Intention

I am sorry for how long this has gone on. I am not postponing this or withholding it. The reason for my disobedience is because my soul was wounded. In my past writings, I wrote that the reason I couldn’t accomplish God’s will sooner was because I was so hurt. I struggled to trust and even felt unworthy. While this is true. These wounds are real and deep. I have come to learn that the problem is a bit deeper.

From a physical plane, it is clear to see how wounded I am. It’s evident in the fact that my legs tremor violently every time I am frightened. It’s not as clear to see how emotionally and spiritually wounded I am. Ever since I gave my life to Christ, in baptism, I have had an internal struggle going on within myself. Because I was so wounded emotionally, I have a difficulty where I vocalize my emotions, what I am feeling and how I judge a situation. You have all heard me criticizing communism in one of these rants. Prior to my journey to the religious community, I had a lot of emotions, which I did not know what to do with or how to express properly. So, I vented. I am sure you have all seen me shouting as I walk down the street. While, this reaction has settled since my stay at the religious community, due to the healing I received there and the good examples of how men interact with conflict, I have always struggled to reconcile my faith with my emotional wounds. I struggled to reconcile my faith, which says to turn the other cheek and forgive, with my emotional wounds. It was even more confusing, I am sure not only for me, that while I was yelling down the street, I could be simultaneously offering my seat on the bus to an older person or giving money to someone on the street. These episodes were most often caused by panic attacks or flashbacks. You have to be able to acknowledge that this situation (what is happening in the world in relation to me) is entirely unpredictable. It cannot be difficult to see why this is all overwhelming and even frightening for me that everyone’s – EVERYONE’s – perceptions about me flip 180degrees every couple of hours. It’s terribly nerve racking. I always felt terribly after having one of these episodes. I have taken it to confession many times. Each time, I wondered why I was not improving. Finally, I took it to confession at my traditional parish in Ottawa. I told the priest what was happening and how I was feeling. He told me that I was inculpable and only vocalizing my thoughts. Merited, there were probably many times where there was sin in what I was doing (again, who can say they are not sinful?) what this priest said to me that day was like healing balm across the wounds of my soul.

I was meant to overcome death during the coma I was in. I spent time in The Kingdom of Heaven. I also spent time in hell. Afterwards, I spent time in Heaven again. Because I didn’t, I am still being burdened by everything I went through as a child. Because I didn’t overcome the trauma from my childhood, going into Heaven, my emotional well-being was still damaged. Some of the angels told me clearly that my emotions, my ability to feel were damaged. So going to Heaven, I didn’t experience the experiences the way that it was intended. To me, it was still burdened by the worries and anxieties in life, of which, even at the age of fifteen, I had more of than most people in life. I have been instructed, and have faith to believe that it is beneficial for me to utter this now, after so many years, because it may offer you some understanding as to why I am still having difficulties.

The reason I struggle so much, in spite of how much the Spirit is already doing for me is because of my unprocessed trauma. I made the decision to overcome this trauma at the end of my life because I feared being hurt again. Unprocessed trauma interrupts the human’s ability to be happy, creative. It’s like carrying a weight around with you, the weight proportional to the traumas you’ve endured. It’s like I have had to learn to do everything with my non-dominant hand. It’s the reason I have struggled so much in life. It’s the reason I struggled with addiction until Christ came to me. It’s the reason I got into collisions and it’s the reason I struggle in prayer. None of this is character trait. None of this is who I am. This is all a symptom of suffering. Suffering, if not endured in Christ, opens a door for the evil one and interrupts our being who God intended us to be. We all experience this on some level. I’m a prophet because of what I have endured. And, not only for the Church. I am smart enough to recognize that God doesn’t need me to speak for things to happen as they will. I’m foolish enough to want to speak anyway. The completion of my mission is not in anything I do or say. Rather it is in the truth about this. The reason I remain silent about certain things is because I want to leave it for the glory of God. I recognize that I have to be in a state of holiness. But even this is complicated and not entirely conscious. The reason I speak is because I get scared because y’all seem to forget when I don’t remind you. Ultimately, everything is for the glory of the Father and His Son, Jesus Christ. In glorifying Him, I believe I will be glorified.

