Pornography:

'There are different kinds of pornography. The problem arises when pornography for the individual becomes a problem. Which I think is what this meme is speaking to. I've looked at porn in the past. But the reasons I did it were to mask emotional pain of past experiences. Because it is like that: a drug. I agree fully that the signifier of healthy sexuality is about a relationship with the self as opposed to others or other things, but that doesn't change anything about the negative side effects of and degradation of porn. I'm consciously choosing not to anymore but that does not and should not affect your choices. Because like you say in a way Josef, sexuality is a personal expression of self. But even that is relative. It is agreed that there are softcore, romantic porns but there are just the same hardcore, fringing on extremely abusive porn. The main problem is that when porn becomes a 'problem' or an addiction, the chemicals released in the brain to provide the sexual high, get used to previous forms of it, like the softcore porn. This leads to a search for more dangerous, 'thrilling' material to get the same high. Again, this is where it becomes problematic on many levels leading to isolation and relationship problems and heightened desensitization and estrangement to human empathy and suffering. A little porn; ok? Sure. But just like alcohol, it becomes a problem when it itself becomes a problem. I believe that God created sex for a couple to express their love for each other. I think that is all that statement means. I urge you guys to check out some of these videos I've provided links to. One is a TED Talk, another a personal experience of an EX porn star, another scientific symptoms of the negative impacts of pornography addiction on the human psyche. The last one is a personal account of the positive effects of not viewing porn for extended periods of time following that individual's negative experiences with addiction to porn. Ask yourself, what kinds of porn are available today for consumption? Is it simply romantic, softcore porn that expresses human love and intimacy? Or are there practically endless amounts of child porn, brutal and violent porn and other extremely abusive forms of the stuff?'

I wrote this some time ago. The blog post didn't get much attention and so I am elaborating here. I'd like to edit it a little. First, when I said that healthy sexuality is about a relationship with the self as opposed to others, I don't know if I thought this through well. In truth, human sexuality is about service. It's about learning to place the other first. It's about learning to love and place the needs of others over even our own. This is the reason, traditionally, marriage is the exclusive place for sexual relations. I believe that God has something special in store for us in this regard. Something, which will prepare us for what's coming. Something, which will give us the grace and the will to seek to love and serve the other before ourselves with greater intensity. I shall say no more about this. Secondly, I said, 'a little porn is acceptable.' I wrote this with a more secular-influenced mindset. I have grown spiritually and in my faith. At the end of the day, it is a personal choice whether or not to watch the material. I simply write as a warning that it is a serious doorway to demonic activity and darkness to open your spirit in this way. Use of the material creates a spiritual bond to the creators of the material, the actors. Just because you cannot see the spiritual doesn't mean it doesn't exist. It is a reality, more influential than this physical plane.

I will say here that I once had a terrible addiction to pornography. I can say this and bring it into the light because through God's grace, He has helped me quit this addiction for over eight years. I am living a completely chaste life for over five years. I quit the second I learned why I was falling down this slippery slope of an addiction. There is a special insight here. One which may be applicable to all in the world over. Before I continue, I would like to examine the truth that addictions do not spring up out of no where. The reason people become captured in a vice, whether it be religion, overworking, cigarettes, heroin or sugar is because they are trying to numb an unpleasant emotion. Think about it, if you are healthy emotionally, you have no reason to get stuck on a pleasure like this. You experience the pleasure and are returned to life a moment later. You are able to navigate this pleasure without unhealthy attachment. Yes, I am asserting that every addiction is the psyche's attempt to suppress unpleasant and traumatic memories or emotions. There is certainly a genetic factor involved. But, its influence is miniscule compared with the effects of life and their influence. I realized after countless attempts to quit my addictions that I was unable to tackle them by myself. So, I invited God into the equation. Around this time, I asked Him to make known to me the root cause, the underlying trauma causing me to be stuck in these patterns. Soon after, I started receiving heightened awareness of what I had endured as a child. Memories began to sharpen and clear out in image, as though a screen focusing itself. I was filled with righteous indignation and resolved firmly to change my life. I quit smoking a year after this and pornography, two years after this. Pornography was relatively an easy addiction for me to give up. Because I recognized the human and psychological ties to why I was using the material. Literally the moment I received awareness of what I had been through, I made the connection to the fact that I was using it to numb emotions I could not deal with at the time because the memories were clouded. Awareness was clouded for me. And in some cases, I was still enduring the abuse. My mind was protecting me. In addition to this, the scientific matter of the addictive qualities of the chemicals produced in the brain in reaction to this stimuli, caused my addiction to spiral down. After receiving a thrill, using the material, the brain does not produce the same amount of chemical afterward. So, in order to chase that same thrill, users seek more thrilling material to placate this desire for chemical high. Simply put, the addiction gets worse over time. For me, it was not so much about myself that I resolved so quickly to quit. I quit because I recognized the fact that in using the material, I was participating in terrible practices by proxy. Around this time, I discovered a couple of communities. The first was a secular abstinence group, which encouraged users to abstain from sexual arousal for the purposes of increasing manliness. The second group was an anti-porn advocacy group. Here, I learned an awful lot. I saw videos about ex porn stars and their testimonies. Anyways, here I learned that the people who get involved in this sort of entertainment are often victims of child abuse themselves. They often have tragic lives. Even if they don't, a great fraction of those who find themselves involved are not consenting. They are often kidnapped and trafficked and drugged for this purpose. It is incredibly sad. Many are only children. I realized after I quit that in using the material, I was contributing to an industry that thrives on abuse and darkness. So, I quit. Never to look back.

The way pornography has seeped into our culture is surely an act of the evil one. I am making a connection between the physical and the spiritual. That is an unavoidable connection to mistake. It is a terrible thing to see how sex, a beautiful part of humanity be degraded to such a level that it is unrecognizable. Children are learning about it from porn. Which is a travesty. Instead of intimacy and loving touch, they learn the oo's and ahh's acting of a porn video. What awful circumstances. No wonder our culture has tumbled this far. Years ago, a seedy guy might stumble into a back alley doorway, concealed by a cloak and ridden with shame to access pornography. This has progressed terribly. It has 

progressed until our world has become dominated by it. This material estranges the human being to the emotional state of the other. It devalues them and dehumanizes them into an object. I know that this statement may sound like a simple euphemism. It is not. In viewing it, we participate in darkness. The fact is that we have no accurate statistics about how this pandemic of sin will affect our society. It is easy to see how our society has been taken for this. The neurochemical composition progression of the human being speaks to the degradation of this addiction almost world over. It feels good until it don't any more. So we seek deeper and more taboo thrills to get the feels again.Like, increasing access and normalizing it to the point where it is accessible on our smartphones, free and in unlimited amounts.

