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Friday, September 1, 2017

Revelation will come:

Dear cousin, There will be no space for sorrow. When the Regeneration comes, there will be nothing but for all of mankind to rejoice. Still, I know that after, people may feel badly about what happened to me. Just know that I will be at rest. And the darkness will be quelled. I just hope and pray the truth reveals itself to you before long and that you are not hurt by the truth in any way. Because I know how hard this will be for you even while everybody is rejoicing. I know how much you have had to deny this, and regrettably, how much you still will deny it. Don’t let that hinder you. Tell the truth at your own pace. I just want you to know Cousin, that you are very strong. I sincerely hope that they have stopped acting in the ways that they did with me under their supervision. Please know that, in spite of everything, none of this was your fault. I understand if you had to confess the opposite of what I was saying. I know that you do not believe me. Know that if this is the case, it is only resulting from the amount of time that has passed, or the delay in my coming. It was not resulting from any ill will on your part. I know that in a lot of ways I realize it’s my fault. Not the abuse. But the fact that I am coming so late. Listen to me Alex: the Lord Jesus said that He desires mercy not sacrifice. There was a reason that I could not allow myself to disclose my secret and go live with you and your family. Part of my being prays that God reveals to you the reason why I could not tell about what was happening to me. A larger part of me hopes that revelation never befalls you for the sake of your own sense of peace. That larger part of me also tells me that I shouldn’t even bring this up. But my being, my soul needs to at least say this for the sake of my own sanity. And that is the reason I have chosen to withhold a large part of my life and a reason for many events that followed. I am so sorry. I still find myself plagued with the realization of seeing you weep before me there at Wasaga so many years ago. I don’t know who I became with what happened to me. All I know is that I find myself feeling that I would be happier if I just suffered so much in my life that my spirit and will to live were destroyed as opposed to my possessing even a little bit of malice. I do not intend for the last choice I will make in this life to be an act of vengeance. Even knowing that I am innocent because I was a child, choices were made. But those choices were not mine. But now, the choice is mine to let it go. I love you cousin. You have been a great source of light and hope to me. In spite of everything. I pray that if God reveals this to you that by His grace, you’ll do the right thing. I am leaving this secret in your hands. I am so sorry that this truth was delayed in coming for so long. I’m sorry I allowed you to believe that they are good people. Use reason when you judge. May God the Father place upon you and your wonderful family the most sincere of blessings in the name of Jesus the Christ. I’ll never forget your great support when we were young boys. I empathize with the reason you could not remember. These are traumatic truths. I can handle this; what’s surely coming. I’m pretty sure I know what you guys are thinking. I have been gifted with a foresight. Believe me, I understand you. But I am strong enough. And things will get better. I can’t help but thinking to myself, ‘what took you so long?’ in coming out with it. Especially knowing what I am going to endure. Even knowing that right now, I am enduring hell in this shame that is perpetuating because of this silence. Even knowing that it might get worse. Not to shame you in any way. Just know I love you and that this is not your fault. I know it wasn’t your fault. I will be patient, through whatever I need to. The reason I did not return your call is because I don’t want you to have to keep denying something that, in time, will prove true. When you come out with it, I want it to be genuine so that people know. I want to say the same to my sister and mother. It wasn’t your fault for not remembering. You are so strong. I forgive you completely. You were probably my only family in my life. And the fact that you tried when no one else did, means so much to me. I want to remember you as the beautiful people you are. Better times are coming. Keep faith in that. Changes are coming. I love you. Sister, I know that this was an unfair position that I put you in. I just hope that you’ll find forgiveness for me, for those who have hurt you over your life (not necessarily in the same way) and for yourself. Brother, thank you for your support shortly after my disclosure to you and sister about what happened to me. I know that the three of us were, for the most part, brought up in atheist environments. I just pray that you will consider the possibility of hope and love of God. God is so great and has done so many great things for me. I want you to see that. Mom, I’m sorry for getting you unfairly involved in this. You know I love you and that I would never want to hurt you. I was hoping that you may remember. I wanted not to get you involved after I realized you were struggling with it. I’m so sorry. I did not want things to come to this. I love you dearly. God’s blessings. None of this was your fault. It was never your fault. The child, the teenager, the man you knew me as was not the real me. What you saw was probably a symptom. I’m blessed to have been able to have found the real me. I am just rejoicing that God’s will is accomplished. Somewhere, at some point the will of God is accomplished. To anyone else who had to deny what I was saying, I understand you. I know how things are at this moment. We need to know that things are going to get a lot better. I understand your lack of support. Because of the state of things. I always remind myself that darkness has continued to grow strong. I love you all. And if you didn’t support me or believe me, and I still made an effort to reach out to you, there is a reason for that as well. You are clearly a great light to this world. At the same time, I want to acknowledge and praise all of those who did support me. Thank you for everything. I could not have done this without you. I know how frustrating this must be for you, in looking for evidence to prove what I am saying. I know how difficult it must be to believe in something with little to no corroboration. Don’t forget what I have said and done. The fact is that there is a reason this secret is so obscured. The evil one is trying to destroy me. He will not succeed. But, I’ve got to say, this life is very stressful. That darkness will not lift until the time is right. Again, I am not asking you to believe until there is a reason to. But that you store this in your hearts so that when it happens, truth will revitalize the hope you are now nurturing. I know I have brought a lot of others into this, perhaps unfairly, knowing that they would not be able to support me. No one gets to say that I was well taken care of as a child. You can hide a lot behind closed doors. A parent can feed a child, they can clothe it, give it everything it could ever crave. If they are raping and abusing it, you can say what you want, they do not have that child’s best intentions at heart. What I know is that if I do overcome death and find rest through my faith in God, my cousin will reveal what happened to me sometime after. I am just asking you to have faith. Do not be hard on him or anyone else involved for not remembering sooner or being unable to remember. His inability to remember rested in my chosen will for him. A will chosen by shame and fear. Cousin, this was not your fault. I love you. Of men alive, at the present time, none is as righteous and possesses as strong a spirit as my cousin. My cousin, to you and your family, I leave a warm blessing. And to your wonderful daughter, I leave a blessing on her future. Remember: What good will my forgiveness have, without truth? We will get a pleasant and very big surprise. The way things are going, truth might – hopefully – come out earlier. Remember what I have already been through. Remember this: that facts are not truth. The evil one is very skilled at covering up facts. Through that, truth always remains. There is a reason I keep saying, we might get a surprise. This needs to come as a surprise. When this happens, we may think differently about a lot of things. What happens behind closed doors, often stays behind closed doors. That's how the evil one works. In darkness. Things will get better. Illuminate this world with your light and Truth Lord Jesus. I know how much you have had to deny this, and regrettably, how much you still will deny it. Don’t let that hinder you. Tell the truth at your own pace. I will be patient, through whatever I need to. When you come out with it, I want it to be genuine so that people know. And it will be. This is not in my head. I appreciate your care and concern. But you need to know that truth about what happened to me is absolutely 100% coming out. That to me, is clearer than the light of day on Earth. Jonathan

