Let the little children come unto me (Jesus)

So you also, when you have done everything you were told to do, should say, 'We are unworthy servants; we have only done our duty.’” Luke 17:10

Suffering itself, suffering for suffering’s sake does not make one holy. Unless that suffering was endured for His glory. It’s about how we react to suffering. And I do not feel I am doing that bad, in the face of everything I am up against. I hope you will be able to see, by the grace of God, just how much faith it took. I have told my story. The symptoms are all there. I am not nor have I ever expected anyone to believe until after there was corroboration. When the truth comes out, read my writings again. God bless you. Remember that the world needs to rejoice. I know it cannot make sense to you entirely. With what’s happening in the world.

What I need is the love I never received as a child. When Christ came to me, I was a mess, emotionally, physically and spiritually. I still struggle. But I think I really owe it to myself to stop, look backwards and see just how far I have come. I need to stop feeling badly about who I am. I need to stop seeing everything that is bad and negative about me. I need to recognize that I am a child of God. And that that is paramount to any despair, any trauma and any failure I could have. God fills this gap with His Holy Ghost. I want this. I want to live and love. I don’t know how to. I am learning. And I am fighting so darned hard for the life that I know I deserve. I don’t need love as a reward for something I’ve done or said. I don’t even need reciprocal love. What I need, what I crave and deserve is unconditional love. There is only one place from which to get that. When my mission is accomplished, I will be at peace.

Jesus called them together and said, “’You know that those who are regarded as rulers of the Gentiles lord it over them, and their high officials exercise authority over them. Not so with you. Instead, whoever wants to become great among you must be your servant, and whoever wants to be first must be slave of all.’”

“Each person should remain in the situation they were in when God called them.” For a long time, I got hung up on this passage. Passages like it, like he who desires to be exalted will be humbled. And he who humbles himself will be exalted. I feared that accepting the glory that God had prepared for me would go against these passages. I refuse to believe this lie any longer. We should know that we cannot perform a closed reading of Scripture with the intent of getting at its entire purpose. We need to read it in context. The context of the Bible is God’s love for His Creation, His glory. These passages can be contrasted with others, like, “Do not lose your saltiness.” Or “You wouldn’t light a lamp and place it under a bushel.” God wants to glorify us. This is how He is glorified on earth. But we cannot forget that while everybody in this world suffers, some suffer a lot more. There are reasons for this.

I’m not looking to be rewarded. I’m looking for peace. I believe strongly that God will use me. I was kind of born for this. But, “For the corruptible body weighs down the soul, and this earthly dwelling presses many thoughts upon the mind” (Wisdom 9:15). I didn’t write that prophecy. Nor was I created for it. That prophecy was written for me. Things were to be much better. I am kind of ashamed of what I forfeited because I didn’t feel worthy and couldn’t trust. I am not just a prophet to the Church. Let us remember that worldly glory is not necessarily conflicting with God’s will. We don’t have to be a religious to serve God. We can serve God in so many ways. Doctors are serving God. If the heart is in the right place. #David. # Solomon.

I am the first to question my own worth. Emotions accumulate as well as trauma and shame. We need to express these emotions otherwise they continue to have an effect on our daily interactions. I don’t want attention. I don’t feel I deserve it. In a lot of ways, I don’t feel I am healthy enough. When I laugh and divert my eyes from people because they give me attention, this is not because of pride. It is because I get really overwhelmed and don’t know how to accept it. Maybe mixed emotions. It is not a result of pride. Validation would be encouraging for what I have been through and in a lot of ways am still going through. Just enough attention to help the right thing happen. It’s not about me. It is about truth. It’s about His beautiful Jesus. Wait. If it is God’s plan, He will glorify me as I deserve. I have faith in His love. Wait until there is reason to rejoice. And when there is reason to rejoice, honor will be given where it is due.

Don’t forget that there is a story, a whole life behind my testimony. Things will be made clear. Things will be better. This is about truth.

Jesus, I never said I was nor would I insinuate that I was a savior. Jesus is the only king. For me to downplay the nature of my mission would not be in true humility. Humility tells the truth. And you give honor where it is owing. I am a prophet. Who would argue that the world is in a bad place? Is it a Christian idea that the world deserves to be in a bad place? I believe that God would want to give His children a chance to repent first. Is this such a bad thing?

I recently finished reading a book on childhood sexual abuse recovery that juxtaposed the experiences of a number of very brave and beautiful people, their experiences with sexual trauma as children, to that of the sufferings and betrayals of the Lord Jesus Christ. It was a beautiful yet sobering book. I think that the biggest gift I received from the book was an outlet in the process towards the healing of my own shame. For a long time, probably since before I can remember, I suffered from a false toxic shame as a result of others actions towards me. The journey to recover from sexual abuse is very real. But so is the ability to heal and recover with the Spirit, to become emotionally clear and purified. The book shared this verse: “This is the message we have heard from him and declare to you: God is light; in Him there is no darkness at all. If we claim to have fellowship with him yet walk in the darkness, we lie and do not live by the truth. But if we walk in the light, as he is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus, his Son, purifies us from all sin. If we claim to be without sin, we deceive ourselves and the truth is not in us. If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness” (1 John 1:5-9). Abuse is sin and causes damage to its victim. The paradoxical tragedy about abuse is that abuse survivors live with the damage created by someone else’s sin. Shame is very real. And it weighs us down deeply. The effect that gives abuse its power is not so much only the timeline of events. It is an extra dimension of shame and secrecy, fear and silence, justified anger and suppression. This passage from 1 John emphasizes the fact that Jesus can cleanse us from all sin and unrighteousness. Even if that sin is not our own. God would never hold a child abuse victim responsible for what they endured. They are just children. We need to tell God the truth as it is in our lives and allow God to cleanse us from that truth. We need to acknowledge the damage caused by that truth. I prayed this prayer a couple of days ago. Wow! Physically and completely, I did not expect to be healed. But I am feeling so empowered. I am feeling for the first time as though I have an identity. I feel like my feet are connected to the ground on which I walk. It could be simply endorphins I feel about the faith I feel for the future. I will say this: by accepting truth and shedding shame, we can become stronger, compassionate and empowered people. I get encouraged to think about the first time I set foot in a counselor’s office, the first time I entered my group therapy and recognize immediately how well I am doing today. I remind myself of just how far I have come. At my worst, relearning to breathe and swallow my own saliva. At my worst, dragging my feet through the parallel bars at a children’s rehabilitation hospital. At my worst, fixating my sight at the clock in front of me in my own bedroom, in dissociation because it was too painful to even feel. At my best, content in my faith. At my best, feeling good about myself, who I am and not being ashamed of being a human being. I’ll never forget the first time I realized the terrible impact of what happened to me. The sudden awareness of all of these terrible things done to me, the sudden awareness and deep guilt for things that I myself had done was shattering. But I was not alone. And that painful experience was definitely not the end. There was hope in my future. There was peace after the struggle. There was contentment after the fear and shame. I’ll never forget the first time I walked into my group therapy for men survivors of child sexual abuse. I was shivering and emotionally closed off. It was in learning to be vulnerable that I was able to better understand and embrace what I have been through. We need remember at every point in this life, because we are all walking along this path together, we are not alone. We need learn to depend on one another. Mostly, we are not alone because we have One who has gone before us. One who has suffered the human experience greatly, who has felt shame, humiliation, who has been betrayed and injured deeply. One who has conquered death, suffering and fear so that we are able to LIVE. I want to take an opportunity to thank you for your faith in the past. I know that what I could have given you was more. Please continue to have faith. There is a reason for everything. And I pray the reason will be revealed. I ask you to remember the countless times I turned my cheek to oppression and violence. Please remember that I forgave. Remember that I overcame a massive injury and terrible crimes. I know I push away offers of love and attention at times. Please just remember the fact that I was never permitted to develop the emotional, social and tools of intimacy that many grow with naturally. It’s not an excuse. But it’s a reason. It’s a reason I am fighting very hard to correct. Shame is not temporary. Shame is something we carry with us. And that shame accumulates. Please remember what I have been through when you examine my life. This is not about reputation or what we do or say. People are very much more than simply what we see on the surface. This is both Biblically sound as well as Catechetical.

