Intention

I am sorry for how long this has gone on. I am not postponing this or withholding it. The reason for my disobedience is because my soul was wounded. In my past writings, I wrote that the reason I couldn’t accomplish God’s will sooner was because I was so hurt. I struggled to trust and even felt unworthy. While this is true. These wounds are real and deep. I have come to learn that the problem is a bit deeper.

From a physical plane, it is clear to see how wounded I am. It’s evident in the fact that my legs tremor violently every time I am frightened. It’s not as clear to see how emotionally and spiritually wounded I am. Ever since I gave my life to Christ, in baptism, I have had an internal struggle going on within myself. Because I was so wounded emotionally, I have a difficulty where I vocalize my emotions, what I am feeling and how I judge a situation. You have all heard me criticizing communism in one of these rants. Prior to my journey to the religious community, I had a lot of emotions, which I did not know what to do with or how to express properly. So, I vented. I am sure you have all seen me shouting as I walk down the street. While, this reaction has settled since my stay at the religious community, due to the healing I received there and the good examples of how men interact with conflict, I have always struggled to reconcile my faith with my emotional wounds. I struggled to reconcile my faith, which says to turn the other cheek and forgive, with my emotional wounds. It was even more confusing, I am sure not only for me, that while I was yelling down the street, I could be simultaneously offering my seat on the bus to an older person or giving money to someone on the street. These episodes were most often caused by panic attacks or flashbacks. You have to be able to acknowledge that this situation (what is happening in the world in relation to me) is entirely unpredictable. It cannot be difficult to see why this is all overwhelming and even frightening for me that everyone’s – EVERYONE’s – perceptions about me flip 180degrees every couple of hours. It’s terribly nerve racking. I always felt terribly after having one of these episodes. I have taken it to confession many times. Each time, I wondered why I was not improving. Finally, I took it to confession at my traditional parish in Ottawa. I told the priest what was happening and how I was feeling. He told me that I was inculpable and only vocalizing my thoughts. Merited, there were probably many times where there was sin in what I was doing (again, who can say they are not sinful?) what this priest said to me that day was like healing balm across the wounds of my soul.

I was meant to overcome death during the coma I was in. I spent time in The Kingdom of Heaven. I also spent time in hell. Afterwards, I spent time in Heaven again. Because I didn’t, I am still being burdened by everything I went through as a child. Because I didn’t overcome the trauma from my childhood, going into Heaven, my emotional well-being was still damaged. Some of the angels told me clearly that my emotions, my ability to feel were damaged. So going to Heaven, I didn’t experience the experiences the way that it was intended. To me, it was still burdened by the worries and anxieties in life, of which, even at the age of fifteen, I had more of than most people in life. I have been instructed, and have faith to believe that it is beneficial for me to utter this now, after so many years, because it may offer you some understanding as to why I am still having difficulties.

The reason I struggle so much, in spite of how much the Spirit is already doing for me is because of my unprocessed trauma. I made the decision to overcome this trauma at the end of my life because I feared being hurt again. Unprocessed trauma interrupts the human’s ability to be happy, creative. It’s like carrying a weight around with you, the weight proportional to the traumas you’ve endured. It’s like I have had to learn to do everything with my non-dominant hand. It’s the reason I have struggled so much in life. It’s the reason I struggled with addiction until Christ came to me. It’s the reason I got into collisions and it’s the reason I struggle in prayer. None of this is character trait. None of this is who I am. This is all a symptom of suffering. Suffering, if not endured in Christ, opens a door for the evil one and interrupts our being who God intended us to be. We all experience this on some level. I’m a prophet because of what I have endured. And, not only for the Church. I am smart enough to recognize that God doesn’t need me to speak for things to happen as they will. I’m foolish enough to want to speak anyway. The completion of my mission is not in anything I do or say. Rather it is in the truth about this. The reason I remain silent about certain things is because I want to leave it for the glory of God. I recognize that I have to be in a state of holiness. But even this is complicated and not entirely conscious. The reason I speak is because I get scared because y’all seem to forget when I don’t remind you. Ultimately, everything is for the glory of the Father and His Son, Jesus Christ. In glorifying Him, I believe I will be glorified.

