Journal

I'm going to upload my journal and list of gratitude here that I have been keeping for the past year and a half. I've had a lot of thoughts and inspirations over this time and I would like to share them with people. I'm feeling apprehension in doing this, partly in the fact that I would be doing this for myself. But also because I feel as though I don't have a right to a voice. I've been censored a lot over the course of my life and the nature of what I experienced was also pretty censoring and silencing. But, I have been taking my voice back for a while. And I have a right to speak what's on my heart. I'd just like to remind you to keep everything I am saying (if people even read this) in perspective and context with my story, which I shared at the beginning of this blog. Stay tuned, journal. ;)

The Power of Love:

Today, I am grateful to be a part of the human race. Because when you open your eyes and don’t keep them shut due to bitterness and shame, you can truly see some wonderful people doing some even more wonderful things. This life is so beautiful. This chance is so precious. It’s too easy to get caught up in the negative about what’s happening: the terror, the war, the hunger. This is always very important. And we cannot ignore that it is happening. This matters and these are real people. This life is only temporary. We are living this life for Life. When we focus on love, we can overcome through the darkest times. I just want to encourage you. Because dark times still may come. And we need to remember through the night that day is approaching. We need to remember that in the storm, calm awaits. We need to remember that we are so marvelously loved. With that as our weapon and shield, we can overcome any obstacle. We need to be patient with each other. We all cry. We all bleed. More than that, we all love. We share a similar experience. Don’t allow the world and things that are happening here to distort or confuse your understanding of love. “But you, take courage! Do not let your hands be weak, for your work shall be rewarded” (2 Chronicles 15:7). I have faith in that. I will never lose faith in that.

My story

I mentioned a while ago here that when I felt comfortable enough I would tell my story. Here it is: For a lot of my life, I was abused pretty badly. The abuse started as early as I am able to remember. It went on for many years after. It took the form of emotional, physical and violent sexual abuse. Growing up, I was left very much alone to deal with the emotions and shame caused by the abusive behavior of a few people. As an adolescent, I was assaulted in a park across from my family home in Ontario. My skull was shattered by a kick to the head and a piece of the broken bone caused a bleed in my brain. I died two or three times (or so I’m told), spent two weeks on life-support, three months comatose and an additional year in a wheelchair. In spite of the seriousness of this injury, it did not affect me in as serious a way as the abuse affected me. Because it occurred once and was over – because it was physical only – because it wasn’t a betrayal of trust and of love, it wouldn’t have the same effect as the abuse. The abuse, on the other hand, extended for years and incorporated many different forms of abusive behavior. There was a Canadian television movie made about this situation. It was a good movie, a really good movie. In that it got the conversation started about bullying. But it was about me I guess and in that regard, left out a couple of crucial details. Shortly after the injury that happened to me, I was diagnosed as having the symptoms of complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. At this time, the realizations about the abuse I had experienced I had repressed. Though I was always conscious of these experiences to some degree, my mind had done its best to protect me from these realizations that would have been too devastating to realize at the time. And I am grateful to my mind for that. When our foundations and groundings as human beings are shaky, when our developments have been interrupted, we will not have effective footing from which to draw the resources we need to confront everything that comes our way. I’ve come a long way since that injury and have traveled even further in seeking healing for the abuse and many childhood traumas in my past. I’ve literally learned to do everything again. At an age when most kids are busy figuring out what they are going to do for the rest of their lives, establishing a foundation, so to speak, learning to love and to have fun, I spent relearning how to swallow my own saliva, to walk and to use the fine muscles in my body again. Because of the muscular atrophy that occurred, I spent several months following my waking from the coma paralyzed. My hands atrophied into clenched balls because they weren’t used. My calves became so tight that my feet pointed straight down from my ankles. This was in spite of the fact that I had continual splint therapy. The doctors said, and who could blame them that I would never walk again. Really, it’s a miracle that I am able to walk, I essentially taught myself. The physiotherapists were all great and they did what they were able at the times I was with them. I had so much difficulty with the high walker, the walker and the cane that eventually I just threw them away. I ended up going back to high school. I had a very difficult time navigating the school because of my limitations physically. But when I returned, I didn’t