Repression (of stuff):

Repression of memory is all through the Bible. Including the New Testament. Peter forgetting about his promise to Jesus. The crowds forgetting about Jesus’ power to create food for many. The Jews’ desire for a king. The forgiveness of sins. I recognize it may be difficult for you to see how this is a Biblical matter. My message affects the world. Remember this. It’s because of what is happening in the world today that I have come. Until God shows you, I wait patiently. The fact that the Bible does not speak overtly about trauma is perhaps because the issue, universally prior, was considered common sense. It only takes a little bit of compassion to see what I am talking about. “Stop living in the past.” “Just get over it.” Would you say these things to a person who had just experienced a devastating hurricane? To the victim of war? It only takes a bit of compassion to see what I am talking about. The church is unprepared to discuss. This is the problem: People cannot acknowledge the suffering of others because it triggers their own unprocessed suffering. “If you refuse to acknowledge a problem. And if you refuse to give a wounded person the status of being a victim, it absolves us of any responsibility. . . the issue isn’t our problem. Denying victims, blaming victims for sins against them, keeps them prisoners, poor and oppressed.”

Rev 21:4

“He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away.”

There is a further element of faith, which may make sense of my experiences. The battle between sin and righteousness is not just a spiritual battle. As human beings, we are made of two natures. A spiritual nature and a physical body. Both affect each other. Each complement each other. What happens to one, will affect the other. Our Lord’s nature illustrates to humanity that both Spirit and body are important in matters of faith. And that when these sorts of things are happening to a child, their path in life will almost certainly be altered. Or stumbled. Unprocessed suffering leads people to commit sin. Suffering not endured well stumbles people into this because of the cacophony and discord of feelings, which arise as a response to injustice and trauma. These feelings are not endured well and therefore become repressed within the host. This repression of emotion creates a world of confusion, pain and disharmony within that host person. This is the reason why the symptoms of almost every childhood, interpersonal trauma always involve some sort of behavioral issues while the trauma remains unresolved. This could only be bad theology to one with weak cardiology.

So, what qualifies me to speak on the topic of repressed memories? I think I am a good person to listen to about this because my experience testifies not only to the validity of these memories (at least, they will) but also because my life demonstrates the explicit effect these repressed memories have upon the human person. I will not go to deeply into the science of this issue. I assume you are partially knowledgeable about the matter before reading this article. For a brief rundown, though, I will summarize some of the information contained within the following links: https://www.rtor.org/2025/06/09/repressed-memories-trauma-brain-science/

https://www.simplypsychology.org/repression-as-a-defense-mechanism.html

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/sex-at-dawn/201004/sexual-repression

Memories

When an event is too traumatic to process, the mind, to safeguard the life of the victim, sort of blocks out the memory. This permits the victim the liberty, unbothered, to continue through life without having to deal with the pain. This becomes problematic for children since their hearts are unable to cope with the terrible things we do to them. In addition, there are many reasons we may repress our memories, including the simple fact that the trauma occurs in development. Social norms can also influence one to repress their memories. An example of this, completely fictitious (Ahem!), would be a young boy, raped daily by his mother. Can he tell his story? Who would believe him? After all, men are always the aggressors. Strangely, according to our society, this is even the case of a two-year-old boy. Golly! Watch out for them toddlers, sucking their thumbs! Just a week ago, I seen a pack of ‘em coming down the street with clubs and toy cars in their hands, looking all menacing! Really, it’s difficult to make light of that situation. But can you not see the disgusting falsehood in saying a boy, aged two, is somehow villainous? I sidetrack a lot. Here: there are signs we are repressing memories. Unexplained ailments, somatic or emotional, like depression. Even asthma and arthritis. Difficulty with intimacy or emotions.

The repression of memories too traumatic and shameful to deal with is not exclusive to me. Give me time to remember. Please. I may be in darkness about a memory. But memory has shown time and again that I am not in denial. I acknowledge the capacity within myself. . . [when I was oppressed by these unprocessed emotions]. . . to act out.  I have repented. I am in no position to judge the state of grace of my abusers. As far as I am aware, they are still in denial. That is why I went to the authorities regarding them. Darkness is denial. Not repression of memory due to shame and trauma. Darkness is evil. [Because, this is the place where abuse is reenacted. This is the place where abusers perpetuate their abuse. When we are in a place of denial. We need, all, recognize both our capacity to hurt and to be hurt.] I am not in darkness because I’m not enjoying my life. I’m not enjoying my life because of accumulation of stress, trauma and shame. Still, I am making it very clear: I am enjoying my life and I value my life immensely. A lot of evil people enjoy their lives in this world. But the catch is that they are never at peace. Peace is only found in God through His Christ."

Prior to realizing what my abusers were doing to me, I would have literally fought to the death someone who challenged their integrity. I had openly wept at their health battles and own wounds. This is the thing. It was an incredibly unhealthy state of things. In their trauma they created upon me, a bond had been formed. A bond, which was terribly unhealthy indeed. In point of fact, I was caring more about them than I did for myself. Is this selfless love to you, Christian? You don’t yet know what Christian love is. For you cannot have love for the other if you are lacking love for yourself. Only when I realized their behavior, did I begin to heal on any level. Indeed, when I realized, it seemed that I was able to heal on every level. The point of this? Just because you can’t remember something, doesn’t mean it didn’t happen. Just because you feel a way about a person, doesn’t mean it is the proper way to feel about them.