I was chosen before my birth. I said yes prior to my birth. The corruptible body weighs down the incorruptible soul. I underestimated the effect of trauma on the developing body and a good Christian foundation. The trauma I endured was too much for my body. Point is, I accepted this mission in Heaven prior to my birth. The reason I cannot say yes now is because I cannot trust. I am wounded. I already possess salvation. I need help overcoming the ritual abuse. These pacts is the reason I cannot trust. Do you hear me, Christians? I need help. What would a Christian response be to hearing that a little baby was given to satan and then raped daily into his twenties? I am going to die because of the accumulation of stress and repressed emotions in my body. I cannot think of a greater reward than physical resurrection in this life. Also, do you think my sins disqualify me from being used by God? Wait for the unveiling of sins. That will happen very soon. Look, I am afraid. Satan has been trying to extinguish me since I was born. I hope there is a chance for me to be quiet. I am afraid it will happen even if I don’t want it to. You’re already proving this in your desire for me to repare for my sins. I can barely walk! Yet you want to kill me! I am terribly traumatized! Yet you want to kill me! Talking about sin, you know a nocturnal emission is not mortal sin. This is and has been what I have struggled with over the past two years. This has also been the great majority of my confession matter, which I take to confession for healing of shame. Interesting to hear different priest’s opinions about that. One priest at my church sighs and hesitates before offering me absolution. Another refuses me absolution. The other tells me sincerely that it is something that is inculpable, that is just a part of nature. My sexuality is quite wounded. It would be foolish to say that my past grievous sins were a mistake in my ministry. Most of them were commit prior to my baptism. What does a baptism mean? We know what this is all about. Bitterness. Envy. Look, I don’t know how to be quiet. You have broken into every single place I can write privately! Name of God! How can I be silent when you are in my brain?

There will be evidence of what I claim. Facts are not truth. You know this to be true simply by the accompanying signs. Honestly, I don’t know why truth is not coming in my case even while every sneeze I had in kindergarten is coming out. It seems a little absurd. Especially if what I am claiming is true. When I was in heaven, I remember the angels saying that I had to try my hardest to accomplish this before too long. Because the longer it went on, the harder it would get on me and on the world. Try hard I did. I am meant to die because of the accumulation of trauma in my body but also as a sort of sacrificial offering for this particular ubiquitous sin. Fact is I was meant to do this over a decade ago. The reason it has dragged on so long is because this contract is still in place. Again, I have heaven. I have the Spirit. But, I can’t overcome this pact myself with the emotions still trapped. I used to think the reason I could not accomplish my mission was because I couldn’t trust. Or I felt unworthy. I am beginning to see that it is because I am still held by this. God always wanted me to die a happy death. All this to say that I am not simply a bystander, sharing his opinion but not doing anything. I feel I can offer some insight into the things I know in the time that has arisen as a result of my late coming. My writings are true. Even though, at times, I regret writing some of it. God love my abusers. They are simply misguided by their own feelings and traumas. God love them. I hope to see you and rejoice with you in heaven when this world is over.

There is a lot more to this than simply my forgiveness. This is not something I am withholding from the world. I tell you I have forgiven thousands of times. This is an incredibly complex issue. I am reaching out for spiritual help. In the past, I believed I was able to handle this issue on my own. I thought I was dealing with it. I have tried approaching SD's in the past about this. They never have much to say about it. Or it's viewed with incredulity. There is a matter related to many confessions I have made over the past couple of years that I feel I have omitted. For the past ten years, I have been fairly comfortable in knowing what God's will is for me. I wrote about it. I was meant to accept the Spirit of God when He first came to me. I wasn’t able to because I was in so much pain. God didn’t give up on me. I was meant to offer my life. This was what was expected of me. Something great was to happen at my death. Please understand that from the first time I was called to have died, I have been in a battle with my body. This is why I wrote a little novella in 2012. When I returned from Florida in 2013, I drove to parks where I was in the Word for hours each day. When I returned from Iceland, I remember laying in my bed for an hour before I fell asleep, repeating over and over, ‘I am ready, Lord’. But I really wasn’t ready. And it isn’t about what you do or say. I sincerely pray that He will be glorified and that your world will find reason to rejoice. I want you to know that I have tried very hard. I have not given up hope. Actually I believe very strongly that what will happen will serve to bring more glory to God. What I am looking for guidance about is the fact that for these ten years, Jesus visits me. He has told me a lot. I am not trying to prove these locutions. In time, people will know. A common word in each vision is that He asks me to open my heart. There is a whole story behind this. In the past, when I have heard this, I have stayed up in prayer these nights. Almost every time these visions happen, without fail, I wake up from deep sleep and disturbed by inculpable sin or I wake and, in my sleep, I am sinning. Once, I woke after experiencing the voice of Jesus and next to me, on my night stand, was placed my little Cross on a rope necklace. My pants were off (I had gone to bed with them on) and folded up and placed at the end of my bed. It is forced and not conscious on my part. For me, I have been chastely celibate for almost four years. The reason I understand that I am having difficulty surrendering to Jesus and His will for me is because of my relationship with my abusers. Maybe it’s connected to the activity of my infancy. I am having such difficulty trusting God because in my developmental years, I got the image in my mind that God did not have my best interest at heart. I’ve been praying six rosaries a day and keep up two novenas at a time. Have tried praying the surrender novena a lot. This is about more than my simple forgiveness.

