Let the little children come unto me (Jesus)

So you also, when you have done everything you were told to do, should say, 'We are unworthy servants; we have only done our duty.’” Luke 17:10

Suffering itself, suffering for suffering’s sake does not make one holy. Unless that suffering was endured for His glory. It’s about how we react to suffering. And I do not feel I am doing that bad, in the face of everything I am up against. I hope you will be able to see, by the grace of God, just how much faith it took. I have told my story. The symptoms are all there. I am not nor have I ever expected anyone to believe until after there was corroboration. When the truth comes out, read my writings again. God bless you. Remember that the world needs to rejoice. I know it cannot make sense to you entirely. With what’s happening in the world.

What I need is the love I never received as a child. When Christ came to me, I was a mess, emotionally, physically and spiritually. I still struggle. But I think I really owe it to myself to stop, look backwards and see just how far I have come. I need to stop feeling badly about who I am. I need to stop seeing everything that is bad and negative about me. I need to recognize that I am a child of God. And that that is paramount to any despair, any trauma and any failure I could have. God fills this gap with His Holy Ghost. I want this. I want to live and love. I don’t know how to. I am learning. And I am fighting so darned hard for the life that I know I deserve. I don’t need love as a reward for something I’ve done or said. I don’t even need reciprocal love. What I need, what I crave and deserve is unconditional love. There is only one place from which to get that. When my mission is accomplished, I will be at peace.

Jesus called them together and said, “’You know that those who are regarded as rulers of the Gentiles lord it over them, and their high officials exercise authority over them. Not so with you. Instead, whoever wants to become great among you must be your servant, and whoever wants to be first must be slave of all.’”

“Each person should remain in the situation they were in when God called them.” For a long time, I got hung up on this passage. Passages like it, like he who desires to be exalted will be humbled. And he who humbles himself will be exalted. I feared that accepting the glory that God had prepared for me would go against these passages. I refuse to believe this lie any longer. We should know that we cannot perform a closed reading of Scripture with the intent of getting at its entire purpose. We need to read it in context. The context of the Bible is God’s love for His Creation, His glory. These passages can be contrasted with others, like, “Do not lose your saltiness.” Or “You wouldn’t light a lamp and place it under a bushel.” God wants to glorify us. This is how He is glorified on earth. But we cannot forget that while everybody in this world suffers, some suffer a lot more. There are reasons for this.

I’m not looking to be rewarded. I’m looking for peace. I believe strongly that God will use me. I was kind of born for this. But, “For the corruptible body weighs down the soul, and this earthly dwelling presses many thoughts upon the mind” (Wisdom 9:15). I didn’t write that prophecy. Nor was I created for it. That prophecy was written for me. Things were to be much better. I am kind of ashamed of what I forfeited because I didn’t feel worthy and couldn’t trust. I am not just a prophet to the Church. Let us remember that worldly glory is not necessarily conflicting with God’s will. We don’t have to be a religious to serve God. We can serve God in so many ways. Doctors are serving God. If the heart is in the right place. #David. # Solomon.

I am the first to question my own worth. Emotions accumulate as well as trauma and shame. We need to express these emotions otherwise they continue to have an effect on our daily interactions. I don’t want attention. I don’t feel I deserve it. In a lot of ways, I don’t feel I am healthy enough. When I laugh and divert my eyes from people because they give me attention, this is not because of pride. It is because I get really overwhelmed and don’t know how to accept it. Maybe mixed emotions. It is not a result of pride. Validation would be encouraging for what I have been through and in a lot of ways am still going through. Just enough attention to help the right thing happen. It’s not about me. It is about truth. It’s about His beautiful Jesus. Wait. If it is God’s plan, He will glorify me as I deserve. I have faith in His love. Wait until there is reason to rejoice. And when there is reason to rejoice, honor will be given where it is due.

Don’t forget that there is a story, a whole life behind my testimony. Things will be made clear. Things will be better. This is about truth.

Jesus, I never said I was nor would I insinuate that I was a savior. Jesus is the only king. For me to downplay the nature of my mission would not be in true humility. Humility tells the truth. And you give honor where it is owing. I am a prophet. Who would argue that the world is in a bad place? Is it a Christian idea that the world deserves to be in a bad place? I believe that God would want to give His children a chance to repent first. Is this such a bad thing?

