What does dissociation feel like?
It’s hard to explain because I still really can’t tell when it’s happening at times. When I am aware, it often feels like a diminishing awareness. I become less conscious of my surroundings and senses. The easiest way for me to tell if I am dissociating is double vision. My awareness literally splits and fractures. This is evident in my vision. For the longest time, I believed it had something to do with my head injury and then suspected I had a brain tumor. Even a brain tumor wouldn’t explain this vision. It’s like my consciousness wants to depart momentarily. Like my field of vision turns into liquid. It’s like an out of body experience.
How did I first discover I have DID?
I had suspicion when I was about 13 or 14 and started hearing voices... These were different from the voices of God, which I have heard my entire life... And having severe memory lapses. Even though, my consciousness was very blurred at this time in the first place. At this time, an alter fronted quite a bit. His name is Klaus Jacob. He made his name and presence known. After the injury that happened, a psychiatrist actually wanted to diagnose me DID but I rejected it because I didn’t want more to be wrong. And so, for the next twenty or so years, I lived in the shadow of my consciousness. When I went to the religious community, apparently other alters fronted quite a bit. A couple of years after I left there, I began remembering that I had a fiancé. Funny thing. I didn’t remember almost a single thing about us. I grieved this for a while and lived as though I had a wife. I couldn’t understand how I could forget about something so precious. I started looking online about amnesia and realized quickly. Around this time, my alters began making themselves known to me.
How do I manage different personalities in day to day?
Most of my alters are coconscious. As far as I know. When other alters front, my host alter is not aware at all of what is happening. Some of my alters are completely fragmented. This was more severe when I was younger. I journal as a way to communicate between the alters. Something I have discovered over the past couple of years is that I can often encourage some of my alters to come out by doing something they like or listening to their music or eating their favorite foods.
Have I been seeking official diagnosis?
A psychiatrist suggested I have DID when I was young. Maybe 18. I rejected the diagnosis. (Actually, my abuser coaxed me into rejecting it). I rejected it on the basis that I had already been through so much. I have contacted a psychiatrist for a formal diagnosis. I don’t think that it is necessary as I am not seeking therapy. The goal of therapy in cases of DID is for the most part, reintegration. I am incredibly motivated towards reintegration on my own.
How can I be supported?
Comfort would be nice. Validation for what I endured. Reminders I am safe.
How can I ground?
I ground through prayer and self-soothing. Each alter has a different system of grounding.
Common misconceptions about DID I’d like to address?
Individuals with DID are as diverse as other people. There is nothing that is unique to us aside from the symptoms. A misconception I would want to address is how uncommon it is. In my opinion, it is much more common than we think. With less intense symptoms and more manageable symptoms. When you find out what happens in the world at the moment, you will see. 😉
How does DID affect my relationships and friendships?
It’s a little strange and has raised quite a barrier to developing long lasting relationships in the past. Some of my alters are very defensive and protective. They avoid all possible of being hurt. Including vulnerability. This has pushed quite a few people away. Including my fiancé. I repressed my sexuality when I was about 14. It was not a choice. It was a survival necessity. Intimacy became too painful. It just takes a little bit o' compassion, friends. ;) The trauma that caused DID for me, is more of what affected my friendships and relationships. I experienced ritual satanic abuse growing up. As a result of this, my conscience was broken and I developed not so great coping mechanisms. I was not always easy to get along with. To blame this on me would be like blaming the kid in school for shouting after the school bully had been stealing his lunch money daily for a year. If we understand causality, our entire understanding of sin and righteousness changes. Doesn’t it? Since realizing the root cause of my trauma and healing, I have been able to develop friendships and relationships that last.
Strategies to communicate with different personalities?
I try to journal mostly. My alters love their music. I can often encourage some of them out by listening to their music or doing things they like.
Comfortable in talking openly about my experiences?
Absolutely. Jehovah has commissioned me to speak about my experiences. I may have done so foolishly in the past. But, it’s for the good of the world and other people that I keep talking.
Advice for someone who suspects they have DID?
If you suspect you have DID, the best thing you can do is to be open with yourself. Be vulnerable. Be loving of yourself. Take your time with yourself. You are learning to care for yourself. Healing is not a race. Jesus and Jehovah love you very much. They desire to heal you. Forgive yourself. I think it may be a good idea to seek out a good support system of people who are loving and helpful. Get lots of sleep. Sleep and nutrition are essential.
Coping mechanisms for dealing with anxiety or stress?
