We live in a world affected by original sin. So, I am positing that people do not get old and worn out because of age. Biblically, it is a thing, which should never, ever happen. Yes, to a degree, aging is a thing. You need to understand that it has only become a thing since original sin has progressed so far. Thousands of years ago, our ancestors lived for thousand years. How then, does a person grow old and tired and have illnesses as they age? It all has to do with foundation. When a person is young, the more they endure, the weaker they will be later in life. Trauma will come. Always. It's often about how we respond to it. Pain endured in love is pain that is integrated and processed. Pain that is resisted, on the other hand, is the cause for all kinds of concern. This is the cause of illness, stress, hair loss. This is the key to original sin. We need to feel our emotions that are trapped. This is the reason why I have so many problems today. It's the reason I am like an old man. It's also the reason why I will receive complete healing when I am given the chance to feel the grief that is in me. Thank you for making me into a #saintinaday. It's not about age. Name of God! Is this new information? Give it some time. This is the reason it is so unjust what you have planned for me. You didn't even want to prosecute my abusers because they were old and weakly. Anyways, thank you for making me into a #saintinaday. It's about how we were raised. How important then is it to a) teach our children to endure pain and trauma in love and b) ensure our children are built up well. It's the reason I need help. It's the reason why what we do in this life is not important to God as the heart. I posit affirmatively that anyone with a good heart and a good foundation could conquer the world.
Suffering processed, still, is very, very valuable. As a matter of fact, it is suffering, which teaches us to love. Suffering endured in Jehovah through His Son Jesus, can make us unbelievably strong, resilient and bold. Who can blame a child who doesn't know Jehovah for not enduring pain in Him? The more suffering we endure, which is effectively felt and lived with, the more we can love. Am I really speaking to deaf ears? Who will listen to your message, Lord? This is why I was meant to rule the world with love. Had I had the chance to express these feelings when I was a child, I would have unlocked this love a lot sooner. Talents and gifts, which are not nurtured and cultivated, stay hidden. It's why only at the age of forty, upon meeting a very, very good friend, have I been able to express some of this love. And why it has emerged so passionately.
Luke 6:47-49
Everyone who comes to me and hears my words and does them, I will show you what he is like: he is like a man building a house, who dug deep and laid the foundation on the rock. And when a flood arose, the stream broke against that house and could not shake it, because it had been well built. But the one who hears and does not do them is like a man who built a house on the ground without a foundation. When the stream broke against it, immediately it fell, and the ruin of that house was great.”
You believe that because my sins are coming out first, I am being punished or somehow it is a fulfillment of God's justice. I am telling you, wait for the secret sins. Wait until you all discover what is lurking in your closets. It is, from a heavenly standpoint, kind of a blessing that my sins are coming out first. It offers me the opportunity to humble and to work through these sins so that I will not be hit by a brick in purgatory. No, it is not punishment that my sins are brought forth first. On the contrary, we live in satan's dominion. Another aspect of theology my JW friends have absolutely correct. Yes, this world matters. Like what we do with our lives, this world and dominion matters to Jehovah. The reason my sins are coming out first is because Satan is trying to kill me. With the wisdom that everybody is committing these sorts of crimes, why then do you presume, certain people are chosen as pillars to have their crimes brought forth? I can't be certain, but I will say that the holier the person, the more intense the spiritual assault will be. The worldly person believes that following Jehovah will lead to worldly blessings. You want to believe this because you want to believe that you have earned your riches, your blessings. I assure you that we are all sinners, every one of us. These blessings, these riches could tumble in an instant. It's because this has gone on for so long that Satan is being permitted to test me. The only thing which separates you from seeing the truth in what I am saying is a hard heart. You lack compassion. Merited, you are doing nothing wrong by following the law of Biblical wisdom. I think you may find, in years to come that what I was saying was also interpretable from Biblical wisdom. It's not the Law you are lacking. You are lacking heart. You are lacking mercy. You are lacking compassion. For, who is to deny that following the advent of the Messiah, Grace has replaced law? Mercy has replaced sacrifice. Love has replaced fear. Indeed, in years to come, months to come, you will see that everything I was saying was simply common sense. Moral culpability, from a Faith-filled perspective, sin, sexuality, the importance of Christian childhood and foundation. You will see it in context with the rest of the Bible. That even the Law mustn't be applied as a blanket rule at the expense of compassion and at the expense of love. It is only love that seeks to apply the Law with knowledge of where people are coming from. Your religious leaders cannot see this because they are blinded. They are distracted by my sin and ignore their own sin. You will see the reason we are instructed not to judge. You will see the reason Jehovah loves sinners even more than religious leaders. Biblical Truth, applied without love is no longer truth. It becomes pharisaical. That's all. I acknowledge the reason for this may be the obscurity of what I am saying. I promise you it's true. Can you really not see it? Do you really refuse to see it? I may pretend to know a lot of things. Some I don't know. I will admit it. Some, still, I have certainty about. With the persistence God has set in my case, is it really difficult to see that He is moving? I am humble enough to acknowledge that I do not deserve the love God has shown me but proud enough to claim that love boldly and to recognize who He says I am. The only thing preventing this is envy. The only thing preventing this is politics. Wait, you will see your own sinfulness. Even the religious leaders shall tremble when they see their own sinfulness. Wait!
A child's conscience is shaped by what they endure in the first years of life. A child is born with limitless possibility. Not only a blank slate, tabula rasa but also, exponentially affected by the influence of the world around them. When a child endures satanic abuse as an infant, this corrupts their entire understanding of the world. This sort of abuse is happening all over the world. It is an abomination. This article is not about this. But the effects of it are plaid world over.