Sunday, August 20, 2017

Forgiveness:

So we are clear about how I feel about forgiveness. Maybe I wasn’t explaining it properly. Some excerpts taken from book ‘How to forgive yourself and others’ by Father Eamon Tobin. Forgiveness does not mean that we must forget a hurt or injustice. Sometimes, it is not possible to forget some hurts and sometimes it is not even wise to do so. What we can and should seek to do is to let go of the resentments connected with the hurt. We may need to remember some hurts to help us to not allow them to happen again. If we do not remember how a person abuses us, we run the risk of allowing such behavior to occur again. Remembering hurts that are forgiven and healed will enable us to offer understanding, compassion and help to others in need of healing. Forgiveness does not mean that we surrender our right to justice. Pope John Paul II forgave the man who tried to kill him, but he didn’t request he be released from jail. Forgiving someone who breaks our trust, doesn’t mean that we give them back their job. Jesus asked us to forgive. Forgiveness doesn’t necessarily mean that I have to befriend or relate to my offender. This is especially true if my offender shows no sorrow or remorse for the wrongs they did. We can love and forgive someone without befriending them. Forgiveness does not mean that I have to put up with intolerable behavior. If someone abuses us, we should do everything in our power to resist such behavior. Forgiveness does not ask that we become door mats for nasty people. Forgiveness doesn’t mean excusing, condoning or minimizing the wrong inflicted on us. Forgiveness does not mean that we never have negative feelings toward our offender. There is a difference between the forgiveness of a hurt and the total healing from a hurt. Forgiveness does not mean that we have to like our offender. Forgiveness is a process, which may take a day, a year or a lifetime, during which we seek to eliminate from mind and heart all resentment and hurt feelings that we have because of what someone did or said to us. Forgiveness is a gift we give ourselves so that we do not remain stuck in the past and in our pain, living as victims of some big hurt or injustice. Sometimes, we may feel ill at ease because we still harbor negative feelings toward someone who has hurt us terribly in the past or about what they did. We believe our negative feelings indicate that we do not have forgiveness in our heart. The hurt has been forgiven, but the wound has festered because the betrayal has not been healed. The point here is that we shouldn’t necessarily conclude that we have not forgiven someone just because we still feel hurt and negative about what has happened. Forgiveness is primarily an act of the will and not a matter of feelings. It is unfair to insist that a child be responsible for resentment when they are going through so much. As an adult, they have a choice. This is where healing takes place. Forgiveness when it involves child abuse is difficult because of many layers of hurt, betrayal and shame and because it’s often not an isolated event. Remember, trauma, shame accumulate. The longer this goes on, the earlier it starts, the more complications will emerge. 70x7. It seems reasonable as adults to interpret this saying as implying we are to forgive in infinite. But for a child, who angels are trying to convince he doesn’t deserve what he is going through, it has a very real sum.” Reconciliation is takes two parties. Forgiveness is there. Scars still exist. Reconciliation takes two parties to work. While they are in denial, that is not going to work. The forgiveness is there. I feel I have a lot of forgiveness I need to express for myself first. My life’s not over yet. And while there is life, there is hope. I have done a lot in my own healing work to ensure I am changed. Say what you will, there is a difference between a stare and a rape. And a difference between a rape and a thousand rapes. Nobody’s experiences means less. No one’s experiences are less valid. I can imagine it may be difficult to see, but it is a psychological fact that trauma accumulates and traumatic effect can have a greater effect in some cases as in others. Remember what I am claiming to have gone through. You need take into account, the extremely debilitating trauma of sexual assault and abuse at such early ages. We are absolutely to forgive. The Bible does not tell us to forgive and forget. Rather, the Bible does not tell us to act as if the sin had never occurred and live as if you don’t remember it. A rape victim can choose to forgive the rapist but that does not mean that the sin never happened. To spend time with the rapist, especially if they are unrepentant, is not what Scripture teaches. I came across an example on a website that I hope will help bring a little more clarity to what I am saying: ”You told me that I needed to forgive my husband and be reconciled. But he was abusive to me for years. I took the abuse far too long because my pastor told me I should submit. Then when I saw him begin to abuse my children as well, I gathered the courage to leave him for good. Now you tell me I have to forgive him as if it never happened.” ‘When wrong doing is chronic, reconciliation is difficult and perhaps inadvisable.’ We can forgive within our spirits, but the full restoration of a relationship requires the commitment of both parties. Search your hearts and you will know that what I am saying is very reasonable. Forgiveness means that we don’t harbor ill will toward the person who wronged us, but it does not mean that the wrong was right. Forgiveness involves not holding a sin against another any longer, but forgiveness is different than trust. Sometimes, the dynamics of the relationship will have to change. “The prudent see danger and take refuge, but the simple keep going and pay the penalty” (Proverbs 22:3). I do love them; my abusers. I want you to see this trauma and recognize it, not out of vengeance or spite; definitely not, but rather out of an appeal to mercy. I cannot explain to you how this all affected me and mostly, how it affects me in such a negative way when I visit them and communicate with them. But they are very real feelings. As real as a broken arm or a fractured