Feelings!

Yes, there is much mental suffering abounding these days. Confusion with gender etc. The example of Dissociative Identity Disorder actually provides a good reason why we need to both listen to these people and have compassion. It is a perfect example of how all mental illness are rooted in unprocessed trauma. It forms only in early childhood in response to terrible, terrible injustice and trauma. Who can blame a person for not enduring their trauma with Christ when Christ has not been shown to them in childhood? This is naturally the fallout of not raising our children in God. Christians, it is not rooted in Truth. But there is reason for compassion. We need to avoid being condemnatory. Too much truth without love is pharisaical. I, myself have fallen into this trap at times. These people have been through hell and have not known the true Christ to help them through that place. We, on the contrary, have been blessed in life. Even if we have also been through hell, we have had Christ to guide us. Let us then, be pillars. Let us not be mockers and bullies. If you have Christ, then you have a grave responsibility. These are people who are the least of all. These are the poor in spirit. Not people materially poor. It’s not in love to call someone crazy who has been through more than any of the world you have ever known. Yes, maybe they are crazy. So are you in some ways. At the same time, we must be prudent. We need be vigilant and assess the fruit. What I am saying, Christian, is that love never forsakes. Love never abandons and disregards. Love is patient and allows the work of judgement to God. It is unfortunately true. Many who have chosen these paths are in the process of being lost. Some will never return. However, if there were only fifty people, of all of these people who were only confused and mislead, would it not be worth reaching out and persevering for them in evangelism? Forgive me, but if there were forty-five, would it be worthy of persevering in evangelizing? Pardon my boldness, but if there were only five, would it be still worthy of persevering in evangelizing for these souls? I remember hearing a voice, nearly a decade ago that told me that the time for evanglization is over. People have made their choice, it said. I quickly recognized it not of God. The fact is, Christian, we are called to help the poor in Spirit, to proclaim the Gospel until the very end, in our words and in our lives. Perhaps the greatest lesson that it teaches is that feelings are not always based in truth. Still, feelings are certainly important. Remember the Father, leaving the 99 to search for the 1 lost. It's meaningless. Let us prudently then share the Gospel with these. Let us not become caught up in hammering them with the Truth. The Truth will be a hammer in of itself enough. Healing is coming!

Let the little children come unto Jesus (Updated):

Friends, there is so very little understood about shame in Catholicism. I understand the veil. It is difficult for you even to hear me speak about it. This is precisely because of the way that it affects you. I have even heard a Traditional Catholic priest utter the abominable words, “a little shame is good for a person.” I will stop calling you retards. I apologize about this. It is not becoming of a gentleman. You need to know that you are wrong about this issue. God does not desire people to be shamed. This is the issue: shame is a different thing from guilt. It seems to incredibly common sense to me. But I will bear with you while you lap up the drool from the floor beneath your low hanging jaws. This, you need know. This is not new revelation. It is common sense. Sense you have forgotten because of your sin and trauma. Actually, Catholicism is a very shame-based religion. The whole unworthy thing and penance. Don’t get me wrong. It is a path the salvation. But, by saying God desires our penance and self-abasement is fencing God in. It kind of makes Him out to be a sadomasochist.

This is the difference between shame and guilt. I will lay it out very clearly for you so that your eyes don’t glaze over and roll back up in your head. Guilt is the recognition of one’s wrongdoing. This is healthy and can lead to repentance. Shame, on the other hand, is a feeling created by trauma that one themselves are unlovable, worthless and beyond forgiveness. This is the key. Are you keeping up? Do you need me to slow down for you? This is the key: Shame is almost always crafted into hearts by trauma and ill will. It is the reason you are unable to hear me speak about this. It triggers grave injustice in your hearts that has happened to you. I have written other articles about the topic of shame. This was probably one of my most important articles despite being the least viewed. I will leave the definition there. Except to say that healthy guilt can motivate conversion. Persistent shame is not spiritually healthy. Mark my words, regardless of the justification you are using to reason your oppression of me, a time will come when you will be grieved terribly for the way you have treated me. It is not a thing I necessarily desire. You are unable to see it now because your hearts are cold. When again, you are thinking lucidly and feeling with love, it will come upon you in an instant. In this time, the religious leaders shall try to convince you not to grieve. It is for your best. After some more time, you will see their true motivation. You will see their evil has been the cause of all of this. There will be justice in this life. Soon, also, you will recognize this is not my will or a will that I am imposing. Rather it is God’s will. They cannot see it because they are far from God. They are too vested in self-preservation. You will realize when your hearts are melted. Be at peace. Shame is crafted within us while we are young and innocent. This is the reason it is so antithetical and incompatible with Spirit of God.