What is the remedy for toxic shame? For shame in general? This is a difficult question. It is a mindset unlike most others. From my understanding, every emotion has a corresponding outlet. Some way through which we can channel that emotion. Sadness, sorrow. What do we do with sadness? We cry. With joy, with happiness, we can smile, we can laugh. With anger, we learn to express it in healthy and constructive ways. With shame, however, what I am learning is that the only remedy is to speak your heart. To speak your story. We need to be honest with our emotions and learn to become vulnerable with our true selves. We need to heal our inner children. We need to take care of ourselves. After all, if we do not love ourselves, how can we love others? Jesus heals. Absolutely! Oftentimes, within the shame carrier’s story, there exists a great many misconceptions and areas of faulty thinking. Basically within these stories, lies exist, either told to them directly or developed out of frustration of trauma. These lies have to be assessed and reframed in order for the survivor to be healed completely. For their true selves to emerge. At which point, the love of Christ within a person has the potential to become truly manifest. That love can bloom and blossom. Look at the child. They are unconcerned with worldly things such as money or people’s opinions. They simply chase their dreams. They simply dance and beat to the drum their own beautiful hearts emit. This is what the Gospel means, “To enter the Kingdom of Heaven, we need to have the heart of a child.” This does not mean being childish. It simply means being unrestricted by the weights of this life. To be free. To have one’s spirit in harmony with their body. I am learning this. Still, I am carrying the repressed emotions from my childhood still. Dang, I was terrified of people’s opinions as a baby. Because unfair burdens were placed upon my shoulders as a child. Burdens that not even adults should have to carry. Let us remember the vast complexity, indeed resilience of childhood. Though they are resilient, they are vulnerable as well. What is done to them and around them affects them greatly. I simply want to encourage you tonight. Children are so precious. Life is so incredibly precious and beautiful. They are also incredibly vulnerable and impressionable. We need to care for them. We need give them a future, which they can laid hold of firmly and confidently, with both hands, saying, “thank you for giving me life. I exist today, because at a point in my existence, somebody (many people) decided that I was worthy of life and of the investment in my life.” Let the little children come to Jesus. For He loves such as these.

Grace

I was really starting to catch myself taking on a lot of negative things happening around me. In addition to everything that has happened at the support group, especially during my own primal recovery from abuse, I took a lot of the stuff I had heard there home with me. Later, I would be able to distance myself from the tragic stories of others until now, I feel stable in my ability to process what I am feeling more effectively. Yesterday, somebody jumped on the tracks at the subway. The second I heard this, my soul just dropped within me and I took on a bit of the responsibility for this. I hope anybody reading this can respect how difficult it is for me to acknowledge and process this. I feel as though I could have prevented stuff like this from happening, had I have been well enough to trust and accomplish my mission sooner. I feel this a lot. I feel a lot of painful and sorrowful responsibility for what happens. And in a lot of ways, it makes sense. But it’s unfair on myself to take on the entirety of this burden. God knows, I am so incredibly sorry that this is taking so long. And I wish I could have done things differently. I wish people could see how desperately and exasperatingly I am trying; that I weep and pray for days at times. And that I know that things will be set to the way they’re supposed to be. There will be justice. Anyways, this prayer, this reflection that I read grounded me and put things into perspective for me. It offered me a lot of hope. And that is how we are going to triumph, how we are going to win. This is how I am going to win and triumph. With hope. Please remember why I came, why I was sent on this mission. Not a conscious choice to not accept what you were offering. Not a wilful, conscious choice I am making to not trust. It’s a result of years of accumulation of stress and traumatic reaction. Neither am I in a sinful state. I am hurting. I can feel God’s compassion and love. He knows why I am having such a hard time. In spite of this, I know that trusting God in everything except one area is not fully dying to ourselves. Over the past decade, since beginning my healing journey, I’ve noticed the feelings, the negative ones, but mostly the positive ones being much more available for me to appreciate and process in a bodily and tangible way. Whereas in the past, I would have just buried them the moment they crept up. I want to acknowledge a vivid recollection I have now that I’ve wilfully shied away from in the past. This is an experience I had during my time in Heaven that stands out nearly as profoundly as any other. I am not aware of the two figures’ identities but the conversation is clear that we had. I’ll write about this later. It felt like we were alone, having a private conversation. They were telling me that a lot of the angels in Heaven were confused about the mission that I was being sent on. They said they didn’t understand why I should have to sacrifice so much. Here, he was speaking about the suffering of my youth. The work was completed on the Cross. They conjectured that it would have been a difficult mission for anyone. They said then that they all supported God in that His plan always works for the best and that His Will must be done. They said that God saw things that would ultimately bring good even if there was bad in the meanwhile. God saw things that nobody else could. They asked me what I thought then. I told them that God knew best and that I trusted Him. That there must be a reason for the purpose God had for the life I would live. I told them that I felt God’s love in my soul and that I wanted what He wanted for me and that I wanted what was best. I told them I struggled with shame. Even then, I felt it. They told me that when I was able to overcome my repressed emotions, it would be the first time in my life that I would be free of the weight holding me back. I was struggling. More than my struggle, I just wanted to please God. The conversation ends there. Its memory gives me hope. In that I will be with God and that I will always remember Him and His great love.

