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Sunday, August 20, 2017

Forgiveness:

So we are clear about how I feel about forgiveness. Maybe I wasn’t explaining it properly. Some excerpts taken from book ‘How to forgive yourself and others’ by Father Eamon Tobin. Forgiveness does not mean that we must forget a hurt or injustice. Sometimes, it is not possible to forget some hurts and sometimes it is not even wise to do so. What we can and should seek to do is to let go of the resentments connected with the hurt. We may need to remember some hurts to help us to not allow them to happen again. If we do not remember how a person abuses us, we run the risk of allowing such behavior to occur again. Remembering hurts that are forgiven and healed will enable us to offer understanding, compassion and help to others in need of healing. Forgiveness does not mean that we surrender our right to justice. Pope John Paul II forgave the man who tried to kill him, but he didn’t request he be released from jail. Forgiving someone who breaks our trust, doesn’t mean that we give them back their job. Jesus asked us to forgive. Forgiveness doesn’t necessarily mean that I have to befriend or relate to my offender. This is especially true if my offender shows no sorrow or remorse for the wrongs they did. We can love and forgive someone without befriending them. Forgiveness does not mean that I have to put up with intolerable behavior. If someone abuses us, we should do everything in our power to resist such behavior. Forgiveness does not ask that we become door mats for nasty people. Forgiveness doesn’t mean excusing, condoning or minimizing the wrong inflicted on us. Forgiveness does not mean that we never have negative feelings toward our offender. There is a difference between the forgiveness of a hurt and the total healing from a hurt. Forgiveness does not mean that we have to like our offender. Forgiveness is a process, which may take a day, a year or a lifetime, during which we seek to eliminate from mind and heart all resentment and hurt feelings that we have because of what someone did or said to us. Forgiveness is a gift we give ourselves so that we do not remain stuck in the past and in our pain, living as victims of some big hurt or injustice. Sometimes, we may feel ill at ease because we still harbor negative feelings toward someone who has hurt us terribly in the past or about what they did. We believe our negative feelings indicate that we do not have forgiveness in our heart. The hurt has been forgiven, but the wound has festered because the betrayal has not been healed. The point here is that we shouldn’t necessarily conclude that we have not forgiven someone just because we still feel hurt and negative about what has happened. Forgiveness is primarily an act of the will and not a matter of feelings. It is unfair to insist that a child be responsible for resentment when they are going through so much. As an adult, they have a choice. This is where healing takes place. Forgiveness when it involves child abuse is difficult because of many layers of hurt, betrayal and shame and because it’s often not an isolated event. Remember, trauma, shame accumulate. The longer this goes on, the earlier it starts, the more complications will emerge. 70x7. It seems reasonable as adults to interpret this saying as implying we are to forgive in infinite. But for a child, who angels are trying to convince he doesn’t deserve what he is going through, it has a very real sum.” Reconciliation is takes two parties. Forgiveness is there. Scars still exist. Reconciliation takes two parties to work. While they are in denial, that is not going to work. The forgiveness is there. I feel I have a lot of forgiveness I need to express for myself first. My life’s not over yet. And while there is life, there is hope. I have done a lot in my own healing work to ensure I am changed. Say what you will, there is a difference between a stare and a rape. And a difference between a rape and a thousand rapes. Nobody’s experiences means less. No one’s experiences are less valid. I can imagine it may be difficult to see, but it is a psychological fact that trauma accumulates and traumatic effect can have a greater effect in some cases as in others. Remember what I am claiming to have gone through. You need take into account, the extremely debilitating trauma of sexual assault and abuse at such early ages. We are absolutely to forgive. The Bible does not tell us to forgive and forget. Rather, the Bible does not tell us to act as if the sin had never occurred and live as if you don’t remember it. A rape victim can choose to forgive the rapist but that does not mean that the sin never happened. To spend time with the rapist, especially if they are unrepentant, is not what Scripture teaches. I came across an example on a website that I hope will help bring a little more clarity to what I am saying: ”You told me that I needed to forgive my husband and be reconciled. But he was abusive to me for years. I took the abuse far too long because my pastor told me I should submit. Then when I saw him begin to abuse my children as well, I gathered the courage to leave him for good. Now you tell me I have to forgive him as if it never happened.” ‘When wrong doing is chronic, reconciliation is difficult and perhaps inadvisable.’ We can forgive within our spirits, but the full restoration of a relationship requires the commitment of both parties. Search your hearts and you will know that what I am saying is very reasonable. Forgiveness means that we don’t harbor ill will toward the person who wronged us, but it does not mean that the wrong was right. Forgiveness involves not holding a sin against another any longer, but forgiveness is different than trust. Sometimes, the dynamics of the relationship will have to change. “The prudent see danger and take refuge, but the simple keep going and pay the penalty” (Proverbs 22:3). I do love them; my abusers. I want you to see this trauma and recognize it, not out of vengeance or spite; definitely not, but rather out of an appeal to mercy. I cannot explain to you how this all affected me and mostly, how it affects me in such a negative way when I visit them and communicate with them. But they are very real feelings. As real