I recently finished reading a book on childhood sexual abuse recovery that juxtaposed the experiences of a number of very brave and beautiful people, their experiences with sexual trauma as children, to that of the sufferings and betrayals of the Lord Jesus Christ. It was a beautiful yet sobering book. I think that the biggest gift I received from the book was an outlet in the process towards the healing of my own shame. For a long time, probably since before I can remember, I suffered from a false toxic shame as a result of others actions towards me. The journey to recover from sexual abuse is very real. But so is the ability to heal and recover with the Spirit, to become emotionally clear and purified. The book shared this verse: “This is the message we have heard from him and declare to you: God is light; in Him there is no darkness at all. If we claim to have fellowship with him yet walk in the darkness, we lie and do not live by the truth. But if we walk in the light, as he is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus, his Son, purifies us from all sin. If we claim to be without sin, we deceive ourselves and the truth is not in us. If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness” (1 John 1:5-9). Abuse is sin and causes damage to its victim. The paradoxical tragedy about abuse is that abuse survivors live with the damage created by someone else’s sin. Shame is very real. And it weighs us down deeply. The effect that gives abuse its power is not so much only the timeline of events. It is an extra dimension of shame and secrecy, fear and silence, justified anger and suppression. This passage from 1 John emphasizes the fact that Jesus can cleanse us from all sin and unrighteousness. Even if that sin is not our own. God would never hold a child abuse victim responsible for what they endured. They are just children. We need to tell God the truth as it is in our lives and allow God to cleanse us from that truth. We need to acknowledge the damage caused by that truth. I prayed this prayer a couple of days ago. Wow! Physically and completely, I did not expect to be healed. But I am feeling so empowered. I am feeling for the first time as though I have an identity. I feel like my feet are connected to the ground on which I walk. It could be simply endorphins I feel about the faith I feel for the future. I will say this: by accepting truth and shedding shame, we can become stronger, compassionate and empowered people. I get encouraged to think about the first time I set foot in a counselor’s office, the first time I entered my group therapy and recognize immediately how well I am doing today. I remind myself of just how far I have come. At my worst, relearning to breathe and swallow my own saliva. At my worst, dragging my feet through the parallel bars at a children’s rehabilitation hospital. At my worst, fixating my sight at the clock in front of me in my own bedroom, in dissociation because it was too painful to even feel. At my best, content in my faith. At my best, feeling good about myself, who I am and not being ashamed of being a human being. I’ll never forget the first time I realized the terrible impact of what happened to me. The sudden awareness of all of these terrible things done to me, the sudden awareness and deep guilt for things that I myself had done was shattering. But I was not alone. And that painful experience was definitely not the end. There was hope in my future. There was peace after the struggle. There was contentment after the fear and shame. I’ll never forget the first time I walked into my group therapy for men survivors of child sexual abuse. I was shivering and emotionally closed off. It was in learning to be vulnerable that I was able to better understand and embrace what I have been through. We need remember at every point in this life, because we are all walking along this path together, we are not alone. We need learn to depend on one another. Mostly, we are not alone because we have One who has gone before us. One who has suffered the human experience greatly, who has felt shame, humiliation, who has been betrayed and injured deeply. One who has conquered death, suffering and fear so that we are able to LIVE. I want to take an opportunity to thank you for your faith in the past. I know that what I could have given you was more. Please continue to have faith. There is a reason for everything. And I pray the reason will be revealed. I ask you to remember the countless times I turned my cheek to oppression and violence. Please remember that I forgave. Remember that I overcame a massive injury and terrible crimes. I know I push away offers of love and attention at times. Please just remember the fact that I was never permitted to develop the emotional, social and tools of intimacy that many grow with naturally. It’s not an excuse. But it’s a reason. It’s a reason I am fighting very hard to correct. Shame is not temporary. Shame is something we carry with us. And that shame accumulates. Please remember what I have been through when you examine my life. This is not about reputation or what we do or say. People are very much more than simply what we see on the surface. This is both Biblically sound as well as Catechetical.

What is the remedy for toxic shame? For shame in general? This is a difficult question. It is a mindset unlike most others. From my understanding, every emotion has a corresponding outlet. Some way through which we can channel that emotion. Sadness, sorrow. What do we do with sadness? We cry. With joy, with happiness, we can smile, we can laugh. With anger, we learn to express it in healthy and constructive ways. With shame, however, what I am learning is that the only remedy is to speak your heart. To speak your story. We need to be honest with our emotions and learn to become vulnerable with our true selves. We need to heal our inner children. We need to take care of ourselves. After all, if we do not love ourselves, how can we love others? Jesus heals. Absolutely! Oftentimes, within the shame carrier’s story, there exists a great many misconceptions and areas of faulty thinking. Basically within these stories, lies exist, either told to them directly or developed out of frustration of trauma. These lies have to be assessed and reframed in order for the survivor to be healed completely. For their true selves to emerge. At which point, the love of Christ within a person has the potential to become truly manifest. That love can bloom and blossom. Look at the child. They are unconcerned with worldly things such as money or people’s opinions. They simply chase their dreams. They simply dance and beat to the drum their own beautiful hearts emit. This is what the Gospel means, “To enter the Kingdom of Heaven, we need to have the heart of a child.” This does not mean being childish. It simply means being unrestricted by the weights of this life. To be free. To have one’s spirit in harmony with their body. I am learning this. Still, I am carrying the repressed emotions from my childhood still. Dang, I was terrified of people’s opinions as a baby. Because unfair burdens were placed upon my shoulders as a child. Burdens that not even adults should have to carry. Let us remember the vast complexity, indeed resilience of childhood. Though they are resilient, they are vulnerable as well. What is done to them and around them affects them greatly. I simply want to encourage you tonight. Children are so precious. Life is so incredibly precious and beautiful. They are also incredibly vulnerable and impressionable. We need to care for them. We need give them a future, which they can laid hold of firmly and confidently, with both hands, saying, “thank you for giving me life. I exist today, because at a point in my existence, somebody (many people) decided that I was worthy of life and of the investment in my life.” Let the little children come to Jesus. For He loves such as these.