In addition to aging, repressed emotions are the cause of an enormous host of problems. The concept that repressed emotion causes unwanted consequences is neither mine nor is it new. Here is the truth: We all have repressed memories. We all have repressed emotions. Even the pope. Even the president. This is what I want to say: repressed emotions are the root cause of every health problem we face today. From balding to big stomachs, to cancer, to diabetes and arthritis. Even if it is not the root cause, like in the case of virus, the underlying cause can be traced to immunity. Do you not think these virus have existed since the beginning? Since the fall, actually. Stress negatively influences natural immunity.
From a psychological perspective - mind you: I'm no psychologist, simply using the Jehovah given wisdom He has given me - I can affirm without hesitation that bonding and attachment are essential to childhood development. As for the chemical and even partially biological standpoint as to why, I couldn't tell you. What I do know is that this is where children are moulded in these early years. This is such a key area of development. If God desires a person to become who He wants him to become, who can prevent that? Of course. It is only a mystery to those hard of heart that the way a child is raised will directly influence the way they choose to live and approach life. It may not even be a choice. For in point of scientific fact, toxic trauma and stress in this bonding period for children has been shown to create impediment and disability in children. This is the point in life where developmental trauma forms. It's the period where a whole host of mental illness is created. Even if observable, outright disability is not cultivated as a result of these bonds being broken, difficulty for the child in these bonding periods can lead to impediment in less observable ways. The point: toxic stress and abuse during infancy can cause disability for the child later in life. Ephesians 6:4 states, "Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord." Of course, discipline is naturally a different thing from abuse. Discipline seeks to build up. It is guided and loving correction when the child has misstepped. It is not punishment simply for being. Which is abuse. Again, discipline is a good thing: Proverbs 29:15 states, "The rod and reproof give wisdom, but a child left to himself brings shame to his mother." What is the difference between wise discipline and abuse? It's easy enough for others to assess this. However, most of these crimes are never commit in the broad daylight. Which is why I am encouraging all children to make your voices heard if this is happening to you. I promise you that a time and place is coming when it will be safe to do so and you will get the help you need. Even in this present system. The assumption that we all have the same capacity for choice and in terms of sin culpability assumes that we all have had the same foundation. It assumes that we all come from the same place. It's not. None of us have the same head start in this life.
The effects of a negative foundation are as vast as sand on a beach. Here, again, I am no doctor. I say with certainty that toxic stress causes damage. At times, permanent damage. I remember saying once that just like with an amputated limb, serious emotional and social wounds can develop as a result of early childhood trauma. How much more would be the case when these wounds are caused by a person with whom the child would naturally bond? It's really a matter of the heart. If you do not have heart, how can you see that a child needs to be cared for? Just the same, if you do not have heart, how can you see that a wounded man needs to be cared for and comforted? I can though, offer an analogy. Think of a young boy. Heck, even of an older person. It is always prudent for the parents of that young boy to take him to use the jon before they go out or are anticipated to be somewhere without access to jon. If we do not use the jon or lead the child to use the jon before, we may be very uncomfortable during the time without access. We may even have an accident! This analogy could be applied to money management. Couldn't it? Actually, precisely. No?
Heck, analogy can be made about this in pretty much every biological area around this. For think of the comparison of teeth. Or plants. Teeth, if we are to care for them when we are young, grow well. They become strong and do not fall out until we are very, very old. Or a tree. If planted well, if tended well and if given the support it needs to grow tall, it will grow strong and tall. Did I really have to write all of this to persuade you it is Biblical?
God bless you. You tell me to be a man. I've had to relearn twice. I've had to relearn breathing and swallowing water. I'm comfortable with who I am. And it takes a lot to go through so much and still have hope. Bless you for saying that. Traditional gender roles are a perfect area to assess as an example of why childhood foundation is so integral. The masculine, macho male image is beyond inappropriate for our culture, our world. There is enormous amount of shame in this concept. Shame perpetuated by employers, by teachers and most of all by parents and friends. This is heresy right here: That men bottle up their emotions to the point of collapse or break. Listen! We are not doing ourselves or society any good by instructing our men to not express their emotions. I get it. They get it. Soon, they will see the reason you are preventing my blessings is because of your envy and because of my politics. Yes, men have a responsibility to be in control of their emotions. How do you think this is accomplished? Being in control of our emotions? Huh? It's simple. We've got to feel them through. Being conscious of them is the only way. I am indeed attracted to younger women. I am not ashamed of it. I've really only experienced shame in terms of my sexuality over the entire course of my life. I've never had an opportunity to grow it or nurture it. Look, once people reach a certain age, they are able to reason and make judgement for themselves. I am attracted to adults. The power dynamic you see, simply does not exist. I am a threat to nobody. I have been chaste for almost ten years. Feminism, while noble in a way, has caused so many problems. I understand. If what I am claiming is true, it will make many degree and many business defunct. When I was younger, women approached men, took the time to share their own intentions with men. This animosity and victimhood did not exist.
Something I explained in past literature was the reason I have had such difficulty in the course of my life. Here, I explained that a reason I lived the life I had is because of the choices I had made in Heaven. My emotions were not functioning in my time in heaven. Had they been, I would have chosen the glorious life God had prepared for me when I was very, very young. I explained that, "For those guided by the Spirit, at a point in one’s life, spiritually we are offered to choose a path. The choice we are offered on this path is significantly affected by the weight of how we feel about ourselves, how we see how we are treated and our own personal degree of conviction, morality and will. This path is never fixed and permanent. There is always the opportunity to alter your path. This is one reason for which Jesus says: 'If your hand or your foot causes you to stumble, cut it off and throw it away. It is better for you to enter life maimed or crippled than to have two hands or two feet and be thrown into eternal fire' (Matthew 18:8). We are all offered the choice. Some sacrifice life for the Kingdom. If a child decides to die for sake of the Kingdom that is a choice. It is a sad but fair choice. We are not living for this life. We are living this life for the Life in the Kingdom." Because of this, childhood is eternally important in terms of the choices we make regarding our future. I get it, if you think that what I am claiming is heresy again (hah!), just examine it from a physical perspective. If we force a child into depression by beating him and raping him daily, the result of his choices about what to do with his life will be evident. Because of the depression that he feels, he will lose the will to try. It is common sense. The more we try today, the more our future will be blessed. Can you not see it, o' you terribly hard of heart? Don't worry, you shall. Parents, your job is tough, your job is challenging. Resist the temptation to punish your children. Resist the temptation to rob the spirit from your children. The only way we can do this is by healing our own wounds.