I was chosen before my birth. I said yes prior to my birth. The corruptible body weighs down the incorruptible soul. I underestimated the effect of trauma on the developing body and a good Christian foundation. The trauma I endured was too much for my body. Point is, I accepted this mission in Heaven prior to my birth. The reason I cannot say yes now is because I cannot trust. I am wounded. I already possess salvation. I need help overcoming the ritual abuse. These pacts is the reason I cannot trust. Do you hear me, Christians? I need help. What would a Christian response be to hearing that a little baby was given to satan and then raped daily into his twenties? I am going to die because of the accumulation of stress and repressed emotions in my body. I cannot think of a greater reward than physical resurrection in this life. Also, do you think my sins disqualify me from being used by God? Wait for the unveiling of sins. That will happen very soon. Look, I am afraid. Satan has been trying to extinguish me since I was born. I hope there is a chance for me to be quiet. I am afraid it will happen even if I don’t want it to. You’re already proving this in your desire for me to repare for my sins. I can barely walk! Yet you want to kill me! I am terribly traumatized! Yet you want to kill me! Talking about sin, you know a nocturnal emission is not mortal sin. This is and has been what I have struggled with over the past two years. This has also been the great majority of my confession matter, which I take to confession for healing of shame. Interesting to hear different priest’s opinions about that. One priest at my church sighs and hesitates before offering me absolution. Another refuses me absolution. The other tells me sincerely that it is something that is inculpable, that is just a part of nature. My sexuality is quite wounded. It would be foolish to say that my past grievous sins were a mistake in my ministry. Most of them were commit prior to my baptism. What does a baptism mean? We know what this is all about. Bitterness. Envy. Look, I don’t know how to be quiet. You have broken into every single place I can write privately! Name of God! How can I be silent when you are in my brain?

There will be evidence of what I claim. Facts are not truth. You know this to be true simply by the accompanying signs. Honestly, I don’t know why truth is not coming in my case even while every sneeze I had in kindergarten is coming out. It seems a little absurd. Especially if what I am claiming is true. When I was in heaven, I remember the angels saying that I had to try my hardest to accomplish this before too long. Because the longer it went on, the harder it would get on me and on the world. Try hard I did. I am meant to die because of the accumulation of trauma in my body but also as a sort of sacrificial offering for this particular ubiquitous sin. Fact is I was meant to do this over a decade ago. The reason it has dragged on so long is because this contract is still in place. Again, I have heaven. I have the Spirit. But, I can’t overcome this pact myself with the emotions still trapped. I used to think the reason I could not accomplish my mission was because I couldn’t trust. Or I felt unworthy. I am beginning to see that it is because I am still held by this. God always wanted me to die a happy death. All this to say that I am not simply a bystander, sharing his opinion but not doing anything. I feel I can offer some insight into the things I know in the time that has arisen as a result of my late coming. My writings are true. Even though, at times, I regret writing some of it. God love my abusers. They are simply misguided by their own feelings and traumas. God love them. I hope to see you and rejoice with you in heaven when this world is over.

There is a lot more to this than simply my forgiveness. This is not something I am withholding from the world. I tell you I have forgiven thousands of times. This is an incredibly complex issue. I am reaching out for spiritual help. In the past, I believed I was able to handle this issue on my own. I thought I was dealing with it. I have tried approaching SD's in the past about this. They never have much to say about it. Or it's viewed with incredulity. There is a matter related to many confessions I have made over the past couple of years that I feel I have omitted. For the past ten years, I have been fairly comfortable in knowing what God's will is for me. I wrote about it. I was meant to accept the Spirit of God when He first came to me. I wasn’t able to because I was in so much pain. God didn’t give up on me. I was meant to offer my life. This was what was expected of me. Something great was to happen at my death. Please understand that from the first time I was called to have died, I have been in a battle with my body. This is why I wrote a little novella in 2012. When I returned from Florida in 2013, I drove to parks where I was in the Word for hours each day. When I returned from Iceland, I remember laying in my bed for an hour before I fell asleep, repeating over and over, ‘I am ready, Lord’. But I really wasn’t ready. And it isn’t about what you do or say. I sincerely pray that He will be glorified and that your world will find reason to rejoice. I want you to know that I have tried very hard. I have not given up hope. Actually I believe very strongly that what will happen will serve to bring more glory to God. What I am looking for guidance about is the fact that for these ten years, Jesus visits me. He has told me a lot. I am not trying to prove these locutions. In time, people will know. A common word in each vision is that He asks me to open my heart. There is a whole story behind this. In the past, when I have heard this, I have stayed up in prayer these nights. Almost every time these visions happen, without fail, I wake up from deep sleep and disturbed by inculpable sin or I wake and, in my sleep, I am sinning. Once, I woke after experiencing the voice of Jesus and next to me, on my night stand, was placed my little Cross on a rope necklace. My pants were off (I had gone to bed with them on) and folded up and placed at the end of my bed. It is forced and not conscious on my part. For me, I have been chastely celibate for almost four years. The reason I understand that I am having difficulty surrendering to Jesus and His will for me is because of my relationship with my abusers. Maybe it’s connected to the activity of my infancy. I am having such difficulty trusting God because in my developmental years, I got the image in my mind that God did not have my best interest at heart. I’ve been praying six rosaries a day and keep up two novenas at a time. Have tried praying the surrender novena a lot. This is about more than my simple forgiveness.

