Forgiveness:

So we are clear about how I feel about forgiveness. Maybe I wasn’t explaining it properly. Some excerpts taken from book ‘How to forgive yourself and others’ by Father Eamon Tobin. Forgiveness does not mean that we must forget a hurt or injustice. Sometimes, it is not possible to forget some hurts and sometimes it is not even wise to do so. What we can and should seek to do is to let go of the resentments connected with the hurt. We may need to remember some hurts to help us to not allow them to happen again. If we do not remember how a person abuses us, we run the risk of allowing such behavior to occur again. Remembering hurts that are forgiven and healed will enable us to offer understanding, compassion and help to others in need of healing. Forgiveness does not mean that we surrender our right to justice. Pope John Paul II forgave the man who tried to kill him, but he didn’t request he be released from jail. Forgiving someone who breaks our trust, doesn’t mean that we give them back their job. Jesus asked us to forgive. Forgiveness doesn’t necessarily mean that I have to befriend or relate to my offender. This is especially true if my offender shows no sorrow or remorse for the wrongs they did. We can love and forgive someone without befriending them. Forgiveness does not mean that I have to put up with intolerable behavior. If someone abuses us, we should do everything in our power to resist such behavior. Forgiveness does not ask that we become door mats for nasty people. Forgiveness doesn’t mean excusing, condoning or minimizing the wrong inflicted on us. Forgiveness does not mean that we never have negative feelings toward our offender. There is a difference between the forgiveness of a hurt and the total healing from a hurt. Forgiveness does not mean that we have to like our offender. Forgiveness is a process, which may take a day, a year or a lifetime, during which we seek to eliminate from mind and heart all resentment and hurt feelings that we have because of what someone did or said to us. Forgiveness is a gift we give ourselves so that we do not remain stuck in the past and in our pain, living as victims of some big hurt or injustice. Sometimes, we may feel ill at ease because we still harbor negative feelings toward someone who has hurt us terribly in the past or about what they did. We believe our negative feelings indicate that we do not have forgiveness in our heart. The hurt has been forgiven, but the wound has festered because the betrayal has not been healed. The point here is that we shouldn’t necessarily conclude that we have not forgiven someone just because we still feel hurt and negative about what has happened. Forgiveness is primarily an act of the will and not a matter of feelings. It is unfair to insist that a child be responsible for resentment when they are going through so much. As an adult, they have a choice. This is where healing takes place. Forgiveness when it involves child abuse is difficult because of many layers of hurt, betrayal and shame and because it’s often not an isolated event. Remember, trauma, shame accumulate. The longer this goes on, the earlier it starts, the more complications will emerge. 70x7. It seems reasonable as adults to interpret this saying as implying we are to forgive in infinite. But for a child, who angels are trying to convince he doesn’t deserve what he is going through, it has a very real sum.” Reconciliation is takes two parties. Forgiveness is there. Scars still exist. Reconciliation takes two parties to work. While they are in denial, that is not going to work. The forgiveness is there. I feel I have a lot of forgiveness I need to express for myself first. My life’s not over yet. And while there is life, there is hope. I have done a lot in my own healing work to ensure I am changed. Say what you will, there is a difference between a stare and a rape. And a difference between a rape and a thousand rapes. Nobody’s experiences means less. No one’s experiences are less valid. I can imagine it may be difficult to see, but it is a psychological fact that trauma accumulates and traumatic effect can have a greater effect in some cases as in others. Remember what I am claiming to have gone through. You need take into account, the extremely debilitating trauma of sexual assault and abuse at such early ages. We are absolutely to forgive. The Bible does not tell us to forgive and forget. Rather, the Bible does not tell us to act as if the sin had never occurred and live as if you don’t remember it. A rape victim can choose to forgive the rapist but that does not mean that the sin never happened. To spend time with the rapist, especially if they are unrepentant, is not what Scripture teaches. I came across an example on a website that I hope will help bring a little more clarity to what I am saying: ”You told me that I needed to forgive my husband and be reconciled. But he was abusive to me for years. I took the abuse far too long because my pastor told me I should submit. Then when I saw him begin to abuse my children as well, I gathered the courage to leave him for good. Now you tell me I have to forgive him as if it never happened.” ‘When wrong doing is chronic, reconciliation is difficult and perhaps inadvisable.’ We can forgive within our spirits, but the full restoration of a relationship requires the commitment of both parties. Search your hearts and you will know that what I am saying is very reasonable. Forgiveness means that we don’t harbor ill will toward the person who wronged us, but it does not mean that the wrong was right. Forgiveness involves not holding a sin against another any longer, but forgiveness is different than trust. Sometimes, the dynamics of the relationship will have to change. “The prudent see danger and take refuge, but the simple keep going and pay the penalty” (Proverbs 22:3). I do love them; my abusers. I want you to see this trauma and recognize it, not out of vengeance or spite; definitely not, but rather out of an appeal to mercy. I cannot explain to you how this all affected me and mostly, how it affects me in such a negative way when I visit them and communicate with them. But they are very real feelings. As real as a broken arm or a fractured bone. There