bone. There definitely was a reason I was chosen. Still, “If you forgive the sins of any, they are forgiven them. If you do not forgive them, they are not forgiven,” (John 20:23). I personally choose to liberate them from the debt they owe me, before God the Father, because they are close to me. But the pain I have is very real and is absolutely not a choice. Please. Have empathy and understand that human beings can suffer. We are flesh and blood. But we are so much more than just that. We have a spirit. We are God’s children. That is why I forgive. I am sure of this: it is not me who forgives. It is the Spirit within me. There is no other explanation. But the pain is very real and goes deeper than flesh. And that pain, we cannot run from. We are going to have to deal with it sooner or later. My soul is wounded. Only Christ, only love can fix this. But we need physical love in complement to spiritual love. Without it, we cannot understand the concept of a God who loves us unconditionally. We need physical love to remind us that we are human, made in the image of God. But when we are not just deprived of this love but treated in terrible ways in the name of love, it becomes so destructive. We crave love. But yet, we push it away because it is threatening to us. We cannot have it because it is terrifying. And it is terrifying that we cannot have it. Our souls are damaged because love was replaced by fear. And that is not a choice. In spite of the pain I feel, I choose to forgive. I choose to forgive because they’re close to me. I choose to forgive them in spite of the fact that they knew exactly what they were doing and still, thirty years later, have not admitted their sin or repented. Read that sentence a couple of times. Not out of spite, do I say that. Rather out of emphasis. I forgive them because I can have empathy. But the pain and hurt we feel is very real. The pain we feel, we cannot simply push aside. We cannot simply run away from our problems and hurts. We need to confront them. Because if we don’t, these issues will just get worse. Like an alcoholic, if left unchecked in his alcoholism, will only deteriorate. This is what I am actively doing right now. I am healing. And if that seems like I am withholding forgiveness, forgive me. I am not withholding forgiveness. I am making the conscious decision to heal from my wounds. I am making a conscious decision to confront my problems head on. The most important element of healing is going into your wounds, opening them up and exploring them. Going into your past and exploring it. Going into your thoughts and exploring them. But I will not stop my healing recovery and journey. I am so much better than I was. And I owe that to Christ and to my desire to heal of the problems I have. I desire to heal. We must not run from our feelings. Please have patience. I am not a bad person. I am a victim. And I am not of a victim mindset. Even though, I have grown up, literally being a victim of many, many ‘crimes’. In spite of anything you may hear to the contrary, the rape victim is the only victim of rape in a case of rape. Please remember who committed the crime(s). Again, I am not saying these things out of anger. I just feel it’s necessary to remind you of these facts, which are entirely reasonable. In spite of everything, I choose to forgive. I am trying so hard. I am just healing. Something we all need to do. And I absolutely recognize that it is all for the glory of God. Please, just have compassion on those suffering. Please, have mercy. People should absolutely forgive each other. My situation is very unique and doesn’t happen all of the time. My circumstance is unique in that the wrongdoings done to me were done for nearly two decades. The duration of which and the severe nature of the crimes done to me, as a child are what make that so bad. Forgiveness is absolutely the ideal. There is a reason I offer forgiveness in the face of an unforgivable crime. In spite of everything, I choose to forgive. And it is not through myself that that forgiveness was possible. I choose to forgive them in spite of the fact that they knew exactly what they were doing and still, thirty years later, have not admitted their sin or repented. Read that sentence a couple of times. Not out of spite, do I say that. Rather out of emphasis. I forgive them because I can have empathy. But the pain and hurt we feel is very real. The pain we feel, we cannot simply push aside. We cannot simply run away from our problems and hurts. We need to confront them. Because if we don’t, these issues will just get worse. Like an alcoholic, if left unchecked in his alcoholism, will only deteriorate. This is what I am actively doing right now. I am healing. And if that seems like I am withholding forgiveness, forgive me. I am not withholding forgiveness. I am making the conscious decision to heal from my wounds. I am making a conscious decision to confront my problems head on. The most important element of healing is going into your wounds, opening them up and exploring them. Going into your past and exploring it. Going into your thoughts and exploring them. But I will not stop my healing recovery and journey. I am so much better than I was. And I owe that to Christ and to my desire to heal of the problems I have. I desire to heal. We must not run from our feelings. Please have patience. I am not a bad person. I am the victim. And I am not of a victim mindset. Even though, I have grown up, literally being a victim of many, many ‘crimes’. And I assure you that I am the only victim, I am the only one suffering from being a rape and abuse victim in my situation. In no way are they who raped me, victims of the crimes they committed against me. In spite of anything you may hear to the contrary, the rape victim is the only victim of rape in a case of rape. Please remember who committed the crime(s). Again, I am not saying these things out of anger. I just feel it’s necessary to remind you of these facts, which are entirely reasonable. In spite of everything, I choose to forgive. I am trying so hard. I am just healing. Something we all need to do. And I absolutely recognize that it is all for the glory of God. Please, just have compassion on those suffering. Please, have mercy.

