Repression of memory is all through the Bible. Including the New Testament. Peter forgetting about his promise to Jesus. The crowds forgetting about Jesus’ power to create food for many. The Jews’ desire for a king. The forgiveness of sins. I recognize it may be difficult for you to see how this is a Biblical matter. My message affects the world. Remember this. It’s because of what is happening in the world today that I have come. Until God shows you, I wait patiently. The fact that the Bible does not speak overtly about trauma is perhaps because the issue, universally prior, was considered common sense. It only takes a little bit of compassion to see what I am talking about. “Stop living in the past.” “Just get over it.” Would you say these things to a person who had just experienced a devastating hurricane? To the victim of war? It only takes a bit of compassion to see what I am talking about. The church is unprepared to discuss. This is the problem: People cannot acknowledge the suffering of others because it triggers their own unprocessed suffering. “If you refuse to acknowledge a problem. And if you refuse to give a wounded person the status of being a victim, it absolves us of any responsibility. . . the issue isn’t our problem. Denying victims, blaming victims for sins against them, keeps them prisoners, poor and oppressed.”
Rev 21:4
“He
will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither
shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things
have passed away.”
There
is a further element of faith, which may make sense of my experiences. The
battle between sin and righteousness is not just a spiritual battle. As human
beings, we are made of two natures. A spiritual nature and a physical body.
Both affect each other. Each complement each other. What happens to one, will
affect the other. Our Lord’s nature illustrates to humanity that both Spirit
and body are important in matters of faith. And that when these sorts of things
are happening to a child, their path in life will almost certainly be altered.
Or stumbled. Unprocessed suffering leads people to commit sin. Suffering not
endured well stumbles people into this because of the cacophony and discord of
feelings, which arise as a response to injustice and trauma. These feelings are
not endured well and therefore become repressed within the host. This
repression of emotion creates a world of confusion, pain and disharmony within
that host person. This is the reason why the symptoms of almost every
childhood, interpersonal trauma always involve some sort of behavioral issues
while the trauma remains unresolved. This could only be bad theology to one
with weak cardiology.
So,
what qualifies me to speak on the topic of repressed memories? I think I am a
good person to listen to about this because my experience testifies not only to
the validity of these memories (at least, they will) but also because my life
demonstrates the explicit effect these repressed memories have upon the human
person. I will not go to deeply into the science of this issue. I assume you
are partially knowledgeable about the matter before reading this article. For a
brief rundown, though, I will summarize some of the information contained
within the following links: https://www.rtor.org/2025/06/09/repressed-memories-trauma-brain-science/
https://www.simplypsychology.org/repression-as-a-defense-mechanism.html
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/sex-at-dawn/201004/sexual-repression
Memories
When
an event is too traumatic to process, the mind, to safeguard the life of the
victim, sort of blocks out the memory. This permits the victim the liberty,
unbothered, to continue through life without having to deal with the pain. This
becomes problematic for children since their hearts are unable to cope with the
terrible things we do to them. In addition, there are many reasons we may
repress our memories, including the simple fact that the trauma occurs in
development. Social norms can also influence one to repress their memories. An
example of this, completely fictitious (Ahem!), would be a young boy, raped
daily by his mother. Can he tell his story? Who would believe him? After all,
men are always the aggressors. Strangely, according to our society, this is
even the case of a two-year-old boy. Golly! Watch out for them toddlers,
sucking their thumbs! Just a week ago, I seen a pack of ‘em coming down the
street with clubs and toy cars in their hands, looking all menacing! Really,
it’s difficult to make light of that situation. But can you not see the
disgusting falsehood in saying a boy, aged two, is somehow villainous? I
sidetrack a lot. Here: there are signs we are repressing memories. Unexplained
ailments, somatic or emotional, like depression. Even asthma and arthritis.
Difficulty with intimacy or emotions.
The
repression of memories too traumatic and shameful to deal with is not exclusive
to me. Give me time to remember. Please. I may be in darkness about a memory.
But memory has shown time and again that I am not in denial. I acknowledge the
capacity within myself. . . [when I was oppressed by these unprocessed
emotions]. . . to act out. I have
repented. I am in no position to judge the state of grace of my abusers. As far
as I am aware, they are still in denial. That is why I went to the authorities
regarding them. Darkness is denial. Not repression of memory due to shame and
trauma. Darkness is evil. [Because, this is the place where abuse is reenacted.
This is the place where abusers perpetuate their abuse. When we are in a place
of denial. We need, all, recognize both our capacity to hurt and to be hurt.] I
am not in darkness because I’m not enjoying my life. I’m not enjoying my life
because of accumulation of stress, trauma and shame. Still, I am making it very
clear: I am enjoying my life and I value my life immensely. A lot of evil
people enjoy their lives in this world. But the catch is that they are never at
peace. Peace is only found in God through His Christ."
Prior
to realizing what my abusers were doing to me, I would have literally fought to
the death someone who challenged their integrity. I had openly wept at their
health battles and own wounds. This is the thing. It was an incredibly
unhealthy state of things. In their trauma they created upon me, a bond had
been formed. A bond, which was terribly unhealthy indeed. In point of fact, I
was caring more about them than I did for myself. Is this selfless love to you,
Christian? You don’t yet know what Christian love is. For you cannot have love
for the other if you are lacking love for yourself. Only when I realized their
behavior, did I begin to heal on any level. Indeed, when I realized, it seemed
that I was able to heal on every level. The point of this? Just because you
can’t remember something, doesn’t mean it didn’t happen. Just because you feel
a way about a person, doesn’t mean it is the proper way to feel about them.
