An update!

Seeing how a few of my last posts have been so scathing, I am writing this new post as an update on what I am doing in my life, my goals and my faith. Before I get into all that, I would like to say that it has been Jehovah’s will I tell my truth. It has been Jehovah’s will I share so much about my person. That way, you will know the evil that I am up against when their plan to humiliate me foils. Let them use this information against me. You have made your choice, haven’t you? Anyways, I just want to maintain the love in this journal. The last three posts have been rough. If you have read, thank you. If you’ve not read, I humbly and hesitantly encourage you to. You need to know, all of you, that in spite of the envy, in spite of the amnesia you all experience from time to time, you are doing an amazing job. Listen to me carefully when I say, Jehovah is not angry at you. Neither am I angry with you. On the contrary, Jehovah loves you enormously. More so for those who do His will and who have a proper heart condition. I also love you enormously. You need to know that I pray every day. For the Church. For the world. I apologize if I give off an angry demeanour. I’ll work more on it. You need, you all need to know that there is not a chance of Jehovah cursing this world. Jehovah loves this world enormously. Especially in these end times (not yet!) Jehovah desires the world to know His mercy and love. His wrath will come. When hearts are revealed. This gives me an idea for another blog post! But, know I pray for the reparation of the sins of the world, for the blessing of the world and for the Era of Peace. I also pray for you, my dear and special bullies.

For the past years I have been in Ottawa, I have been up to a lot. I have been faithfully attending the TLM at the church here that offers it. I am deeply in love with my faith. I have offered my services in the garden for the church as well as joining the Legion of Mary at the parish in early 2024. I took my promises over the relic of St Pope Pius X. I’ve been gardening at my place in the city. Actually had a couple of beautiful miracles in the garden. The first: In 2022, I found a small pepper plant discarded at the end of someone’s driveway. I took it home, nurtured it and planted it in the center of my garden. Well, by the end of the season, it produced about one hundred and fifty little peppers! It was only a small pepper plant! Second: This last season, I planted a watermelon plant, which did not bear fruit for the entire summer. Ants kept eating the flowers. Well, after the fall hit, one solitary melon sprouted, which I had to pluck before full maturity because of the frost. I didn’t have any hope for it. It was white as leprosy. Still, I resolved to eat it. It turned out sweet as a honeycomb. I had a couple of MRI’s a year ago, in 2024. It came out essentially clear, except for a few difficulties. My mental health, still, has been better. For the majority of my life, chunks of memory have been missing entirely. In 2019, my life began to come together. I started to regather the pieces and memories began returning to me. I have suffered with amnesia for most of my life. Owing mostly to the severe trauma I have endured. Even when I was thirteen, I wasn’t able to recollect pretty much my entire childhood. In 2022, I started getting to know my other selves. I started hearing voices. These voices are different from God’s voice when He speaks to me. When He does, you know. There is no mistaking. Anyways, I discovered that I am dissociative identity disorder. I have been spending the past year, diligently getting to know my alters and work to reintegrate them into my identity. You may ask, how can my mental health be better if this is the case? My entire life, I was like in a cloud. My identity never shaped. Getting to know my alters has been like getting to know entirely different people within myself. It has been like discovering a superpower. Mental illness? Hah! Discovering this has been more like a mental enhancement! Still, it comes with its drawbacks and definite disabling features. I am not one to be envied. If you knew what formed all of this, you would chew bitterly upon the leaf of envy. Anyways, I have also started physio. It’s been good and helpful and I think I am in a healthier frame of mind to receive the help. I also have discovered some incredible passions. Here in Ottawa, I began a while ago to make walking sticks. They are simple walking aids but quite distinctive and unique! I also have begun foraging. Collecting and dehydrating edible weeds and plants. This has opened a whole new world for me! At my beloved, state-surveilled house, I have been mopping and sweeping weekly, cleaning regularly and bringing the bins in after trash collection. I am a good roommate. Here: you cannot say I am living the same I was when younger. I am trying. I'm against a massive wall preventing me from flourishing. Can't you see, their whole message rests in the fact that I haven't changed. Here's a bit of Truth for you this morning: sin is most often not character trait. It's symptom. Yep, my room's messy. What are you trying to prove? By doing so, you may end up looking like massive fools.