I know you are testing me. I don’t need to be tested. I know for your sake, this is the right thing to do. I respect this. I know it must be frustrating that you’re not getting the results you are expecting. Or rather hoping for. This will happen. And there are reasons I find it difficult to conform to this world. What I need is the love I never received as a child. When Christ came to me, I was a mess, emotionally, physically and spiritually. I still struggle. But I think I really owe it to myself to stop, look backwards and see just how far I have come. I need to stop feeling badly about who I am. I need to stop seeing everything that is bad and negative about me. I need to recognize that I am a child of God. And that that is paramount to any despair, any trauma and any failure I could have. God fills the gap. I want this. I want to live and love. I don’t know how to. I am learning. And I am fighting so darned hard for the life that I know I deserve. I don’t need love as a reward for something I’ve done or said. I don’t even need reciprocal love. What I need, what I crave is unconditional love. There is only one place from which to get that. What I need is for truth to come out about this. I will be at peace. But because of the nature of my experiences, I need to understand human love in addition to divine love.

I did not want vengeance. I want truth to come out. The circumstances that arise as a result of truth coming out are not my business. I have tried a lot to encourage people that you will rejoice when truth comes out. Without truth, I can forgive. There cannot be true healing without truth. I have no intention of hurting my abusers. Or anyone else for that matter. All I have ever wanted is for the truth to come out. I want truth to come out because of what it means for the world. Still, I wonder why someone might actually want to resist my message. What would be the motivation for not wanting it to be true? It may be private revelation. Bur can you really not see how glorious a revelation it is? It will be a new era of justice, peace, love and hope! When truth comes, you will know that it’s true.

I suffered the worst darkness you could possibly imagine, for God, in God. You will see. This is not favoritism. I am no better than any one of you. I am a terrible sinner. My story is still being revealed to me, unveiling before my eyes. It feels like I didn’t even really start healing until I unearthed certain elements of my story. I will not waste words. I’m sorry if I traumatized anyone in reading my writings about my life. It was hard to get through, I imagine. I am not trumping trauma. I have healed past the point where I have to prove that my trauma is worse than everybody else’s. This is really an indicator that a person has only begun their healing. My previous writings sugarcoat what I really endured. There is a type of evil that is in the world is not really fathomable to most people’s imaginations. My identity split. Many times. To cope with very systematic and targeted traumas throughout my childhood. It began for me, even the rituals, when I was only an infant. You would not believe what happened if I were to tell you. The good human imagination will not even go there. It will all be revealed after my passing. This, though veiled with unspecific language, is the reason why I cannot accept the fullness of the healing of the Holy Ghost now. I cannot accept the fullness of His love because of the ritual traumatic programming. I need help. Christians, I need your help. This is why God blesses me so much. This is why God loves me so much. I endured this in my infancy for Him. Really, it was something I endured for a very long time. Do you think the rituals and programming stopped after I grew up? My handlers were still programming me as long as I was around them. Crazy? Me? How is your memory? This is very real, in spite of the mind’s best attempts to guard against it. I have been through a lot of healing resources. It makes me think I have entered a video game. Some of it is so absurd it’s hard to believe it’s real for me. Jesus can heal me. Jesus will heal me. I need help. Jesus, save me.

If it were for the good of world that I be a simple pilgrim for the next decade, you wouldn’t have the craving to spy on me in my bedroom. You wouldn’t have the craving to hear about even my minor sins. No, you are only looking to humiliate me. May the Lord bless you. And keep you. Make His face shine upon you and be gracious to you. The Lord bless you and keep you and give you peace. You need really, laity to ask one question. Why are people (even in the Church) fighting so hard to censor truth? Again, if it were for my own good, for the good of the world, you wouldn’t have to spy on every single thing I do. Ask the question. Christians, I need your help. Christians, I need your help.

