Comatose

There is an entire life behind people. Not only our perceptions of who they are.

The time I spent in coma was a lot like sleep. I cannot venture to make observations about anything that happened during it in the living world. I can easily make assumptions though. I have occasional glimpses of stuff that happened on the outside world during the coma. But mostly, I had a lot of spiritual experiences and dreams. The dreams were terrible. I had out of body experiences, once where, about a week after the injury happened to me, I was going to a different hospital to get a feeding tube installed. I remember looking down on my body there and out of the window, later recalling exactly the landscape of the neighborhood in which we were driving. I heard people saying stuff. I heard a conversation about a subway being built that I mentioned about when I woke. They started construction on the subway while I was sleeping. But mostly what I remember after the injury, after the immediate blackness of unconsciousness, was a feeling of panic and fear.

Emerging from the blackness and entering a realm mixed with feelings of fear and anxiety, I felt a presence. The presence told me I was in hell. I don’t remember anything about this place except for the pain it showed me, the pain I felt and the pain it wanted me to feel. As time passed and as I continued to resist against the pain, a voice entered my head. The voice encouraged me not to lose hope. It told me that my life would have a very great purpose and that I had to overcome the pain. It told me that I would change the world for the positive when I overcame. The voice told me I could live a very happy life, filled with joy and love if only I was to tell about what was happening to me. I had to overcome the fear that held my heart to disclose my secret. All around was pain, memories of times I’d hurt people and memories of hurtful experiences. It was terrible there and I just wanted a rest.

I wanted so very much to be happy. I wanted to overcome. But love for me, from really the day I entered this world, was deception. But it was not only deception. It was the worst pain, it was torture and sadistic sexual trauma that pretended very sinisterly to be love. I was terrified of love because even the very thought of it was an indication of painful deception. I feared to trust and in my little heart, it was safer for me to avoid the possibility of future pain caused by deception masqued by the guise of love by living out my life in fear, shame and hurt and then overcoming at the end when no one in the world could hurt me anymore. I thought it was rationally safer for me to live in fear and overcome at the end of my life. Over all of these feelings of fear, which I could have easily had overcome, there was a deep and painful feeling about myself in my soul that I didn’t deserve to overcome and to have a happy life. My spirit was broken. There was nothing bad about my soul. It was crippled to this by all that I had endured. Still, I thought and believed in my tender heart that I could overcome at the end or even try during my life in order to accomplish the will of Heaven.

The soft, encouraging voices faded away and were replaced with the voice of the presence in hell. I lay my guard down and ceased resisting the pain at that moment. I would overcome at the end of my life. I could portend it. That regardless of how painful a life I was to live, I could sense and even visualize my ability to overcome and beat death at the end. I understand now that the evil one was permitted to tempt me. I was expected to overcome death then and accept Christ in the coma. I was to overcome death so that I would be liberated at the time of my death later in life. There was to be an undoing of animals and beasts at the time of death. Because I had resigned to overcome later and had allowed the shame and fear a place in my heart, I listened to this impure spirit. And I watched with regret and rising shame, the experiences I would never have, the joy I would never feel, the love I would never experience all fade away. As he was tempting me, I just allowed him to go through images as my soul became terrified. I allowed Satan to tempt me. I allowed him to fill my mind and heart with terrible fear and shame, as within it, raced by terrible feelings as images of gross oppression and terrible injustice. I saw crimes that were committed and I saw the isolation, shame and fear caused by that crime in its future. It all seemed very familiar but I could not place the feelings origin. I was tempted. Slowly, I could feel in my heart growing a resentment and fear that God had asked me to suffer for Him. I was tempted into questioning the fairness of the fact that good people suffer in life while a lot of bad people are given glory, fame, money and love. I began to feel the shame and despair of many souls who had commit suicide. Again, here Satan tempted me into questioning the fairness of the fact that these souls had lost hope with their suicides. For it had been revealed to me that when one commits suicide, there is little chance of their overcoming death because of the shame and guilt they would feel about their lives at the time of their deaths. It is a giving up of hope. Then he asked me the direction in which I wanted the disclosure of my secret to push the world. He went through different choices and I became more and more filled with shame and fear as I refused each opportunity. He asked me if I wanted to bless the world. I said nothing. After a while, this voice asked me, “Why don’t you even try?” He saw the fact that I was confused and hurt. And he capitalized on it. First the spirit asked me if I wanted to hurt the people who hurt me. Then the lies evolved, getting worse and worse. The spirit then tried to coerce me into failing God, telling me that I would really get back at people if I did that. I told it that I couldn’t do that. I wanted to do the will of God and to help people. The spirit told me that considering how far I’d come in my choices, there was no way of my living a happy life then even if I wanted to. That’s when he tempted me further by saying, “You know, there is a way that you can bless the world and get revenge at the same time.” I remained silent, my guard forfeited out of a residual shame that lingered from my life. Though I had lost the will to try, I had not forgotten my oath to myself that I would do the right thing when the time came. I remained silent, but was formulating in my mind a plan of escape if things came to worst in the future because of my forced decision to wait.

