It's not really just that truth has been censored in my case. It's that until my truth comes out, people will continue forgetting my story until the fulfillment of my mission. What is the source of this darkness? Why? Even friends have acknowledged that the fact that people cannot remember my story is demonic. There are a number of reasons. They all tie back to who I am in God, in what happened to me. Every Christian is on the evil one's target. I am target number one. From the day I was born, Satan has been using my abusers and a lot of other people in order to try to destroy my soul. Another reason, is because of what is happening in the world.
I wrote this following paragraph over a decade ago. I post it here as illustration of the fact that people's minds and hearts may be differently affected by me than by others. "The reason I feel as though people are forgetting [my story] is because a couple of months ago, I remember there was this period of time during which almost everybody I was passing in the street was giving me this ominously angry look. They weren’t necessarily being rude to me. Though it was blatant that people were upset at me. Homilies at my church for days around then revolved around false sheep and how you can discern people by their fruit. Until one day, I heard a homily like this and reposted [in my unconsentedly broadcasting computer] a message from my book that people are affected by life, their metaphorical cups can be filled with whatever we put into a human, particularly traumas. I said for this reason, we need to process our traumas and wounds and replace the void with the love and truth of Gospel. . . After I posted that, people started to look at me with shock. They started smiling at me. [It happens all of the time.] I don’t know if this is the case that people are in actuality forgetting. To be honest with you, it could have been anything that was inspiring these reactions. Maybe it was just a one time thing where something I had done as a kid prompted people to turn their attentions towards me and my exploits as opposed to what had caused me to react. It’s not the only time these drastic shifts in attitude happen – almost unanimous upset into immediate docility. It feels literally like I am having to remind people at least weekly of a part of my message, my story. Like I said, I’m still. . . [burdened with the trauma]. . . of what I went through as a kid. I’m trying to make the best of this situation and to encourage. In any case, none of this is your fault. I have recognized the fact that I am a sinner and confessed a lot. Enough certainly to not be living in darkness. Remember also the reason I went to confession in the past over these matters. The repression of memories too traumatic and shameful to deal with is not exclusive to me. Give me time to remember. Please. I may be in darkness about a memory. But memory has shown time and again that I am not in denial. I acknowledge the capacity within myself. . . [when I was oppressed by these unprocessed emotions]. . . to act out. I have repented. I am in no position to judge the state of grace of my abusers. As far as I am aware, they are still in denial. That is why I went to the authorities regarding them. Darkness is denial. Not repression of memory due to shame and trauma. Darkness is evil. [Because, this is the place where abuse is reenacted. This is the place where abusers perpetuate their abuse. When we are in a place of denial. We need, all, recognize both our capacity to hurt and to be hurt.] I am not in darkness because I’m not enjoying my life. I’m not enjoying my life because of accumulation of stress, trauma and shame. Still, I am making it very clear: I am enjoying my life and I value my life immensely. A lot of evil people enjoy their lives in this world. But the catch is that they are never at peace. Peace is only found in God through His Christ."
All that to say that ever since people discovered my politics, people have been forgetting in increasing ways. Reshifting attention onto my sin and forgetting what happened to me. Before 2016, don't forget, my ministry was in healing the spiritual inner child, in the fact that trauma accumulates and in the fact that children need love. I preached the Gospel of God and His Messiah Jesus through my devices. People discovered my politics by spying on me. I assume that because of my politics, people have made fit to make me into a politician and slander me like a politician. I forgive you. But remember, what will save the world will always be God. Not politics.
