Nothing more than feelings!

Feelings!

Ever notice that once we get an idea in our heads about who a person is, it’s hard to get that idea out. We begin to see everything they do through that lens. Are we giving people a chance to grow in that way? 

What are my qualifications for speaking so authoritatively about the realm of emotions and feelings? I am a human being, for one. Secondly, I have a little common sense. Thirdly, I am the survivor of many traumas in the course of my life. Finally, I have met Jehovah God. By His grace, He has filled me with this wisdom and has given me insight into the life I endured before I forgot. And we all forget our childhoods. We all forget our shame. Both our traumas and our sins. All for a reason. It is because God has given me this knowledge that I feel compelled to share with you now. I have DID and cPTSD. I was satanically abused as a child and as an adolescent, I was assaulted, causing a severe brain injury.

I shall begin this with a quote from my own writing: “We are to love God with all of our effort. We need to love ourselves before we have a foundation of love with which to love others. If we are caught up in negative feelings about ourselves because of what we have been through or what we have been shown we are worth, we’re not going to like ourselves. So we won’t be able to love others either. When we allow God’s love to enter our hearts, through prayer and reading of Scripture and the Gospel, we are nourishing our souls. But, we have to explore and process the feelings and emotions connected to our pains in order that they do not continue to have an effect on our present day behavior. We have to replace these hurts, processed and put in order with the love and Truth of God. We need to heal our inner children. Whatever it is that has hurt us, we need to nourish, acknowledge and value ourselves for what we have been through.”

AND

“There are always reasons for how people are acting, however neurotic and strange they may seem. We shouldn’t mistreat people. How do you define mistreating people though? Naturally, we would assume that someone who is aggressive and who picks a fight with someone as mistreating them. Someone who threatens or puts down verbally another would be considered mistreatment. Would you define someone who walks down the street talking to themselves as mistreating others? Maybe they are having the worst day imaginable. Maybe they are even emotionally imbalanced. Maybe they do not love themselves. After all, we must love ourselves in order to be able to adhere to the Golden Rule of Loving God, Loving others as yourself. A while ago, I walked really slowly next to an older woman with a walker, who was crossing the street slowly. I did it because I wanted to make sure that she got across the street safely. She started yelling a couple of times. The fact is that we do not know people's intentions. What we interpret as hostile could be nothing more than somebody swatting a fly away from their head.
I agree with you to a degree Desiree. Maybe this is just my thought.”

Here is truth: We are not a bundle of symptoms. We are not our reactions. Within the human being, there is an infinite number of possibilities. More so when we are young. But even when we are old and frail. We are, everything that we do, everything that we think, everything that we say, a series of reactions to the feelings that we have not processed. It is important to integrate these emotions with the body. I believed once that the best way to do this was to delve into the negative emotions head on and feel them through. I have come to acknowledge that it is accessible through replacing the negative with the divine. Really, it can be done either way. The important thing is to remember to synthesize the negative with the positive, with the divine.

Our feelings interact and clash with other people. More so when these feelings are repressed. Our negativity triggers negativity in others. Our anger triggers others' anger. Our pride triggers a response in others. On the flip side, when we love, we trigger a response in others as well. This is simple common sense. And it is what purgatory is based upon. The effect of our actions upon others. We are neither our pasts. Especially with God. With God, there is a clothing of the man as a new creation. This is the fundamental heart of the gospel message: that people can change. From the heart. It is synonymous with belief in the resurrection. If we do not believe in the physical resurrection of our Lord, Jesus - that Jehovah lifted Him from the grave, how can we believe other people can change?

What others think about us, how we feel about ourselves, how much money we have in the bank, the clothes we wear, the sort of house, car we possess, what we put into our body and indeed, what we do to define ourselves, does not define us. The only thing that defines me, the place from where I derive my identity, broken though it is, is from the blood and sacrificed body of Christ. Christ is my identity.

Feelings are rarely based in truth. I have this compulsion, where I feel the need to check my pocket to make sure that my wallet is there. Every minute or so on average when I am out. You know, in ten years, I’ve not lost it once. Still, I check. All the time. The reason people are doing things are infrequently for the reason we think they are doing them. 90% intention, 10% feelings about that intention. For instance, there was a young woman who was collecting money for a fundraiser at an institution she was extremely passionate about. She helped this institution in every way that she could. Including manual labor, which though while she was weak and it often incapacitated her to do it, she took every delight in it, only for the reason that she was delightfully proud of and loved this institution. In addition, she donates as often as she can to this institution. She was very vigilant about making sure that she delivered all of the donations that she had received and so stopped to check the envelope in which the donations were placed. At that moment a young man came around the corner and saw her looking into the envelope. To this man, who does not have the context of what is happening, it could look like she were trying to take money. We judge often by appearances only. It’s not wrong of us, since we are sinful, we are human. But God judges by every angle. And these truths will be clear soon. God knows the truth about everything. Therefore we should not worry ourselves with what others think about us. If our consciences are clear. With repentance, our consciences can be clear. Repentance involves a recognition of our sinful nature (we are all sinners – every single one) and a reorientation towards what is good.

