A Short Story from Fables of Good Will:

There was a woman, in her thirties who received disability pension. She struggled with depression and PTSD. Her husband had been in the military and died in combat. Every month, she would ensure that she had the rent paid and her groceries paid for. She attended church every day but always refused help from them, saying ‘others need it more than me’. With the rest of her income, she would offer half of it to the church. The rest, 100$ or so, she would take to the bank and asked for it to be changed into loonies. ‘One hundred loonies?’ the bank teller would ask a little suspiciously. She would nod solemnly and then walk to the dollar store close to her home. She would walk around the dollar store for nearly an hour, pretending to inspect goods for purchase while she secretly, lay the dollars, one by one in places that wouldn’t be entirely visible but that would be hard to miss if close enough to them. When she had finished laying the final coin down behind a roll of toilet paper, she smiled and went to leave the store. The employees would, each month, eye her with a mildly more serious suspicion, as she would simply sit near the exit of the store and watch people as they, one by one came across her gifts. She would eye them with delight and joy and even greater joy as these same customers passed her as they left. Not knowing who was responsible, but only knowing they were slightly richer. With joy, at the end of the night, she would walk home, maker her supper and watch Mass on television. This was surely the part of her month that she looked forward to the most.

Rosary of Justice and Protection

Our Father

He has told you, O man, what is good; and what does the Lord require of you but to do justice, and to love kindness, and to walk humbly with your God? (Mic 6:8) Hail Mary

Learn to do good; seek justice, correct oppression; bring justice to the fatherless, plead the widow's cause. (Isa 1:17) Hail Mary

Religion that is pure and undefiled before God the Father is this: to visit orphans and widows in their affliction, and to keep oneself unstained from the world. (Js 1:27) Hail Mary

A righteous man knows the rights of the poor; a wicked man does not understand such knowledge. (Pv 29:7) Hail Mary

Whoever oppresses a poor man insults his Maker, but he who is generous to the needy honors him. (Pv 14:31) Hail Mary

But woe to you Pharisees! For you tithe mint and rue and every herb, and neglect justice and the love of God. These you ought to have done, without neglecting the others. (Lk 11:42) Hail Mary

Thus says the Lord: Do justice and righteousness, and deliver from the hand of the oppressor him who has been robbed. And do no wrong or violence to the resident alien, the fatherless, and the widow, nor shed innocent blood in this place. (Jer 22:3) Hail Mary

I know that the Lord will maintain the cause of the afflicted, and will execute justice for the needy. (Ps 140:12) Hail Mary

He executes justice for the fatherless and the widow, and loves the sojourner, giving him food and clothing. (Deut 10:18) Hail Mary

Beloved, never avenge yourselves, but leave it to the wrath of God, for it is written, “Vengeance is mine, I will repay, says the Lord.” (Rm 12:19) Hail Mary

Glory be

Our Father

For I the Lord love justice; I hate robbery and wrong; I will faithfully give them their recompense, and I will make an everlasting covenant with them. (Isa 61:8) Hail Mary

Vengeance is mine, and recompense, for the time when their foot shall slip; for the day of their calamity is at hand, and their doom comes swiftly.’ (Deut 32:35) Hail Mary

“‘Cursed be anyone who perverts the justice due to the sojourner, the fatherless, and the widow.’ And all the people shall say, ‘Amen.’ (Deut 27:19) Hail Mary

If among you, one of your brothers should become poor, in any of your towns within your land that the Lord your God is giving you, you shall not harden your heart or shut your hand against your poor brother, but you shall open your hand to him and lend him sufficient for his need, whatever it may be. (Deut 15:7) Hail Mary

You shall do no injustice in court. You shall not be partial to the poor or defer to the great, but in righteousness shall you judge your neighbor. (Lev 19:15) Hail Mary

But if anyone has the world's goods and sees his brother in need, yet closes his heart against him, how does God's love abide in him? (1 Jn 3:17) Hail Mary

Listen, my beloved brothers, has not God chosen those who are poor in the world to be rich in faith and heirs of the kingdom, which he has promised to those who love him? (Js 2:5) Hail Mary