You can tell me to get a job. Nobody will really give me a job. I cannot even get factory work. I am not complaining. This all has a very specific end. I am worried about that end. Because what begins in envy is not of God. Any money I have made from my books has all been robbed. Somebody is preventing my new literature from being published. I am not accusing anyone. I am learning to accept the fact that every new individual I encounter believes me to be the worst things a human can possibly be because of the mistakes of my childhood. You think I don't deserve God's blessings because of my sins. I was not raised Christian. Also, wait for the big unveiling. There's a skeleton in everybody's closet. ;) Actually, in spite of this roadblock, I have gone far in writing very epic pieces of literature and creating a small business of my own. What can I say? What’s to be done? I am against a terribly large wall.

God showed me an amazingly beautiful revelation last night regarding myself. He showed me the state of my soul when I entered the world. I am ashamed to say that for decades, I viewed myself even with my intentions of entering the world as bad. God gave me such a beautiful grace in showing me the fact that almost everything I believed about myself that was negative was a lie. All of this to say, I was a perfect and beautiful child when I entered this world. Like every child.

It was wrong of you to record my deliverance session. It’s wrong of you to record my confessions and spiritual directions. Even I recognize that this is not a problem on the level of the priesthood. With something as vulnerable and specific as a deliverance session, you should know that there is a lot more to the story than what was said in that. Sometimes, even the hardest situations merit the most empathy and compassion. I have said all of this before. I deserve this for my sins. But what you have planned is wrong morally. You are listening to a single interview I gave in an extremely private and vulnerable setting. You are listening to a prophecy that was written for another time. The only person you are not listening to is me. I think it’s clear why.

The reason it was wrong of you to record my deliverance session is the same reason it is always wrong to record confessions. I believe it is excommunicable. The fact is that I made myself vulnerable. The decision I made when I was young, I confessed in past writings. Still, it was a decision that I had made when I was very young. Very wounded. Emotionally as well as physically. I was not Christian. I pray that my heart has changed well. I have been to confession countless times about this particular issue. It happened decade prior to my baptism. Check the audio files in my archive. ;) Again, I don’t have a light switch on my life. This is not something that can be forced. Again, I need the love I never received as a child. This is the reason I am unable to accomplish God’s will.

I am not complaining. I am telling my truth. Truth feels like the only thing preventing people from hurting me. Truth is the only leverage I have keeping me safe. This is the reason I keep saying things to random people. I am frightened that you will hurt me further. Truth is the only thing preventing that from happening. If it is a sad, disgusting story, I don’t know what to tell you. If you don’t want to hear it, I don’t know what to tell you. This is my story.

You have to only ask yourself how Christian and based in charity this decision is. On the contrary, it seems remarkably cruel. It is not a wonder that they want to silence me considering what I have against them. Listen to me very carefully, I am not a threat to your power. What I endured as a child, I endured because God asked me to. I am who God says I am. Before I was born, God appointed me and chose me to be His servant. My experiences of Heaven began before my birth. At least now we know why God blesses me so much. It is not Christian to try to hurt someone. It is not Christian to provoke bad in someone to justify even worse behavior. I wonder how a true Christian would react to hearing that an infant was sold and ransomed by evil people to satan? That child having grown, who now lives a righteous life and seeks simply to be consecrated to God. He has eternal life because of the work that he has done. He has been trying so hard to rid himself of this weight. Seems like whatever he does, he cannot shake the pact of sorrow. He learns that he cannot help himself. Is the true Christian’s response going to be to help this child or provoke this terrible curse placed on him in infancy? I was an infant. This was these people’s choice. Not mine. Who is deceived? The one who stands firm to the message of Christ as He instructed and which has been this way for 2000 years? Or is the one who is deceived and who is deceiving the one who is trying to compromise Truth of the Faith with modernism and communism? Two of the biggest heresies of the past. I do not speak heresy. I speak what is common sense. Modernism, communism in the church? If you feel I need to be tested, if you feel I need to make reparation for my sin, I will submit. To me, it seems unbelievably cruel and heartless. Truth is far more valuable than the actions of any person. Truth is unoffendable, uncancellable and unphased by things that happen around it. Truth is truth regardless of whether people subscribe to it or not.

