Sexuality (Updated) (Updated)

Women are beautiful. So are men. We are all beautiful.

I don’t hate women. I am just very traumatized. There are a lot of really great women out there. When truth comes out, this will make a lot more sense. I do not know how. It’s not only that. It’s that I do not feel I deserve. Every time I imagine myself happy and with someone, I feel terrible shame. And then there is the fact that there are only bad, traumatic thoughts associated with intimacy, sex and love. I experienced a kind of miracle with a certain someone years ago, which allowed my heart to open a while. But is still very overwhelming. It feels like with each relationship and friendship I develop, it gets a little bit easier. But it still feels almost catastrophic every time I meet someone new.

I am traumatized. This that hinders my true expression of my soul. Is this not what I have been saying from the start? We need to nurture our foundations. Children need love in their developments, trauma accumulates and how to heal from these repressed memories.

The fact that one of my abusers was so important to me and that she claimed I was so important to her and the fact that in spite of that she could hurt me so much, forced me to come to the generalization that all women were hurtful and trying to hurt me.

This next statement is an author note, inserted from my present perspective because I feel so badly. Women are beautiful. There is nothing wrong with the female body. I just was reacting based on the things that were done to me. Mostly, I am very ashamed of my treatment of women over the course of my life. But it was just that, an instinctive reaction. Had I have been able to tell my truth sooner in my life, I know my love for all of you would have blossomed well. I just want to say that there is nothing wrong with the female gender and God absolutely does love you all. You are beautiful to God. I felt I had to say that because of the grace shown me and my irrational yet very rational fears.

I’m scared of women. But again, I want you to know that this was a defence mechanism that my mind created in order to protect me. In order to ensure that I would never be hurt again, in my child’s mind, I lumped women together into an entity that was to be avoided because the hurt that I felt, caused by a single woman was dreadful. I want you to know I desire intimacy and connection. But most of all, I want you to know that I know that women are beautiful and worthy of respect. But there is absolutely a very good reason I have, I assure you. I hope more will be revealed to you. If it’s not, I will understand it is for the benefit of your world.

This is about people. It’s not always about men and women. It’s about love and respect. View things soberly apart from the customs of the world. Men were children too. And children can hurt. As it is written in Ecclesiastes, ‘we all were born with eternity on our hearts’. We need to seek God.

I don’t feel as though I am showing enough love in some of the Truths that I have disclosed to you. I don’t want to hurt anyone. There are too many times that I feel I have disclosed Truth in which I have been cold in its conveyance. In that vein, I feel it is necessary to address my last couple of entries. I do not hate women. Women are beautiful creatures of God and I want more than anything to show them how much I respect them. As I wrote to you, journal, some time ago in response to the entry that I reposted, I am merely frightened of them. I am avoidant because I do not want to be hurt again in an intimate way. I can speak to women for a while and even relate to them if I feel that there is no sexual threat. I would stifle myself in past, either repress completely my sexuality or counter any advances in my mind as nothing. Whenever I had a friendship with a woman in the past, I would rule out the possibility of sex very early so that the friendship could exist. Even if I was attracted. Sexual experiences and most of the time, mannerisms that had the potential to lead to sex were too traumatic for me. There were a couple of times during which I became close enough to women so that I really started to feel like love for them. In any case, I will not give up. My heart deserves love. You’d expect a police officer to understand this gender fear following abuse. Not all do though. Being a victim does not mean having a victim mentality. How very complex, the human being. I am not a fool. Nor am I trying to be mean. The fact is that I very, very much want desperately to be intimate with another human being. I want so much to feel healthy, natural love that is mutual and tender. I just wish people would understand that when I recoil from their efforts, it rarely has anything to do with the other person. A lot of the time, I feel very broken. And there are so many factors that contribute to my very rational fears. Even many of the social conventions that go along with dating, I am clueless about because most of the time, these manners are learned traits. I am not trying to feel bad about myself. I just want to explain a bit so that the people who have expressed interest in me, at a point in the past, will someday know that I did not in any manner of ways intend to hurt them. When an animal is neglected and abused for most of its life, it would take a lot of patience for it to open up. But, a lot of the time, I need to remember that I am not the only one who life affects. We are all reacting in so many ways. I have so much love in my heart and soul to offer. We all do. It just manages on life’s course, to get buried deep beneath trauma and hurt. And there is a difference between suffering and being hurt and being hateful and angry. I realize that this is my own issue and that I have to overcome it by myself. Today, I am grateful that I have been able to work through enough painful experiences that I am able to accept myself as a loving being. And I do have absolute faith that Christ can heal me. In the sense that I will overcome, I don’t expect anything from anybody. I feel as if I am improving a lot. I am not limiting myself anymore and am open to the concept of love and intimacy. I am just very faithful that whatever has to happen will happen and I will continue to have faith. Because it’s not in the times of joy, the times of blessings that faith counts as much.