For most people, not everything they do is deliberately thought through and guided by intention. There are a plethora of reasons for this. Disability, anxiety. The fact is that we simply are not able to grasp the entirety of the truth around every given situation. Here: I saw a video, which illumined clearly what I am talking about. It showed a man running from different angles. The first shot showed him running fiercely towards a man holding a briefcase, a stern and determined look in his eyes. He knocked this man over. If you only received this perspective, we would assume a lot about the man running. The next shot, however showed the man running past the guy with the briefcase to push a kid out of the way. Even at this stage, our perspectives are blurred heavily. In the last shot, there was revealed a falling slat of paint cans above the kid from a construction mezzanine above him. There, we get the full picture.

When we see someone who we have preconceived notions about, does it not make sense that our feelings about that person will be influenced? I'll give you an example. So, a boy who experimented with theft as an adolescent, who was caught but who has repented and devoted his past twenty years to services of charity. Regardless of who we are, who he is now, if we are given insight into the fact that he has this instance in his past, we will now view him with enormous suspicion and even persecute him because of that. Is it just? No. It's terribly unjust. Because with God, no one is beyond salvation. But, how we view people. How much more unjust when one who has accepted Christ and who has repented, is viewed with suspicion still by his brothers and sisters in the Faith. Of course, temporal punishment is important. Honestly, I think that prisons are the most evil thing on the earth. In the Era that comes, they shall be abolished. I’m not advocating bad behavior. What I am saying is that every single one of us, even those who have grown up in truth of the faith and baptised as infants, have a cellar of secret sins. “There is a skeleton in everybody’s closet”. I quote this from a popular song from when I was growing up to illustrate a point. Who could possibly say that their entire lives are the totality of their memories? When the truth comes out about what happened to me, the secret sins of everybody else shall come out at the same time. It will be an incredible grace and healing remedy for the state of our souls. True intentions of every heart will be illuminated at that point. We will know each other by our reactions to this truth at this point.

All the same, our feelings are very real. And injury can be as severe as a fractured bone or loss of limb. This is reality. We are spiritual beings. While we are in this reality, we are also physical beings. We are beings of flesh and blood. Yes, the flesh runs contrary to the will of the Spirit. But the flesh is not evil. This reality is a part of our beautiful creation. It is the way that God created us. Our bodies are the temple of the Holy Spirit. You cannot care for the Spirit without, at the same time, caring for the body that holds it. At the same time, our bodies can be wounded. Our emotions are part of the body. This is what I mean when I say what happens to the soul of the body affects the flesh. And what happens to the flesh of the body affects the soul. This is a reality, which most doctors are not trained in. Even psychiatrists are not trained in this. Emotions are the key to everything human. Interpersonal. Personal. Irrationally angry? Uncontrollably sad? Can't forgive? It all roots back to childhood trauma. The emotions we don't express when they arise, will always return as a reaction. Even before they return as a memory. There will be healing. I believe that a lot of physical and especially mental illness have their root in repressed emotion as well. Trauma, feelings and their relationship. Feelings are like the sensory preceptors. Telling us what is good for us to bring in. Modern medicine is missing out enormously on the root main causes of many illness. No, I'm not God. But I did meet Him, spending weeks in Heaven. The decision to commit sin and to go against God is always a choice that we have made. What makes this more complicated is that most of the time, our sinful decisions are based off of a lifetime’s accumulation of trauma, stress and feelings.

The human heart, everything about our bodies has an innate sense of remembering in the ways that serve it best, the trauma and pain as well as the love and joy that we have experienced. Because just like when we are cut, blood follows, emotions are natural responses to being hurt inwardly. Do not be ashamed of your feelings, world. Do not be ashamed to cry and to comfort each other when it is warranted. It is so important to express righteous anger in healthy ways so that your cup does not overflow. We need to learn to love ourselves. For in the expression of love for ourselves, we are able to understand the concept of unconditional love and thereby offer our love where it deserves to be. In feeling love for who we are as individuals, we are able to love God and to love others. There is a reason for everything we do.