Within the Catholic Church, I sometimes get the impression that people believe they can earn their salvation. To a degree, yes it is true. Faith built on good works is important. But, never forget the grace of God. I was so incredibly blessed to have nurtured my faith in an evangelical church. There is a lot we can learn from our Protestant brothers and sisters. I am not speaking of the ideology itself. But the lifestyle and the habits of faith. There I learned the fact that God loves me, in spite of anything I could possibly do or say. And it’s a good thing. This free gift is available to all. And the worker who began his work in the beginning, will be paid the same wages as the worker who was hired in the final hour. The wages spoken of is eternity. It is no mystery that God chooses some and His grace is greater for some than others. I get the impression that people feel as though I don’t deserve God’s grace and favor because of my sins. Am I right? To these people, I pray for. I empathize with you as well. It cannot be comforting to know that you have worked for your whole life and to see this hardened guy come in the scene and be rewarded so much. I hear you. I am the first to acknowledge your concerns. Now, this is my perspective: God anointed me before I was born. No one says you have to believe private revelation. But this is just my faith and story. If God wants to make it known, He certainly will. Everything I suffered was for His glory and for this purpose. I have protested this to God Himself. Every time that I protest, His answer is the same. Whether I like it or not, the suffering of my childhood was endured for the glory of God. God can see in the crevices of our hearts and in every area, the places where humans don’t know to look, when judging. Again, just my faith. Not to mention, with tenderness and respect, the reason my sins are being revealed now is because satan wants to silence me. Can I tell you something? When these sins of mine started coming forward, a lot of my heavenly support ceased. God the Father had to tell these heavenly beings the truth, the nature and importance of a foundation, a childhood rooted in God. After He did this, these same angels returned to me and sought again to help me. The only thing that separates me from this is truth. Politics is unimportant. Jesus, well, it is important. But it is not the most important. Place God where He belongs. One other thing, to these people who are jealous of me, I say this: wait until the secret sins are unveiled. I do not say this to scare you. I pray that you will come to see how great a blessing this is of God. Truly, the greatest act of mercy since the cross. Grace, friends. Our salvation, the reason we love, the reason we hope. It’s a free gift. Say yes. Envy, while not a sin, will always lead to sinful action. Watch your heart. God chose me even if everyone else condemned me.

What is the purpose of confession if Jesus does completely away with sin? We all sin. Less after baptism. For me, it was not until my confirmation after which I quit most of the bad coping mechanisms I had developed. Actually, it was not until after I received this special healing from a Catholic community after which I was able to live a righteous life. Mind you, even after my confirmation, I was living a sinless life, I just had that ‘speaking to myself’ problem. Pay attention to what happens when any given person recollects memories of rape. What happens is that it almost becomes as though the rape were commit in that specific timing. When you assess my life, you are hearing about stuff I did, yes. I will not deny it. I did most of that stuff. Still, everything you are hearing about the way I acted happened decades to five years ago. You are not hearing who I am today. You are not hearing that I am an extremely devout and pious Catholic who is living consciously and of his own efforts, a completely righteous life. A Catholic who spent two years discerning to be a consecrated, who still feels called to this life. Everyone has secret sins. Again, I am grateful that my sins are coming to light so that I do not have to carry all of this weight into purgatory. I feel pity for those whose sins remain hidden. That’s a lot of weight to bear in the cleanse. Let us pray for the promised Illumination of Conscience. A private revelation is private until it is corroborated.

I never said anyone was destined to hell. I cannot imagine going to purgatory with the weight of all of that concealed sin. I am extremely blessed that the way I reacted is being illuminated. This was, I can process it all now and accept forgiveness for it now. I am praying for the souls in purgatory. Let us pray earnestly for the Illumination of Conscience. This is the thing I pray for most at this time. It may not appear on the surface, to be a blessing that my sins are being brought to light. It truly is a greater blessing than it is a curse. I pray this same illumination comes to everyone. Every one of us, even Cradle Catholics, have secret sins. For the state of our conscience, truly, as it is before God, to made clear to us, will be one of the most gracious acts of mercy God has offered to humanity since the Cross and Resurrection. Pray for it. Pray for it. Even if you feel you have no need. I cannot imagine having your sins revealed to the light and still not seeking repentance. God does not send people to hell. The Church does not send people to hell. People will choose hell of their own free will. This is why it is so vital, essential and imperative to remember that we are living this life for Eternity. God bless all.

I think I can remember a day when the Mass was exclusively about Jesus. Not about some social issue or about financial inequality. I yearn and long that this day would return and return quick. Jesus is at the center of the Holy Mass. Not climate change. God forbid, not me. Have you ever noticed that readings can differ from each other dramatically? So, in effect, what results is that the teaching of the Church can be one thing one day and a completely opposite thing the next. With Christ at the center of the message, this discrepancy will be focused and true.

This is a personal reflection. I was meant to overcome during the coma I was in. I spent time in The Kingdom of Heaven. I also spent time in hell. Afterwards, I spent time in Heaven again. Because I didn’t overcome my trauma, I am still being weighed down by everything I went through as a child. Because I didn’t overcome the trauma from my childhood, going into Heaven, my emotional well-being was still damaged. Some of the angels told me clearly that my emotions, my ability to feel were damaged. So going to Heaven, I didn’t experience the experiences the way that others may. To me, it was still burdened by the worries and anxieties in life, of which, even at the age of fifteen, I had more of than most people in life. I have been instructed, and do I have faith to believe that it is beneficial for me to utter this now, after so many years, because it may offer you some understanding as to why I am still having difficulties. I remember saying once that even the biggest and strongest of animals, if it’s mistreated enough, will learn to lower its head to every interaction. In spite of this, I am learning to love again. I couldn’t be happier. God is good. Please keep your hearts open. Have patience.

“Hope deferred, is the source of a sick heart.” That verse has stuck with me a bit lately. I empathize with how discouraging this is for many people. Believe me that I understand. This has tested my faith in a lot of ways. When what needs to happen happens, none of that will matter. The longer this goes on, the better this will be. Is it worth the beautiful and special lives that are being lost? There is very little that is worth the loss of a life. Especially the loss of a child. I just want to encourage you by saying that their lives and deaths are being used greatly and will be for the glory of God. Surviving family members and society in general may not be entirely comforted in this. And their grief is very understandable and should be allotted space in which to heal. Believe me when I say that there will be perfect justice. And there is comfort for the one who has faith in the fact that we are not living for this life. Put it mildly, this life is kind of an anomaly in the greater picture of Eternity. It is literally like a grain of sand in the channels of eternity. We are living this life for Eternity. These will be rewarded greatly. And we will see them again. The longer this goes on, more valuable truth of Christ will be. I have to believe this.