Monday, August 7, 2017

Lying and child sexual abuse

Lying is often a coping mechanism fostered by abuse survivors. The following are excerpts from a forum post that I found online, which explain better than I can, mostly because I have stopped lying, why this happens. “I am a 51 year old survivor of child sexual, physical, emotional and psychological abuse. I have developed many coping mechanisms over the years, and I think the one that has been the most destructive is the 'false self' I developed; a part of that being a compulsive liar. The first and biggest lie was that the abuse really didn't happen. For me, being told not to tell anyone also taught me to lie. Being told I was worthless and will never be good for anything taught me that I had to be something other than who I was. I began to tell elaborate lies about myself, my accomplishments, my social and professional dealings, and personal history. I was starved for the attention and approval I so desperately needed, so I fabricated ways to get those needs met. I don't know exactly when I began to lose myself to the shame and guilt of what happened to me, but I developed the persona that I thought was what I should be, seemingly open and friendly on the surface, but always hiding the person I really was. After awhile my true self began to dissolve and crumble under the weight of my life of lies, and I actually began to believe them as truth. I lied about things that really didn't even matter. I lied about nothing and anything... all the time aware that they were lies, but I had become so afraid to be honest because somehow it would make me vulnerable. I had woven a tapestry of deceit, and the thought of it becoming shredded and thread-barren by the truth prevented me from developing intimate, honest relationships. It was so much easier to lie than to face reality! My father died 8 weeks ago, and somehow I always believed that once he was gone I would be free from this living hell of guilt, shame, and self-destruction and would finally be able to reveal my true self. I was wrong. Not only is the chance that I could confront him someday about the abuse gone, but I no longer have anyone to blame! I cannot go on this way anymore. I just can't. My life of lies has made me so sick inside that I can no longer live like this. I am ready to take full responsibility and be accountable for the damage my lying has caused, not just to myself but to those who's lives have been affected. Innocent people's lives. My first thought was to come clean... totally. I wanted to tell my husband everything, at all cost. I started to, but it just sent him reeling with fear and panic. He has become obsessed with trying to diagnose me from online sources, and has come up with everything from labeling me with Borderline Personality to Narcissism, and more. He has started a complete background check on me... sorting through my personal files, mail, old bank and IRS records, calling my friends and family to confirm whether or not I am telling the truth. He interrogates me starting with the minute he gets home until I can no longer even respond coherently. I have an appointment with a psychiatrist tomorrow, and was told by the counselor I spoke to at the clinic that I should NOT tell him everything right now... that I need to wait until I have a clearer understanding of what's wrong with me and a plan towards a treatment before I can deal with the ramifications and consequences of being honest 'too much, too soon'. I need help, not condemnation. I don't know where to turn or what I can do to let my husband know how much I love him and how sorry I am. I feel so guilty and hopeless at this time, that I wish I was dead... but that would just be running away from the pain. I think I need to feel this pain so I can heal. I want my life to be worth something real.” Quote from my book: “I felt humiliated and defeated. The fact that I was being accused of lying stung my heart, especially since I was telling the truth. I could not connect the incident at the show and tell with this.” Don’t deny people’s abilities to change. We shouldn’t be looking as much at someone’s history when we judge them. We should be looking at who they are now. Symptoms as opposed to character traits. “I think it is very difficult to expect a child going through so much to be perfect. The adult is always the one who makes the decision in cases of abuse. They can bring up everything bad that I have done. There will not be a shortage. I was stumbled from day one. I think it is very difficult to expect a child going through so much to be perfect. When you see a child doing those sort of things, it is more than often a symptom of something going on. It is more than often never a character trait. The adult is always the one who makes the decision in cases of abuse. Abuse is never the child’s fault.” I’ve come a long way in my own personal enlightenment. I have been trying very hard to be righteous, even knowing that I can’t be perfect. It feels reasonable but definitely unfair that my history should be brought out. Remember who reported this crime. Remember the fact that for the most part, I was a child too. It does not excuse it. Remember my message. Things may seem like they’re struggling at the moment. But with God, everything works together for the good. Sometimes not in the ways you’d expect. But truth will be revealed. They can bring up everything bad that I have done. There will not be a shortage. I was stumbled from day one. I think it is very difficult to expect a child going through so much to be perfect. The adult is always the one who makes the decision in cases of abuse. They can bring up everything bad that I have done. There will not be a shortage. I was stumbled from day one. I think it is very difficult to expect a child going through so much to be perfect. When you see a child doing those sort of things, it is more than often a symptom of something going on. It is more than often never a character trait. The adult is always the one who makes the decision in cases of abuse. Abuse is never the child’s fault. http://www.secasa.com.au/pages/is-the-child-victim-of-sexual-abuse-telling-the-truth/ Read this carefully. If you are willing. Christ changes people. I don’t know entirely at the moment whether people believe me. I wish you could see how incredibly painful for me it is to be called crazy. It’s revictimizing to have truth so obscured. At the same time, I need to be understanding of your perspective. And it’s not your fault. Believe me, I understand. I am praying a lot lately. I pray before and after entering the Word. I am trying to make prayer more of a continual habit. I want to keep my prayers between myself and God. Just to say that I have noticed a shift in my prayer. You’ve all been through so much. Just remember that there is a reason. The right thing will happen. Truth will come out. Really, this is terribly unfair that that information is coming out before what happened to me. Regardless, when truth comes out, you will know that God is real. And a God of love. Just remember what I have been through. What I have already been through. I have come a very long way in my own recovery from this as well as the physical recuperation from that traumatic brain injury. I say traumatic because I don’t want to deny what it was. I have seen numerous counselors and have spent about a year as a participant of a support group called the Gatehouse. Actually, I am volunteering there now to help others confront the sexual violence in their past and to transform it into positive healing energy. All of this has affected me in so many ways. Believe me when I say I care about you. But I will tell my truth. I know you’re having a difficult time with everything that has happened. Believe me, I am having a much more difficult time with it. I have to acknowledge how far I have come. In years past – in months past, I would have been so debilitated at the thought of writing an email like this that my body probably wouldn’t have allowed me. As much as I am concerned for you and about you, this has to be said. I understand you love me. I never said you didn’t. I love you too. Mom, you once asked me how I could express my love so freely to someone who I felt hurt me so much. I don’t entirely have an answer for that. All I know is that there is something inside of me, in my heart that empathizes with others who have hurt me. There’s something in my heart that longs for the salvation and repentance of those who hurt me. In my heart, I just want people to live in and walk in the light. I’m not angry at you. In spite of everything that I believe, I extend to you my deepest of love and mercy. I want you to know that regardless of everything I am claiming, I love you both very much. And I hope we can still speak at times. But, I set a boundary when I spoke with dad a year ago that if I am to speak with you, you cannot bring up this issue. As neither do I. It’s really not my fault, the estrangement that has happened. Again, being involved in victim advocacy, I hope you can understand why this is traumatic for me. What I can do is speak about what I have experienced. I know how hard this must be for you too. I hope you see how hard I am trying to forgive. I want so much to have a relationship with you. It’s difficult on a number of levels. First, the enormity of problems, emotional, spiritual and physical created by this kind of abuse. Second, it’s difficult, on account of the previous point made, to forgive because you will not acknowledge this. The reason I am not giving up on you, calling you and offering my forgiveness, love and prayers is because I genuinely care about you. I love you. I have extended that to you countless times. What can I do? What is concealed is meant to be revealed. But you need to know that what you did was wrong. It has to be said. And I am not to blame for what you did to me. Truth will be revealed. No matter how bad things get, I know for a fact that I am loved. And my God gives me strength. You know what the beautiful thing is? God loves you as well. Jesus died for your sins too. Let what has been done for you into the light of day. Repent. I am ending this with some quotes from my book. I hope it will make sense to you at some point. God bless you. I want to do the right thing. And I will keep fighting for the truth. And that I was only a child. I didn’t deserve this to have been done to me. Some problems need to be confronted. Others, we can move past boldly without saying anything. This is pure evil. Child abuse is absolute evil. There’s a cycle that perpetuates. Until people who have been wounded in these intimate ways at a developmental stage confront, either through healing or disclosure, the trauma and shame in their hearts will continue to have an influence, consciously or subconsciously upon everything they do in this life. I’m definitely not implying others have gone through this sort of thing. I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. I am not looking for pity. I just have to do what I feel is right. Let me say very generally, that the reputation, what a person has done and said in their lives should not be questioned when coming forward about a case like the one I am. When parents begin molesting and treating vilely a child in its infancy, it is little doubt – nor should anyone be surprised – when that child grows up and has difficulties. I think it is plaid that something like that will affect a person and the path they choose later in life. Even the strongest animal, a lion or elephant, when continually kicked, shamed and abused will learn to lower its head. I have confessed a lot of things I have been through, terrible, shameful things that most people would be content not sharing openly with the world. I have also confessed some bad things I have done. But I recognize why I did these things and as sincerely as I was able, which was enough for me to change, apologized and repented.

