I am sorry for how long this has gone on. I am not postponing this or withholding it. The reason for my disobedience is because my soul was wounded. In my past writings, I wrote that the reason I couldn’t accomplish God’s will sooner was because I was so hurt. I struggled to trust and even felt unworthy. While this is true. These wounds are real and deep. I have come to learn that the problem is a bit deeper.
From a
physical plane, it is clear to see how wounded I am. It’s evident in the fact
that my legs tremor violently every time I am frightened. It’s not as clear to
see how emotionally and spiritually wounded I am. Ever since I gave my life to
Christ, in baptism, I have had an internal struggle going on within myself.
Because I was so wounded emotionally, I have a difficulty where I vocalize my
emotions, what I am feeling and how I judge a situation. You have all heard me
criticizing communism in one of these rants. Prior to my journey to the
religious community, I had a lot of emotions, which I did not know what to do
with or how to express properly. So, I vented. I am sure you have all seen me
shouting as I walk down the street. While, this reaction has settled since my
stay at the religious community, due to the healing I received there and the
good examples of how men interact with conflict, I have always struggled to
reconcile my faith with my emotional wounds. I struggled to reconcile my faith,
which says to turn the other cheek and forgive, with my emotional wounds. It
was even more confusing, I am sure not only for me, that while I was yelling
down the street, I could be simultaneously offering my seat on the bus to an
older person or giving money to someone on the street. These episodes were most
often caused by panic attacks or flashbacks. You have to be able to acknowledge
that this situation (what is happening in the world in relation to me) is
entirely unpredictable. It cannot be difficult to see why this is all
overwhelming and even frightening for me that everyone’s – EVERYONE’s –
perceptions about me flip 180degrees every couple of hours. It’s terribly nerve
racking. I always felt terribly after having one of these episodes. I have
taken it to confession many times. Each time, I wondered why I was not
improving. Finally, I took it to confession at my traditional parish in Ottawa.
I told the priest what was happening and how I was feeling. He told me that I
was inculpable and only vocalizing my thoughts. Merited, there were probably
many times where there was sin in what I was doing (again, who can say they are
not sinful?) what this priest said to me that day was like healing balm across
the wounds of my soul.
I was meant to
overcome death during the coma I was in. I spent time in The Kingdom of Heaven.
I also spent time in hell. Afterwards, I spent time in Heaven again. Because I
didn’t, I am still being burdened by everything I went through as a child.
Because I didn’t overcome the trauma from my childhood, going into Heaven, my
emotional well-being was still damaged. Some of the angels told me clearly that
my emotions, my ability to feel were damaged. So going to Heaven, I didn’t
experience the experiences the way that it was intended. To me, it was still
burdened by the worries and anxieties in life, of which, even at the age of
fifteen, I had more of than most people in life. I have been instructed, and
have faith to believe that it is beneficial for me to utter this now, after so
many years, because it may offer you some understanding as to why I am still
having difficulties.
The reason I struggle so much, in spite of how much the
Spirit is already doing for me is because of my unprocessed trauma. I made the
decision to overcome this trauma at the end of my life because I feared being
hurt again. Unprocessed trauma interrupts the human’s ability to be happy,
creative. It’s like carrying a weight around with you, the weight proportional
to the traumas you’ve endured. It’s like I have had to learn to do everything
with my non-dominant hand. It’s the reason I have struggled so much in life.
It’s the reason I struggled with addiction until Christ came to me. It’s the
reason I got into collisions and it’s the reason I struggle in prayer. None of
this is character trait. None of this is who I am. This is all a symptom of
suffering. Suffering, if not endured in Christ, opens a door for the evil one
and interrupts our being who God intended us to be. We all experience this on
some level. I’m a prophet because of what I have endured. And, not only for the
Church. I am smart enough to recognize that God doesn’t need me to speak for
things to happen as they will. I’m foolish enough to want to speak anyway. The
completion of my mission is not in anything I do or say. Rather it is in the
truth about this. The reason I remain silent about certain things is because I
want to leave it for the glory of God. I recognize that I have to be in a state
of holiness. But even this is complicated and not entirely conscious. The
reason I speak is because I get scared because y’all seem to forget when I
don’t remind you. Ultimately, everything is for the glory of the Father and His
Son, Jesus Christ. In glorifying Him, I believe I will be glorified.