God does not want us to feel shame. Any priest that would suggest such does not understand the concept of shame and its distinction from guilt. God always calls people to repentance and not despair. Awareness of sin is important, but God desires a reconciliation and healing not a lasting sense of humiliation. Jesus came to set the sinner free. Not condemn them to a life of shame. A brief awareness of one’s sins can prompt repentance while ongoing shame that destroys hope or one’s sense of dignity is not Christian. Not all shame comes from personal sin. Being abused and traumatized causes deep shame. This is despite having done nothing morally wrong themselves. What this truly is about is compassion. I know. I have spewed a lot about compassion over the years and empathy. Perhaps, this was even because of me. Know, there is a difference between false compassion and compassion. How can you know the difference? When a person or group of peoples intend your harm and destruction, this is false compassion when we make excuses for them and deny their behavior. We were all children at a point. Therefore, we were all innocent at a point. Here: We must learn to differentiate between the man who has commit sins in his past, yet who seeks reconciliation with his heart, who is repented and the man who commits violence and has no intent to change. I ask you sincerely, do you truly believe that their response to me is in love and for the purpose of shepherding my soul? They are spiritually abusing me. It is evident in the fact they gossip about my confessions. Here is the thing: I talk big. In reality, I am one of the frailest men in the world. Do you want to speak about resilience? They transgress Jesus’ commands to care for the orphan and the weak. Here: Toxic shame shapes our identity. Suffering stumbles. Consciences are stumbled. Is this even up for debate any longer? If it’s true, the sins I commit were not mortal. If this is true, they are persecuting the righteous. Shame, this interior sense of unworthiness is not only not of God, it is satanic. The evangelicals have correct: Jesus liberates. Satan imprisons. Jesus frees. Satan shames. Catholics, I have seen you over the course of my being one of you, travel from liberation to slavery. Be free. Religion shall not save you. Faith will save you. Works, you need realize are not important. If they were, the child in utero would not matter a thing. His murder would be not only permissible, but it may also be beneficial. Importance of the individual based on works is of satan.

Look, I understand that you are proud. I understand that you have paid a lot of money for your diplomas and papers proving that you are a counselor. I implore you! Sometimes, sacrificing yourself for the good or for God’s will is a good thing. Serve. Serve the children. This is about the children after all. In preventing and hindering this blessing upon the world, you are not really spiting me. You need to know that what you are doing by depriving this world of its blessing is you are condemning innocent people to torture and death. Worse than that, souls are being lost. This is not so much about me. This is about a blessing for the world. You are hindering God’s will. Instead, you are ushering the flock, the flock who trusts you and listens to you like innocent infants, to the slaughter. I am not criticizing the leadership. But you need know that the information you are receiving is not entirely true. Everything. The history. The science. The morality. Stand up. You need know that saints will not be made through global techno tyranny. Be shepherds for your people. For the flock who trust you. Those who look up to you and would die for you. Don’t let their martyrdom be in vain.

Suffering itself, suffering for suffering’s sake does not make one holy. Unless that suffering was endured for His glory. It’s about how we react to suffering. But it’s about more than this, isn’t it? For if righteous suffering were simply about our reaction, what could be said about the holiness of an aborted baby? He is not holy because he had not a body to react well to the suffering? Or he is not holy because his body cringed in utero? Cold hearted son’s a guns. I literally do not know what to do with you anymore. Suffering is holy if God asked us to endure it. If it is endured for truth. If it is endured despite sin. All children who suffer are holy. All children who die are entered into the presence of God. Is this heretical to you? You are a retard. Ops. A simpleton. Here’s the thing: If a child commits a sin after being stumbled their entire first nine years on earth, this child is still holy despite their sin.

What I need is the love I never received as a child. When Christ came to me, I was a mess, emotionally, physically and spiritually. I had a wounded and stumbled conscience. I still struggle. 90% of the ways you see me as sinning now, are simply your feelings. They are trauma responses. I think I really owe it to myself to stop, look backwards and see just how far I have come. I need to stop feeling badly about who I am. I need to stop seeing everything that is bad and negative about me. I need to recognize that I am a child of God. And that that is paramount to any despair, any trauma and any failure I could have. God fills this gap with His Holy Ghost. I want this. I want to live and love. I don’t know how to. I am learning. And I am fighting so darned hard for the life that I know I deserve. Had something been done about what was happening to me, you know that I would have been a king. I would have had the love of many women. People would have helped me recover. People would have helped me reintegrate. Justice would have been done for me. Despite, I don’t need love as a reward for something I’ve done or said. I don’t even need reciprocal love. What I need, what I crave and deserve is unconditional love. There is only one place from which to get that. When my mission is accomplished, I will be at peace. Still, how can God’s loving touch be felt if a man has never felt the loving touch of a human being?

