On Staring:

I had prepared an extensive list of reasons and justifications for why I stare at people. Or why people think I am staring at them. I decided to remove them all. To be honest with you, it's none of your business. I don't have to justify myself. Jehovah will justify me. I don't owe you a single thing. As a matter of fact, I have already given just about as much as I can to this world in terms of my life blood, privacy and service. The only thing I will say is that I am really hurt. I am not evil or plotting schemes. I have a lot of shame about my sexuality. I have a lot of anxiety. It's what causes me to look at everyone. And yes, I look at everyone. I even stare at everyone. I will allow God to judge between us. If I am right, may Jehovah prove it. But, I am really done and tired of trying to justify myself to a world, which forgets about me at every single minute. I know I stare at people. There are many, many reasons for it. Every single one of them just as real as the next. I'm sorry if you felt violated by my eyes. Lol. (Keep reading to discover why I laughed). I assure you there is absolutely no malice or even lust. I am only admiring in some cases. 

I honestly feel as though the way people are responding to this phenomenon is only making it terribly amplified. Let's face it, it may not be too big of an issue. It may simply be that people are hyper sensitive to me because of my past history. Justifiably, probably. I have apologized for my past literally as many times as I have forgiven my abusers. It is not in self-love to continue grovelling for mistakes I commit decades ago. I will not get on my knees for you, Satan, who is trying to destroy me. Soon, God will prove me inculpable for everything. 

Because we feel someone is acting sinful, does not mean it is sinful. This is the sort of stuff I mean, which is amplifying the situation: I can't count the number of times I had been in a mall or something and I look briefly at a woman, turn my eyes away quickly, only to see this woman out of the corner of my eye, give me a dirty look or stare at me to see if I would look back. 

Just because people are looking in your direction does not mean they are staring at you. Also, because someone is staring at you does not mean they are lusting. There are literally thousands of reasons it could 

be the case. Naturally, if someone is staring at you in the way people do to me, one is tempted to return the stare. I understand why people would like me to be a sinner. For if I were a sinner presently, it would undermine the integrity of my message. I say with love, God knows my conscience and it is clear. I am the first to acknowledge both my sinful past and nature. But, by the grace of God, I am living (well, I think) a life in a state of grace. I have been chaste, with a continually improving struggle, for over five years. 

This, what I am about to write is not justification or reason. I am writing it so that people can see how complex the human mind and psyche truly are. It is applicable to many, many people in this world. And it is evidence that we need to consider the context of a life before we judge it. For after all, what concrete evidence is there in psychology? Hmm? Well, it's either there or it's not. It often is dependant upon the state of people's hearts to see. You see it or you don't. Just. . . like. . . truth. This is what I am about to say:

What are people’s expectations when someone walks in front of you? I feel like I have autism. I feel so baffled by people sometimes. I try to stare in a fixed spot ahead of me in order to avoid staring. Naturally, if you assess your perceptions honestly, the instinctual thing a person does when their eyes are open is to follow the train of action. In other words, if something is moving in front of you, the eyes naturally gravitate towards it. To avoid this, because I get a feeling it weirds people out, I try to stare in a fixed spot while people pass me. If I notice that this captures their attention, I continue staring in order to try to make it clear that I am not staring at them. I don’t know what you expect. Still, no one has brought this to my attention that it bothers them. And so, I shall continue to do it. All you have to do is communicate.

Here's one more: Surely, I can’t be the only one who looks at people’s profiles on social media. I do it out of curiosity. When I like what they post, when I respect and like them, I look back to see if they’ve posted more. Yes, I am attracted to them. I am not doing what it is you think that I am doing. Do you think that the reason you are suspicious is because you have access to what I am doing? This is what I mean by the societal moral decay, which results from this type of surveillance. This technocracy has created a new and absurd system of rules and guidelines to enter our culture. They are not thought through well at all. Social media creeping? Name of God. Again, a healthy culture, a healthy heart wouldn't care. Maybe it is technology and internet culture, where things have gone wrong. We should be focussing on the real world. Anyways, I am and have been chaste. My conscience is clear as a cleaned windowpane. 

