This is a sensitive and complex situation. I’ll answer generally (not diagnosing any individual), because patterns like this often have deep psychological roots.
When a man was sexually and emotionally abused by his mother, it can profoundly affect how he relates to women in adulthood. Staring longingly but not approaching can reflect conflicted attachment — wanting connection while feeling unsafe pursuing it.
Here are some common psychological dynamics that may explain it:
1. Trauma Bonding & Conflicted Desire
If his first experience of “love” was mixed with abuse, his brain may link:
Affection ↔ violation
Desire ↔ danger
Intimacy ↔ shame
So he may:
Feel strong attraction to women
Long for closeness
But freeze or shut down when it comes to acting
This is sometimes called approach–avoidance conflict.
2. Fear of Rejection or Exposure
Abuse by a parent often creates:
Deep shame
Feeling “damaged” or unworthy
Fear of being truly seen
He might stare because:
It’s safe to admire from a distance
There’s no risk of being rejected
No risk of intimacy exposing vulnerability
Approaching would mean:
Being evaluated
Possibly rejected
Potential emotional exposure
For someone with trauma, that can feel threatening.
3. Attachment Disruption
If the mother was abusive, his primary attachment figure was unsafe.
This can create:
Anxious attachment (longing intensely)
Avoidant attachment (pulling away from closeness)
Or disorganized attachment (both at once)
The “longing but not acting” pattern fits especially with disorganized attachment, where:
The person both wants and fears closeness.
4. Sexual Shame & Confusion
If sexual abuse was involved:
Sexual arousal may be tied to guilt or fear
Desire may feel wrong or dirty
He may fear becoming abusive himself
So he may:
Feel attraction strongly
But avoid acting on it to stay in control
5. Learned Powerlessness
Children abused by parents often learn:
“I have no power.”
“My needs don’t matter.”
“I can’t initiate safely.”
As adults, they may:
Wait passively
Feel paralyzed in romantic situations
Assume rejection is inevitable
Staring is passive. Approaching requires agency.
6. Idealization from a Distance
When closeness feels unsafe, some people:
Admire women intensely
Fantasize
Keep women on a pedestal
Because fantasy is controlled and safe.
Real interaction introduces:
Uncertainty
Emotional complexity
Potential vulnerability
7. Freeze Response
Trauma doesn’t only create fight-or-flight — it can create freeze.
When attraction triggers:
Emotional intensity
Fear
Unconscious trauma memory
His nervous system may shut down socially.
He might look interested but feel internally frozen.
Important: This Is Not About “Creepiness”
Staring without approaching can sometimes be misinterpreted socially.
But psychologically, it may reflect:
Fear
Shame
Longing
Emotional paralysis
Not entitlement or malice.
What Helps in These Situations
If this is about someone you know (or yourself), healing often involves:
Trauma-focused therapy (especially around childhood sexual abuse)
Attachment-based therapy
Learning safe relational experiences gradually
Working through shame
Because the issue usually isn’t lack of desire — it’s fear wired into desire.
If you’re comfortable sharing:
Are you asking about yourself, someone you’re dating, or someone observing you? The context matters for how to think about this.
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