“The Spirit of the Lord is upon me, because he has anointed me to proclaim good news to the poor. He has sent me to proclaim liberty to the captives and recovering of sight to the blind, to set at liberty those who are oppressed, to proclaim the year of the Lord's favor.” (Lk 4:18,19) Hail Mary

But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you. (Mt 6:33) Hail Mary

No one can serve two masters, for either he will hate the one and love the other, or he will be devoted to the one and despise the other. You cannot serve God and money. (Mt 6:24) Hail Mary

Glory be

Our Father

Then I will draw near to you for judgment. I will be a swift witness against the sorcerers, against the adulterers, against those who swear falsely, against those who oppress the hired worker in his wages, the widow and the fatherless, against those who thrust aside the sojourner, and do not fear me, says the Lord of hosts. (Mal 3:5) Hail Mary

“Thus says the Lord of hosts, Render true judgments, show kindness and mercy to one another, do not oppress the widow, the fatherless, the sojourner, or the poor, and let none of you devise evil against another in your heart.” (Zec 7:9,10) Hail Mary

But let justice roll down like waters, and righteousness like an ever-flowing stream. (Amos 5:24) Hail Mary

Therefore I have poured out my indignation upon them. I have consumed them with the fire of my wrath. I have returned their way upon their heads, declares the Lord God. (Eze 22:31) Hail Mary

He judged the cause of the poor and needy; then it was well. Is not this to know me? Declares the Lord. (Jer 22:16) Hail Mary

Then you shall call, and the Lord will answer; you shall cry, and he will say, ‘Here I am.’ If you take away the yoke from your midst, the pointing of the finger, and speaking wickedness, if you pour yourself out for the hungry and satisfy the desire of the afflicted, then shall your light rise in the darkness and your gloom be as the noonday. (Isa 58:9,10) Hail Mary

Therefore the Lord waits to be gracious to you, and therefore he exalts himself to show mercy to you. For the Lord is a God of justice; blessed are all those who wait for him. (Isa 30:18) Hail Mary

Father of the fatherless and protector of widows is God in his holy habitation. (Ps 68:5) Hail Mary

And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, “Behold, the dwelling place of God is with man. He will dwell with them, and they will be his people, and God himself will be with them as their God. (Rev 21:3) Hail Mary

Come now, you rich, weep and howl for the miseries that are coming upon you. Your riches have rotted and your garments are moth-eaten. Your gold and silver have corroded, and their corrosion will be evidence against you and will eat your flesh like fire. You have laid up treasure in the last days. Behold, the wages of the laborers who mowed your fields, which you kept back by fraud, are crying out against you, and the cries of the harvesters have reached the ears of the Lord of hosts. You have lived on the earth in luxury and in self-indulgence. You have fattened your hearts in a day of slaughter. You have condemned and murdered the righteous person. He does not resist you. (Js 5:1-6) Hail Mary

Glory be

Our Father

Put on the whole armor of God, that you may be able to stand against the schemes of the devil. (Ep 6:11) Hail Mary

You are a hiding place for me; you preserve me from trouble; you surround me with shouts of deliverance. Selah (Ps 32:7) Hail Mary

God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble. (Ps 46:1) Hail Mary

So we can confidently say, “The Lord is my helper; I will not fear; what can man do to me?” (Heb 13:6) Hail Mary

No weapon that is fashioned against you shall succeed, and you shall refute every tongue that rises against you in judgment. This is the heritage of the servants of the Lord and their vindication from me, declares the Lord. (Isa 54:17) Hail Mary

You have given me the shield of your salvation, and your right hand supported me, and your gentleness made me great. You gave a wide place for my steps under me, and my feet did not slip. (Ps 18:35,36) Hail Mary

Preserve me, O God, for in you I take refuge. (Ps 16:1) Hail Mary

The Lord will fight for you, and you have only to be silent. (Ex 14:14) Hail Mary

