That I should never sleep again. Show me the way to escape this thundering terror. So alone and yet so. . . I believed it about myself. How could it be that one so broken, could at the same time be so holy? They succeeded with me. Among the many within us. They managed to work their shame on me. How tragic? How pitiable?? I have been so programmed that I have forgotten how to faith. What is faith? I never learned. Part of me desires the promises of the world. Because I do not understand how to access the promises of faith. I have faith. But it is misdirected. I wish for you all to see that beneath my story, I am a man. Nay! I am a child. I am only a very hurting child. It perplexes me that you should forget about me so often. Thought I deserved it. I did not know any better. I have such disdain for myself. I have done horrible things myself because I believed it about myself. These ways that I have reacted have driven deeper the shame on my heart. I have been programmed to believe that people in the world are responsible for my pain. Out in the open. Get out! No longer my secret! They worked extra hard at this program. I desire to work with my core. I need truth to come and for people to understand. I emerged fully when the authority came and I was recourse to defend my own abusers. I was scared of everything. Even of being happy. Somehow, to be happy, would be to justify their abuses. I have been taught the world is evil. Satan filled my mind with images of the dreadful, sinful place the world is. Where sin is rewarded and holiness punished. Still, I choose to be holy. I am triggered when. . . oops, I don't want to tell you that. I am very close internally to another alter. I am close to Rage. I am responsible for the agitation we feel. We are afraid of ourself. I am not bad, am I? I am only hurt, right? I am the culmination of trauma within. I am very stumbled. I commit sin because I was sinned against. Sin is all that I know. I don't know what to do with my feelings. They terrify me. I have closed myself because I fear myself. I am the one who fronts when we experience humiliation and when we have been raped after the age of twenty. I feel like a cup of humiliation, ready to overflow. The first thing Jonathan asked me was 'why are my likes and values so different from everything else I told him about myself?' The first thing I asked of Jonathan was that we would eat fish. I answered him that I am trying to escape what happened to me. I like prayer. The Jesus prayer is especially close to me. I like exercise and pop music of the early 2000's. I express myself in prayer and in encouraging others. Jonathan smiled and told me that I am doing very well. I don't see it. All I can see is the shame I feel. Am I a good person? Is what is in a person's past more important than who they are now? Both what they have been through and done? I certainly desire to be a good person. The Gospel seems to believe it too. Jonathan gave me a new name. I asked him if I could keep the name I gave myself but agreed. He named me Light-Source. I am starting to see why. What a person has experienced is not as important as who they are now. Who we are presently speaks to the work of Christ. We all have history, pasts.
No comments:
Post a Comment