Grace

I was really starting to catch myself taking on a lot of negative things happening around me. In addition to everything that has happened at the support group, especially during my own primal recovery from abuse, I took a lot of the stuff I had heard there home with me. Later, I would be able to distance myself from the tragic stories of others until now, I feel stable in my ability to process what I am feeling more effectively. Yesterday, somebody jumped on the tracks at the subway. The second I heard this, my soul just dropped within me and I took on a bit of the responsibility for this. I hope anybody reading this can respect how difficult it is for me to acknowledge and process this. I feel as though I could have prevented stuff like this from happening, had I have been well enough to trust and accomplish my mission sooner. I feel this a lot. I feel a lot of painful and sorrowful responsibility for what happens. And in a lot of ways, it makes sense. But it’s unfair on myself to take on the entirety of this burden. God knows, I am so incredibly sorry that this is taking so long. And I wish I could have done things differently. I wish people could see how desperately and exasperatingly I am trying; that I weep and pray for days at times. And that I know that things will be set to the way they’re supposed to be. There will be justice. Anyways, this prayer, this reflection that I read grounded me and put things into perspective for me. It offered me a lot of hope. And that is how we are going to triumph, how we are going to win. This is how I am going to win and triumph. With hope. Please remember why I came, why I was sent on this mission. Not a conscious choice to not accept what you were offering. Not a wilful, conscious choice I am making to not trust. It’s a result of years of accumulation of stress and traumatic reaction. Neither am I in a sinful state. I am hurting. I can feel God’s compassion and love. He knows why I am having such a hard time. In spite of this, I know that trusting God in everything except one area is not fully dying to ourselves. Over the past decade, since beginning my healing journey, I’ve noticed the feelings, the negative ones, but mostly the positive ones being much more available for me to appreciate and process in a bodily and tangible way. Whereas in the past, I would have just buried them the moment they crept up. I want to acknowledge a vivid recollection I have now that I’ve wilfully shied away from in the past. This is an experience I had during my time in Heaven that stands out nearly as profoundly as any other. I am not aware of the two figures’ identities but the conversation is clear that we had. I’ll write about this later. It felt like we were alone, having a private conversation. They were telling me that a lot of the angels in Heaven were confused about the mission that I was being sent on. They said they didn’t understand why I should have to sacrifice so much. Here, he was speaking about the suffering of my youth. The work was completed on the Cross. They conjectured that it would have been a difficult mission for anyone. They said then that they all supported God in that His plan always works for the best and that His Will must be done. They said that God saw things that would ultimately bring good even if there was bad in the meanwhile. God saw things that nobody else could. They asked me what I thought then. I told them that God knew best and that I trusted Him. That there must be a reason for the purpose God had for the life I would live. I told them that I felt God’s love in my soul and that I wanted what He wanted for me and that I wanted what was best. I told them I struggled with shame. Even then, I felt it. They told me that when I was able to overcome my repressed emotions, it would be the first time in my life that I would be free of the weight holding me back. I was struggling. More than my struggle, I just wanted to please God. The conversation ends there. Its memory gives me hope. In that I will be with God and that I will always remember Him and His great love.

Within the Catholic Church, I sometimes get the impression that people believe they can earn their salvation. To a degree, yes it is true. Faith built on good works is important. But, never forget the grace of God. I was so incredibly blessed to have nurtured my faith in an evangelical church. There is a lot we can learn from our Protestant brothers and sisters. I am not speaking of the ideology itself. But the lifestyle and the habits of faith. There I learned the fact that God loves me, in spite of anything I could possibly do or say. And it’s a good thing. This free gift is available to all. And the worker who began his work in the beginning, will be paid the same wages as the worker who was hired in the final hour. The wages spoken of is eternity. It is no mystery that God chooses some and His grace is greater for some than others. I get the impression that people feel as though I don’t deserve God’s grace and favor because of my sins. Am I right? To these people, I pray for. I empathize with you as well. It cannot be comforting to know that you have worked for your whole life and to see this hardened guy come in the scene and be rewarded so much. I hear you. I am the first to acknowledge your concerns. Now, this is my perspective: God anointed me before I was born. No one says you have to believe private revelation. But this is just my faith and story. If God wants to make it known, He certainly will. Everything I suffered was for His glory and for this purpose. I have protested this to God Himself. Every time that I protest, His answer is the same. Whether I like it or not, the suffering of my childhood was endured for the glory of God. God can see in the crevices of our hearts and in every area, the places where humans don’t know to look, when judging. Again, just my faith. Not to mention, with tenderness and respect, the reason my sins are being revealed now is because satan wants to silence me. Can I tell you something? When these sins of mine started coming forward, a lot of my heavenly support ceased. God the Father had to tell these heavenly beings the truth, the nature and importance of a foundation, a childhood rooted in God. After He did this, these same angels returned to me and sought again to help me. The only thing that separates me from this is truth. Politics is unimportant. Jesus, well, it is important. But it is not the most important. Place God where He belongs. One other thing, to these people who are jealous of me, I say this: wait until the secret sins are unveiled. I do not say this to scare you. I pray that you will come to see how great a blessing this is of God. Truly, the greatest act of mercy since the cross. Grace, friends. Our salvation, the reason we love, the reason we hope. It’s a free gift. Say yes. Envy, while not a sin, will always lead to sinful action. Watch your heart. God chose me even if everyone else condemned me.