Because, if you were all honest, you know for fact that every single one of you has done the exact same thing. Not to justify it. But, again, it is really not so big a deal. There is nothing to justify. Violation involves physical contact. We do not violate people merely by the way we look at them or by looking at their pictures. 'Sticks and stones may break my bones. Words will never hurt me.' We need toughen up. Guys! But it's more than that isn't it? We need to heal. Collectively. Isn't it?

Surely, I can't be the only person who does this. When we are looking for things to be negative, it is a certainty that we will find them. I’m wondering what would be found on any five random people’s private computers. That’s not a pointed statement or a judgement, but rather to illustrate that we are all subject to this temptation. Relative to the nature of our own levels of trauma experienced. I know and really, greatly respect the people who don’t have any of that on their computers. How does your internet viewing history look? I’m not saying this to shame you but rather to inspire your introspection. I will say very proudly that I have not viewed pornography for the past eight years.

A while ago, at church, my gaze happened upon a woman as she entered the church. My gaze rested upon her to see what she was doing. I looked away. As more people entered, I did the same thing with them. Until, a man entered and sat next to this woman I looked at. As he was entering, I could sense him staring at me with kind of a grin on his face. He leaned over and spoke into this woman’s ear. She looked over at me. It was clear that he had seen me from the back of the church looking at her and that she was close to him. Listen man, I do this with everyone. There’s nothing to it. I am chaste as a Carthusian monk. If my eyes wander, you know what my soul needs for my liberation. Still, choosing to repress my sexuality. It’s not the first time I have noticed men and boyfriends pointing out to their girlfriends that I was staring at them. 

It’s kind of like the young girls who angle their computer cameras to get a glimpse of me looking at them so they can say I was staring at them. It’s not only envy. I get it. There is a sense of repressed justice. Trust me, wait until you find out just how common this sin is. When the truth comes out! If I am a sinner now, it justifies all of the present injustices I am enduring. I get the envy. Luckily, I have some experience with dealing with jealous people. With that movie made about me. I still do not know how to navigate it fully. It boggles my mind. Because if you saw what I endured for this, you would say, ‘Oh!’ 

Look, guys, I don't know how to explain this phenomenon. So, quite often, I will turn about and see young girls looking at me suspiciously out of the corner of their eyes, over phone cameras or webcams in their computers. I will see them staring at me in this way until by some fluke chance I happen to glance in their direction. When I look at them, they snarl or smirk and giggle. It's as though they are waiting for me to look in their direction in order to capture a photo of me looking at them. Are you saying that I am staring at you? Yes, it's true. I stare. And yes, it's true that I am attracted to younger women. But this is accentuating the issue, making problems where there were none. Do you think that perhaps our society is a little hyper vigilant? A healthy person doesn't mind if someone looks at them. 

Even in the cases where I do stare, I don't know how to tell you why this is not a sin. I wish I could articulate how what happened to me has affected me. It's not so much how it has affected me. It's that what I suffered, I suffered for God. Yes, my childhood was formed to be a very specific person. God asked me to endure what I endured. The formation was my abuser's choice, not mine. All I suffered was for God. Yep, it involved sin on my part. It's because of my formation. It was stumbled. Listen friends, if what I am saying means nothing, it will come to nothing. Don't let your envy overcome you. Control yourselves. Don't allow the story of Joseph to be reenacted. 

I am pouring out my heart. I need help. First of all, a nocturnal emission is not a mortal sin. In spite of what jealous people will say and lead you to believe. Secondly, you have no business airing my sins publicly. Or finding loopholes to air the nature of my sin. This is excommunicable. At its point of origin within the Church. I am very wounded sexually. Yes, we know that the center of identity of a person is their sexuality. We know that wounds of a sexual nature can form a person along a path. These wounds can form conscience and life path. I experience a lot of shame from what I been through. My sexuality is not bad. Nobody's is. Every sexuality is formed. Look, I am not a religious. I am not a monk. I am not forcibly celibate. On the contrary, I need a lot of comfort. I need to know sexuality is not evil. God wanted me to experience passion before my death. This is because of the witchcraft darkness used against me when I was a kid. It's the only way for me to break it. Is by experiencing passion. 