as a broken arm or a fractured bone. There definitely was a reason I was chosen. Still, “If you forgive the sins of any, they are forgiven them. If you do not forgive them, they are not forgiven,” (John 20:23). I personally choose to liberate them from the debt they owe me, before God the Father, because they are close to me. But the pain I have is very real and is absolutely not a choice. Please. Have empathy and understand that human beings can suffer. We are flesh and blood. But we are so much more than just that. We have a spirit. We are God’s children. That is why I forgive. I am sure of this: it is not me who forgives. It is the Spirit within me. There is no other explanation. But the pain is very real and goes deeper than flesh. And that pain, we cannot run from. We are going to have to deal with it sooner or later. My soul is wounded. Only Christ, only love can fix this. But we need physical love in complement to spiritual love. Without it, we cannot understand the concept of a God who loves us unconditionally. We need physical love to remind us that we are human, made in the image of God. But when we are not just deprived of this love but treated in terrible ways in the name of love, it becomes so destructive. We crave love. But yet, we push it away because it is threatening to us. We cannot have it because it is terrifying. And it is terrifying that we cannot have it. Our souls are damaged because love was replaced by fear. And that is not a choice. In spite of the pain I feel, I choose to forgive. I choose to forgive because they’re close to me. I choose to forgive them in spite of the fact that they knew exactly what they were doing and still, thirty years later, have not admitted their sin or repented. Read that sentence a couple of times. Not out of spite, do I say that. Rather out of emphasis. I forgive them because I can have empathy. But the pain and hurt we feel is very real. The pain we feel, we cannot simply push aside. We cannot simply run away from our problems and hurts. We need to confront them. Because if we don’t, these issues will just get worse. Like an alcoholic, if left unchecked in his alcoholism, will only deteriorate. This is what I am actively doing right now. I am healing. And if that seems like I am withholding forgiveness, forgive me. I am not withholding forgiveness. I am making the conscious decision to heal from my wounds. I am making a conscious decision to confront my problems head on. The most important element of healing is going into your wounds, opening them up and exploring them. Going into your past and exploring it. Going into your thoughts and exploring them. But I will not stop my healing recovery and journey. I am so much better than I was. And I owe that to Christ and to my desire to heal of the problems I have. I desire to heal. We must not run from our feelings. Please have patience. I am not a bad person. I am a victim. And I am not of a victim mindset. Even though, I have grown up, literally being a victim of many, many ‘crimes’. In spite of anything you may hear to the contrary, the rape victim is the only victim of rape in a case of rape. Please remember who committed the crime(s). Again, I am not saying these things out of anger. I just feel it’s necessary to remind you of these facts, which are entirely reasonable. In spite of everything, I choose to forgive. I am trying so hard. I am just healing. Something we all need to do. And I absolutely recognize that it is all for the glory of God. Please, just have compassion on those suffering. Please, have mercy. People should absolutely forgive each other. My situation is very unique and doesn’t happen all of the time. My circumstance is unique in that the wrongdoings done to me were done for nearly two decades. The duration of which and the severe nature of the crimes done to me, as a child are what make that so bad. Forgiveness is absolutely the ideal. There is a reason I offer forgiveness in the face of an unforgivable crime. In spite of everything, I choose to forgive. And it is not through myself that that forgiveness was possible. I choose to forgive them in spite of the fact that they knew exactly what they were doing and still, thirty years later, have not admitted their sin or repented. Read that sentence a couple of times. Not out of spite, do I say that. Rather out of emphasis. I forgive them because I can have empathy. But the pain and hurt we feel is very real. The pain we feel, we cannot simply push aside. We cannot simply run away from our problems and hurts. We need to confront them. Because if we don’t, these issues will just get worse. Like an alcoholic, if left unchecked in his alcoholism, will only deteriorate. This is what I am actively doing right now. I am healing. And if that seems like I am withholding forgiveness, forgive me. I am not withholding forgiveness. I am making the conscious decision to heal from my wounds. I am making a conscious decision to confront my problems head on. The most important element of healing is going into your wounds, opening them up and exploring them. Going into your past and exploring it. Going into your thoughts and exploring them. But I will not stop my healing recovery and journey. I am so much better than I was. And I owe that to Christ and to my desire to heal of the problems I have. I desire to heal. We must not run from our feelings. Please have patience. I am not a bad person. I am the victim. And I am not of a victim mindset. Even though, I have grown up, literally being a victim of many, many ‘crimes’. And I assure you that I am the only victim, I am the only one suffering from being a rape and abuse victim in my situation. In no way are they who raped me, victims of the crimes they committed against me. In spite of anything you may hear to the contrary, the rape victim is the only victim of rape in a case of rape. Please remember who committed the crime(s). Again, I am not saying these things out of anger. I just feel it’s necessary to remind you of these facts, which are entirely reasonable. In spite of everything, I choose to forgive. I am trying so hard. I am just healing. Something we all need to do. And I absolutely recognize that it is all for the glory of God. Please, just have compassion on those suffering. Please, have mercy.