This brings me to another interesting area of the debate. I don’t know why they call it a debate. How incredibly senseless to label something so common sense as the declared experiences of others as debateable. How detestable. I posit that many guilty parties had dodged accountability while many poor victims have been forced back into terrible situations because of this criminally professional attempt at mass gaslighting. How detestable to manipulate the feelings of innocent ones for the purpose of our games? Look, I don’t know the true science behind false memories. I do know, it’s obvious, in fact that the term has far more often been used and applied in a legal setting than a medical one. Have you ever heard of extensive treatment for false memory ‘sin’drome?  That’s it! The only treatment sounds a lot like a method of silencing used upon criminals to me. Forgive my cheeky sarcasm and bite. What can I say? When a thing is stupidly foolish, what is there to say? I’m sure there are some science behind it. Like with cases of schizophrenia. Even then, don’t forget the spiritual powers are at play. Demons are working. These are the scientists who are saying that men can give birth to children. To label someone’s experiences as invalid because they were traumatized is the epitome of criminal gaslighting. Are you being deceived? I will be patient. Remember me when you come to your senses. It makes sense to blame memories on an injury to the brain. Even I will admit that. That’s kind of what makes it so dreadfully evil. If it’s true, a lot of people are going to owe me an apology. A lot of people. The symptoms were painfully obvious decades before the memories came, my friends.

Here's the thing: You believe that my abusers have the best interest of me at heart. Otherwise, why would you seek them in every decision I make? They are not concerned about me. They only seek power. They are narcissists.

“Then, he would reveal to you the secrets of wisdom, for practical wisdom has many sides. Then you would realize that God allows some of your error to be forgotten.” (Jb. 11:6)

It is the Holy Spirit which brings these memories and emotions to light for the individual. When they are ready. It’s the reason you cannot remember what I am saying. Because of how it affects all of you. I am not looking to scare you. I am not trying to threaten you. I am just telling you how things are. This is what I am up against. Satan is defeated. But I need help. Can you not see that? Precisely because satan is seeking to destroy me. You know there are millions of witches out there in this rotten world. My Witness friends, you cannot ignore this reality. They feed on your blindness. It is certainty that almost every witch is casting their filthy little spells upon me daily. It’s the reason, since 2014, I have stumbled and at moments of breakthrough, have fallen. Christians, if you are not going to give me the help I need, at least pray for me. If you will continue to deprive me of a working career and of the possibility of getting to know a female partner, at least pray for me. I am the only one who is really praying for you. Your leaders are telling you to commit suicide. Guys… I don’t know how to open your hearts. Yes, the victory is assured. But, you need to know that satan is still on the prowl. His cause is growing like wildfire in these times. You got no idea what is really happening in this world behind closed doors. There are underground networks of the worst sin that you could possibly imagine. Guys, why does it matter? If the victory is already assured? Why does it matter? I’ll tell you. They will take you. Whether or not hell exists (I think it might) they will take you into death with their filthy spells. You are comfortable in peaceful homes. I’m telling you. You got no idea what they’re doing. Not in little pockets. Worldwide. Right in front of your eyes. They will take the lot of them. They will take many of you, even praying, Bible reading Christians with their spells. Life matters. Pray for me. They don’t care about you…

Job 11:16

“You will forget your misery; you will remember it as waters that have passed away.”

If you think about it very reasonably, dissociation makes sense. It’s the reason we can survive some issues. We forget because of pain, fear, or because a fact triggers internal panic within us. It makes sense. It is a sort of illustration of the realm of this universe. The dichotomy between the spiritual and the physical realms. Christian friends, I hate to say it. A lot of you have got your heads in the sand. You are busy living for God, living lives of righteousness that you don’t see what is happening all around you. This is not a criticism. You are beautiful. You are beautiful sheep. But he who defeats his enemy knows his enemy. Guys, all it takes is a little understanding. These witches… these are demons on earth. Living and breathing. They can do things that would surprise you terribly. All of it illustrates the dichotomy between the spiritual and the physical realms. They can astral project their souls across the world and spy on you while you are praying. They can control the elements. They can send demons upon praying, fasting Christians. Guys, you need to know. Pray! You need to pray!

Emotions

This is typically the cause of repressed memories. It occurs when our emotions are unbearable and so hard to cope with that our mind, to cope, blocks them from our awareness. It is an involuntary reaction, which is often adopted as a result of extreme, overwhelming emotions. We do not have awareness that we are doing it. And while, in our minds, we are not bothered by the troubling matter any longer, the effect these memories have on us can be debilitating. First of all, the emotions, the energy contained in these emotions need still to be felt. Because they remain unfelt, this energy remains in our psyches. The problem is, is that they are not dealt with. They simply lie dormant, unprocessed, inaccessible. They still affect us. This is the cause of physical ailments, emotional distress. Depression, anxiety. These are not illnesses of themselves. They are symptoms. As the emotions, themselves, are symptoms. There are benefits of repressing our emotions. Even though they are significantly small next to the disadvantages, there are benefits. This allows us to carry on in face of severe situations affronting us. This also allows us to adapt to circumstances where it is impossible to escape. Ahem… Like a satanic family who raises a child in their trauma.

