There is a young girl within me,
Six years old and far too strong.
‘I struggle with self worth’ is all she has to say,
When asked why she acts in this way.
So alone.
Six years old,
Knowing more of life than most.
She simply does as she’s told,
Even while doing what she was told is what hurt her.
How can I reconcile with the fact that
This beautiful, little six year old girl is within me?
Within the heart of a forty year old man?
Can I reconcile the fact that she has been more my protector,
Than I have, her?
‘I need you to take time during the day to speak to me,’
She says in a low and flat voice.
The days pass,
I hardly think of her.
She will be here tomorrow,
I sigh.
This six year old girl,
This six year old girl within me,
Has been present to every abuse.
She has protected me,
At a time when I was much frailer,
Only a child myself.
She fragmented, taking the abuse onto her own shoulders.
How brave could a six year old girl be?
I am far from crazy.
Maybe I am crazy.
But not with the implications you desire.
After all, we are all a little crazy.
Maybe I am crazy.
I see a reality in which the mind does everything it can
Everything it can to survive.
Casting ballots for a chance at eternity to separate reality.
It’s not a different reality at all.
Simply a different way to survive, to be free.
This is the world of Tina Bethany,
The six year old girl inside of me,
The six year old girl inside of me
Who was brave enough to endure the pain and the violence done to me.
Is it any question that she is angry?
She doesn’t know how to achieve liberty.
‘I don’t know how to express it,’ she says,
‘I’ve channeled it, channeled it into my sexuality’.
It’s all she knows of life.
She would never hurt a fly.
Yet she hurts herself by avoidance and fear.
Her abusers taught her the dreadful cost of speaking up.
They taught her in infancy the violent cost of fighting back.
‘I am scared. I don’t want to be like me.’ I hear her cry.
‘Don’t say that,’ I say in response.
‘You are beautiful.’
Waiting a moment, I whisper, ‘Thank you for protecting me.’
She lowers her soft gaze and thinks a moment.
She says, ‘There’s no future for me.’
‘Don’t say that,’ I say, ‘Jesus loves you. You are beautiful. Thank you for protecting me.’
She whispers, ‘I feel I have let you down. I am a bad girl.’
I begin to cry, ‘You could never let me down. God loves you, child. Thank you for protecting me.’
This is the world of Tina Bethany,
The six year old girl inside of me.
She tells me she is helpless,
Holding an enormous amount of shame.
She has lost her power in life.
Patience child.
God loves you.
Did you know that?
Jesus died for you.
You maintain my dignity.
And I am blessed to have you as a part of me.
Jesus takes your anger.
Jesus takes your shame.
It makes me happy to say that
I’ve a hero living inside of me.
What you have endured is so important to the God who loves you.
These maladies have made you strong,
Given you hidden and secret accords of dignity.
So that especially you,
Tina Bethany,
Will be able to say,
‘There is one who lives also inside of me,
It is the God who died to set us free.’
Tina Bethany,
Can you see?
Awaiting your eternity,
You are chosen of God,
By God.
You are chosen
Out of all men,
All women,
All boys
And all girls,
You, Tina Bethany,
Have been chosen to set the world free
From endless pain and misery.
Can you see?
The liberty starts with you
Take a breath,
Speak up,
Reach out your hands.
So covered in shame, so burdened with pain.
Open your hands and accept the love that awaits.
It’s calling you out of iniquity.
Not to blame.
Not even once.
Tina Bethany,
Accept with me God and liberty.
This is the world of Tina Bethany,
The six year old girl who lives inside of me.
Together, we are together in everything.
You also have given me the key to the God who lives inside of me.
Tina Bethany,
I am so happy that you are a part of me.
I love you, Tina Bethany.
And I am proud to say there is a hero living inside of me.
Especially you, Tina Bethany,
As though there were no other creature in the world,
Are now able to say,
There is also one who lives inside of me.
He is the God who died to set me free.
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