I can do all things through him who strengthens me. (Pl 4:13) Hail Mary

“When the Son of Man comes in his glory, and all the angels with him, then he will sit on his glorious throne. Before him will be gathered all the nations, and he will separate people one from another as a shepherd separates the sheep from the goats. And he will place the sheep on his right, but the goats on the left. Then the King will say to those on his right, ‘Come, you who are blessed by my Father, inherit the kingdom prepared for you from the foundation of the world. For I was hungry and you gave me food, I was thirsty and you gave me drink, I was a stranger and you welcomed me, I was naked and you clothed me, I was sick and you visited me, I was in prison and you came to me.’ Then the righteous will answer him, saying, ‘Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you drink? And when did we see you a stranger and welcome you, or naked and clothe you? And when did we see you sick or in prison and visit you?’ And the King will answer them, ‘Truly, I say to you, as you did it to one of the least of these my brothers, you did it to me.’ - “Then he will say to those on his left, ‘Depart from me, you cursed, into the eternal fire prepared for the devil and his angels. For I was hungry and you gave me no food, I was thirsty and you gave me no drink, I was a stranger and you did not welcome me, naked and you did not clothe me, sick and in prison and you did not visit me.’ Then they also will answer, saying, ‘Lord, when did we see you hungry or thirsty or a stranger or naked or sick or in prison, and did not minister to you?’ Then he will answer them, saying, ‘Truly, I say to you, as you did not do it to one of the least of these, you did not do it to me.’ And these will go away into eternal punishment, but the righteous into eternal life.” (Mt 25:31-46) Hail Mary

Glory be

Our Father

Keep your heart with all vigilance, for from it flow the springs of life. (Pv 4:23) Hail Mary

I have set the Lord always before me; because he is at my right hand, I shall not be shaken. (Ps 16:8) Hail Mary

But you, O Lord, are a shield about me, my glory, and the lifter of my head. (Ps 3:3) Hail Mary

The name of the Lord is a strong tower; the righteous man runs into it and is safe. (Pv 18:10) Hail Mary

For who is God, but the Lord? And who is a rock, except our God? (2 Sm 22:32) Hail Mary

The Lord will rescue me from every evil deed and bring me safely into his heavenly kingdom. To him be the glory forever and ever. Amen. (2 Tim 4:18) Hail Mary

The Lord is good, a stronghold in the day of trouble; he knows those who take refuge in him. (Nah 1:7) Hail Mary

Do you think that I cannot appeal to my Father, and he will at once send me more than twelve legions of angels? (Mt 26:53) Hail Mary

For the Lord gives wisdom; from his mouth come knowledge and understanding; he stores up sound wisdom for the upright; he is a shield to those who walk in integrity, guarding the paths of justice and watching over the way of his saints. (Pv 2:8) Hail Mary

They shall hunger no more, neither thirst anymore; the sun shall not strike them, nor any scorching heat. For the Lamb in the midst of the throne will be their shepherd, and he will guide them to springs of living water, and God will wipe away every tear from their eyes. (Rev 7:16,17) Hail Mary