want to use any aids. And I am proud of myself for that. I feel I am still relearning to walk, a decade and a half after that injury. During the time I spent paralyzed, I remember focussing so hard on trying to move my muscles. I must have spent a week trying and focussing continually on my pinky finger, trying to get it to move, when it finally moved a bit. I was so happy and continued like this. At the time, I would rejoice with every new accomplishment. It was as though the times of darkness, so to speak, the time when I spent paralyzed, the waiting and the eventual triumphs, small as they were, made these accomplishments all the more sweet-dog. But eventually, the weight of everything I had been through emotionally returned. There was a long period of time, during which I struggled an awful lot. I smoked over three packs of cigarettes a day and struggled with other addictions. During this time, I continued to go to school and to do what I could. I wrote a lot and painted a lot. And I am able to look back with respect upon myself for finding the strength to continue through so many obstacles. But the fact that I was struggling a lot was evident if only through my appearance, through the way I presented myself. I've been through quite a bit. I’ve been subject to many different trauma. Because of the stuff I have lived through, I’ve looked to many avenues to find peace and hope. I’ve looked for answers, with the hope that my mind would find love. I've experimented with different spiritualties. During the time I spent in university, I read through the primary texts of most major world religions. After reading the Bible, I felt such a powerful connection and resonance. In college, I was having a terrible time emotionally. This led to my drastic decline in physical well-being. For me, I was literally at the end of my ropes when I called out to Jesus and accepted Him as Lord. I was baptized some time after. My relationship with Christ has always been one of dependence and healing. In the trials I have experienced, my search for meaning was endless. With Christ, I have found that meaning and He gives me hope in the future and faith to fight through and recognize that what I've been through is not the end. There is so much more waiting for us. He shows me so much more. Over the past several years especially, I have been doing a lot to better myself. And have addressed a lot of the shame I feel. In a past post, I spoke about some things I have been doing to challenge my fears. I quit smoking three packs a day cold turkey, with the help of our Lord Jesus Christ. Actually, I quit all of my addictions. Except for going to the gym. I graduated from college and university with a degree in English Literature. Following this, I have written several books. I bought a car in 2012 and drove out to Edmonton from Toronto by myself. In 2013, I drove down to Florida by myself. I have been healing from the wounds of my childhood for three years. But really, this post is not about my accomplishments. If I have anything to boast about, it is surely in the Christ who has given hope where no hope existed simply because of what I had been through. It is through Him that I have a chance. I can only boast in the love and faith I have held on to through the sufferings I have endured for the sake of the cross of Jesus. This is the sole reason for my life today. This is the reason my life has value today. This is the reason I continue to fight and to be grateful. It’s not about me. Rather, it is all about Him. Man was created in the image of God, in order that we may live our lives for the glory of God, the Creator. Following the Creation, man was tempted away from God and sinned resulting in the curse of death. Because of this original sin, all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God. Then, in His mercy, God sent for mankind a Savior, His Son as a sacrificial offering that man would be redeemed to God. Therefore, whoever believes in the Son of God, Jesus and has faith in His death and resurrection, will not experience death. The Gospel is the good news of the kingdom of God and the fulfillment of the Mosaic Law and the Prophets with the replacement of a new law: the law of Love. The grace of God is a gift. Though it’s important and should be something we strive towards, what truly matters is not our righteousness. But the righteousness of Christ. But we still need to heal from the wounds of our past. The beautiful Holy Spirit, He is a helper who will lead us on a holy and righteous path to healing and repentance. I have an unshakable faith now that I did not have at one time. Knowing that the helper is a seal on my heart, even under the worst of situations and will not leave me, unless it is the will of God, is an enormous comfort for me. The unbreakable hope that I have in my heart, in many ways has restored my soul even when my body fails. Christ gives us the hope and love and courage and faith to approach healing well and with strength. In order to grieve what I had lost, in order to process every emotion and thought that I had repressed, in order to confront the fear and the shame, I had to explore a lot of the stuff I had hidden in my mind. Speaking about what I am feeling is always a good release. I think the outlet for shame, as crying is for sorrow, as yelling or lashing out in a healthy way is for anger, is having an environment where you are able to verbally express yourself uninhibited. After some time of healing on my own, through individual