I have also met my best friend in the entire world. I could not be in a better place. After she entered my life, my heart has been on fire with passionate flame. Everything I do is seasoned with love and so enriched by her filial love. She is also helping me to see myself the way that Jehovah sees me. I met my best friend just over a year ago. We have become incredibly close. And our friendship in spite of time passing, just seems to grow tighter and tighter. We share incredible intimacy and great joy when we are together. It is a chaste intimacy and we respect each other for the hearts that we possess. I am so thankful for her, for spending so much time, attention on me. I know I don’t deserve it. I thank Jehovah for her precious heart every day. She really is a great gift from heaven. I remember praying a couple of years ago, for a friend, a woman friend, one with whom I could develop a sort of chaste intimacy. I asked for such a thing in my prayers in honor of my dear wife who awaits me. I wanted to be loyal to her. Afterwards, I remembered my wife telling me, after it was discerned that we could not be together for the past several years (my heart breaks), that I could develop relationships with other women to have my needs met. I still look for a girlfriend. It’s tougher than nails! My best friend is the answer to my prayers. We have become so incredibly close to one another all the while being respectful. Truly, our friendship is probably more intimate than most marriages. I feel confident in saying this sort of love is true. It doesn’t happen very often. I encourage my readers to hear when I say that what made such intimacy and love possible was chastity. And our shared focus on Jehovah first. What a lucky man I am. If my heart has opened this much with chaste love, I cannot wait to see the way my soul responds when I am able to experience passion! Still looking. 

I have pursued my writing career. I have been applying for many jobs and offering my volunteer service to work. Since, I have yet been able to find a paying job, I continue to write. I have written two, full length novels and reinvigorated my blog. In addition, I have created another blog, which I document my creative writing and poetry and stories. I was an extra in a kid’s show a couple of weeks ago. What a brilliant experience! Since, I have signed up for a background work website and copy writing job board. Hopefully, more work will come along. Really, I am hoping sales for my novels take a genuine reflection of the sales I am making. For the time being, for whatever reason I cannot get employment, I commit myself to prayer and fasting for reparation of the sins of the world.

I discovered the TLM in Toronto for the first time. After, I experienced it in its beauty in Port Perry. I have to admit that I was a little confused at first. With the silence. I have grown in love and adoration for it. After my time at the religious community, I traveled to the nation’s capital where I discovered a parish offering exclusively the Latin Mass. I have been attending as often as I can. It’s incredibly easy to see the beauty and reverence in this form of worship. It never needed changing or updating. Hard to imagine how anyone could desire to do away with something so incredibly honoring to Jehovah and His Son Jesus. I was helping with cleaning the church for a while. It became a little strenuous for me and I stopped. Instead offering my service to the gardening at the church. What a joy that is. I raked and weeded and watered. I joined the Legion of Mary at the parish some months ago. In spite of the incredible obstacles that I myself still have from my disabilities and trauma, I want to share here how much of a blessing it is to share the gospel and love of God and Kingdom message with other people. It is an amazing gift and brings about great graces to be a channel of God’s love. Even more so when you are struggling yourself, I think. I encourage everyone reading to consider joining the Legion of Mary! While I truly believe that God’s favor is not overcome or won through works, I believe it is still quite a grace to offer service to Him in love. The Legion of Mary is an amazing place to learn how to evangelize and share the love of Jehovah.

 In addition, I have been introduced to the JW. Allow me to say that I am an incredibly strong Traditional Catholic. For what this means, considering the state of my church at the moment. Tradition never changes. I know that where I am at the moment, studying with the JW’s and going to Mass, is exactly where Jehovah desires me to be. I am receiving such valuable knowledge from them. I would actually recommend many Catholics study the Bible in the way they do. I am so incredibly blessed to have been studying with them for many months now. Their knowledge is tops. Some of it is interpretation on part of the governing body. I don’t agree with everything I learn. Actually, as they say, when further truth is revealed, we adapt. I have a feeling many further truths will be revealed in the coming days. It will be in Jehovah’s own choosing. Nothing I say could contribute to it. But, they are very Biblically based and cannot lose because of this. They have knowledge they need for salvation. Everything they need for salvation.

All in all, I feel I am doing the best with what I have. Considering that my life’s wings were severed in my development, I love myself, my life and those around me now. Oh, I forgot to mention! I’m sure that many people who knew me before I went to Madonna House can remember the fact that I was quite agitated when going out in public. This happened for over a decade in Toronto. I was very traumatized and hurt. At times, I’d have flashbacks in public and vocalize my distress. After my time at the religious community this has been entirely healed. It was a mental health problem and in response to stress but still, it troubled me an awful lot. I returned to Toronto a couple of times. When I did, they forgot my message (and were distracted by my bullies’ message) at first. After a couple of days, most people were very surprised to see me in my right mind! Sometimes, all healing requires is a little love and human intimacy. I can’t wait to see what Jehovah does for me when I experience the fullness of intimacy as Jehovah intended it. These are my needs and God’s will. I ain’t ashamed of it anymore. And I am no longer using my faith as a block for getting these needs met. You’re not going to shame me for having a sexuality anymore.

Remember, I am not angry with you. Jehovah ain’t angry at you. Blessing be coming. Try to prevent it. Try to hinder it. You just working against the will of God. Still, you need to know that Jehovah always wanted to bless me and reward me for what I endured for Him. He never wanted me to suffer more. Let God’s will be done. Blessing will come. Either way.