What is sin? Some sins are not as mortal for other people. Sins of a sexual nature are not as sinful for me because of what I endured growing up. Yep, there have been many sins I have committed. I confessed them all. Certain sins are not culpable for me. Even premarital sex is not sinful. I await to see if this is a circumstantial situation for me only. Because of what I endured growing up. Wait. You'll see. God will prove it. Guys, why do you think God wants to hinder love? There is no sin in curiosity. In spite of the fact that I don't even think masturbation is a mortal sin for me, I remain completely chaste over five years. 

When you understand wounds, you understand what it means to comfort. This is not out there. Just the same, when you discover what y'all have been through, your eyes gonna' soften towards sexuality too. It's the reason that when I am healed, after I return, I will have a number of wives. Still, there is a paradox for me in overcoming this hex. My sexuality is very wounded. I fear women. The only woman I don't fear is married. I cannot initiate because I cannot trust quickly. I am dreadfully ashamed of my sexuality. There is no reason for it. I am and have been completely celibate as a choice for almost ten years. I have repressed my sexuality. I can feel myself feeling the need to uphold this repression because I'm trying to prove to people I am not a threat. This is just warped and twisted. It is not of God. I am hurt... I know I am not a threat. It really isn't helping that people villainize me every week or every other day because they are forgetting because of the half truths and lies of my abuser narcissists. Remember, no one has the right to form their experiences except for the one who lived them. Do not listen to people who are trying to convince you that they know better about the lived experiences of someone than them themselves. That is control.

I was only reacting as a kid. I need help. I need help with my sexuality. How do I explain in language that children could understand that some sins are not as sinful for certain people. Guys, open your heart. Let me think of an analogy that might resonate with you. To begin with, let me say that God wanted me to be happy, to experience passion before my death because what I suffered, I suffered for him. There was a lot of shame and fear associated with the trauma I endured. So, from a human perspective, from a loving human perspective, if a child was traumatized repeatedly by onions in infancy, would the society around him, subject him to onion torture for the rest of his life? They may be indifferent. Chances are, a healthy society would seek to help this kid out. Especially if dealing with onions were a fundamental part of functioning within society. Set aside the original sin in your hearts. I know you all seek what is distant from God and seek to hurt people naturally. This is not the case with God. So, if a child suffered sexually as an infant through his adolescent years, how would God want him to reintegrate? How much more if the child suffered what he endured for the glory of God? For everyone else in the world? 

I understand, your sense of justice is being triggered. How could this child ask for help in this intimate regard now, considering this child acted out in the same way and hurt other people? It's all about culpability. How I acted out, I was not culpable for. So, let's say a child was sent to war. A loving society might do everything they could to reintegrate it into society. It's all about love. How a society views its vulnerables and its littles. I am not saying anything outlandish. It is your heart which needs a revamp. Pray on it. Or don't. God will show you. If a perfect society were to help a child reintegrate into society after once and gone trauma, how much more would God desire to help a child reintegrate into society after extended sexual trauma. Thinking about it all, it really is a heart issue. Our society has lost heart. Inherently, compassion is a western trait. Empathy for wounded people is a trait evident in Western cultures and within white cultures. The infiltration of other cultures to Canadian culture has eroded a sense of heart for people who are wounded. Let us remember our heart as a culture. It's not racist. It's simply that Christian cultures tend to be much more compassionate. As opposed to other cultures. It is not that only white people can be compassionate. It's just that Christian cultures tend to express empathy more. St Kateri, St Bakhita, St Martin de Pores. There are always exceptions to this rule. Keep persecuting me. I can take it.

