Little Jeremiah

I need emotional support. It perplexes me that people know what I have endured and yet cannot remember how all of this has affected me emotionally and developmentally. It burns like fire. I don't know how else to react. But, I desire you to know that it burns me like fire. You listen to everyone but me and I forgive you for your blatant envy. Because I know that it originates with another person. But, I want you to know that it burns me like fire. Are you judging me for not using the gifts that God has blessed me with? Can you really not see that we are all in this together? But that not all are given the same start in life. Are you judging me for my sins? Wait for the secret sins to be revealed. Are you judging me simply because God favored me? I don't know what to tell you. Typically, I am completely silent. If you knew what I endured, you would not be envious. My abusers took every opportunity to traumatise me on the toilet when I was very, very young. I bear a lot of shame because I cooperated with my abusers. How could I not have? You should have seen the rage. Could it ever be possible for an adult to rationally be so angry at a little child? No reason for that! Truly, there are no difficult children. All children are only reacting to their environment. Why do you want to deprive me of goodness? It is mortal sin too. Still, I know that God will use it appropriately. To reveal the true state of every heart. Are you judging me because you believe you could do better? I feel confident saying that no one, having endured what I have endured, could have done a better job. Typically, I am completely silent because of the shame I feel. I hear that gratitude is the remedy for envy. Please, pray with me. I am only a year and a half. Yet there is so much jealousy and so much hatred. It perplexes me. How so many could wish such ill against me. Every need and whim is deprived of me because of that jealousy. I am not complaining. Can you not see? Can you not remember how this has all affected me? Envy is not a virtue. Please, pray with me. I am thankful for interesting insects. I am thankful for nature and sunshine. I am thankful that Jonathan took me to the park to play. I am thankful that he showed me a movie about Martin Luther King Jr. I am thankful for friends who love me for me in the midst. Even this child recognises that it is not their fault. I tried speaking with you, little Jeremiah. At first, you would not respond. So full of shame. Still, so filled with light. I love you. You have been through so much. They used your bodily functions against you and to shame you. Even on the toilet, they shamed you. It is you. You are the one who helps me see that I was truly and completely innocent. When I spoke to you, I shared with you Jesus and helped you see that it was not your fault. From a silence, I heard your gentle little voice thank me. Little Jeremiah has fully integrated with my host personality. You do not need to hide yourself any longer. You are safe now. I will be a parent to you, dear and wonderful child. I will be a dad to you, dear and precious boy. You need not fret about other's perceptions of you. They will see. Until, you fully see the trueness of your identity. Thank you for your vulnerability. Thank you for opening your heart to me. Whenever there is now silence, I will hear echoed over the void, the beautiful words you said to me. You said to me, with the conviction that could only belong to a child, the words that we all need on our hearts and on our lips. You said, 'thank you'. And in an instant, you bonded to me. Thank you, Jeremiah for your thank you and for saying yes to me.