This
brings me to another interesting area of the debate. I don’t know why they call
it a debate. How incredibly senseless to label something so common sense as the
declared experiences of others as debateable. How detestable. I posit that many
guilty parties had dodged accountability while many poor victims have been
forced back into terrible situations because of this criminally professional
attempt at mass gaslighting. How detestable to manipulate the feelings of
innocent ones for the purpose of our games? Look, I don’t know the true science
behind false memories. I do know, it’s obvious, in fact that the term has far
more often been used and applied in a legal setting than a medical one. Have
you ever heard of extensive treatment for false memory ‘sin’drome? That’s it! The only treatment sounds a lot
like a method of silencing used upon criminals to me. Forgive my cheeky sarcasm
and bite. What can I say? When a thing is stupidly foolish, what is there to
say? I’m sure there are some science behind it. Like with cases of
schizophrenia. Even then, don’t forget the spiritual powers are at play. Demons
are working. These are the scientists who are saying that men can give birth to
children. To label someone’s experiences as invalid because they were
traumatized is the epitome of criminal gaslighting. Are you being deceived? I
will be patient. Remember me when you come to your senses. It makes sense to
blame memories on an injury to the brain. Even I will admit that. That’s kind
of what makes it so dreadfully evil. If it’s true, a lot of people are going to
owe me an apology. A lot of people. The symptoms were painfully obvious decades
before the memories came, my friends.
Here's
the thing: You believe that my abusers have the best interest of me at heart.
Otherwise, why would you seek them in every decision I make? They are not
concerned about me. They only seek power. They are narcissists.
“Then,
he would reveal to you the secrets of wisdom, for practical wisdom has many
sides. Then you would realize that God allows some of your error to be
forgotten.” (Jb. 11:6)
It
is the Holy Spirit which brings these memories and emotions to light for the
individual. When they are ready. It’s the reason you cannot remember what I am
saying. Because of how it affects all of you. I am not looking to scare you. I
am not trying to threaten you. I am just telling you how things are. This is
what I am up against. Satan is defeated. But I need help. Can you not see that?
Precisely because satan is seeking to destroy me. You know there are millions
of witches out there in this rotten world. My Witness friends, you cannot
ignore this reality. They feed on your blindness. It is certainty that almost
every witch is casting their filthy little spells upon me daily. It’s the
reason, since 2014, I have stumbled and at moments of breakthrough, have
fallen. Christians, if you are not going to give me the help I need, at least
pray for me. If you will continue to deprive me of a working career and of the
possibility of getting to know a female partner, at least pray for me. I am the
only one who is really praying for you. Your leaders are telling you to commit
suicide. Guys… I don’t know how to open your hearts. Yes, the victory is
assured. But, you need to know that satan is still on the prowl. His cause is
growing like wildfire in these times. You got no idea what is really happening
in this world behind closed doors. There are underground networks of the worst
sin that you could possibly imagine. Guys, why does it matter? If the victory
is already assured? Why does it matter? I’ll tell you. They will take you.
Whether or not hell exists (I think it might) they will take you into death
with their filthy spells. You are comfortable in peaceful homes. I’m telling
you. You got no idea what they’re doing. Not in little pockets. Worldwide.
Right in front of your eyes. They will take the lot of them. They will take
many of you, even praying, Bible reading Christians with their spells. Life
matters. Pray for me. They don’t care about you…
Job 11:16
“You
will forget your misery; you will remember it as waters that have passed away.”
If
you think about it very reasonably, dissociation makes sense. It’s the reason
we can survive some issues. We forget because of pain, fear, or because a fact
triggers internal panic within us. It makes sense. It is a sort of illustration
of the realm of this universe. The dichotomy between the spiritual and the
physical realms. Christian friends, I hate to say it. A lot of you have got
your heads in the sand. You are busy living for God, living lives of
righteousness that you don’t see what is happening all around you. This is not
a criticism. You are beautiful. You are beautiful sheep. But he who defeats his
enemy knows his enemy. Guys, all it takes is a little understanding. These
witches… these are demons on earth. Living and breathing. They can do things
that would surprise you terribly. All of it illustrates the dichotomy between
the spiritual and the physical realms. They can astral project their souls
across the world and spy on you while you are praying. They can control the
elements. They can send demons upon praying, fasting Christians. Guys, you need
to know. Pray! You need to pray!
Emotions
This
is typically the cause of repressed memories. It occurs when our emotions are
unbearable and so hard to cope with that our mind, to cope, blocks them from
our awareness. It is an involuntary reaction, which is often adopted as a
result of extreme, overwhelming emotions. We do not have awareness that we are
doing it. And while, in our minds, we are not bothered by the troubling matter
any longer, the effect these memories have on us can be debilitating. First of
all, the emotions, the energy contained in these emotions need still to be
felt. Because they remain unfelt, this energy remains in our psyches. The
problem is, is that they are not dealt with. They simply lie dormant,
unprocessed, inaccessible. They still affect us. This is the cause of physical
ailments, emotional distress. Depression, anxiety. These are not illnesses of
themselves. They are symptoms. As the emotions, themselves, are symptoms. There
are benefits of repressing our emotions. Even though they are significantly
small next to the disadvantages, there are benefits. This allows us to carry on
in face of severe situations affronting us. This also allows us to adapt to
circumstances where it is impossible to escape. Ahem… Like a satanic family who
raises a child in their trauma.