God wanted me to experience love and life before my departure. I chose to suffer for His glory in my youth. I’m kind of embarrassed about what I sacrificed because I didn’t feel worthy. I never got the rehabilitation that I needed for what happened to me. What would have happened if truth about what was happening to me came out when I was a young boy, a teenager after that injury? People’s reaction would have been very different. I need to know that sexuality was not bad. I am very hurt this way. The core of my identity is really hurt by what happened to me. The way to heal this is only through passion and intimacy. Everyone has sexuality. This is the reason I keep looking at women. There is nothing evil in admiring beauty and in being curious. In a way, I am hoping they will see the truth about what happened to me and feel some compassion. This is the reason, every three months, I am waken almost forcibly by sleep disturbances. I have not used porn in almost a decade. This is still the case. With one slip. I am just craving passion, love so badly. My heart is bursting. I shared these experiences with past SD’s. They seem uninterested in the fact that it almost happens against my will, in sleep and each time that the Lord comes to me. There is a satanic contract over my soul that I never experience passion, which I cannot break on my own. 

I think you might be misunderstanding. I am not called to celibacy and chastity. Regardless, I have been living as such since I started at the religious community. Consistently, every three months, I experience these wretched sleep disturbances, which trigger me and make me feel filthy. The whole world is not called to chastity and celibacy. If this were the case, procreation would be much rarer. 

What is mortal sin for one person may not be as mortal for the next. All I am saying. I used to believe that the reason I couldn’t accomplish the will of God was because I did not feel worthy. Truth is, my soul is wounded. Because of what happened to my body. I need help. By the way, again, it is excommunicable for confession sin matter to be disclosed. You know I am a changed heart. Every way that I reacted I have ceased. It’s only in this special and sacred way that I need to care for.

I have taken a personal vow of celibacy since 2017. I have been chaste for six years. This vocation is kind of forced upon me because of my childhood. To be honest, I am scared to death of women, especially intimacy. It is a result of being traumatized by a close female figure. Still, I have found great purpose and grace and blessing in this vocation. Actually, creativity can be harnessed and remarkably channeled through chastity. Chastity is a remarkable tool of growth. Because it is lived out for and in Jesus. I know if God desires for me to be blessed by affection, love, intimacy and union, what can stop His will. Thanks Jehovah, I have a beautiful wife waiting for me. Until then, I am married also to Jesus. I am married to our Lady. It is not a sin to be curious. It is not a sin to admire beauty. Though, what is beautiful outside may not be beautiful inside. Chastity is just not what I am called to. 

I see now. I see how difficult it must be to be around me at times. I will stand by everything I said in that last paragraph. But God has given me an insight into how I react at times. Again, I feel strongly that how I am reacting are simply common defense mechanisms now. Maybe I should not be staring at people. I only want to encourage you to see that maybe, if we were in a healthy psychological disposition, would it really be such a terrible violation? Here: We are all wounded in these ways. We are all, every one of us acting out out a place of reaction and fear. Even anger. Yes, we are all searching for justice. This is the matter. We need to take a different approach to healing. Sexuality is not evil. Name of God, it needn't be suppressed. Again, there are those who are called to this pillar of a vocation. Jehovah bless them! But the majority of us are not called to religious vocation. If we were, human growth would plummet. Hah! I wonder what is actually happening! Today, we have millions of young men and women who have never even experienced dating or a kiss. This is criminal! It's a travesty. Do not be fooled by this overpopulation nonsense. Our world can more than inhabit billions more. We need to get away from the city. Go, go forth and multiply. Perhaps, you do not want to bring children into the world so close to the end of things. Is this your situation? Reader! I am screaming to you for you to hear what I say! The end is indeed near. But it is not at the door. Things can certainly get so much better first. Do you believe this? Come on! Name of God. Do not belly up on our culture yet! Do not commit spiritual suicide!