I know you are testing me. I don’t need to be tested. I know for your sake, this is the right thing to do. I respect this. I know it must be frustrating that you’re not getting the results you are expecting. Or rather hoping for. This will happen. And there are reasons I find it difficult to conform to this world. What I need is the love I never received as a child. When Christ came to me, I was a mess, emotionally, physically and spiritually. I still struggle. But I think I really owe it to myself to stop, look backwards and see just how far I have come. I need to stop feeling badly about who I am. I need to stop seeing everything that is bad and negative about me. I need to recognize that I am a child of God. And that that is paramount to any despair, any trauma and any failure I could have. God fills the gap. I want this. I want to live and love. I don’t know how to. I am learning. And I am fighting so darned hard for the life that I know I deserve. I don’t need love as a reward for something I’ve done or said. I don’t even need reciprocal love. What I need, what I crave is unconditional love. There is only one place from which to get that. What I need is for truth to come out about this. I will be at peace. But because of the nature of my experiences, I need to understand human love in addition to divine love.

I did not want vengeance. I want truth to come out. The circumstances that arise as a result of truth coming out are not my business. I have tried a lot to encourage people that you will rejoice when truth comes out. Without truth, I can forgive. There cannot be true healing without truth. I have no intention of hurting my abusers. Or anyone else for that matter. All I have ever wanted is for the truth to come out. I want truth to come out because of what it means for the world. Still, I wonder why someone might actually want to resist my message. What would be the motivation for not wanting it to be true? It may be private revelation. Bur can you really not see how glorious a revelation it is? It will be a new era of justice, peace, love and hope! When truth comes, you will know that it’s true.

I suffered the worst darkness you could possibly imagine, for God, in God. You will see. This is not favoritism. I am no better than any one of you. I am a terrible sinner. My story is still being revealed to me, unveiling before my eyes. It feels like I didn’t even really start healing until I unearthed certain elements of my story. I will not waste words. I’m sorry if I traumatized anyone in reading my writings about my life. It was hard to get through, I imagine. I am not trumping trauma. I have healed past the point where I have to prove that my trauma is worse than everybody else’s. This is really an indicator that a person has only begun their healing. My previous writings sugarcoat what I really endured. There is a type of evil that is in the world is not really fathomable to most people’s imaginations. My identity split. Many times. To cope with very systematic and targeted traumas throughout my childhood. It began for me, even the rituals, when I was only an infant. You would not believe what happened if I were to tell you. The good human imagination will not even go there. It will all be revealed after my passing. This, though veiled with unspecific language, is the reason why I cannot accept the fullness of the healing of the Holy Ghost now. I cannot accept the fullness of His love because of the ritual traumatic programming. I need help. Christians, I need your help. This is why God blesses me so much. This is why God loves me so much. I endured this in my infancy for Him. Really, it was something I endured for a very long time. Do you think the rituals and programming stopped after I grew up? My handlers were still programming me as long as I was around them. Crazy? Me? How is your memory? This is very real, in spite of the mind’s best attempts to guard against it. I have been through a lot of healing resources. It makes me think I have entered a video game. Some of it is so absurd it’s hard to believe it’s real for me. Jesus can heal me. Jesus will heal me. I need help. Jesus, save me.