Emotions
can be painful. Especially to one who does not have the ability to process
them. This can occur when a trauma or big event happens to a child. Children do
not possess the thinking ability to process through their words, what has
happened. When we repress our emotions, we can have difficulty for the rest of
our lives. We can have difficulty expressing ourselves, difficulty facing
conflict. If you’d think about it reasonably, you would be able to recognize
that it is emotions, the emotional state, which makes us most like Jehovah.
This here, is the key. It’s where Satan tries to ruin us. It’s the purpose of
the shame and the attacks on us. Keep your emotions. Emotions are the most
beautiful thing in the world. Next to faith, our emotions make us like God.
Having met Jehovah, I can attest to His extremely emotional state. Emotions
need to be nurtured and protected. This is the primary responsibility of
caregivers. Remember, the emotional state of the human can be wounded. Does it
sound overreaching to you that I suggest that society has a role in helping
ones with damaged emotional states to heal? Only to a selfish society would
that be overreaching. Keep your emotions. Protect them like treasure. It wasn’t
until I met my best friend in the world that I realized just how integral
emotions are to the human person at their core. While, I truly believe that
Jehovah will provide you with the key to healing, I want to share some ways I
have been able to get in touch with my emotions. It can help to be direct. Using
statements like, “I feel…” Stay grounded. To be honest, I had a terrible time
labeling what I was feeling. Because I did not understand my emotions, I did
not know what they were. Jesus has helped me greatly with this. He has the
power to heal entirely. The reason I have been unable to accept healing is
because I hold my trauma still. They will try to trigger me. They will do
everything they can to try to trigger me to be angry. I will be patient while
they stamp their feet and have their tantrum. Remember, the severity of the
cruelty of a bully is evident in the way they use people’s suffering as a
weapon against them. This life is about more than what we do. It’s the heart of
men that is valuable. It’s the innocence of a creature that makes him important
to Jehovah. This is what I mean by what we do does not matter to God. It’s all
about innocence. What we sow in life is important. It’s the reason we are
here.. to glorify Jehovah in our talents. But, let me ask you a common-sense
rhetorical question. It might prove of itself how foolish you are. The
President of any given country and a child, just born… If I were to ask you to
tell me who was more important between these two, what would you answer? If you
answered that it is the president, you are a worldly Christian. Ya’ bleeding
Bolshevik! Go back and read my article on compassion. It’s very basic,
elementary spiritual theology. What we sow in life is not always important.
Trauma accumulates. Talents are nurtured in environments of love. They cannot grow
without love. Love grows love. It’s what sets me apart. My innocence. You can
label all of your surveillance as surveillance on account of my sin. If I am
not culpable for my sin, what you’re doing amounts simply to mass gossip,
doesn’t it? We already know where it comes from. Gratitude, friends. But, if
it’s true, nothing we do means much. Our deeds are rags. Filthy rags. Even our
acts of love. Except, they are not. You know they are not. They are the reason
we are here. I’m just saying, they’re not the only thing that matters. The
heart of a person is the most valuable. And suffering endured by innocents is
incredibly powerful.
Anyways, is it important? Should we focus on recalling our memories and painful memories? We all have painful memories, after all. Here is the thing: These repressed memories, even while we don’t remember them, affect and influence our lives. Like a rudder of a ship, these emotions, these memories when they remain under the consciousness, will affect our behavior, our speech, our attitude. Even for those led by the Spirit, these repressed memories will still influence us. It’s the reason for all the child abuse these days. This is not a taboo, rare thing. Everybody is doing it. Everybody has been through it.
Sexuality
Phil 3:13
“Brothers,
I do not consider that I have made it my own. But one thing I do: forgetting
what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead. . .”
Everyone
has a sexuality. If we repress it, it is only going to come out in painful
ways. I am not ashamed of my sexuality. Why are you? It was not a choice that
my sexuality was repressed. It was a result of a lot of pain in childhood. You
forget what my relationally close, female abuser did to me. You treat sexual
sin as character trait. You may just be hypervigilant. To me and to society, as
a whole. We have all been wounded in this sacred way. Don’t forget that people
change. Not only that but that some sins are inculpable. Let God speak. Here’s
also the thing: we learn how to interact with others based on the way our
caregivers train us. Consciences can be moulded. Sexual sin is not character
trait. It is most often symptom.
As
with the repression of memories, repression of sexuality is rarely done
intentionally. Again, I can speak personally to the issue. As my abuser
continued her abuses of me, it progressively made sexuality a little less
desirable to me. Was this because it is not desirable? No. It was because the
way it was used against me filled me with shame, fear and hurt. Again, it all
comes back to shame. When one is made to feel shame about themselves,
particularly their sexuality, they grow unable to express fully their sexual
identities. It is an evil thing really. And nothing a child could do could
merit this as it develops in childhood, at a time when we are our most
innocent. Most often, sexual repression develops in reaction to sexual assault
or abuse, causing the child to associate sexuality with feelings of terror,
shame and fear and panic. Even the thought of sexuality can trigger unpleasant
memories and reactions.