counselors and journaling, I was referred to a wonderful resource for survivors healing from childhood sexual abuse in my hometown of Toronto, Ontario. I’ll never forget the first time I stepped into the Gatehouse healing support group for survivors of childhood sexual abuse. I will never forget the warm and compassionate approach with which they address healing. The first night, entering into a room that was filled with sorrow, anger, fear and shame. The last night we spent together, entering the same room filled with courage, hope and support. The comradery that I fostered with other men who were going through exactly what I was going through was unlike any other relationships I had. I will never forget the feeling of being accepted and understood, unconditionally, for the first time in possibly my life. This was such a valuable resource for me in my own recovery journey and I would recommend it to anyone who is walking a similar path at the moment. My path here has taught me that we need to try to be tolerant and understanding of the mistakes of others. We can’t see their life’s history. That’s true. But we can empathize. Knowing that life, especially in these days, is not easy for anyone. It’s certainly taught me to empathize with myself and others to a greater degree. I have never really felt worthy enough or had enough of an identity to feel confident that I know what I want. What I wanted was always second to the wants and needs of others. I was shown quickly that what I wanted didn’t matter. So, I’ve grown not feeling worthy to want what I want. I think I really need to stop looking at all of the bad things I am doing. I need to stop making up bad situations that were not even there in the first place. I need to stop feeling badly about who I am. I need to stop seeing everything that is bad and negative about me. I need to recognize that I am a child of God. And that that is paramount to any despair, any trauma and any failure I could have. God fills the gap. I want this. I want to live and love. I don’t know how to. I am learning. And I am fighting so darned hard for the life that I know I deserve. I don’t need love as a reward for something I’ve done or said. I don’t even need reciprocal love. What I need, what I crave and deserve is unconditional love. There is only one place from which to get that. For most of my life I had difficulty between putting needs of others before my own and standing up for the rights I know that I as a human being have. In circumstances, I had difficulty understanding this because my rights to myself were trampled for so long. Loving does not mean rolling over and being submissive. As people of the Way, we need to be assertive. But we need to be able to recognize and appreciate the fact that positive change is rarely implemented through force. We need to remember the fact that love, forgiveness and persistence have the capacity to move mountains. The shame and fear that I felt, a result and a symptom of abuse, kept me back from doing a lot in life. I have had a really traumatic life and because the traumas occurred so early in my life, I never developed the tools to function to the extent of what I was capable of, to the extent of my faith, in society. Because of that as well as intense trauma and trauma reactions, sometimes I have quite a bit of difficulty. But there is no way I could ever be perfect and I praise God that He understands and empathizes with me for that reason. God has done so much in my life around everything I've been through since I accepted the Spirit. I don't want to explain fully what I have been through here. In the face of a lot of suffering, He has offered me a great deal of hope. He has given me the hope to actually do things with my life, where once was only despair. He's given me the ability to create, whether that's writing or painting. And He has placed me on a path to healing, both physically and emotionally and the desire to live righteously. If I think now, I am probably unable to count the amount of full out addictions and self-destructive patterns that His grace has saved me from. He has helped me to heal and transform negative thoughts about myself that resulted from unfair situations, into positive. He has given me the uncanny ability to forgive the heinous case of abuse against me. That certainly does not excuse the behavior. Most of all, as we are all sinners, He has offered me forgiveness for my own sins. I have faith in my God who I know will forgive. I am learning to rejoice in these things that have happened to me. Even though I have not had the best past, I have a choice about the direction of my future, especially in the knowledge about why my past was stumbled at times. And I have a choice to be happy in my life. It’s so easy to get caught up in the business of life, the urgency of our daily deeds that it becomes dreadfully simple to forget about all that we have done as human beings, the journeys we are all on, the goals we have set as individuals. We need to take time to appreciate the beauties of life and the intricacies of God’s Creation. After all, He created this world for us. He created this planet for us. Life really is short. It’s literally a flash, an instant in time. We need to get out and make what we want out of our lives. We need to stop wasting our time with things that do not matter, in the grand scheme of things. We need to reveal our true, authentic selves. Our inner children. We need to pack up all of the masques and coping mechanisms that cover up