I was chosen before my birth. I said yes prior to my birth.
The corruptible body weighs down the incorruptible soul. I underestimated the
effect of trauma on the developing body and a good Christian foundation. The
trauma I endured was too much for my body. Point is, I accepted this mission in
Heaven prior to my birth. The reason I cannot say yes now is because I cannot
trust. I am wounded. I already possess salvation. I need help overcoming the
ritual abuse. These pacts is the reason I cannot trust. Do you hear me,
Christians? I need help. What would a Christian response be to hearing that a
little baby was given to satan and then raped daily into his twenties? I am
going to die because of the accumulation of stress and repressed emotions in my
body. I cannot think of a greater reward than physical resurrection in this
life. Also, do you think my sins disqualify me from being used by God? Wait for
the unveiling of sins. That will happen very soon. Look, I am afraid. Satan has
been trying to extinguish me since I was born. I hope there is a chance for me
to be quiet. I am afraid it will happen even if I don’t want it to. You’re
already proving this in your desire for me to repare for my sins. I can barely
walk! Yet you want to kill me! I am terribly traumatized! Yet you want to kill
me! Talking about sin, you know a nocturnal emission is not mortal sin. This is
and has been what I have struggled with over the past two years. This has also
been the great majority of my confession matter, which I take to confession for
healing of shame. Interesting to hear different priest’s opinions about that.
One priest at my church sighs and hesitates before offering me absolution.
Another refuses me absolution. The other tells me sincerely that it is
something that is inculpable, that is just a part of nature. My sexuality is
quite wounded. It would be foolish to say that my past grievous sins were a
mistake in my ministry. Most of them were commit prior to my baptism. What does
a baptism mean? We know what this is all about. Bitterness. Envy. Look, I don’t
know how to be quiet. You have broken into every single place I can write
privately! Name of God! How can I be silent when you are in my brain?
There will be evidence of what I claim. Facts are not truth.
You know this to be true simply by the accompanying signs. Honestly, I don’t
know why truth is not coming in my case even while every sneeze I had in
kindergarten is coming out. It seems a little absurd. Especially if what I am
claiming is true. When I was in heaven, I remember the angels saying that I had
to try my hardest to accomplish this before too long. Because the longer it
went on, the harder it would get on me and on the world. Try hard I did. I am
meant to die because of the accumulation of trauma in my body but also as a
sort of sacrificial offering for this particular ubiquitous sin. Fact is I was
meant to do this over a decade ago. The reason it has dragged on so long is
because this contract is still in place. Again, I have heaven. I have the
Spirit. But, I can’t overcome this pact myself with the emotions still trapped.
I used to think the reason I could not accomplish my mission was because I
couldn’t trust. Or I felt unworthy. I am beginning to see that it is because I
am still held by this. God always wanted me to die a happy death. All this to
say that I am not simply a bystander, sharing his opinion but not doing
anything. I feel I can offer some insight into the things I know in the time
that has arisen as a result of my late coming. My writings are true. Even
though, at times, I regret writing some of it. God love my abusers. They are
simply misguided by their own feelings and traumas. God love them. I hope to
see you and rejoice with you in heaven when this world is over.
There is a
lot more to this than simply my forgiveness. This is not something I am
withholding from the world. I tell you I have forgiven thousands of times. This
is an incredibly complex issue. I am reaching out for spiritual help. In
the past, I believed I was able to handle this issue on my own. I thought I was
dealing with it. I have tried approaching SD's in the past about this. They
never have much to say about it. Or it's viewed with incredulity. There is a
matter related to many confessions I have made over the past couple of years
that I feel I have omitted. For the past ten years, I have been fairly
comfortable in knowing what God's will is for me. I wrote about it. I was meant
to accept the Spirit of God when He first came to me. I wasn’t able to because
I was in so much pain. God didn’t give up on me. I was meant to offer my life. This was
what was expected of me. Something great was to happen at my death. Please
understand that from the first time I was called to have died, I have been in a
battle with my body. This is why I wrote a little novella in 2012.
When I returned from Florida in 2013, I drove to parks where I was in the Word
for hours each day. When I returned from Iceland, I remember laying in my bed
for an hour before I fell asleep, repeating over and over, ‘I am ready, Lord’.