In the business of melting hearts.

The Gospel is the heavenly good news of man's reconciliation with God, the Father, through His sending of His Son as a sacrificial sin offering. After Adam and Eve had sinned against God in the Garden of Eden, mankind was under the curse of death as a result of their sin. In order to redeem mankind from this curse and to show us His love, God sent His Son, Jesus to the earth, born of the Spirit. Jesus lived a life without sin and because of His righteousness was crucified and killed. He suffered the punishment for all mankind's transgressions against God, the Father. As testimony that man had been redeemed in the eyes of God, Jesus overcame death and was risen again after three days. Thus, the Son of God died and was raised by the Father as testimony that whoever believes in Him, should have eternal life. The Gospel is the good news of the Kingdom of Heaven to mankind. The Gospel is the fulfillment of the Mosaic Law and a conclusion to the Prophets of God, in its replacement as the Love of Christ. Our mission now is to share the Good News of the Gospel of Jesus Christ with the world.

Man was created in the image of God, in order that we may live our lives for the glory of God, the Creator. Following the Creation, man was tempted away from God and sinned resulting in the curse of death. Because of this original sin, all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God. Then, in His mercy, God sent for mankind a Savior, His Son as a sacrificial offering that man would be redeemed to God. Therefore, whoever believes in the Son of God, Jesus and has faith in His death and resurrection, will not experience death. The Gospel is the good news of the kingdom of God and the fulfillment of the Mosaic Law and the Prophets with the replacement of a new law: the law of Love.

In short, I was having a really difficult time in college. My emotional distress was so overwhelming for me that I was suffering greatly physically as well. Around then, I called out to Christ to hear me that I wanted to accept Him. I was baptized a couple of years later, followed by my baptism in Fire. My relationship with Christ has always been one of healing and dependence. When I first trusted in Him, in spite of the many hardships I was experiencing at the time, I experienced a lot of emotional healing. He was guiding me through the difficulty in my life. I felt a profound motivation to bring my life back in order after a lot of trauma and to spread the love He had shown me. I read the Bible twice and I went on a vegetarian diet and drank only water to heal my body. Since, I have found myself straying from Him a bit to my distress. Though, every time I do stray from His love and succumb to the tempter, I feel miserable and feel a strong pull back to the Word. The straying is a reason I am wanting to become much more active in the church. My ambition is to serve and walk in the Way but it is very difficult at times due to trauma I have lived through. I've recognized that Christ alone can free me of some of the chains that are holding me back.

I've been through a lot in my life, the result of many different traumas. Because of the suffering I have endured, I have been searching many different places to find peace and hope. I've experimented with different spiritualties and there was a period where I immersed myself in the primary texts of most major world religions. After reading the Holy Bible, I felt such a powerful connection and resonance. In college, I was having a very hard time emotionally, which actually led to my drastic decline in physical well-being. I was practically hitting my own personal bottom when I called out to Jesus and accepted Him as Lord. I was baptized shortly after. My relationship with Christ has always been one of dependence and healing. In my sufferings, my search for meaning was endless. With Christ, I have found that meaning and He gives me hope in the future and faith to fight through and recognize that what I've been through is not the finality of life. He shows me so much more. I was baptized as an adult in the Baptist church and had the great grace to have nurtured my faith in evangelical churches.

From here, I was Confirmed into the Catholic Church where from the day of my Confirmation, I have striven to receive our Lord in the Holy Eucharist daily. I have prayed the rosary daily and have experienced much healing because of this Sacrament and sacramental. I found such healing and peace in the Sacraments. I found joy in receiving the Eucharist daily. It was not until I received formation at a Catholic community at which I lived for two years that I was given understanding and wisdom about how to live properly. Children follow the path laid out before them by adults around them. When I was at the Catholic community, I received life training, which I never received in my childhood.

I am and want everyone to know that I would be nothing without the grace and love of God. Without the Spirit, I would be nothing. And to be honest with you, I would most likely be much more damaged, not even being able to make sense of much that is happening around me. There is little denying how much trauma I have endured during the course of my life. I am pretty certain that I have a developmental disorder. Nearly certain that I have dissociative identity disorder. I didn’t pay attention to the symptoms and just associated them to the head injury and trauma. I can’t look over my shoulder without spacing out now. I actually remember a time, not long ago, where I couldn’t write a sentence in the way that I am writing stuff now. I labored over my school essays and papers. If I wanted to creatively express myself or to even express my thoughts, I couldn’t do it. I can’t tell you the amount of times, years ago, I had inspiration to write stories, to create stuff. I would sit there for hours in front of the screen, not knowing where to start. The fact that I went through university, have recovered this much so far over the course of my life has been a truly divine miracle of the grace of God. The beautiful reality of my life is that there has not been one day for me, from the day I was born that has not been healing from unimaginable crimes and traumas. And during all of that, God has been holding my hand. God literally raised me from the dead. If you take anything from my life, take from it the unimaginable goodness and joy to love of our beautiful, holy and truly awesome God. Our God is an incredible Father and deserves to be praised. Our Father truly is a marvelous and awesome Father. And I do not believe that He is done with me yet. The moment I sit to write these days, thoughts flow the moment I set to keyboard. I wrote a pretty great book not so long ago. Glory to God. It’s called LADIRAE.

From 2019, I spent two years at a Catholic community where I worked, prayed and ate with a number of other Catholic people. I have been free of every single coping mechanism that I developed and maintained in order to keep sane with what was happening to me. At the end of my time with this community, I moved to another city. I will let the juxtaposition of my attitude be made by those who had seen me. I never needed an attitude shift. What I needed was the love I never received in my childhood. At the moment, I am discerning a religious vocation. The point of this brief and limited testimony of mine is that God changes hearts.

I have been many people in my life. I acted in a lot of ways like a bad person. No one can explain how every one of these things I was entirely cured of. I was cured of them not when I was baptized. Instead, when I realized and sought healing for what had happened to me. It turns out that I never was these traits. They were not me. The reason I was reacting in these ways is because my own heart was broken. I leave it to you to discern my culpability. Either way, whatever you feel, the life I lived, I am not living any longer. Not a bit of it. I am a completely changed heart. But, I am still very wounded. These coping mechanisms, which helped me not feel what I was unprepared to feel, I would never even imagine returning to now. Because they were never me. They were covers, distractions to help me avoid pain. By God’s grace, I am completely free of these chains.