I remember hearing somewhere that satan wants to target people as young as possible. I think it was a Christian pastor who said it. I cannot find the source so just be aware this idea is not my own. This is why Moses, Samson, Samuel, Jesus and other Biblical figures were protected and shielded from him in their infancy and childhoods. So that they could develop strong and firm and rooted in love and in truth. Satan knows that if he can get at the child, in their formative years, he can influence that child for the rest of its life. This is what makes me unique. This is what I suffered for God and through God. There has never been a prophet like me before. God, Jehovah desires to protect these. But, can you not see the turmoil society is in these days? It's almost entirely, almost exclusively because the child and the vulnerable is being targeted in this world. Jehovah God desires the child, every child, to have a firm foundation. The answer to this lies in the family. Healing is coming to the family unit. What we learn in childhood becomes a model for the rest of our lives. This is not information you will learn from books. Put your books away. It is common sense to some. Wisdom to others. And still to others, it is a supplement to truth. A 'truth', which makes complete Truth, making sense of why Jehovah sent Jesus for the sinners as opposed to the righteous. The answer to healing lies in yes, absolutely, filling our family life with devotion, love, prayer, Bible reading. More than that, what healing involves is in recognizing the need within ourselves for and healing ourselves so that we do not perpetuate the cycle of shame to our children. It involves not sexually interfering in the developmental lives of our children. But, it is more than this, isn't there? What happens behind closed doors often stays behind closed doors. There is a type of abuse that happens to children, which is an abomination to God. I used to think that was simply sexual abuse. It's not. It's much more and much darker. It happens. We do it. And we do not even know we do it. Wait. Jehovah God will show you. And when He does, you shall have healing. And healing in full!
Luke 6:48
“He is like a man building a house, who dug deep and laid the foundation on the rock. And when a flood arose, the stream broke against that house and could not shake it, because it had been well built.”
"There is a reason I keep talking about the developmental periods of children. There is a reason this is so important. Who is judging between traumas? Between sufferings? Just a pondering. As a comparison. Someone in a car accident who gets pretty banged up but who has had a childhood of love and peace. They’re able to navigate safely through the world, their own emotions and thoughts and fresh traumas (though they may be large) are reasonably well processed and filed away in the mind. And another who experienced hell growing up, raped daily and beaten, never having developed that base of grounding in life. Think of a soul as a cup or a well. Imagine you have this well. Now, that well, in the beginning is filled to the brim with very clear and clean water. But, as time passes, things happen to that well. People drink from it, things happen around it and things drop into it. As time passes, the water that was at first so clean, so clear becomes muddied and dirty. Now, what happens when you try to push that mud to the bottom to allot for clean water to rise to the surface? Remaining, you still have muddy water because the mud has only been pushed to the bottom of the well. It’s like having oil on the surface of a well and trying to push the oil to the bottom. No matter what you do, the oil will rise again to the top. In a similar way, the human heart is so precious, so fragile. Sometimes falling into sin is not a consciously willful choice that is thought over in a logical manner, but rather the re-emergence of the defense mechanisms we have used in childhood just to survive. “Then the Lord said to him, ‘Now then, you Pharisees clean the outside of the cup and dish, but inside you are full of greed and wickedness. You foolish people! Did not the one who made the outside make the inside also? But now as for what is inside you – be generous to the poor, and everything will be clean for you” (Luke 11:39). What we put into our hearts is not always a choice that we make. The human heart, everything about our bodies has an innate sense of remembering in the ways that serve it best, the trauma and pain as well as the love and joy that we have experienced. Because just like when we are cut, blood follows, emotions are natural responses to being hurt inwardly.
The fact that you keep forgetting, what do you think this means? This persistence on part of God for you to remember. Admittedly, it is not me who is reminding you at times. This is not very nice for me. Indeed, I am advocating a new system. But it is not a new system. It is very much built into this system. You've got to ask yourself, also, why your leaders would not desire this world to improve for you. Indeed, mark my words, brothers and sisters, a society that seeks to eradicate its sick, its vulnerable, its small and helpless is a sick society. Society can get better. It can be amazing. I've seen it. It was glorious even when I was growing up! Don't abandon this world so quickly, so easily. You call me crazy because you don't want to deal with the emotional result of your own sin. I get it. What is a healthy society? The mark of a healthy society is very simple. It's in how it treats its vulnerables, its sick and wounded, its young and small and those who can offer nothing. It is in this that Jehovah sees value. Jehovah does not pride individuals for their progress, for their riches, for their speeches and essays. Glorious though they may be. jehovah values the fetus more than He values the fully grown adult. Does this not say something of grace? Does it not say something of Jehovah's priorities? The human spirit, the human heart is so much more valuable than anything else about the human. It is that potential, which gives God delight in humanity. Guys, which of these society do you want? It's up to you. You make the choice. Not the governments. Not the popes. Not the pastors. Not the circuit overseers. Jesus. Compassion begins with you and you only. Don't let your envy and disagreements interfere with your brotherly love. It's the very same reason they want so desperately to humiliate me. I submit to their plans and schemes. For your sake. Again, I ask, if this were for the good of humanity, if it were for the good of my soul, would they really need cameras in my bedrooms and showers? Would they really risk being excommunicated for broadcasting my confession sin matter so openly?