our true natures, our true visions and our true goals and hopes for this life. In a time in our history when we are surrounded by distractions, bombarded by constant emotional and mental interference, it’s easy to become caught up by the world. Do not forget where your true home is. Where you belong. And how to get there. We need to sit with our feelings and not be constantly busy. God loves all of you so much. We need to reach out to Him and accept His love. This is much easier than it sounds. People need and deserve to feel loved. And the only true and natural source for that love that embraces all and endures all, wanting only happiness, love and glory for those who choose to accept it, is the Christ. He is the only source for the unconditional love we need as creatures of God. Just don’t give up on love. It’s absolutely a worthy fight. All I can do is continue to be grateful and faithful. Fear, wishing I was dead, anger and resentment. I am sick of that trash. I’m done with that rubbish. I’m tired of hurting myself because of stuff that wasn’t my fault in the first place. I’m tired of being angry and ashamed of who I am as a living and breathing human being. I need to continue to have compassion on myself. I’m going to love myself with the love that I deserve. Because I deserve to love myself for who I am. And I like to think I am on my way towards discovering who my authentic self is. I like to think that I am moving, even if it is slowly, towards loving myself as the child that I can feel I once was. I am learning to treat him, that beautiful little boy with love and respect. I am learning ways to treat him with love. There are so many things I feel I am doing for him. I am adapting an attitude of compassion toward him and not hurting him and being rough with him out of my repressed anger. After everything about who I was as a human being was shattered numerous times, I feel I am on a positive course. I know how difficult it is to walk around in a world that is cold, seemingly indifferent to our pain. I know what it’s like to not want to live anymore because it seems like there is no love in the world and so many terrible things going on by the second. I want you to know that there is love. All the love the world ever needed. It is found in what God Almighty, the Maker of Heaven and of earth, did for you. He ransomed you from death by dying for you on a cross of wood. That love, His love, once you feel it, triumphs over the suffering and the indifference. In that love, there is healing, peace, joy and hope. True healing cannot begin until you see your value. We have to have love for ourselves. If we do not learn to love ourselves as creatures of God, especially if we are given the opportunity to live into adulthood, how can we love our souls? We need to value what we are trying to save. This is where Christ comes in. We need to believe that we are worth saving. We need to believe that things can change. Under the masques and the walls and the shame and despair and fear and anger, the person that God created you to be is waiting to come out. Christ offers us that love. Knowing and believing in the truth of the resurrection of Jesus Christ. He is above me. He has authority over my life. He will lead me perfectly home. I trust that. And I trust Him.

Keep your eyes open

I’ve been feeling very overwhelmed over the past couple of weeks. A lot of negative emotions and reactions caused by everything I have experienced in my life and things that are happening at the moment. Though overall, I feel I am doing a great job of controlling what I am feeling. And no matter what I feel, I always have a grateful heart and soul. I try hard to be and to express my gratitude. But sometimes, our feelings need expression in order to heal and move on. Something happened earlier this week, which kind of served to open my eyes. See, with everything I am going through, I easily allow my problems, what’s worrying me to dominate my mind and to weigh on my soul. I’ve got to admit and I want to apologize for this that with many interactions I have been having, I end up speaking about my problems. I am very grateful for amazing friendships with people who understand what I am going through. I know that they too, have a lot of problems. But something happened that made me question the ways that I have been approaching issues. I’ve been seeing a spiritual counselor for a couple of weeks. And each time I enter his office, I take the opportunity to unload my issues. The last time I met with him, he asked me if I had a goal in my meetings with him. In answer to his question about what my goal was, I told him that I wanted to work through a bit of the shame and fear I was feeling and to retrain my inner child. To continue, he started asking me some questions about my life and my situation. The way he was asking them encouraged me to dig into some of my feelings about myself. One of the questions he asked me was what I am doing to face my fears. Man! He really helped me realize how well I am doing, especially in the face of all I have endured in this life. It was so wonderfully refreshing. I’ll share with you the same story I shared with him after a while. For most of my life, I've had a pretty crippling fear of heights. I couldn't even step up four rungs of a ladder before my body would start to force collapse into the fetal position. I’d been watching Youtube videos of people’s experiences on the Edge Walk for a couple of weeks prior. I had absolutely no intention of going