I could sense some time had passed when the blackness and feelings of fear left me and were replaced with a feeling of joy, peace and love. The feelings lingered for a little while and then I was introduced to Heaven. I remember many children and angels encouraging me to smile and open up my spirit. The angels had expected me to have had overcome death at that time. I had to overcome death because that was the only way I could liberate my soul with the severity of the trauma I had been forced to endure. They said very warmly that I had been forgiven for all that I had done in my life. And when I asked about the time that I had blasphemed the Spirit, they said I’d been forgiven for that as well. I asked how that was possible. They told me that with God, all things are possible. Besides, I was a special circumstance. I had suffered terribly and was tempted to say it by a pain that was unfair for any child to go through. I told them it felt as though I’d sold my soul to the evil one. They said that even if I had, only God, the Father could determine the fate of a person’s soul. They told me that the sooner I told about what my abusers were doing to me, the better. As the abuse would just continue. I’d just have to tell before I died. I would die young. I remember asking when the latest time I could tell was. They said I didn’t want to wait too long. I had to enjoy my life and have fun. The angels offered me a choice of what direction I wanted my life to go in. Finally, they asked if I wanted to serve God. I could choose to tell my secret whenever I wanted. If I didn’t want to accept God’s beautiful and holy mission, that was alright. I would still have to tell and go on to live a happy and long life filled with love and joy. I absolutely had it in my heart and knew I would overcome. But that does not change what I did. I chose to be Elijah and to die a young age in order to bring a blessing on the world. I did this, knowing fully well that I had not overcome the evil one. I wanted to do God’s will so very much and thought if I tried in life, I could accomplish the will of God through an act of will power.

