Sunday, April 30, 2017
Neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all of creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord” (Romans 8:39). This made me really reflect over the life that I have lived. I don’t think that anyone can argue against that I have had a difficult life. Regardless of how bad things get, I am choosing to be grateful, knowing for a fact that God has loved me greatly, sacrificing a lot for me and everyone else. I know I will be rewarded according to what I deserve in accord with the truth. I’m not necessarily looking for attention with all of this. But it is because of what I have been through and endured that I was chosen. And I will stand to my death with the truth of what I have been through. Because it is such a big part of who I am today. I know that because of how far this has gone, I do not deserve the glory that I was initially promised. Yet, still, I have faith that I will be glorified ten times what was initially prepared when God and His divine Son are glorified. Part of me questions what would have happened had I have had the emotional ability to put an end to what they were doing when I was a child. I don’t think anyone can call me weak. Those who say these things have no idea what it has taken for me to get where I am today. Also, what I have been through. But, I sincerely pray that God can have mercy on me through the work of Christ Jesus in the knowledge of how much I have lived through. I pray that you can have mercy. I am humbled by the knowledge that God deserves the glory of my life and sufferings. I admit humbly and with a heart of repentance that I have struggled greatly with pride in my past. In my book, I dwelt in my sufferings and in myself but it is for a reason. For this is a part of the will of the Almighty that was revealed to me through Christ: that people should be made aware of how these crimes affect the human being, that things done to children affect them for their lives. And that therefore, we must treat and nourish children as tender roots in their infancy. God very much wants to use our children for the advancement of His Kingdom. Through my writings and in my journals, I am not boasting but rather emphasizing the sufferings, the full extent of which, and the full trauma of which, have not yet been made clear to you all, that I have come to praise as having endured for Christ and the feelings that resulted so that others may see how trauma affects all of us. The purpose of my journals are to display how thankful I am for what God has done in my life and that His grace has indeed changed me. Though, God only ever wanted my happiness, love and glory and joy, my life is not over. And I will continue to work my hardest to live life in the way that I want to live as opposed to having my experiences dictated by fear. I am not only proud to have been called to live for God but overjoyed in the sufferings that I have endured, that is, if it is His will now to use me. It is my prayer that with my death, with what remains, I am able to glorify Him as He so rightly and justly deserves. But, “If I must boast, I will boast of the things that show my weakness” (2 Corinthians 11:30). I have no intent of glorifying myself or in boasting about the works that I have done over the course of my life. Rather, through my good deeds and the sufferings that I have endured in this life, I am able to glorify God. Over my life, every good deed I have committed came from my heart not out of a desire to please my God, but rather I committed them because it is my God and Lord who pleases me. To me, the works I did, did not matter because, to me, Christ put those works on my heart. They made me feel good because I was doing them for God. If I have to boast about anything, it would surely be that in face of everything that has significantly hurt me or, which had the potential to significantly hurt me over the course of my life, I have turned my cheek in love and humility. Here, I’m not speaking about small things. Here, I’m speaking about rape, violent assaults and blatant attacks on my life and well-being from people who were and remain very close to my heart. If I have anything to boast about, it is surely in the Christ who has given hope where no hope existed. It is through Him that I have a chance. I can only boast in the love and faith I have held on to through the sufferings I have endured for the sake of the cross of Jesus. I cannot boast in any glory but the glory that God, the Father has offered me. . . We all have access to the Holy Bible. I pray that you are not tempted into disbelieving my testimony because of the Truth of the Word of God and because of its unchanging nature. I assure you that I speak nothing other than the Gospel of Christ in love and truth and that any understatement on my part is only a result of the suffering I have endured as well as the mistakes that I myself have made as well as my limited language with which to express the things I know. The Apostle Paul was a great man and fully convicted in the faith. He was very vigilant about the Way. This had to be. And he was rightly glorified. Just as this has to be now. I have only told you the truth that comes from my heart. Still, I do not expect any of you to believe in my testimony until God has proven it as what He desires. “They have seen false visions and lying divinations. They say, ‘Declares the Lord,’ when the Lord has not sent them, and yet they expect him to fulfill their word” (Ezekiel 13:6). I am not asking you to believe now, just that you have faith and compassion and understanding. If it is His will, it will be made clear. For the Word of God is immutable and unchangeable unless God chooses to make it so. God’s heart is loving and eternally unchanging but it is evident in the Bible of passages that suggest God changes His mind on a temporal level: "So the Lord changed His mind about the harm which He said He would do to His people." (Exodus 32:14). In cases of sin and repentance, God can change His mind. We see this in the Garden of Eden as well as with the Christ. With human free will and as God learns about us by our decisions, God can change His mind. Other areas of the Scripture are sufficient but not entirely clear. I speak only what has been instructed me from God. I believe it because I have faith. What is the purpose of a prophet? It was either to defend, to call for a return or the application of a new, word of God. Just have faith. I have run from Him far too many times in my life because of the weight on my heart and only want so much to do the will of God now. Keep faith. . . Saw a meme today saying that if something’s of God, it comes smoothly. If it’s not, there is a lot of confusion surrounding it. Though there are examples of that in Scripture, like King David, most prophets of God live lives of struggle and tumult. The Apostles knew this well. We are meant to carry our Cross daily. Though God only intended the early years of my life to be difficult, I have continued to struggle because of disobedience. And that I was not able to overcome during that coma. I don’t deserve what is happening right now. None of you do. Even my abusers. I hope they are able to accept the truth when it comes easily. “For in this hope we were saved. But hope that is seen is no hope at all. Who hopes for what they already have? But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently” (Romans 8:24,25). I just want to assure you with my conscience that I am not lying. My conscience through the Spirit of God confirms it. And I will stand by the Truth of Jesus Christ until the end. Need to remember to stay vulnerable. I need to fight for myself. Knowing what I have been through.