But I really wasn’t ready. And it isn’t about what you do or say. I sincerely pray that He will be glorified
and that your world will find reason to rejoice. I want you to know that I have
tried very hard. I have not given up hope. Actually I believe very strongly
that what will happen will serve to bring more glory to God. What I am looking
for guidance about is the fact that for these ten years, Jesus visits me. He
has told me a lot. I am not trying to prove these locutions. In time, people
will know. A common word in each vision is that He asks me to open my heart.
There is a whole story behind this. In the past, when I have heard this, I have
stayed up in prayer these nights. Almost every time these visions happen, without
fail, I wake up from deep sleep and disturbed by inculpable sin or I wake and, in
my sleep, I am sinning. Once, I woke after experiencing the voice of Jesus
and next to me, on my night stand, was placed my little Cross on a rope
necklace. My pants were off (I had gone to bed with them on) and folded up and
placed at the end of my bed. It is forced and not conscious on my part. For me,
I have been chastely celibate for almost four years. The reason I understand
that I am having difficulty surrendering to Jesus and His will for me is
because of my relationship with my abusers. Maybe it’s connected to the
activity of my infancy. I am having such difficulty trusting God because in my
developmental years, I got the image in my mind that God did not have my best
interest at heart. I’ve been praying six rosaries a day and keep up two novenas
at a time. Have tried praying the surrender novena a lot. This is about more
than my simple forgiveness.
I know you are testing me. I don’t need to be tested. I know
for your sake, this is the right thing to do. I respect this. I know it must be
frustrating that you’re not getting the results you are expecting. Or rather
hoping for. This will happen. And there are reasons I find it difficult to
conform to this world. What I need is the love I never received as a child.
When Christ came to me, I was a mess, emotionally, physically and spiritually.
I still struggle. But I think I really owe it to myself to stop, look backwards
and see just how far I have come. I need to stop feeling badly about who I am.
I need to stop seeing everything that is bad and negative about me. I need to
recognize that I am a child of God. And that that is paramount to any despair,
any trauma and any failure I could have. God fills the gap. I want this. I want
to live and love. I don’t know how to. I am learning. And I am fighting so
darned hard for the life that I know I deserve. I don’t need love as a reward
for something I’ve done or said. I don’t even need reciprocal love. What I
need, what I crave is unconditional love. There is only one place
from which to get that. What I need is for truth to come out about this. I will
be at peace. But because of
the nature of my experiences, I need to understand human love in addition to
divine love.
I did not want vengeance. I want truth to come out. The
circumstances that arise as a result of truth coming out are not my business. I
have tried a lot to encourage people that you will rejoice when truth comes
out. Without truth, I can forgive. There cannot be true healing without truth.
I have no intention of hurting my abusers. Or anyone else for that matter. All
I have ever wanted is for the truth to come out. I want truth to come out
because of what it means for the world. Still, I wonder why someone might actually want to resist my message.
What would be the motivation for not wanting it to be true? It may be private
revelation. Bur can you really not see how glorious a revelation it is? It will
be a new era of justice, peace, love and hope! When truth comes, you will know
that it’s true.
I suffered the worst darkness you could possibly imagine,
for God, in God. You will see. This is not favoritism. I am no better than any
one of you. I am a terrible sinner. My story is still being revealed to me, unveiling before my eyes. It
feels like I didn’t even really start healing until I unearthed certain
elements of my story. I will not waste words. I’m sorry if I traumatized anyone
in reading my writings about my life. It was hard to get through, I imagine. I
am not trumping trauma. I have healed past the point where I have to prove that
my trauma is worse than everybody else’s. This is really an indicator that a person has only begun their healing. My previous writings sugarcoat what I
really endured. There is a type of evil that is in the world is not really
fathomable to most people’s imaginations. My identity split. Many times. To
cope with very systematic and targeted traumas throughout my childhood. It
began for me, even the rituals, when I was only an infant. You would not
believe what happened if I were to tell you. The good human imagination will
not even go there. It will all be revealed after my passing. This, though
veiled with unspecific language, is the reason why I cannot accept the fullness
of the healing of the Holy Ghost now. I cannot accept the fullness of His love because of
the ritual traumatic programming. I need help. Christians, I need your help.
