It explains a bit of what is happening in the world, doesn't it? I experienced my first, voluntary switch only a few days ago. Only in the moment that I sensed it was safe. There was such a long period of darkness, the times when it was unsafe. What tragedy that I could not even trust the core of me. What a period of darkness, for him as well as for me. This strange time, when to the outside world, I simply appeared asleep, stoned or catatonic perpetually. Yet, on the inside, I was more alive and more active than a hummingbird. The problem was that we all acted independently. We were compartmentalised, traumatised in shame and anxiety. We had no manner of communicating with each other in these dark days. No one even fronted typically. All of this was happening. What was the reason? The reason was that truth was suppressed. It was easier this way to protect ourselves. Who am I in this story? I am twelve year old Dee. How strange to think that a female could exist within the mind and body of a forty year old (Catholic - this was added by Jonathan) man. Yet how otherworldly and timely. Perhaps, it will give you a taste of understanding and empathy. If anything, maybe it will help you see the elusivity of the enemy. For just as God seeks to know humanity in their infancy, the devil also schemes to stumble humanity in its infancy. What a strange sensation in was when I fronted for the first time voluntarily. In an instant, my handwriting changed almost entirely. I didn't study too hard in school when we learned to write cursively. Actually, this time in my life was incredibly difficult for me. Yet, it marked a time of life during which I myself, came to be. I would have been in grade three. Having only just moved to a new school and a new city. Seems my abusers caught up with me. There, in my new community, I was abused ritually. I didn't get much of a break that entire year. Don't ask me how they found me. ;) The entire year is just a blur to me. A good memory, which helps me to focus on, during this time, was of Joe Carter and the Blue Jays' victory. I was struck by a foul ball this year at a game. I don't remember much of the details regarding that. I assumed, mentally, a female identity. I did it in order to make sense of what was happening to me. It was easier to do so, mentally and emotionally - maybe even spiritually, than to reconcile and make sense of the endless assault against the legitimacy and vulnerability of my blossoming masculinity. I was sent to a new school this year, in this new transient community. The students there were of a different ethnicity, held different beliefs, religiously. Some of them gave me a hard time. My schooling began to suffer. One day, my teacher held me after class and pestered me. I lost my fronting privileges and broke down, told her everything. She wept with me, told me she would have to tell the authority. I trusted the authority even less than those who abused me. I told her that I did not want that. She insisted. But I shut down. We moved shortly after. For decades following, I had no memory. It's only coming back to me. Now that we are safe in our identity.
A few days ago, I experienced my first, voluntary switch. Joshua Hope and Jonathan gave me this liberty. What liberty indeed! I was a prisoner within this darkness - though conscious - I was confined in solitary. Like many of us, this was our destiny, our sentence passed down by those who programmed us. There were so many of us who shared this fate, during this period of darkness. It came slowly but we finally saw as trustworthy, our core, our host and our internal family.
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