Monday, August 7, 2017

Lying and child sexual abuse

Lying is often a coping mechanism fostered by abuse survivors. The following are excerpts from a forum post that I found online, which explain better than I can, mostly because I have stopped lying, why this happens. “I am a 51 year old survivor of child sexual, physical, emotional and psychological abuse. I have developed many coping mechanisms over the years, and I think the one that has been the most destructive is the 'false self' I developed; a part of that being a compulsive liar. The first and biggest lie was that the abuse really didn't happen. For me, being told not to tell anyone also taught me to lie. Being told I was worthless and will never be good for anything taught me that I had to be something other than who I was. I began to tell elaborate lies about myself, my accomplishments, my social and professional dealings, and personal history. I was starved for the attention and approval I so desperately needed, so I fabricated ways to get those needs met. I don't know exactly when I began to lose myself to the shame and guilt of what happened to me, but I developed the persona that I thought was what I should be, seemingly open and friendly on the surface, but always hiding the person I really was. After awhile my true self began to dissolve and crumble under the weight of my life of lies, and I actually began to believe them as truth. I lied about things that really didn't even matter. I lied about nothing and anything... all the time aware that they were lies, but I had become so afraid to be honest because somehow it would make me vulnerable. I had woven a tapestry of deceit, and the thought of it becoming shredded and thread-barren by the truth prevented me from developing intimate, honest relationships. It was so much easier to lie than to face reality! My father died 8 weeks ago, and somehow I always believed that once he was gone I would be free from this living hell of guilt, shame, and self-destruction and would finally be able to reveal my true self. I was wrong. Not only is the chance that I could confront him someday about the abuse gone, but I no longer have anyone to blame! I cannot go on this way anymore. I just can't. My life of lies has made me so sick inside that I can no longer live like this. I am ready to take full responsibility and be accountable for the damage my lying has caused, not just to myself but to those who's lives have been affected. Innocent people's lives. My first thought was to come clean... totally. I wanted to tell my husband everything, at all cost. I started to, but it just sent him reeling with fear and panic. He has become obsessed with trying to diagnose me from online sources, and has come up with everything from labeling me with Borderline Personality to Narcissism, and more. He has started a complete background check on me... sorting through my personal files, mail, old bank and IRS records, calling my friends and family to confirm whether or not I am telling the truth. He interrogates me starting with the minute he gets home until I can no longer even respond coherently. I have an appointment with a psychiatrist tomorrow, and was told by the counselor I spoke to at the clinic that I should NOT tell him everything right now... that I need to wait until I have a clearer understanding of what's wrong with me and a plan towards a treatment before I can deal with the ramifications and consequences of being honest 'too much, too soon'. I need help, not condemnation. I don't know where to turn or what I can do to let my husband know how much I love him and how sorry I am. I feel so guilty and hopeless at this time, that I wish I was dead... but that would just be running away from the pain. I think I need to feel this pain so I can heal. I want my life to be worth something real.” Quote from my book: “I felt humiliated and defeated. The fact that I was being accused of lying stung my heart, especially since I was telling the truth. I could not connect the incident at the show and tell with this.” Don’t deny people’s abilities to change. We shouldn’t be looking as much at someone’s history when we judge them. We should be looking at who they are now. Symptoms as opposed to character traits. “I think it is very difficult to expect a child going through so much to be perfect. The adult is always the one who makes the decision in cases of abuse. They can bring up everything bad that I have done. There will not be a shortage. I was stumbled from day one. I think it is very difficult to expect a child going through so much to be perfect. When you see a child doing those sort of things, it is more than often a symptom of something going on. It is more than often never a character trait. The adult is always the one who makes the decision in cases of abuse. Abuse is never the child’s fault.” I’ve come a long way in my own personal enlightenment. I have been trying very hard to be righteous, even knowing that I can’t be perfect. It feels reasonable but definitely unfair that my history should be brought out. Remember who reported this crime. Remember the fact that for the most part, I was a child too. It does not excuse it. Remember my message. Things may seem like they’re struggling at the moment. But with God, everything works together for the good. Sometimes not in the ways you’d expect. But truth will be revealed. They can bring up everything bad that I have done. There will not be a shortage. I was stumbled from day one. I think it is very difficult to expect a child going through so much to be perfect. The adult is always the one who makes the decision in cases of abuse. They can bring up everything bad that I have done. There will not be a shortage. I was stumbled from day one. I think it is very difficult to expect a child going through so much to be perfect. When you see a child doing those sort of things, it is more than often a symptom of something going on. It is more than often never a character trait. The