Name of God, I understand that no one, even friends have an obligation to remember what I am claiming to have gone through. No one must remember me and the things I have been saying over and over, and over for the past ten years. It is very frightening and disheartening when people forget. I am not sizing people up when I look around. I am restless, which again is proof of what I am claiming, trauma accumulates. I am trying to assess people’s reactions to see if they are upset with me. In church, I am just restless and curious. I try to feign a smile when looking around. Name of God. It’s my own problem. Even at the religious community, I was talking to myself. Saying stuff like 'society, how is your memory?' And even criticizing Communism. As does Traditional Church teaching. God, corroborate my good character. Even a rapist can change. Do you believe this? That Jesus can touch the heart of a rapist? I believe He can. And He does. There is often more to the story than a simple act like that. Do you remember anything more? I will write again in my unconsentedly broadcasting computer later…
I think I have figured out the reason why you are forgetting so much about everything I have been through. It’s because the nature of what happened to me is still draped in secrecy. My abusers are making you think that they were excellent relating to me in the void created by the fact that truth hasn’t come. This is my responsibility, I suppose. Even though it is their deceit. People do not belong to other people. Children do not belong to parents. Perhaps unrelated. Children belong to God. Children are their own beings. Somehow, Church have we forgotten that children are people too? Look, I have told my story thousands of times now. I am a little breathless. Listen to this: the Bible, particularly the teachings of Paul are a high standard. They are the goal. The commandments, being written for the Israelites, it was expected and appreciated that everybody would have had the intention or desire to worship God. What do you do, what does God do with people [and in this unrelated case - parents] who have no business with God in their hearts? You keep forgetting that I was not baptized until 2007. My abusers sold me to Satan as a child. From the moment I came into this world, Satan has been trying to destroy me through my abusers. Here is a little more wisdom: suffering, particularly childhood suffering, which is not endured in love does not make you stronger. Yes, suffering in love, which Christ makes possible, gives you the grace to transform that suffering into something beautiful. But, suffering that builds resentment does not. You seem to be forgetting, Church, that there are more people in the world than those belonging to the Church. God has love for them all. I am not just a prophet to the Church but to the world. There is a reason there are so many emotional problems these days. There is a reason there are so many physical issues today. Is this all related? Not for me to say. I have always said that I am not claiming authority. I am just a humble and simple man, writing in his private computer. I am just wondering why you are having such a difficult time believing me. It would not affect that much for you to believe me. It would not change much. Is it still my politics? Regarding joy, again, friends, I am traumatized. The suffering of my childhood was not endured in Jesus. Is that my fault? I did not know Jesus until 2007, but still only a little bit. I did not understand Jesus until my Confirmation. I did not feel Jesus until 2019. To quote a pertinent movie, Donnie Darko: “There are more emotions than simply fear and love. You are forgetting about the whole spectrum of human emotion.” Trauma is real. Affects every single person in the world. Even if we are in Christ. Even the pope...
I’ve said in the past that going to the authorities was a terrible mistake. Though I still believe this. And it is criminal that what I did is coming to light before what my abusers did to form me. Remember, facts are in very few regards, truth. I lament what I might have to endure. But in the end of things, this will only serve to bring about so much light for everyone. It will serve to glorify God so much more. Their investigation will flop in my case against my abusers. Even though, I am sincerely wondering why they didn't contact me when they realized that part of what I was saying was, in fact, true. I’m hoping that by some miracle of light, truth will be revealed before this happens. Or that by some miracle, I will be able to trust and let go of my life before this happens. Still, I know that darkness has only increased. The reason why I was told I needed to disclose sooner. So that they could have a genuine chance at repentance. And that I could get the genuine, real support I needed to be a thriving and productive member of society. That I could be happy. And love. The evil one is shrewd. Darkness is strong. I’ve told you he is trying to ruin my life. That one is doing a good job at that. But he will not ruin my Life as well. Truth will not come out until the time is right. But it will illumine a lot. We will get a very big surprise.
Back then, when I started the investigation with the police, I had no idea I wouldn’t have been able to trust at that time. And so with each opportunity that I recognized, I prayed strongly for God’s will to be done in my life. Truth will come out when it comes out. Truth comes out either way. Think what you’d like. You will be glad. This is not something I am intentionally withholding. There have been nights when I believe that chances arise, where I have stayed up hours before sleeping in prayer. These nights, I often wake up either with my rope and Cross laying on the stand beside me or with pants on, bizarrely. It’s like I put up a fight. Every time I have trusted in the past, catastrophe was around the corner. Every time I trusted, I was hurt. It’s still happening. I’m older but I still have the tools of a young boy to deal with it. On my trip to Iceland, when I returned, that night I begged, weeping, begging God to take me. I don’t have the tools to navigate life like other people. I don’t have a light switch on my life. There’s no way you could know the fullness of what is going on here. We all have opinions. None of my message is in what I do or say. Truth about this will illuminate a lot. Following God, promises the victory, peace through storm and calm. God wants the very best for us.
