Lying and child sexual abuse

Lying is often a coping mechanism fostered by abuse survivors. The following are excerpts from a forum post that I found online, which explain better than I can, mostly because I have stopped lying, why this happens. “I am a 51 year old survivor of child sexual, physical, emotional and psychological abuse. I have developed many coping mechanisms over the years, and I think the one that has been the most destructive is the 'false self' I developed; a part of that being a compulsive liar. The first and biggest lie was that the abuse really didn't happen. For me, being told not to tell anyone also taught me to lie. Being told I was worthless and will never be good for anything taught me that I had to be something other than who I was. I began to tell elaborate lies about myself, my accomplishments, my social and professional dealings, and personal history. I was starved for the attention and approval I so desperately needed, so I fabricated ways to get those needs met. I don't know exactly when I began to lose myself to the shame and guilt of what happened to me, but I developed the persona that I thought was what I should be, seemingly open and friendly on the surface, but always hiding the person I really was. After awhile my true self began to dissolve and crumble under the weight of my life of lies, and I actually began to believe them as truth. I lied about things that really didn't even matter. I lied about nothing and anything... all the time aware that they were lies, but I had become so afraid to be honest because somehow it would make me vulnerable. I had woven a tapestry of deceit, and the thought of it becoming shredded and thread-barren by the truth prevented me from developing intimate, honest relationships. It was so much easier to lie than to face reality! My father died 8 weeks ago, and somehow I always believed that once he was gone I would be free from this living hell of guilt, shame, and self-destruction and would finally be able to reveal my true self. I was wrong. Not only is the chance that I could confront him someday about the abuse gone, but I no longer have anyone to blame! I cannot go on this way anymore. I just can't. My life of lies has made me so sick inside that I can no longer live like this. I am ready to take full responsibility and be accountable for the damage my lying has caused, not just to myself but to those who's lives have been affected. Innocent people's lives. My first thought was to come clean... totally. I wanted to tell my husband everything, at all cost. I started to, but it just sent him reeling with fear and panic. He has become obsessed with trying to diagnose me from online sources, and has come up with everything from labeling me with Borderline Personality to Narcissism, and more. He has started a complete background check on me... sorting through my personal files, mail, old bank and IRS records, calling my friends and family to confirm whether or not I am telling the truth. He interrogates me starting with the minute he gets home until I can no longer even respond coherently. I have an appointment with a psychiatrist tomorrow, and was told by the counselor I spoke to at the clinic that I should NOT tell him everything right now... that I need to wait until I have a clearer understanding of what's wrong with me and a plan towards a treatment before I can deal with the ramifications and consequences of being honest 'too much, too soon'. I need help, not condemnation. I don't know where to turn or what I can do to let my husband know how much I love him and how sorry I am. I feel so guilty and hopeless at this time, that I wish I was dead... but that would just be running away from the pain. I think I need to feel this pain so I can heal. I want my life to be worth something real.” Quote from my book: “I felt humiliated and defeated. The fact that I was being accused of lying stung my heart, especially since I was telling the truth. I could not connect the incident at the show and tell with this.” Don’t deny people’s abilities to change. We shouldn’t be looking as much at someone’s history when we judge them. We should be looking at who they are now. Symptoms as opposed to character traits. “I think it is very difficult to expect a child going through so much to be perfect. The adult is always the one who makes the decision in cases of abuse. They can bring up everything bad that I have done. There will not be a shortage. I was stumbled from day one. I think it is very difficult to expect a child going through so much to be perfect. When you see a child doing those sort of things, it is more than often a symptom of something going on. It is more than often never a character trait. The adult is always the one who makes the decision in cases of abuse. Abuse is never the child’s fault.” I’ve come a long way in my own personal enlightenment. I have been trying very hard to be righteous, even knowing that I can’t be perfect. It feels reasonable but definitely unfair that my history should be brought out. Remember who reported this crime. Remember the fact that for the most part, I was a child too. It does not excuse it. Remember my message. Things may seem like they’re struggling at the moment. But with God, everything works together for the good. Sometimes not in the ways you’d expect. But truth will be revealed. They can bring up everything bad that I have done. There will not be a shortage. I was stumbled from day one. I think it is very difficult to expect a child going through so much to be perfect. The adult is always the one who makes the decision in cases of abuse. They can bring up everything bad that I have done. There will not be a shortage. I was stumbled from day one. I think it is very difficult to expect a child going through so much to be perfect. When you see a child doing those sort of things, it is more than often a symptom of something going on. It is more than often never a character trait. The adult