Glory be

My story

I mentioned a while ago here that when I felt comfortable enough I would tell my story. Here it is: For a lot of my life, I was abused pretty badly. The abuse started as early as I am able to remember. It went on for many years after. It took the form of emotional, physical and violent sexual abuse. Growing up, I was left very much alone to deal with the emotions and shame caused by the abusive behavior of a few people. As an adolescent, I was assaulted in a park across from my family home in Ontario. My skull was shattered by a kick to the head and a piece of the broken bone caused a bleed in my brain. I died two or three times (or so I’m told), spent two weeks on life-support, three months comatose and an additional year in a wheelchair. In spite of the seriousness of this injury, it did not affect me in as serious a way as the abuse affected me. Because it occurred once and was over – because it was physical only – because it wasn’t a betrayal of trust and of love, it wouldn’t have the same effect as the abuse. The abuse, on the other hand, extended for years and incorporated many different forms of abusive behavior. There was a Canadian television movie made about this situation. It was a good movie, a really good movie. In that it got the conversation started about bullying. But it was about me I guess and in that regard, left out a couple of crucial details. Shortly after the injury that happened to me, I was diagnosed as having the symptoms of complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. At this time, the realizations about the abuse I had experienced I had repressed. Though I was always conscious of these experiences to some degree, my mind had done its best to protect me from these realizations that would have been too devastating to realize at the time. And I am grateful to my mind for that. When our foundations and groundings as human beings are shaky, when our developments have been interrupted, we will not have effective footing from which to draw the resources we need to confront everything that comes our way. I’ve come a long way since that injury and have traveled even further in seeking healing for the abuse and many childhood traumas in my past. I’ve literally learned to do everything again. At an age when most kids are busy figuring out what they are going to do for the rest of their lives, establishing a foundation, so to speak, learning to love and to have fun, I spent relearning how to swallow my own saliva, to walk and to use the fine muscles in my body again. Because of the muscular atrophy that occurred, I spent several months following my waking from the coma paralyzed. My hands atrophied into clenched balls because they weren’t used. My calves became so tight that my feet pointed straight down from my ankles. This was in spite of the fact that I had continual splint therapy. The doctors said, and who could blame them that I would never walk again. Really, it’s a miracle that I am able to walk, I essentially taught myself. The physiotherapists were all great and they did what they were able at the times I was with them. I had so much difficulty with the high walker, the walker and the cane that eventually I just threw them away. I ended up going back to high school. I had a very difficult time navigating the school because of my limitations physically. But when I returned, I didn’t want to use any aids. And I am proud of myself for that. I feel I am still relearning to walk, a decade and a half after that injury. During the time I spent paralyzed, I remember focussing so hard on trying to move my muscles. I must have spent a week trying and focussing continually on my pinky finger, trying to get it to move, when it finally moved a bit. I was so happy and continued like this. At the time, I would rejoice with every new accomplishment. It was as though the times of darkness, so to speak, the time when I spent paralyzed, the waiting and the eventual triumphs, small as they were, made these accomplishments all the more sweet-dog. But eventually, the weight of everything I had been through emotionally returned. There was a long period of time, during which I struggled an awful lot. I smoked over three packs of cigarettes a day and struggled with other addictions. During this time, I continued to go to school and to do what I could. I wrote a lot and painted a lot. And I am able to look back with respect upon myself for finding the strength to continue through so many obstacles. But the fact that I was struggling a lot was evident if only through my appearance, through the way I presented myself. I've been through quite a bit. I’ve been subject to many different trauma. Because of the stuff I have lived through, I’ve looked to many avenues to find peace and hope. I’ve looked for answers, with the hope that my mind would find love. I've experimented with different spiritualties. During the time I spent in university, I read through the primary texts of most major world religions. After reading the Bible, I felt such a powerful connection and resonance. In college, I was having a terrible time emotionally. This led to my drastic decline in physical well-being. For me, I was literally at the end of my ropes when I called out to Jesus and accepted Him as Lord. I was baptized some time after. My relationship with Christ has always been one of dependence and healing. In the trials I have experienced, my search for meaning was endless. With Christ, I have found that meaning and He gives me hope in the future and faith to fight through and recognize that what I've been through is not the end. There is so much more waiting for us. He shows me so much more. Over the past several years especially, I have been doing a lot to better myself. And have addressed a lot of the shame I feel. In a past post, I spoke about some things I have been doing to challenge my fears. I quit smoking three