We see what we want to see. If we are looking for things in a person to be negative, we will certainly find it. I have no intention of seeking to make money. Money is unimportant to me. When it comes, I am happy to see it. I am probably the only capitalist who doesn’t care a thing about money. Mind you, it’s not a bad thing. I have not taken anybody’s money or anything of value for nearly ten years. As a matter of fact, I have given away, given away literally 100,000$ I have worked myself to injury for the Church. It all depends on what you want to see. I’m sure there are cameras all over the place. All you need do is watch them. You have access to my electronic devices. You know for a fact I have not looked at porn of any sort for over 8 years. But I get it. If I am a changed man, Christ is real. And so is my message. Isn’t that the truth? I can’t help if my demeanor is tough. I will submit to whatever you feel I deserve. But I feel like you might be forgetting what I am claiming.

Thankful for the fact that if we judged people based on the writings of St Paul, everyone would be guilty. Thanks be to God that the heart of the gospel is the fact that people can change.

I would never say I am a good man now. At times, it is difficult to maintain a positive outlook and demeanor, since I do not have the consistent support of a Catholic community and without the support of love. I do not have many of the tools people are blessed with who have good foundations in childhood. Still, doing my best to live a completely chaste, holy and good life, in poverty. But, by God's grace, I seem to be doing very well at this. But, this side of Heaven, even the holiest among us are sinners sometimes. This is the entire basis of Christianity; that people can change! That the love of God transforms hearts. Thanks be to God for this FACT.

Yes, it is true that we are sinners. Christ is perfecting us!! I like to believe the best in people. Especially my brothers and sisters in Christ. I would like to believe that we live in a perfect world, one in which Christ and His Mother reigned perfectly and sin was already defeated. Alas, we are poor wretches in this valley of death. Yet, we are shining and luminous beacons of the strongest light in the midst of the darkness. I often find myself meditating upon the early Christian church and how it was that they had such powerful and dramatic changes of heart. Was it God's love that changed them? Was it having literally had a tangible experience of our God in the flesh? Of His Resurrection? What the reason may be, the fact is that thousands, hundreds of thousands of believers, changed completely and almost instantly. This grace still happens today. It has been happening since the year 33!!!! I can feel that my heart has changed. There are elements of toughness, which linger in my behavior and demeanor. And I still sin, though in dramatically less frequent, less intentional and less serious ways. Part of learning love for me was learning what love was. And what love was not. But, it has been a very slow and long process. I cannot even consider returning to the life I once lived. In part, because the love of God overwhelms me. In deep part, because I know full well the reason and the tragedy that brought me to that place of behavior.

First, clean the inside of the cup.

There’s all sorts of trauma in the world. There is a lot of literature written towards traumatic reaction obtained through a single event. It is different from complex trauma that extends for years and where there is little chance of escape. Early trauma hardwires our nervous systems for stress. Trauma accumulates. When our foundations are wrought with unprocessed injustice and feelings, this makes it more difficult to deal with injustices later. When our foundations are wrought with unprocessed trauma and feelings, this makes it more difficult to deal with everything that happens to confront us. It is when we have been able to process this trauma and injustice that great things are in sight.

The link at which the following information was posted was deleted. Just for people to know, I got these symptoms and definition from the web. Though it was years ago, I got the information from the web. The information is as good and valid now as it was years ago.

“Complex PTSD is the result of prolonged, repeated trauma - usually in childhood such as growing up in an abusive family, as opposed to trauma that occurs from an event. Those who experience an event, like a combat vet who deploys long after their personality has fully formed, remember what they were like before the trauma and wish they could be that person again. With complex trauma the personality is (usually) formed in trauma and they’ve never known anything different.”

• Emotional Regulation. May include persistent sadness, suicidal thoughts, explosive anger, or inhibited anger.
• Consciousness. Includes forgetting traumatic events, reliving traumatic events, or having episodes in which one feels detached from one's mental processes or body (dissociation).
• Self-Perception. May include helplessness, shame, guilt, stigma, and a sense of being completely different from other human beings.
• Distorted Perceptions of the Perpetrator. Examples include attributing total power to the perpetrator, becoming preoccupied with the relationship to the perpetrator, or preoccupied with revenge.
• Relations with Others. Examples include isolation, distrust, or a repeated search for a rescuer.
• One's System of Meanings. May include a loss of sustaining faith or a sense of hopelessness and despair.

This is in addition to common PTSD symptoms. This is the end of my use of information from the web.

There is a reason I keep talking about the developmental periods of children. There is a reason this is so important. Who is judging between traumas? Between sufferings? Just a pondering. As a comparison. Someone in a car accident who gets pretty banged up but who has had a childhood of love and peace. They’re able to navigate safely through the world, their own emotions and thoughts and fresh traumas (though they may be large) are reasonably well processed and filed away in the mind. And another who experienced hell growing up, raped daily and beaten, never having developed that base of grounding in life.

Think of a soul as a cup or a well. Imagine you have this well. Now, that well, in the beginning is filled to the brim with very clear and clean water. But, as time passes, things happen to that well. People drink from it, things happen around it and things drop into it. As time passes, the water that was at first so clean, so clear becomes muddied and dirty. Now, what happens when you try to push that mud to the bottom to allot for clean water to rise to the surface? Remaining, you still have muddy water because the mud has only been pushed to the bottom of the well. It’s like having oil on the surface of a well and trying to push the oil to the bottom. No matter what you do, the oil will rise again to the top. In a similar way, the human heart is so precious, so fragile. Sometimes falling into sin is not a consciously willful choice that is thought over in a logical manner, but rather the re-emergence of the defense mechanisms we have used in childhood just to survive. “Then the Lord said to him, ‘Now then, you Pharisees clean the outside of the cup and dish, but inside you are full of greed and wickedness. You foolish people! Did not the one who made the outside make the inside also? But now as for what is inside you – be generous to the poor, and everything will be clean for you” (Luke 11:39). The human heart, everything about our bodies has an innate sense of remembering in the ways that serve it best, the trauma and pain as well as the love and joy that we have experienced. Because just like when we are cut, blood follows, emotions are natural responses to being hurt inwardly. Do not be ashamed of your feelings. Do not be ashamed to cry and to comfort each other when it is warranted. It is so important to express righteous anger in healthy ways so that your cup does not overflow. We need to learn to love ourselves. For in the expression of love for ourselves, we are able to understand the concept of unconditional love and thereby offer our love where it deserves to be. In feeling love for who we are as individuals, we are able to love God and to love others. There is a reason for everything we do.