My feelings are my responsibility. Your feelings and how you react to a thing is your responsibility. Though we all have the responsibility to treat each other with dignity and respect, our feelings are our own. When someone says something, for instance, our reaction says a lot more about us - about what is happening in our hearts - than it does about the person who said it. We are not responsible for how others take our words and actions. We have only the responsibility to tell the truth in love and respect. How we interact with life, what happens to us, what others do to us, what others say to us is not important. Within ourselves is an infinite universe. When things happen to us, what is happening to us is not that important. It's about how we react to these events. Suffering, for instance, does not affect us, in our perfect state. It's about how we respond to the suffering. This is how we become traumatized. It's how we become ill. Because we are resisting the pain. All this to say that when things happen to us, it's not so important what happens to us as our reaction to these events.

Yes, there is much mental suffering abounding these days. Confusion with gender etc. The example of Dissociative Identity Disorder actually provides a good reason why we need to both listen to these people and have compassion. It is a perfect example of how all mental illness are rooted in unprocessed trauma. It forms only in early childhood in response to terrible, terrible injustice and trauma. Who can  blame a person for not enduring their trauma with Christ when Christ has not been shown to them in childhood? This is naturally the fallout of not raising our children in God. Christians, it is not rooted in Truth. But there is reason for compassion. We need to avoid being condemnatory. Too much truth without love is pharisaical. I, myself have fallen into this trap at times. These people have been through hell and have not known the true God to help them through that place. We, on the contrary, have been blessed in life. Even if we have also been through hell, we have had Christ to guide us. Let us then, be pillars. If you have Christ, then you have a grave responsibility. These are people who are the least of all. These are the poor in spirit. Not people materially poor. It’s not in love to call someone crazy who has been through more than any of the world you have ever known. Yes, maybe they are crazy. So are you in some ways. At the same time, we must be prudent. We need be vigilant and assess the fruit. What I am saying, Christian, is that love never forsakes. Love never abandons and disregards. Love is patient and allows the work of judgement to God. It is unfortunately true. Many who have chosen these paths are in the process of being lost. Some will never return. However, if there were only fifty people, of all of these people who were only confused and mislead, would it not be worth reaching out and persevering for them in evangelism? Forgive me, but if there were forty-five, would it be worthy of persevering in evangelizing? Pardon my boldness, but if there were only five, would it be still worthy of persevering in evangelizing for these souls? I remember hearing a voice, nearly a decade ago that told me that the time for evanglization is over. People have made their choice, it said. I quickly recognized it not of God. The fact is, Christian, we are called to help the poor in Spirit, to proclaim the Gospel until the very end, in our words and in our lives. Perhaps the greatest lesson that it teaches is that feelings are not always based in truth. Still, feelings are certainly important. Remember the Father, leaving the 99 to search for the 1 lost. Let us prudently then share the Gospel with these. Let us not become caught up in hammering them with the Truth. The Truth will be a hammer in of itself enough. Healing is coming!

About a decade ago, I went to a conference. At this conference, there were a number of speakers on the topic of trauma. I mention this because every speaker was fascinating and true. The first speaker who resonated with me, said that incarceration for any crime is rarely the answer. Because this sort of evil punishment only perpetuates the shame. My own comment: Prisons are not the answer to anything. They are the most evil thing in the world. For, if any of us were honest, we would recognize that by God's standards, we deserve the exact same thing. A second speaker was saying that creativity allows us the space to open ourselves to vulnerability. When we make ourselves vulnerable with others, we are changing the ways that trauma affects us. Being seen and heard for the truth of our experiences can be empowering and allow us to heal. What she was saying really resonated with me because of the way that I also have used literature and writing for my own recovery. A final speaker started off by stating that when you are a victim, you have no choice. That in recovering and healing, we are regaining our capacity to make choices. We begin to differentiate between the dynamic of power we were in as children versus the position of power we have as adults. When we are children, going through these terrible injustices, we have no control, power or choice. What we do with those experiences, with blame the feelings that resulted are our choices. We have no power over what happened. Naturally, this will lead to the belief that we have little or no power over the choices of our lives. This is where the arena of grief comes into importance. We have the power to choose. And that anger is important. It is so vital to be able to express that repressed anger and grief and shame and loss. We can be angry without blame and without vilification. A great sense of compassion develops when we see humans as imperfect and flawed. We have the choice. We need to be able to anticipate and have a plan for when we are triggered. Triggers are a very real thing. How we react is our choice. Having that plan gives us the choice.