Today, I am grateful for the Spirit of Easter. I am so thankful for our Lord Jesus Christ, His death, but mostly, His resurrection, which gave hope to all mankind. This season reminds me that there is still so much hope for me, God’s grace willing and that my wounds can still be healed. Years ago, I went to a support group for child sexual abuse survivors. The topic we discussed was sexuality. I found myself bitter at even the thought and announced that I had little to say on the subject. Until, the end of the meeting came and one of the facilitators asked me about my perspectives on pornography. I found myself speaking for a couple of minutes about my intense fear of women because of the nature of the relationship with the person who continually abused me in emotional and often aggressively sexual ways. Others in the group empathized but were in one way or another, more able than I, to connect with another being. Overall, a general theme that we all found it incredibly difficult to allow ourselves to be vulnerable, rang out. Most of the guys there were lucky, blessed enough to be able to form this bond with others. For me, in this session of the group, I was able to process a lot of my fears regarding women. I am avoidant because I do not want to be hurt again. It’s an instinctual fear that paralyzes me and has ruined many opportunities and relationships for me. Love heals. It absolutely does. Sometimes, a person who has been hurt really badly with love as the reason for their expressing that hurt toward that person, that person needs to be shown love. Think of a dog, beaten, abused and neglected from its very first day alive. At the sign of affection, really any sign of contact with it, it will recoil and resist, perhaps even becoming aggressive. How much more complex, the human being. I do not hate women. I am only very scared of them. Much like an abused woman will be scared of men (if her abuser is a male). Overall, I have faith in my Lord who, with faith, was able to raise the dead, heal the lame and cure the blind. And I will not give up on love. I am thankful for a God who loves me even though I was never taught how to or shown any love.

I remember reading a while ago, a book by Wendy Maltz. It was called the Sexual Healing Journey. It really resonated with me. It talked a lot about something that’s really important to me. Intimacy and sex. I have been hurt a lot in my life and I recognize that I don’t have a lot of the resources, physically, as a result of emotional panic, and emotionally because of injuries as others do. I find it really stressful to date. In the book, it spoke about something, which really captivated me. It spoke about finding a partner or friend who is willing and patient enough to take things as slow as you require. Instead of jumping into bed after the first night of knowing each other, survivors often need to hold hands first. Or something. Survivors really need to take things slowly. Otherwise, things can become really stressful for them. Thinking about this made me reflect over the first girlfriend I had. She was a beautiful, Christian girl who was extremely patient with me for some reason. We were young at the time and entering the relationship (if you want to call it that) was terribly nerve-racking for me. I remember it took me nearly a semester to be able to open up to her enough to ask to hold her hand. I even had difficulty speaking to her. Opening my heart. I remember our first kiss was on the 18^th green of the golf course I was a member at. This occasion occurred nearly a year after we started dating. I still feel like this. It is extremely stressful for me to get to know someone new. But it’s something I want, crave and need. Sometimes, all we need is to know that somebody is going to be there. Through the good times and the bad. People have had enough rejection and hurt.