Have you ever had the experience as a child, when you get hurt emotionally; someone insults you or betrays you, feeling that all you need to do is to cry, to release the hurt? And when you do, when you’re offered the chance to, everything seemed to return to normal and you could be happy again. As we get older, we can allow these hurts to get stuck as they accumulate. We need to release the pain and shame. And we need to replace this pain with the love that is found in the Gospel of Jesus Christ. We need to do that to make the transformation.

When we are traumatized, our ability to think clearly is sometimes hindered, often skewed. When there’s so much going on in our minds and bodies to keep our emotions and thoughts, anger and shame suppressed, there is little faculty left available for the façade that everything is alright. One of the manifestations of my own personal trauma is that of toxic shame. If you’re not familiar with the concept, essentially it is the feeling that ‘I, as a person and life force, am worthless, damaged and devalued because of things that happened to me’. This sort of reaction is often harbored in childhood because the child has either no thought faculties to process the emotions and horror of what it is experiencing, or because it has no other choice. When an adult hurts a child, it cannot process that the people caring for it (to a child, all adults are in a position of power) and upon which its life depends, are evil, because to do so, the whole world must be evil. A child is selfish, naturally and innately. When something bad happens to it, it believes that it caused it.

CPTSD is akin to a developmental disability. I do not understand social cues and etiquettes. I feel as though people are giving too much attention to who people have become and are not paying enough attention to who people have the capacity to be.

There is a concept that our identities, our core selves can be wounded deeply, by trauma or shame in early childhood. Those wounds can continue to have an influence on the direction of our lives, in our actions, beliefs, words, everything that we do and think. Trauma accumulates and shame and other negative feelings accumulate. Without healing these, replacing those voids with truth, our lives can be led by past hurts.

There are always reasons for how people are acting, however neurotic and strange they may seem. We shouldn’t mistreat people. How do you define mistreating people though? Naturally, we would assume that someone who is aggressive and who picks a fight with someone as mistreating them. Someone who threatens or puts down verbally another would be considered mistreatment. Would you define someone who walks down the street talking to themselves as mistreating others? Maybe they are having the worst day imaginable. Maybe they are even emotionally imbalanced. Maybe they do not love themselves. After all, we must love ourselves in order to be able to adhere to the Golden Rule of Loving God, Loving others as ourselves. A while ago, I walked really slowly next to an older woman with a walker, who was crossing the street slowly. I did it because I wanted to make sure that she got across the street safely. She started yelling a couple of times. The fact is that we do not know people's intentions. What we interpret as hostile could be nothing more than somebody swatting a fly away from their head.

Maybe this is just my thought. Just because someone acts contrary to what they say does not defeat the meaning of their message. To me, the value of truth is worth a lot more. Its value is in the inherent message and is not dependent upon the purveyors of its message. Truth makes everything clear. The reason I agree with you is because people’s perceptions are shaped about what people are saying through how they act. What I am saying here, in this post and in this response is that God sees the heart of people. “Do not judge by appearances, but judge with right judgment” (John 7:24). We all should strive to live our truths. We all do so and are learning to do so, through scars, and sometimes even open wounds, at our own pace. We should stop once in a while, have a look back and see how far we have come. And take a look at the good things we have done.

When we view people through a lens, we strip them of a humanity. No one is defined by happenstance things they have said or done. We must learn to separate our emotions from judgement. Our identities are so much more valuable than we believe. Just like who we are is more than what our exterior beings express of the reactions and our attitudes. The spirit and the body complement one another greatly. What we do in our spiritual lives will highly influence our physical beings. Contrarily, what we do, more so, what happens to us in our physical bodies will affect our spiritual lives. How essential it is, with this in mind, of the treatment of those developing with true love.

Why doesn’t the Spirit heal cancer? An amputated limb? The Spirit does not always heal but gives us the grace to endure. There is a need for compassion. The inside of a person's cup can be influenced by many factors. Abuse in childhood contaminates a child's cup. Did they have a choice in this?    

The test of holiness is not how we interact with the world. We are all sinners. The test of holiness is entirely the grace of God. Let love and humility and kindness and God’s grace not be contests. But yes, certainly, let holiness be a contest! We need this.

Who you are is not what you do. People have free will but not everything is beneficial to them. Wisdom is made right by all her friends

Sexuality (Updated) (Updated)

Women are beautiful. So are men. We are all beautiful.

I don’t hate women. I am just very traumatized. There are a lot of really great women out there. When truth comes out, this will make a lot more sense. I do not know how. It’s not only that. It’s that I do not feel I deserve. Every time I imagine myself happy and with someone, I feel terrible shame. And then there is the fact that there are only bad, traumatic thoughts associated with intimacy, sex and love. I experienced a kind of miracle with a certain someone years ago, which allowed my heart to open a while. But is still very overwhelming. It feels like with each relationship and friendship I develop, it gets a little bit easier. But it still feels almost catastrophic every time I meet someone new.

I am traumatized. This that hinders my true expression of my soul. Is this not what I have been saying from the start? We need to nurture our foundations. Children need love in their developments, trauma accumulates and how to heal from these repressed memories.

The fact that one of my abusers was so important to me and that she claimed I was so important to her and the fact that in spite of that she could hurt me so much, forced me to come to the generalization that all women were hurtful and trying to hurt me.

This next statement is an author note, inserted from my present perspective because I feel so badly. Women are beautiful. There is nothing wrong with the female body. I just was reacting based on the things that were done to me. Mostly, I am very ashamed of my treatment of women over the course of my life. But it was just that, an instinctive reaction. Had I have been able to tell my truth sooner in my life, I know my love for all of you would have blossomed well. I just want to say that there is nothing wrong with the female gender and God absolutely does love you all. You are beautiful to God. I felt I had to say that because of the grace shown me and my irrational yet very rational fears.

I’m scared of women. But again, I want you to know that this was a defence mechanism that my mind created in order to protect me. In order to ensure that I would never be hurt again, in my child’s mind, I lumped women together into an entity that was to be avoided because the hurt that I felt, caused by a single woman was dreadful. I want you to know I desire intimacy and connection. But most of all, I want you to know that I know that women are beautiful and worthy of respect. But there is absolutely a very good reason I have, I assure you. I hope more will be revealed to you. If it’s not, I will understand it is for the benefit of your world.

This is about people. It’s not always about men and women. It’s about love and respect. View things soberly apart from the customs of the world. Men were children too. And children can hurt. As it is written in Ecclesiastes, ‘we all were born with eternity on our hearts’. We need to seek God.