Jesus called them together and said, “’You know that those who are regarded as rulers of the Gentiles lord it over them, and their high officials exercise authority over them. Not so with you. Instead, whoever wants to become great among you must be your servant, and whoever wants to be first must be slave of all.’” See, this passage has caused the oppression of many Christians. It is true. But we do not need be a beggar on the street to be a servant. Name of God! We need not even be a servant, in the literal sense, to be a servant. This is what you miss: God is glorified when we are glorified. This is what your communism has taught you. This is truth: You can be a billionaire and still serve. It is not about the money. The blessings. This Church, Catholics, seems to have convinced you that God desires you in dust. By James, Peter and Paul! Where has this even come from? Money is not evil. Blessings are not evil. That I even need say this is retarded. I didn’t call you retarded. This is the takeaway: Serve in your hearts. Are you a billionaire? Help financially. Are you a nurse? Serve your patients. But do it from a place of love. Otherwise, you are simply helping a clump of meat. Are you a teacher? Serve your students. Teach them with love. We can all serve. It just means placing the needs of the other before our own. I learned this at the religious community at which I stayed. We can serve not only tables. We can split wood in service. We can fold laundry in service. We can cut vegetables in service. It is a state of heart then. Not a financial or economic sentence. My goodness!

“Each person should remain in the situation they were in when God called them.” For a long time, I got hung up on this passage. Passages like it, like he who desires to be exalted will be humbled. And he who humbles himself will be exalted. I feared that accepting the glory that God had prepared for me would go against these passages. I refuse to believe this lie any longer. We should know that we cannot perform a closed reading of Scripture with the intent of getting at its entire purpose. We need to read it in context. The context of the Bible is God’s love for His Creation, His glory. These passages can be contrasted with others, like, “Do not lose your saltiness.” Or “You wouldn’t light a lamp and place it under a bushel.” God wants to glorify us. This is how He is glorified on earth. But we cannot forget that while everybody in this world suffers, some suffer a lot more. There are reasons for this.

So you also, when you have done everything you were told to do, should say, 'We are unworthy servants; we have only done our duty.’” Luke 17:10. I got caught up in this verse too. Surely, I was reminded about it weekly by faithful. You need to know, faithful, that your God does not want to make you holy by the suffering you endure. He uses it. It is not His intent. He desires you to be glorified greatly on this earth. It is in this that He is glorified. Yes, humility is essential. We get more practice in humility surrounded by blessings. You have made your church, you have made God Himself a masochist.

I’m not looking to be rewarded. I’m looking for peace. I believe strongly that God will use me. I was kind of born for this. But “For the corruptible body weighs down the soul, and this earthly dwelling presses many thoughts upon the mind” (Wisdom 9:15). I truly believe that when you wake up, when again you are given hearts of flesh, you will help me. I am weak. I am hurt. But, listen to this: I am right. I have God on my side. I am willing to be a martyr even in this state for the sake of the children of the world.

I didn’t write that prophecy I found online. Nor was I created for it. That prophecy was written for me. Things were to be much better. I am kind of ashamed of what I forfeited because I didn’t feel worthy and couldn’t trust. I am not just a prophet to the Church. Let us remember that worldly glory is not necessarily conflicting with God’s will. We don’t have to be a religious to serve God. We can serve God in so many ways. Doctors are serving God. If the heart is in the right place. Roadkill removal service technicians are serving God. If their hearts are in the right place. #David. # Solomon. I shall still be a king. Even after I die. See this is the glorious thing about our God. You cannot even kill us. Do you not see the beautiful irony behind this? Your twisted evil compels you to end a life because you feel it will put an end to these bright, bright lights. In reality, you, in your twisted evil, simply crown and walk hand in hand toward the Kingdom to usher your victims in, before you yourselves get booted out. Well, thanks!

I don’t have to explain myself to you. Just know this: you are persecuting the righteous. The “Righteous” persecuting the righteous. Where have we seen this before? Keep it coming. You cannot break my spirit.

Do you believe that I deserved or wanted the abuse I endured because I did not say anything? Here: You are unable to accept into your hearts the devastating effects of shame. When abuse begins early in childhood, when boundaries are toxically infringed without any respect, the child will learn helplessness. This is not a character trait on their part. For me, it goes a bit deeper than this. Threats were used. Bribes were made. Lies were told. The effect this has on a child’s psyche is devastating. Something you cannot understand because your hearts are frozen rock. For me, I dissociate when experiencing these violations. I cannot speak up if I have no memory of it. This is really about the state of your hearts. Do your hearts tell you that it is fine and just to perpetuate the abuse of a middle-aged man because he cannot speak up? Do your hearts tell you that it is fine and just to abuse in the first place? The gaslighting my abusers shamed me with caused me to question my own reality and perceptions. Whether they were real or not. You think I am less of a victim because of sins I commit. You will see! Wait. Anyone else with the same sufferings would have not only died but commit much worse sins. Wait! You will see! 😉

To enter people’s bedrooms at 3AM. Can you really and truly not see this as a violation of their humanhood? God sees what happens in the darkness. Even if you are strong Catholics. Good luck in purgatory, you widow and orphan makers!