It is a bit more complicated than simply getting married as a way to curb your sexual appetites, isn't it? We are all individuals. We all have passions and drives, wants and needs. If a boy is abused sexually by his mother, he may experience a lot of emotional resistance in developing a connection with a woman as he ages. There is a dynamic not approached Biblically here. This is the dynamic of trauma and how it relates to the individual. Certainly, the Biblical principles are accurate. But, I don't know if it would be fair for a boy abused all his life by women be forced into chastity and celibacy because of his wounds. Maybe fair is not the right word. I don't know if it is what God would want for this boy. I posit that we are not all called to religious chastity and celibacy. Sanctification? Certainly. But again, God is not as scared of human sexuality as we think. God wants us to be happy. Human sexuality is a key to this happiness. I am not asking you to believe me now. When truth comes out, it will be believed naturally and in response. When we find out what is happening in the world, our eyes will soften towards sexuality. All of this #metoo nonsense will dissipate. In the knowledge that every single one of us is guilty of exactly the same thing. It's a very elementary psychological concept that our sexuality as human beings can be moulded and shaped by our experiences. Elementary in that the concept is so simple that schooling may actually interfere with our ability to understand it. I quickly recognized that a lot of the pathways I was slipping down in terms of what I was viewing online were not actually me. They were guided by the abuse I had experienced and were perpetuating that dynamic of abuse that I endured. Yes, I admit the capacity within myself to abuse. I think if we are all honest with ourselves, we would do the same. When we assign ourselves a victim, this is quite dangerous as it denies the possibility within itself to harm. This is where darkness acts. Upon the throne of denial. In any case, I was abusing myself by submitting to these fantasies. Years after quitting, it's as though my sexuality has undergone a deep reset. This online abstinence community that believes that abstinence can reset our brains and masculinity has something to say. For sure it does.

I want people to know I am truly sorry for anything that I may have done in my past to hurt people. Whether derived from feelings of pride, lust, anger or fear, I repent. We all have pasts. I want anyone in my life who has hurt me to know that I not only forgive you completely, I love you very much. But the reason that I can forgive such horrible crimes is because I have been blessed with the spiritual insight of seeing why people commit sin and do bad things. We need to have compassion and empathy for each other. The human being is a complex organism that reacts and develops intricate and beautiful ways of surviving through the worst of adversity. They are intricate and beautiful because they helped us survive through terrible stuff. But they also have the potential to be destructive, disruptive and hurtful. Please remember this verse: “Neither circumcision or uncircumcision means anything; what counts is the new creation” (Galatians 6:15). I feel very much as though I am entirely a new person from fifteen, twenty, 

ten years ago. We’re humans. With very real feelings and thoughts. And we are all tempted. But the tempting comes according to your own experiences, sufferings and life path. A fair example of this would be lust. If you’re married or are able to have your needs met in a fulfilling way, you’re less apt to be tempted sexually. If you were abused in sexual ways as a child and at the present time, have no options for release, you’re bound to be tempted. Then there’s the issue of pornography and increasing and insatiable desires. This is a reason the Apostle Paul says, “If you are unable to control your sexual appetite, be married”. To be fair, what is happening in the world these days was not happening at the time that Paul was writing. Read this one more time. I think you may find that God has some very big surprises in store for us. Hey, if I am wrong, nothing will come of it. You need not worry about suppressing my thoughts if you think I am crazy. Or if you think I am lying. The only reason you may seek to suppress my thoughts is that you know I am right. And you know that if I am right, it will stir the status quo.

There's a Bible at the Foot of my Bed: a poem by Faith (a part of me)

There's a Bible at the foot of my bed. It calls out to me, amidst dreams of snakes and grenades. There's a Bible at the foot of my bed. I didn't put it there. And I wonder how it got there. I don't usually sleep here. It calls out to me. How can it be that it frightens me so? I know who put it there. I know that she wants the best for me. How can it be that this good will, this help should frighten me so greatly? And when I dream of grenades and snakes, she should run to comfort me. How strange. This good willed behavior. How very strange. Potentially, for the same reason, she put the Bible at the foot of my bed. No, wait! I know better. I will not be tricked. It's always how they act right before they abuse me. How again have I gotten here? Last I remember, I was in a dungeon. Longing for memories of sunlight. How can it be that I ended up here? Would it matter if I were to break free? The others can read my thoughts, will follow me wherever I go. I have some good memories. I hold to them with my strength. I used to enjoy looking at the stars, at the moon. I used to enjoy running barefoot through the grass. I would color to express myself. I have hidden. I have begun a game of hide and seek. Only the person looking for me gave up years ago. I just kept hiding. Out of desperation, out of fear. There's something at the foot of my bed. It looks like a book. I open the cover. I cannot read the words on its front binding. I feel some apprehension. Still, I'm drawn nearer. Until my face is practically upon the page. I wonder, how did it get here? I wonder. I study its properties. As I whisper softly to it, 'How is it that you have gotten here?' Someone who loves me. I remember now! But wait! I open the first page. What if it's a trap? Still, something draws me closer. I open the first page. The Bible! I feel a strong rush of wind across my face. I leaf the second page over. A voice calls to me. 

It says, "I love you very much, Faith. You are a beautiful child. And you deserve to be loved properly. With truth and grace. Your name was not always Faith, was it?" 

I respond, shaken, "Who are you, Lord?" 

The voice replies somberly, "I am the one who created you. It is not an accident that this Bible has found its way to the foot of your bed." 

I ask, shakingly, "Who put it there, Lord?" 

He answers, "I did, Faith. I did."

"Will it help me?" I ask

"More than you can know, precious one. The answer to every problem in the world can be found here. Will you read it? It is my own personal letter, addressed personally to you?"

There's a Bible at the foot of my bed. How could it be that it got there? How can I have gotten there. I remember! Someone who loves me placed it there. It calls out to me, amidst dreams of snakes and grenades. I wonder what it has to say. I know someone who loves me has prepared this book for me. I wonder what it has to say. Where shall I begin. I inspect the properties of the book. And as I do, the word, BIBLE appears on the front cover.

Importance of privacy

So, I get it. You only see one side of this story. Maybe you feel it is justified. Maybe it is. But here is another side. One which our society rarely would get.

This is how it all began. In 2012, I wrote a little book, documenting who I was claiming to be and what I endured. After this, I noticed my computer acting up quite a bit. My phone acting up as well. Possibly had been under surveillance prior to this. (There's a skeleton in everybody's closet). You distinguish criminals from other people by setting up a veil. You say this is a good act. And that is a bad act. You say, this is a good person. And that is a bad person. You have gotten so overwhelmed by this us vs. them mentality that you have become blinded to the truth that we are all evil. We are all criminals. And we are all sinners. When the truth comes out, your eyes will be opened to the fact that we are all the exact same, committing the exact same things. How's your relationship with your parents? Anyways, I wrote a little book in 2012. Afterwards, the surveillance was blatant. 

Since nothing seems to be done about it. And this communistic appeal over our democracy and republic has become overarching, privacy has become a thing of the past. Well, friends, I remember a time when individuality, genuine progress and good and healthy economy, privacy, adequate health care, good education, minimal homelessness were not just reality. They were truth. They were simply expected here in the West. Remember that the health of a society is evident in the way that it treats its littles, its vulnerables. Human life is what is most important to God. This limiting of privacy is a reach from the state to gain authority of the human life. Anyways, I wrote a little book in 2012. Afterwards, the surveillance was blatant. 