I found this excerpt from an article written by CJ Summers called, “Why Can’t I get on with my Life?” that was so poignant I felt I had to capture it in my journal:
“Many people believe that, because the abuse happened as a child, as an adult the survivor should now just 'forget about it and get on with life'. If it were this simple, many survivors would do it! It is not this simple however. Survivors were not given the opportunity to experience a 'normal' childhood and they cannot go back and re-experience it. Childhood is where all humans learn the basics of adult behaviour. It is where they learn to talk, to walk, to feed themselves, dress themselves, to relate to others and how to decode all manner of verbal and non-verbal messages. When this learning process is distorted through abuse, it is impossible to change or erase the lessons learnt once adulthood has been reached. This is not to say that a survivor cannot lead a perfectly happy and fulfilling life, but they will never be the same as a non-survivor. The way a survivor is taught to think and act is forever different from a non-abused adult. This altered way of thinking affects relationships with their families, partners, close friends, their own children and with themselves.
If someone is skeptical about this statement, then ask them to try a simple experiment. Ask them to do two things in their life differently from the norm. Ask them to brush their teeth with their non-dominant hand and to brush their hair with their non-dominant hand. Once they have done this, ask them to imagine that, for the rest of their lives, brushing their teeth and hair will be that difficult. It won't feel 'right'. You look in the mirror and know that you can't quite do it. You can see others around you who seem to have no problems with it, but your own hands are clumsy. There are knots in your hair that you can't quite reach, or the part won't go straight. You resign yourself to the fact that you will never be able to make your hair look as good as everyone else's. Even if you get it done professionally, this is only a temporary solution. You know when brushing your teeth you've missed some of those back molars and scooping up the water was a nightmare so you used a little less than was needed. You know that eventually this type of tooth care will lead to decay but resign yourself to having to pay for the dentist bills and being admonished for your delinquency. You have learnt that others will attribute the reason for these behaviors to either a deliberate choice on your behalf or some undesirable personality defect such as laziness. But you endure, you get by.
Now tell the person to imagine that the reason they have to do this is merely to titillate and amuse some grown-up. Ask them to reflect on how they would think about life knowing that everyday was going to be a struggle and all because someone else selfishly used you for their own gratification when you were young. Now tell them to blame themselves for allowing it to happen and to feel the guilt that they are unable to tell anyone about it. This experiment may give a non-abused person a small insight into the life of a childhood sexual abuse survivor. Instead of teeth and hair brushing being 'different' for a survivor it is everything.”
That’s the excerpt. Says a lot. Take a page right out of my own life. This allegory is the perfect description of me and my experiences. I’m not left handed. That’s not what I think this article is saying. Imagine trying to live life with your non dominant hand and never getting more adapted to it. Now imagine this process of doing things for almost everything you do. It’s in a lot of ways, a developmental disorder. But I do not have a developmental disorder. This is something that was done to me. I had to learn to do everything, in childhood, with like foggy glasses. The process occurred but everything was a little more difficult for me. The same is true of everyone who experiences this sort of trauma in youth. I’m not lazy. It’s not that I don’t not want to try. I have incredible motivation. I have an incredible spirit. That’s one thing I will say about myself. I just don’t have a lot of the tools with which many people were raised to learn. A lot of things really hurt for me. Walking, as time is going on, is becoming more and more strenuous. It’s exhausting. This is not going to stop me.
We all have sexualities. Sexuality is such an integral part of who we are. It is common sense that our sexuality can be as wounded as it can be molded, warped and guided. I do not know the full nature of the complexities as to why I fear love so much. The reason I say it like that is because there are probably definitely too many ways for that response to have developed. Fears aside, including the facts that I was never raised to understand the social cues and expectations about dating or healthy love. I have no idea where to start. But I am not going to give up. I post these explanations because I want very much to get better and live my life to the fullest. But, I need help. It's true, I was given an opportunity to build my foundation in the time I spent at the religious community. It wasn't given enough time. The earlier a child is exposed to trauma, the more difficult it will be for that child.
I know that the Holy Spirit is able to conquer any and all anxieties that I have. Just please remember that anxiety is all different. I have complex post-traumatic stress disorder and Dissociative Identity Disorder, which in many ways is so much more debilitating that anxiety. I’m not exactly expecting you to understand. I realize that very few people experience the level of trauma that I have experienced in life. Rather, I hope you can have compassion and understanding. And that you won’t give up on me. Not everybody has an equal shot at life. And I hope I have made clear that those who suffer extreme trauma in their early foundations will very much have a more difficult time in life. But, we suffer for a purpose as I have come to see and respect. We suffer to bring glory to Jehovah and our Lord Christ Jesus. I feel it is important to say continuing in this vein, try not to judge others. This is not just an idle commandment in the Law. The purposes behind this are to express compassion for everybody. For God is not just a God of judgement but first, a God of love. It is not our place to condemn. We can share the Truth in order to guide our brother or sister back to righteousness when they stray. We should do so with love. But judgement is not ours. You know how I feel about prisons. I feel they are an absolute abomination. Wait, if you don't believe me, for the secret sins of all to be unraveled like a bed sheet before all of humanity. We are all as sinful and just as guilty. Our withholding judgement does not change the nature of the sin. The choice of which is the sinner’s entirely to sin. But we need to have compassion and understanding, knowing that under similar circumstances, we potentially could be in the same position. We do not know what each of us has been through. It’s easy to forget that other people are real creatures, human beings who have lifetimes of experience and pain as well as happiness and love behind them. Do not forget the passage that says, ‘Judge righteous judgment’. And ‘Man judges by appearance while God judges by the heart’. We can allow ourselves to become blinded by a single event in someone's life and ignore the rest of that person's life. We do this while ignoring our own sins.