Everyone
has needs. Everyone has many needs. The need for food, water, sunlight,
shelter… Somebody named Maslow did a chart about it. When you think of love,
intimacy and passion, would you say it is a need? Of course it is. If you
cannot see it as such, it just means you received your fill when you were a
child. From your parents. It means they did a good job parenting. Sexuality,
also, is a need. Look, chastity is beautiful. I have seen firsthand, the
beautiful ways in which sexuality can be harnessed and channeled into
creativity. It’s really remarkable. Almost positively, there is a thing to be
said for waiting until marriage to exchange this energy. At the same time,
sexuality is incredibly liberating for the soul of man. The term, man, in this
case, is used universally and applies to women as well. Have you not noticed
the incredibly profound way the spirit has overtaken our world, at the moment?
Carl Jung, Sigmund Freud, they got this right. I don’t know which one got it
right or how they got it right. But they were talking about it hundreds of
years ago. How exciting. With the Illumination of Conscience, awareness will
come, which will inspire a new, church-wide sexual revolution. It gets the hair
ruffled on your back, huh? Settle down. Priests will be busy out the bleedin’
door with marriages. Sexuality has the power to liberate a soul. It’s what I
mean. As people are having sex earlier in their lives, more liberally, the soul
becomes more liberated. Is it a good thing? The way things are at the moment?
No. Because there are few boundaries. Because the sexuality is disordered. So,
it leads the liberation of these into wrong paths, wrong directions. But,
sexuality is not nearly as evil as we have made it out to be. Guys! Not
everybody is called to be monks! The commandment remains. It will remain until
the very dusty end. Go forth and multiply. Populate the earth.
I
would like to simply offer insight about the topic of rejection. We all have
experienced rejection, haven’t we? It is universal. And, we all have the
responsibility to bounce back from it. So, why talk about it? It ties in nicely
with the topic of shame. Why rejection is so damaging and traumatizing to the
one who has experienced childhood trauma. We cannot be expected to treat people
like flowers. A bit of friction builds resilience. I know someone against whom
rejection has often been used as a weapon. Even while he was at the religious
community, women have sought out to make him suffer the pains of rejection. The
author of this article conjectures that they attempt this knowing his own
actions towards women. In addition, they are maybe just a little envious of his
future. They cannot understand how God could bless so much this one with this
tainted past. It makes sense when you begin to consider what he has endured.
And what he is still enduring. You do not yet understand the implications and
effects of relationally close, female abuse. You cannot grasp the shame it
creates. Do you know why? Especially my male audience? It’s because it triggers
emotions hard to deal with in you. So you avoid it. You cannot empathize or
even sympathize because you, yourselves are wounded. You think this one who you
have targeted deserves this targeted rejection. Your argumentoli falls apart if
he is not culpable. But constant, targeted and intentional rejection and for
the sole purpose of cruelty and suppressing the victim’s character, this can be
especially damaging. Abuse survivors are very intuitive and sense easily the
intentional cruelty. This is damaging because it is an extension of the
original trauma. Funny how at some point, we all begin to realize and to
recognize the fact that we all, everyone and lot of us, is an abuser too, huh?
There is no chance in it. It is caused by cruelty and cruel desires.
My
situation is a little more severe than most. As there was a satanic pact
enacted upon me to try to shame me into believing sexuality was evil. Satan
created this pact in order to suppress my spirit. As sexuality liberates the
spirit. When I was a baby, curses were placed on me that I never experience
passion or work to support myself. Society seems to have teamed up with satan
to make sure I don’t make money from my books. I have been robbed of God knows
how much from this evil industry and envious people who think my intellectual
property somehow belongs also to them because God gave it to me. Shame! You
justify it. As narcissists will do. And you think you rob me in the name of
God. In terms of passion, it’s not something I am choosing deliberately to
avoid. My sexuality has been repressed from the age of 14. Here’s the thing:
The dynamics between the trauma caused me by a “relationally close, female
abuser” has created in me terror of sexuality, terror of women, fear of my
masculinity, shame of my masculinity, fear to initiate and much else
discordance in relation to interpersonal intimacy. You seem to think my
resistance is a choice I am making. My abusers put me in a prison of fear and
shame. They literally clipped my wings. It’s the nature of this type of abuse. You
ask how I am qualified to speak about this issue? I am really the perfect
person to speak about this issue. You’ll know this for certain when they try to
steal my story and these words. The incredulous, envious rascals! If I am
crazy… If I am a false prophet… tell me, why do they steal my intellectual
property? I repeat for emphasis. The incredulous, envious rascals! By the way,
I am beginning to detest having to refer to her as my “relationally close,
female abuser.” I assume you know what I mean by that.
Then, there’s the other form of repression. One that happens when society tries everything it can to oppress someone who they envy and fear. God sees.
IoC
Isa 65:17
“For
behold, I create new heavens and a new earth, and the former things shall not
be remembered or come into mind.”
And
how does this affect all of us? Here’s the salient, sobering fact. It affects
all of us. Even if we don’t want to believe it. The Satanic Panic of the 80’s.
Understatement! This is not an American problem. It’s not a church problem.
It’s not an elite problem. It’s an everyone problem. This disease, like dark
tentacles, has infiltrated its way into every aspect of our society and world.