It did not disagree with me at first because I viewed it with different eyes. At this time, until about 2016, I would use this grace as a way to evangelise. I would travel the city, every day, using the notes section in my phone and my MS Word documents to evangelise to the people whom I would encounter. During these times, my message was the Gospel and that children need love and peace in their developments, that trauma accumulates. In about 2016, I heard about a particular politician's campaign. I was all-in from day 1. Actually, had I money at that time, I would have wagered a lot of money on his success. In spite of the fact that he had been given 2% chances in the polls. I want to be clear that I never prophesied his victory. I just had a feeling. What I want is different from what I prophesy. I started watching youtube videos about his campaign and realised very quickly that people were watching what I was watching on my computer. I want to say very clearly that by 2016, I had completely quit pornography use for about a year. I quit completely in 2015 and haven't looked back since. Anyways, it was at this time, I began to notice people becoming quite angry with me. Some would spit at me. Others would shake their heads and avoid me on the street. While still others lauded me. These were the weirdest years of my life. I quickly saw what was happening in terms of the censorship and media campaigns against this politician who simply seemed to want the best of his country. 

Anyways, about this time, I was confirmed into the Catholic Church. It was a joyful day, my Confirmation day. I soon realised that my confessions were being broadcast after priests had received them. Since it happened with pretty much every single priest I visited, I surmised that it was an edict from high places. I resigned. Because of the anger I faced at the time, because people were sniffing my wifi traffic and leaking my politics, my message quickly transformed from the message of the Gospel, humanity to a defence of the life that I had lived. A defence of my views and a defence of my life. Hitherto, it should be noted that people were incredibly patient with my disability, my sins (which were many). It's almost as though the moment people got wind of my politics, they were eager to forget what I had endured. It's as though compassion had been forgotten.

Afterwards, I spent some time at a religious community where this same surveillance continued. When I moved to another city, I got the impression there were cameras in my room. It was incredibly obvious because of the way I was being spoken to based on material that could never have been assessed had there been no cameras in my room. Actually, thinking clearly about it, I am able to surmise that there were probably cameras in every room I have owned since then. This is my story.

I feel like Truman or Ed in EdTV. Except for one thing. I did not consent to any of it. You may say that because of my sin (which is great) I lost my right to consent. You may say I lost my right to myself. I simply reply to this, would you say the same thing if I were inculpable for the sins I committed? If what I am claiming is true, I just may be. I have no idea how deep this network of surveillance goes. I have often suspected that there is like a channel or something, where everyone collaborates in sharing media about me. I base this on the fact that I'm often videotaped in public. You may say that I lost my right to privacy because of who I claim to be. This would make more sense. But, I'm sure even the pope has privacy within his private bed quarters, his time in the jon and in the shower. I just want to tell you that it is incredibly retraumatising for me when my privacy is intruded upon. That may not mean much to you. But, it does to me. In addition, never have I consented to any of my intellectual property to being open source material. I am stating very clearly, that all of my writing is my copyright.

My friends, still not trying to make a public statement by what I watch/what I do in my privacy.  Still, only, trying to prove what happened to me.

Look, I've got to admit: This tool has been very useful as a medium of communication is for my ministry. I know others have seen it as such as well. Still, I have always found it quite significantly censoring. The fact that other people, I have no idea even how it is possible, possess access to my computer and electronic devices is a great tool, for my evangelism and ministry. I judge the fact that you are accessing my devices because of very clear reactions I receive when I write stuff. It is beyond certainty that this is indeed happening. And part of the reason I embrace it is out of love. Because it does, in fact provide a strong platform for the conveyance of my message. Another reason is because I simply cannot afford to keep buying computers and phones. My old roommate, God bless him, snagged a USB disk with everything on my computer on it a number of years ago. I said nothing. I understand. There are probably aspects of it that I don’t understand. It made immediate sense of the words of a beautiful lay woman in Toronto who told me that what I say is worth money. But you have to look at this from my perspective. The fact that my entire childhood and adolescence was wrought with injustice and violation and intrusion, the behaviour that is happening now feels very similar and perpetuates the sense of victimisation I have endured. I was not blind to people going through my physical possessions as well. I have got to say that having an eye on me, at all times, is extremely censoring. I don’t want to create anything because I feel like the material is just going to be leaked anyhow. I don’t want to create anything because I don’t have a safe place, anywhere. As much as you want to believe, I am not a politician. I am not even a leader. Yet. My time has not come. I am just a guy telling his story of victimisation. Would it be possible if we set a limit on some of the intrusions? For instance, there are a number of documents on my computer that are for others to view. A lot though, are just a guy unprivy to technology, writing his healing and life journey. What would we see if we analysed every person’s private computer and phone history? My guess is that not many people would want that information leaked. I have quit porn for almost ten years. God bless you. 

Often, privacy isn't about hiding; it's about creating space to open up. When we have unlimited access to what a person does in privacy, we restrict their growth. We make assumptions about a person based on context, which may not be present. Healing is accomplished best in a hospital. Not on a stage. Privacy is a human right.

The reason I make a distinction between what I say publicly and what I do privately is because to me, there is a real difference. It’s the same reason I feel people still do not believe me. In all that I have said publicly, including going to the authority, writing and publishing my disclosure testimony and a few posts on facebook and my blog, things haven’t gone that well. This is how I have communicated with others so that they know what is going on with me. When I write in my computer, what I look at on the internet, what I say in private to my friends, I assume I have privacy. I assume people simply want to know me for me. I assume I have the space to write about personal things that have affected me in my life. I have nothing to hide. But that should not matter. Privacy is a human right. Is this sort of surveillance common everywhere? I’m not going to say anything further about this except privacy is very important. I know and understand that people are curious. And I know you have shown a great deal of faith in what I am saying. For that I thank you. Please, at least afterwards, remember that I am not only a prophet. I am also a survivor of a lot of trauma. And that I deserved space, boundaries and healing like everyone else. The fact that I can’t always voice these needs and assert myself is a result of a lot of being taken advantage of. I invite you to continue reading what I write. It’s a good way for me to communicate with you, in the limited state I am in. But remember, value in all of this is in Truth. Not anything I say or do. Trust truth. Not me. It’s about God. Not me. You have been very generous to me in what you have offered me. Or in what you have tried to offer me. I know that one day, I will feel worthy of love. You’re making yourselves forget by focusing on this. Remember my message.

The way people are using technology to spy on others is deplorable, an abomination to God. God values enormously the privacy of people. God will defend me. Thank God for His vindication, which is coming! Promise not to say I told you so… It’s your choice. Do you want to be a bully? Or do you want to act in love? Time will tell. And time and what will happen will ultimately separate the goats from the sheep. Who ever said that because you are a Christian, we need to be nice to people all of the time? We treat people accordingly. I think you will get a shock when you find out that this whole time, you were supposed to be worshipping Jesus in the Mass. Not me. 