There was announcement in the Kingdom of Heaven that I was to have an audience with God, the Father. I was weighted down with the honor and the privilege. A lot of the angels in Heaven were clearly upset that I’d have this audience and they questioned why it was being granted. (I would like to pass my true and loving respect for these angels: for I can understand your reasons). As time passed between then and when I would eventually have this audience, I came to feel more uneasy and the shame in my heart grew. I found myself unable to speak. Everything had changed suddenly. I found myself in utter awe of his grace and love that He would even show Himself to me, a human being. I do not remember anything of His appearance. It was as though my senses had been stripped of me save my hearing and my understanding. All I can recount is the incredibly humble majesty with which He presented himself to me. I remember the great gentleness and love He tried to show me. I remember the wonderful softness with which He displayed His voice to me. I felt I had not the right even to speak in His presence. I felt such shame even in the face of the great honor I’d been offered. I knew very well that I did not deserve what had been done for me. The reason I was able to survive this was because I was in spirit form. He encouraged me warmly and as I began to realize the Truth and Love of His nature, I opened up to Him. Everything about His nature and the feelings I received from Him indicated that He loved me unconditionally. As He beckoned to me warmly, I became aware and asked sincerely, “Who are you Lord?” He answered, “Jonathan, I am the I AM. I am the Creator, God.” I covered my ears in the unworthiness I felt not just of being hurt in the ways I had been but clearly mostly because I truly was unworthy to stand in the Presence. He asked me why I’d made the decision to be Elijah having not have overcome then. I was silent. God was really patient with me. He tried to encourage me more. I remember feeling as if a powerful wind had passed by me then. It cut into me like knives but there was no pain. At that time, I broke down and I wept in spirit. I cried out to Him and told Him how what had been done to me had affected me and that I really wanted to do His will. I told Him that I did not feel worthy of love, happiness or joy. I told Him that I felt like I was being deceived when I was offered love and happiness. And as a result, I had decided to wait out my life and save myself at the end. That way, I could avoid further hurt, especially hurt that I’d bring on myself by allowing love an open door in my heart. In my perception and understanding of Him there was a deep expression of hurt. He made the decision to use me still. I then told Him what was shown me in hell. He encouraged me to keep faith and not to believe anything I was told there. He helped me think through the course of my life and how I could make the best of the situation that I’d not overcome then. The temptation of the enemy held onto my soul even here. I wanted to withhold the revelation of the secret of the abuse I was enduring. I didn’t even know where the desire was coming from. It was simply a weak urge that quickly would transform into a powerful electric sensation, pulling me in a direction. I was prophesying, having visions then. I saw that many would scoff at and hate me. I asked Him to search my heart. I asked Him to search my heart because I wanted to know why I couldn’t accept His path, why I couldn’t love myself. In a sense, I also asked Him to do this for my sake. I wanted to know whether my soul was malicious or whether it was just so broken and worn down that it just craved love. God told me that He wouldn’t search my heart. That He couldn’t do that to someone who was living. But He assured me that the pain I felt then was a result of what I’d lived through. The reason I resisted love was because I had been betrayed. God told me that after my trip to Iceland, people would be curious about me and He asked me if I wanted to die then. I said that I didn’t. He told me that I would have to write a book after this. And after the writing of which, I would die. When He realized that I was still hesitant, He asked me what my plan was. I told Him what was feebly trapped in my mind from my time in hell. I had no moral sense. I couldn’t even distinguish between right and wrong in my shame. I told Him that I wanted to bless the world while also doing what the enemy had shown me to do. I was so ashamed and reacted quickly when I felt His reaction. He was deeply saddened by what I had told Him. The sadness I felt was magnified by the Father’s sadness. I felt terribly for what I had done. To this day, the thought that I have offended God in His warm, compassionate, loving and forgiving nature makes me weep. I didn’t even know why exactly I had done it but at that moment, I decided to repent. I said that I would publish the book I had written after my time in Iceland. He told me that my life would be difficult but if I were to overcome, I’d receive eternity, bless the world and that there would be a surprise after some time. He asked me if there was anything I wanted from Him to help my mission. I thought for a moment and then foresaw myself in Iceland over the next period of my life. I asked Him to bless a picture of me that I saw being taken of myself there. He asked me again if I wanted to do this mission. I told Him hesitantly, that I felt unsure whether I could do what was required of me but that I would be able to try my best. I just wanted to know that I had a Father who loved me. I truly thought that I could do anything with will. He encouraged me so warmly and spoke to me so gently. Here He told me that I must choose to live a happy life. He encouraged my heart. He desired so much for me to have a happy life. But it was not just for myself that He wanted this. I told Him that I could not be happy in my life. I told Him what happiness signified for me. It was a precursor to disaster in my heart. When He heard this, He told me that I had to think carefully about my responses, about what I truly wanted, because what I chose there would become a path for my life, directed by my soul. He tried everything He could to convince me to live a happy life. But I resisted. After some time, I sensed the presence of another spirit. It spoke with the Father and then they encouraged me. I told Him that I would try my hardest to prepare myself for the time when I returned from Iceland. The Father assured me still. That was when the experience ended for me. Truly, holy, holy, holy is the LORD Almighty. I was given a truly remarkable privilege, the honor of which I was hardly worthy of. Our God truly is a remarkable, forgiving and loving Father. It is my shameful, sinner’s prayer that when I am finished with this life, I can look back and say that I glorified Him in a way that was worthy and fitting of the gentle and loving ways with which He has handled me. I acknowledge that it was entirely a gift. Even in my suffering, the extent of which and the intensity of which does not make me deserving of what He has offered me. I just pray that He, the seeker of hearts, can understand why I fled so often from the love He offered.

As I have said, I made a strong commitment to tell the truth of my life to the best of my ability. There is no crime too great, no shame too deep that the Father cannot heal and forgive. I only wish that I had more faith. I only wish that I was not stumbled so badly.

The reason I have had difficulty getting back into society, “getting my act together” as they say is because of what people have done to me. I have cPTSD. Because of what they did to me. Because of what people did to me. From how I was formed. I was stumbled from day one. The fact that I reacted is not a character trait. It is a symptom. As is the same for most of us. Let me say very clearly that none of the ways in which I reacted would have happened had truth come out, or had these things not been done to me.

It was not cigarettes that made me flip out. It was an accumulation of stress and feelings and trauma that made me freak. I didn’t know how to interact with the world because the world was always attacking me, it was a war zone. My enemies were those closest to me. I was hysterical and in shock most of the time that year. I was not myself.