Have had a realization lately. Not to bore you with details but I have realized that I am split personality. I have DID. I am self-diagnosing, yes. First of all, I don’t trust the doctors to tell me the truth about much. Secondly, you know when you know. It explains an awful lot. Including things that are unexplainable in other conditions. DID incorporates cPTSD. It explains the amnesia over most of my life. Forgetting how I did things, ever having conversations, friendships, entire years passed. It explains the different personalities I possess. It is caused by ritual abuse. It’s about more than labels. Because I have been forced into passivity and submission by people when they abuse me, I have a lot of unsaid feelings and emotions. I asked one of my alters recently what I could do to help him. He responded that I should take assertiveness lessons. This made a lot click for me. Realizing that my childhood and the abuse I took then has made me passive and weak. Ironically, it also seems to have made me target for bullies all throughout my life. Learning about assertiveness has opened my eyes a lot. I firmly stand by the fact that the reason I don’t stand up for myself is because God Himself is going to stand up for me. God has His justice. And He will stand up for me personally. Publicly. Soon. But the fact is that, I have a voice. And I owe it to myself to use it. I really believe that God would rather protect a child from enduring the worst horrors than have him endure them for the sake of forgiving later. Our God is a good God. He wants us to be happy. Suffering is not the natural state of things. Nor does God even want us to suffer. He gives us grace and makes His glory abound even more in our suffering. Because He is able to make the best of even the worst. You need to know that God is not a masochist. What has gotten this idea into the Christian mind? Listen, God wants our happiness. Name of God! That I even have to say this. Where are your experts? The saints are wonderful examples of piety. They are examples of ideal faith and holiness. But the lives they lived, do you really think that God would not have spared them from their anguish were He able? It is splendidly true that faith grows exponentially stronger in suffering. Suffering purifies us, in a sense. But it is not the natural state of things. I know that God only wishes that we would come to know Him and His love without ever having to suffer. The only thing God ever asked of me in my childhood was to tell the truth about what was happened to me. God resented that my abusers were doing these things to me. He hated seeing it. He will show you this behavior is unacceptable.

Regardless of the past, I like my life. I like myself. I love myself. I only want to be happy. I wish I had my wife with me. It seems at every step, I am deprived of good things everywhere. I thought that revealing my identity and what I have endured would help the world. I thought it would help you to be compassionate and understanding. For a time, it did. You surprised me with your goodness. I never anticipated it would come to this. World, remember goodness. Remember compassion. Don't let your hearts grow cold. I should have trusted God from the beginning. I wish I knew how. Christians, once more, I need your help. This will not stop at simple feelings of jealousy. One needs to ask themselves from where this jealousy has its roots. From where is it originating? 

God loves you. We have a God who cares infinitely about every human being on this planet. He was the one who crafted you in your ma's womb. He is the one who gave you your beautiful eyes, your conscience and your feelings. He has created you with an infinite array of choices and possibilities. Your future is never set. It is guided. By Him. But we make the choice. Choose love, friends. Choose love.

Sexuality (Updated) (Updated)

Women are beautiful. So are men. We are all beautiful.

I don’t hate women. I am just very traumatized. There are a lot of really great women out there. When truth comes out, this will make a lot more sense. I do not know how. It’s not only that. It’s that I do not feel I deserve. Every time I imagine myself happy and with someone, I feel terrible shame. And then there is the fact that there are only bad, traumatic thoughts associated with intimacy, sex and love. I experienced a kind of miracle with a certain someone years ago, which allowed my heart to open a while. But is still very overwhelming. It feels like with each relationship and friendship I develop, it gets a little bit easier. But it still feels almost catastrophic every time I meet someone new.

I am traumatized. This that hinders my true expression of my soul. Is this not what I have been saying from the start? We need to nurture our foundations. Children need love in their developments, trauma accumulates and how to heal from these repressed memories.

The fact that one of my abusers was so important to me and that she claimed I was so important to her and the fact that in spite of that she could hurt me so much, forced me to come to the generalization that all women were hurtful and trying to hurt me.

This next statement is an author note, inserted from my present perspective because I feel so badly. Women are beautiful. There is nothing wrong with the female body. I just was reacting based on the things that were done to me. Mostly, I am very ashamed of my treatment of women over the course of my life. But it was just that, an instinctive reaction. Had I have been able to tell my truth sooner in my life, I know my love for all of you would have blossomed well. I just want to say that there is nothing wrong with the female gender and God absolutely does love you all. You are beautiful to God. I felt I had to say that because of the grace shown me and my irrational yet very rational fears.

I’m scared of women. But again, I want you to know that this was a defence mechanism that my mind created in order to protect me. In order to ensure that I would never be hurt again, in my child’s mind, I lumped women together into an entity that was to be avoided because the hurt that I felt, caused by a single woman was dreadful. I want you to know I desire intimacy and connection. But most of all, I want you to know that I know that women are beautiful and worthy of respect. But there is absolutely a very good reason I have, I assure you. I hope more will be revealed to you. If it’s not, I will understand it is for the benefit of your world.