This is why God blesses me so much. This is why God loves me so much. I endured
this in my infancy for Him. Really, it was something I endured for a very long time. Do you think the rituals and programming stopped after I grew up? My
handlers were still programming me as long as I was around them. Crazy? Me? How
is your memory? This is very real, in spite of the mind’s best attempts to
guard against it. I have been through a lot of healing resources. It makes me
think I have entered a video game. Some of it is so absurd it’s hard to believe
it’s real for me. Jesus can heal me. Jesus will heal me. I need help. Jesus,
save me.
If it were
for the good of world that I be a simple pilgrim for the next decade, you
wouldn’t have the craving to spy on me in my bedroom. You wouldn’t have the
craving to hear about even my minor sins. No, you are only looking to humiliate
me. May the Lord bless you. And keep you. Make His face shine upon you and be
gracious to you. The Lord bless you and keep you and give you peace. You need
really, laity to ask one question. Why are people (even in the Church) fighting
so hard to censor truth? Again, if it were for my own good, for the good of the
world, you wouldn’t have to spy on every single thing I do. Ask the question.
Christians, I need your help. Christians, I need your help.
You can tell me to get a job. Nobody will really give me a
job. I cannot even get factory work. I am not complaining. This all has a very
specific end. I am worried about that end. Because what begins in envy is not
of God. Any money I have made from my books has all been robbed. Somebody is
preventing my new literature from being published. I am not accusing anyone. I
am learning to accept the fact that every new individual I encounter believes
me to be the worst things a human can possibly be because of the mistakes of my
childhood. You think I don't deserve God's blessings because of my sins. I was not raised Christian. Also, wait for the big unveiling. There's a skeleton in everybody's closet. ;) Actually, in spite of this roadblock, I have gone far in writing
very epic pieces of literature and creating a small business of my own. What
can I say? What’s to be done? I am against a terribly large wall.
God showed
me an amazingly beautiful revelation last night regarding myself. He showed me
the state of my soul when I entered the world. I am ashamed to say that for
decades, I viewed myself even with my intentions of entering the world as bad.
God gave me such a beautiful grace in showing me the fact that almost
everything I believed about myself that was negative was a lie. All of this to
say, I was a perfect and beautiful child when I entered this world. Like every
child.
It was wrong of you to
record my deliverance session. It’s wrong of you to record my confessions and
spiritual directions. Even I recognize that this is not a problem on the level
of the priesthood. With something as vulnerable and specific as a deliverance session, you should know that there is a lot more to the story than what was
said in that. Sometimes, even the hardest situations merit the most empathy and
compassion. I have said all of this before. I deserve this for my sins. But
what you have planned is wrong morally. You are listening to a single interview
I gave in an extremely private and vulnerable setting. You are listening to a
prophecy that was written for another time. The only person you are not
listening to is me. I think it’s clear why.
The reason it was wrong
of you to record my deliverance session is the same reason it is always wrong
to record confessions. I believe it is excommunicable. The fact is that I made
myself vulnerable. The decision I made when I was young, I confessed in past
writings. Still, it was a decision that I had made when I was very young. Very
wounded. Emotionally as well as physically. I was not Christian. I pray that my
heart has changed well. I have been to confession countless times about this
particular issue. It happened decade prior to my baptism. Check the audio files
in my archive. ;) Again, I don’t have a light switch on my life. This is not
something that can be forced. Again, I need the love I never received as a
child. This is the reason I am unable to accomplish God’s will.
I am not complaining. I am telling my truth. Truth feels
like the only thing preventing people from hurting me. Truth is the only
leverage I have keeping me safe. This is the reason I keep saying things to
random people. I am frightened that you will hurt me further. Truth is the only
thing preventing that from happening. If it is a sad, disgusting story, I don’t
know what to tell you. If you don’t want to hear it, I don’t know what to tell
you. This is my story.
You have to only ask yourself how Christian and based in
charity this decision is. On the contrary, it seems remarkably cruel. It is not
a wonder that they want to silence me considering what I have against them.
Listen to me very carefully, I am not a threat to your power. What I endured as
a child, I endured because God asked me to. I am who God says I am. Before I
was born, God appointed me and chose me to be His servant. My experiences of
Heaven began before my birth. At least now we know why God blesses me so much.