When you find out what is really happening, this will make sense. Remember, this behavior perpetuates. And this sort of crime is more common than we think. I’m not saying this to scare you. When truth comes out, this will make sense in entirety. When we find out what is happening in the world, my writings will make sense. This crime is incredibly under-reported. Truth is about more than my story. This sexual interference is so much more common than we are willing and ready to admit. Almost ubiquitous. We just call it by a different name. Had anyone asked me prior to 2012 if my abusers had abused me, I would have defended them with my life. This is also the reason why what I endured in childhood is so obscured. What I endured in childhood I endured for the world, for reparation of this particular sin. Is this a hard teaching to accept? Will you abandon me now?
When we see how common this crime is. Too common, in fact, to be called a crime. I am thankful that everyone is a sinner but mostly that we have an escape from this lifestyle. I am thankful that everyone will be thinking clearly again very soon.
My childhood was riddled with abuse. It was not only sexual abuse. It was satanic, ritual abuse. We all start from different places. It's why I'm more than what I say. My nervous system was formed in fear. Satanic abuse sets you up in a way contrary to human development. It's about more than simply being courageous. Satanic programming is real. It sounds completely insane. Trust me. God will prove it’s real. The program I feel worst about is the program of shame I feel for things I want, for woman I want. They worked hard on this. Even my time at the religious community was programmed. I remember things said at the religious community, which my abuser was saying decades earlier. Impossible things. Impossible coincidences. It was not them. It was satan working through them. Abusers were programming me for the time I would spend there. First glance, I am sure this sounds ridiculous. Listen: These satanic doctors start in childhood. God controls the destiny of children. They want to mock even this. They get a child, traumatize him so much until they dissociate. In this place of dissociation, they can gain access subconsciously to his future. They can access his entire life. The child simply tells the doctors what they have planned. What God has planned. This is where these sick doctors work. They can program humans like video games. Through trauma, torture and suggestion. https://deprogramwiki.com.
"For the mystery of lawlessness (that hidden principle of rebellion against already constituted authority) is already at work in the world, but is restrained only until he who restrains it is taken out of the way" (2 Thessalonians 2:7). I have had my suspicion that this 'he' is me over the past couple of years. I will not try to prove it. I only submit to His providence. Should it be what He desires for me, let it be so. It's like John the Baptist. Truly, no man born has ever been greater. But the one who is least in the Kingdom of Heaven is greater than even he. Remember where my mission began. Again, it means nothing until God corroborates it. This life I've lived was not the life I was supposed to live. Since I was only an infant, he has been seeking my life. God has prevented him. I really believe that Jehovah has tended each one of my steps, lifting me up lest I trip over the course of my life. Not saying these verses are about me. It's about Jesus. It's been 100% true of me though. The stronger the spirit, the stronger the assaults of darkness. Particularly at times that threaten the darkness. The evil one doesn’t want my message to be heard. Why do you think you keep forgetting?
I am especially dear to God. Because of what I suffered for Him. It's because of what I suffered that I am holy. It also makes me very vulnerable. I believe that Jehovah feels some responsibility for what happens to me because of this. Evil one, darkness is trying to destroy me. Just like Christ, the darkness of world is coming against me. The only difference, I have not been protected in the same ways by God throughout.
Anyone who has been cryptically reading my blog, searching for truth rather than asceticism, will be able to discern my views on original sin. Namely, that it was not an apple or a fruit. Not of the food kind at least. My story was a precursor to what would come. Is it here yet? I am not going to comment. But, what happened to me would soon begin to happen in increasing frequency. With truth about what happened to me, a mass healing will begin. Another reason why truth will come out...