adult is always the one who makes the decision in cases of abuse. Abuse is never the child’s fault. http://www.secasa.com.au/pages/is-the-child-victim-of-sexual-abuse-telling-the-truth/ Read this carefully. If you are willing. Christ changes people. I don’t know entirely at the moment whether people believe me. I wish you could see how incredibly painful for me it is to be called crazy. It’s revictimizing to have truth so obscured. At the same time, I need to be understanding of your perspective. And it’s not your fault. Believe me, I understand. I am praying a lot lately. I pray before and after entering the Word. I am trying to make prayer more of a continual habit. I want to keep my prayers between myself and God. Just to say that I have noticed a shift in my prayer. You’ve all been through so much. Just remember that there is a reason. The right thing will happen. Truth will come out. Really, this is terribly unfair that that information is coming out before what happened to me. Regardless, when truth comes out, you will know that God is real. And a God of love. Just remember what I have been through. What I have already been through. I have come a very long way in my own recovery from this as well as the physical recuperation from that traumatic brain injury. I say traumatic because I don’t want to deny what it was. I have seen numerous counselors and have spent about a year as a participant of a support group called the Gatehouse. Actually, I am volunteering there now to help others confront the sexual violence in their past and to transform it into positive healing energy. All of this has affected me in so many ways. Believe me when I say I care about you. But I will tell my truth. I know you’re having a difficult time with everything that has happened. Believe me, I am having a much more difficult time with it. I have to acknowledge how far I have come. In years past – in months past, I would have been so debilitated at the thought of writing an email like this that my body probably wouldn’t have allowed me. As much as I am concerned for you and about you, this has to be said. I understand you love me. I never said you didn’t. I love you too. Mom, you once asked me how I could express my love so freely to someone who I felt hurt me so much. I don’t entirely have an answer for that. All I know is that there is something inside of me, in my heart that empathizes with others who have hurt me. There’s something in my heart that longs for the salvation and repentance of those who hurt me. In my heart, I just want people to live in and walk in the light. I’m not angry at you. In spite of everything that I believe, I extend to you my deepest of love and mercy. I want you to know that regardless of everything I am claiming, I love you both very much. And I hope we can still speak at times. But, I set a boundary when I spoke with dad a year ago that if I am to speak with you, you cannot bring up this issue. As neither do I. It’s really not my fault, the estrangement that has happened. Again, being involved in victim advocacy, I hope you can understand why this is traumatic for me. What I can do is speak about what I have experienced. I know how hard this must be for you too. I hope you see how hard I am trying to forgive. I want so much to have a relationship with you. It’s difficult on a number of levels. First, the enormity of problems, emotional, spiritual and physical created by this kind of abuse. Second, it’s difficult, on account of the previous point made, to forgive because you will not acknowledge this. The reason I am not giving up on you, calling you and offering my forgiveness, love and prayers is because I genuinely care about you. I love you. I have extended that to you countless times. What can I do? What is concealed is meant to be revealed. But you need to know that what you did was wrong. It has to be said. And I am not to blame for what you did to me. Truth will be revealed. No matter how bad things get, I know for a fact that I am loved. And my God gives me strength. You know what the beautiful thing is? God loves you as well. Jesus died for your sins too. Let what has been done for you into the light of day. Repent. I am ending this with some quotes from my book. I hope it will make sense to you at some point. God bless you. I want to do the right thing. And I will keep fighting for the truth. And that I was only a child. I didn’t deserve this to have been done to me. Some problems need to be confronted. Others, we can move past boldly without saying anything. This is pure evil. Child abuse is absolute evil. There’s a cycle that perpetuates. Until people who have been wounded in these intimate ways at a developmental stage confront, either through healing or disclosure, the trauma and shame in their hearts will continue to have an influence, consciously or subconsciously upon everything they do in this life. I’m definitely not implying others have gone through this sort of thing. I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. I am not looking for pity. I just have to do what I feel is right. Let me say very generally, that the reputation, what a person has done and said in their lives should not be questioned when coming forward about a case like the one I am. When parents begin molesting and treating vilely a child in its infancy, it is little doubt – nor should anyone be surprised – when that child grows up and has difficulties. I think it is plaid that something like that will affect a person and the path they choose later in life. Even the strongest animal, a lion or elephant, when continually kicked, shamed and abused will learn to lower its head. I have confessed a lot of things I have been through, terrible, shameful things that most people would be content not sharing openly with the world. I have also confessed some bad things I have done. But I recognize why I did these things and as sincerely as I was able, which was enough for me to change, apologized and repented.