This is about people. It’s not always about men and women. It’s about love and respect. View things soberly apart from the customs of the world. Men were children too. And children can hurt. As it is written in Ecclesiastes, ‘we all were born with eternity on our hearts’. We need to seek God.

I don’t feel as though I am showing enough love in some of the Truths that I have disclosed to you. I don’t want to hurt anyone. There are too many times that I feel I have disclosed Truth in which I have been cold in its conveyance. In that vein, I feel it is necessary to address my last couple of entries. I do not hate women. Women are beautiful creatures of God and I want more than anything to show them how much I respect them. As I wrote to you, journal, some time ago in response to the entry that I reposted, I am merely frightened of them. I am avoidant because I do not want to be hurt again in an intimate way. I can speak to women for a while and even relate to them if I feel that there is no sexual threat. I would stifle myself in past, either repress completely my sexuality or counter any advances in my mind as nothing. Whenever I had a friendship with a woman in the past, I would rule out the possibility of sex very early so that the friendship could exist. Even if I was attracted. Sexual experiences and most of the time, mannerisms that had the potential to lead to sex were too traumatic for me. There were a couple of times during which I became close enough to women so that I really started to feel like love for them. In any case, I will not give up. My heart deserves love. You’d expect a police officer to understand this gender fear following abuse. Not all do though. Being a victim does not mean having a victim mentality. How very complex, the human being. I am not a fool. Nor am I trying to be mean. The fact is that I very, very much want desperately to be intimate with another human being. I want so much to feel healthy, natural love that is mutual and tender. I just wish people would understand that when I recoil from their efforts, it rarely has anything to do with the other person. A lot of the time, I feel very broken. And there are so many factors that contribute to my very rational fears. Even many of the social conventions that go along with dating, I am clueless about because most of the time, these manners are learned traits. I am not trying to feel bad about myself. I just want to explain a bit so that the people who have expressed interest in me, at a point in the past, will someday know that I did not in any manner of ways intend to hurt them. When an animal is neglected and abused for most of its life, it would take a lot of patience for it to open up. But, a lot of the time, I need to remember that I am not the only one who life affects. We are all reacting in so many ways. I have so much love in my heart and soul to offer. We all do. It just manages on life’s course, to get buried deep beneath trauma and hurt. And there is a difference between suffering and being hurt and being hateful and angry. I realize that this is my own issue and that I have to overcome it by myself. Today, I am grateful that I have been able to work through enough painful experiences that I am able to accept myself as a loving being. And I do have absolute faith that Christ can heal me. In the sense that I will overcome, I don’t expect anything from anybody. I feel as if I am improving a lot. I am not limiting myself anymore and am open to the concept of love and intimacy. I am just very faithful that whatever has to happen will happen and I will continue to have faith. Because it’s not in the times of joy, the times of blessings that faith counts as much.

Today, I am grateful for the Spirit of Easter. I am so thankful for our Lord Jesus Christ, His death, but mostly, His resurrection, which gave hope to all mankind. This season reminds me that there is still so much hope for me, God’s grace willing and that my wounds can still be healed. Years ago, I went to a support group for child sexual abuse survivors. The topic we discussed was sexuality. I found myself bitter at even the thought and announced that I had little to say on the subject. Until, the end of the meeting came and one of the facilitators asked me about my perspectives on pornography. I found myself speaking for a couple of minutes about my intense fear of women because of the nature of the relationship with the person who continually abused me in emotional and often aggressively sexual ways. Others in the group empathized but were in one way or another, more able than I, to connect with another being. Overall, a general theme that we all found it incredibly difficult to allow ourselves to be vulnerable, rang out. Most of the guys there were lucky, blessed enough to be able to form this bond with others. For me, in this session of the group, I was able to process a lot of my fears regarding women. I am avoidant because I do not want to be hurt again. It’s an instinctual fear that paralyzes me and has ruined many opportunities and relationships for me. Love heals. It absolutely does. Sometimes, a person who has been hurt really badly with love as the reason for their expressing that hurt toward that person, that person needs to be shown love. Think of a dog, beaten, abused and neglected from its very first day alive. At the sign of affection, really any sign of contact with it, it will recoil and resist, perhaps even becoming aggressive. How much more complex, the human being. I do not hate women. I am only very scared of them. Much like an abused woman will be scared of men (if her abuser is a male). Overall, I have faith in my Lord who, with faith, was able to raise the dead, heal the lame and cure the blind. And I will not give up on love. I am thankful for a God who loves me even though I was never taught how to or shown any love.