I can attest very strongly that God does not stand for violence, hate or anger. God stands for love and faith and peace. Do not forget what violent hate and aggression really are. Many, many people across the world have problems and are oppressed. Oppression and being the victim of injustice and other forms of aggression are not acceptable excuses for violence. It’s terrible what happens a lot of the time in this hurting world and likewise there is not an excuse for the acts committed against all of you. But returning violence does not help anything. It’s how you handle your problems that shows your character. Have faith that the Almighty God and Father will judge rightly those who commit these acts. For just as Jehovah is a God of love, compassion and faith, He is also a God of incredible justice. He will repay and not miss a penny in His payment. There is no need for vengeance because vengeance is the Lord YAHWEH’s and He will protect those who follow Him. Trauma affects communities as it does individuals. I believe very strongly that it’s how a community or an individual handles this hurt that develops their character. Act in love. The conscious choices we make to love in the face of our accumulated trauma is a good thing and indicative of the state of our hearts. Rather, we as human beings have the choice to react to our pain in any way we choose. But not every way of dealing with pain is righteous and beneficial and pleasing to God. Violence and hate are never beneficial or pleasing to God. Choose love for everybody. I believe that peace is a good thing and, again, that violence and hate only fuel more of that. There are certainly a great many problems that have to be addressed in our society and I agree that there are many people all over the world who are being silenced and have massive reason to protest. Violence is not the answer to violence. Love is not an offensive thought or concept. Open your hearts. The grace of God is a free gift. One we cannot earn. One we do not deserve.
I don’t have a demon. Is this not exactly what I am saying? We need, as human beings, from our very births to focus on building for ourselves a foundation of love. We can’t do that for ourselves at such a young age, which is why parenting needs to be an important and vital job. Without that foundation built upon the rock of love, the love of Christ, we will not have the wisdom to accept trauma, abuse or violence. Our sense of self will be damaged and our trauma, heart and feelings/emotions unprocessed. This trauma, these feelings need to be processed or else they will continue to have an effect and an influence on everything we do, everything we say, even our attitudes and beliefs will be guided by our wounds. This is especially true if we have repressed our trauma and emotion. This is the reason that childhood abuse is a cycle and almost always perpetuated. Remember, what we feel is done in love may not be received as such. We need to go into those wounds, process them and replace the void with the truth of love, the truth of Christ and the truth of the Gospel, the Word of God, the Sacraments. This is the reason I struggle and simultaneously go out of my way to help others who need it more than me. This is the reason I react when someone does something that triggers me, a lot of the time intentionally, I am sure, and the next minute, I give an apple and a pomegranate to someone in need. My foundation is tattered, my trauma and wounds unprocessed. This is the reason I am angry. Wouldn’t you be? Being raped once is rough. Try four thousand times over the course of twenty years. 1 Corinthians 3:10 "According to the grace of God given to me, like a skilled master builder I laid a foundation, and someone else is building upon it. Let each one take care how he builds upon it." What do you believe this verse is speaking about? A house? A cold cellar? Hah! Isn't it obvious that Paul speaks about a foundation in faith? But, it goes deeper than this, doesn't it? For, what is a foundation of faith built upon? It is built upon a solid and strong conscience. This is built primarily in childhood. Yes, it can be built later. With impediments. But. . .
Proverbs 22:6
"Train up a child in the way he should go, Even when he is old he will not depart from it."
Had you have known me twelve, fifteen years ago, I can guarantee that very few of you would want anything to do with me. Merited, there were indeed a few. And I give them full credit for being my friend. Bless them with every breath in my body. But the fact is that you wouldn’t have wanted anything to do with me because I was literally unlovable. Because of the terror of my childhood, I had developed masques and defence mechanisms, sometimes flat out defensiveness in order to keep others at bay. I would literally go around my community shouting at people. Such an important thing to remember, maybe to learn, is that none of this, none of my actions, defences, anger was a clear picture of who I am or was. It was a result of suffering. I take a lot of pride in the fact that I have changed a lot now. What residual wounds remain are often what cause me to feel as if that pain is being repeated. And which causes me to act out. Otherwise, people just don’t understand. Not always, but often, good people are made to act out because of their traumas and sufferings. Act in love. Have compassion and empathy for everyone. You do not know their pasts. God will make Himself known. You just have to be patient. Why would God choose pretty much all of His prophets to have such terrible imperfections? That’s plaid. It’s because God loves us, imperfection and all. As long as we turn back to Him, He will forgive. God loves us though we are suffering and fearful and hurt and angry and sad. But it is from that imperfection that God is able to make sometimes miraculous transformations in people’s lives. Look at the life of Elijah, who was depressed to the point of death, whom God used to change the world for many generations. Look at Jonah, who was so firm in his beliefs that he willingly ran from the voice of God when he heard it, who was still used to bring one of the worst cities in terms of sin in history to repentance because it was God’s will. This is kind of good news. This is the reality: we are all sinners. Terrible sinners. Some of us just have not gotten caught yet. Haha! For us, He sent a perfect Life to purchase our salvation. Isn’t that Good News? I know it’s easy to allow your emotions to dictate your beliefs. Always try your best to act in love. The people of Glory are to love each other as well as the broken nonbeliever. We are all to love each other. That’s the will of God.
The decision to commit sin and to go against God is always a choice that we have made. What makes this more complicated is that most of the time, our sinful decisions are based off of a lifetime’s accumulation of trauma, stress and feelings.
Please read this. I don’t have depression. I don’t have anxiety problems. I have cPTSD. “Healing from child sexual abuse is not something that happens overnight. In many cases, it is a lifelong process. My brain was pretty hurt, too. I have noticed myself come very far from before I started healing. Relational and emotional wounds can be as serious as losing a limb. I’ve proved pretty clearly I think, by the life that I have lived, that I am pretty hurt. It is unfair that I am still being tempted with the accumulation of trauma from my childhood and adolescence. I’m trying harder than a lot of people realize. I’m not crazy. I’m only speaking what I have seen and been told. We need to look at things with compassion and love.