packs a day cold turkey, with the help of our Lord Jesus Christ. Actually, I quit all of my addictions. Except for going to the gym. I graduated from college and university with a degree in English Literature. Following this, I have written several books. I bought a car in 2012 and drove out to Edmonton from Toronto by myself. In 2013, I drove down to Florida by myself. I have been healing from the wounds of my childhood for three years. But really, this post is not about my accomplishments. If I have anything to boast about, it is surely in the Christ who has given hope where no hope existed simply because of what I had been through. It is through Him that I have a chance. I can only boast in the love and faith I have held on to through the sufferings I have endured for the sake of the cross of Jesus. This is the sole reason for my life today. This is the reason my life has value today. This is the reason I continue to fight and to be grateful. It’s not about me. Rather, it is all about Him. Man was created in the image of God, in order that we may live our lives for the glory of God, the Creator. Following the Creation, man was tempted away from God and sinned resulting in the curse of death. Because of this original sin, all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God. Then, in His mercy, God sent for mankind a Savior, His Son as a sacrificial offering that man would be redeemed to God. Therefore, whoever believes in the Son of God, Jesus and has faith in His death and resurrection, will not experience death. The Gospel is the good news of the kingdom of God and the fulfillment of the Mosaic Law and the Prophets with the replacement of a new law: the law of Love. The grace of God is a gift. Though it’s important and should be something we strive towards, what truly matters is not our righteousness. But the righteousness of Christ. But we still need to heal from the wounds of our past. The beautiful Holy Spirit, He is a helper who will lead us on a holy and righteous path to healing and repentance. I have an unshakable faith now that I did not have at one time. Knowing that the helper is a seal on my heart, even under the worst of situations and will not leave me, unless it is the will of God, is an enormous comfort for me. The unbreakable hope that I have in my heart, in many ways has restored my soul even when my body fails. Christ gives us the hope and love and courage and faith to approach healing well and with strength. In order to grieve what I had lost, in order to process every emotion and thought that I had repressed, in order to confront the fear and the shame, I had to explore a lot of the stuff I had hidden in my mind. Speaking about what I am feeling is always a good release. I think the outlet for shame, as crying is for sorrow, as yelling or lashing out in a healthy way is for anger, is having an environment where you are able to verbally express yourself uninhibited. After some time of healing on my own, through individual counselors and journaling, I was referred to a wonderful resource for survivors healing from childhood sexual abuse in my hometown of Toronto, Ontario. I’ll never forget the first time I stepped into the Gatehouse healing support group for survivors of childhood sexual abuse. I will never forget the warm and compassionate approach with which they address healing. The first night, entering into a room that was filled with sorrow, anger, fear and shame. The last night we spent together, entering the same room filled with courage, hope and support. The comradery that I fostered with other men who were going through exactly what I was going through was unlike any other relationships I had. I will never forget the feeling of being accepted and understood, unconditionally, for the first time in possibly my life. This was such a valuable resource for me in my own recovery journey and I would recommend it to anyone who is walking a similar path at the moment. My path here has taught me that we need to try to be tolerant and understanding of the mistakes of others. We can’t see their life’s history. That’s true. But we can empathize. Knowing that life, especially in these days, is not easy for anyone. It’s certainly taught me to empathize with myself and others to a greater degree. I have never really felt worthy enough or had enough of an identity to feel confident that I know what I want. What I wanted was always second to the wants and needs of others. I was shown quickly that what I wanted didn’t matter. So, I’ve grown not feeling worthy to want what I want. I think I really need to stop looking at all of the bad things I am doing. I need to stop making up bad situations that were not even there in the first place. I need to stop feeling badly about who I am. I need to stop seeing everything that is bad and negative about me. I need to recognize that I am a child of God. And that that is paramount to any despair, any trauma and any failure I could have. God fills the gap. I want this. I want to live and love. I don’t know how to. I am learning. And I am fighting so darned hard for the life that I know I deserve. I don’t need love as a reward for something I’ve done or said. I don’t even need reciprocal love. What I need, what I crave and deserve is unconditional love. There is only one place from which to get that. For most of my life I had difficulty between putting needs of others before my own and standing up for the rights I know that I as a human being have. In circumstances, I had difficulty understanding this because my rights to myself were trampled for so long. Loving does not mean rolling over and being submissive. As people of the Way, we need to be assertive. But we need to be able to recognize and appreciate the fact that positive change is rarely implemented through force. We need to remember the fact that love, forgiveness and persistence have the capacity to move