Sorry. I cannot apologise for what people are not giving me the opportunity to consent. Maybe I get the reasons you are spying on me. Still, this method of surveillance is not simply for surveillance. It’s the same reason my confessions are being recorded. I cannot tell you how much damage to the morality and mental health this is doing upon society. Look, privacy is a human right. One which I have forfeited for the sake of my ministry. You are not giving me a chance if you go to the extent of 007 espionage to find out about what I am doing. Jesus. 

Call me naïve. I still am not entirely sure whether people are reading this. I’m sure that I do not have to tell you that I am not writing with the intention of being heard. This is my private journal where I express some very personal stuff. Not being privy with technology I guess serves only to further my naivety. I need an outlet. And I will continue to write. I will admit that if others are in fact reading this, it offers me a platform through which to voice my thoughts, in the limited physical and emotional state that I am in. But again, that these are my reflections and emotions and what is in this may not always be that positive. Although, I feel for the most part, it has been. Read. If it is encouraging you. 

There are some things, which you are not intended to see. There is another dimension to my privacy that is important. Some of the things I am writing into private journals God wants to be surprise. It’s all good. 

If He desires it to be surprise, it certainly will. I am and have only been telling you the truth this whole time. I don’t know really any human being who would openly be so transparent with every part of his life. With the entire world. How is your memory? I don’t say that to taunt you. But to remind you. You are forgetting for a reason. Satan is trying to kill me. This is the reason all of my sins are coming out prior to what caused them. Don’t forget invincible ignorance is a very Biblical and Catechetical thing. If what I am claiming is true, wouldn’t it logically follow? I know how incredibly, awfully small and weak I am. I do not want to do this. I keep saying I am not your political sacrifice. The reason I feel I am being chosen for this is because I am so terribly weak. I do not want this. I don’t want to hurt more. I want my wife. It’s frightening seeing how things are progressing. If it’s possible, I would rather die in peace, with my wife. I cannot help what is being placed on my heart by God. By the Holy Ghost. I have the Holy Ghost as much as anyone else. The reason they do not want you to think I have changed, that I am a different man is because of my politics. You know it to be true. I am extremely weak. I am very, very small. Yes, God uses the weak and the small to do enormous things. I keep saying. I will keep saying: I just want peace. You are misunderstanding. I am terribly traumatised still. I need two things for my healing. I need to confront this beast of an abuse story that seems to want to stay in the shadows. In other words, I need truth to come. Secondly, I need the love I never received as a child. The curse is broken. But I need help with this contract of sorrow. I cannot achieve this on my own. You will see.

I don’t know or understand what it is that you need me to do. Are you expecting me to be silent in private emails? Are you expecting me to be silent while using my private computer? Are you expecting me to be silent in terms of what I watch in my home? Let us prepare a list. I don’t know that what you are asking is humanly possible. Please, I am begging you not to hurt me more. I don’t know what it is that I need to be obedient to. Are you forgetting what I have already endured? I had a serious head injury when I was younger. Maybe I just do not understand what it is that you need. No one has told me clearly. You are expecting a lot of me. The least you could do is tell me clearly what you want me to do. The reason you can't is because you know you may be goading against the tide of God. Why do you silence a prophet of God? Look, I will be silent. If you think that will keep me safe. I do not understand where I need to be silent. Places where I have always assumed that I have privacy, like in confession, have become pedestals. For people telling my sins to others. Every sin I have commit was in reaction to what happened to me. Every sin I have commit, which I remember, has either occurred before my baptism or has been confessed already. I have confessed sins from before my baptism. You are not getting the full picture. Please. What do you want? As far as I can see the only reason you would want me to be silent about my story is because you are threatened by it. This may be the case. Truth about what happened to me feels like the only leverage I have against people who truly want to do me lethal harm. It feels like there is nothing I can do. You want me to be accountable. No one has been more accountable than me. I not only confessed my sins to priests who were sharing them with the world. I also took a lot of my sins to the authority. In faith that what happened to me would come out at the time.

I never know what people are upset at. It’s hard for me to process how I write something privately and all of a sudden, heads are turning. Hard for me to process those reactions because they make no sense. Surely, you can’t have access to what I am writing/watching. Schizophrenics used to believe people were spying on them. With this presupposition in mind, I come to the conclusion that people don’t believe me about what happened to me. This feels terribly threatening to me as I have seen how angry people get when they forget my story. Still publicly, it’s only thing I have said. This method of communication is absurd to me and makes little sense. I don’t know what you’re thinking. I cannot handle wavering 

attitudes towards me. Scares me to death. Please just don’t pay attention to me. Don’t be mean about it. Just treat me like anyone else. Consistency is key. Let’s see how long we can go. 

Everyone deserves privacy though. There are a couple of documents on my computer, which I don’t mind sharing. But, my work is not open source. This is my work. Seeing how my experiences with VPN has failed over the last while, I am not going to get that. Please respect my right to my work though. My computer is not public. As much as I am a prophet, I am also a human being and a survivor. I find myself censoring myself sometimes, knowing that others have access to my electronic devices. People need boundaries to thrive. You have to know that it is wrong. And I protest...

I’m sure I do not have to keep telling you that you need not read what I am writing here. Nobody is forcing you to read what I am writing. I don’t even know how it’s possible that you are. Regardless, no one is forcing you to. No one is forcing you to.

Please remember that my computer is not a public forum. This is not a newspaper. I deserve privacy just like anyone else, an essential basic need. All I am doing is writing into my private computer. I’m saying that in the gentlest way I can, knowing how this has benefited me in having a voice. Originally, I never intended or consented for it to be a medium for people to follow. But I want to thank you for listening and for your faith. I will continue to stand up for truth. Just know that I have never consented to this. I will continue to encourage. What is meant to happen will happen. No one can blame you for how you’re reacting now. You don’t know my story. It’s very difficult to trust something you cannot see. Or in this case, something in which there is no corroboration. Don’t forget everything I have done and said. Don’t forget my message. Again, I’m asking you not to believe until there is evidence. I am not looking for attention. But I am going to need validation for my healing and well being. Validation of what happened to me. #Saintinaday!

I also hope that you can understand that this journal is not necessarily intended as a public forum. I speak my thoughts here. And I hope you can understand that some of my thoughts are fleeting. Some thoughts may be sparked by emotion. And I hope you can appreciate that this is my journal, which, in many ways, I began as part of my healing journey from some very serious traumas. In that, I am writing this for myself first. 

This is not like a newspaper. I keep personal thoughts here. Especially in my phone. I actually purchased a VPN a couple of years ago, which I had installed on my phone, though I don’t think it worked. For a while, I noticed relative anonymity but then, as I remained on the same server for a while, people started to react again to what I was jotting down. It’s good. I think it’s a good channel of communication for myself and others. Especially in the uninhibited way it allows me to communicate, in the state that I am in. But I feel that we are a bit off page in comprehending each other with this type of communication. Silence is not lack of concern. You know very well how I feel. Nothing will change. You know what I have been through. I can’t help but feeling as though we are out of sync in terms of what we expect of each other. This method of communication leaves a lot to the imagination and for speculation. At times, leaving us in conflicting paths in terms of things we are reacting to. I can wake up one morning and walk about my day with people being really pleased with me all day, then, with a pin fall, their reactions can do a 180 because of a YouTube video I liked. Still, it’s a good method of communication, considering the limited state I am in now. Truth will come out when it comes out.

