So you also, when you have done everything you were told to
do, should say, 'We are unworthy servants; we have only done our duty.’” Luke
17:10
Suffering itself, suffering for suffering’s sake does not
make one holy. Unless that suffering was endured for His glory. It’s about how
we react to suffering. And I do not feel I am doing that bad, in the face of
everything I am up against. I hope you will be able to see, by the grace of God,
just how much faith it took. I have told my story. The symptoms are all there.
I am not nor have I ever expected anyone to believe until after there was
corroboration. When the truth comes out, read my writings again. God bless you.
Remember that the world needs to rejoice. I know it cannot make sense to you
entirely. With what’s happening in the world.
What I need is the love I never received as a child. When
Christ came to me, I was a mess, emotionally, physically and spiritually. I
still struggle. But I think I really owe it to myself to stop, look backwards
and see just how far I have come. I need to stop feeling badly about who I am.
I need to stop seeing everything that is bad and negative about me. I need to
recognize that I am a child of God. And that that is paramount to any despair,
any trauma and any failure I could have. God fills this gap with His Holy Ghost.
I want this. I want to live and love. I don’t know how to. I am learning. And I
am fighting so darned hard for the life that I know I deserve. I don’t need
love as a reward for something I’ve done or said. I don’t even need reciprocal
love. What I need, what I crave and deserve is unconditional love. There is
only one place from which to get that. When my mission is accomplished, I will
be at peace.
Jesus called them together and said, “’You know that
those who are regarded as rulers of the Gentiles lord it over them, and their
high officials exercise authority over them. Not so with
you. Instead, whoever wants to become great among you must be your servant, and
whoever wants to be first must be slave of all.’”
“Each person should remain in the situation they were in
when God called them.” For a long time, I got hung up on this passage. Passages
like it, like he who desires to be exalted will be humbled. And he who humbles
himself will be exalted. I feared that accepting the glory that God had
prepared for me would go against these passages. I refuse to believe this lie
any longer. We should know that we cannot perform a closed reading of Scripture
with the intent of getting at its entire purpose. We need to read it in
context. The context of the Bible is God’s love for His Creation, His glory.
These passages can be contrasted with others, like, “Do not lose your
saltiness.” Or “You wouldn’t light a lamp and place it under a bushel.” God
wants to glorify us. This is how He is glorified on earth. But we cannot forget
that while everybody in this world suffers, some suffer a lot more. There are
reasons for this.
I’m not looking to be rewarded. I’m looking for peace. I
believe strongly that God will use me. I was kind of born for this. But, “For
the corruptible body weighs down the soul, and this earthly dwelling presses
many thoughts upon the mind” (Wisdom 9:15). I didn’t write that prophecy. Nor
was I created for it. That prophecy was written for me. Things were to be much
better. I am kind of ashamed of what I forfeited because I didn’t feel worthy
and couldn’t trust. I am not just a prophet to the Church. Let us remember that
worldly glory is not necessarily conflicting with God’s will. We don’t have to
be a religious to serve God. We can serve God in so many ways. Doctors are
serving God. If the heart is in the right place. #David. # Solomon.
I am the first to question my own worth. Emotions accumulate
as well as trauma and shame. We need to express these emotions otherwise they
continue to have an effect on our daily interactions. I don’t want attention. I don’t feel I deserve
it. In a lot of ways, I don’t feel I am healthy enough. When I laugh and divert my eyes
from people because they give me attention, this is not because of pride. It is
because I get really overwhelmed and don’t know how to accept it. Maybe mixed
emotions. It is not a result of pride. Validation
would be encouraging for what I have been through and in a lot of ways am still
going through. Just enough attention to help the right thing happen. It’s
not about me. It is about truth. It’s about His beautiful Jesus. Wait. If it is
God’s plan, He will glorify me as I deserve. I have faith in His love. Wait
until there is reason to rejoice. And when there is reason to rejoice,
honor will be given where it is due.
Don’t forget that there is a story, a whole life behind my
testimony. Things will be made clear. Things will be better. This is about
truth.
Jesus, I never said I was nor would I insinuate that I was a
savior. Jesus is the only king. For me to downplay the nature of my mission
would not be in true humility. Humility tells the truth. And you give honor
where it is owing. I am a prophet. Who would argue that the world is in a bad
place? Is it a Christian idea that the world deserves to be in a bad place? I
believe that God would want to give His children a chance to repent first. Is
this such a bad thing?
I recently finished reading a book on childhood sexual abuse
recovery that juxtaposed the experiences of a number of very brave and
beautiful people, their experiences with sexual trauma as children, to that of
the sufferings and betrayals of the Lord Jesus Christ. It was a beautiful yet
sobering book. I think that the biggest gift I received from the book was an
outlet in the process towards the healing of my own shame. For a long time,
probably since before I can remember, I suffered from a false toxic shame as a
result of others actions towards me. The journey to recover from sexual abuse
is very real. But so is the ability to heal and recover with the Spirit, to
become emotionally clear and purified. The book shared this verse: “This is the
message we have heard from him and declare to you: God is light; in Him there
is no darkness at all. If we claim to have fellowship with him yet walk in the
darkness, we lie and do not live by the truth. But if we walk in the light, as
he is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of
Jesus, his Son, purifies us from all sin. If we claim to be without sin, we
deceive ourselves and the truth is not in us. If we confess our sins, he is
faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all
unrighteousness” (1 John 1:5-9). Abuse is sin and causes damage to its victim.