I have coped with stress in different ways over my life. For the past ten years, my coping mechanisms have become much healthier. As a testimony to my faith, I have done about a 180 turn about in my life. What you are seeing now are wounds and scars. Or unfulfilled needs. The way I cope with stress now is through prayer, reading Scripture. I play chess also but that seems to be a healthy coping mechanism. Especially since I stopped using the chatbox! I am and have been a pleasant opponent for many years.
Safe space?
Each alter is a little different. The safe place of my core alter is a common uniting place we can go in difficulty. It is not so much a place. It’s a type of music. Retro and synthwave.
Triggers I try to avoid?
I don’t like being offered a lot of money. . .
Haha. Keep away my bullies! (Something tells me you already know and will try everything you can to trigger me. Cruelty!)
Daily activities with multiple personalities?
Well, I really like to spend each day, different day, connecting with a different alter. Up to three alters in a day, I think. I have over thirty known alters. Spending time with all of them is a full-time job.
Support system?
I have been blessed with a beautiful faith community. I have several wonderful, long-time friends who are very supportive. Though, most of them do not know about my DID, they have been very supportive in the traumas in my life they have known about. From what I remember, my fiancé was prepared to be supportive but I pushed her away.
Common challenges?
The challenges of living with DID can be difficult to navigate. The time loss and memory gaps are very frustrating. Even recently, at the religious community, much of my time there was lost because I was not processing the experiences as a normal person would. Up to recently, aspects of my life were completely in the dark to me. When my alters began introducing themselves to me, other memories began returning.
Positive aspects of living with DID?
Honestly, it’s as though I have developed a superpower. At least when my alters began appearing to me. I started almost like wildfire, learning I had talents I never knew I had, learning that I am incredibly romantic and gentle. Some of the things I have created, I haven’t a clue where they came from. Don’t be jealous so quickly. This all came at quite a cost. For the first 35 years of my life, I was like in a fog. I had no control over my life. And these creations, they are ALLL me. I crafted them in particularly stressful times when I was a child. They are my spirit. Even though the body lags. Jehovah has given me a tongue like a sword. Even though, as a speaker, I amount to little. Wait until I return. 😉
Strategies to integrate different personalities?
The strategies I employ, based on what I have been learning, are to treat my alters with love and respect. By doing so, I believe I can gain their trust and acceptance. I have been doing things that they like and eating their foods, listening to their music.
Therapy helped?
The therapy I have received in the past has been for different things. Easily able to see how all of it has helped me open myself to who I truly am on the inside. I am open to exploring group therapy for DID people in the future.
Wish more people understood about DID?
The human consciousness is vast. While some people cope better and navigate life better, I think categorizing people puts them in a box. We all experience amnesia, memory misfires. We all have different personalities as well. As a matter of fact, some of us may even have entire chapters of our lives that we are not entirely aware of.
Stigma about DID? How I handle?
I find it hurtful that a lot of people believe individuals with DID are dangerous or violent. I say this with sensitivity, being aware of my own past. Here’s the thing: DID often forms from terrible, awful trauma. In the frailest of developmental years. It’s all about how we cope with trauma. Which is what makes child abuse so reprehensible. Children have not been given the awareness of Jehovah and His Christ like an adult or even an older child. It’s true, children are naturally closer to God, spiritually. The younger you are, the more inclined one is to choose Jehovah. But, this inclination can be interrupted. It is essential to form your children well. Ritual abuse is especially evil. And much more common than we would want to believe. People with DID are not more dangerous than other people. But, there may be a greater need for compassion and rehabilitation on part of others to help us live and thrive.
How can friends be supportive in tough times?
Patience. Persistence and encouragement.
How would explain DID to someone who doesn’t know?
DID is easy to understand, I think. If you think of a person, in perfection, as a cup, trauma, pain and distress can be poured into you. After a while, you may overflow. Trauma may overflow. What happens to that trauma? What happens to you? If you were to contain any more, you would cease to live. So, the trauma compartmentalizes. Children are incredibly resilient in their frailty. The trauma pours over. To contain it, the person creates new identities in order to cope with this pain.
How has affected sense of identity?
Until I was about 35 years old, I had no idea who I was. My alters revealing themselves to me has been like a celebration. I needed to cope and heal the trauma that caused it first. It’s like I have made a new family. My life has begun to make sense. It has been all worth it. This prize of getting to know my new family. I know for a fact, the prize Jehovah has in store for me will only get better to better to better.
Techniques to manage dissociative amnesia?
Since I realized recently about my mental health, I have got to admit, I haven’t thought much about this. I believe that my switches have become less common over the past years. In any case, this offers me a new challenge and goal to set.
Hobbies or activities?
My alters have a variety of different joys. Some like just walking in the rain, walking barefoot on the grass. Others, littles, like to play with toys and color. My core alter, Joshua Hope likes to watch a particular show and eat pizza. One alter wanted to read the Silmarillion. I am doing this now. Sometimes, alters even commission me to write books!