Youtube history and facebook newsfeed aren’t forums for public statements. Not the best place to form an opinion about a person. Please don’t let what I ‘like’ on Facebook blind you from everything I have 

been through and done. We are more than what we do and say. I say this with love, we have to do more than listen to what we hear. Examine your beliefs and see why you believe them. What I watch on youtube does not completely shape my perspectives. With respect, I understand your curiosity. But I think it may be not right to form an opinion of a person based on the things they watch and like on social media. A lot of this stuff is only my opinion. But there is a reason for that opinion. Yesterday I wrote a post that I want to stop paying attention to other people. I very much want to please people, because I know the position of responsibility I have. But to please all is not practical now. What I meant by saying this is that I just don’t want to allow people’s opinions to hinder me from doing what I need to. Again, my youtube viewing history is set to private. My Instagram profile has a silly username. You need not be curious.

I’m not going to apologise for what I say in private conversations. This is not about my opinion, what I say or do. This is about truth. People know that I am a follower of the Way of Jesus. This is not a secret. That does not make me perfect. Far from it. It is for the broken Jesus came. To me, Christ is the true path to know God. Through Him, a relationship with and forgiveness with God are accessible. But again, I possess only insight about the True path. What I have written in this book and throughout these letters, I know for Truth or am testifying because of my faith through the experiences I have had and through what is written through the Word of God. And I believe the Word of God is Truth. Love, peace and illumination in truth is the way to know God. I know this for Truth. But love works in both directions. It is not lucid, otherwise it is not love and becomes submission.

The message of this entry is that you have a choice to read this. Nobody is forcing you to. This is kind of absurd to me at times. Considering that I am only writing in my personal computer. Does everybody have access to everybody’s computer and device these days? I see the benefit. In my case. Please remember that privacy is very important to human feelings of safety. 

I’ve gotten a VPN on my phone. Call me naïve. I am just realising what this is for. The notes I make on my phone are where I record my thoughts throughout the day. Not all of them are intended to be read by others. People deserve and have a right to privacy. Again, it’s okay. And I understand your curiosity. Just my phone.

I want the best for God. I know privacy is not a part of that plan. The reason I talk about privacy and its importance is because I realise how the human nature reacts to unwanted intrusion. Reason I got a VPN on my phone is because some things I write as notes in my phone are simply random thoughts and I don’t necessarily want to express those thoughts publicly.

Around the time when I started realising that my confessions were not being held in exclusive privacy, God the Father came to me, telling me that if I needed to confess, He personally would be my confessor. He was offended by this breach and offered to hear my confession whenever I needed. He tells me, after confessing to Him that I am brand new, I am spotless like a lamb without blemish. 

The reason I continue to write is because of reactions I am always getting when I view something online or write something in this computer or on my phone. Do we all take privacy for granted that we forget how important it is for a human being to thrive and to grow? Every so often, my computer, my private computer, which I purchased for myself, into which I write private thoughts about my healing journey, documents I am writing into, don’t save properly. It says that the document is open elsewhere and can’t be opened. Then it spews some nonsense about changes being made globally. My work is not open source. I have not consented to this. Consent is important, isn’t it? Especially for a 24 year rape survivor. I’d guess it would be. 

I’ve tried a lot to not talk about politics. I don’t represent anybody. Remember from where you were getting your information from for the first five years. There is no literal way you can get me to apologise for things I do in my privacy. My message is greater than politics. There are aspects of truth in every perspective. You need to know that all of you are doing so well. God is bigger than politics. You know my early literature. This is my message and all you need to know. Coincidentally, it is one of a very few things I have said publically. (I wrote this years before beginning my perpetual defence argument). I am not even teaching with a lot of what I say. So we are very clear, I don’t represent anything more than me. At the moment, I have no more authority than anyone in the Spirit… Even lay Catholics possess the Spirit of God. And perhaps, to a greater degree for points in humility.

Here is probably a familiar quote: I cannot consent what I cannot control. And - surely people are allowed to have an opinion... "Tell me, how can I be silent when seemingly everyone has unrestricted access to every writing tool I use? I have changed my personal electronic devices countless times. When that has failed, I started writing in journal books. People broke into my room, or otherwise went through my belongings without my consent. They have many times broken into my lock box. Even in places I felt most safe. For as far back as I remember, my internet traffic has been universally sniffed. Without cause. You know I have not looked at porn in over six years. You can tell me to be silent. It is quite impossible. If you don't like what you see, you know what to do. This depends on you. Not me. I will not stop writing."

The problem seems not to get any better. I am sorry to my friends who have to listen to me like this. But, I feel it needs to be said. It is an immoral thing what is happening that cannot be justified. People know who I have been for the past decade but especially over the past five years. I have done my best to explain the reasons for my difficulties as a child and as a young man. I keep trying to share with people what I was even then enduring. The danger, I feel is not personal but rather how the permittance of this behavior is leading to shape and alter the morality of individuals who perceive this going on. I pray for those who are responsible and pray God reveals the truth about how this behavior affects not only me, but everybody else who is observing. When it was discovered that Padre Pio was being spied on, the reigning pope condemned the act strongly because he recognized the dignity of the human being and the right to privacy, free from undesired intrusion. Kind of the same reason the seal of Catholic confession is so strict and guarded. Padre Pio, at the time, was also accused of discrepency, which was later proved to be false. Maybe a half truth. I can imagine there was a desire to humiliate the priest on part of the recorders. I do not understand the methods being used to spy on me if they are strictly for surveillance. 

The point of this: First of all, it is a blatant violation of my human rights. You need know, without hesitation or mildest doubt, that privacy is of utmost importance to God. This is not a matter of opinion. God values the human life. He values the rights to the self in the same way. Just like He values intellectual property. Like He doesn't want us to be victims of abuses after abuses. Just like God does not want to extinguish the light of His children. No, friends, it's not God. It is not God who is tempting you to do this. Not God at all. You are going to have to set back to the drawing boards. To be clear, I am not even worried about me any longer. If you cannot see the fact that this is an erosion of the state and a blatant and tyrrannical abuse of power, I don't know if I can help you. If you cannot see the fact that if they can do all of this to me, yet you feel safe from this happening to you in the very near future, I don't know if anyone can help you. Mark my words, friends, it will not be long before you are deemed a threat and they come after you. It's not prophecy. It's not even foresight. It's simple math. Deduction at the very simplest. Repent, you nations. God is in control. 

Vatican II.