Please know and understand that a child is completely innocent of crimes committed against them. Matthew 19:13-15 says, "Then children were brought to him that he might lay his hands on them and pray. The disciples rebuked the people, but Jesus said, 'Let the little children come to me and do not hinder them, for to such belongs the kingdom of heaven.' And he laid his hands on them and went away." When someone chooses to hurt a child, they are making a choice to act in aggression or power towards something weaker. Even if that child grows and acts out towards the very same person who mistreated them as a child, these acts are never as serious or as influential as the acts commit against the child. A child, regardless of what some religion would like to say, is completely innocent and perfect. It is the closest image of Jehovah as anything else could be. A child is completely is dependent upon them for their very life. If the biggest man in the world made a choice to hurt a chipmunk, even if the chipmunk came towards him, would we blame the chipmunk? Sure, the chipmunk may be pestering him but just as when a child cries, there is a reason the child cries. It could be hungry or simply require the affection and loving, appropriate intimacy that it needs in order to survive. To hurt a child is a choice of power and not anything else. It is a stumbled choice of power. For even I acknowledge that the majority of child abuse that happens is certainly stumbled. And will always, always stumble. Who in their right minds would make the choice to hurt a child? Few people, I posit. This is the reason it is always stumbled. For those who do make the choice to hurt children intentionally, your fate is already decided. I wish you bonne chance. You're going to need it.
This is one of the Truths I know about God. He hates people who hurt innocent and helpless creatures, maliciously. And He will reward His creatures for being meek, loving and lowly. Much like this, I was a child when a lot of this stuff happened to me. It started as soon as I was able to develop conscious memory. In this sense and of most of the abuse that happened to me over the course of my life, I was entirely innocent. Even now, as a forty year old man, I have been given the rather incredible grace of seeing myself through God's eyes numerous times over the course of my life. I am a filthy, wretched sinner. Some of the things I have done in my life I gag at. If it were not for the sacrifice of Jesus, I would certainly view myself with disgust and abhoration. You don't get it, do you, world, my dear and cherished flock? Sin in the worst thing in the universe. Not just because of how it offends a perfect God. Because of the effect it has in us! You keep blaming sugar, tobacco, alcohol, guns. Sometimes, you blame men, white men. Name of God! The cause of all of the bad things in the world is only one cause. And we can all claim ownership. You know what that is? It's sin! Jesus, who will save us from our sin? Jesus. Jesus. Matthew 18:6 “If anyone causes one of these little ones—those who believe in me—to stumble, it would be better for them to have a large millstone hung around their neck and to be drowned in the depths of the sea.
When we are traumatized, our ability to think clearly is sometimes hindered, often skewed. When there’s so much going on in our minds and bodies to keep our emotions and thoughts, anger and shame suppressed, there is little faculty left available for the façade that everything is alright. I beg you to read what I am about to write; this is how what people have done has affected me, which are directly resulted. As a result of the things that were done to me, I have a problem with toxic shame. If you’re not familiar with the concept, essentially it is the feeling that ‘I, as a person and life force, am worthless, damaged and devalued because of things that happened to me’. This sort of reaction is often harbored in childhood because the child has either no thought faculties to process the emotions and horror of what it is experiencing, or because it has no other choice. When a caregiver hurts a child, it cannot process that the people caring for it and upon which its life depends, are evil, because to do so, the whole world must be evil. A child is selfish, naturally and innately. When something bad happens to it, it believes that it caused it. Anyways, I also have dealt significantly with anger problems in my past. I know you know this. Though I believe that you are misguided in your belief about where it originated from. I have done a lot of work over the past and have come monumentally far. I have processed my emotions to a point where I am healthy in society. I also have cripplingly low self-esteem. I experience flashbacks, which I wouldn’t expect you to understand. These are a reason why being unhappy and anxious and worrying are not always conscious choices. For the most part of my life, I have isolated myself. If it wasn’t before that injury, when I would just sit in front of the computer at home and play computer games for literally hours after school. I know you know it got to the point where I was smoking three packs of cigarettes daily. I don’t entirely blame this on what happened. But the reason I did it was to cope with stress and because I had such little value for myself as a human being. It was what I was shown I deserved. I started smoking again after the injury that happened within two years after that head injury. I’ve had a host of other problems and addictions. People who did these things to me need to know it was wrong. It has to be said. And I am not to blame for what they did to me. For too long, I’ve seen myself in a negative light because of the way they taught me to feel I was worth. For too long, I have allowed fear and shame and anger, resultant from your actions and behaviors to dictate my life. I was diagnosed with complex post-traumatic stress disorder, which is what happens when a bunch of traumas are compounded by a major one. The definition also implies prolonged stress of a social and/or interpersonal nature from which there is little or no hope of escape. I also experience avoidance and hypervigilance around the issue of sexuality and intimacy. I can’t even allow women to kiss me. Over the course of my entire life, I have built protective barriers to prevent myself from loving and being loved. These are reactions to how people have treated me. You cannot say this is a result of the injury that happened to me. Numerous times, I have rejected beautiful women who were trying to get me to open up to them. As a matter of fact, I remember once flipping out and having a traumatic reaction when a girl touched me and proposed that we have sex. Not in a violent way. I practically broke down and wept. This happened some time before the injury that happened. Neither am I gay. There’s purely one reason why I have difficulty with the subject of intimacy.
