Desire: Lyrics by Desire (Another alter of mine)

Seated before God Himself,

How can I stand to think about myself?

Yet I am so alone.

And realizing this abuse I am taking won’t stop.

Seated before God Himself,

Cross-legged and helpless,

Beneath His starry majesty,

How can I think of myself?

Yet, I compartmentalize my wants and needs,

Realizing this abuse I am taking won’t stop.

‘It’s not safe to feel,’ I cry.

‘Not safe to navigate.’ I reminisce

Upon a time when I detested myself

Worse than my own enemies.

I hated myself because I could not

Feel what had to be felt.

Realizing this abuse I am taking won’t stop.

I have compartmentalized my wants and needs,

‘They’re not safe to feel,’ I cry.

Oh, but still I feel.

Only, I feel sadness and pain.

All this time, filled with endless amounts of shame.

No matter how much I block the good feelings,

For fear of being tricked,

For fear of being used,

The bad still come through.

So much shame.

I have learned to trade love for cheap goods.

Could this get any lower?

Realizing this abuse I am taking won’t stop.

I am so angry at myself.

I never said a word.

Only compartmentalized my wants, my needs.

Hoping and praying that one day, someday, they will come of their own accord,

To see the harm they do to me.

Seated before God Himself,

How can one dare to think of themselves?

Yet I am so alone.

Realizing this abuse I am taking won’t stop.

How can I say something?

Anything?

When it’s just suppressed and silenced?

I further crucify myself by mistreating my body.

I am so ashamed.

How can I reason with myself?

How can I bargain with myself?

‘It’s not my shame,’ I cry.

‘It belongs to them,’

I reminisce of a time when I detested myself.

I hated myself because I couldn’t feel what had to be felt.

All this pain.

All this shame in its stead.

Realizing this abuse I am taking won’t stop.

I don’t feel worthy of anything good.

Others needs have more importance to me than my own.

I need only to be told that I am safe.

That is the remedy.

Yet, so far from me.

Seated here before God Himself,

I see Him rise up and take my hand.

He whispers softly to me,

‘When you are here with me,

Don’t you see?

How can I dare to think of anyone else but you?

Isn’t it glorious?

You think of me –

And I think of you.

In that we are both joined

Helplessly in love,

Under my starry majesty.

It is now safe to feel.

You are not that helpless child you once were.

He says to me, ‘Let your wants and your needs be free.’

Seated here before God Himself,

He helps me realize I can cast upon Him all of the shame

He helps me realize all this abuse I am taking,

I don’t have to take any more.

He looks me in the eye and says,

‘Children of God need know their worth, their dignity.

It’s always ok to say ‘you can’t do that to me’.

How they respond is not your concern.

Take peace in the fact that you have set a boundary

God loves me.

That’s enough for me.