Emotions can be painful. Especially to one who does not have the ability to process them. This can occur when a trauma or big event happens to a child. Children do not possess the thinking ability to process through their words, what has happened. When we repress our emotions, we can have difficulty for the rest of our lives. We can have difficulty expressing ourselves, difficulty facing conflict. If you’d think about it reasonably, you would be able to recognize that it is emotions, the emotional state, which makes us most like Jehovah. This here, is the key. It’s where Satan tries to ruin us. It’s the purpose of the shame and the attacks on us. Keep your emotions. Emotions are the most beautiful thing in the world. Next to faith, our emotions make us like God. Having met Jehovah, I can attest to His extremely emotional state. Emotions need to be nurtured and protected. This is the primary responsibility of caregivers. Remember, the emotional state of the human can be wounded. Does it sound overreaching to you that I suggest that society has a role in helping ones with damaged emotional states to heal? Only to a selfish society would that be overreaching. Keep your emotions. Protect them like treasure. It wasn’t until I met my best friend in the world that I realized just how integral emotions are to the human person at their core. While, I truly believe that Jehovah will provide you with the key to healing, I want to share some ways I have been able to get in touch with my emotions. It can help to be direct. Using statements like, “I feel…” Stay grounded. To be honest, I had a terrible time labeling what I was feeling. Because I did not understand my emotions, I did not know what they were. Jesus has helped me greatly with this. He has the power to heal entirely. The reason I have been unable to accept healing is because I hold my trauma still. They will try to trigger me. They will do everything they can to try to trigger me to be angry. I will be patient while they stamp their feet and have their tantrum. Remember, the severity of the cruelty of a bully is evident in the way they use people’s suffering as a weapon against them. This life is about more than what we do. It’s the heart of men that is valuable. It’s the innocence of a creature that makes him important to Jehovah. This is what I mean by what we do does not matter to God. It’s all about innocence. What we sow in life is important. It’s the reason we are here.. to glorify Jehovah in our talents. But, let me ask you a common-sense rhetorical question. It might prove of itself how foolish you are. The President of any given country and a child, just born… If I were to ask you to tell me who was more important between these two, what would you answer? If you answered that it is the president, you are a worldly Christian. Ya’ bleeding Bolshevik! Go back and read my article on compassion. It’s very basic, elementary spiritual theology. What we sow in life is not always important. Trauma accumulates. Talents are nurtured in environments of love. They cannot grow without love. Love grows love. It’s what sets me apart. My innocence. You can label all of your surveillance as surveillance on account of my sin. If I am not culpable for my sin, what you’re doing amounts simply to mass gossip, doesn’t it? We already know where it comes from. Gratitude, friends. But, if it’s true, nothing we do means much. Our deeds are rags. Filthy rags. Even our acts of love. Except, they are not. You know they are not. They are the reason we are here. I’m just saying, they’re not the only thing that matters. The heart of a person is the most valuable. And suffering endured by innocents is incredibly powerful.

Anyways, is it important? Should we focus on recalling our memories and painful memories? We all have painful memories, after all. Here is the thing: These repressed memories, even while we don’t remember them, affect and influence our lives. Like a rudder of a ship, these emotions, these memories when they remain under the consciousness, will affect our behavior, our speech, our attitude. Even for those led by the Spirit, these repressed memories will still influence us. It’s the reason for all the child abuse these days. This is not a taboo, rare thing. Everybody is doing it. Everybody has been through it.

Sexuality

Phil 3:13

“Brothers, I do not consider that I have made it my own. But one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead. . .”

Everyone has a sexuality. If we repress it, it is only going to come out in painful ways. I am not ashamed of my sexuality. Why are you? It was not a choice that my sexuality was repressed. It was a result of a lot of pain in childhood. You forget what my relationally close, female abuser did to me. You treat sexual sin as character trait. You may just be hypervigilant. To me and to society, as a whole. We have all been wounded in this sacred way. Don’t forget that people change. Not only that but that some sins are inculpable. Let God speak. Here’s also the thing: we learn how to interact with others based on the way our caregivers train us. Consciences can be moulded. Sexual sin is not character trait. It is most often symptom.

As with the repression of memories, repression of sexuality is rarely done intentionally. Again, I can speak personally to the issue. As my abuser continued her abuses of me, it progressively made sexuality a little less desirable to me. Was this because it is not desirable? No. It was because the way it was used against me filled me with shame, fear and hurt. Again, it all comes back to shame. When one is made to feel shame about themselves, particularly their sexuality, they grow unable to express fully their sexual identities. It is an evil thing really. And nothing a child could do could merit this as it develops in childhood, at a time when we are our most innocent. Most often, sexual repression develops in reaction to sexual assault or abuse, causing the child to associate sexuality with feelings of terror, shame and fear and panic. Even the thought of sexuality can trigger unpleasant memories and reactions.

