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Wednesday, December 28, 2016

December 28, 2016:

I prayed not because I have to or because I am obligated but rather because I long for the Creator to know that I want a relationship with him, that I love Him and need Him. That I cannot do this without Him. I thought more about the fact that I had called myself a sham and been depressed, for some time and realized that I was depending on myself for everything I need. It became more and more clear to me what I need to do. I needed to find the Truth of who I am. I needed to see myself the way that only God sees me. I needed to see myself in ways that no one on this earth saw me. I have struggled with this a lot over the past years. It’s a continual battle for me to trust in Christ fully with the weight of the stress that surrounds my body and spirit. It is a continual fight for me to learn to trust and rely on a force other than what I know because what I know has helped me to survive through so much. But then I remember why I was suffering in the first place. I am finally coming to live in an area that is not dictated by the events of my past. Nor is who I am dictated by what I can and should have done. The truth of your reality is not what you have been through. It’s about what Christ went through and overcame. Faith in itself will produce good works. First, we need to believe in our hearts and confess with our mouths that Christ is Lord of all the world. Hate, in any respect, even against those who hated you, is not a good thing. The Kingdom, the reason Christ came to earth, the reason I write now and fully, the entire nature of God Almighty, stands for love. This is all about love. This life is about love. Love for each other. Love for God. Love for those who hate us. Love for ourselves. Act in love and you will be doing the will of God. Knowing that there will certainly be justice. There is a difference between the love we need and the love we want. The enemy is the one who fills our hearts with deception and pain and lies. He is a punk, wrought on destroying all of mankind. Do not allow your hearts to be filled with resentment. Know in your precious hearts that you are all so very loved. One person is not loved more or less according to God. All are equal in order that God’s perfect love may be revealed. How can we love ourselves? Even when so much disaster has befallen our spirits. How can we love others? Even when there is so much hate and oppression in this world. How can we love God? Even when there is so much pain and suffering that good people never deserved. How can we love those who hate us, hurt us and persecute us? We can do all of those beautiful things in the knowledge of the Truth of God’s love for us. We can do all of these things knowing that God stands for everything wonderful in our world. And yes, it’s a very big universe. He created it all! And still, he notices us, our insignificant presence, marvelling at our every step, our every breath. He marvels at us enough to want so much for all of us to be free and to experience joy and love in the Truth that is absent of suffering, misery, oppression, lies and hate. We can love everyone once we accept the Spirit of the living God. This is not entirely about religion. It’s not about who is right and justified. For there is absolutely no contest, no trial and no battle in love. Jesus, the Lord of love and peace came to earth not just for the Jews, not just for Christians, not for Jehovah’s Witness or any other. He came for all mankind that we all may know that His love is a free gift and a beautiful one. This is not about religion. It is my hope that with love and grace, you are given a glimpse of the LORD Almighty in the way that I have seen Him. Love God, act in love and peace to each other and to all neighboring others, in truth and you will be doing the will of God. I just pray that God reveals to you a knowledge of the love of Christ as it has been shown to me. There are so many similarities between most of the religions of the world. This cannot be for coincidence. It is not a judgment when I tell you that there are too many conventions and rules these days. Merited, there is a Law that God requires you to follow. And that Law is immensely important. I simply encourage you to have faith. The Law will follow if you just have faith. Our world is a truly beautiful one. Every time I look around, I wonder in amazement at everything in God’s glorious Creation. I wonder at the sight of what we have done to it as well. Hardly in a bad way. We have erected monumental metropolis’, we