If it were for the good of world that I be a simple pilgrim for the next decade, you wouldn’t have the craving to spy on me in my bedroom. You wouldn’t have the craving to hear about even my minor sins. No, you are only looking to humiliate me. May the Lord bless you. And keep you. Make His face shine upon you and be gracious to you. The Lord bless you and keep you and give you peace. You need really, laity to ask one question. Why are people (even in the Church) fighting so hard to censor truth? Again, if it were for my own good, for the good of the world, you wouldn’t have to spy on every single thing I do. Ask the question. Christians, I need your help. Christians, I need your help.

You can tell me to get a job. Nobody will really give me a job. I cannot even get factory work. I am not complaining. This all has a very specific end. I am worried about that end. Because what begins in envy is not of God. Any money I have made from my books has all been robbed. Somebody is preventing my new literature from being published. I am not accusing anyone. I am learning to accept the fact that every new individual I encounter believes me to be the worst things a human can possibly be because of the mistakes of my childhood. You think I don't deserve God's blessings because of my sins. I was not raised Christian. Also, wait for the big unveiling. There's a skeleton in everybody's closet. ;) Actually, in spite of this roadblock, I have gone far in writing very epic pieces of literature and creating a small business of my own. What can I say? What’s to be done? I am against a terribly large wall.

God showed me an amazingly beautiful revelation last night regarding myself. He showed me the state of my soul when I entered the world. I am ashamed to say that for decades, I viewed myself even with my intentions of entering the world as bad. God gave me such a beautiful grace in showing me the fact that almost everything I believed about myself that was negative was a lie. All of this to say, I was a perfect and beautiful child when I entered this world. Like every child.

It was wrong of you to record my deliverance session. It’s wrong of you to record my confessions and spiritual directions. Even I recognize that this is not a problem on the level of the priesthood. With something as vulnerable and specific as a deliverance session, you should know that there is a lot more to the story than what was said in that. Sometimes, even the hardest situations merit the most empathy and compassion. I have said all of this before. I deserve this for my sins. But what you have planned is wrong morally. You are listening to a single interview I gave in an extremely private and vulnerable setting. You are listening to a prophecy that was written for another time. The only person you are not listening to is me. I think it’s clear why.

The reason it was wrong of you to record my deliverance session is the same reason it is always wrong to record confessions. I believe it is excommunicable. The fact is that I made myself vulnerable. The decision I made when I was young, I confessed in past writings. Still, it was a decision that I had made when I was very young. Very wounded. Emotionally as well as physically. I was not Christian. I pray that my heart has changed well. I have been to confession countless times about this particular issue. It happened decade prior to my baptism. Check the audio files in my archive. ;) Again, I don’t have a light switch on my life. This is not something that can be forced. Again, I need the love I never received as a child. This is the reason I am unable to accomplish God’s will.

I am not complaining. I am telling my truth. Truth feels like the only thing preventing people from hurting me. Truth is the only leverage I have keeping me safe. This is the reason I keep saying things to random people. I am frightened that you will hurt me further. Truth is the only thing preventing that from happening. If it is a sad, disgusting story, I don’t know what to tell you. If you don’t want to hear it, I don’t know what to tell you. This is my story.

You have to only ask yourself how Christian and based in charity this decision is. On the contrary, it seems remarkably cruel. It is not a wonder that they want to silence me considering what I have against them. Listen to me very carefully, I am not a threat to your power. What I endured as a child, I endured because God asked me to. I am who God says I am. Before I was born, God appointed me and chose me to be His servant. My experiences of Heaven began before my birth. At least now we know why God blesses me so much. It is not Christian to try to hurt someone. It is not Christian to provoke bad in someone to justify even worse behavior. I wonder how a true Christian would react to hearing that an infant was sold and ransomed by evil people to satan? That child having grown, who now lives a righteous life and seeks simply to be consecrated to God. He has eternal life because of the work that he has done. He has been trying so hard to rid himself of this weight. Seems like whatever he does, he cannot shake the pact of sorrow. He learns that he cannot help himself. Is the true Christian’s response going to be to help this child or provoke this terrible curse placed on him in infancy? I was an infant. This was these people’s choice. Not mine. Who is deceived? The one who stands firm to the message of Christ as He instructed and which has been this way for 2000 years? Or is the one who is deceived and who is deceiving the one who is trying to compromise Truth of the Faith with modernism and communism? Two of the biggest heresies of the past. I do not speak heresy. I speak what is common sense. Modernism, communism in the church? If you feel I need to be tested, if you feel I need to make reparation for my sin, I will submit. To me, it seems unbelievably cruel and heartless. Truth is far more valuable than the actions of any person. Truth is unoffendable, uncancellable and unphased by things that happen around it. Truth is truth regardless of whether people subscribe to it or not.