I will say that righteous anger is healthy. It is healthy at times to be angry with what has been done to you. There is less reason to be angry with people who have caused you pain but it is so essential to be able to express the anger that you have to feel. Because under all of this buried anger, there are a number of feelings, which caused the anger that have also become buried. I was not allowed the ability to experience this righteous anger. For me to have experienced it, I would have had to confront the people who took my life from me and there would have had to have been some sort of understanding for what I had gone through: for the severity of the crimes committed against me. That’s impossible on any healthy level now, taking into consideration the intensity of their denial and the extent of my traumatic damage. Speaking of the extent of the damage I have sustained, I guess I want to say that I do not expect you to understand my wounds mostly due to the fact that there is no way for you to know what it is like. I can’t count the number of times that good intentioned people have offered me solutions to my problems. Only yesterday, a man downtown, to whom I offered five dollars as a gift, told me to smile. He said that by smiling, my tension would be released and my perspective would change. Although I believe his intentions were good, a lot of the time, wounds go much deeper than that. When I was younger, when I was living in darkness, I can reflect on the fact that I very often doubted the truth and even the very sincerity of those who claimed to have illness that I could not see. It’s tempting to not believe something that you have no understanding of. But, how does one remedy not understanding what love is in childhood? The formative years, void of true warmth and affection can never be returned. I will say that I am sorry for being hostile to those I viewed as a threat. I needed to take a step back and recognize who the enemy was all along and who was the only One who could have saved me.
Genetically, a person could be the most talented person in the history of mankind. God Jehovah could have blessed this person with every talent and every blessing imaginable. If these talents are not nurtured and cultivated with love, affection and care, you may as well be raising a vegetable. This is the point: Einstein, Mozart, Leonardo Davinci, if they did not have the flowerbed of love in which to grow and tend their talents, would never have blossomed into the genius they became. Do you really not realize, world? I get it. People want to believe their blessings, their talents and skills developed as a result of their own hard work. Name of God! Who amongst you, will deny the credit goes entirely to Jehovah? The giver of every good gift and blessing. Just the same as the talents chrysalis begins in love, its fed and nurtured by love too. So, what will happen when a talented person is deprived of love? I tell you in a manner of absolute certainty, without any hesitation, every talent they have been bestowed with, in the absence of chesed, agape love, will wither and die. It's a matter of heart to see. Without heart, you cannot see this. How's your ol' heart doing? Is it ticking? What do you feel at hearing this? Does it inspire indignation and envy? Or does it inspire compassion and concern? You know my fate. The state of my body proves that. I never had the opportunity to develop the talents I possess. Had I, the world would have had to have watched out. Still, I believe God will offer me a chance to develop and nurture these talents, which are only mine.
A close abuser used to kick the dog quite hard when I was very young. This abuser was not the only one who was doing this. Friends at secular high school, which I was blessed to experience, also did this. I had a friend who used to literally scream for minutes at his dog. I do not judge him because I know what he was probably enduring as well. My abuser, maybe he only did it a couple of times. It had an impression on me. I am extremely loving to animals now as anyone who has seen me with them will attest. I loved the dog at the religious community. He and the beautiful cats there were my favorite. I was very gentle with them. The reason I was venting with the animal close to me was subconscious. I had little consciousness about it. I had such anger I was repressing because of what the abusers were doing to me, daily and nightly. I was doing what I had been taught. I had no other outlet for this anger. This is the exact same reason for every way I reacted. These things are not nearly as hereditary or genetic as we want to believe. Behavior – and this is only my opinion – is rarely genetic… It's a bit of common sense, which only makes sense with a bit of love. Sometimes, the choices we make are not choices at all. Rather, they can be simply reactions. It is not conventional spiritual wisdom nor theology. But, it is my prayer that this information will become common sense in years to come. The choices we have made in the past, particularly those in childhood become kind of like templates for us. For we learn all things of how to navigate this life from our childhoods. The choices we make in childhood are often choices in reaction to stressors. If it brings us comfort, we will continue doing these things into adulthood until we find and confront the sources. Is my language too harsh for you? Maybe you would prefer if I were to say that people develop habits. Common sense, huh? Good habits can be fostered and nurtured. Like talents, in loving environments.
I needed to be shown love early in my life. I needed it because I was only hurt through my childhood. The same goes for all children who are hurt in childhood. People can overcome anything with the power of love. It will give us the attitude and perspective we need to bear the painful stuff, anyways, while we await our glory. Love can beat all. I was never shown the love I needed for the right reasons. This is why I am having difficulty now. This is also part of the reason I was meant to disclose what they were doing after that injury that happened to me. It’s not that I don’t want this. I don’t know how to have it.” I needed love in these times, when I was a child, to show me that I was a human being again. To show me that I was worthy of the love of anyone else. I feel so inadequate. The thought of someone loving me for me is abstract and hostile.
Psalm 11:3
If the foundations are destroyed, what can the righteous do?