Everyone has needs. Everyone has many needs. The need for food, water, sunlight, shelter… Somebody named Maslow did a chart about it. When you think of love, intimacy and passion, would you say it is a need? Of course it is. If you cannot see it as such, it just means you received your fill when you were a child. From your parents. It means they did a good job parenting. Sexuality, also, is a need. Look, chastity is beautiful. I have seen firsthand, the beautiful ways in which sexuality can be harnessed and channeled into creativity. It’s really remarkable. Almost positively, there is a thing to be said for waiting until marriage to exchange this energy. At the same time, sexuality is incredibly liberating for the soul of man. The term, man, in this case, is used universally and applies to women as well. Have you not noticed the incredibly profound way the spirit has overtaken our world, at the moment? Carl Jung, Sigmund Freud, they got this right. I don’t know which one got it right or how they got it right. But they were talking about it hundreds of years ago. How exciting. With the Illumination of Conscience, awareness will come, which will inspire a new, church-wide sexual revolution. It gets the hair ruffled on your back, huh? Settle down. Priests will be busy out the bleedin’ door with marriages. Sexuality has the power to liberate a soul. It’s what I mean. As people are having sex earlier in their lives, more liberally, the soul becomes more liberated. Is it a good thing? The way things are at the moment? No. Because there are few boundaries. Because the sexuality is disordered. So, it leads the liberation of these into wrong paths, wrong directions. But, sexuality is not nearly as evil as we have made it out to be. Guys! Not everybody is called to be monks! The commandment remains. It will remain until the very dusty end. Go forth and multiply. Populate the earth.

I would like to simply offer insight about the topic of rejection. We all have experienced rejection, haven’t we? It is universal. And, we all have the responsibility to bounce back from it. So, why talk about it? It ties in nicely with the topic of shame. Why rejection is so damaging and traumatizing to the one who has experienced childhood trauma. We cannot be expected to treat people like flowers. A bit of friction builds resilience. I know someone against whom rejection has often been used as a weapon. Even while he was at the religious community, women have sought out to make him suffer the pains of rejection. The author of this article conjectures that they attempt this knowing his own actions towards women. In addition, they are maybe just a little envious of his future. They cannot understand how God could bless so much this one with this tainted past. It makes sense when you begin to consider what he has endured. And what he is still enduring. You do not yet understand the implications and effects of relationally close, female abuse. You cannot grasp the shame it creates. Do you know why? Especially my male audience? It’s because it triggers emotions hard to deal with in you. So you avoid it. You cannot empathize or even sympathize because you, yourselves are wounded. You think this one who you have targeted deserves this targeted rejection. Your argumentoli falls apart if he is not culpable. But constant, targeted and intentional rejection and for the sole purpose of cruelty and suppressing the victim’s character, this can be especially damaging. Abuse survivors are very intuitive and sense easily the intentional cruelty. This is damaging because it is an extension of the original trauma. Funny how at some point, we all begin to realize and to recognize the fact that we all, everyone and lot of us, is an abuser too, huh? There is no chance in it. It is caused by cruelty and cruel desires.

My situation is a little more severe than most. As there was a satanic pact enacted upon me to try to shame me into believing sexuality was evil. Satan created this pact in order to suppress my spirit. As sexuality liberates the spirit. When I was a baby, curses were placed on me that I never experience passion or work to support myself. Society seems to have teamed up with satan to make sure I don’t make money from my books. I have been robbed of God knows how much from this evil industry and envious people who think my intellectual property somehow belongs also to them because God gave it to me. Shame! You justify it. As narcissists will do. And you think you rob me in the name of God. In terms of passion, it’s not something I am choosing deliberately to avoid. My sexuality has been repressed from the age of 14. Here’s the thing: The dynamics between the trauma caused me by a “relationally close, female abuser” has created in me terror of sexuality, terror of women, fear of my masculinity, shame of my masculinity, fear to initiate and much else discordance in relation to interpersonal intimacy. You seem to think my resistance is a choice I am making. My abusers put me in a prison of fear and shame. They literally clipped my wings. It’s the nature of this type of abuse. You ask how I am qualified to speak about this issue? I am really the perfect person to speak about this issue. You’ll know this for certain when they try to steal my story and these words. The incredulous, envious rascals! If I am crazy… If I am a false prophet… tell me, why do they steal my intellectual property? I repeat for emphasis. The incredulous, envious rascals! By the way, I am beginning to detest having to refer to her as my “relationally close, female abuser.” I assume you know what I mean by that.

Then, there’s the other form of repression. One that happens when society tries everything it can to oppress someone who they envy and fear. God sees.

IoC

Isa 65:17

“For behold, I create new heavens and a new earth, and the former things shall not be remembered or come into mind.”

And how does this affect all of us? Here’s the salient, sobering fact. It affects all of us. Even if we don’t want to believe it. The Satanic Panic of the 80’s. Understatement! This is not an American problem. It’s not a church problem. It’s not an elite problem. It’s an everyone problem. This disease, like dark tentacles, has infiltrated its way into every aspect of our society and world. The presence of covens and underground channels of sin exist literally everywhere. Would you laugh at me if I told you that right now, there are people who are living double lives? That these double lives are almost entirely unaware of the other? The repression of memories is one thing. This is the thing. It’s deeper than that. The satanic panic gave us a glimpse of how the darkness is operating. All one needs to do is venture onto certain corners of the internet to see how real it is. Like every evil, it needs to be brought into the light.