The reason it is unfair that my history is brought out before what happened to me comes out is because I am inculpable for how I reacted as a child. Also, why it is very cruel what you have planned. I am not immaculate. Never said so. I was with Holy Ghost before I was born. Early experiences broke it. If we looked at ourselves seriously, without pride, we would be quick to admit that every single one of us, if the truth of our lives completely were to be unraveled, would have a criminal record spanning several city blocks. As so it has already been declared in the Ten Commandments alone. Not one of us has perfectly navigated it. Except for the children. If you don't believe me, wait. You shall see!How I reacted, in every way, would not have happened had I not been abused. Or had truth been told earlier. How can I know this for certain? God's Spirit was upon me prior to my birth. These aren’t character traits. People are stumbled into sin. This behavior perpetuates. This sort of behavior is a lot more common than we think. When we find out how common it is, you will understand. I understand how this is difficult to see or acknowledge at the moment. One of these days, you will see that maybe I am not so bad after all. In that the ways I reacted were very small compared to what I endured. In saying that, I am not diminishing the significance of anybody’s hurt or what I did. God will corroborate my good character in how I have completely changed. I am a repentant, amended sinner. And I am forgiven.
It would be foolish to say that my past grievous sins were a mistake in my ministry. Most of them were commit prior to my baptism. What does a baptism mean? The reason for this is because, even though my mission began before I was born, I was deprived of healthy foundation and development. When I was able to heal, every defense mechanism I had developed I ceased. We know what this is all about. Politics. Envy. Look, I don’t know how to be quiet. You have broken into every single place I can write privately! Name of God! How can I be silent when you are in my brain?
There is an element of this situation you are not getting. It is pretty unfair for me that how I reacted to what was happening to me is coming out first. Regardless, when the truth comes out, we will see. We will feel differently about a lot of things. Do you remember what I am claiming to have been through? Have you forgotten about my writings so soon? Yes, there is no corroboration. To you, this is a phantom crime. To me, I live with the effects every day of having been abused by close abusers for over twenty years. The reason I keep saying we’ll see is because we might get a surprise as to the severity of the abuse in my case. It’s a psychological fact that some traumas will affect people more. Based on a number of variables. Relationship to abuser, duration of abuse, extent of abuse, whether the abuse was disclosed and not believed. There is a difference between a thousand rapes, a single rape and a stare. We might get a surprise. I am not saying that to justify or minimize anyone’s experiences. I am just saying, though while everyone suffers, not everyone suffers equally. By the grace of God, truth will come out. And I praise God for that. I am not not sorry. I feel terribly for what I did. Still you have to consider my age and the fact that I was literally going through what happened on a regular basis. I know people are angry at me now. It is taking a lot for me to humble myself into saying that I am a sinner just like my abusers and those who have hurt me. I just wish that you could see the full extent of the awful experiences that I went through so that you could have an idea about why I was stumbled into a lot of the acts of my own life. In no way does that excuse it. But, I have repented. I confessed everything in my writings, to the best of my ability. Who can say that they have never done anything wrong? I’m asking you and the people involved to forgive me but also to understand why I did this with the incredible weight of what was happening to me. Keep things in perspective. I don’t want this statement to appear pointed or offer any justification, because in no way does it, but I was still very much a child when I did what I did. The age of reason is influenced by many factors. I was still enduring abuse when I did everything I did. And I am actively taking initiative to heal from the ‘crimes’ committed against me. What I did does not change what they did. There are a lot of reasons why I did this but I intentionally avoided sex and intimacy until now because I irrationally feared hurting someone. It’s funny that once I was able to open my heart to a woman, I would realize how much love I have in my heart to give. That I only felt this way because of what happened to me. That I was reacting. And that I repented immediately after I realized what happened to me because in realizing what happened to me, I recognized what caused this reaction in me. I would never intentionally hurt someone but I just feared being in that vulnerable state and being around someone who also was in a vulnerable state. Even the concept of consensual intimacy terrified me because I feared being vulnerable. There are many reasons for that but this is true. Again, it does not make it right. But, what they did to me was literally over the course of decades. I pray that you all remember how much courage it takes to admit you’re in the wrong. Especially in an area as sensitive as this. I say with love that this was a part of my message. This is a reason I have come. Don’t judge by appearances. It’s tempting but there are always reasons, perhaps neurotic but very real and logical in some way that is clear to the person, for why a person does something. I admit completely, I am the first person to admit that I have a tainted past. The tainted past that I have was very much caused by the traumas and sufferings that affected me in my development. I can say that I am a changed man today. I am changed by the love and grace and mercy of God and the sacrifice of the Lord Jesus. Who can say that I am not accountable? I have taken my sins to the authorities! I have confessed every sin I remember, even those prior to my baptism.