have invented travel that can get us from one corner of the world to the opposing corner in a matter of hours. We have created communication that can connect an individual in Hong Kong to Wyoming in a flash. That is incredible. We are made in the image of God. But, at the same time, it is also a very hurting world. It is a world that is filled with enormous suffering and injustices. We live in a world where people thrive and blossom off of the hard work and pain of others. It is a world that needs a savior. And we are enormously blessed that God Almighty has sent us that savior. With the full knowledge of what He would have to experience in order to stand by the Truth of love and everything that love stands for, God was still willing to send us His Son. The only way we can be made holy and righteous enough to approach God, the Father is through the Savior, Jesus Christ. Church, you beautiful, worthy and strong sheep. Whatever happens, know in your hearts that in front of you lies a future none of you could imagine right now. It is a very real place. You absolutely have this to hope for. Just remember to do everything in love. Do not walk in the presence of evildoers or stand in the way of those who will sin. Just keep strong and maintain your faith. I’m sorry I wasn’t strong enough to provide a voice for you. I’m trying to feel like an apology is enough. Whatever happens, know that you are all so valuable and so loved. You will be home soon. To those who suffer and those who persecute alike, the peace and joy of love and truth is within arm’s reach of you. My life is not over and while there is life, there is still an opportunity to love. I just need to know from you what you would like me to do. I can promise to never give up and to try my hardest with what has been given to me. This was a terribly difficult mission for me. From the start, the odds were stacked against me up to the brim. But I accepted it. I said I would do many things. I’m so sorry I couldn’t have been stronger. Still, one will come who will be a voice for you in a while. You know how I feel about what happened in my life. I will not give up. Love sometimes is a difficult cause to fight for. But it is always worth it. And love will triumph in the end. The Truth does not change or waver. Keep faith. Have patience. Please. Changes are coming. Everyone has been through so much. Regardless of your religion, race or history, we all hurt in the same way. Though our reactions differ and greatly do they differ, we were all children at one point, longing for our mothers to hold us and comfort us. We need to empathize with our brother. Don’t forget the awe and beauty of this world. I see people standing next to gulls and walking through flocks of pigeons like nothing is happening. If you remove the common place occurrence that this is, and mind you, the peskiness of these animals and just step back and view these scenes for the magic they actually are, you’d be surprised. This applies to everything. Just think of the joy and majesty of creation that went into their forming. Think back, remember, as a child, viewing the world for the first time. This entire world is a testimony to the awesome love and power and glory of God Almighty. Everything you have done as a world is magnificent. I remember, (and I’m not sure if I have mentioned this before) during the time I spent on Grimsey Island, I was reflecting a lot. I was taking a lot in visually. In spite of the incredible beauty of the island and the genuine warmth of the people there, there was not much to see. The thought was welcomed in my mind that life can flourish anywhere. All it takes is more than one person. The warmth and love I was shown in my time on this quaint and unique little island, with a population of no more than 100 in the summer, kindled something genuine and irreplaceable for me. I just remember walking through the little streets, observing the trampolines for the children, the tiny church in the middle of the island, the little community restaurant where after a certain time, the locals would show up and start conversing and drinking. Having fun, like people should be allowed to. I remember walking through the schoolyard, reflecting on how many children had grown through it, down by the harbor, a hopscotch design painted into the pavement, a lone lighthouse on the far end of the island. I just think sometimes that it’s remarkably beautiful that we can do this for ourselves. I think it’s amazing the communities we can develop and foster and nourish. Anyways, I tend to think like that when I don’t sleep much.’