Don’t forget that there is a story, a whole life behind my testimony. Things will be made clear. Things will be better. This is about truth. You know the things that happened to shame me. There’s no sense in reiterating these things. God is going to wake you up to the fact that you are becoming murderous with your envy. He will show you just how you have become bullies. Be at peace. It is not your fault. The responsibility lies entirely in the hands of your leaders. They will be called to a greater account.

Jesus, I never said I was nor would I insinuate that I was a savior. Jesus is the only king. For me to downplay the nature of my mission would not be in true humility. Humility tells the truth. And you give honor where it is owing. I am a prophet. Who would argue that the world is in a bad place? Is it a Christian idea that the world deserves to be in a bad place? I believe that God would want to give His children a chance to repent first. Is this such a bad thing? I see. It conflicts with your political agenda? Perhaps you are not Christian at all. Perhaps you have more to do with your comandante than you do with your God. Your choice. So sad.

I recently finished reading a book on childhood sexual abuse recovery that juxtaposed the experiences of a number of very brave and beautiful people, their experiences with sexual trauma as children, to that of the sufferings and betrayals of the Lord Jesus Christ. It was a beautiful yet sobering book. I think that the biggest gift I received from the book was an outlet in the process towards the healing of my own shame. For a long time, probably since before I can remember, I suffered from a false toxic shame as a result of others actions towards me. The journey to recover from sexual abuse is very real. But so is the ability to heal and recover with the Spirit, to become emotionally clear and purified. The book shared this verse: “This is the message we have heard from him and declare to you: God is light; in Him there is no darkness at all. If we claim to have fellowship with him yet walk in the darkness, we lie and do not live by the truth. But if we walk in the light, as he is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus, his Son, purifies us from all sin. If we claim to be without sin, we deceive ourselves and the truth is not in us. If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness” (1 John 1:5-9). Abuse is sin and causes damage to its victim. The paradoxical tragedy about abuse is that abuse survivors live with the damage created by someone else’s sin. Shame is very real. And it weighs us down deeply. The effect that gives abuse its power is not so much only the timeline of events. It is an extra dimension of shame and secrecy, fear and silence, justified anger and suppression. This passage from 1 John emphasizes the fact that Jesus can cleanse us from all sin and unrighteousness. Even if that sin is not our own. God would never hold a child abuse victim responsible for what they endured. They are just children. We need to tell God the truth as it is in our lives and allow God to cleanse us from that truth. We need to acknowledge the damage caused by that truth. I prayed this prayer a couple of days ago. Wow! Physically and completely, I did not expect to be healed. But I am feeling so empowered. I am feeling for the first time as though I have an identity. I feel like my feet are connected to the ground on which I walk. It could be simply endorphins I feel about the faith I feel for the future. I will say this: by accepting truth and shedding shame, we can become stronger, compassionate and empowered people. I get encouraged to think about the first time I set foot in a counselor’s office, the first time I entered my group therapy and recognize immediately how well I am doing today. I remind myself of just how far I have come. At my worst, relearning to breathe and swallow my own saliva. At my worst, dragging my feet through the parallel bars at a children’s rehabilitation hospital. At my worst, fixating my sight at the clock in front of me in my own bedroom, in dissociation because it was too painful to even feel. At my best, content in my faith. At my best, feeling good about myself, who I am and not being ashamed of being a human being. I’ll never forget the first time I realized the terrible impact of what happened to me. The sudden awareness of all of these terrible things done to me, the sudden awareness and deep guilt for things that I myself had done was shattering. But I was not alone. And that painful experience was definitely not the end. There was hope in my future. There was peace after the struggle. There was contentment after the fear and shame. I’ll never forget the first time I walked into my group therapy for men survivors of child sexual abuse. I was shivering and emotionally closed off. It was in learning to be vulnerable that I was able to better understand and embrace what I have been through. We need remember at every point in this life, because we are all walking along this path together, we are not alone. We need learn to depend on one another. Mostly, we are not alone because we have One who has gone before us. One who has suffered the human experience greatly, who has felt shame, humiliation, who has been betrayed and injured deeply. One who has conquered death, suffering and fear so that we are able to LIVE. I want to take an opportunity to thank you for your faith in the past. I know that what I could have given you was more. Please continue to have faith. There is a reason for everything. And I pray the reason will be revealed. I ask you to remember the countless times I turned my cheek to oppression and violence. Please remember that I forgave. Remember that I overcame a massive injury and terrible crimes. I know I push away offers of love and attention at times. Please just remember the fact that I was never permitted to develop the emotional, social and tools of intimacy that many grow with naturally. It’s not an excuse. But it’s a reason. It’s a reason I am fighting very hard to correct. Shame is not temporary. Shame is something we carry with us. And that shame accumulates. Please remember what I have been through when you examine my life. This is not about reputation or what we do or say. People are very much more than simply what we see on the surface. This is both Biblically sound as well as Catechetical.