It’s so easy to get caught up in the business of life, the urgency of our daily deeds that it becomes dreadfully simple to forget about all that we have done as human beings, the journeys we are all on, the goals we have set as individuals. We need to take time to appreciate the beauties of life and the intricacies of God’s Creation. After all, He created this world for us. He created this planet for us. Life really is short. It’s literally a flash, an instant in time. We need to get out and make what we want out of our lives. We need to stop wasting our time with things that do not matter, in the grand scheme of things. Last time I wrote, I wrote about something that I believe very strongly in. We need to reveal our true, authentic selves. Our inner children. We need to pack up all of the masques and coping mechanisms that cover up our true natures, our true visions and our true goals and hopes for this life. In a time in our history when we are surrounded by distractions, bombarded by constant emotional and mental interference, it’s easy to become caught up by the world. Do not forget where your true home is. Where you belong. And how to get there. We need to sit with our feelings and not be constantly busy. God loves all of you so much. We need to reach out to Him and accept His love. This is much easier than it sounds. People need and deserve to feel loved. And the only true and natural source for that love that embraces all and endures all, wanting only happiness, love and glory for those who choose to accept it, is the Christ. He is the only source for the unconditional love we need as creatures of God. Just don’t give up on love. It’s absolutely a worthy fight.

The reason I write this is to make people to stop and think for themselves prior to judging a person. We do not know the state of other's hearts. You know it to be true. We all have preconceived notions, biases. Sometimes they are right. Other times, they are dreadfully wrong. Reason for every single thing we do. People’s intentions are not always what we believe them to be. In reading St Faustina’s Diary, I am beginning to recognize that when people are unjustly suspicious of you or when you are unjustly accused, it is like a crown of suffering that the Lord will adorn on you. Again, God will corroborate my exceptional character. Maybe I should have more faith. I wish I knew the reason you keep forgetting. I trust in God’s redeeming power. His justice, His vindication, when He redeems me, it will be so much better than anything I could say. Remember this: that facts are not truth. The evil one is very skilled at covering up facts. Through that, truth always remains. There is a reason I keep saying, we might get a surprise. This needs to come as a surprise. When this happens, we may think differently about a lot of things. What happens behind closed doors, often stays behind closed doors. That's how the evil one works. In darkness. Things will get better. Illuminate this world with your light and Truth Lord Jesus.

Maybe you're being hyper sensitive because of my past. I'm not the threat you think I am. Just very very hurt in this regard. We are all sinners. What does it say if what I claim is true? It says something to the culpability of the way I reacted, doesn't it? We are all sinners. These commandments even in Jesus' teaching are next to impossible to keep. We try. We fail. All of us.. every single one of us. Again, wait for the secret secret sins. Secret doesn't mean they're small. You've only forgotten.

It’s a beautiful, wonderful world. It is a wonderful and great gift, this life, if we can allow our perspectives the shift for a moment to see how much we have, how much we are loved and how much we have waiting for us. If we choose to love. Please remember how important all of you are. You’re not animals. You are made in the image of God. However you choose to interpret that, I want you to take from it that you are beautiful. You are spiritual. You are precious gifts. You are all cherished in the eyes of God. And your existences matter a great deal. You’re all very important. Remember how valuable you all are. And it’s very true. We have the responsibility to make of life whatever we have been given. It is not our choice the way that we are formed. We do have the choice now. We can stay in the trauma. Or we can seek a better existence. Sometimes, what hinders one from thriving is a lack of love. Growing up in destruction can harden our hearts. Yep, what comes out of our mouths is a revelation of what’s in our hearts. But the state of our heart is not always a choice that we make. This following quote, I say about my childhood of which it is entirely true: “I have turned my cheek in love and humility. Here, I’m not speaking about small things. Here, I’m speaking about rape, violent assaults and blatant attacks on my integrity from people who were and remain very close to my heart. If I have anything to boast about, it is surely in the Christ who has given hope where no hope existed. It is through Him that I have a chance. I can only boast in the love and faith I have held on to through the sufferings I have endured for the sake of the cross of Jesus. I cannot boast in any glory but the glory that God, the Father has offered me.” As an adolescent, I made mistakes. I pray you will see that I was inculpable. When it shows, you will know it to have been an act of God. Wait for the secret sins.

We have to make a commitment to help those who cannot help themselves. That is what being a human is about. I’m not judging or condemning at all (I don’t believe I am in a place to do that at all). All I can do is continue to try. And to be grateful.