I am trying to prevent being hurt before it happens by being aware. People think I only have a common anxiety. As though I am making a choice to worry. I am very traumatized. What am I to say if the Church doesn't recognize the fact that people can be wounded emotionally and psychologically? (In fact, I am sure it does. You will see as you read more with a new understanding.) The Bible neither documents the details of people's physical wounds. The Word did not detail the wounds that Goliath or Samson suffered. The Word details Jesus' passion but it is not a medical report. This information may just be very important and it would be folly and not in love to ignore it. 

I get you though. I understand your position. I will humble. I deserve whatever you will give to me because of my sins. Just because someone has lived a nearly completely righteous life for the past eleven years does not mean he is no longer a sinner. I recognize my sinful nature. I trust God to do with this what He will. I’m sorry I couldn’t do better. But maybe you are just being hyper sensitive because of my past. I am not the threat that you think I am. Just very hurt in this regard.

I am telling you, we are all committing sexual sins. Every single one of us. We are also all wounded. Sexually. I'm telling you, taking out our frustration on one person is not the solution. When healing comes, we will be liberated. Every single one of us. There will be a sexual liberation. It will be glorious. Just wait! There will be an undoing of people's wounds and confusion. Even the physical effects of this confusion will be reversed, by the grace of Jehovah. People do not need to be shamed sexually. Every one of us has already experienced this too much in childhood. The only way to healing this is collectively. We cannot do it ourselves. We cannot do it in a bubble. We need to throw away the porn, the dolls, the robots, the AI. This is not the cause of the problem. The cause of the problem is deeper. But these things fuel the problem. The problem is that what people are considering love is actually abuse. This starts in families. 

Now where can we find this healing? It is not entirely for me to say as it is on a personal level. Not only that. It is a healing, which Jehovah Himself will orchestrate. When He reveals to all both what you have been through and how it has affected you. Remember, it's all about the heart. A healthy heart thinks about things differently than a sick and wounded heart. Maybe you don't really even need to know this. It's the glory of God after all. The reason I am telling you is because I am affected too. I am just as wounded in this way. Actually much more. The reason why I am not able to seek what I need to heal. Where will this healing be found? Sexuality exploration for some (in healthy environments), emotional intimacy for others, exploration of touch and affection for others, still sexual chastity for others who are called to that. All of it will be a very personal and glorious event. It will not simply be an event. It will translate to a lifestyle. It will last as long as the heart lasts. There will be a healing of people. Sexually, emotionally, physically and spiritually. Certain aspects of sexual expression will cease. What can we do while we wait this glorious healing? We can work on healing our hearts. We can work on filling our hearts with love and positivity. We can work on seeking to help the other in ways they may need help. We can work on our spiritual inner children. 

I don't want to be hurt more. Why do you feel I don't have the right to speak? The same people who call me a creep for staring a bit too long are the same people who are spying on every single thing that I do, hatching evil schemes and who have cameras in my rooms. Remember this. All I know is this cloud of sickness and corruption in this world. I don't understand why humanity has just bellied up. It is not biblical to commit cultural or spiritual suicide. I don't want to be hurt more. All I see is this corruption and the way God views it. I don't know a thing about your schemes and ploys. I am, despite my past, quite pure and simple. I am a threat to nobody. All I see is how you have mishandled God's world.

About me, I write this so you may gain a little bit of insight into the differents of society. Into the world of those pushed off into the corner and marginalized for their strange behavior. Not necessarily criminals. If we look at ourselves honestly, with honesty, we will be able to see the fact that we are, every one of us, just as guilty as Hitler. We are, the lot of us, just as criminal. Even if it is pure, we will be able to have a new perspective on this strange behavior. I am the first to admit that I have a lot to learn about a lot of things. The things I know, I know from wisdom God has given me. Yes, sometimes I repeat things I have heard. Common sense is universal. Even though it doesn't belong to all. Common sense does not belong to anyone. It is wisdom.  We are all sinners. These commandments, even in Jesus' teaching are impossible to keep. We try. We fail. All of us. Every single one of us. Have mercy.