is always the one who makes the decision in cases of abuse. Abuse is never the child’s fault. http://www.secasa.com.au/pages/is-the-child-victim-of-sexual-abuse-telling-the-truth/ Read this carefully. If you are willing. Christ changes people. I don’t know entirely at the moment whether people believe me. I wish you could see how incredibly painful for me it is to be called crazy. It’s revictimizing to have truth so obscured. At the same time, I need to be understanding of your perspective. And it’s not your fault. Believe me, I understand. I am praying a lot lately. I pray before and after entering the Word. I am trying to make prayer more of a continual habit. I want to keep my prayers between myself and God. Just to say that I have noticed a shift in my prayer. You’ve all been through so much. Just remember that there is a reason. The right thing will happen. Truth will come out. Really, this is terribly unfair that that information is coming out before what happened to me. Regardless, when truth comes out, you will know that God is real. And a God of love. Just remember what I have been through. What I have already been through. I have come a very long way in my own recovery from this as well as the physical recuperation from that traumatic brain injury. I say traumatic because I don’t want to deny what it was. I have seen numerous counselors and have spent about a year as a participant of a support group called the Gatehouse. Actually, I am volunteering there now to help others confront the sexual violence in their past and to transform it into positive healing energy. All of this has affected me in so many ways. Believe me when I say I care about you. But I will tell my truth. I know you’re having a difficult time with everything that has happened. Believe me, I am having a much more difficult time with it. I have to acknowledge how far I have come. In years past – in months past, I would have been so debilitated at the thought of writing an email like this that my body probably wouldn’t have allowed me. As much as I am concerned for you and about you, this has to be said. I understand you love me. I never said you didn’t. I love you too. Mom, you once asked me how I could express my love so freely to someone who I felt hurt me so much. I don’t entirely have an answer for that. All I know is that there is something inside of me, in my heart that empathizes with others who have hurt me. There’s something in my heart that longs for the salvation and repentance of those who hurt me. In my heart, I just want people to live in and walk in the light. I’m not angry at you. In spite of everything that I believe, I extend to you my deepest of love and mercy. I want you to know that regardless of everything I am claiming, I love you both very much. And I hope we can still speak at times. But, I set a boundary when I spoke with dad a year ago that if I am to speak with you, you cannot bring up this issue. As neither do I. It’s really not my fault, the estrangement that has happened. Again, being involved in victim advocacy, I hope you can understand why this is traumatic for me. What I can do is speak about what I have experienced. I know how hard this must be for you too. I hope you see how hard I am trying to forgive. I want so much to have a relationship with you. It’s difficult on a number of levels. First, the enormity of problems, emotional, spiritual and physical created by this kind of abuse. Second, it’s difficult, on account of the previous point made, to forgive because you will not acknowledge this. The reason I am not giving up on you, calling you and offering my forgiveness, love and prayers is because I genuinely care about you. I love you. I have extended that to you countless times. What can I do? What is concealed is meant to be revealed. But you need to know that what you did was wrong. It has to be said. And I am not to blame for what you did to me. Truth will be revealed. No matter how bad things get, I know for a fact that I am loved. And my God gives me strength. You know what the beautiful thing is? God loves you as well. Jesus died for your sins too. Let what has been done for you into the light of day. Repent. I am ending this with some quotes from my book. I hope it will make sense to you at some point. God bless you. I want to do the right thing. And I will keep fighting for the truth. And that I was only a child. I didn’t deserve this to have been done to me. Some problems need to be confronted. Others, we can move past boldly without saying anything. This is pure evil. Child abuse is absolute evil. There’s a cycle that perpetuates. Until people who have been wounded in these intimate ways at a developmental stage confront, either through healing or disclosure, the trauma and shame in their hearts will continue to have an influence, consciously or subconsciously upon everything they do in this life. I’m definitely not implying others have gone through this sort of thing. I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. I am not looking for pity. I just have to do what I feel is right. Let me say very generally, that the reputation, what a person has done and said in their lives should not be questioned when coming forward about a case like the one I am. When parents begin molesting and treating vilely a child in its infancy, it is little doubt – nor should anyone be surprised – when that child grows up and has difficulties. I think it is plaid that something like that will affect a person and the path they choose later in life. Even the strongest animal, a lion or elephant, when continually kicked, shamed and abused will learn to lower its head. I have confessed a lot of things I have been through, terrible, shameful things that most people would be content not sharing openly with the world. I have also confessed some bad things I have done. But I recognize why I did these things and as sincerely as I was able, which was enough for me to change, apologized and repented.