The presence of covens and underground channels of sin exist literally
everywhere. Would you laugh at me if I told you that right now, there are
people who are living double lives? That these double lives are almost entirely
unaware of the other? The repression of memories is one thing. This is the
thing. It’s deeper than that. The satanic panic gave us a glimpse of how the
darkness is operating. All one needs to do is venture onto certain corners of
the internet to see how real it is. Like every evil, it needs to be brought
into the light.
You
must know there is something different sin the world right now. For, within the
past decades, things have spiraled as though down a slippery slope. In terms of
morality. In terms of sanity… The symptoms are obvious. You know how I feel.
And, while there is no absolute, strict ‘way’ to know Jehovah, there is absolutely
Truth. There are many truths. If the only truth that mattered was the Bible,
what would be the purpose of the Catechism? The Awake? The Watchtower? The
symptoms, from a perspective grounded in Truth, are obvious. The sudden decline
in mental health, creating havoc. Wild ideas like the fact that a man can be a
woman, give birth to a child, the blind obedience to the state, the
proliferation of Communism, the almost idiotic and suicidal importing of other
cultures to saturate our populations. The science! Science also has a pricetag.
I attest, much of history, as we know it, is false. So, what is the cause? The
cause is trauma. I have spoken about it in detail in other articles of mine on this
blog. I will not delve too deeply into it. Please know, it is all connected.
All of it. This is the honeyed summary: Shame affects all of us. We are all,
the lot of us, perpetuating the cycle. All of us. You ever heard a comment,
like, “She’s so fat.” It’s what I mean. The tide of shame affects all of us. It
begins in the family. Parents and siblings, teaching kids, small as pumpkins,
to be ashamed of themselves. It is also the doctors, the teachers, the
authority, the bosses, the priests… It’s all about shame. This matter is the
central issue afflicting our world today. It’s the reason one does drugs,
another overeats, another perpetuates violence. The true issue is much deeper
and much more elaborate than that. I leave it to God to show you. If He desires.
“I’m highly suspicious of anyone who tries to cover up or hide this kind of
evil. 2 corinthians 11:14 ‘And no wonder, for satan himself masquerades as an
angel of light’.
Isa 54:4
“Do
not be afraid; you will not be put to shame. Do not fear disgrace; you will not
be humiliated. You will forget the shame of your youth and remember no more the
reproach of your widowhood.”
But
this is another thing: Do you notice how some people react differently to
trauma than others? Regardless of how low you feel you are, regardless of how
many sin you have commit, the fact is that there is always hope. Here: this is
the important thing: We need to recognize that we are sinners, friends. A lot
of people in the world today are truly so in the dark, they have made gods of
themselves. The important thing is contrition. For if we cannot see our
sinfulness and our need for a savior, we are kind of lost. See, once you know
the love of Jehovah, through Jesus, shame is not a thing anymore. For me, it is
a bit different because I am carrying the trauma of my past still. It’s the
reason His love hasn’t been able to completely transform and liberate me.
Here’s the thing: Crime… severe, toxic and prolonged sin… It doesn’t get any
better if we ignore it. If we are silent about it, it’s still going to affect
us. Confessing our sins… Means more than just confessing the sins we have
commit. Confessing our sins means bringing into the light everything. It all
affects us. We cannot be silent about it. This is the pandemic. Adults are
capitalizing on the silence of children. It may not be intentional, conscious
or even culpable. Child abuse, and it affects all of us, always ends with a
finger to the mouth’d ‘sh’. Alright, this was a figure of speech. But, it’s
true. It’s the reason we still believe all of that stranger danger nonsense.
90% of child abuse occurs in the home. We cannot expect our children to take this
burden upon themselves and then ask them to be silent. This is the bed of soil
from which grows every problem in the world. Schizophrenia. Cancer. Depression.
Everything. It is an evil world. This does not mean that Jehovah wants all of
this injustice. It doesn’t make it right. If there were an opportunity for the
world to rejoice, why don you not think Jehovah wouldn’t want it? You’re
masochists! But, justice begins when the victims begin using their God-given
voices to say, ‘you cannot do that to me. I am a child of God. What you’re
doing is wrong.’ We have been fed a lie that meekness is roll-over suicide. God
doesn’t want us to commit suicide. And He wants us to fight when necessary.
It’s the only way that leads to integrity. So, this is the reason we cannot be
silent. Must not. In addition to this, shame grows in the silence. The only,
only, only way to heal from shame is to speak. Shame grows like a cancer in
silence. Speak! Speak your truths until the unjust judge hears your case. It’s
about self-respect.
Job 14:17
“My
transgression is sealed up in a bag, and you seal up my error with glue.”
What
does this all mean? If we have repressed memories? The lot of us? Well, it
means that it may not only be me who is in mortal sin and doesn’t think I am…
This is the thing. It’s deeper than memories, isn’t it? There are millions o’
people living lives they are not even aware of on the conscious level. It’s
been programed that way. When the Awareness comes, we are in for a treat. I’m
telling you. Dagum! It’s when the true realization of our states before God
will be made known. Lots o’ sin being swept under the carpet for the past
millenium or so. In a moment, you will have a glimpse of yourself in a way that
you never expected. I implore you. Find God, find Jehovah before that day
comes. It is unavoidable. At my death, truth comes out either way. Regardless
of what you do to me. I want to be obedient to you. Do you think your precious
envy and contempt at my existence will sizzle out? That’s cute. This is true:
One way or the other, God will bless this world. It is His will. I leave it for
Jehovah to demonstrate to you. It is an illusion of comfort for our consciences
to take our sin away. Repression of memory doesn’t just occur when something
bad happens to us. It also occurs when we do a thing, our hearts cannot deal
with. Is it still a debate? Do you not realize how twisted it is for a person
to suggest they know better than another about that others’ experiences?