You must know there is something different sin the world right now. For, within the past decades, things have spiraled as though down a slippery slope. In terms of morality. In terms of sanity… The symptoms are obvious. You know how I feel. And, while there is no absolute, strict ‘way’ to know Jehovah, there is absolutely Truth. There are many truths. If the only truth that mattered was the Bible, what would be the purpose of the Catechism? The Awake? The Watchtower? The symptoms, from a perspective grounded in Truth, are obvious. The sudden decline in mental health, creating havoc. Wild ideas like the fact that a man can be a woman, give birth to a child, the blind obedience to the state, the proliferation of Communism, the almost idiotic and suicidal importing of other cultures to saturate our populations. The science! Science also has a pricetag. I attest, much of history, as we know it, is false. So, what is the cause? The cause is trauma. I have spoken about it in detail in other articles of mine on this blog. I will not delve too deeply into it. Please know, it is all connected. All of it. This is the honeyed summary: Shame affects all of us. We are all, the lot of us, perpetuating the cycle. All of us. You ever heard a comment, like, “She’s so fat.” It’s what I mean. The tide of shame affects all of us. It begins in the family. Parents and siblings, teaching kids, small as pumpkins, to be ashamed of themselves. It is also the doctors, the teachers, the authority, the bosses, the priests… It’s all about shame. This matter is the central issue afflicting our world today. It’s the reason one does drugs, another overeats, another perpetuates violence. The true issue is much deeper and much more elaborate than that. I leave it to God to show you. If He desires. “I’m highly suspicious of anyone who tries to cover up or hide this kind of evil. 2 corinthians 11:14 ‘And no wonder, for satan himself masquerades as an angel of light’.

Isa 54:4

“Do not be afraid; you will not be put to shame. Do not fear disgrace; you will not be humiliated. You will forget the shame of your youth and remember no more the reproach of your widowhood.”

But this is another thing: Do you notice how some people react differently to trauma than others? Regardless of how low you feel you are, regardless of how many sin you have commit, the fact is that there is always hope. Here: this is the important thing: We need to recognize that we are sinners, friends. A lot of people in the world today are truly so in the dark, they have made gods of themselves. The important thing is contrition. For if we cannot see our sinfulness and our need for a savior, we are kind of lost. See, once you know the love of Jehovah, through Jesus, shame is not a thing anymore. For me, it is a bit different because I am carrying the trauma of my past still. It’s the reason His love hasn’t been able to completely transform and liberate me. Here’s the thing: Crime… severe, toxic and prolonged sin… It doesn’t get any better if we ignore it. If we are silent about it, it’s still going to affect us. Confessing our sins… Means more than just confessing the sins we have commit. Confessing our sins means bringing into the light everything. It all affects us. We cannot be silent about it. This is the pandemic. Adults are capitalizing on the silence of children. It may not be intentional, conscious or even culpable. Child abuse, and it affects all of us, always ends with a finger to the mouth’d ‘sh’. Alright, this was a figure of speech. But, it’s true. It’s the reason we still believe all of that stranger danger nonsense. 90% of child abuse occurs in the home. We cannot expect our children to take this burden upon themselves and then ask them to be silent. This is the bed of soil from which grows every problem in the world. Schizophrenia. Cancer. Depression. Everything. It is an evil world. This does not mean that Jehovah wants all of this injustice. It doesn’t make it right. If there were an opportunity for the world to rejoice, why don you not think Jehovah wouldn’t want it? You’re masochists! But, justice begins when the victims begin using their God-given voices to say, ‘you cannot do that to me. I am a child of God. What you’re doing is wrong.’ We have been fed a lie that meekness is roll-over suicide. God doesn’t want us to commit suicide. And He wants us to fight when necessary. It’s the only way that leads to integrity. So, this is the reason we cannot be silent. Must not. In addition to this, shame grows in the silence. The only, only, only way to heal from shame is to speak. Shame grows like a cancer in silence. Speak! Speak your truths until the unjust judge hears your case. It’s about self-respect.

Job 14:17

“My transgression is sealed up in a bag, and you seal up my error with glue.”