Saturday, July 1, 2017

Free!

I feel so free! Gratitude is my guide, nurturing all that I long to be. I am not alone anymore; I'm not that little child within me. Though it feels like I am living a dream, birds around me take flight. Even birds that do not fly are flying away. Motivation is my guide, leading me nearer to free. I do what I can, the best that I can with what belongs to me. I want to be me, the best I can be. When things get tough, I know that won't stop me. Because I have something bigger, something more powerful on my side. Because I know that God is rooting. A way to turn a test, a trial into a blessing is by learning to trust thee. The best solution is not always expediency. But, in keeping a close enough eye on the ends that I can fully be present in the means, in the trials, so I can be nearer liberty. Knowing that my God gave me not a spirit of fear. But of power, of love, a sound mind and dignity. I can feel this, in my drive to be free, merging within me. The strings of my destiny calling me to liberate myself of the wounds, pains and scars that oppress me. I will call upon you, remembering fully your grace, that by your great love, you have redeemed us. And that by your great mercy, you have forgiven us. And that by your great charity, you have called us. To worship you for eternity. I feel so free because of what you did for me; the price you paid for me set me free. With birds flying all around us. But then I realize, it's hardly about me. It's about you. About how you suffered and died for me. Which is why I will praise you for all of eternity. Fully One in three, the Holy Trinity.

Sunday, June 25, 2017

Is the victim of child sexual abuse telling the truth?