Anyways, the purpose of this is not to shame you or to scare you. I’m only
saying, it’s prudent to be prepared. For this day will come swiftly. At that
time, there will be justice of God. It is foolhardy to say that you haven’t any
sin. Even baptized Christians who visit the Sacrament of Confession (in
whatever form you seek it) weekly. You’re doing great. All of you. For Jehovah
has not revealed your experiences to you. Therefore, you may consider it that
Jehovah is keeping you in safety. The mind will do amazing acrobatics to ensure
us of our goodness and give us comfort. During the cleanse, however, when we
are all held accountable and judged, this information will come as a shock to
people. It’s actually a blessing for you if Jehovah chooses to reveal to you
this information. Here’s another bit o’ heresy to chock onto the truck: the
prisoners who suffer well are in fact more blessed in this life than
millionaires. They are being made to humble and endure their justice before it
comes in the end. It’s better than being hit by a brick wall in the cleanse.
This is a reason the Illumination of Conscience is necessary. Purgatory does
exist. I have seen it. Be glad this Cleanse is coming… Anyways, the point of
this is that we all have sin… Serious, serious sin. All of us… When we realize
this, it can be incredibly liberating. Do you believe I am threatening you with
this? That it is something I am planning? Look, I am just telling it how it is.
I’m telling you what God intends to do… I want to be obedient to you, but you
don’t know what’s what… That moment when the realization happens will not be a
bad moment. For those who truly love God, it will be glorious. It will be the
greatest thing in the world, next to Jesus’ coming. Strengthen your
relationship with God.
-
From
a temporal stance, it makes sense for me to wait for my blessing. Especially
considering my sin. There is an element of this you are missing. The spiritual
perspective. Satan seeks my soul. He is not going to let me wait much longer.
You will forget. Your envy will be incensed. At some point, he’s going to use
the world and the Church to try to kill me. It’s nothing new. I’ve been dealing
with this for decades. Pope was not in the Spirit when this decision was made.
Look, I’m sure I’ve done enough in my life to merit the fact that a lot of
people shouldn’t really care that satan tries to kill me. It’s who I am to God
that makes me special. It’s that what I endured in childhood, I endured for
Him. And for you. Jehovah will show you what I am up against. Just wait. I want
nothing less than to be married and have children. Prove me wrong. Don’t forget
anymore. Prove me wrong. Don’t be so envious. Don’t measure your manhood next
to mine. You know my fate. I will be resurrected. You also know my past and who
I am to God. This should prevent you from wanting to crucify me. Shouldn’t it?
Look, I have always said that people needn’t believe what I am saying until
there is reason to. But, what I am saying is simply common sense. No, the
itching teachers Paul warns about in his letters are the ones advocating
modernism, communism and sexual liberation. Actual deviation from the
Scripture. What I am saying was at a point, common sense. You are being lied
to. Laity, rise up! Compassion is the only reason you should have mercy. You
forget what I have already endured.
The
sign of a true Christian is not perfection. It’s the presence of the Holy
Spirit, convicting us in our behavior. Christians sin all of the time. While we
are called to sanctification, we are not perfect. Anyone in the same position
would also get angry. Their sign of my sinfulness is something that is
completely justifiable. I have a right to be angry. They know this. Boy, I
really am quite simple. Quite innocent. Jehovah shows me your true nature. If
you were trying to protect me, you wouldn’t bully me.
Of
course, you believe you are the chosen of God. That’s what faith does. It
uplifts one to God. There is nothing wrong with this. Keep doing it. For it
strengthens our faith. Here is the thing: Religion (a particular way) is
unnecessary. Faith is the central thing.
It, itself is what is beautiful to Jehovah. There are many ways and many paths
to developing faith. A religion is a physical and tangible conduit for
developing our supernatural faith. Of course, the religions oppose me for
suggesting it. They have created a monopoly on faith, claiming to possess
fullness of truth. It’s about power. Not faith. I’m just saying, do not believe
God does not love everyone else. It is an error to think God loves only those
He has chosen. As we can see from my previous letter of common sense, God loves
the sinner the most. Not because of what they have done. Because they don’t
deserve it. It is grace. He loves these for the sake of drawing them closer to
Him. You misunderstand because you don’t comprehend God’s greatness. And, I
think you desire to be special. And for your works to be special. Innocent up.
God will show you. Soon.
Here's the thing: I need help! With everything. This is what I need
comfort in. To heal. My sexuality is very, very shamed. If you are a woman and
you have smiled at me and sat around waiting for me to give you my number, it's
not that I don't want to. It's that I am scared to death. I am overwhelmed.
Please help me. Guys, I don't know how to tell you why this is not a sin. I
wish I could articulate how what happened to me has affected me. It's not so
much how it has affected me. It's that what I suffered, I suffered for God.