What does this all mean? If we have repressed memories? The lot of us? Well, it means that it may not only be me who is in mortal sin and doesn’t think I am… This is the thing. It’s deeper than memories, isn’t it? There are millions o’ people living lives they are not even aware of on the conscious level. It’s been programed that way. When the Awareness comes, we are in for a treat. I’m telling you. Dagum! It’s when the true realization of our states before God will be made known. Lots o’ sin being swept under the carpet for the past millenium or so. In a moment, you will have a glimpse of yourself in a way that you never expected. I implore you. Find God, find Jehovah before that day comes. It is unavoidable. At my death, truth comes out either way. Regardless of what you do to me. I want to be obedient to you. Do you think your precious envy and contempt at my existence will sizzle out? That’s cute. This is true: One way or the other, God will bless this world. It is His will. I leave it for Jehovah to demonstrate to you. It is an illusion of comfort for our consciences to take our sin away. Repression of memory doesn’t just occur when something bad happens to us. It also occurs when we do a thing, our hearts cannot deal with. Is it still a debate? Do you not realize how twisted it is for a person to suggest they know better than another about that others’ experiences? Anyways, the purpose of this is not to shame you or to scare you. I’m only saying, it’s prudent to be prepared. For this day will come swiftly. At that time, there will be justice of God. It is foolhardy to say that you haven’t any sin. Even baptized Christians who visit the Sacrament of Confession (in whatever form you seek it) weekly. You’re doing great. All of you. For Jehovah has not revealed your experiences to you. Therefore, you may consider it that Jehovah is keeping you in safety. The mind will do amazing acrobatics to ensure us of our goodness and give us comfort. During the cleanse, however, when we are all held accountable and judged, this information will come as a shock to people. It’s actually a blessing for you if Jehovah chooses to reveal to you this information. Here’s another bit o’ heresy to chock onto the truck: the prisoners who suffer well are in fact more blessed in this life than millionaires. They are being made to humble and endure their justice before it comes in the end. It’s better than being hit by a brick wall in the cleanse. This is a reason the Illumination of Conscience is necessary. Purgatory does exist. I have seen it. Be glad this Cleanse is coming… Anyways, the point of this is that we all have sin… Serious, serious sin. All of us… When we realize this, it can be incredibly liberating. Do you believe I am threatening you with this? That it is something I am planning? Look, I am just telling it how it is. I’m telling you what God intends to do… I want to be obedient to you, but you don’t know what’s what… That moment when the realization happens will not be a bad moment. For those who truly love God, it will be glorious. It will be the greatest thing in the world, next to Jesus’ coming. Strengthen your relationship with God.

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From a temporal stance, it makes sense for me to wait for my blessing. Especially considering my sin. There is an element of this you are missing. The spiritual perspective. Satan seeks my soul. He is not going to let me wait much longer. You will forget. Your envy will be incensed. At some point, he’s going to use the world and the Church to try to kill me. It’s nothing new. I’ve been dealing with this for decades. Pope was not in the Spirit when this decision was made. Look, I’m sure I’ve done enough in my life to merit the fact that a lot of people shouldn’t really care that satan tries to kill me. It’s who I am to God that makes me special. It’s that what I endured in childhood, I endured for Him. And for you. Jehovah will show you what I am up against. Just wait. I want nothing less than to be married and have children. Prove me wrong. Don’t forget anymore. Prove me wrong. Don’t be so envious. Don’t measure your manhood next to mine. You know my fate. I will be resurrected. You also know my past and who I am to God. This should prevent you from wanting to crucify me. Shouldn’t it? Look, I have always said that people needn’t believe what I am saying until there is reason to. But, what I am saying is simply common sense. No, the itching teachers Paul warns about in his letters are the ones advocating modernism, communism and sexual liberation. Actual deviation from the Scripture. What I am saying was at a point, common sense. You are being lied to. Laity, rise up! Compassion is the only reason you should have mercy. You forget what I have already endured.

The sign of a true Christian is not perfection. It’s the presence of the Holy Spirit, convicting us in our behavior. Christians sin all of the time. While we are called to sanctification, we are not perfect. Anyone in the same position would also get angry. Their sign of my sinfulness is something that is completely justifiable. I have a right to be angry. They know this. Boy, I really am quite simple. Quite innocent. Jehovah shows me your true nature. If you were trying to protect me, you wouldn’t bully me.

Of course, you believe you are the chosen of God. That’s what faith does. It uplifts one to God. There is nothing wrong with this. Keep doing it. For it strengthens our faith. Here is the thing: Religion (a particular way) is unnecessary.  Faith is the central thing. It, itself is what is beautiful to Jehovah. There are many ways and many paths to developing faith. A religion is a physical and tangible conduit for developing our supernatural faith. Of course, the religions oppose me for suggesting it. They have created a monopoly on faith, claiming to possess fullness of truth. It’s about power. Not faith. I’m just saying, do not believe God does not love everyone else. It is an error to think God loves only those He has chosen. As we can see from my previous letter of common sense, God loves the sinner the most. Not because of what they have done. Because they don’t deserve it. It is grace. He loves these for the sake of drawing them closer to Him. You misunderstand because you don’t comprehend God’s greatness. And, I think you desire to be special. And for your works to be special. Innocent up. God will show you. Soon.