I don’t feel as though I am showing enough love in some of the Truths that I have disclosed to you. I don’t want to hurt anyone. There are too many times that I feel I have disclosed Truth in which I have been cold in its conveyance. In that vein, I feel it is necessary to address my last couple of entries. I do not hate women. Women are beautiful creatures of God and I want more than anything to show them how much I respect them. As I wrote to you, journal, some time ago in response to the entry that I reposted, I am merely frightened of them. I am avoidant because I do not want to be hurt again in an intimate way. I can speak to women for a while and even relate to them if I feel that there is no sexual threat. I would stifle myself in past, either repress completely my sexuality or counter any advances in my mind as nothing. Whenever I had a friendship with a woman in the past, I would rule out the possibility of sex very early so that the friendship could exist. Even if I was attracted. Sexual experiences and most of the time, mannerisms that had the potential to lead to sex were too traumatic for me. There were a couple of times during which I became close enough to women so that I really started to feel like love for them. In any case, I will not give up. My heart deserves love. You’d expect a police officer to understand this gender fear following abuse. Not all do though. Being a victim does not mean having a victim mentality. How very complex, the human being. I am not a fool. Nor am I trying to be mean. The fact is that I very, very much want desperately to be intimate with another human being. I want so much to feel healthy, natural love that is mutual and tender. I just wish people would understand that when I recoil from their efforts, it rarely has anything to do with the other person. A lot of the time, I feel very broken. And there are so many factors that contribute to my very rational fears. Even many of the social conventions that go along with dating, I am clueless about because most of the time, these manners are learned traits. I am not trying to feel bad about myself. I just want to explain a bit so that the people who have expressed interest in me, at a point in the past, will someday know that I did not in any manner of ways intend to hurt them. When an animal is neglected and abused for most of its life, it would take a lot of patience for it to open up. But, a lot of the time, I need to remember that I am not the only one who life affects. We are all reacting in so many ways. I have so much love in my heart and soul to offer. We all do. It just manages on life’s course, to get buried deep beneath trauma and hurt. And there is a difference between suffering and being hurt and being hateful and angry. I realize that this is my own issue and that I have to overcome it by myself. Today, I am grateful that I have been able to work through enough painful experiences that I am able to accept myself as a loving being. And I do have absolute faith that Christ can heal me. In the sense that I will overcome, I don’t expect anything from anybody. I feel as if I am improving a lot. I am not limiting myself anymore and am open to the concept of love and intimacy. I am just very faithful that whatever has to happen will happen and I will continue to have faith. Because it’s not in the times of joy, the times of blessings that faith counts as much.

Today, I am grateful for the Spirit of Easter. I am so thankful for our Lord Jesus Christ, His death, but mostly, His resurrection, which gave hope to all mankind. This season reminds me that there is still so much hope for me, God’s grace willing and that my wounds can still be healed. Years ago, I went to a support group for child sexual abuse survivors. The topic we discussed was sexuality. I found myself bitter at even the thought and announced that I had little to say on the subject. Until, the end of the meeting came and one of the facilitators asked me about my perspectives on pornography. I found myself speaking for a couple of minutes about my intense fear of women because of the nature of the relationship with the person who continually abused me in emotional and often aggressively sexual ways. Others in the group empathized but were in one way or another, more able than I, to connect with another being. Overall, a general theme that we all found it incredibly difficult to allow ourselves to be vulnerable, rang out. Most of the guys there were lucky, blessed enough to be able to form this bond with others. For me, in this session of the group, I was able to process a lot of my fears regarding women. I am avoidant because I do not want to be hurt again. It’s an instinctual fear that paralyzes me and has ruined many opportunities and relationships for me. Love heals. It absolutely does. Sometimes, a person who has been hurt really badly with love as the reason for their expressing that hurt toward that person, that person needs to be shown love. Think of a dog, beaten, abused and neglected from its very first day alive. At the sign of affection, really any sign of contact with it, it will recoil and resist, perhaps even becoming aggressive. How much more complex, the human being. I do not hate women. I am only very scared of them. Much like an abused woman will be scared of men (if her abuser is a male). Overall, I have faith in my Lord who, with faith, was able to raise the dead, heal the lame and cure the blind. And I will not give up on love. I am thankful for a God who loves me even though I was never taught how to or shown any love.

I remember reading a while ago, a book by Wendy Maltz. It was called the Sexual Healing Journey. It really resonated with me. It talked a lot about something that’s really important to me. Intimacy and sex. I have been hurt a lot in my life and I recognize that I don’t have a lot of the resources, physically, as a result of emotional panic, and emotionally because of injuries as others do. I find it really stressful to date. In the book, it spoke about something, which really captivated me. It spoke about finding a partner or friend who is willing and patient enough to take things as slow as you require. Instead of jumping into bed after the first night of knowing each other, survivors often need to hold hands first. Or something. Survivors really need to take things slowly. Otherwise, things can become really stressful for them. Thinking about this made me reflect over the first girlfriend I had. She was a beautiful, Christian girl who was extremely patient with me for some reason. We were young at the time and entering the relationship (if you want to call it that) was terribly nerve-racking for me. I remember it took me nearly a semester to be able to open up to her enough to ask to hold her hand. I even had difficulty speaking to her. Opening my heart. I remember our first kiss was on the 18^th green of the golf course I was a member at. This occasion occurred nearly a year after we started dating. I still feel like this. It is extremely stressful for me to get to know someone new. But it’s something I want, crave and need. Sometimes, all we need is to know that somebody is going to be there. Through the good times and the bad. People have had enough rejection and hurt.

This is the only reason I was able to open my heart to a friend years ago. This friend was more than patient with me. We had been friends for nearly a year. Also she expressed interest verbally. Also, she sought me. Maybe I am a little autistic. I say that humorously. But seriously. I do not understand body language. I do not understand social cues. I understand things literally.

Why do you call me a heartbreaker? My heart is very clearly broken from trusting my relationally close female abuser. I am particularly triggered by women I am attracted to.

Sexuality is a sacred theme in our world today. As it should be. Though I don’t feel we are going down the right path in terms of how we are addressing the issue, it is true that human sexuality is interwoven with our identities. What happens when a child is injured so severely in such significant ways? When a child is injured sexually, it can interrupt and interfere with their entire development. Children learn how to interact with the world from other people. Children learn about sex from other people. These traumas can influence or manipulate our sexualities, our personalities, our emotions as we age. I am not saying anyone else has experienced what I have. But this is true. In my case, my sexuality was injured from a very young age. I am not effeminate. I am not gay. I am wounded. My masculinity is wounded. My sexuality is wounded.