Yes, my childhood was formed to be a very specific person. God asked me to
endure what I endured. The formation was my abuser's choice, not mine. All I
suffered was for God. Yep, it involved sin on my part. It's because of my
formation. Listen friends, if what I am saying means nothing, it will come to
nothing. Don't let your envy overcome you. Control yourselves. Don't allow the
story of Joseph to be reenacted. Just because it is a story in the Bible
doesn’t mean the actions are condoned and moral. I am pouring out my heart. I
need help. First of all, a nocturnal emission is not a mortal sin. Secondly,
you have no business airing my sins publicly. Or finding loopholes to air the
nature of my sin. I am very wounded sexually. Yes, we know that the center of
identity of a person is their sexuality. We know that wounds of a sexual nature
can form a person along a path. These wounds can form conscience and life path.
I experience a lot of shame from what I been through. My sexuality is not bad.
Nobody's is. Every sexuality is formed. Look, I am not a religious. I am not a
monk. I am not forcibly celibate. On the contrary, I need a lot of comfort. I
need to know sexuality is not evil. God wanted me to experience passion before
my death. This is because of the witchcraft darkness used against me when I was
a kid. It's the only way for me to break it. Is by experiencing passion. What
is sin? Some sins are not as mortal for other people. Sins of a sexual nature
are not as sinful for me because of what I endured growing up. Yep, there have
been many sins I have committed. I confessed them all. Certain sins are not
culpable for me. Even premarital sex is not sinful. I await to see if this is a
circumstantial situation for me only. Because of what I endured growing up.
Wait. You'll see. God will prove it. Guys, why do you think God wants to hinder
love? There is no sin in curiosity. In spite of the fact that I don't even
think masturbation is a mortal sin for me, I remain completely chaste. When you
understand wounds, you understand what it means to comfort. This is not out
there. Just the same, when you discover what y'all have been through, your eyes
gonna' soften towards sexuality too. It's the reason that when I am healed,
after I return, I will have a number of wives. Still, there is a paradox for me
in overcoming this hex. My sexuality is very wounded. I fear women. The only
woman I don't fear is married. I cannot initiate because I cannot trust
quickly. I am dreadfully ashamed of my sexuality. There is no reason for it. I
am and have been completely chaste as a choice for almost ten years. I have
repressed my sexuality. I can feel myself feeling the need to uphold this
repression because I'm trying to prove to people I am not a threat. I know I am
not a threat. I was only reacting as a kid. I need help. I need help with my
sexuality. How do I explain in language that children could understand that
some sins are not as sinful for certain people. Guys, open your heart. Let me
think of an analogy that might resonate with you. To begin with, let me say
that God wanted me to be happy, to experience passion before my death because
what I suffered, I suffered for him. There was a lot of shame and fear
associated with the trauma I endured. So, from a human perspective, from a
loving human perspective, if a child was traumatized repeatedly by snakes in
infancy, would the society around him, subject him to snake torture for the
rest of his life? Set aside the original sin in your hearts. I know you all
seek what is distant from God and seek to hurt people naturally. This is not
the case with God. So, if a child suffered sexually as an infant through his
adolescent years, how would God want him to reintegrate? How much more if the
child suffered what he endured for the glory of God? For everyone else in the
world? I understand, your sense of justice is being triggered. How could this
child ask for help in this intimate regard now, considering this child acted
out in the same way and hurt other people? It's all about culpability. How I
acted out, I was not culpable for. So, let's say a child was sent to war. A
loving society might do everything they could to reintegrate it into society.
It's all about love. How a society views its vulnerables and its littles. I am
not saying anything outlandish. It is your heart which needs a revamp. Pray on
it. Or don't. God will show you. If a perfect society were to help a child
reintegrate into society after trauma, how much more would God desire to help a
child reintegrate into society after a trauma. Thinking about it all, it really
is a heart issue. Our society has lost heart. Inherently, compassion is a
western trait. Empathy for wounded people is a trait evident in Western
cultures and within white cultures. The infiltration of other cultures to
Canadian culture has eroded a sense of heart for people who are wounded. Let us
remember our heart as a culture. It's not racist. It's simply that Christian
cultures tend to be much more compassionate. As opposed to other cultures. It
is not that only white people can be compassionate. It's just that Christian
cultures tend to express empathy more. St Kateri, St Bakhita, St Martin de
Pores. There are always exceptions to this rule. Keep persecuting me. I can
take it."
I am beginning to think you are just resisting me for the sake of
spite. This is not a church issue. Compassion is an everyone issue. It is what
makes us like Jehovah. Name of God! I am not talking about saving the whales
and protecting eagle eggs. I’m talking about people. Yes, maybe it is a far
reach to think about society helping one person to heal. Seemed a reality for
me at one point. Anyways, do you not see how this is about more than simply
Jehovah’s people? It’s about the world. If we all took this step to help our
close ones, the world would be better. Don’t tell me Jehovah’s Kingdom will fix
everything. Do you actually believe what you are uttering. I can’t believe you
do. Oh, goodness, yes, let’s watch our cousins bleed to death on the street and
do nothing about it. It’s okay. Jehovah’s Kingdom will fix it! Yes, in a way,
it is true. Jehovah will restore everything. But, can you not see the absurdity
in not helping suffering ones? Let’s say they are close to us. Who do you
closer resemble in overlooking their suffering? Satan or Jehovah? A simple
question. Packed with meaning. Think about it. If your brother was in a car
accident, what would the response of a loving sibling be? “We’ll let him
suffer. And suffer good. There will be an end to his problems in the distant
future anyway.” That’s ridiculous. You know that you would support him. It
begins with the family, friends, church, community. If everybody did this,
think of the glory. Here’s the thing about me: My abusers shamed my sexuality.