Here's the thing: I need help! With everything. This is what I need comfort in. To heal. My sexuality is very, very shamed. If you are a woman and you have smiled at me and sat around waiting for me to give you my number, it's not that I don't want to. It's that I am scared to death. I am overwhelmed. Please help me. Guys, I don't know how to tell you why this is not a sin. I wish I could articulate how what happened to me has affected me. It's not so much how it has affected me. It's that what I suffered, I suffered for God. Yes, my childhood was formed to be a very specific person. God asked me to endure what I endured. The formation was my abuser's choice, not mine. All I suffered was for God. Yep, it involved sin on my part. It's because of my formation. Listen friends, if what I am saying means nothing, it will come to nothing. Don't let your envy overcome you. Control yourselves. Don't allow the story of Joseph to be reenacted. Just because it is a story in the Bible doesn’t mean the actions are condoned and moral. I am pouring out my heart. I need help. First of all, a nocturnal emission is not a mortal sin. Secondly, you have no business airing my sins publicly. Or finding loopholes to air the nature of my sin. I am very wounded sexually. Yes, we know that the center of identity of a person is their sexuality. We know that wounds of a sexual nature can form a person along a path. These wounds can form conscience and life path. I experience a lot of shame from what I been through. My sexuality is not bad. Nobody's is. Every sexuality is formed. Look, I am not a religious. I am not a monk. I am not forcibly celibate. On the contrary, I need a lot of comfort. I need to know sexuality is not evil. God wanted me to experience passion before my death. This is because of the witchcraft darkness used against me when I was a kid. It's the only way for me to break it. Is by experiencing passion. What is sin? Some sins are not as mortal for other people. Sins of a sexual nature are not as sinful for me because of what I endured growing up. Yep, there have been many sins I have committed. I confessed them all. Certain sins are not culpable for me. Even premarital sex is not sinful. I await to see if this is a circumstantial situation for me only. Because of what I endured growing up. Wait. You'll see. God will prove it. Guys, why do you think God wants to hinder love? There is no sin in curiosity. In spite of the fact that I don't even think masturbation is a mortal sin for me, I remain completely chaste. When you understand wounds, you understand what it means to comfort. This is not out there. Just the same, when you discover what y'all have been through, your eyes gonna' soften towards sexuality too. It's the reason that when I am healed, after I return, I will have a number of wives. Still, there is a paradox for me in overcoming this hex. My sexuality is very wounded. I fear women. The only woman I don't fear is married. I cannot initiate because I cannot trust quickly. I am dreadfully ashamed of my sexuality. There is no reason for it. I am and have been completely chaste as a choice for almost ten years. I have repressed my sexuality. I can feel myself feeling the need to uphold this repression because I'm trying to prove to people I am not a threat. I know I am not a threat. I was only reacting as a kid. I need help. I need help with my sexuality. How do I explain in language that children could understand that some sins are not as sinful for certain people. Guys, open your heart. Let me think of an analogy that might resonate with you. To begin with, let me say that God wanted me to be happy, to experience passion before my death because what I suffered, I suffered for him. There was a lot of shame and fear associated with the trauma I endured. So, from a human perspective, from a loving human perspective, if a child was traumatized repeatedly by snakes in infancy, would the society around him, subject him to snake torture for the rest of his life? Set aside the original sin in your hearts. I know you all seek what is distant from God and seek to hurt people naturally. This is not the case with God. So, if a child suffered sexually as an infant through his adolescent years, how would God want him to reintegrate? How much more if the child suffered what he endured for the glory of God? For everyone else in the world? I understand, your sense of justice is being triggered. How could this child ask for help in this intimate regard now, considering this child acted out in the same way and hurt other people? It's all about culpability. How I acted out, I was not culpable for. So, let's say a child was sent to war. A loving society might do everything they could to reintegrate it into society. It's all about love. How a society views its vulnerables and its littles. I am not saying anything outlandish. It is your heart which needs a revamp. Pray on it. Or don't. God will show you. If a perfect society were to help a child reintegrate into society after trauma, how much more would God desire to help a child reintegrate into society after a trauma. Thinking about it all, it really is a heart issue. Our society has lost heart. Inherently, compassion is a western trait. Empathy for wounded people is a trait evident in Western cultures and within white cultures. The infiltration of other cultures to Canadian culture has eroded a sense of heart for people who are wounded. Let us remember our heart as a culture. It's not racist. It's simply that Christian cultures tend to be much more compassionate. As opposed to other cultures. It is not that only white people can be compassionate. It's just that Christian cultures tend to express empathy more. St Kateri, St Bakhita, St Martin de Pores. There are always exceptions to this rule. Keep persecuting me. I can take it."