What is the remedy for toxic shame? For shame in general? This is a difficult question. It is a mindset unlike most others. From my understanding, every emotion has a corresponding outlet. Some way through which we can channel that emotion. Sadness, sorrow. What do we do with sadness? We cry. With joy, with happiness, we can smile, we can laugh. With anger, we learn to express it in healthy and constructive ways. With shame, however, what I am learning is that the only remedy is to speak your heart. To speak your story. We need to be honest with our emotions and learn to become vulnerable with our true selves. We need to heal our inner children. We need to take care of ourselves. After all, if we do not love ourselves, how can we love others? Jesus heals. Absolutely! Oftentimes, within the shame carrier’s story, there exists a great many misconceptions and areas of faulty thinking. Basically within these stories, lies exist, either told to them directly or developed out of frustration of trauma. These lies have to be assessed and reframed in order for the survivor to be healed completely. For their true selves to emerge. At which point, the love of Christ within a person has the potential to become truly manifest. That love can bloom and blossom. Look at the child. They are unconcerned with worldly things such as money or people’s opinions. They simply chase their dreams. They simply dance and beat to the drum their own beautiful hearts emit. This is what the Gospel means, “To enter the Kingdom of Heaven, we need to have the heart of a child.” This does not mean being childish. It simply means being unrestricted by the weights of this life. To be free. To have one’s spirit in harmony with their body. I am learning this. Still, I am carrying the repressed emotions from my childhood still. Dang, I was terrified of people’s opinions as a baby. Because unfair burdens were placed upon my shoulders as a child. Burdens that not even adults should have to carry. Let us remember the vast complexity, indeed resilience of childhood. Though they are resilient, they are vulnerable as well. What is done to them and around them affects them greatly. I simply want to encourage you tonight. Children are so precious. Life is so incredibly precious and beautiful. They are also incredibly vulnerable and impressionable. We need to care for them. We need give them a future, which they can laid hold of firmly and confidently, with both hands, saying, “thank you for giving me life. I exist today, because at a point in my existence, somebody (many people) decided that I was worthy of life and of the investment in my life.” Let the little children come to Jesus. For He loves such as these.

The suffering I endured in my childhood was a crucifixion. I would have died had I not been carried by angels. This suffering was for God. Regardless of whether or not it was endured in Christ, it was for the glory of God and for the reparation of sins. For all of you. God always intended to reward me for the suffering I endured. Is it His will I be hurt more? It is not a punishment. This penance is not for me. It is for you. To satiate your envy and contempt. If Jesus descended from the cross, what would be your reaction? Perhaps this is the only question we need to answer to define our faith. Would you continue spitting on him? Tell him to man up? That he needed to do more penance since God doesn’t choose favorites? Would you nurture and tend to his wounds? It’s really very telling. Regardless of what Catholic Church tells us, God does not want us to suffer. Okay. They even agree God doesn’t want us to suffer. Here’s what they almost always miss. God, in point of the clearest manner of truth, always wants to reward us. How much more so when a child of His suffered for Him in childhood? It is simply unjust for God to ignore one who willingly suffered for him? Did this one commit sin? Yep. God knew the risk when He asked him to suffer. You are being bullies. You don’t even see it yourselves. A bully picks on the one who is weaker than them. Who is smaller than them. But it always stems from the bullies insecurities and inadequacy. I have seen it and been there. I was abused at home. I bullied as a result. Do you believe God will justify your bullying of this one because of your sick, gross and perverse envy? I’m not afraid to suffer. Here are my wrists. Quit pussyfooting around this. I am saying: This was never the will of God until your filthy corruption and envy was revealed. What you are interpreting as sin in me is simply trauma. Can you not see? They are trying to get rid of me. What I claim, if true, invalidates everything about their religion and faith. This is spiritual abuse. Still, so be it. Here are my wrists. Not everybody shall have complete victory, vindication and justification at their deaths. Some are going to experience a mighty humiliation. Good luck. Fighting against God!

I am losing strength, Church. I am so tired. What gives me strength is not me. It is all of you. I know you must be tired and exhausted as well. I know even that this is the reason for your hardheartedness over the past couple of years. I’ll tell you that the reason this blessing is being postponed is not because of my sin. We all have sin, don’t we? The reason your blessing of the world has not come is because of your leaders. It is out of envy and contempt at the fact that God could choose a sinner and not them to enact his will. They are sinners as well. This blessing will come one way or the other. I am telling you the truth: within five years, the world shall be completely renewed. It shall be glorious. You are doing so very well. Despite your sin, your concupiscence, you need to know that your God, Jehovah loves you with an everlasting love. He is not ashamed of you. If you come near to Him, God will be your friend. He will rejoice in you and bless you enormously. You have been on Jehovah’s mind for much time. He desires you to know that He knows you are tired. He desires you to know He is going to personally wipe every tear away. He has taken note of the great works your world has done, the great feats and works of literature and art. He desires you to know that you need to develop a relationship with Him. He desires you to know that you need not accept your own murders. Stand up and fight for yourselves. This does not need be done from battle. Your leaders need simply stand up and change the tide. Repent you, leaders. Or your humiliation will come swiftly and coldly. He has grown tired of your corruption. 