Handling conflicts between personalities?
A lot of internal dialogue. I am learning to employ a little discipline in my love for them. Early on, I listened to them and did what they desired. Then, one of my alters asked me to do something contrary to holiness. At this point, I met with all of them and set ground rules. It is very important to learn about discipline and firmness. As far as I know, I have no evil alters but I do have some who have hurt consciences. When one hurt alter asked to be a buddy with a little alter of mine, I did everything to ensure that little’s safety. Including asking my gatekeeper to supervise them.
How old was I when I realized I perceived things differently from others? Alters who kept other alters from this knowledge?
I grew up with this. I didn’t know my perceptions were different until I was in my late 30’s. Until then, everything just seemed, what I viewed, as normal. I had no frame of reference. Education is important. When I was younger, I was curious as to why I was increasingly having difficulty remembering my childhood, my teenage years. Again, I thought it was normal to forget. Years later, I would understand that memory is directly affected by the individual’s ability to process the information in their environment. The reason for my poor memory, growing up, was because of the trauma over the course of my life. Not the injury… But, my word! You sure will try to pin everything that troubles me on it, won’t you, my bullies? Not very ladylike to gaslight so terribly!
Am I always aware I am switching? Realize after fact?
Very rarely am I aware I switch. The alter who emerges knows but, afterwards, to my host and core, it is a blur. I recognize afterwards that time has elapsed. Mostly based on conversations and the fact that circumstances or environments have changed.
Open with others about types of trauma I endured?
I am open. I think it is my mission as a man of faith. Jehovah has commissioned me. We will see how common this sort of trauma is very soon.
How many alters do I have?
I have 35 alters who have revealed themselves to me. All of them are supportive. My core alter has revealed to me that I may have some hiding who are not so supportive. I can help them by prayer and loving the others.
Core alter?
My core alter is named Joshua Hope. He had a different name when he came to me. He has a sad history. But he has a triumphant victory in the end!
Gatekeeper?
My gatekeeper is named Steven. He is a little older. And one of my most righteous alters. Still, he is justifiably angry because of what we have endured. He thinks it is absurd that people think we simply allowed these sort of things to happen to me as we grew up. It takes a little bit of compassion to understand shame and how caretakers influence their subjects. If you teach an innocent creature it is only good for one thing, it is going to grow up in that direction. Steven is the one who has held back my memories and emotions until I was ready to deal with them.
Is therapy helpful for me?
Therapy in the past, for me, has not been exceptionally helpful because I did not understand what the true cause of my issues were then. Still, I am able to rejoice in that I went because everything led to the healing and person I am now.
How do I feel about integration?
Some of my alters have already integrated! I still do things they like. I see my alters as not magical creatures of their own being. Rather, I see them as a greater part of myself. I rejoice when they integrate. I don’t cease to include them though. Once, during a deliverance session, a coordinator asked me to renounce my alters. This made me feel uncomfortable and protective. I did not end up doing it. Here’s the thing: Different personalities are not demons. They are not impure spirits. They are wounded personalities. They need help, to learn to trust and care. Trying to cast them out is very retraumatizing and unnecessary.
Trans? Gay? Littles?
I do have a trans alter. I have 3 gay alters. I have a number of littles. As a man of faith, this has brought a lot of confusion to me. For most of my life, I have repressed these little guys because I feared them. I will not explore these aspects of my life because of my faith. Still, I know that Jehovah wants me to be happy. Let it be a bridge. This has given me a lot of understanding and insight into things happening in our world today. We all need to be a little more understanding. On every side.
Told friends about DID? How did they react?
Some friends have distanced themselves. Others are very supportive. Some of them pretend not even to hear what I say. I have one friend, my best friend, who has been supportive from the very beginning. When I told her, I was a little shocked at how well she took it. And her support has been amazing for me. She has even remembered some of their names and likes! I am still learning some of their likes!
How do I perceive my alters? See them? Hear them? Methods of communication?
I have seen them in the past. For the most part, they reveal themselves to me through their voices. It’s not of myself, the origin of these voices. At times, they are forceful. Others, gentle. They almost always dictate to me something I had no idea about before.
Pictures taken of certain alters? How do they feel?
Some of my alters will become cranky when their pictures are taken. It feels like a violation and triggers me greatly. I have calmed this trigger greatly. Have way, bullies!
The sign of the severity of the cruelty of a bully is the extent to which they will use the mental health and suffering of their victim in order to manipulate, gaslight or extort and insult for the purpose of getting a reaction. Watch them… Their true colors will expose…