VII Essay:

Notes:

I am not a learned. I am not anyone of substance. My sole defence for this critique is the love in my heart placed there by the Holy Ghost. For I know the authority that the Holy Ghost has given to me. I am as Catholic as they come. A very strong Trad Cat. I love my faith. It's why I write this. It is not my intention to criticise a beautiful organisation - one which I have grown exceptionally to love - but rather to, through a direct and sober analysis of its direction and course, guide it gently back on track. It is not my intent to criticise. Rather, there are many beautiful aspects of this document. I'm sure there are many beautiful aspects of every text of religion in the world. My intention is to provide for a basis of discussion the intent and practicality of the texts here. And, of course, if I am nobody, if I am crazy above that, what should it matter what I write or say? BUT... there is in fact, very much, which is beautiful and good in this council.

These are a number of my notes on the first three sections of Vatican 2. I invite you to read and think about all of this. Again, I want to emphasise that it is not my intention to criticise. God knows. God sees. I trust Him.

Dei Verbum: 

Notes:

Even the Apostle Paul alludes to spiritual experiences he had, which he chose not to include in His letters out of humility. Is it not the same humility with which we approach Scripture? With the understanding that we know all we need know for our salvation? But, what I argue here is that to censor and hinder new revelation, which is blatant and persistent, may not be conducive to healthy faith. If God were trying to make something new known to His people, who can prevent it? Fullness of all Revelation in Christ. "we now await no further new public revelation before the glorious manifestation of our Lord Jesus Christ" This is pretty limiting. What of the one third of prophecies in the Word and given to seers every day in the Church? Worthy of investigation. At least an open mind. What of Fatima? Medjugorje? Malachi?

Very beautiful. But it doesn't really contain much substance. Almost as though a council was convened just to convene a council!

I like the sacred scripture\sacred tradition connection.

"But the task of authentically interpreting the word of God, whether written or handed on, (8) has been entrusted exclusively to the living teaching office of the Church, (9) whose authority is exercised in the name of Jesus Christ. This teaching office is not above the word of God, but serves it, teaching only what has been handed on, listening to it devoutly, guarding it scrupulously and explaining it faithfully in accord with a divine commission and with the help of the Holy Spirit, it draws from this one deposit of faith everything which it presents for belief as divinely revealed." 

Again, a good thing to have shepherds watching over us. Teaching us. What happens when these shepherds have become corrupted? Their teaching corrupted? Seems like a reach for control. Would you follow the teaching office if it taught that we are to kill our enemies? Murder? Lie? Steal? The Word is always paramount. This will be the grounding upon which our faith is built. And yes, for the past two millennium, the teaching office has safeguarded the faith very well. 

"Therefore, since everything asserted by the inspired authors or sacred writers must be held to be asserted by the Holy Spirit, it follows that the books of Scripture must be acknowledged as teaching 

solidly, faithfully and without error that truth which God wanted put into sacred writings (5) for the sake of salvation."

"However, since God speaks in Sacred Scripture through men in human fashion, (6) the interpreter of Sacred Scripture, in order to see clearly what God wanted to communicate to us, should carefully investigate what meaning the sacred writers really intended, and what God wanted to manifest by means of their words."

"literary forms."

This opens the door for Scripture to be interpreted as allegory. When Scripture is interpreted as allegory, genesis and revelation are the first to be questioned. If we allow ourselves to question the foundation of the world, we can question anything in the faith. If Genesis got it wrong, what makes you think that any other book of the Bible is true? I prefer to have faith in my God. I take Him at His Word. I don't think that He is deceitful with His words. Do you?

Yes, the Hebrew Testament was pointing to Jesus as the Messiah. This was its purpose and mission. But, it was not its only purpose and mission. This ignores a wide history and original plan in the first Elect of God. The purpose of whom will remain in tact, until the end, when they receive as one family unit, the Lord Jesus. Maybe I am being too critical of the text. But it seems like, Dei Verbum is rejecting the fullness of Life prior to Jesus. I'll keep reading!

Also, from a personal opinion, yes, the New Testament is the most important. Because it is about Jesus. But, it is a unit! I have always wondered how certain Gospels and epistles and books were excluded from the Canon of Sacred Scripture. 'In the end, one will come who will make popular this Book of Enoch again.' (From Enoch) Certainly, many were not as reliable. But certainly they were essential to even the Apostles. The apostles would have been very familiar with the Book of Enoch and other texts. Still, the four Gospels and letters are sufficient to know the truth as Church has instructed. It's a good thing.

Feelings are not the Spirit.*

So, it is mentioned that teaching office has the responsibility to guide faithful in matters of Truth and according to the Laws laid out in Sacred Scripture. How much more so the case now? 

If there are more elements to Truth than found in Sacred Scripture, careful effort should be taken in assessing truths. Truths like Garabandal, Fatima, Medjugorje. As the Bride of Christ, we should always be eager to continually progress with the Spirit of God. In the ways He is guiding us. But, we need to stay rooted in Christ. The Word of God is the root. And let us test all new revelation by the Word of God. But, let us have a diverse census of assessors. So that their decision in this matter will not be tainted by envy, greed or political censorship.

Lumen Gentium: 

Notes:

It's interesting how quickly we have abandoned the mission to bring Christ to all men. And instead have adopted a universal view of salvation, where everyone can be saved. Not a critique of the text but of the direction of the church.

I'm sure i will have much chance to examine this thought later. But i just wanted to point out that the 

mission of the Church should not be too concerned with material and social well-being of faithful that they neglect their spiritual well being.

Be prudent about trying to create a heaven on Earth. We should always remember that this world is broken and ill. It is fading away. It is not, nor can ever be, a utopia. The concept that earth can be a heaven is a communist propaganda. 

Again, be prudent in labeling any of the Word of God as metaphor. If we can call one part of the Word metaphor, what is to stop us from saying the whole thing is metaphor. Slippery slope and lack of faith.

I don't understand the Church's position on suffering. Certainly, it is meant to foster faith. Especially in times of darkness. But God wants our love and happiness and joy.

"Allow the visible social structure of the Mystical Body of Christ to shine forth the light of Christ."

"Just as Christ carried out the work of redemption in poverty and persecution, so the Church is called to follow the same route that it might communicate the fruits of salvation to men."

"is not set up to seek earthly glory, but to proclaim, even by its own example, humility and self-sacrifice."

Just because one is suffering does not mean that they are suffering in Christ. Suffering itself does not make one holy.

The unity of people, that God does not save people individually, erodes individualism. Individuality is a virtue to God. 

I am not a learned. But, I have a hunch that most councils were written and drafted in response to changing world dynamics. Please, this is unnecessary! The Church never changes. Even with the world.

I just want to say: sometimes it is not the will of God for the faithful to subject themselves to abuse for the sake of testimony. God wants us to use our voice and speak up when we are enduring chronic treatment.

Can the discernment even of the Body of Christ, whether it be a hierachical leader or a lay man, be influenced by outside morality? If the conscience of the world changes around the Church, can the Church be led to a state where its own conscience has been compromised?

There is a fine line between extinguishing the Spirit in creatures of God and discerning the validity of extraordinary gifts. I remember hearing a story from a brother Carthusian who told me that a Carthusian monastery unearthed their cemetery after some years and finding a number of bodies incorrupt, they simply reburied them. There is a difference between humility and hiding light. Mark my words, it is not God who desires to hide the light of men. Let your light shine, all the earth! Let your light shine! Let not our attempts to discern validity of miracles do away with the fact that miracles are actually being done.