Keep your eyes open

I’ve been feeling very overwhelmed over the past couple of weeks. A lot of negative emotions and reactions caused by everything I have experienced in my life and things that are happening at the moment. Though overall, I feel I am doing a great job of controlling what I am feeling. And no matter what I feel, I always have a grateful heart and soul. I try hard to be and to express my gratitude. But sometimes, our feelings need expression in order to heal and move on. Something happened earlier this week, which kind of served to open my eyes. See, with everything I am going through, I easily allow my problems, what’s worrying me to dominate my mind and to weigh on my soul. I’ve got to admit and I want to apologize for this that with many interactions I have been having, I end up speaking about my problems. I am very grateful for amazing friendships with people who understand what I am going through. I know that they too, have a lot of problems. But something happened that made me question the ways that I have been approaching issues. I’ve been seeing a spiritual counselor for a couple of weeks. And each time I enter his office, I take the opportunity to unload my issues. The last time I met with him, he asked me if I had a goal in my meetings with him. In answer to his question about what my goal was, I told him that I wanted to work through a bit of the shame and fear I was feeling and to retrain my inner child. To continue, he started asking me some questions about my life and my situation. The way he was asking them encouraged me to dig into some of my feelings about myself. One of the questions he asked me was what I am doing to face my fears. Man! He really helped me realize how well I am doing, especially in the face of all I have endured in this life. It was so wonderfully refreshing. I’ll share with you the same story I shared with him after a while. For most of my life, I've had a pretty crippling fear of heights. I couldn't even step up four rungs of a ladder before my body would start to force collapse into the fetal position. I’d been watching Youtube videos of people’s experiences on the Edge Walk for a couple of weeks prior. I had absolutely no intention of going on that but was watching because I knew I wanted to challenge my fears. I imagined starting in a smaller way. Still, I’ve got to admit it looked so exciting. I skirted around the idea of buying tickets a couple of times, even going to the point of inserting my details into the form before closing the browser in a huff of anxiety. Until, one day I decided I was finally going to do it. No regrets right? So, like an idiot, I posted on my Facebook page that I was going to do the walk in order to challenge a lifelong fear. There was no backing out at that point. That morning, the day of the walk, I woke feeling near death with anxiety. I had difficulty even getting out of bed. Anyways, my body tremoring like a leaf, I got on the bus and went down to Union Station. Then I cabbed over to the Tower, just shivering in fear. I was terrified that I would have a panic attack in the middle of the walk and not being able to come inside. I met a couple of amazing people who did the walk with me. They seemed to welcome me very easily and happily allowed me to join in their discussion. I think our ease of friendship was increased because of the fear we felt. At least, that’s how I feel. Anyways, I appreciate their talking to me. It was very nice. They strapped us up pretty well. My stomach was dropping and I felt like I was consciously choosing death, though surely knowing the contrary to be true, stepping out. Stepping out was terrible. The hardest part was looking over the edge first, trying to move my toes up to the edge. Once I was out there for a couple of minutes, an amazing sensation of deep peace felt like it washed across my senses. It was amazing. I remember repeating to myself over and over, every time I felt anxiety, ‘I trust you, Lord Jesus’. It got to the point where I didn’t have to hold on to the harness to walk. And I was looking down to the city through the grate most of the time. Amazing! What a marvelous experience! Once I came down, I felt a little bummed out actually. I had just started to get comfortable up there and, at that point, could have spent a couple of hours. I literally feel like I had so much fun that I could have just walked around in circles around the top of the tower until the sun set. I had such an awesome time! It felt liberating and empowering to stand up for myself, the rights I know I have always had and to challenge the fears. This particular fear, for me, was devastating. I feel like it is one fear I will never have to face in the same way again. That is to say, the fear won’t challenge me as deeply any more. I will say here, though there is going to be a post about it in the future that I am a survivor of childhood sexual abuse. I've been healing for a number of years. One thing I have learned with the trauma in my early life is that in order to heal, we sometimes have to reopen how we felt about a lot of the stuff that happened to us. As much as we need to go back and revisit old wounds and the feelings associated with them, in order to heal, we also need to rest. We need to stop and take a look around. Not only at all of our accomplishments, which can be easily brushed aside when we get caught up in our healing. But also, we have to look around at the incredible Creation that surrounds us. That we are very much a part of and are connected to. We have to remember our value as human beings. It is easy to hold on to the Gospel in our sunny days. But we need to hold on to hope when the storm clouds of fear are in the sky. Our spiritual journey does not always lead to human happiness or freedom from fear and worries. Rather our journey locates the insights, strength and courage we need to face that which makes us afraid. The amazing truth is that with Christ in our hearts, with even a small amount of faith, we can accomplish any feat. Because we know that God is on our side. Learning to heal from many traumas in my life has taught me how important the Gospel of Christ is to me. It is in healing, in moving back and reliving our shame and our anger and our fears that we experience emotions that were never validated or allowed to process. It is in approaching and retraining our inner child to trust us that we allow the injured part of ourselves to be vulnerable and to grow. It is in retraining our hearts, by replacing the wounds and the lies from how we were treated as children with the love of the Gospel that we are able to let go of the loss and move forward to living the life that God always intended for us. We have nothing to fear in fear. "I will show you fear in a handful of dust" - TS Eliot. We deserve better than our fears. Because waiting on the other side of them, are joys and feelings - a life - we can’t know anything about if we don’t step past them. I've done a lot in the past to challenge myself. And no matter how rough things get, I can’t lose sight of two things: First of all, that I am doing better than how I feel in difficult times. That I am bigger than my problems. And second and most importantly that I am so incredibly loved, valued and cared for by a God who created literally everything. Whoever you are, wherever you have been, you are so worthy. This is not about what you've done. Rather it's all about what's been done for you. Indeed, whatever you have done, we are so blessed to have such a loving Father in Heaven who is so passionate about us for our good. He is in love with us. Keep your eyes open to your own wonderful potential in love. Without love, there is nothing. With love, we can do anything.