Have had a realization lately. Not to bore you with details but I have realized that I am split personality. I have DID. I am self-diagnosing, yes. First of all, I don’t trust the doctors to tell me the truth about much. Secondly, you know when you know. It explains an awful lot. Including things that are unexplainable in other conditions. DID incorporates cPTSD. It explains the amnesia over most of my life. Forgetting how I did things, ever having conversations, friendships, entire years passed. It explains the different personalities I possess. It is caused by ritual abuse. It’s about more than labels. Because I have been forced into passivity and submission by people when they abuse me, I have a lot of unsaid feelings and emotions. I asked one of my alters recently what I could do to help him. He responded that I should take assertiveness lessons. This made a lot click for me. Realizing that my childhood and the abuse I took then has made me passive and weak. Ironically, it also seems to have made me target for bullies all throughout my life. Learning about assertiveness has opened my eyes a lot. I firmly stand by the fact that the reason I don’t stand up for myself is because God Himself is going to stand up for me. God has His justice. And He will stand up for me personally. Publicly. Soon. But the fact is that, I have a voice. And I owe it to myself to use it. I really believe that God would rather protect a child from enduring the worst horrors than have him endure them for the sake of forgiving later. Our God is a good God. He wants us to be happy. Suffering is not the natural state of things. Nor does God even want us to suffer. He gives us grace and makes His glory abound even more in our suffering. Because He is able to make the best of even the worst. You need to know that God is not a masochist. What has gotten this idea into the Christian mind? Listen, God wants our happiness. Name of God! That I even have to say this. Where are your experts? The saints are wonderful examples of piety. They are examples of ideal faith and holiness. But the lives they lived, do you really think that God would not have spared them from their anguish were He able? It is splendidly true that faith grows exponentially stronger in suffering. Suffering purifies us, in a sense. But it is not the natural state of things. I know that God only wishes that we would come to know Him and His love without ever having to suffer. The only thing God ever asked of me in my childhood was to tell the truth about what was happened to me. God resented that my abusers were doing these things to me. He hated seeing it. He will show you this behavior is unacceptable.

Regardless of the past, I like my life. I like myself. I love myself. I only want to be happy. I wish I had my wife with me. It seems at every step, I am deprived of good things everywhere. I thought that revealing my identity and what I have endured would help the world. I thought it would help you to be compassionate and understanding. For a time, it did. You surprised me with your goodness. I never anticipated it would come to this. World, remember goodness. Remember compassion. Don't let your hearts grow cold. I should have trusted God from the beginning. I wish I knew how. Christians, once more, I need your help. This will not stop at simple feelings of jealousy. One needs to ask themselves from where this jealousy has its roots. From where is it originating? 

God loves you. We have a God who cares infinitely about every human being on this planet. He was the one who crafted you in your ma's womb. He is the one who gave you your beautiful eyes, your conscience and your feelings. He has created you with an infinite array of choices and possibilities. Your future is never set. It is guided. By Him. But we make the choice. Choose love, friends. Choose love.

First, clean the inside of the cup.

There’s all sorts of trauma in the world. There is a lot of literature written towards traumatic reaction obtained through a single event. It is different from complex trauma that extends for years and where there is little chance of escape. Early trauma hardwires our nervous systems for stress. Trauma accumulates. When our foundations are wrought with unprocessed injustice and feelings, this makes it more difficult to deal with injustices later. When our foundations are wrought with unprocessed trauma and feelings, this makes it more difficult to deal with everything that happens to confront us. It is when we have been able to process this trauma and injustice that great things are in sight.