I am beginning to think you are just resisting me for the sake of spite. This is not a church issue. Compassion is an everyone issue. It is what makes us like Jehovah. Name of God! I am not talking about saving the whales and protecting eagle eggs. I’m talking about people. Yes, maybe it is a far reach to think about society helping one person to heal. Seemed a reality for me at one point. Anyways, do you not see how this is about more than simply Jehovah’s people? It’s about the world. If we all took this step to help our close ones, the world would be better. Don’t tell me Jehovah’s Kingdom will fix everything. Do you actually believe what you are uttering. I can’t believe you do. Oh, goodness, yes, let’s watch our cousins bleed to death on the street and do nothing about it. It’s okay. Jehovah’s Kingdom will fix it! Yes, in a way, it is true. Jehovah will restore everything. But, can you not see the absurdity in not helping suffering ones? Let’s say they are close to us. Who do you closer resemble in overlooking their suffering? Satan or Jehovah? A simple question. Packed with meaning. Think about it. If your brother was in a car accident, what would the response of a loving sibling be? “We’ll let him suffer. And suffer good. There will be an end to his problems in the distant future anyway.” That’s ridiculous. You know that you would support him. It begins with the family, friends, church, community. If everybody did this, think of the glory. Here’s the thing about me: My abusers shamed my sexuality. They shamed my natural desires. I struggle accepting what I want. This is what I know: I am being bullied dreadfully by almost everyone in a position of authority. I need some help. 1. Finding a safe and holy place to live. 2. A medical advocate. 3. Help with my book sales and finding a job. 4. Finding intimacy and passion. The ritual abuse set a contract over my soul that I would never experience passion and work to earn a living for myself. This is the reason my identity hides still. Because I have not experienced passion. It’s no mystery that my book sales have been robbed and funneled into somebody else’s bank account. It’s satan. Compassion that is offended at a rejection is not compassion. It can be hard to accept help. Really hard. And, for the bleeding limbs of me, I can’t seem to find a woman who desires to know me for me. I’m sorry if I speak harshly. I know your potential. I have literally seen it. I have seen your goodness. Love. Do not let the advent of greater hope in the future become for you a reason to not display love in the now. Actions speak louder than words. Except for one thing: actions are guided by accumulated trauma too.

“I cannot entirely explain my fears. Maybe they have to do with the ingrained belief I have about the power and fear that were used against me. Maybe it has to do with the very real, veiled threats, which came in one form or the other, all my life. Probably it has a lot to do with the fact that there will be no corroboration in my testimony. For the repression and amnesia and denial of memories is not exclusive to me. I just pray that when truth surrounding this issue is revealed that they find peace and solace in my humble and respectful forgiveness. This was not your fault. All I know is that there is a valour in Truth that is absent in the darkness. All I know is that I have punished myself for crimes committed against myself for far too long.”

I just have to remember, all the time that after the trial, however big it is, things will get better. I just have to overcome and fight it straight on. Keeping faith in the Christ the whole time. “A woman giving birth to a child has pain because her time has come; but when her baby is born she forgets the anguish because of her joy that a child is born into the world” (John 16:21). I feel it’s necessary to express these negative feelings. We cannot simply repress them. Because when we do that, they affect upon us in less clear ways. It’s not a bad thing to feel and to hurt. I am not ashamed to feel my feelings because they’re a reaction of what I have been through. It has allowed me to see myself with love and to start to treat others with love and respect. It has allowed me to think before I speak or do things. We’re all troubled with impulses. It has allowed me to rejoice in my sufferings and what I have been through. It has allowed me to praise who I am today. It has allowed me to find happiness and joy in myself. But the scars still exist.

It's a very elementary psychological concept that our sexuality as human beings can be moulded and shaped by our experiences. Elementary in that the concept is so simple that schooling may actually interfere with our ability to understand it. And yes, it's true that I am attracted to younger women. For a society that believes gay people don’t have a choice in their sexuality, I think you are simply hypervigilant because of my past I have abandoned this as a possibility since younger women are broken more than me, immature and unequipped emotionally to be friends with someone like me. It is a futile search there. I have tried to be a good friend to people to show you that I am not a threat. You’re not giving me a chance. You are cornering me into a box. You’re judging me based on a couple of things I did. Guys, before feminism, it was actually the norm for men to marry younger and women to marry older. Even up to a generation ago, it was common for men to marry 10-15 years younger. I don’t get it, why are you upset? To your eyes, I am not a potential mate…

Even in the cases where I do stare, I don't know how to tell you why this is not a sin. I wish I could articulate how what happened to me has affected me. It's not so much how it has affected me. It's that what I suffered, I suffered for God. Yes, my childhood was formed to be a very specific person. God asked me to endure what I endured. The formation was my abuser's choice, not mine. All I suffered was for God. Yep, it involved sin on my part. It's because of my formation. It was stumbled. Listen friends, if what I am saying means nothing, it will come to nothing. Don't let your envy overcome you. Control yourselves. Don't allow the story of Joseph to be reenacted. This is the issue: My sin, having it displayed like in a zoo, makes you feel better about your own sin. You feel helpless about my message and what is certainly coming. So you seek to project all your sin onto me, psychologically. Think about this: If it is true what I am saying, there being a curse upon my sexuality and my needing sexuality for my spiritual liberation… but because of the curse upon my sexuality and the shame I experience as a result, a bit of compassion can show you why I stare. If it is need, psychological, emotional, physical and spiritual (the greatest need a person can have) and because I am so psychologically wounded that I cannot pursue that need on my own, why do you think I am staring. I am staring out of longing. I want it. But it feels I cannot have it. This targeted rejection business you have got going on is not helping. After a woman pretends she is interested in order to get me interested and then turns her back on me… You call me a heartbreaker because you do not understand what I have been through myself. Being lied to about everything. Pretty much everything.

“I had coped with my pain, but God wanted it healed.  I was powerfully reminded that healing was, and is, an essential part of Christ’s person, presence and message—a truth we have largely forgotten both in the Church and in a hurting world that largely offers coping mechanisms instead of authentic healing in and through Jesus Christ.” https://aleteia.org/2017/03/10/the-healing-of-memories-as-part-of-the-christian-journey/