Life and love

It’s been a busy couple of weeks. I've been trying to go to Mass daily over the past weeks. Somehow, I feel very strongly that I need to focus less on the material aspects of this life and get more in touch with my spiritual self. Before Mass, I always try to say the Rosary in the church. I try to read at least three chapters of the Word and make time to converse with God daily. Still, a part of me feels that in order for me to become more connected with my spiritual self, I need to be able to open up to the vulnerability of intimacy and love. Something I experienced a lot of stress surrounding over the course of my life because of the nature of what I have been through. Some reading may be familiar with my life’s story and testimony. I hope to be able to share this a bit more personally as I become more comfortable with this medium. I will only say that I suffered extended abuse throughout childhood and a traumatic brain injury as an adolescent that left me comatose for three months and paralyzed due to muscular atrophy for another at least six months. I am still sort of, relearning how to walk, seventeen years later. I had a flashback a while ago. I was thinking a bit today about all of the times that I have hurt myself because, having no other outlet with which to direct the feelings, I internalized the anger and fear I felt. Because it was what I was essentially taught, I had very little value for my life and for what I actually wanted in life. Thinking about this kind of made me weep because I realize the cause of these lies and why I felt the way I felt. There is a reason for everything we do. No one is perfect. We need to be able to recognize our ability to affect others in both positive and negative ways. And that life affects us. I guess this realization of the way I used to treat myself and in seeing the reason why I treated myself the way I did has created in me a drive to improve. I want to show myself the love that I know I deserve. The greatest commandment of Torah: To love with all the mind and heart, the Lord, our God. The second is like it. To love others as you love yourself. Thinking about this, it seems reasonable to assume that it is difficult to love others if you don’t love yourself. So, I suppose this is a reason I have decided to go to Mass on a more than once a week basis. I’ve started going to the gym two or three times a week. A couple of days ago, when I was there, a really cool guy who used to be a kick boxer came over when I was hitting the punching bag and showed me how to hit it in a bit more of a controlled manner. Before this, I would just unload all of my tension into the bag, swinging my arms. With his advice, I was able to spend in total about half an hour to an hour on the bag. Such a powerful way to release repressed anger and feelings that have been buried. I feel it’s necessary to express these negative feelings. We cannot simply repress them. Because when we do that, they affect upon us in less clear ways. It’s not a bad thing to feel and to hurt. I am not ashamed to feel my feelings because they’re a reaction of what I have been through. It has allowed me to see myself with love and to start to treat others with love and respect. It has allowed me to think before I speak or do things. We’re all troubled with impulses. It has allowed me to rejoice in my sufferings and what I have been through. It has allowed me to praise who I am today. It has allowed me to find happiness and joy in myself. But the scars still exist. God is the God of the living and not of the dead. I heard an homily a couple of weeks ago at a cathedral in Toronto that reflected over this truth. The priest offered that Abraham, Isaac and Jacob are still alive in God even though they cease living. This is because Jesus is the life and the resurrection. Jesus is the life giver. Jesus proved this in His ministry on earth by raising Lazarus and healing people’s illnesses. He proved God’s love for us in that while He was permitted to be among us, He did the work of God by healing that, which was broken and hurting. More than that, God was prepared to sacrifice His Son because He was in love with us so that we could be reconciled to Him. He proved this after His ministry on earth through the Apostles and disciples through whom He bestowed His Holy Spirit. Peter and Paul even raised people from the dead. Through these followers of the Way, many more were healed and the works of God were continued. I believe in the resurrection for us, in these times, as well. That while we have Christ in us, we are new beings. Reflecting over the fact that I used to hurt myself makes me sad because I am beginning to see what Christ saw in me. I am beginning to see at what cost He purchased my soul. I am beginning to see that I am worthy, absolutely because my God loves me. I spent the weekend in Niagara Falls. I spent it with a good friend from Edmonton. Being there encouraged my understanding that there is more to the world than that which simply existed in my own home, growing up. Even though there was a lot hindering my moving forward, I am feeling loved and happy now, on returning. And I believe that I deserve to be happy. I want to always remember God’s great promises. While we wait on the Lord, our strength will be renewed. "Blessed is the one who perseveres under trial, because when they have stood the test, he will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love him” (James 1:12). Even in suffering and unpleasant seasons, we are not