The link at which the following information was posted was deleted. Just for people to know, I got these symptoms and definition from the web. Though it was years ago, I got the information from the web. The information is as good and valid now as it was years ago.

“Complex PTSD is the result of prolonged, repeated trauma - usually in childhood such as growing up in an abusive family, as opposed to trauma that occurs from an event. Those who experience an event, like a combat vet who deploys long after their personality has fully formed, remember what they were like before the trauma and wish they could be that person again. With complex trauma the personality is (usually) formed in trauma and they’ve never known anything different.”

• Emotional Regulation. May include persistent sadness, suicidal thoughts, explosive anger, or inhibited anger.
• Consciousness. Includes forgetting traumatic events, reliving traumatic events, or having episodes in which one feels detached from one's mental processes or body (dissociation).
• Self-Perception. May include helplessness, shame, guilt, stigma, and a sense of being completely different from other human beings.
• Distorted Perceptions of the Perpetrator. Examples include attributing total power to the perpetrator, becoming preoccupied with the relationship to the perpetrator, or preoccupied with revenge.
• Relations with Others. Examples include isolation, distrust, or a repeated search for a rescuer.
• One's System of Meanings. May include a loss of sustaining faith or a sense of hopelessness and despair.

This is in addition to common PTSD symptoms. This is the end of my use of information from the web.

There is a reason I keep talking about the developmental periods of children. There is a reason this is so important. Who is judging between traumas? Between sufferings? Just a pondering. As a comparison. Someone in a car accident who gets pretty banged up but who has had a childhood of love and peace. They’re able to navigate safely through the world, their own emotions and thoughts and fresh traumas (though they may be large) are reasonably well processed and filed away in the mind. And another who experienced hell growing up, raped daily and beaten, never having developed that base of grounding in life.

Think of a soul as a cup or a well. Imagine you have this well. Now, that well, in the beginning is filled to the brim with very clear and clean water. But, as time passes, things happen to that well. People drink from it, things happen around it and things drop into it. As time passes, the water that was at first so clean, so clear becomes muddied and dirty. Now, what happens when you try to push that mud to the bottom to allot for clean water to rise to the surface? Remaining, you still have muddy water because the mud has only been pushed to the bottom of the well. It’s like having oil on the surface of a well and trying to push the oil to the bottom. No matter what you do, the oil will rise again to the top. In a similar way, the human heart is so precious, so fragile. Sometimes falling into sin is not a consciously willful choice that is thought over in a logical manner, but rather the re-emergence of the defense mechanisms we have used in childhood just to survive. “Then the Lord said to him, ‘Now then, you Pharisees clean the outside of the cup and dish, but inside you are full of greed and wickedness. You foolish people! Did not the one who made the outside make the inside also? But now as for what is inside you – be generous to the poor, and everything will be clean for you” (Luke 11:39). The human heart, everything about our bodies has an innate sense of remembering in the ways that serve it best, the trauma and pain as well as the love and joy that we have experienced. Because just like when we are cut, blood follows, emotions are natural responses to being hurt inwardly. Do not be ashamed of your feelings. Do not be ashamed to cry and to comfort each other when it is warranted. It is so important to express righteous anger in healthy ways so that your cup does not overflow. We need to learn to love ourselves. For in the expression of love for ourselves, we are able to understand the concept of unconditional love and thereby offer our love where it deserves to be. In feeling love for who we are as individuals, we are able to love God and to love others. There is a reason for everything we do.

Have you ever had the experience as a child, when you get hurt emotionally; someone insults you or betrays you, feeling that all you need to do is to cry, to release the hurt? And when you do, when you’re offered the chance to, everything seemed to return to normal and you could be happy again. As we get older, we can allow these hurts to get stuck as they accumulate. We need to release the pain and shame. And we need to replace this pain with the love that is found in the Gospel of Jesus Christ. We need to do that to make the transformation.