definitely was a reason I was chosen. Still, “If you forgive the sins of any, they are forgiven them. If you do not forgive them, they are not forgiven,” (John 20:23). I personally choose to liberate them from the debt they owe me, before God the Father, because they are close to me. But the pain I have is very real and is absolutely not a choice. Please. Have empathy and understand that human beings can suffer. We are flesh and blood. But we are so much more than just that. We have a spirit. We are God’s children. That is why I forgive. I am sure of this: it is not me who forgives. It is the Spirit within me. There is no other explanation. But the pain is very real and goes deeper than flesh. And that pain, we cannot run from. We are going to have to deal with it sooner or later. My soul is wounded. Only Christ, only love can fix this. But we need physical love in complement to spiritual love. Without it, we cannot understand the concept of a God who loves us unconditionally. We need physical love to remind us that we are human, made in the image of God. But when we are not just deprived of this love but treated in terrible ways in the name of love, it becomes so destructive. We crave love. But yet, we push it away because it is threatening to us. We cannot have it because it is terrifying. And it is terrifying that we cannot have it. Our souls are damaged because love was replaced by fear. And that is not a choice. In spite of the pain I feel, I choose to forgive. I choose to forgive because they’re close to me. I choose to forgive them in spite of the fact that they knew exactly what they were doing and still, thirty years later, have not admitted their sin or repented. Read that sentence a couple of times. Not out of spite, do I say that. Rather out of emphasis. I forgive them because I can have empathy. But the pain and hurt we feel is very real. The pain we feel, we cannot simply push aside. We cannot simply run away from our problems and hurts. We need to confront them. Because if we don’t, these issues will just get worse. Like an alcoholic, if left unchecked in his alcoholism, will only deteriorate. This is what I am actively doing right now. I am healing. And if that seems like I am withholding forgiveness, forgive me. I am not withholding forgiveness. I am making the conscious decision to heal from my wounds. I am making a conscious decision to confront my problems head on. The most important element of healing is going into your wounds, opening them up and exploring them. Going into your past and exploring it. Going into your thoughts and exploring them. But I will not stop my healing recovery and journey. I am so much better than I was. And I owe that to Christ and to my desire to heal of the problems I have. I desire to heal. We must not run from our feelings. Please have patience. I am not a bad person. I am a victim. And I am not of a victim mindset. Even though, I have grown up, literally being a victim of many, many ‘crimes’. In spite of anything you may hear to the contrary, the rape victim is the only victim of rape in a case of rape. Please remember who committed the crime(s). Again, I am not saying these things out of anger. I just feel it’s necessary to remind you of these facts, which are entirely reasonable. In spite of everything, I choose to forgive. I am trying so hard. I am just healing. Something we all need to do. And I absolutely recognize that it is all for the glory of God. Please, just have compassion on those suffering. Please, have mercy. People should absolutely forgive each other. My situation is very unique and doesn’t happen all of the time. My circumstance is unique in that the wrongdoings done to me were done for nearly two decades. The duration of which and the severe nature of the crimes done to me, as a child are what make that so bad. Forgiveness is absolutely the ideal. There is a reason I offer forgiveness in the face of an unforgivable crime. In spite of everything, I choose to forgive. And it is not through myself that that forgiveness was possible. I choose to forgive them in spite of the fact that they knew exactly what they were doing and still, thirty years later, have not admitted their sin or repented. Read that sentence a couple of times. Not out of spite, do I say that. Rather out of emphasis. I forgive them because I can have empathy. But the pain and hurt we feel is very real. The pain we feel, we cannot simply push aside. We cannot simply run away from our problems and hurts. We need to confront them. Because if we don’t, these issues will just get worse. Like an alcoholic, if left unchecked in his alcoholism, will only deteriorate. This is what I am actively doing right now. I am healing. And if that seems like I am withholding forgiveness, forgive me. I am not withholding forgiveness. I am making the conscious decision to heal from my wounds. I am making a conscious decision to confront my problems head on. The most important element of healing is going into your wounds, opening them up and exploring them. Going into your past and exploring it. Going into your thoughts and exploring them. But I will not stop my healing recovery and journey. I am so much better than I was. And I owe that to Christ and to my desire to heal of the problems I have. I desire to heal. We must not run from our feelings. Please have patience. I am not a bad person. I am the victim. And I am not of a victim mindset. Even though, I have grown up, literally being a victim of many, many ‘crimes’. And I assure you that I am the only victim, I am the only one suffering from being a rape and abuse victim in my situation. In no way are they who raped me, victims of the crimes they committed against me. In spite of anything you may hear to the contrary, the rape victim is the only victim of rape in a case of rape. Please remember who committed the crime(s). Again, I am not saying these things out of anger. I just feel it’s necessary to remind you of these facts, which are entirely reasonable. In spite of everything, I choose to forgive. I am trying so hard. I am just healing. Something we all need to do. And I absolutely recognize that it is all for the glory of God. Please, just have compassion on those suffering. Please, have mercy.