alone. “I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us” (Romans 8:18). Brothers and sisters, you are very loved and when we wait for God, it is so worth it. Because God has planned for us sights no one on Earth has ever seen. God has planned for us sounds no ear has ever heard, and smells, no nose has ever smelled. That is certainly to say the least. Keep faith in your secured futures. Changes are coming. Everyone has been through so much. Regardless of your religion, race or history, we all hurt in the same way. Though our reactions differ and greatly do they differ, we were all children at one point, longing for our mothers to hold us and comfort us. We need to empathize with our brother. Don’t forget the awe and beauty of this world. I see people standing next to gulls and walking through flocks of pigeons like nothing is happening. If you remove the common place occurrence that this is, and mind you, the peskiness of these animals and just step back and view these scenes for the magic they actually are, you’d be surprised. This applies to everything. Just think of the joy and majesty of creation that went into their forming. Think back, remember, as a child, viewing the world for the first time. There is so much more to life than what we believe. This entire world is a testimony to the awesome love and power and glory of God Almighty. Everything we have done as a world is magnificent. I remember during the time I spent on Grimsey Island in Iceland, I was reflecting a lot. I was taking a lot in visually. In spite of the incredible beauty of the island and the genuine warmth of the people there, there was not much to see. The thought was welcomed in my mind that life can flourish anywhere. All it takes is more than one person. The warmth and love I was shown in my time on this quaint and unique little island, with a population of no more than 100 in the summer, kindled something genuine and irreplaceable for me. I just remember walking through the little streets, observing the trampolines for the children, the tiny church in the middle of the island, the little community restaurant where after a certain time, the locals would show up and start conversing and drinking. Having fun, like people should be allowed to. I remember walking through the schoolyard, reflecting on how many children had grown through it, down by the harbor, a hopscotch design painted into the pavement, a lone lighthouse on the far end of the island. I just think sometimes that it’s remarkably beautiful that we can do this for ourselves. I think it’s amazing the communities we can develop and foster and nourish through the love we have for each other. Love builds up. Only love builds up. Anyways, I wasn’t sleeping much on that trip and I tend to think like that when I don’t sleep. Everyone deserves love and life. Be yourself. The human life is not dispensable. Keep things in perspective. Jesus gives me hope in that I have sinned but He has called me to return to Him and His love. He knows why we sin. And that gives me hope. We all just need to understand to have empathy. Don’t forget the way your hearts have been touched deeply in your lives. And seek out these experiences. Remember, we are all human beings. We all suffer greatly. This can be a matter which unites us greatly as a community. It doesn’t have to tear us apart. I think it’s important to remember, all the time that after the trial, however big it is, things will get better if we keep faith. We just have to overcome and fight it straight on. Keeping faith in the Christ the whole time. “A woman giving birth to a child has pain because her time has come; but when her baby is born she forgets the anguish because of her joy that a child is born into the world” (John 16:21). So, I’m trying something new. Last entry I posted here, I mentioned a list of gratitude that I have been keeping since I began my trauma recovery at the beginning of 2015. I’ve scarcely missed a day in keeping an entry. And indeed has it helped my overall outlook and thought process. But now, I intend to be grateful and to be vocal about that gratitude. As it says in Psalm 100:4-5, “Enter his gates with thanksgiving and his courts with praise; give thanks to him and praise his name. For the Lord is good and his love endures forever; his faithfulness continues through all generations.” Because in vocalizing your thoughts, they have the potential to become reality. Today, the thing I’m most grateful for is the vitality of the human soul, mine in particular that it has the ability to change at any point in life and to see the beauty around me. Anyone can live in the past, caught up in past sin, but it takes something stronger for a soul to overcome and strive for better. I’m also grateful for others’ abilities to change their perspectives almost so freely and willingly when one has chosen and taken the step towards repentance. Praise God for the human spirit! I am thankful for the grace and love of God and for the fact that He has offered me this life. I am amazed and humbled in the presence of the graces He has generously and abundantly showered upon me. I am very grateful to Him for each breath that I take. There is so much beauty, so much light and so much love in this world. Let’s begin to choose to see that. Today, I am grateful that even though a part of me has died, with all of the trauma I have been forced to endure, I’m very much alive. And I know, now that I love myself and deserve good things. Jesus has given me new life. Life seriously deserves a high five.