Just with toxic feminism, there is toxic masculinity. I feel many people recoil when I use this language. Hear me out: Toxic masculinity stems from woundedness just the same but it encompasses notions like the fact that a man must be stoic, repress his emotions and be always strong. The idea that men can never be weak is an illusion difficult to live up to. Gender roles are not as strict as tradition enforces them to be. Gender roles are vital to the family unit and are essential within a properly functioning world. But, each individual case is rarely the same. Surely, each situation deserves to be assessed for the situation itself. A man, burly though he may be and with a full beard he may have. If he has a spinal injury, no one could expect him to spend the days chopping wood. Bravery, courage, valor, being a man is all in learning to love and serve the other. The path toward this is in processing our own past wounds. Otherwise, we are stuck as our inner children in pain that was never expressed. 

The point? Men need a place to express their emotions. We’ve been conditioned to repress our emotions as they come. This is the cause for a lot of mental health problems. Men need and deserve to be vulnerable and to have their feelings justified and validated. This is learned especially in childhood, either the tendency of the child to repress or to express their feelings. This tendency is almost entirely controlled by external factors, influence of other people, role models, and authority figures. Here is wisdom: Strength is not in suppressing and covering the strings of our heart. Rather, true strength, true courage lies in the ability to be vulnerable and sincerely intimate. I hear you.

I have taken a personal vow of celibacy since 2016. I have been chaste for three years. This vocation is kind of forced upon me because of my childhood. To be honest, I am scared to death of women, especially intimacy. It is a result of being traumatized by a close female figure. Still, I have found great purpose and grace and blessing in this vocation. Because it is lived out for and in Jesus. I know if God desires for me to be blessed by affection, love, intimacy and union, what can stop His will. Until then, I am married also to Jesus. I am married to our Lady. It is not a sin to be curious. It is not a sin to admire beauty. Though, what is beautiful outside may not be beautiful inside. 

We need to see people as God sees them. Our world has been stumbled into seeing people as manifest and chosen creations of their own will. Life is less intentional than that. Even our wills are less intentional than that. Within a person, a man or a woman, there is an infinite universe of possibilities. We see on the front only what they present. And so, our judgment, while correct from a point of view, ignores this possibility of hope. Perhaps it makes more sense to illustrate this from the perspective of a child. Because it is then that hope is most evident. Still, even within a fully grown, elderly person, there is also a universe of hope. I am not talking about alternate dimensions. What I am talking about is choice. Human beings possess the infinite capacity for futures because every moment, we are presented with choice. These choices, every one influences our future, sets us into a path. This is how God sees the person. In childhood, we are presented with a choice. An unfurling of our lives is presented before us. We choose the lives we will live in childhood. This is the prime reason foundation, healthy love in childhood is so important. We learn everything about how to navigate our lives in our childhood. Sexual liberation frees up the soul. It unfurls the mystery of God's Heaven-given identity within a person. Sexual interference, on the other hand, closes the soul in fear and shame. The choices that we have made in the past build upon themselves until they have become the template for our present and future choices.

Here’s a little revelation that might upset you. Only because it is so unorthodox. The apostle Paul was very vigilant about his faith. This was the way everything had to be. As this has to be now. God is not as scared of human sexuality as many would make it seem. We, as a culture, need sexual healing. We have become so uptight and vigilant in our own traumas and unhealed hurts. We need to liberate ourselves. Before you get uptight with what I have just said, I am not calling for a sexual revolution. I am not calling for priests to marry. There is a place for those who are called to be pillars in their vocations, which are called to completely detach from the world in chastity. What I am talking about is healing our core identities through intimacy, vulnerability and passion. Sex is not an evil thing. God loves us and wants all of us to be happy. Don’t believe me? Too liberal? It’s not. Just wait.. I pray that God reveals to you what is happening in the world so that you may see why this has to be. The Apostle Paul, also like Jesus, came to set fire between the world. It had to be. God doesn’t want there to be people like me, who were so traumatized in childhood that they repress their sexuality and in turn, their God given identity. Wounded people need help to mend. The more difficulty a person is having in the world, the more wounded they are. It's not hard to see that people who have behavioural problems are very hurt. Thus, the more help they need. A wounded dog is a good analogy. How can we reintegrate these wounded animals? At first, they will bark and bite and resist. It’s with love that they come to recognize their own safety and worth. If we can do this for a dog, can we do it for people? I’m not talking about me. There are billions of people who don’t know the love of God. They don’t know the love of God because of the way that human love has been used as a weapon towards them. Billions. Even within the Church.  

God wanted me to experience love and life before my departure. I chose to suffer for His glory in my youth. I’m kind of embarrassed about what I sacrificed because I didn’t feel worthy. I never got the rehabilitation that I needed for what happened to me. What would have happened if truth about what was happening to me came out when I was a young boy, a teenager after that injury? People’s reaction would have been very different. I need to know that sexuality was not bad. I am very hurt this way. The core of my identity is really hurt by what happened to me. The way to heal this is only through passion and intimacy. Everyone has sexuality. This is the reason I keep looking at women. There is nothing evil in admiring beauty and in being curious. This is the reason, every three months, I am waken almost forcibly by sleep disturbances. I have not used porn in almost a decade. This is still the case. I am just craving passion, love so badly. My heart is bursting. I shared these experiences with past SD’s. They seem uninterested in the fact that it almost happens against my will, in sleep and each time that the Lord comes to me. There is a satanic contract over my soul that I never experience passion, which I cannot break on my own. I think you might be misunderstanding. I am not called to celibacy and chastity. Regardless, I have been living as such since I started at the religious community. Consistently, every three months, I experience these wretched sleep disturbances, which trigger me and make me feel filthy. The whole world is not called to chastity and celibacy. If this were the case, procreation would be much rarer. What is mortal sin for one person may not be as mortal for the next. All I am saying. I used to believe that the reason I couldn’t accomplish the will of God was because I did not feel worthy. Truth is, my soul is wounded. Because of what happened to my body. I need help. By the way, again, it is excommunicable for confession sin matter to be disclosed. You know I am a changed heart. Every way that I reacted I have ceased. It’s only in this special and sacred way that I need to care for.

I am beginning to see why I am so important to God the Father. Why He chooses to bless me so much. It’s because my mission literally began before my birth, in Heaven. He asked me to do this mission. He asked me to endure what I endured. The reason for the blessings are because God wants my soul so much. He knew what I would be up against, how difficult my life would be. I actually endured a crucifixion in my childhood. The Father feels responsible for my fate. This is the reason I am so important to God. I want my Father to know that I love Him. I choose Him. Still, I am going to need help.