What is the purpose of confession if Jesus does completely away with sin? We all sin. Less after baptism. For me, it was not until my confirmation after which I quit most of the bad coping mechanisms I had developed. Actually, it was not until after I received this special healing from a Catholic community after which I was able to live a righteous life. Mind you, even after my confirmation, I was living a sinless life, I just had that ‘speaking to myself’ problem. Pay attention to what happens when any given person recollects memories of rape. What happens is that it almost becomes as though the rape were commit in that specific timing. When you assess my life, you are hearing about stuff I did, yes. I will not deny it. I did most of that stuff. Still, everything you are hearing about the way I acted happened decades to five years ago. You are not hearing who I am today. You are not hearing that I am an extremely devout and pious Catholic who is living consciously and of his own efforts, a completely righteous life. A Catholic who spent two years discerning to be a consecrated, who still feels called to this life. Everyone has secret sins. Again, I am grateful that my sins are coming to light so that I do not have to carry all of this weight into purgatory. I feel pity for those whose sins remain hidden. That’s a lot of weight to bear in the cleanse. Let us pray for the promised Illumination of Conscience. A private revelation is private until it is corroborated.

I never said anyone was destined to hell. I cannot imagine going to purgatory with the weight of all of that concealed sin. I am extremely blessed that the way I reacted is being illuminated. This was, I can process it all now and accept forgiveness for it now. I am praying for the souls in purgatory. Let us pray earnestly for the Illumination of Conscience. This is the thing I pray for most at this time. It may not appear on the surface, to be a blessing that my sins are being brought to light. It truly is a greater blessing than it is a curse. I pray this same illumination comes to everyone. Every one of us, even Cradle Catholics, have secret sins. For the state of our conscience, truly, as it is before God, to made clear to us, will be one of the most gracious acts of mercy God has offered to humanity since the Cross and Resurrection. Pray for it. Pray for it. Even if you feel you have no need. I cannot imagine having your sins revealed to the light and still not seeking repentance. God does not send people to hell. The Church does not send people to hell. People will choose hell of their own free will. This is why it is so vital, essential and imperative to remember that we are living this life for Eternity. God bless all.

I think I can remember a day when the Mass was exclusively about Jesus. Not about some social issue or about financial inequality. I yearn and long that this day would return and return quick. Jesus is at the center of the Holy Mass. Not climate change. God forbid, not me. Have you ever noticed that readings can differ from each other dramatically? So, in effect, what results is that the teaching of the Church can be one thing one day and a completely opposite thing the next. With Christ at the center of the message, this discrepancy will be focused and true.

This is a personal reflection. I was meant to overcome during the coma I was in. I spent time in The Kingdom of Heaven. I also spent time in hell. Afterwards, I spent time in Heaven again. Because I didn’t overcome my trauma, I am still being weighed down by everything I went through as a child. Because I didn’t overcome the trauma from my childhood, going into Heaven, my emotional well-being was still damaged. Some of the angels told me clearly that my emotions, my ability to feel were damaged. So going to Heaven, I didn’t experience the experiences the way that others may. To me, it was still burdened by the worries and anxieties in life, of which, even at the age of fifteen, I had more of than most people in life. I have been instructed, and do I have faith to believe that it is beneficial for me to utter this now, after so many years, because it may offer you some understanding as to why I am still having difficulties. I remember saying once that even the biggest and strongest of animals, if it’s mistreated enough, will learn to lower its head to every interaction. In spite of this, I am learning to love again. I couldn’t be happier. God is good. Please keep your hearts open. Have patience.

“Hope deferred, is the source of a sick heart.” That verse has stuck with me a bit lately. I empathize with how discouraging this is for many people. Believe me that I understand. This has tested my faith in a lot of ways. When what needs to happen happens, none of that will matter. The longer this goes on, the better this will be. Is it worth the beautiful and special lives that are being lost? There is very little that is worth the loss of a life. Especially the loss of a child. I just want to encourage you by saying that their lives and deaths are being used greatly and will be for the glory of God. Surviving family members and society in general may not be entirely comforted in this. And their grief is very understandable and should be allotted space in which to heal. Believe me when I say that there will be perfect justice. And there is comfort for the one who has faith in the fact that we are not living for this life. Put it mildly, this life is kind of an anomaly in the greater picture of Eternity. It is literally like a grain of sand in the channels of eternity. We are living this life for Eternity. These will be rewarded greatly. And we will see them again. The longer this goes on, more valuable truth of Christ will be. I have to believe this.