Some thoughts:

“Eventually, she would diagnose me as having the symptoms of complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. When she asked me about my childhood, I would clam up and sometimes start sweating. I would laugh all of the time when I first woke up. It was a defense mechanism against pain. I remember once laughing when a poor kid in the hospital was crying because he was hurt. I was laughing because his pain hurt me. I empathized with him and the feeling of connection was too much to bear. There were many reasons I would appear to laugh and cry at times. Merited the brain injury I had sustained probably made my expression of my emotions a little more dramatic, I didn’t feel things like others. My feelings and thought process had been severely injured by both what they had been doing to me and by the injury.” Trauma, shame and anger, if we do not release it, will fill into our hearts and continue to affect the way we live. This is true years after, if we repress the feelings. And so it was with me also, in addition to this quote from my book that another reason I have such difficulty controlling my emotions physically is because there is so much pent up anger and shame within my heart. A couple of days ago I went to the gym where I unloaded on the punching bag. And after, I felt so much better. This is what I am talking about. Though, truly for me, I was meant to disclose what was happening to me a lot sooner so that, there could have been justice carried out and I could have had the opportunity to express my feelings about what they did to me. “God values the protection and safety of children and of those suffering more than He values the endurance of pain for the sake of endurance. God would rather protect a child than have that child suffer and then have to forgive.” The way to overcome these feelings is by dealing with them and replacing the void with the Gospel and with the love of God. I felt this very clearly in the time I spent at the monastery in Georgia, where I quit a three pack of cigarette a day addiction in a day. “It’s a beautiful, wonderful world. It is a wonderful and great gift, this life, if we can allow our perspectives the shift for a moment to see how much we have, how much we are loved and how much we have waiting for us. If we choose to love. Please remember how important all of you are. You’re not animals. You are made in the image of God. However you choose to interpret that, I want you to take from it that you are beautiful. You are spiritual. You are precious gifts. You are all cherished in the eyes of God. And your existences matter a great deal.” You’re all very important. Remember how valuable you all are. And it’s very true. We have the responsibility to make of life whatever we have been given. We have the choice whether to be grateful or bitter. But we have to strive to remember that other people make very real choices that affect us. We have to take accountability, realizing that our actions greatly influence others’ lives. “I have turned my cheek in love and humility. Here, I’m not speaking about small things. Here, I’m speaking about rape, violent assaults and blatant attacks on my integrity from people who were and remain very close to my heart. If I have anything to boast about, it is surely in the Christ who has given hope where no hope existed. It is through Him that I have a chance. I can only boast in the love and faith I have held on to through the sufferings I have endured for the sake of the cross of Jesus. I cannot boast in any glory but the glory that God, the Father has offered me.” We have to make a commitment to help those who cannot help themselves. That is what being a human is about. I’m not judging or condemning at all (I don’t believe I am in a place to do that at all). All I can do is continue to try. And to be grateful.” I read what I wrote again and decided to repost it. What I wrote offers a fair understanding as to why I find it so difficult to deal effectively with stress now. When our foundations and groundings are shaky, we will not have effective footing from which to draw the resources we need to confront everything that comes our way. I’ve been noticing myself lapsing into old coping patterns and strategies over the past few days. Merited, this time for me is very stressful. In spite of the bodily stress I am feeling, I am feeling quite grateful. Try to be tolerant and understanding of the mistakes of others. We can’t see their life’s history. But we can empathize. Knowing that life, especially in these days, is not easy for anyone. Still, there are some things, which are not cool. It’s not cool to commit sin. God has compassion. But He will judge righteously. Reading this post of mine again, at the end I said, ‘all I can do is continue to try. And to be grateful.’ I believe I am stronger than that. I will triumph. Because, above all and certainly greater than the stresses is the beautiful truth that I am loved. What a beautiful truth that in the middle of all of these bad things happening in the world, we are so loved and cherished. The reason I didn’t get a job is not because I was lazy. It was because I didn’t feel I had anything to contribute. I was so filled with shame, especially stemming from the times in the past when I had tried employment and had not lived up to my own expectations. The reason I had not lived up to my own expectations is because I was being molested and/or raped at the times I sought employment in the past. I just became too overwhelmed to cope with what was happening to me and the responsibilities of a job. Now, I believe I have something to offer. Please remember, I was taught this shame. It’s nothing about my character. I suppose I could have tried harder. I suppose I could have gotten a job. I am not lazy though. I’ve written four books and create art every week. There are probably a few people who think I don’t know what hard work is. To these people, I ask, have you ever had to relearn to breathe? To swallow? To walk? I don’t mean this as a spiteful comment. Simply to display that while others have been working to make money, I have been working to keep alive. And the relearning/coping process did not stop after that injury. I’ve been working really hard. Just because you’re not getting paid, doesn’t mean you’re not working. Although, of course, I am not denying and am grateful for the incredible amount of hard work a lot of people put towards their jobs to support families. We just know work in different ways. Changes are coming. Everyone has been through so much. Regardless of your religion, race or history, we all hurt in the same way. Though our reactions differ and greatly do they differ, we were all children at one point, longing for our mothers to hold us and comfort us. We need to empathize with our brother. Don’t forget the awe and beauty of this world. I see people standing next to gulls and walking through flocks of pigeons like nothing is happening. If you remove the common place occurrence that this is, and mind you, the peskiness of these animals and just step back and view these scenes for the magic they actually are, you’d be surprised. This applies to everything. Just think of the joy and majesty of creation that went into their forming. Think back, remember, as a child, viewing the world for the first time. This entire world is a testimony to the awesome love and power and glory of God Almighty. Everything you have done as a world is magnificent. I remember, (and I’m not sure if I have mentioned this before) during the time I spent on Grimsey Island, I was reflecting a lot. I was taking a lot in visually. In spite of the incredible beauty of the island and the genuine warmth of the people there, there was not much to see. The thought was welcomed in my mind that life can flourish anywhere. All it takes is more than one person. The warmth and love I was shown in my time on this quaint and unique little island, with a population of no more than 100 in the summer, kindled something genuine and irreplaceable for me. I just remember walking through the little streets, observing the trampolines for the children, the tiny church in the middle of the island, the little community restaurant where after a certain time, the locals would show up and start conversing and drinking. Having fun, like people should be allowed to. I remember walking through the schoolyard, reflecting on how many children had grown through it, down by the harbor, a hopscotch design painted into the pavement, a lone lighthouse on the far end of the island. I just think sometimes that it’s remarkably beautiful that we can do this for ourselves. I think it’s amazing the communities we can develop and foster and nourish. Anyways, I tend to think like that when I don’t sleep much.