on that but was watching because I knew I wanted to challenge my fears. I imagined starting in a smaller way. Still, I’ve got to admit it looked so exciting. I skirted around the idea of buying tickets a couple of times, even going to the point of inserting my details into the form before closing the browser in a huff of anxiety. Until, one day I decided I was finally going to do it. No regrets right? So, like an idiot, I posted on my Facebook page that I was going to do the walk in order to challenge a lifelong fear. There was no backing out at that point. That morning, the day of the walk, I woke feeling near death with anxiety. I had difficulty even getting out of bed. Anyways, my body tremoring like a leaf, I got on the bus and went down to Union Station. Then I cabbed over to the Tower, just shivering in fear. I was terrified that I would have a panic attack in the middle of the walk and not being able to come inside. I met a couple of amazing people who did the walk with me. They seemed to welcome me very easily and happily allowed me to join in their discussion. I think our ease of friendship was increased because of the fear we felt. At least, that’s how I feel. Anyways, I appreciate their talking to me. It was very nice. They strapped us up pretty well. My stomach was dropping and I felt like I was consciously choosing death, though surely knowing the contrary to be true, stepping out. Stepping out was terrible. The hardest part was looking over the edge first, trying to move my toes up to the edge. Once I was out there for a couple of minutes, an amazing sensation of deep peace felt like it washed across my senses. It was amazing. I remember repeating to myself over and over, every time I felt anxiety, ‘I trust you, Lord Jesus’. It got to the point where I didn’t have to hold on to the harness to walk. And I was looking down to the city through the grate most of the time. Amazing! What a marvelous experience! Once I came down, I felt a little bummed out actually. I had just started to get comfortable up there and, at that point, could have spent a couple of hours. I literally feel like I had so much fun that I could have just walked around in circles around the top of the tower until the sun set. I had such an awesome time! It felt liberating and empowering to stand up for myself, the rights I know I have always had and to challenge the fears. This particular fear, for me, was devastating. I feel like it is one fear I will never have to face in the same way again. That is to say, the fear won’t challenge me as deeply any more. I will say here, though there is going to be a post about it in the future that I am a survivor of childhood sexual abuse. I've been healing for a number of years. One thing I have learned with the trauma in my early life is that in order to heal, we sometimes have to reopen how we felt about a lot of the stuff that happened to us. As much as we need to go back and revisit old wounds and the feelings associated with them, in order to heal, we also need to rest. We need to stop and take a look around. Not only at all of our accomplishments, which can be easily brushed aside when we get caught up in our healing. But also, we have to look around at the incredible Creation that surrounds us. That we are very much a part of and are connected to. We have to remember our value as human beings. It is easy to hold on to the Gospel in our sunny days. But we need to hold on to hope when the storm clouds of fear are in the sky. Our spiritual journey does not always lead to human happiness or freedom from fear and worries. Rather our journey locates the insights, strength and courage we need to face that which makes us afraid. The amazing truth is that with Christ in our hearts, with even a small amount of faith, we can accomplish any feat. Because we know that God is on our side. Learning to heal from many traumas in my life has taught me how important the Gospel of Christ is to me. It is in healing, in moving back and reliving our shame and our anger and our fears that we experience emotions that were never validated or allowed to process. It is in approaching and retraining our inner child to trust us that we allow the injured part of ourselves to be vulnerable and to grow. It is in retraining our hearts, by replacing the wounds and the lies from how we were treated as children with the love of the Gospel that we are able to let go of the loss and move forward to living the life that God always intended for us. We have nothing to fear in fear. "I will show you fear in a handful of dust" - TS Eliot. We deserve better than our fears. Because waiting on the other side of them, are joys and feelings - a life - we can’t know anything about if we don’t step past them. I've done a lot in the past to challenge myself. And no matter how rough things get, I can’t lose sight of two things: First of all, that I am doing better than how I feel in difficult times. That I am bigger than my problems. And second and most importantly that I am so incredibly loved, valued and cared for by a God who created literally everything. Whoever you are, wherever you have been, you are so worthy. This is not about what you've done. Rather it's all about what's been done for you. Indeed, whatever you have done, we are so blessed to have such a loving Father in Heaven who is so passionate about us for our good. He is in love with us. Keep your eyes open to your own wonderful potential in love. Without love, there is nothing. With love, we can do anything.

