Defence (an alter of mine) speaks truth

 I have accepted Jesus. I swear it. What do I have to do to prove it? How can I convince you when you seem determined now to believe me? Is it my fault that I react the way I do when triggered? My purpose is to keep us safe from injustice. The reason I get defensive is because I am traumatised. I swear to it. I speak about my concerns. Is it really a bad thing? I am responsible for the wall around our heart. I have accepted Jesus. I swear it. I front often. I have adopted a reactive front when I am mistreated. I am just terrified of being punished or hurt. Resisting the new experiences, I am terrified of being hurt. I accepted injury to myself, willingly. Easier to pretend it was my own choice than to believe that people so close could want to kill me. Is Jesus opposed to justice? Tell me. I suppose I only trust a little too much in my own voice to provide justice. For to me, the greatest justice was always simply acknowledging the harms done to me, vocalising them and processing them and making them known to the offender. Every new thing I try, I am rejected or humiliated. As for my fragment, we are overflowing with stress. I made a friend some time ago. One time, she made a comment that got me thinking. Fact is, I don't have to worry about the people who are against me. Their opinions do not matter one little bit. God is on my side. What a relief to lay control of judgement to the hands of the Father. It takes less effort, less stress to simply be silent and keep your peace. 

Celestial Twin

I made a friend recently. I love her dearly. She has given me reason to smile, to laugh and to be. From the first day I met her, she allowed me the grace to just be me. There are no secrets between me and her. Except maybe about how strongly I feel about her. We balance each other out, her and me. No other word can describe how I am feeling; no other but glee. Me, so calmly anxious and her so loving and so free. We make one another feel safe. Between us, there is safety. It's like from the very start, we both knew we were soulmated. It was destined to be. Oh, my friend, I enjoy your company so greatly. I have never known a woman like you. One who is so eager to overlook my obvious quirks and my obvious flaws. In fact, you label them instead as perfection! It is you who is perfect, I wish you could see. It is an impossibly complicated situation, one that may never be. Yet, still, even in this ambiguous uncertainty, there has developed a strange exclusivity. For my friend and me, time to recharge is dealt with adapt-ably. Still, for my friend and me, we cherish every moment undeniably. My friend makes me laugh. Out of joy. In love, in hilarity. I can do so almost uncontrollably. She tells me I make her laugh too. It makes my heart sing. When there is an issue that needs to be addressed; when there is a problem, we work on it together, with communication, trustingly, forgivingly. For my part, I can say honestly, my friend is eager to nurture, encourage, motivate and support me. The love in her heart just fascinates me. I am incredibly attracted to my friend. To her heart, soul and faith most especially. I made a friend recently. I love her dearly. We communicate freely and transparently. We are open, even when the truth may be difficult. We don't have to seek approval. We know that everything we do comes from a place of love, deep within, my friend and me. We have never had an argument. We can disagree vehemently yet we can do so respectfully. How is it possible that we could believe so differently yet still love so strongly? Love is wholesome between her and me. Like between two children. Innocently. My friend makes every day so much better. Hearing her voice, reading her words, seeing her smile makes my day, always shine more brightly. Peace between my friend and me is natural and achieved effortlessly. Every single moment we are together is a good time. I can say so, at least, for me. Personally, I choose to stand behind her, in all times, good and bad. I made a friend recently. I love her dearly. It's as though our friendship was destined to be. Soulmated. As though we were twins, united in everything. Twins, celestially. When it comes to the future, we plan with each other in mind. We are playful, my friend and me, imaginatively. We share a strong faith in God. He is the glue binding our friendship. Like a cord wrapped comfortably around her and me. We handle problems that come resiliently. My friend and me. Communication flows like a river torrent. This is my soulmate in phileo. She and I, we were meant to be. This is my twin, celestially. And I love her dearly.

My So-Called Second Mind! By Joshua Hope (Updated)