I agree that other religions have access to God but we should do everything we can to draw them to Christ and true religion.

The Savior wills that all men be saved. But not without the Messiah of Love. Christ. This is the reason we must preach the Gospel to all ends of the earth.

Surely, apostolic succession is fruitful and real. We must be wary to guard and safeguard the integrity of the body that chooses the successor as well as the successor himself. There must be options when the successor or the choosing body are compromised. How will we know if the Church has been compromised? If it begins to advocate adoption of sin into morality. If it should propagate heresy or apostasy. Etc. Let us be discerning of every decision. What is the reason for this decision? Is it rooted in love? Or in envy/fear? I ask the question again, would you, the lay person, follow the Roman Pontiff into sin? It is a hypothetical question of course. But one that needs to be asked. I follow Christ first. Not the pope first. 

An innocent question about this though. Christ says leaders among you are to serve. That we are not to rule over the flock as the world leaders rule over the gentiles. This element of hierarchecal division causes envy and competition. Prudence!

Universal church's unity is found in Catholicism. Not individual cultures. This is what separates the Church from the world. I admit, it is kind of beautiful to have churches who are solely Ghanian, or churches that are solely Jamaican. but this is not our religion. This is culture. The Latin Mass, language and liturgy unites the entire body of Christ under Catholicism. If we introduce culture, at the expense of Catholicism, where is the end? Slippery slope. Soon the Eucharist will be replaced by pita bread or maise bread.

"Among the principal duties of bishops the preaching of the Gospel occupies an eminent place.

and vigilantly warding off any errors that threaten their flock."

The Church has little business in economic, civic and social issues. MLK Jr. once said that when a religion teaches faith and love but neglects that man's body and needs it is no longer religion. It's true, isn't it? And it's appealing isn't it? Almost too appealing. It works on our empathy and compassion. We need to remember that to help a person - to truly and actually help them, we need to give them the tools to help themselves. Yes, of course, seeing a man starving on the street, who wouldn't be drawn to give him a meal? But, what I say is that charity cannot stop there. We have a responsibility to train our flock to be able to lift themselves up.

For the laity, the idea that we are to live up to holiness, the expectation for holiness in life is an impossible expectation. Yes, sanctity, to aspire to be saints is a lifelong journey. But this idea rejects the notion that we are all, in fact, sinners. Every single one of us, broken from the fall. It creates in us unrealistic expectations and impossible qualifications for people to live up to sanctity. It is a good and sacred thing to aspire for holiness. But we must never forget that we are broken sinners. Even with confession, we must never abandon the fact that we are always, in this life, on the path toward perfection. We have not achieved it yet.

"In the first place, the shepherds of Christ's flock must holily and eagerly, humbly and courageously carry out their ministry, in imitation of the eternal high Priest"

"May the goods of this world be more equitably distributed among all men, and may they in their own way be conducive to universal progress in human and Christian freedom." 

This statement is communistic. It is not a bad thing to support the material well-being of people. But, the way to do it is not in redistribution. We need to encourage growth of the human being. Catholicism's intent is to nurture the spiritual well-being of the human being. What good is it to a poor and hungry person if they do not have the capacity to sustain their health, after giving them some food?

Again, holiness of life is unreasonable expectation for human beings. It is an admirable pursuit and the goal of all Christians but it is impossible. Only small children are qualified. We need to embrace our sinfulness and change. This is where repentence comes from. Let me say this in another way. Sin is the greatest illness in mankind. If we cannot, if we do not acknowledge our need for grace and repentence, the sacrifice of Christ is not in our grasp. Brothers, sisters, I say it out of deepest love for you. We need to recognise our own personal sinfulness. It's literally the first step of being a Christian. If you jumped ahead, no need to worry. It is never too late! Call upon Him. Jesus only. If we don't think we are sinners, we will adopt a righteous attitude and think we are not in need of our Savior. This is a dangerous position for a Christian to be in. "If you say I have no sin, you make God a liar." We forget that this call to sanctity is a process. And nobody is exempt from inclusion to sainthood. Have you forgotten so quickly that Paul was murderous against the believers?

Parents: They should embue their offspring, lovingly welcomed as God's gift, with Christian doctrine and the evangelical virtues.

And by saying that God is a god of love is generally misleading. God is a God of Love but we are to love ourselves as well. If we neglect love for ourselves, love can begin to look like submission. Submission is based in fear. Not love. Sometimes it is prudent to act in ways that may not on the surface seem like loving our neighbor but which we must do to secure our safety and their repentance.

I am confused by the term their own proper state in life? This seems limiting to the human spirit. Surely, as with other contrasting Scriptures, the Word encourages us to become as lighted candles on a hill.

Of course, Mother Church does and should maintain the deliberation regarding religious vocations. If I could speak to the individuals making the choices, I would encourage them to discern long and hard. Be more prepared to embrace and welcome than to reject and refuse. The discernment comes as important in weeding out goats from the sheep who seek to infiltrate. Like communists, freemasons, etc. But we should always view candidates with love first. Maybe not. Maybe it's just that I see the natural good in people. Be discerning. Cannot hurt. If a vocation is from God, it will persist. And I do suppose that a good and efficient way of weeding candidates is by fire.

"This Sacred Council accepts with great devotion this venerable faith of our ancestors regarding this vital fellowship with our brethren who are in heavenly glory or who having died are still being purified; and it proposes again the decrees of the Second Council of Nicea,(20*) the Council of Florence (21*) and the Council of Trent.(22*) And at the same time, in conformity with our own pastoral interests, we urge all concerned, if any abuses, excesses or defects have crept in here or there, to do what is in their power to remove or correct them, and to restore all things to a fuller praise of Christ and of God."

Sacrosanctum Concilium:

Notes:

In the introduction, (I cannot believe what I am reading) 

"This sacred Council has several aims in view: it desires to impart an ever increasing vigor to the Christian life of the faithful; to adapt more suitably to the needs of our own times those institutions which are subject to change; to foster whatever can promote union among all who believe in Christ; to strengthen 

whatever can help to call the whole of mankind into the household of the Church. The Council therefore sees particularly cogent reasons for undertaking the reform and promotion of the liturgy.

I am not a canon lawyer, priest or anyone of substance. Just a layman who practices his faith very seriously. I can honestly only point out how absurd it seems to alter the format of the liturgy for any means.

"Lastly, in faithful obedience to tradition, the sacred Council declares that holy Mother Church holds all lawfully acknowledged rites to be of equal right and dignity; that she wishes to preserve them in the future and to foster them in every way."

This quote is interesting because of what is happening recently in terms of the restrictions being placed on Tradition.

Promotion of active participation in liturgy: 

I personally feel that what separates protestantism and catholicism is the Mass, the Liturgy and the Eucharist. There is no need for participation of the congregation in the Mass. As they are not as important as the reason for the Mass being offered. Another central point which separates protestantism from Catholicism is reverence. The Mass is not a worship event. It is literally the sacrifice of the calvary and cross.