Remember who reported this crime. Remember the fact that for the most part, I was a child too. It does not excuse it. Remember my message. Things may seem like they’re struggling at the moment. But with God, everything works together for the good. Sometimes not in the ways you’d expect. They can bring up everything bad that I have done. There will not be a shortage. I was stumbled from day one towards a life of sin. I think it is very difficult to expect a child going through so much to be perfect. The adult is always the one who makes the decision in cases of abuse. Even though the age of consent varies from case to case.
The reason it is unfair that my history is brought out before what happened to me comes out is because I am inculpable for how I reacted as a child. Also, why it is very cruel what you have planned. I am not immaculate. Never said so. I was with Holy Ghost before I was born. Early experiences broke it. If we looked at ourselves seriously, without pride, we would be quick to admit that every single one of us, if the truth of our lives completely were to be unraveled, would have a criminal record spanning several city blocks. As so it has already been declared in the Ten Commandments alone. Not one of us has perfectly navigated it. Except for the children. The Gospel convicts us also. If we refuse to believe it. If you believe in Christ, you believe that you too, are a sinner.
Even evidence that existed and memories that existed, Satan has erased. I understand this poses a conundrum. If I am inculpable for the crimes I commit, who will be held accountable? Let God's will be done. But it is not my penance to be made.
Name of God, I never said I was nor would I insinuate that I was a savior. Jesus is the only king. Jehovah, the only God. For me to downplay the nature of my mission would not be in true humility. Humility tells the truth. And you give honor where it is owing. I am a prophet. Who would argue that the world is in a bad place? Is it a Christian idea that the world deserves to be in a bad place? I believe that God would want to give His children a chance to repent first. Is this such a bad thing? It is not a matter of authority. It is a matter of truth. When truth comes, you will know I was ignorant for my behavior. I wonder how this would look on you after you realize that. The only reason people are resisting my message is because of envy or because of my politics. I wonder how, with this new Christian philosophy of absolute perfection, you would have hailed the apostle Paul when he received his revelations. If you feel I deserve to make reparation for my sin further, I trust you. But this is your choice, not mine. I would agree with you. Except for one thing: where does this reparation end? Will you have me dancing like a clown? Or do you want to crucify me?
Even I recognize that this envy has its source in a place higher than anything of this world. The envy, which all of you feel for me is demonic. Satan can influence our feelings. He can never read our thoughts. From my experience, he doesn't speak verbally. Instead, he works on our emotions and passions. That pang of emotion, which compels us to act on a thing, like a streak of electricity, is Satan. It even happens to Christians. I just encourage you to remember that envy is as much a sin as murder or lying.
Mark my words, the only reason this is going to happen is to humiliate me because of my politics. This is because of my politics and because of envy. This is the only reason. They want you to believe I am crazy. They are threatened by my power. I keep telling them, there is no reason to feel threatened. Again, what would it mean if what I were saying were true? Does not seem to be of a Christian origin. The envy. Or the desire to see me hurt. Or the desire to kill me. Or the desire to humiliate me. I am done. Will let God fight my battles from now on.