It is not Christian to try to hurt someone. It is not Christian to provoke bad
in someone to justify even worse behavior. I wonder how a true Christian would
react to hearing that an infant was sold and ransomed by evil people to
satan? That child having grown, who now lives a righteous life and seeks simply
to be consecrated to God. He has eternal life because of the work that he has
done. He has been trying so hard to rid himself of this weight. Seems like
whatever he does, he cannot shake the pact of sorrow. He learns that he
cannot help himself. Is the true Christian’s response going to be to help this
child or provoke this terrible curse placed on him in infancy? I
was an infant. This was these people’s choice. Not mine. Who is deceived? The
one who stands firm to the message of Christ as He instructed and which has
been this way for 2000 years? Or is the one who is deceived and who is
deceiving the one who is trying to compromise Truth of the Faith with modernism
and communism? Two of the biggest heresies of the past. I do not speak heresy.
I speak what is common sense. Modernism, communism in the church? If you feel I
need to be tested, if you feel I need to make reparation for my sin, I will
submit. To me, it seems unbelievably cruel and heartless.
Truth is far more valuable than the actions of any person. Truth is
unoffendable, uncancellable and unphased by things that happen around it. Truth
is truth regardless of whether people subscribe to it or not.
Have had a realization lately. Not to bore you with details
but I have realized that I am split personality. I have DID. I am
self-diagnosing, yes. First of all, I don’t trust the doctors to tell me the
truth about much. Secondly, you know when you know. It explains an awful lot.
Including things that are unexplainable in other conditions. DID incorporates
cPTSD. It explains the amnesia over most of my life. Forgetting how I did
things, ever having conversations, friendships, entire years passed. It
explains the different personalities I possess. It is caused by ritual abuse.
It’s about more than labels. Because I have been forced into passivity and
submission by people when they abuse me, I have a lot of unsaid feelings and
emotions. I asked one of my alters recently what I could do to help him. He
responded that I should take assertiveness lessons. This made a lot click for
me. Realizing that my childhood and the abuse I took then has made me passive
and weak. Ironically, it also seems to have made me target for bullies all
throughout my life. Learning about assertiveness has opened my eyes a lot. I
firmly stand by the fact that the reason I don’t stand up for myself is because
God Himself is going to stand up for me. God has His justice. And He will stand
up for me personally. Publicly. Soon. But the fact is that, I have a voice.
And I owe it to myself to use it. I really believe that God would rather
protect a child from enduring the worst horrors than have him endure them for
the sake of forgiving later. Our God is a good God. He wants us to be happy.
Suffering is not the natural state of things. Nor does God even want us to
suffer. He gives us grace and makes His glory abound even more in our
suffering. Because He is able to make the best of even the worst. You need to
know that God is not a masochist. What has gotten this idea into the Christian
mind? Listen, God wants our happiness. Name of God! That I even have to say
this. Where are your experts? The saints are wonderful examples of piety. They
are examples of ideal faith and holiness. But the lives they lived, do you
really think that God would not have spared them from their anguish were He
able? It is splendidly true that faith grows exponentially stronger in
suffering. Suffering purifies us, in a sense. But it is not the natural state
of things. I know that God only wishes that we would come to know Him and His love without ever having to suffer. The only thing God ever asked of me in my childhood was to tell the
truth about what was happened to me. God resented that my abusers were doing
these things to me. He hated seeing it. He will show you this behavior is
unacceptable.
Regardless of the past, I like my life. I like myself. I love myself. I only want to be happy. I wish I had my wife with me. It seems at every step, I am deprived of good things everywhere. I thought that revealing my identity and what I have endured would help the world. I thought it would help you to be compassionate and understanding. For a time, it did. You surprised me with your goodness. I never anticipated it would come to this. World, remember goodness. Remember compassion. Don't let your hearts grow cold. I should have trusted God from the beginning. I wish I knew how. Christians, once more, I need your help. This will not stop at simple feelings of jealousy. One needs to ask themselves from where this jealousy has its roots. From where is it originating?
God loves you. We have a God who cares infinitely about every human being on this planet. He was the one who crafted you in your ma's womb. He is the one who gave you your beautiful eyes, your conscience and your feelings. He has created you with an infinite array of choices and possibilities. Your future is never set. It is guided. By Him. But we make the choice. Choose love, friends. Choose love.