I remember reading a while ago, a book by Wendy Maltz. It was called the Sexual Healing Journey. It really resonated with me. It talked a lot about something that’s really important to me. Intimacy and sex. I have been hurt a lot in my life and I recognize that I don’t have a lot of the resources, physically, as a result of emotional panic, and emotionally because of injuries as others do. I find it really stressful to date. In the book, it spoke about something, which really captivated me. It spoke about finding a partner or friend who is willing and patient enough to take things as slow as you require. Instead of jumping into bed after the first night of knowing each other, survivors often need to hold hands first. Or something. Survivors really need to take things slowly. Otherwise, things can become really stressful for them. Thinking about this made me reflect over the first girlfriend I had. She was a beautiful, Christian girl who was extremely patient with me for some reason. We were young at the time and entering the relationship (if you want to call it that) was terribly nerve-racking for me. I remember it took me nearly a semester to be able to open up to her enough to ask to hold her hand. I even had difficulty speaking to her. Opening my heart. I remember our first kiss was on the 18^th green of the golf course I was a member at. This occasion occurred nearly a year after we started dating. I still feel like this. It is extremely stressful for me to get to know someone new. But it’s something I want, crave and need. Sometimes, all we need is to know that somebody is going to be there. Through the good times and the bad. People have had enough rejection and hurt.

This is the only reason I was able to open my heart to a friend years ago. This friend was more than patient with me. We had been friends for nearly a year. Also she expressed interest verbally. Also, she sought me. Maybe I am a little autistic. I say that humorously. But seriously. I do not understand body language. I do not understand social cues. I understand things literally.

Why do you call me a heartbreaker? My heart is very clearly broken from trusting my relationally close female abuser. I am particularly triggered by women I am attracted to.

Sexuality is a sacred theme in our world today. As it should be. Though I don’t feel we are going down the right path in terms of how we are addressing the issue, it is true that human sexuality is interwoven with our identities. What happens when a child is injured so severely in such significant ways? When a child is injured sexually, it can interrupt and interfere with their entire development. Children learn how to interact with the world from other people. Children learn about sex from other people. These traumas can influence or manipulate our sexualities, our personalities, our emotions as we age. I am not saying anyone else has experienced what I have. But this is true. In my case, my sexuality was injured from a very young age. I am not effeminate. I am not gay. I am wounded. My masculinity is wounded. My sexuality is wounded.

Just with toxic feminism, there is toxic masculinity. I feel many people recoil when I use this language. Hear me out: Toxic masculinity stems from woundedness just the same but it encompasses notions like the fact that a man must be stoic, repress his emotions and be always strong. The idea that men can never be weak is an illusion difficult to live up to. Gender roles are not as strict as tradition enforces them to be. Gender roles are vital to the family unit and are essential within a properly functioning world. But, each individual case is rarely the same. Surely, each situation deserves to be assessed for the situation itself. A man, burly though he may be and with a full beard he may have. If he has a spinal injury, no one could expect him to spend the days chopping wood. Bravery, courage, valor, being a man is all in learning to love and serve the other. The path toward this is in processing our own past wounds. Otherwise, we are stuck as our inner children in pain that was never expressed. 

The point? Men need a place to express their emotions. We’ve been conditioned to repress our emotions as they come. This is the cause for a lot of mental health problems. Men need and deserve to be vulnerable and to have their feelings justified and validated. This is learned especially in childhood, either the tendency of the child to repress or to express their feelings. This tendency is almost entirely controlled by external factors, influence of other people, role models, and authority figures. Here is wisdom: Strength is not in suppressing and covering the strings of our heart. Rather, true strength, true courage lies in the ability to be vulnerable and sincerely intimate. I hear you.

I have taken a personal vow of celibacy since 2016. I have been chaste for three years. This vocation is kind of forced upon me because of my childhood. To be honest, I am scared to death of women, especially intimacy. It is a result of being traumatized by a close female figure. Still, I have found great purpose and grace and blessing in this vocation. Because it is lived out for and in Jesus. I know if God desires for me to be blessed by affection, love, intimacy and union, what can stop His will. Until then, I am married also to Jesus. I am married to our Lady. It is not a sin to be curious. It is not a sin to admire beauty. Though, what is beautiful outside may not be beautiful inside. 