This is the only reason I was able to open my heart to a friend years ago. This friend was more than patient with me. We had been friends for nearly a year. Also she expressed interest verbally. Also, she sought me. Maybe I am a little autistic. I say that humorously. But seriously. I do not understand body language. I do not understand social cues. I understand things literally.

Why do you call me a heartbreaker? My heart is very clearly broken from trusting my relationally close female abuser. I am particularly triggered by women I am attracted to.

Sexuality is a sacred theme in our world today. As it should be. Though I don’t feel we are going down the right path in terms of how we are addressing the issue, it is true that human sexuality is interwoven with our identities. What happens when a child is injured so severely in such significant ways? When a child is injured sexually, it can interrupt and interfere with their entire development. Children learn how to interact with the world from other people. Children learn about sex from other people. These traumas can influence or manipulate our sexualities, our personalities, our emotions as we age. I am not saying anyone else has experienced what I have. But this is true. In my case, my sexuality was injured from a very young age. I am not effeminate. I am not gay. I am wounded. My masculinity is wounded. My sexuality is wounded.

Just with toxic feminism, there is toxic masculinity. I feel many people recoil when I use this language. Hear me out: Toxic masculinity stems from woundedness just the same but it encompasses notions like the fact that a man must be stoic, repress his emotions and be always strong. The idea that men can never be weak is an illusion difficult to live up to. Gender roles are not as strict as tradition enforces them to be. Gender roles are vital to the family unit and are essential within a properly functioning world. But, each individual case is rarely the same. Surely, each situation deserves to be assessed for the situation itself. A man, burly though he may be and with a full beard he may have. If he has a spinal injury, no one could expect him to spend the days chopping wood. Bravery, courage, valor, being a man is all in learning to love and serve the other. The path toward this is in processing our own past wounds. Otherwise, we are stuck as our inner children in pain that was never expressed. 

The point? Men need a place to express their emotions. We’ve been conditioned to repress our emotions as they come. This is the cause for a lot of mental health problems. Men need and deserve to be vulnerable and to have their feelings justified and validated. This is learned especially in childhood, either the tendency of the child to repress or to express their feelings. This tendency is almost entirely controlled by external factors, influence of other people, role models, and authority figures. Here is wisdom: Strength is not in suppressing and covering the strings of our heart. Rather, true strength, true courage lies in the ability to be vulnerable and sincerely intimate. I hear you.

I have taken a personal vow of celibacy since 2016. I have been chaste for three years. This vocation is kind of forced upon me because of my childhood. To be honest, I am scared to death of women, especially intimacy. It is a result of being traumatized by a close female figure. Still, I have found great purpose and grace and blessing in this vocation. Because it is lived out for and in Jesus. I know if God desires for me to be blessed by affection, love, intimacy and union, what can stop His will. Until then, I am married also to Jesus. I am married to our Lady. It is not a sin to be curious. It is not a sin to admire beauty. Though, what is beautiful outside may not be beautiful inside. 

We need to see people as God sees them. Our world has been stumbled into seeing people as manifest and chosen creations of their own will. Life is less intentional than that. Even our wills are less intentional than that. Within a person, a man or a woman, there is an infinite universe of possibilities. We see on the front only what they present. And so, our judgment, while correct from a point of view, ignores this possibility of hope. Perhaps it makes more sense to illustrate this from the perspective of a child. Because it is then that hope is most evident. Still, even within a fully grown, elderly person, there is also a universe of hope. I am not talking about alternate dimensions. What I am talking about is choice. Human beings possess the infinite capacity for futures because every moment, we are presented with choice. These choices, every one influences our future, sets us into a path. This is how God sees the person. In childhood, we are presented with a choice. An unfurling of our lives is presented before us. We choose the lives we will live in childhood. This is the prime reason foundation, healthy love in childhood is so important. We learn everything about how to navigate our lives in our childhood. Sexual liberation frees up the soul. It unfurls the mystery of God's Heaven-given identity within a person. Sexual interference, on the other hand, closes the soul in fear and shame. The choices that we have made in the past build upon themselves until they have become the template for our present and future choices.