When we are traumatized, our ability to think clearly is sometimes hindered, often skewed. When there’s so much going on in our minds and bodies to keep our emotions and thoughts, anger and shame suppressed, there is little faculty left available for the façade that everything is alright. One of the manifestations of my own personal trauma is that of toxic shame. If you’re not familiar with the concept, essentially it is the feeling that ‘I, as a person and life force, am worthless, damaged and devalued because of things that happened to me’. This sort of reaction is often harbored in childhood because the child has either no thought faculties to process the emotions and horror of what it is experiencing, or because it has no other choice. When an adult hurts a child, it cannot process that the people caring for it (to a child, all adults are in a position of power) and upon which its life depends, are evil, because to do so, the whole world must be evil. A child is selfish, naturally and innately. When something bad happens to it, it believes that it caused it.

CPTSD is akin to a developmental disability. I do not understand social cues and etiquettes. I feel as though people are giving too much attention to who people have become and are not paying enough attention to who people have the capacity to be.

There is a concept that our identities, our core selves can be wounded deeply, by trauma or shame in early childhood. Those wounds can continue to have an influence on the direction of our lives, in our actions, beliefs, words, everything that we do and think. Trauma accumulates and shame and other negative feelings accumulate. Without healing these, replacing those voids with truth, our lives can be led by past hurts.

There are always reasons for how people are acting, however neurotic and strange they may seem. We shouldn’t mistreat people. How do you define mistreating people though? Naturally, we would assume that someone who is aggressive and who picks a fight with someone as mistreating them. Someone who threatens or puts down verbally another would be considered mistreatment. Would you define someone who walks down the street talking to themselves as mistreating others? Maybe they are having the worst day imaginable. Maybe they are even emotionally imbalanced. Maybe they do not love themselves. After all, we must love ourselves in order to be able to adhere to the Golden Rule of Loving God, Loving others as ourselves. A while ago, I walked really slowly next to an older woman with a walker, who was crossing the street slowly. I did it because I wanted to make sure that she got across the street safely. She started yelling a couple of times. The fact is that we do not know people's intentions. What we interpret as hostile could be nothing more than somebody swatting a fly away from their head.

Maybe this is just my thought. Just because someone acts contrary to what they say does not defeat the meaning of their message. To me, the value of truth is worth a lot more. Its value is in the inherent message and is not dependent upon the purveyors of its message. Truth makes everything clear. The reason I agree with you is because people’s perceptions are shaped about what people are saying through how they act. What I am saying here, in this post and in this response is that God sees the heart of people. “Do not judge by appearances, but judge with right judgment” (John 7:24). We all should strive to live our truths. We all do so and are learning to do so, through scars, and sometimes even open wounds, at our own pace. We should stop once in a while, have a look back and see how far we have come. And take a look at the good things we have done.

When we view people through a lens, we strip them of a humanity. No one is defined by happenstance things they have said or done. We must learn to separate our emotions from judgement. Our identities are so much more valuable than we believe. Just like who we are is more than what our exterior beings express of the reactions and our attitudes. The spirit and the body complement one another greatly. What we do in our spiritual lives will highly influence our physical beings. Contrarily, what we do, more so, what happens to us in our physical bodies will affect our spiritual lives. How essential it is, with this in mind, of the treatment of those developing with true love.

Why doesn’t the Spirit heal cancer? An amputated limb? The Spirit does not always heal but gives us the grace to endure. There is a need for compassion. The inside of a person's cup can be influenced by many factors. Abuse in childhood contaminates a child's cup. Did they have a choice in this?    

The test of holiness is not how we interact with the world. We are all sinners. The test of holiness is entirely the grace of God. Let love and humility and kindness and God’s grace not be contests. But yes, certainly, let holiness be a contest! We need this.

Who you are is not what you do. People have free will but not everything is beneficial to them. Wisdom is made right by all her friends

Anger? Righteous anger? What's the difference?

 

These are my personal reflections. The ideas are not new but my thoughts are original.