We need to see people as God sees them. Our world has been stumbled into seeing people as manifest and chosen creations of their own will. Life is less intentional than that. Even our wills are less intentional than that. Within a person, a man or a woman, there is an infinite universe of possibilities. We see on the front only what they present. And so, our judgment, while correct from a point of view, ignores this possibility of hope. Perhaps it makes more sense to illustrate this from the perspective of a child. Because it is then that hope is most evident. Still, even within a fully grown, elderly person, there is also a universe of hope. I am not talking about alternate dimensions. What I am talking about is choice. Human beings possess the infinite capacity for futures because every moment, we are presented with choice. These choices, every one influences our future, sets us into a path. This is how God sees the person. In childhood, we are presented with a choice. An unfurling of our lives is presented before us. We choose the lives we will live in childhood. This is the prime reason foundation, healthy love in childhood is so important. We learn everything about how to navigate our lives in our childhood. Sexual liberation frees up the soul. It unfurls the mystery of God's Heaven-given identity within a person. Sexual interference, on the other hand, closes the soul in fear and shame. The choices that we have made in the past build upon themselves until they have become the template for our present and future choices.

Here’s a little revelation that might upset you. Only because it is so unorthodox. The apostle Paul was very vigilant about his faith. This was the way everything had to be. As this has to be now. God is not as scared of human sexuality as many would make it seem. We, as a culture, need sexual healing. We have become so uptight and vigilant in our own traumas and unhealed hurts. We need to liberate ourselves. Before you get uptight with what I have just said, I am not calling for a sexual revolution. I am not calling for priests to marry. There is a place for those who are called to be pillars in their vocations, which are called to completely detach from the world in chastity. What I am talking about is healing our core identities through intimacy, vulnerability and passion. Sex is not an evil thing. God loves us and wants all of us to be happy. Don’t believe me? Too liberal? It’s not. Just wait.. I pray that God reveals to you what is happening in the world so that you may see why this has to be. The Apostle Paul, also like Jesus, came to set fire between the world. It had to be. God doesn’t want there to be people like me, who were so traumatized in childhood that they repress their sexuality and in turn, their God given identity. Wounded people need help to mend. The more difficulty a person is having in the world, the more wounded they are. It's not hard to see that people who have behavioural problems are very hurt. Thus, the more help they need. A wounded dog is a good analogy. How can we reintegrate these wounded animals? At first, they will bark and bite and resist. It’s with love that they come to recognize their own safety and worth. If we can do this for a dog, can we do it for people? I’m not talking about me. There are billions of people who don’t know the love of God. They don’t know the love of God because of the way that human love has been used as a weapon towards them. Billions. Even within the Church.  

God wanted me to experience love and life before my departure. I chose to suffer for His glory in my youth. I’m kind of embarrassed about what I sacrificed because I didn’t feel worthy. I never got the rehabilitation that I needed for what happened to me. What would have happened if truth about what was happening to me came out when I was a young boy, a teenager after that injury? People’s reaction would have been very different. I need to know that sexuality was not bad. I am very hurt this way. The core of my identity is really hurt by what happened to me. The way to heal this is only through passion and intimacy. Everyone has sexuality. This is the reason I keep looking at women. There is nothing evil in admiring beauty and in being curious. This is the reason, every three months, I am waken almost forcibly by sleep disturbances. I have not used porn in almost a decade. This is still the case. I am just craving passion, love so badly. My heart is bursting. I shared these experiences with past SD’s. They seem uninterested in the fact that it almost happens against my will, in sleep and each time that the Lord comes to me. There is a satanic contract over my soul that I never experience passion, which I cannot break on my own. I think you might be misunderstanding. I am not called to celibacy and chastity. Regardless, I have been living as such since I started at the religious community. Consistently, every three months, I experience these wretched sleep disturbances, which trigger me and make me feel filthy. The whole world is not called to chastity and celibacy. If this were the case, procreation would be much rarer. What is mortal sin for one person may not be as mortal for the next. All I am saying. I used to believe that the reason I couldn’t accomplish the will of God was because I did not feel worthy. Truth is, my soul is wounded. Because of what happened to my body. I need help. By the way, again, it is excommunicable for confession sin matter to be disclosed. You know I am a changed heart. Every way that I reacted I have ceased. It’s only in this special and sacred way that I need to care for.

I am beginning to see why I am so important to God the Father. Why He chooses to bless me so much. It’s because my mission literally began before my birth, in Heaven. He asked me to do this mission. He asked me to endure what I endured. The reason for the blessings are because God wants my soul so much. He knew what I would be up against, how difficult my life would be. I actually endured a crucifixion in my childhood. The Father feels responsible for my fate. This is the reason I am so important to God. I want my Father to know that I love Him. I choose Him. Still, I am going to need help.