I am quoting an excerpt from another part of my blog from a post entitled Sexuality. "Here’s a little revelation that might upset you. Only because it is so unorthodox. The apostle Paul was very vigilant about his faith. This was the way everything had to be. As this has to be now. God is not as scared of human sexuality as many would make it seem. We, as a culture, need sexual healing. We have become so uptight and vigilant in our own traumas and unhealed hurts. We need to liberate ourselves. Before you get uptight with what I have just said, I am not calling for a sexual revolution. I am not calling for priests to marry. There is a place for those who are called to be pillars in their vocations, which are called to completely detach from the world in chastity. What I am talking about is healing our core identities through intimacy, vulnerability and passion. Sex is not an evil thing. God loves us and wants all of us to be happy. Don’t believe me? Too liberal? It’s not. Just wait.. I pray that God reveals to you what is happening in the world so that you may see why this has to be. The Apostle Paul, also like Jesus, came to set fire between the world. It had to be. God doesn’t want there to be people like me, who were so traumatized in childhood that they repress their sexuality and in turn, their God given identity. Wounded people need help to mend. The more difficulty a person is having in the world, the more wounded they are. It's not hard to see that people who have behavioural problems are very hurt. Thus, the more help they need. A wounded dog is a good analogy. How can we reintegrate these wounded animals? At first, they will bark and bite and resist. It’s with love that they come to recognize their own safety and worth. If we can do this for a dog, can we do it for people? I’m not talking about me. There are billions of people who don’t know the love of God. They don’t know the love of God because of the way that human love has been used as a weapon towards them. Billions. Even within the Church." Friends, can you not see that many of the problems in our world today have arose as a result of sexual repression? It's not my idea. But, I will add my two cents. Sexuality is not as evil as religion would like us to believe. Sexuality is tied into the personality, the very core identity of a human being. If we are free to express our sexuality, in marriage, out of marriage, either way, our personalities are free to develop. Can you not see the link? How have we ever gotten the idea, Church that everybody in the world has foster chastity like an old monk? We are not all called to religious chastity. Anyways, this is the reason my personality, my talents are stuck. This is the reason why I can't accomplish what God asked me to do. It's because I haven't experienced passion. Remember the satanic contract on my soul. My soul will be liberated once I experience passion, once I get an opportunity to develop and nurture my sexuality in a healthy way.
It’s so easy to get caught up in the business of life, the urgency of our daily deeds that it becomes dreadfully simple to forget about all that we have done as human beings, the journeys we are all on, the goals we have set as individuals. We need to take time to appreciate the beauties of life and the intricacies of God’s Creation. After all, He created this world for us. He created this planet for us. Life really is short. It’s literally a flash, an instant in time. We need to get out and make what we want out of our lives. We need to stop wasting our time with things that do not matter, in the grand scheme of things. Last time I wrote, I wrote about something that I believe very strongly in. We need to reveal our true, authentic selves. Our inner children. We need to pack up all of the masques and coping mechanisms that cover up our true natures, our true visions and our true goals and hopes for this life. In a time in our history when we are surrounded by distractions, bombarded by constant emotional and mental interference, it’s easy to become caught up by the world. Do not forget where your true home is. Where you belong. And how to get there. We need to sit with our feelings and not be constantly busy. God loves all of you so much. We need to reach out to Him and accept His love. This is much easier than it sounds. People need and deserve to feel loved. And the only true and natural source for that love that embraces all and endures all, wanting only happiness, love and glory for those who choose to accept it, is Jehovah through the eternal Christ, the Messiah of Love. He is the only source for the unconditional love we need as creatures of God. Physical and emotional human intimacy is in complement to God's love. Sometimes, the one cannot be understood without the other. Here, I am not speaking about sex. Most of us had mothers who loved and nurtured us. A little at least. Just don’t give up on love. It’s absolutely a worthy fight. I too, am trying really hard. All I can do is continue to be grateful and faithful.
Matthew 7:24
“Everyone then who hears these words of mine and does them will be like a wise man who built his house on the rock.”
You ask what authority I possess to speak so boldly. I possess the same authority that was given to Paul. I possess the Holy Ghost. Still, I do understand your hesitance in accepting what may appear a new message of faith. If Jehovah desires it all to be the case, He will vindicate me. He will prove it to you. I can see that regardless of what I write, how much I tell my story, it is not going to make a difference. I can see that the only way this is going to appease is if I trust in Jehovah. I will trust in Him. Jehovah has provided the solution. At a point, He will interfere Himself. You see my beloveds, God loves you all, every single one of you, far too much to ever abandon any one of you. Actually, it is when you are furthest from Him that He chases after you the most. It is not only His children He loves, as some amongst our crowd would suggest. It is every single one of you all. God YHWH, Father God is in love with your every move. Not only does He desire your salvation. He desires your happiness here as well. This is a reason to serve Him. For He is the only God who desires our happiness. Repent dear ones. Have I held that against you in the past? That you did not listen to the word of God upon hearing it. On the contrary, you have been very patient with me. To the point where I realized that it was I who needed to repent. You know how I feel. If it is true, I am consequently, inculpable of pretty much everything. Still, you all have been glorious with me. I will never forget the many times our world has been moved by me and my story. This is me, a humble, humbling prophet of God asking you as a world to hear His voice once more. God is coming. Jehovah is coming. Jesus is returning soon. You need not worry about a thing. For in His swooping wing, will contain the answer to every ailment you are troubled by. You need not worry about past injustices and wounds. He will take care of all of that. Jehovah is going to wipe every tear away. Then, what is the point of all my writing? It's to prepare you. I will never forget the overwhelming emotions of realizing the way I had been treated as a child and having no one with whom to express it. Jehovah is a great God. You are about to see just how great of a God that He is. You ask though, if He loved us, why would He allow and permit this child abuse and stuff like that? The answer is really very simple. An answer, which is strengthened by what I am learning with my JW friends. This world is not governed by Jehovah. It is governed by Satan. This is the one. He is the cause of every single dastardly division and illness and injury in the world today. He is responsible for racism and war and cancer. It's all him. Hear me now, beloved world, my flock, I just ask you to remember your God. Remember the One who knit you together in the wombs of your mothers. He loves you. You ask, how can I have happiness? You ask, how can I have life? It is very simple. Call on the name of Jehovah through His son Jesus. This is life. God loves you all. He will never abandon you. Remember His name. Remember Him. He remembers you. Even if you do not know Him. Christians, world - my beloved flock - take heed. A Christian foundation (Godly parenting) is not enough. This is the essence of my message. The emotional fallout of sexual interference amongst family members is vicious. I'm telling you: It is the reason for all of the struggles of today. You need to respect your children. You need to love them like God loves you.
Psalm 127:1
"A Song of Ascents. Of Solomon. Unless the Lord builds the house, those who build it labor in vain. Unless the Lord watches over the city, the watchman stays awake in vain."
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