Grateful

My gosh, today I am just so incredibly grateful for everything in God’s glorious Creation. Everything seems to have a brilliant glow. But I will get to that. Right now, I am in my room, writing, birds are flying around outside my window. I put bird seed there last night. I am remembering a time when I had probably the most important and incredible epiphany that I had at the beautiful church I used to go to in Markham. It happened like something just clicked into place. I am almost certain that it had much to do with my small group and with a confession I made to them. Because all of the sudden and it happened out of thin air, I felt in my heart the awesome, beautiful and soul-filling love of God. Prior to sharing with my small group what I shared with them, I knew that God loved me. But it was very much on a conscious level. Everything I had been through in my past caused a lot turmoil in my soul. In that sense, the feeling that God loved me was more of a cognitive feeling than anything I felt intuitively in my heart. Wow, this feeling was deep man. It was deep like it had penetrated my very soul. I felt literally like a new creation. Actually it didn’t come from out of thin air. I felt it a bit the night before at that church. And I noticed it just in my desire to worship and to connect to people. I could feel my facial expressions moving a lot more fluidly as though I had been released of a pain. But this. All of a sudden I felt in my heart. I felt this: this world has the capacity to be so cripplingly cruel. So much pain and suffering fill its corners and evil and darkness seem to rule most of the time. In the midst of this, God saw what the evil one had done to His Creation and saw the fact that His people kept being led astray. It’s because of the evil and suffering in the world that God had such incredible compassion for the world, yet not being able to truly interact with the world that He sent His Son for us so that we could have a relationship with Him. So that we could have a relationship with light, even surrounded by much darkness. Praise the living and beautiful Father for loving this world so much. The time when I felt this was when I was contemplating death and the pit. Contemplating the fact that Satan’s biggest tool in shaming people into not trusting God is by leading them to believe that all of the bad things that are happening and have happened in this world are because of God. All of a sudden I realized that it is only in the knowledge that God’s love for us is so great, for Him to send His own cherished one that even in the midst of such overwhelming, overpowering darkness and fear and shame and anger and terror, we are able to overcome. We’re able to overcome knowing the overwhelming, overpowering love, faith and grace and joy that are all in the LOVE that God offered us. This revelation helped me to focus on the Gospel and in that, to see myself with a new light. I am starting to notice the love that surrounds me. And the reason I view myself with pride and love is because I know that I am loved. We have that certainty. With the knowledge that our Messiah of love, our Christ has already accomplished whatever obstacle you are facing. He has overcome death. We are not alone. With that hope, we have the confidence to not just live. We have the capacity to do amazing things in the name of love. That hope gives you confidence in that you will be triumphant no matter what happens. We may be surrounded with darkness, loneliness and shame. But we are certain and firm in the fact that God is on our side. I am speechless. Praise God!

Life and love

It’s been a busy couple of weeks. I've been trying to go to Mass daily over the past weeks. Somehow, I feel very strongly that I need to focus less on the material aspects of this life and get more in touch with my spiritual self. Before Mass, I always try to say the Rosary in the church. I try to read at least three chapters of the Word and make time to converse with God daily. Still, a part of me feels that in order for me to become more connected with my spiritual self, I need to be able to open up to the vulnerability of intimacy and love. Something I experienced a lot of stress surrounding over the course of my life because of the nature of what I have been through. Some reading may be familiar with my life’s story and testimony. I hope to be able to share this a bit more personally as I become more comfortable with this medium. I will only say that I suffered extended abuse throughout childhood and a traumatic brain injury as an adolescent that left me comatose for three months and paralyzed due to muscular atrophy for another at least six months. I am still sort of, relearning how to walk, seventeen years later. I had a flashback a while ago. I was thinking a bit today about all of the times that I have hurt myself because, having no other outlet with which to direct the feelings, I internalized the anger and fear I felt. Because it was what I was essentially taught, I had very little value for my life and for what I actually wanted in life. Thinking about this kind of made me weep because I realize the cause of these lies and why I felt the way I felt. There is a reason for everything we do. No one is perfect. We need to be able to recognize our ability to affect others in both positive and negative ways. And that life affects us. I guess this realization of the way I used to treat myself and in seeing the reason why I treated myself the way I did has created in me a drive to improve. I want to show myself the love that I know I deserve. The greatest commandment