They shamed my natural desires. I struggle accepting what I want. This is what
I know: I am being bullied dreadfully by almost everyone in a position of
authority. I need some help. 1. Finding a safe and holy place to live. 2. A
medical advocate. 3. Help with my book sales and finding a job. 4. Finding
intimacy and passion. The ritual abuse set a contract over my soul that I would
never experience passion and work to earn a living for myself. This is the
reason my identity hides still. Because I have not experienced passion. It’s no
mystery that my book sales have been robbed and funneled into somebody else’s
bank account. It’s satan. Compassion that is offended at a rejection is not
compassion. It can be hard to accept help. Really hard. And, for the bleeding limbs
of me, I can’t seem to find a woman who desires to know me for me. I’m sorry if
I speak harshly. I know your potential. I have literally seen it. I have seen
your goodness. Love. Do not let the advent of greater hope in the future become
for you a reason to not display love in the now. Actions speak louder than
words. Except for one thing: actions are guided by accumulated trauma too.
“I cannot
entirely explain my fears. Maybe they have to do with the ingrained belief I
have about the power and fear that were used against me. Maybe it has to do
with the very real, veiled threats, which came in one form or the other, all my
life. Probably it has a lot to do with the fact that there will be no
corroboration in my testimony. For the repression and amnesia and denial of
memories is not exclusive to me. I just pray that when truth surrounding this
issue is revealed that they find peace and solace in my humble and respectful
forgiveness. This was not your fault. All I know is that there is a valour in
Truth that is absent in the darkness. All I know is that I have punished myself
for crimes committed against myself for far too long.”
I
just have to remember, all the time that after the trial, however big it is,
things will get better. I just have to overcome and fight it straight on.
Keeping faith in the Christ the whole time. “A woman giving birth to a child
has pain because her time has come; but when her baby is born she forgets the
anguish because of her joy that a child is born into the world” (John 16:21). I
feel it’s necessary to express these negative feelings. We cannot simply
repress them. Because when we do that, they affect upon us in less clear ways.
It’s not a bad thing to feel and to hurt. I am not ashamed to feel my feelings
because they’re a reaction of what I have been through. It has allowed me to
see myself with love and to start to treat others with love and respect. It has
allowed me to think before I speak or do things. We’re all troubled with
impulses. It has allowed me to rejoice in my sufferings and what I have been
through. It has allowed me to praise who I am today. It has allowed me to find
happiness and joy in myself. But the scars still exist.
It's a very elementary psychological
concept that our sexuality as human beings can be moulded and shaped by our
experiences. Elementary in that the concept is so simple that schooling may
actually interfere with our ability to understand it. And yes, it's
true that I am attracted to younger women. For a society that believes gay
people don’t have a choice in their sexuality, I think you are simply
hypervigilant because of my past I have abandoned this as a possibility since
younger women are broken more than me, immature and unequipped emotionally to
be friends with someone like me. It is a futile search there. I have tried to
be a good friend to people to show you that I am not a threat. You’re not
giving me a chance. You are cornering me into a box. You’re judging me based on
a couple of things I did. Guys, before feminism, it was actually the norm for
men to marry younger and women to marry older. Even up to a generation ago, it
was common for men to marry 10-15 years younger. I don’t get it, why are you upset?
To your eyes, I am not a potential mate…
Even
in the cases where I do stare, I don't know how to tell you why this is not a
sin. I wish I could articulate how what happened to me has affected me. It's
not so much how it has affected me. It's that what I suffered, I suffered for
God. Yes, my childhood was formed to be a very specific person. God asked me to
endure what I endured. The formation was my abuser's choice, not mine. All I
suffered was for God. Yep, it involved sin on my part. It's because of my
formation. It was stumbled. Listen friends, if what I am saying means nothing,
it will come to nothing. Don't let your envy overcome you. Control yourselves.
Don't allow the story of Joseph to be reenacted. This is the issue: My sin,
having it displayed like in a zoo, makes you feel better about your own sin.
You feel helpless about my message and what is certainly coming. So you seek to
project all your sin onto me, psychologically. Think about this: If it is true
what I am saying, there being a curse upon my sexuality and my needing
sexuality for my spiritual liberation… but because of the curse upon my
sexuality and the shame I experience as a result, a bit of compassion can show
you why I stare. If it is need, psychological, emotional, physical and
spiritual (the greatest need a person can have) and because I am so
psychologically wounded that I cannot pursue that need on my own, why do you
think I am staring. I am staring out of longing. I want it. But it feels I
cannot have it. This targeted rejection business you have got going on is not
helping. After a woman pretends she is interested in order to get me interested
and then turns her back on me… You call me a heartbreaker because you do not
understand what I have been through myself. Being lied to about everything.
Pretty much everything.
“I
had coped with my pain, but God wanted it healed. I was powerfully
reminded that healing was, and is, an essential part of Christ’s person,
presence and message—a truth we have largely forgotten both in the Church and
in a hurting world that largely offers coping mechanisms instead of authentic
healing in and through Jesus Christ.” https://aleteia.org/2017/03/10/the-healing-of-memories-as-part-of-the-christian-journey/