December 28, 2016:

Sometimes I feel as though people have forgotten about the injury that happened to me and the physical limitations that accompanied it. I’m not saying that like it’s their responsibility to remember. I know a man’s place in society. I just have such joy at the sight in my mind of what our societies can be. It gets pretty despairing having gone through a lot and having no one. I wrote a book. Maybe, read through that again. There’s all sorts of trauma in the world. There is a lot of literature written towards traumatic reaction obtained through a single event. It is different from complex trauma that extends for years and where there is little chance of escape. Early trauma hardwires our nervous systems for stress. Trauma accumulates. “When our foundations are wrought with unprocessed injustice and feelings, this makes it more difficult to deal with injustices later. When our foundations are wrought with unprocessed trauma and feelings, this makes it more difficult to deal with everything that happens to confront us. It is when we have been able to process this trauma and injustice that great things are in sight.” Me Today I am thankful that the truth is going to come out, which will make sense of a lot of things. I hope as to why I have been having so much difficulty as well. Tonight, I am grateful for love. I know no body owes me anything. I want the best thing for your world. It’s not that I don’t. It’s that I resolved to overcome at the end. This has created a lot of problems for me. Even I recognize that I deserve so much better than this. I cannot explain how frustrated I get, in knowing what God had in store for me (not that I ever deserved it) when it is so difficult for me to regulate my feelings. I’m noticing a lot of people laughing at me today. Feeling frustrated that I don’t know what I am doing wrong. Things are going to get better. Very soon. You know how I feel. Remember through whatever darkness that comes that things are going to get better. I’ve really got to stop caring about what others are thinking of me. It’s not important. What is important is my mission. And I will finish well. Even if that means coming at a sacrifice of my glory. I was using everything that I could summon within my human body in order to keep alive and to ensure that I would never be hurt again in the ways that I was. They were hurting me so much. Or rather, I was being hurt so much. My world was fracturing nightly. For me, there is a reason why it has been such a struggle to surrender my being to love also as to why I chose to wait until the end to overcome. Everything can be overcome in the Name that brings love and joy in its Truth. I’m just asking you to have compassion. I am trying very hard. And it may not seem like it but I am working so very hard at everything I do. Probably in ways nobody can even see. Don’t believe until there’s reason to. I keep saying that. You might get a surprise. A lot of the time, I have to remind myself how blessed we are to have a God who knows what it’s like to be human. The temptations, the fears, the shame and the hopes and dreams. We can unite in love and faith once we realize that everyone suffers. That everyone hopes. That everyone dreams. It’s a truly global cause that every human experiences pain. Have faith. Society is increasingly isolating itself with technology and other coping mechanisms. We need to do this together. We all have access to the Word of God, the Holy Bible. I pray that you are not tempted into disbelieving my testimony because of the Truth of the Word of God and because of its unchanging nature. I assure you that I speak nothing other than the Gospel of Christ in love and truth and that any understatement on my part is only a result of the suffering I have endured as well as the mistakes that I myself have made as well as my limited language with which to express the things I know. The Apostle Paul was a great man and fully convicted in the faith. He was very vigilant about the Way. This had to be. And he was rightly glorified. Just as this has to be now. I have only told you the truth that comes from my heart. Still, I do not expect any of you to believe in my testimony until God has proven it as what He desires. “They have seen false visions and lying divinations. They say, ‘Declares the Lord,’ when the Lord has not sent them, and yet they expect him to fulfill their word” (Ezekiel 13:6). I am not asking you to believe now, just that you have faith and compassion and understanding. If it is His will, it will be made clear. For the Word of God is immutable and unchangeable unless God chooses to make it so. God’s heart is loving and eternally unchanging but it is evident in the Bible of passages that suggest God changes His mind on a temporal level: "So the Lord changed His mind about the harm which He said He would do to His people." (Exodus 32:14). In cases of sin and repentance, God can change His mind. We see this in the Garden of Eden as well as with the Christ. With human free will and as God learns about us by our decisions, God can change His mind. Other areas of the Scripture are sufficient but not entirely clear. I speak only what has been instructed me from God. I believe it because I have faith. What is the purpose of a prophet? It was either to defend, to call for a return or the application of a new, word of God. Just have faith. I admit that others could have done the job better than me. But I have run from Him far too many times in my life because of the weight on my heart and only want so much to do the will of God now. Keep faith. The Book of Remembrance has been written: “Those who feared the LORD talked with each other, and the LORD listened and heard. A scroll of remembrance was written in his presence concerning those who feared the LORD and honored his name. ‘On the day when I act,’ says the LORD Almighty, ‘they will be my treasured possession. I will spare them, just as a father has compassion and spares his son who serves him. And you will again see the distinction between the righteous and the wicked, between those who serve God and those who do not” (Malachi 3:16-18). The Book of Life is written. To them who believe in my testimony and what I have said has happened to me in my life, will have the Book of Life opened to them. My life has been one of sorrow and pain. All I needed and want now is for people to acknowledge and to respect what I know for a fact I have gone through. Have faith and keep patience. I am – was – just a human being like all of you. This letter, I admit, may be a little difficult for you to understand now. I apologize for this. I am explaining what I know in the only way I know how. If it is God’s will, things will be made increasingly clear. Until God created it, it didn’t exist. Think about that.

Thursday, December 8, 2016

Some thoughts:

“Eventually, she would diagnose me as having the symptoms of complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. When she asked me about my childhood, I would clam up and sometimes start sweating. I would laugh all of the time when I first woke up. It was a defense mechanism against pain. I remember once laughing when a poor kid in the hospital was crying because he was hurt. I was laughing because his pain hurt me. I empathized with him and the feeling of connection was too much to bear. There were many reasons I would appear to laugh and cry at times. Merited the brain injury I had sustained probably made my expression of my emotions a little more dramatic, I didn’t feel things like others. My feelings and thought process had been severely injured by both what they had been doing to me and by the injury.” Trauma, shame and anger, if we do not release it, will fill into our hearts and continue to affect the way we live. This is true years after, if we repress the feelings. And so it was with me also, in addition to this quote from my book that another reason I have such difficulty controlling my emotions physically is because there is so much pent up anger and shame within my heart. A couple of days ago I went to the gym where I unloaded on the punching bag. And after, I felt so much better. This is what I am talking about. Though, truly for me, I was meant to disclose what was happening to me a lot sooner so that, there could have been justice carried out and I could have had the opportunity to express my feelings about what they did to me. “God values the protection and safety of children and of those suffering more than He values the endurance of pain for the sake of endurance. God would rather protect a child than have that child suffer and then have to forgive.” The way to overcome these feelings is by dealing with them and replacing the void with the Gospel and with the love of God. I felt this very clearly in the time I spent at the monastery in Georgia, where I quit a three pack of cigarette a day addiction in a day. “It’s a beautiful, wonderful world. It is a wonderful and great gift, this life, if we can allow our perspectives the shift for a moment to see how much we have, how much we are loved and how much we have waiting for us. If we choose to love. Please remember how important all of you are. You’re not animals. You are made in the image of God. However you choose to interpret that, I want you to take from it that you are beautiful. You are spiritual. You are precious gifts. You are all cherished in the eyes of God. And your existences matter a great deal.” You’re all very important. Remember how valuable you all are. And it’s very true. We have the responsibility to make of life whatever we have been given. We have the choice whether to be grateful or bitter. But we have to strive to remember that other people make very real choices that affect us. We have to take accountability, realizing that our actions greatly influence others’ lives. “I have turned my cheek in love and humility. Here, I’m not speaking about small things. Here, I’m speaking about rape, violent assaults and blatant attacks on my integrity from people who were and remain very close to my heart. If I have anything to boast about, it is surely in the Christ who has given hope where no hope existed. It is through Him that I have a chance. I can only boast in the love and faith I have held on to through the sufferings I have endured for the sake of the cross of Jesus. I cannot boast in any glory but the glory that God, the Father has offered me.” We have to make a commitment to help those who cannot help themselves. That is what being a human is about. I’m not judging or condemning at all (I don’t believe I am in a place to do that at all). All I can do is continue to try. And to be grateful.” I read what I wrote again and decided to repost it. What I wrote offers a fair understanding as to why I find it so difficult to deal effectively with stress now. When our foundations and groundings are shaky, we will not have effective footing from which to draw the resources we need to confront everything that comes our way. I’ve been noticing myself lapsing into old coping patterns and strategies over the past few days. Merited, this time for me is very stressful. In spite of the bodily stress I am feeling, I am feeling quite grateful. Try to be tolerant and understanding of the mistakes of others. We can’t see their life’s history. But we can empathize. Knowing that life, especially in these days, is not easy for anyone. Still, there are some things, which are not cool. It’s not cool to commit sin. God has compassion. But He will judge righteously. Reading this post of mine again, at the end I said, ‘all I can do is continue to try. And to be grateful.’ I believe I am stronger than that. I will triumph. Because, above all and certainly greater than the stresses is the beautiful truth that I am loved. What a beautiful truth that in the middle of all of these bad things happening in the world, we are so loved and cherished. The reason I didn’t get a job is not because I was lazy. It was because I didn’t feel I had anything to contribute. I was so filled with shame, especially stemming from the times in the past when I had tried employment and had not lived up to my own expectations. The reason I had not lived up to my own expectations is because I was being molested and/or raped at the times I sought employment in the past. I just became too overwhelmed to cope with what was happening to me and the responsibilities of a job. Now, I believe I have something to offer. Please remember, I was taught this shame. It’s nothing about my character. I suppose I could have tried harder. I suppose I could have gotten a job. I am not lazy though. I’ve written four books and create art every week. There are probably a few people who think I don’t know what hard work is. To these people, I ask, have you ever had to relearn to breathe? To swallow? To walk? I don’t mean this as a spiteful comment. Simply to display that while others have been working to make money, I have been working to keep alive. And the relearning/coping process did not stop after that injury. I’ve been working really hard. Just because you’re not getting paid, doesn’t mean you’re not working. Although, of course, I am not denying and am grateful for the incredible amount of hard work a lot of people put towards their jobs to support families. We just know work in different ways. Changes are coming. Everyone has been through so much. Regardless of your religion, race or history, we all hurt in the same way. Though our reactions differ and greatly do they differ, we were all children at one point, longing for our mothers to hold us and comfort us. We need to empathize with our brother. Don’t forget the awe and beauty of this world. I see people standing next to gulls and walking through flocks of pigeons like nothing is happening. If you remove the common place occurrence that this is, and mind you, the peskiness of these animals and just step back and view these scenes for the magic they actually are, you’d be surprised. This applies to everything. Just think of the joy and majesty of creation that went into their forming. Think back, remember, as a child, viewing the world for the first time. This entire world is a testimony to the awesome love and power and glory of God Almighty. Everything you have done as a world is magnificent. I remember, (and I’m not sure if I have mentioned this before) during the time I spent on Grimsey Island, I was reflecting a lot. I was taking a lot in visually. In spite of the incredible beauty of the island and the genuine warmth of the people there, there was not much to see. The thought was welcomed in my mind that life can flourish anywhere. All it takes is more than one person. The warmth and love I was shown in my time on this quaint and unique little island, with a population of no more than 100 in the summer, kindled something genuine and irreplaceable for me. I just remember walking through the little streets, observing the trampolines for the children, the tiny church in the middle of the island, the little community restaurant where after a certain time, the locals would show up and start conversing and drinking. Having fun, like people should be allowed to. I remember walking through the schoolyard, reflecting on how many children had grown through it, down by the harbor, a hopscotch design painted into the pavement, a lone lighthouse on the far end of the island. I just think sometimes that it’s remarkably beautiful that we can do this for ourselves. I think it’s amazing the communities we can develop and foster and nourish. Anyways, I tend to think like that when I don’t sleep much.