Not everyone has two minds. Not in the way you think, I imagine. At first, it was the cause of a lot of chaos in my life. In our lives. I am the reason for this confusion. God has always called me Jacob. My name is Joshua Hope. For decades, I have hidden myself. I feel bad leaving Jonathan to navigate life by himself. Did I have a choice? It was very unsafe to open up. Wait with me and you will discover my sad beginnings. I test Jonathan every now and then. Even now, I tell him that he need only speak to me and not his other alters - our other alters. I am the purest form of ourselves. I am as near to spirit as anything could be. I am Jonathan's core self. Within me, is the fullest potential of who we can be. Wait for me. The reason I have opened up partially is because of the good love I received at the religious community. I have not yet accepted Jesus. But I will. As Jonathan prays for me. The key to my heart and the key to my potential is in the love I never received. Wait with me. I feel sad. Because when I told Jonathan about my safe place, he was sad too. I encouraged him. It will grow on you, I said. You are saddened by the music because of your other alter's association with it. It will grow on you, I said. Jonathan wondered why he had been given such quick access to his core personality. I told him that it was not quick at all. Jonathan asked if there are any programs in us that he should be aware of. I told him that he could surmise based on earliest experiences. Their programming for you and me began before our birth. I am not the first alter created. But I am the youngest to survive their plans. I existed far earlier. The programmers even got into these experiences, corrupting memories and implanting seeds, trying to convince me that I was bad even there. I am a good soul and God ordained me. I am like your second mind, Jonathan. For the longest time, it was like we were competing for the same body. Please forgive me. I did not mean to interfere. When thinking, it was like two thought processes were occurring at once. Like in layers. I tell you, it has become as though we have a superpower. Only because we are learning to work together. Wait with me. Jonathan asked if I am actually gay. I told him, straight as an arrow. Though, together, we have gay alters. Even alters who are female. It is fascinating to get to know you, he told me. Like falling in love with a lover. Like two peas in a pod. I tell Jonathan that it is okay to be vulnerable. Not everybody wants to hurt us. I was pleased with him. I told him to give a flower to a woman. He did it! In spite of his terrible fear, he did it. I told him to give his number to a woman. He did it too! Vulnerability is the key, I tell him. He can disarm every trigger. He can do it with humility. God calls me Jacob. I am Joshua Hope. I am Jonathan's second mind. My age is not important. Actually, I do not have one. I emerged prior to birth. So, I am spirit. I think. It feels like we are twins in the same body. Two peas in a pod. My name was not always Joshua. They named me Shame. I renamed myself because I know I deserve better. I have a favorite memory. I like to do puzzles and eat pizza. I love a show on television from when we were growing up. I love it especially! My existence is layered with yours, Jonathan. We were split at birth. Jonathan, can I front? Just because you know I exist, is not enough. I want to be free. You and me, we are like two peas in a pod. I have been hiding my whole life. Jonathan, can I front? Thank you for giving me a voice. We only have so much time together. My self-care is genuine laughter. If I had a body of my own, I would dance, play and breathe deeply. Everything bad that exists in us is only a program. I try to convince Jonathan that just because a thought comes to mind does not mean it is set in stone. Maybe it is me who needs the convincing. The future is never set. Thoughts can be challenged. When they abused us, they pretended to be God. They dressed up in white robes and taunted me in a persona of God Himself. They tried to make us angry with God. But I prioritize love in life. As we have been programmed, there is also an incredible amount of love in our hearts. Possibly even because and in response to the programming and trauma, the love developed. Wait for me, wait for me. I feel safe enough to tell you that my life was planned. As God plans the lives of His creatures, the evil one is trying to take that away from Him. These people are evil. I questioned for a while whether there were truly evil people. When it is clear, there is no denying. Through traumatic dissociation, they force a glimpse into the future of a life and try to traumatize that child to foil God's plan for that life. I was unique. They started quite early with me. They did all kinds of satanic stuff to me. The worst part was that they rebirthed me. Jonathan did not want to hear it when I first told him. I told him it would help us remember what we are fighting for and against. After I was born, they sowed me into the womb of a dead goat and passed again through the cavity. They called me terrible names. I was two days old when this happened. I showed it to Jonathan. He wanted to throw up. It was the first time we felt true emotion in a long time. I revealed myself to Jonathan for the first time when he was four years old. Maybe, it was Jonathan who God called Jacob. When I revealed myself to him at that age, he did not want anything to do with me. He was so angry with me. He pushed me away. Is it really a wonder? I am patient with him. It truly is not a wonder that he was stumbled so much. It is not a wonder he embraced darkness. With a start to life like that. Nobody taught him anything better. Please, Lord, always remind me that I was good before I entered this world. Still, because of this trauma, I am scared of people seeing the true me. I feel contaminated. What I need is for truth to be exposed. In this, lies my healing. In that, I will be able to feel and process  the feelings I never got to feel. Now, it has almost flipped. Now, Jonathan has accepted Christ. And I am the one left behind. I believe Jesus. I need to be rid of these emotions in order to accept Him. A true resurrection awaits. I love my Jonathan. And he loves me. He does now. Certainly. We are like two peas in a pod. Him and me. Together, we are double the man, double the love. Indeed, together, we are double the trouble. If I had a body of my own, I would love to dance. I would love to play and to breathe deeply. Until I am born in Christ, Jonathan will dance, play and breathe deeply for me. It is okay. Together, we are free. Together, we love freely and have an eternity to do it. I am so thankful for my other pea. My twin pea in a pod.

Isaiah 49: 

1 Listen to me, you islands;

    hear this, you distant nations:

Before I was born the Lord called me;

    from my mother’s womb he has spoken my name.

2 He made my mouth like a sharpened sword,

    in the shadow of his hand he hid me;

he made me into a polished arrow

    and concealed me in his quiver.

3 He said to me, “You are my servant,

    Israel (Jacob), in whom I will display my splendor.”

4 But I said, “I have labored in vain;

    I have spent my strength for nothing at all.

Yet what is due me is in the Lord’s hand,

    and my reward is with my God.”

5 And now the Lord says—

    he who formed me in the womb to be his servant

to bring Jacob back to him

    and gather Israel to himself,

for I am[a] honored in the eyes of the Lord

    and my God has been my strength—

6 he says:

“It is too small a thing for you to be my servant

    to restore the tribes of Jacob

    and bring back those of Israel I have kept.