Again, anger, if focused well gives the bearer of this emotion the grace of healing. Anger in of itself is not an evil emotion. It can be utilized in sinful ways but the emotion is a very natural response. It tells us when our boundaries are being infringed upon. When we are experiencing an injustice. This is the key for survivors of childhood trauma, particularly sexual abuse in childhood. Because of the secrecy involved with the crime and the methods of shame employed in silencing, much of the time the emotions, which are nurtured as a result of these ‘crimes’ people cannot immediately express and process. Therefore, these emotions become trapped within the body. In so, the memories become repressed. Thereby, our memories, our emotions are trapped. These emotions, these memories, though we do not remember them, will still have a weighty influence on our behavior, our attitude, our beliefs. I would even venture to say that people who were not abused as children (if it were at all possible) are impacted by this effect of shaming as well. Everybody has a little repressed anger. The degree of anger we experience will be proportional to the amount of injustice we have experienced. So, how do we heal? It is a process. I have to admit, for years I believed that it was a lifelong journey to healing. It’s not. It truly is not. Jesus can provide the healing, as quickly as the blink of an eye. But. We have to heal these memories, particularly the emotions that are trapped. Otherwise, we are like little children led by Jesus. Yes, we are led by Jesus. But our true selves are still hindered. Our actions still guided, in small part, by the accumulation of emotion in our own body. Our bodies are leading us, by the accumulation of emotion within. As opposed to our spirits leading our bodies. Yes, we need express our anger. There are healthy outlets for our anger. Some draw. Some paint. Others jog. Even others box in a ring. These are all healthy outlets. As a matter of fact, this is most often an extremely integral piece of the puzzle. Before survivors realize about their abuse, some are lethargic, others have unexplained physical problems. These realizations of what they have endured give them an infuriating sense of drive and a passion for themselves. A passion to care for themselves and to improve their own life. They see, for the first time, the love they were deprived of and the effect of the abuse and they say, ‘hey, you cannot do that to me! I am alive and I am not going to let you hurt me.’ It is extremely empowering to receive these memories. As traumatic as they are. It is a great mercy. For many survivors, it offers a reason to live. A reason to fight. The point is: anger is essential to healing. It gives us the will to fight. To make change. Anger helps us to have a look at our situation with clarity. And indeed, righteous anger very much improves focus and clarity. Sometimes for the first time. No, my friends. Anger is not a sin. When I first realized what happened to me, I became incensed. I wondered at how an adult could do that to a child. I wondered at them. I remember screaming for hours. Placing an empty chair in the middle of a room and screaming at it. Writing letters of confrontation to my abusers, which I never sent and burned. It wasn’t until I finished my first phase at the place of healing that I was given the great grace to participate in, when Jesus found me that I began to heal. I was so wounded. I was very angry. I am grateful I was healthy enough to restrain my anger. Even still, in spite of this anger, the secrecy and shame in my case ran so deeply that I still felt the obligation to protect them. When I began healing, I began to see my abusers as more than simply what they had done to me. I began to see them through a bigger lens. And especially, I began to wonder, quite probably, at what they themselves must have endured to think it was normal. After a while, I started to fast. To work out. I ate simply vegetables and water. I was reading the Bible hours a day. Then I started having realizations about how I, myself have affected others in my life. All of the sudden my rhetorical question of how could an adult do that to another person, came tumbling down and became unrhetorical. This, my friends, is a mercy. It is indeed a mercy to have the knowledge within of knowing your potential to hurt and be hurt. It is blinding to live thinking your actions have no effect on people. For me, my anger was not really healed until I spent two years at a Catholic community. I haven’t made this connection until now. I am realizing that I needed healthy examples of true masculinity and love. Wow. It makes me weep. Most of the people I knew growing up were incredibly explosive and unpredictable. But, in this, this realization that I was capable and had done, of hurting others, put my life into perspective. In this, is a great missing part, an integral part of the puzzle of our humanity. Meditate on this. Anyways, anger can be incredibly productive, incredibly healing and incredibly empowering. It is such a powerful force. Having the capability to create a passion for life within us that builds empires. Or it has the capability, if repressed, if undealt with, to give us arthritis. To give us asthma, cancer, ulcers. Mental health. Anger is the key. This is not new. Common sense is rarely learned in a book. For me, this is like learning spelling in kindergarten. I can say it all I want. I have never had the opportunity to express the repressed emotions in my body. Like I said, without truth, I can forgive. I cannot heal. Truth is also an integral part of healing. But not necessary in all cases. You see the change in me. You see how I have dropped almost simultaneously and immediately every single coping mechanism I developed that was sinful. I trust in Jesus and cast upon Him every emotion in my body. If anything, I want you, my survivor brothers and sisters (the world) to know that healing is most certainly possible. It is certainly and most wonderfully attainable. Jesus gives that power. Jesus is the final key. If you are willing, open your hearts to Jesus.