mountains. The shame and fear that I felt, a result and a symptom of abuse, kept me back from doing a lot in life. I have had a really traumatic life and because the traumas occurred so early in my life, I never developed the tools to function to the extent of what I was capable of, to the extent of my faith, in society. Because of that as well as intense trauma and trauma reactions, sometimes I have quite a bit of difficulty. But there is no way I could ever be perfect and I praise God that He understands and empathizes with me for that reason. God has done so much in my life around everything I've been through since I accepted the Spirit. I don't want to explain fully what I have been through here. In the face of a lot of suffering, He has offered me a great deal of hope. He has given me the hope to actually do things with my life, where once was only despair. He's given me the ability to create, whether that's writing or painting. And He has placed me on a path to healing, both physically and emotionally and the desire to live righteously. If I think now, I am probably unable to count the amount of full out addictions and self-destructive patterns that His grace has saved me from. He has helped me to heal and transform negative thoughts about myself that resulted from unfair situations, into positive. He has given me the uncanny ability to forgive the heinous case of abuse against me. That certainly does not excuse the behavior. Most of all, as we are all sinners, He has offered me forgiveness for my own sins. I have faith in my God who I know will forgive. I am learning to rejoice in these things that have happened to me. Even though I have not had the best past, I have a choice about the direction of my future, especially in the knowledge about why my past was stumbled at times. And I have a choice to be happy in my life. It’s so easy to get caught up in the business of life, the urgency of our daily deeds that it becomes dreadfully simple to forget about all that we have done as human beings, the journeys we are all on, the goals we have set as individuals. We need to take time to appreciate the beauties of life and the intricacies of God’s Creation. After all, He created this world for us. He created this planet for us. Life really is short. It’s literally a flash, an instant in time. We need to get out and make what we want out of our lives. We need to stop wasting our time with things that do not matter, in the grand scheme of things. We need to reveal our true, authentic selves. Our inner children. We need to pack up all of the masques and coping mechanisms that cover up our true natures, our true visions and our true goals and hopes for this life. In a time in our history when we are surrounded by distractions, bombarded by constant emotional and mental interference, it’s easy to become caught up by the world. Do not forget where your true home is. Where you belong. And how to get there. We need to sit with our feelings and not be constantly busy. God loves all of you so much. We need to reach out to Him and accept His love. This is much easier than it sounds. People need and deserve to feel loved. And the only true and natural source for that love that embraces all and endures all, wanting only happiness, love and glory for those who choose to accept it, is the Christ. He is the only source for the unconditional love we need as creatures of God. Just don’t give up on love. It’s absolutely a worthy fight. All I can do is continue to be grateful and faithful. Fear, wishing I was dead, anger and resentment. I am sick of that trash. I’m done with that rubbish. I’m tired of hurting myself because of stuff that wasn’t my fault in the first place. I’m tired of being angry and ashamed of who I am as a living and breathing human being. I need to continue to have compassion on myself. I’m going to love myself with the love that I deserve. Because I deserve to love myself for who I am. And I like to think I am on my way towards discovering who my authentic self is. I like to think that I am moving, even if it is slowly, towards loving myself as the child that I can feel I once was. I am learning to treat him, that beautiful little boy with love and respect. I am learning ways to treat him with love. There are so many things I feel I am doing for him. I am adapting an attitude of compassion toward him and not hurting him and being rough with him out of my repressed anger. After everything about who I was as a human being was shattered numerous times, I feel I am on a positive course. I know how difficult it is to walk around in a world that is cold, seemingly indifferent to our pain. I know what it’s like to not want to live anymore because it seems like there is no love in the world and so many terrible things going on by the second. I want you to know that there is love. All the love the world ever needed. It is found in what God Almighty, the Maker of Heaven and of earth, did for you. He ransomed you from death by dying for you on a cross of wood. That love, His love, once you feel it, triumphs over the suffering and the indifference. In that love, there is healing, peace, joy and hope. True healing cannot begin until you see your value. We have to have love for ourselves. If we do not learn to love ourselves as creatures of God, especially if we are given the opportunity to live into adulthood, how can we love our souls? We need to value what we are trying to save. This is where Christ comes in. We need to believe that we are worth saving. We need to believe that things can change. Under the masques and the walls and the shame and despair and fear and anger, the person that God created you to be is waiting to come out. Christ offers us that love. Knowing and believing in the truth of the resurrection of Jesus Christ. He is above me. He has authority over my life. He will lead me perfectly home. I trust that. And I trust Him.