The paradoxical tragedy about abuse is that abuse survivors live with the
damage created by someone else’s sin. Shame is very real. And it weighs us down
deeply. The effect that gives abuse its power is not so much only the timeline of
events. It is an extra dimension of shame and secrecy, fear and silence,
justified anger and suppression. This passage from 1 John emphasizes the fact
that Jesus can cleanse us from all sin and unrighteousness. Even if that sin is
not our own. God would never hold a child abuse victim responsible for what
they endured. They are just children. We need to tell God the truth as it is in
our lives and allow God to cleanse us from that truth. We need to acknowledge
the damage caused by that truth. I prayed this prayer a couple of days ago.
Wow! Physically and completely, I did not expect to be healed. But I am feeling
so empowered. I am feeling for the first time as though I have an identity. I
feel like my feet are connected to the ground on which I walk. It could be
simply endorphins I feel about the faith I feel for the future. I will say
this: by accepting truth and shedding shame, we can become stronger,
compassionate and empowered people. I get encouraged to think about the first
time I set foot in a counselor’s office, the first time I entered my group
therapy and recognize immediately how well I am doing today. I remind myself of
just how far I have come. At my worst, relearning to breathe and swallow my own
saliva. At my worst, dragging my feet through the parallel bars at a children’s
rehabilitation hospital. At my worst, fixating my sight at the clock in front
of me in my own bedroom, in dissociation because it was too painful to even
feel. At my best, content in my faith. At my best, feeling good about myself,
who I am and not being ashamed of being a human being. I’ll never forget the
first time I realized the terrible impact of what happened to me. The sudden
awareness of all of these terrible things done to me, the sudden awareness and
deep guilt for things that I myself had done was shattering. But I was not alone.
And that painful experience was definitely not the end. There was hope in my
future. There was peace after the struggle. There was contentment after the
fear and shame. I’ll never forget the first time I walked into my group therapy
for men survivors of child sexual abuse. I was shivering and emotionally closed
off. It was in learning to be vulnerable that I was able to better understand
and embrace what I have been through. We need remember at every point in this
life, because we are all walking along this path together, we are not alone. We
need learn to depend on one another. Mostly, we are not alone because we have
One who has gone before us. One who has suffered the human experience greatly,
who has felt shame, humiliation, who has been betrayed and injured deeply. One
who has conquered death, suffering and fear so that we are able to LIVE. I want
to take an opportunity to thank you for your faith in the past. I know that
what I could have given you was more. Please continue to have faith. There is a
reason for everything. And I pray the reason will be revealed. I ask you to
remember the countless times I turned my cheek to oppression and violence.
Please remember that I forgave. Remember that I overcame a massive injury and
terrible crimes. I know I push away offers of love and attention at times.
Please just remember the fact that I was never permitted to develop the
emotional, social and tools of intimacy that many grow with naturally. It’s not
an excuse. But it’s a reason. It’s a reason I am fighting very hard to correct.
Shame is not temporary. Shame is something we carry with us. And that shame
accumulates. Please remember what I have been through when you examine my life.
This is not about reputation or what we do or say. People are very much more
than simply what we see on the surface. This is both Biblically sound as well
as Catechetical.
What is the remedy for toxic shame? For shame in general? This
is a difficult question. It is a mindset unlike most others. From my
understanding, every emotion has a corresponding outlet. Some way through which
we can channel that emotion. Sadness, sorrow. What do we do with sadness? We
cry. With joy, with happiness, we can smile, we can laugh. With anger, we learn
to express it in healthy and constructive ways. With shame, however, what I am
learning is that the only remedy is to speak your heart. To speak your story.
We need to be honest with our emotions and learn to become vulnerable with our
true selves. We need to heal our inner children. We need to take care of
ourselves. After all, if we do not love ourselves, how can we love others?
Jesus heals. Absolutely! Oftentimes, within the shame carrier’s story, there
exists a great many misconceptions and areas of faulty thinking. Basically
within these stories, lies exist, either told to them directly or developed out
of frustration of trauma. These lies have to be assessed and reframed in order
for the survivor to be healed completely. For their true selves to emerge. At
which point, the love of Christ within a person has the potential to become
truly manifest. That love can bloom and blossom. Look at the child. They are
unconcerned with worldly things such as money or people’s opinions. They simply
chase their dreams. They simply dance and beat to the drum their own beautiful
hearts emit. This is what the Gospel means, “To enter the Kingdom of Heaven, we
need to have the heart of a child.” This does not mean being childish. It
simply means being unrestricted by the weights of this life. To be free. To
have one’s spirit in harmony with their body. I am learning this. Still, I am
carrying the repressed emotions from my childhood still. Dang, I was terrified
of people’s opinions as a baby. Because unfair burdens were placed upon my shoulders
as a child. Burdens that not even adults should have to carry. Let us remember
the vast complexity, indeed resilience of childhood. Though they are resilient,
they are vulnerable as well. What is done to them and around them affects them
greatly. I simply want to encourage you tonight. Children are so precious. Life
is so incredibly precious and beautiful. They are also incredibly vulnerable
and impressionable. We need to care for them. We need give them a future, which
they can laid hold of firmly and confidently, with both hands, saying, “thank
you for giving me life. I exist today, because at a point in my existence,
somebody (many people) decided that I was worthy of life and of the investment
in my life.” Let the little children come to Jesus. For He loves such as these.