of Torah: To love with all the mind and heart, the Lord, our God. The second is like it. To love others as you love yourself. Thinking about this, it seems reasonable to assume that it is difficult to love others if you don’t love yourself. So, I suppose this is a reason I have decided to go to Mass on a more than once a week basis. I’ve started going to the gym two or three times a week. A couple of days ago, when I was there, a really cool guy who used to be a kick boxer came over when I was hitting the punching bag and showed me how to hit it in a bit more of a controlled manner. Before this, I would just unload all of my tension into the bag, swinging my arms. With his advice, I was able to spend in total about half an hour to an hour on the bag. Such a powerful way to release repressed anger and feelings that have been buried. I feel it’s necessary to express these negative feelings. We cannot simply repress them. Because when we do that, they affect upon us in less clear ways. It’s not a bad thing to feel and to hurt. I am not ashamed to feel my feelings because they’re a reaction of what I have been through. It has allowed me to see myself with love and to start to treat others with love and respect. It has allowed me to think before I speak or do things. We’re all troubled with impulses. It has allowed me to rejoice in my sufferings and what I have been through. It has allowed me to praise who I am today. It has allowed me to find happiness and joy in myself. But the scars still exist. God is the God of the living and not of the dead. I heard an homily a couple of weeks ago at a cathedral in Toronto that reflected over this truth. The priest offered that Abraham, Isaac and Jacob are still alive in God even though they cease living. This is because Jesus is the life and the resurrection. Jesus is the life giver. Jesus proved this in His ministry on earth by raising Lazarus and healing people’s illnesses. He proved God’s love for us in that while He was permitted to be among us, He did the work of God by healing that, which was broken and hurting. More than that, God was prepared to sacrifice His Son because He was in love with us so that we could be reconciled to Him. He proved this after His ministry on earth through the Apostles and disciples through whom He bestowed His Holy Spirit. Peter and Paul even raised people from the dead. Through these followers of the Way, many more were healed and the works of God were continued. I believe in the resurrection for us, in these times, as well. That while we have Christ in us, we are new beings. Reflecting over the fact that I used to hurt myself makes me sad because I am beginning to see what Christ saw in me. I am beginning to see at what cost He purchased my soul. I am beginning to see that I am worthy, absolutely because my God loves me. I spent the weekend in Niagara Falls. I spent it with a good friend from Edmonton. Being there encouraged my understanding that there is more to the world than that which simply existed in my own home, growing up. Even though there was a lot hindering my moving forward, I am feeling loved and happy now, on returning. And I believe that I deserve to be happy. I want to always remember God’s great promises. While we wait on the Lord, our strength will be renewed. "Blessed is the one who perseveres under trial, because when they have stood the test, he will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love him” (James 1:12). Even in suffering and unpleasant seasons, we are not alone. “I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us” (Romans 8:18). Brothers and sisters, you are very loved and when we wait for God, it is so worth it. Because God has planned for us sights no one on Earth has ever seen. God has planned for us sounds no ear has ever heard, and smells, no nose has ever smelled. That is certainly to say the least. Keep faith in your secured futures. Changes are coming. Everyone has been through so much. Regardless of your religion, race or history, we all hurt in the same way. Though our reactions differ and greatly do they differ, we were all children at one point, longing for our mothers to hold us and comfort us. We need to empathize with our brother. Don’t forget the awe and beauty of this world. I see people standing next to gulls and walking through flocks of pigeons like nothing is happening. If you remove the common place occurrence that this is, and mind you, the peskiness of these animals and just step back and view these scenes for the magic they actually are, you’d be surprised. This applies to everything. Just think of the joy and majesty of creation that went into their forming. Think back, remember, as a child, viewing the world for the first time. There is so much more to life than what we believe. This entire world is a testimony to the awesome love and power and glory of God Almighty. Everything we have done as a world is magnificent. I remember during the time I spent on Grimsey Island in Iceland, I was reflecting a lot. I was taking a lot in visually. In spite of the incredible beauty of the island and the genuine warmth of the people there, there was not much to see. The thought was welcomed in my mind that life can flourish anywhere. All it takes is more than one person. The warmth and love I was shown in my time on this quaint and unique little island, with a population of no more than 100 in the summer, kindled something genuine and irreplaceable for me. I just remember walking through the little streets, observing the trampolines for the children, the tiny church in the middle of the island, the