Grateful

My gosh, today I am just so incredibly grateful for everything in God’s glorious Creation. Everything seems to have a brilliant glow. But I will get to that. Right now, I am in my room, writing, birds are flying around outside my window. I put bird seed there last night. I am remembering a time when I had probably the most important and incredible epiphany that I had at the beautiful church I used to go to in Markham. It happened like something just clicked into place. I am almost certain that it had much to do with my small group and with a confession I made to them. Because all of the sudden and it happened out of thin air, I felt in my heart the awesome, beautiful and soul-filling love of God. Prior to sharing with my small group what I shared with them, I knew that God loved me. But it was very much on a conscious level. Everything I had been through in my past caused a lot turmoil in my soul. In that sense, the feeling that God loved me was more of a cognitive feeling than anything I felt intuitively in my heart. Wow, this feeling was deep man. It was deep like it had penetrated my very soul. I felt literally like a new creation. Actually it didn’t come from out of thin air. I felt it a bit the night before at that church. And I noticed it just in my desire to worship and to connect to people. I could feel my facial expressions moving a lot more fluidly as though I had been released of a pain. But this. All of a sudden I felt in my heart. I felt this: this world has the capacity to be so cripplingly cruel. So much pain and suffering fill its corners and evil and darkness seem to rule most of the time. In the midst of this, God saw what the evil one had done to His Creation and saw the fact that His people kept being led astray. It’s because of the evil and suffering in the world that God had such incredible compassion for the world, yet not being able to truly interact with the world that He sent His Son for us so that we could have a relationship with Him. So that we could have a relationship with light, even surrounded by much darkness. Praise the living and beautiful Father for loving this world so much. The time when I felt this was when I was contemplating death and the pit. Contemplating the fact that Satan’s biggest tool in shaming people into not trusting God is by leading them to believe that all of the bad things that are happening and have happened in this world are because of God. All of a sudden I realized that it is only in the knowledge that God’s love for us is so great, for Him to send His own cherished one that even in the midst of such overwhelming, overpowering darkness and fear and shame and anger and terror, we are able to overcome. We’re able to overcome knowing the overwhelming, overpowering love, faith and grace and joy that are all in the LOVE that God offered us. This revelation helped me to focus on the Gospel and in that, to see myself with a new light. I am starting to notice the love that surrounds me. And the reason I view myself with pride and love is because I know that I am loved. We have that certainty. With the knowledge that our Messiah of love, our Christ has already accomplished whatever obstacle you are facing. He has overcome death. We are not alone. With that hope, we have the confidence to not just live. We have the capacity to do amazing things in the name of love. That hope gives you confidence in that you will be triumphant no matter what happens. We may be surrounded with darkness, loneliness and shame. But we are certain and firm in the fact that God is on our side. I am speechless. Praise God!

I've been writing a journal and keeping a list of gratitude for nearly a year and a half. Ever since I started on my own recovery journey from the many trauma I have experienced in my life (at least, with other people), I've kept the journal. I find it is so helpful to keep a positive attitude, even when you are going through a stormy season. A Bible verse that has always given me encouragement in the face of suffering and the struggles I have faced is from the Gospel of John. I would like to share this verse with you: "As he passed by, he saw a man blind from birth. And his disciples asked him, “Rabbi, who sinned, this man or his parents, that he was born blind?” Jesus answered, “It was not that this man sinned, or his parents, but that the works of God might be displayed in him." (John 9:1-3). This verse is so powerful for me because it reminds us that no matter what happens, no matter how bad things become, it is for the glory of the One who made us. We have the opportunity to show our light through incredible darkness! An homily that has stuck with me comes to mind: a while ago the priest at my church was speaking about the Apostle Paul and his gratitude through everything. While he was in prison and even being led to death, his heart was in a place of thanksgiving and gratefulness to God for what He had done for us. Some things may never be the same. Life may change in ways that we never expected. But God promises to never leave or forsake those who love Him. Anyways, I wanted to start this blog online. My old roommate encouraged me to start a blog, believing that my writing would help to inspire others. I'm not sure if others will even read this. It's a stretch as I was never big in technology. I still play video games from the early 90's! But it's a good venue for the God-given voice I have been given. As I'm learning to develop that voice in both standing up for the life I believe (now) that I've a right to, I'm finding myself speaking my mind more. The blog is a bit more interactive and I hope to be able to encourage others through this. Today, I am grateful for a loving Father who just wants me to know He loves me.