These are my
personal reflections. The ideas are not new but my thoughts are original.
Again, anger, if
focused well gives the bearer of this emotion the grace of healing. Anger in of
itself is not an evil emotion. It can be utilized in sinful ways but the
emotion is a very natural response. It tells us when our boundaries are being
infringed upon. When we are experiencing an injustice. This is the key for
survivors of childhood trauma, particularly sexual abuse in childhood. Because
of the secrecy involved with the crime and the methods of shame employed in
silencing, much of the time the emotions, which are nurtured as a result of
these ‘crimes’ people cannot immediately express and process. Therefore, these
emotions become trapped within the body. In so, the memories become repressed.
Thereby, our memories, our emotions are trapped. These emotions, these
memories, though we do not remember them, will still have a weighty influence
on our behavior, our attitude, our beliefs. I would even venture to say that
people who were not abused as children (if it were at all possible) are
impacted by this effect of shaming as well. Everybody has a little repressed
anger. The degree of anger we experience will be proportional to the amount of
injustice we have experienced. So, how do we heal? It is a process. I have to
admit, for years I believed that it was a lifelong journey to healing. It’s
not. It truly is not. Jesus can provide the healing, as quickly as the blink of
an eye. But. We have to heal these memories, particularly the emotions that are
trapped. Otherwise, we are like little children led by Jesus. Yes, we are led
by Jesus. But our true selves are still hindered. Our actions still guided, in
small part, by the accumulation of emotion in our own body. Our bodies are
leading us, by the accumulation of emotion within. As opposed to our spirits
leading our bodies. Yes, we need express our anger. There are healthy outlets
for our anger. Some draw. Some paint. Others jog. Even others box in a ring.
These are all healthy outlets. As a matter of fact, this is most often an
extremely integral piece of the puzzle. Before survivors realize about their
abuse, some are lethargic, others have unexplained physical problems. These
realizations of what they have endured give them an infuriating sense of drive
and a passion for themselves. A passion to care for themselves and to improve
their own life. They see, for the first time, the love they were deprived of
and the effect of the abuse and they say, ‘hey, you cannot do that to me! I am
alive and I am not going to let you hurt me.’ It is extremely empowering to
receive these memories. As traumatic as they are. It is a great mercy. For many
survivors, it offers a reason to live. A reason to fight. The point is: anger
is essential to healing. It gives us the will to fight. To make change. Anger
helps us to have a look at our situation with clarity. And indeed, righteous
anger very much improves focus and clarity. Sometimes for the first time. No,
my friends. Anger is not a sin. When I first realized what happened to me, I
became incensed. I wondered at how an adult could do that to a child. I
wondered at them. I remember screaming for hours. Placing an empty chair in the
middle of a room and screaming at it. Writing letters of confrontation to my
abusers, which I never sent and burned. It wasn’t until I finished my first
phase at the place of healing that I was given the great grace to participate
in, when Jesus found me that I began to heal. I was so wounded. I was very
angry. I am grateful I was healthy enough to restrain my anger. Even still, in
spite of this anger, the secrecy and shame in my case ran so deeply that I
still felt the obligation to protect them. When I began healing, I began to see
my abusers as more than simply what they had done to me. I began to see them
through a bigger lens. And especially, I began to wonder, quite probably, at
what they themselves must have endured to think it was normal. After a while, I
started to fast. To work out. I ate simply vegetables and water. I was reading
the Bible hours a day. Then I started having realizations about how I, myself
have affected others in my life. All of the sudden my rhetorical question of
how could an adult do that to another person, came tumbling down and became
unrhetorical. This, my friends, is a mercy. It is indeed a mercy to have the
knowledge within of knowing your potential to hurt and be hurt. It is blinding
to live thinking your actions have no effect on people. For me, my anger was
not really healed until I spent two years at a Catholic community. I haven’t
made this connection until now. I am realizing that I needed healthy examples
of true masculinity and love. Wow. It makes me weep. Most of the people I knew
growing up were incredibly explosive and unpredictable. But, in this, this
realization that I was capable and had done, of hurting others, put my life
into perspective. In this, is a great missing part, an integral part of the
puzzle of our humanity. Meditate on this. Anyways, anger can be incredibly
productive, incredibly healing and incredibly empowering. It is such a powerful
force. Having the capability to create a passion for life within us that builds
empires. Or it has the capability, if repressed, if undealt with, to give us
arthritis. To give us asthma, cancer, ulcers. Mental health. Anger is the key.
This is not new. Common sense is rarely learned in a book. For me, this is like
learning spelling in kindergarten. I can say it all I want. I have never had
the opportunity to express the repressed emotions in my body. Like I said,
without truth, I can forgive. I cannot heal. Truth is also an integral part of
healing. But not necessary in all cases. You see the change in me. You see how
I have dropped almost simultaneously and immediately every single coping
mechanism I developed that was sinful. I trust in Jesus and cast upon Him every
emotion in my body. If anything, I want you, my survivor brothers and sisters
(the world) to know that healing is most certainly possible. It is certainly
and most wonderfully attainable. Jesus gives that power. Jesus is the final
key. If you are willing, open your hearts to Jesus.
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