“Repost from: http://www.secasa.com.au/pages/is-the-child-victim-of-sexual-abuse-telling-the-truth/ Who has the most to lose? The victim The evaluator needs to approach an allegation of sexual abuse with a clear understanding of who has a vested interest in lying and who in telling the truth. The victim places herself in considerable jeopardy as a result of telling the truth. She may be rejected by the perpetrator and ostracised by her family. She may be "punished" by placement in foster care or an institution. Her family may he torn apart, and she may see herself as responsible for its demise. She will have to tell the intimate details of her story to many people. Both the shame and guilt for having been involved in the sexual abuse, and the feeling of being responsible for any negative consequences to the family may inhibit her from telling. If the case goes to court, she may have to describe the intimate details of the abuse to strangers with the perpetrator facing her, and she may be subjected to harsh cross-examination by the perpetrator's attorney. Frequently the perpetrator will threaten the victim with some of these consequences and urge her not to tell. Children in such a situation feel helpless in the face of a powerful adult. Because of the anticipated consequences, victims may keep the secret for months and sometimes years [3, 4]. Delay in the report of sexual abuse, therefore, is to be expected and ought not to be seen as a reason to questioning veracity of the allegation. It is especially likely when there is a close personal relationship between the victim and the perpetrator. Nor is it uncommon for a child to reveal that she has been sexually abused, and then retract her story as she experiences the negative consequences of telling for herself and her family [5]. The perpetrator For his part, the perpetrator has everything to lose if the child's story is believed, and thus, in most cases will deny he has sexually abused the child when indeed he has. He will likely face rejection by the immediate family and the extended family as well. Especially in father-daughter incest cases, divorce may ensue. In some instances, his employment may be in jeopardy. If the abuse is incest, he has reason to fear the juvenile court which may deprive him of his child, impose treatment, and intrude in other ways into the family. The perpetrator has even more cause to fear the criminal court, where he may be tried for criminal sexual conduct and sent to prison, or at least placed on probation. In addition to the practical consequences of admission are the psychological ones. Many perpetrators are so ashamed of their behavior that they cannot admit it. For some the shame is so great they will continue to deny in the face of overwhelming evidence. Furthermore, a substantial percentage of sexual abusers are to some extent character disordered; these men may lie, and lie convincingly and persistently over a period of months and even years. In their endeavor to persuade the decision maker of their innocence, they may enlist the help of family and friends. Mothers Mothers may also have a lot to lose if the victim's allegation is believed, particularly in father/daughter incest cases. First, to acknowledge the incest exists may be regarded by the mother as an indictment of her as a mother and a spouse. This may be so painful that "putting on blinders" is a more tolerable solution. Moreover, sexual abuse often develops when there are deficiencies in the sexual relationship between perpetrator (spouse or boyfriend) and mother. She may not want a sexual relationship with the perpetrator. Usually unconsciously, but sometimes consciously, she may facilitate the movement of the daughter into the incestuous relationship. Thus, even though she may not recognise them, there may be costs for the mother if the sexual abuse ends [6, 7]. The mother may also be facing more concrete and practical problems, for instance, financial dependency on the perpetrator. If she has to expel him or if he goes to prison, she may have to seek other means of support. This can include going on Aid for Families with Dependent Children (AFDC), or seeking employment when she has never worked or has not worked in years. Finally, should her spouse leave or be incarcerated, she will lose tile emotional support he may have provided. To an outsider this may not seem much, but frequently he will be all the mother has, and she will not be able to imagine life without him. Many mothers of incest victims suffer from low self-esteem, and are very dependent upon their partners. They may choose their partners over their children if forced to choose one or the other. Because of these dynamics, mothers of sex abuse victims often do not believe their daughters' allegations, ignore them when they are made, or try to deal with the problem without bringing in outside help. Alternatively, they may initially side with the child, but then switch their loyalties, and side with the perpetrator as they experience the practical consequences of the spouse's anger and/or loss of the spouse.”

Sunday, April 30, 2017

Prophet

Neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all of creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord” (Romans 8:39). This made me really reflect over the life that I have lived. I don’t think that anyone can argue against that I have had a difficult life. Regardless of how bad things get, I am choosing to be grateful, knowing for a fact that God has loved me greatly, sacrificing a lot for me and everyone else. I know I will be rewarded according to what I deserve in accord with the truth. I’m not necessarily looking for attention with all of this. But it is because of what I have been through and endured that I was chosen. And I will stand to my death with the truth of what I have been through. Because it is such a big part of who I am today. I know that because of how far this has gone, I do not deserve the glory that I was initially promised. Yet, still, I have faith that I will be glorified ten times what was initially prepared when God and His divine Son are glorified. Part of me questions what would have happened had I have had the emotional ability to put an end to what they were doing when I was a child. I don’t think anyone can call me weak. Those who say these things have no idea what it has taken for me to get where I am today. Also, what I have been through. But, I sincerely pray that God can have mercy on me through the work of Christ Jesus in the knowledge of how much I have lived through. I pray that you can have mercy. I am humbled by the knowledge that God deserves the glory of my life and sufferings. I admit humbly and with a heart of repentance that I have struggled greatly with pride in my past. In my book, I dwelt in my sufferings and in myself but it is for a reason. For this is a part of the will of the Almighty that was revealed to me through Christ: that people should be made aware of how these crimes affect the human being, that things done to children affect them for their lives. And that therefore, we must treat and nourish children as tender roots in their infancy. God very much wants to use our children for the advancement of His Kingdom. Through my writings and in my journals, I am not boasting but rather emphasizing the sufferings, the full extent of which, and the full trauma of which, have not yet been made clear to you all, that I have come to praise as having endured for Christ and the feelings that resulted so that others may see how trauma affects all of us. The purpose of my journals are to display how thankful I am for what God has done in my life and that His grace has indeed changed me. Though, God only ever wanted my happiness, love and glory and joy, my life is not over. And I will continue to work my hardest to live life in the way that I want to live as opposed to having my experiences dictated by fear. I am not only proud to have been called to live for God but overjoyed in the sufferings that I have endured, that is, if it is His will now to use me. It is my prayer that with my death, with what remains, I am able to glorify Him as He so rightly and justly deserves. But, “If I must boast, I will boast of the things that show my weakness” (2 Corinthians 11:30). I have no intent of glorifying myself or in boasting about the works that I have done over the course of my life. Rather, through my good deeds and the sufferings that I have endured in this life, I am able to glorify God. Over my life, every good deed I have committed came from my heart not out of a desire to please my God, but rather I committed them because it is my God and Lord who pleases me. To me, the works I did, did not matter because, to me, Christ put those works on my heart. They made me feel good because I was doing them for God. If I have to boast about anything, it would surely be that in face of everything that has significantly hurt me or, which had the potential to significantly hurt me over the course of my life, I have turned my cheek in love and humility. Here, I’m not speaking about small things. Here, I’m speaking about rape, violent assaults and blatant attacks on my life and well-being from people who were and remain very close to my heart. If I have anything to boast about, it is surely in the Christ who has given hope where no hope existed. It is through Him that I have a chance. I can only boast in the love and faith I have held on to through the sufferings I have endured for the sake of the cross of Jesus. I cannot boast in any glory but the glory that God, the Father has offered me. . . We all have access to the Holy Bible. I pray that you are not tempted into disbelieving my testimony because of the Truth of the Word of God and because of its unchanging nature. I assure you that I speak nothing other than the Gospel of Christ in love and truth and that any understatement on my part is only a result of the suffering I have endured as well as the mistakes that I myself have made as well as my limited language with which to express the things I know. The Apostle Paul was a great man and fully convicted in the faith. He was very vigilant about the Way. This had to be. And he was rightly glorified. Just as this has to be now. I have only told you the truth that comes from my heart. Still, I do not expect any of you to believe in my testimony until God has proven it as what He desires. “They have seen false visions and lying divinations. They say, ‘Declares the Lord,’ when the Lord has not sent them, and yet they expect him to fulfill their word” (Ezekiel 13:6). I am not asking you to believe now, just that you have faith and compassion and understanding. If it is His will, it will be made clear. For the Word of God is immutable and unchangeable unless God chooses to make it so. God’s heart is loving and eternally unchanging but it is evident in the Bible of passages that suggest God changes His mind on a temporal level: "So the Lord changed His mind about the harm which He said He would do to His people." (Exodus 32:14). In cases of sin and repentance, God can change His mind. We see this in the Garden of Eden as well as with the Christ. With human free will and as God learns about us by our decisions, God can change His mind. Other areas of the Scripture are sufficient but not entirely clear. I speak only what has been instructed me from God. I believe it because I have faith. What is the purpose of a prophet? It was either to defend, to call for a return or the application of a new, word of God. Just have faith. I have run from Him far too many times in my life because of the weight on my heart and only want so much to do the will of God now. Keep faith. . . Saw a meme today saying that if something’s of God, it comes smoothly. If it’s not, there is a lot of confusion surrounding it. Though there are examples of that in Scripture, like King David, most prophets of God live lives of struggle and tumult. The Apostles knew this well. We are meant to carry our Cross daily. Though God only intended the early years of my life to be difficult, I have continued to struggle because of disobedience. And that I was not able to overcome during that coma. I don’t deserve what is happening right now. None of you do. Even my abusers. I hope they are able to accept the truth when it comes easily. “For in this hope we were saved. But hope that is seen is no hope at all. Who hopes for what they already have? But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently” (Romans 8:24,25). I just want to assure you with my conscience that I am not lying. My conscience through the Spirit of God confirms it. And I will stand by the Truth of Jesus Christ until the end. Need to remember to stay vulnerable. I need to fight for myself. Knowing what I have been through.