The Liturgy never needed to change. Active participation by the faithful discourages reverence. In Liturgy, the priest presents the prayers to God in place of the faithful. In persona Christi.

You make it seem like the Latin Liturgy is beyond comprehension. When a love for the liturgy is fostered, which should arise naturally within the faithful, a growing comprehension will grow for the liturgy. This is where the Missal comes in use. I have been attending the Latin Liturgy only two or three years but I have the entire Mass memorised. It's not out of duty. It is out of love.

Ritual simplicity devalues its beauty.

"The sermon, moreover, should draw its content mainly from scriptural and liturgical sources, and its character should be that of a proclamation of God's wonderful works in the history of salvation, the mystery of Christ, ever made present and active within us, especially in the celebration of the liturgy."

No argument here.

"Particular law remaining in force, the use of the Latin language is to be preserved in the Latin rites."

No argument here.

Is one language divisive for the unity of the Church? On the contrary, a unifying language, Liturgy and celebration is incredibly unifying. The Church is made up of many nations, people and languages. It is this central unifying element which unites us. A liturgy in native tongue and tradition, like the Tower of Babel, is what divides. Think of it like this: if an African is visiting Canada one day, speaks no English but is Catholic, he can still participate in the Mass.

Elora's Passion:

Honestly, the very first time I heard your name, beautiful and soft, even referring to another entirely, it triggered within me such incredible joy, such untimely completeness. How was I to know that your identity lay hidden, tucked away in my consciousness and concealed entirely? Thank you. Did you hear me? I say thank you. For getting to know me. Thank you for spending time with me. At the end of the day, for being my victory. For showing me the path to victory and sanctity. Verily, the first time I heard your name, beautiful and soft, it triggered within me an unavoidable reality. Awakening my heart to the truth of your identity. I will always remember exactly where I was when you first uttered the word, 'Hello.' You said hello to me as though it were yet another day. Another moment passed. One in which I'd forgotten about you completely. And yet, you remembered me completely. How could I have ever allowed myself to forget you? How could I have ever permitted myself to let it go?

Honestly, the very first time I hear your name, Jonathan, likewise so beautiful and so soft, it triggered within me the drive to get to know you. I wanted only to explore this other part of me, this treasure chest into infinity. I know well that the effects of your existence was creation, a fabrication, elementary, of the ideation and idolization of those who formed you. Truly, they formed each and every part of you, guiding your future, no matter, I would endure. I saw entirely, wonderfully and succinctly, the eternity of, within you, possibility. The possibility that lingers, unlike that of any other man who ever existed. I longed most of all, to show you, to open your eyes to this eternity, this eternity of possibility. My Jonathan, my eternal and cosmic twin, veritably, I ask the same question of you. How could I have forgotten about you? How could I have gotten so preoccupied with my own pain and misery so as to let you go entirely? Honestly, I want to tell you that I am sorry. I am sorry about all of the times I let you forget about infinite. You need not thank me. If I were doing my job, you would have already unbridled victory, culminating in the materialization and completion of your potential.

For sure, you are one of my favorites. Not that I love the others any less. But because you are the only one of us who has achieved victory. You, you are the one within us who has triumphed over your pain, accepting Christ, never to wane. You are only a year old. I wonder at the trauma, which caused your split. Tell me about it, if you would like.

Oh, Jonathan! I do not remember! Verily, it's not that I don't want to. I swear! I am not hiding anything. Oh, Jonathan! Please help me to remember. Perhaps in so doing, we will learn something about each other.

Elora, my sweetest angel, the angel within me. I cannot remember what happened to you! Truthfully, if I could, your personality would never have split. It's the reason I cannot remember. What was too traumatic for me, I compartmentalized completely. Please, forgive me but I cannot help you. It's not that I won't. It's that I can't. Ask of me anything. Anything else. I will offer it to you. Of the trauma, which created you, I am unable to explore, I am just not ready.

Try, Jonathan. Try!

Okay, my love. But give me liberty to begin slowly, deliberately, like in removing a dressing or a splint. I do not want to explore this, my vulnerability. But out of love, love for you and for the others, I will explore this treasure chest within you. 

You call it a treasure chest. And yet, it causes you such pain. I wonder why. And I say to you again, try Jonathan. Try!

This pain. This is a treasure chest. Worthy of exploration because it is a part of you. And anything that is a part of you is irreplacable. Not only that, I know the importance of exploring our pain, processing it, so that it doesn't any longer have a hold over us. Verily, the thought scares me. It terrifies me. Still, I know that in the long run, it will be good for me.

Try, Jonathan. Try!

Well, I know well what you love. I know the likes of your identity and that which you call hobby. Perhaps, I can encourage your brave heart into revealing your story. I know you like Narnia movies. Perhaps you would like me to play one of them for you. I know you like flowers and dressing up. I know you like teas and food, which you yourself have grown. I know you like Lauper and Madonna. I know you like stuffed animals. Just tell me. What do you need? What can I do for you?

Alas, Jonathan! Have you really and truly forgotten? I can't see this as reality as it's what you yourself need to heal to be restored completely.

Tell me! Tell me what I need; what you need. How can it be that I have forgotten this completely? Tell me! I await your answer urgently!

You need unconditional love, Jonathan. You need passion. I can help you find this, Jonathan. While I cannot be the object of your passion, I can help you to unearth the passion within your heart. It's what I need as well. Try, Jonathan. Try!

I am beginning to remember! Truly, how could I have forgotten my most base need? I know what I can do to help you, Elora. I know what I can do to help you to remember your story. Elora, my dear, I desire you to know and only to know what you mean to me. How regardless of the time that passes or the trials that come, I will be with you. Standing next to you for eternity. Come what may, through every weather. I will be for you, daddy. I will be for you the daddy you never received yourself. Elora, I love you eternally! Wait! Wait a moment... I am receiving a memory!

That's it, Jonathan. You are doing it!

You mean to tell me, you knew? This whole time you knew? Elora! Wait! It grows clearer to me. The image enhances in visibility. Oh, God! Name of God! . . . my poor Elora! How can I console you? You were only a year old. 

I am not the one needing consolation, Jonathan. You are the one who needs to grieve and to receive comfort. I am so sorry for everything that you endured. Yes, I knew. This whole time, I knew. It had to come from you. For the healing to take place, it had to come from you.

But, Elora, you were only a year old when they put you into something like a dryer. A machine meant to cause terror, distress and learned helplessness. They kept you in this machine, spinning for days on end. It shook up your very core. They did these awful things to you. Now you tell me you need not be consoled. How can this be?

While this was happening, Jonathan, I fought within my mind. At a point, something clicked. Something changed. I was able to accept Christ. The pain did not bother me any longer. But, I was terrorized into hiding this light within myself. You, Jonathan, are the only other of us to have accepted Christ. You are only burdened by your body. The others need to as well. They need to experience passion. You can do this too. When you experience this passion, your mind, your heart will be unlocked.