Here’s a little revelation that might upset you. Only because it is so unorthodox. The apostle Paul was very vigilant about his faith. This was the way everything had to be. As this has to be now. God is not as scared of human sexuality as many would make it seem. We, as a culture, need sexual healing. We have become so uptight and vigilant in our own traumas and unhealed hurts. We need to liberate ourselves. Before you get uptight with what I have just said, I am not calling for a sexual revolution. I am not calling for priests to marry. There is a place for those who are called to be pillars in their vocations, which are called to completely detach from the world in chastity. What I am talking about is healing our core identities through intimacy, vulnerability and passion. Sex is not an evil thing. God loves us and wants all of us to be happy. Don’t believe me? Too liberal? It’s not. Just wait.. I pray that God reveals to you what is happening in the world so that you may see why this has to be. The Apostle Paul, also like Jesus, came to set fire between the world. It had to be. God doesn’t want there to be people like me, who were so traumatized in childhood that they repress their sexuality and in turn, their God given identity. Wounded people need help to mend. The more difficulty a person is having in the world, the more wounded they are. It's not hard to see that people who have behavioural problems are very hurt. Thus, the more help they need. A wounded dog is a good analogy. How can we reintegrate these wounded animals? At first, they will bark and bite and resist. It’s with love that they come to recognize their own safety and worth. If we can do this for a dog, can we do it for people? I’m not talking about me. There are billions of people who don’t know the love of God. They don’t know the love of God because of the way that human love has been used as a weapon towards them. Billions. Even within the Church.  

God wanted me to experience love and life before my departure. I chose to suffer for His glory in my youth. I’m kind of embarrassed about what I sacrificed because I didn’t feel worthy. I never got the rehabilitation that I needed for what happened to me. What would have happened if truth about what was happening to me came out when I was a young boy, a teenager after that injury? People’s reaction would have been very different. I need to know that sexuality was not bad. I am very hurt this way. The core of my identity is really hurt by what happened to me. The way to heal this is only through passion and intimacy. Everyone has sexuality. This is the reason I keep looking at women. There is nothing evil in admiring beauty and in being curious. This is the reason, every three months, I am waken almost forcibly by sleep disturbances. I have not used porn in almost a decade. This is still the case. I am just craving passion, love so badly. My heart is bursting. I shared these experiences with past SD’s. They seem uninterested in the fact that it almost happens against my will, in sleep and each time that the Lord comes to me. There is a satanic contract over my soul that I never experience passion, which I cannot break on my own. I think you might be misunderstanding. I am not called to celibacy and chastity. Regardless, I have been living as such since I started at the religious community. Consistently, every three months, I experience these wretched sleep disturbances, which trigger me and make me feel filthy. The whole world is not called to chastity and celibacy. If this were the case, procreation would be much rarer. What is mortal sin for one person may not be as mortal for the next. All I am saying. I used to believe that the reason I couldn’t accomplish the will of God was because I did not feel worthy. Truth is, my soul is wounded. Because of what happened to my body. I need help. By the way, again, it is excommunicable for confession sin matter to be disclosed. You know I am a changed heart. Every way that I reacted I have ceased. It’s only in this special and sacred way that I need to care for.

I am beginning to see why I am so important to God the Father. Why He chooses to bless me so much. It’s because my mission literally began before my birth, in Heaven. He asked me to do this mission. He asked me to endure what I endured. The reason for the blessings are because God wants my soul so much. He knew what I would be up against, how difficult my life would be. I actually endured a crucifixion in my childhood. The Father feels responsible for my fate. This is the reason I am so important to God. I want my Father to know that I love Him. I choose Him. Still, I am going to need help.