Friday, April 28, 2017

Grateful!

The truth is that I am a beautiful, loving creature of God, who has simply been hurt. I am starting to see the truth that I am very special to God. That the only escape from the paradox of life is the Lord Jesus Christ. I am so endlessly thankful today for His love for us and His grace that He so freely pours out on our world. How can I have joy when I am always in crippling pain? He is there with me even in the middle of that pain. How can I serve when I am always in crippling pain? He is there with me in the middle of that pain. The more that I see this life as a preparation for life in the Kingdom, the more I am able to see the beauty in small things in which I never would have taken a second look at. Realizing that it is not our God who creates this pain is so incredibly encouraging. I am grateful in the midst of a world that wants to destroy spirits, we have a God who loves us so much and desires to bring us to this truth. What a beautiful God who would love us in spite of our disobedience. What an amazing God who would love us when no one else is willing to love us. He loves us because He can see the truth of who we are. He doesn’t look at the surface. I am so thankful that while I am alive, there is a chance to improve and change. I am thankful for the people of God. There is an assertive and solemn correction in the body when I have strayed and a silent rejoicing when I am living on the path. I am thankful for a world that is eager and desiring to believe in this loving, compassionate and forgiving God who is foreign to them. Praise God for the fact that this will end with them rejoicing.

Friday, February 10, 2017

In examination:

I forgive you. Still, all of this silence and the fact that people aren’t coming to my defence is really hurtful and deeply perpetuates the shame that I feel in believing that there must have been something I have done to deserve what happened to me. Even though I understand and empathize with people who knew, I can’t help but feel really hurt. I can’t tell you how alone I feel. Facts are not truth. The evil one is skilled at covering up truth, which clearly includes covering up facts. Truth will come out. Remember these two things. Nothing bad and born of darkness is impossible in the darkness. This world belongs, though temporarily, to the evil one. Everything for the good and that which is illuminating is possible in God. There is a reason all of this is so obscured right now. There is also a reason my experiences seem so preposterous. I’m just saying that it is very understandable to me that there are a lot of limitations that I have after living through so much trauma. This is not an excuse. It’s a reason. You already know I want to. But I may not be able to do some things in the way that healthy people are able to. I’m just asking you to have reasonable and appropriate empathy. Here’s a thought for you. Everybody has the capacity to suffer on equal levels in this world. Though, some suffer a great deal more than others. Would we expect a person with no legs to ‘run’ a leg race? That’s preposterous. Certain things happen to people, which prevent them from doing other things as efficiently. That doesn’t mean that they don’t want to. Though they have not stopped them from trying, they just have physical or emotional or even psychological limitations because of experiences that have shaped them. At the same time, I have forged forward and come lightyears from where I once was. And I have conquered a lot of battles. Bear in mind that I am not just a rape and sexual abuse survivor. I survived that all my young life. I also survived a terrible, terrible injury to my brain. Okay, it’s a complicated thought. But I hope you get the picture. You know how I feel. The darkness is very real. Repression of realizations that are too traumatic to deal with is not fantasy. The mind is very skilled at protecting itself from potentially damaging truths. This is not exclusive to me. Though I’m not saying that anyone else has been through trauma similar to mine, even witnessing something this troubling can be a reason for the mind to shut off to it. You know how I feel. The body doesn’t lie. There are so many symptoms that cannot be attributed to that injury. Like my not only fear, but extreme aversion to sexuality when I was younger. A fact that I had absolutely no explanation for until I realized what my abusers were doing was wrong. I realize this must be discouraging for you. Truth is certainly coming out. I need to pray for insight about what’s next. I know there is still a way for your world to rejoice. All of this silence is just going to make the truth that much more valuable when it comes out. Your world is hurting right now. Healing is coming. Rest is coming. In whatever has to follow, please know that while I am here, I will continue to encourage, to explain and to help. Even if it’s in darkness, I am prepared to be a pillar. This has not changed nor will it. Truth will come out. If you are willing, keep faith, please. I know it’s difficult to believe in something without corroboration, especially coming from a man who is as emotionally scarred as I am. There’s a powerful statement that goes that out of the most damaging wounds and deepest scars, emerge the most beautiful souls. I guess I know now that I do not deserve a lot of the things God has offered me. But I have faith that He will give me more than what I deserve on the day of my judgement because of His great love. I am not asking you to have faith in me. Have faith in God’s capacity of love. We can focus on the bad things in life, the things we don’t have. Have you ever paused to think about how great your life is? To think about the amazing gift you’ve been given. Lately I have been going through an awful lot of reflecting. Some of it has been positive. But a lot of it has been negative. I want you to know that we have a right to our feelings, to feel discouraged and hurt. And that whatever we are feeling, there is reason for why we feel. This is human. But it’s so very important to return to the absolute certainty that you are loved. We need to explore these recesses of hurt. But with the foundation of love and hope for the future. I know this is difficult for you to believe me. It’s difficult for me to know a truth and have it clouded in obscurity to the rest. The darkness is strong here. But people make choices in this life, which we will be held accountable for sooner or later. Don’t misunderstand the reasons people do things. I just have faith that there is a reason to this. And that when it’s the right time, it will be revealed. And I have faith in my God. Please just remember to have compassion on people who are having difficulty in life, for there is a reason. There is always a reason. Please have compassion. The key to this is taking this shame and offering it to Jesus. But we need to heal the wounds created. Only the love of Jesus can do this. I know this process is difficult for people. I wish you could see how it’s all affecting me. Very few people would be willing to place their most dark and shameful experiences, awful experiences, which shaped them in so many ways before the entire world to judge, empathize with or in a lot of cases criticize. I am being very open with my wounds. I am telling the truth. I realize to you there is little reason to care. I realize that I don’t deserve your trust. But this is my life. There are reasons for all of this. I’m just sorry that I couldn’t have been stronger. I pray it will become clear. This is not just about me. I will not give up while there is Spirit in my flesh. I have faith that Christ will lead me to the end of my journey. Realizing that I have a choice. Not over the events of my early life; but I absolutely have a choice now. Realizing this has encouraged me to keep a positive attitude – to not listen to others who are saying I can’t do it. I have a choice, by meditating on and embracing the Truth of Scripture and of God. The Truth of love. I’m not giving up. I guess I don’t expect you to believe me now until there is corroboration. Facts are not truth. Nothing is impossible. What I am saying is not a confession. Neither is it an accusation. Rather, it was a testimony. I only crave the truth. There is a reason this is all obscured. Things will not end here. Truth will certainly come out… Just open your hearts. Whatever happens, I know it will be for the glory of God and for the benefit of all. I’ve done everything, everything I could possibly do. All I can do now is have faith, continue to pray and continue to act in love. The rest is in God’s hands. I am prepared to stand accountable for how I have hardened my heart. Things will certainly change. I will continue to encourage. I am strong enough. I will not give up. For our world to rejoice. No one has the right to tell you what you have or have not experienced in this life. But don’t pretend as though what I have been saying doesn’t exist. Regardless, truth will come out. Light will triumph. Darkness will fall. Sin and death are already dead. Christ will return. There’s a lot of darkness in our world right now. It will only last for a while longer. Then, we will have the choice. God bless you, my beautiful world and friends. Apparently, this is going to come as quite a surprise. I know that in your subconscious, you are storing up how great this will truly be. Do not be sad for me. I am at rest. I forgive you. Certainly, facts are truth as we are conscious of what truth is at any given moment. I agree with you, to a degree. Believe me, I agree with you that facts are very important. Feelings, though massively important, are not the only thing that’s important. The fact that the earth was believed to have been flat, though considered by most to be a mistaken belief these days, was fact at the time. Because observable evidence gave way to that conclusion. I agree with you that evidence is always important. Sometimes, there is evidence. Just not in the manner in which we seek it. Read those two sentences again. Let’s consider: A Vietnam War vet, who, having been traumatized terribly in battle completely represses any memory of his experience. Does this mean it didn’t happen? Another instance to consider, perhaps cliché but still very appropriate: If a tree falls in the woods and no one is around to hear it, did it, in fact, fall? What happens behind closed doors, often stays behind closed doors. That's how the evil one works. In darkness. “Facts can switch in an instant; with a new discovery, with a new method of reasoning or with a new memory.” “. . . And do you not remember?” Jn 8:18 Please remember! Remember, whatever happens, this is not about me. It was. Because of the extent of trauma I endured. The right thing will happen for the world. If I am crazy, what does it matter? If it’s of God, it will come. I hope at a point, you can see how much faith this took. Facts are not truth. What is Truth? Truth is the love of God.