little community restaurant where after a certain time, the locals would show up and start conversing and drinking. Having fun, like people should be allowed to. I remember walking through the schoolyard, reflecting on how many children had grown through it, down by the harbor, a hopscotch design painted into the pavement, a lone lighthouse on the far end of the island. I just think sometimes that it’s remarkably beautiful that we can do this for ourselves. I think it’s amazing the communities we can develop and foster and nourish through the love we have for each other. Love builds up. Only love builds up. Anyways, I wasn’t sleeping much on that trip and I tend to think like that when I don’t sleep. Everyone deserves love and life. Be yourself. The human life is not dispensable. Keep things in perspective. Jesus gives me hope in that I have sinned but He has called me to return to Him and His love. He knows why we sin. And that gives me hope. We all just need to understand to have empathy. Don’t forget the way your hearts have been touched deeply in your lives. And seek out these experiences. Remember, we are all human beings. We all suffer greatly. This can be a matter which unites us greatly as a community. It doesn’t have to tear us apart. I think it’s important to remember, all the time that after the trial, however big it is, things will get better if we keep faith. We just have to overcome and fight it straight on. Keeping faith in the Christ the whole time. “A woman giving birth to a child has pain because her time has come; but when her baby is born she forgets the anguish because of her joy that a child is born into the world” (John 16:21). So, I’m trying something new. Last entry I posted here, I mentioned a list of gratitude that I have been keeping since I began my trauma recovery at the beginning of 2015. I’ve scarcely missed a day in keeping an entry. And indeed has it helped my overall outlook and thought process. But now, I intend to be grateful and to be vocal about that gratitude. As it says in Psalm 100:4-5, “Enter his gates with thanksgiving and his courts with praise; give thanks to him and praise his name. For the Lord is good and his love endures forever; his faithfulness continues through all generations.” Because in vocalizing your thoughts, they have the potential to become reality. Today, the thing I’m most grateful for is the vitality of the human soul, mine in particular that it has the ability to change at any point in life and to see the beauty around me. Anyone can live in the past, caught up in past sin, but it takes something stronger for a soul to overcome and strive for better. I’m also grateful for others’ abilities to change their perspectives almost so freely and willingly when one has chosen and taken the step towards repentance. Praise God for the human spirit! I am thankful for the grace and love of God and for the fact that He has offered me this life. I am amazed and humbled in the presence of the graces He has generously and abundantly showered upon me. I am very grateful to Him for each breath that I take. There is so much beauty, so much light and so much love in this world. Let’s begin to choose to see that. Today, I am grateful that even though a part of me has died, with all of the trauma I have been forced to endure, I’m very much alive. And I know, now that I love myself and deserve good things. Jesus has given me new life. Life seriously deserves a high five.

I've been writing a journal and keeping a list of gratitude for nearly a year and a half. Ever since I started on my own recovery journey from the many trauma I have experienced in my life (at least, with other people), I've kept the journal. I find it is so helpful to keep a positive attitude, even when you are going through a stormy season. A Bible verse that has always given me encouragement in the face of suffering and the struggles I have faced is from the Gospel of John. I would like to share this verse with you: "As he passed by, he saw a man blind from birth. And his disciples asked him, “Rabbi, who sinned, this man or his parents, that he was born blind?” Jesus answered, “It was not that this man sinned, or his parents, but that the works of God might be displayed in him." (John 9:1-3). This verse is so powerful for me because it reminds us that no matter what happens, no matter how bad things become, it is for the glory of the One who made us. We have the opportunity to show our light through incredible darkness! An homily that has stuck with me comes to mind: a while ago the priest at my church was speaking about the Apostle Paul and his gratitude through everything. While he was in prison and even being led to death, his heart was in a place of thanksgiving and gratefulness to God for what He had done for us. Some things may never be the same. Life may change in ways that we never expected. But God promises to never leave or forsake those who love Him. Anyways, I wanted to start this blog online. My old roommate encouraged me to start a blog, believing that my writing would help to inspire others. I'm not sure if others will even read this. It's a stretch as I was never big in technology. I still play video games from the early 90's! But it's a good venue for the God-given voice I have been given. As I'm learning to develop that voice in both standing up for the life I believe (now) that I've a right to, I'm finding myself speaking my mind more. The blog is a bit more interactive and I hope to be able to encourage others through this. Today, I am grateful for a loving Father who just wants me to know He loves me.