There is another dimension to my privacy that is important. Some of the things I am writing into private journals God wants to be surprise. It’s all good. If He desires it to be surprise, it certainly will. Nobody, even surveillance can hinder it if God wants it to be a surprise. I am and have only been telling you the truth this whole time. I don’t know really any human being who would openly be so transparent with every part of his life. With the entire world. How is your memory? I don’t say that to taunt you. But to remind you. You are forgetting for a reason. Satan is trying to kill me. This is the reason all of my sins are coming out prior to what caused them. Don’t forget invincible ignorance is a very Biblical and Catechetical thing. If what I am claiming is true, wouldn’t it logically follow? I know how incredibly, awfully small and weak I am. I do not want to do this. I keep saying I am not your political sacrifice. I don’t want to hurt more. I want my wife. It’s frightening seeing how things are progressing. If it’s possible, I would rather die in peace, with my wife. I have the Holy Ghost as much as anyone else. The reason they do not want you to think I have changed, that I am a different man is because of my politics. You know it to be true. I am extremely weak. I am very, very small. Yes, God uses the weak and the small to do enormous things. I keep saying. I will keep saying: I just want peace. You are misunderstanding. I am terribly traumatized still. I need two things for my healing. I need to confront this beast of an abuse story that seems to want to stay in the shadows. In other words, I need truth to come. Secondly, I need the love I never received as a child. The curse is broken. But I need help with this contract of sorrow. I cannot achieve this on my own. You will see.
What I need is the love I never received as a child. When Christ came to me, I was a mess, emotionally, physically and spiritually. I still struggle. But I think I really owe it to myself to stop, look backwards and see just how far I have come. I need to stop feeling badly about who I am. I need to stop seeing everything that is bad and negative about me. I need to recognize that I am a child of God. And that that is paramount to any despair, any trauma and any failure I could have. God fills the gap. I want this. I want to live and love. I don’t know how to. I am learning. And I am fighting so darned hard for the life that I know I deserve. I don’t need love as a reward for something I’ve done or said. I don’t even need reciprocal love. What I need, what I crave and deserve is unconditional love. There is only one place from which to get that. I need to experience passion. What I need is for truth to come out about this. I need help. I need help. Laity, I need your help. It's not only the world that is trying to kill me. It's the Church. Not you. Not you, laity.
I am not that character. What I endured as a child, I endured because God asked me to. I am who God says I am. Before I was born, God appointed me and chose me to be His servant. My experiences of Heaven began before my birth. At least now we know why God blesses me so much. It is not Christian to try to hurt someone. It is not Christian to provoke bad in someone to justify even worse behavior. I wonder how a true Christian would react to hearing that an infant was sold and ransomed by both of their abusers to satan? That child having grown, who now lives a righteous life and seeks simply to be consecrated to God. He has eternal life because of the work that he has done. He has been trying so hard to rid himself of this weight. Seems like whatever he does, he cannot shake this contract of sorrow. He learns that he cannot help himself. Is the true Christian’s response going to be to help this child or provoke this terrible curse his abusers placed on him in infancy? I was an infant. This was my abuser’s choice. Not mine. Who is deceived? The one who stands firm to the message of Christ as He instructed and which has been this way for 2000 years? Or is the one who is deceived and who is deceiving the one who is trying to compromise Truth of the Faith with modernism and communism? Two of the biggest heresies of the past. I do not speak heresy. I speak what is common sense. Modernism, communism in the church? Wow. For like a decade, you have been seeking answers from the wrong people. I have told my story.
There is quite a rift in the things that we are reacting to. I can imagine, when I have yelled and gotten upset and stuff that you think I am simply a personification of the stereotype that you have dreamed up in your head about what a person with my complexion should be. Or because of who I support. All that I see is people upset at me, seemingly without provocation, en mass, people ignoring me intentionally and laughing at me. What am I to think? I think that you all think I am crazy or I am lying or something. It’s not hard to see how I think that people are forgetting what I say all of the time. Do you know how frightening this is for me? It’s not simply an adage that only schizophrenics believe that people are spying on them. In the past, it may have been true. Now, it's everyday computing. Isn't it? I empathize with you for your curiosity. I empathize with how you are all reacting. Please remember that before I am a prophet, before my behavior and obviously before my politics, I am a human being with a life’s worth of experiences and traumas. This is the reason I am getting agitated. I feel threatened. And apparently not without good reason. I’ll try to be quieter about the politics. As much as I am able. Please, have mercy on me!