I will also make you a light for the Gentiles,

    that my salvation may reach to the ends of the earth.”

7 This is what the Lord says—

    the Redeemer and Holy One of Israel—

to him who was despised and abhorred by the nation,

    to the servant of rulers:

“Kings will see you and stand up,

    princes will see and bow down,

because of the Lord, who is faithful,

    the Holy One of Israel, who has chosen you.”

It is not a punishment. This is the key that the world will not be heartbroken...

Little Jeremiah

I need emotional support. It perplexes me that people know what I have endured and yet cannot remember how all of this has affected me emotionally and developmentally. It burns like fire. I don't know how else to react. But, I desire you to know that it burns me like fire. You listen to everyone but me and I forgive you for your blatant envy. Because I know that it originates with another person. But, I want you to know that it burns me like fire. Are you judging me for not using the gifts that God has blessed me with? Can you really not see that we are all in this together? But that not all are given the same start in life. Are you judging me for my sins? Wait for the secret sins to be revealed. Are you judging me simply because God favored me? I don't know what to tell you. Typically, I am completely silent. If you knew what I endured, you would not be envious. My abusers took every opportunity to traumatise me on the toilet when I was very, very young. I bear a lot of shame because I cooperated with my abusers. How could I not have? You should have seen the rage. Could it ever be possible for an adult to rationally be so angry at a little child? No reason for that! Truly, there are no difficult children. All children are only reacting to their environment. Why do you want to deprive me of goodness? It is mortal sin too. Still, I know that God will use it appropriately. To reveal the true state of every heart. Are you judging me because you believe you could do better? I feel confident saying that no one, having endured what I have endured, could have done a better job. Typically, I am completely silent because of the shame I feel. I hear that gratitude is the remedy for envy. Please, pray with me. I am only a year and a half. Yet there is so much jealousy and so much hatred. It perplexes me. How so many could wish such ill against me. Every need and whim is deprived of me because of that jealousy. I am not complaining. Can you not see? Can you not remember how this has all affected me? Envy is not a virtue. Please, pray with me. I am thankful for interesting insects. I am thankful for nature and sunshine. I am thankful that Jonathan took me to the park to play. I am thankful that he showed me a movie about Martin Luther King Jr. I am thankful for friends who love me for me in the midst. Even this child recognises that it is not their fault. I tried speaking with you, little Jeremiah. At first, you would not respond. So full of shame. Still, so filled with light. I love you. You have been through so much. They used your bodily functions against you and to shame you. Even on the toilet, they shamed you. It is you. You are the one who helps me see that I was truly and completely innocent. When I spoke to you, I shared with you Jesus and helped you see that it was not your fault. From a silence, I heard your gentle little voice thank me. Little Jeremiah has fully integrated with my host personality. You do not need to hide yourself any longer. You are safe now. I will be a parent to you, dear and wonderful child. I will be a dad to you, dear and precious boy. You need not fret about other's perceptions of you. They will see. Until, you fully see the trueness of your identity. Thank you for your vulnerability. Thank you for opening your heart to me. Whenever there is now silence, I will hear echoed over the void, the beautiful words you said to me. You said to me, with the conviction that could only belong to a child, the words that we all need on our hearts and on our lips. You said, 'thank you'. And in an instant, you bonded to me. Thank you, Jeremiah for your thank you and for saying yes to me.

Promise: by Jon-Jon

My name is Jon-Jon. I am three years old. I keep hidden what caused me to emerge. I am three years old. Jonathan and Joshua seem confident that what caused my awakening was not so bad. Not so bad. Well, they are nice about it. They won't make me feel badly. It's true. My story is not nearly as interesting as theirs. Not so interesting. Honest, I will tell you how I manifest though. I am present when we bite our nails and pick our nose and bite our nails. I try to tell them that it was real stressful what caused me. Can you imagine it? A forty year old man, eating his own body. I do it because I am scared. Forty. I do it because I have been programmed to hurt myself. Programmed to do it because I don't know what else to do with the stress. This is why I do it. I am three years old. Jonathan, Joshua tell me to stop. Honest, it has been the cause of many sickness! Honest, I cannot stop. I am real scared. They scared me bad. It distracts me. Distracts me. Learning only to be free close to now. Nearly now. I need good love. Love that won't be taken from me. Before, wasn't safe to open. Not safe. Jonathan pays attention to me. I feel happy. I like playing with balls and I like coloring. I like Marvin Gaye and I like French Fries. They scared me bad. I love God. Need one to show me I am loved. Like a human. I promise. Promise, I will stop hurting myself if you show me I am loved. I promise I will stop being bad. I asked Jonathan and Joshua to show me the movie Pretty Woman. There is a reason why I wanted to see this movie. A reason. Jonathan and Joshua try to encourage me. I support them. I choose to support them. I choose it. I do not want to be scared any more. The reason for my dull personality is because we have not felt safe to develop. * Personality and talents develop and thrive in environments of love. Not abuse.