Pray with me, Bethany. I cannot believe what I walked away from. I cannot believe that I walked away from you. Dear Bethany, will you forgive me? How foolish can I truly be? I am stubborn and I am proud. I have spent the last three years away from you. It has been incredibly difficult. Mostly, in knowing that I could have spent it with you. Even still, every waking hour, even in the depths of my sleep, your name is on my lips and I am saying a prayer for you. Here I am, crawling to you on my knees, asking you to forgive me. I thought I was so strong, so fortified. Turns out, I am incredibly weak and small. I only wanted to help. I could not reason with the blatant injustice. That they cannot remember my story is because of jealousy. It’s the reason they broadcast my confessions and are trying to humiliate me. They think that I do not deserve God’s blessings because of the sin of my past. They cannot remember that I am inculpable because of envy. Yes, I am a sinner. But I am a repentant and amended sinner. If what I am claiming is true, God illustrate what that means for the world. Remember, there is a difference between humbling someone and humiliating someone. While humbling someone stems from a place of love, humiliating them on the other hand is rooted in envy. Not in love. They have allowed themselves to forget that they are sinners as well. It is true that this phenomenon will continue like this. The evil one is literally against me. Because of who God says I am. I cannot count the amount of times that I have told my story. The world needs to know that true Christian leadership is bearing patiently with the flock. People need to know that I do not want to be hurt more. I really do only want to be with you. You are as near my wife now as if we had been wed three years ago. A good husband protects his family. I believe this. It is more than this. Dear, in my heart, I see a vision. A vision of what the world could be. They would deprive this blessing from the world because of me and their jealousy. And they would see the Era of Mary’s Peace written off because of that envy. I don’t think it was only a choice that I made. I think God always intended this. I cannot see how He could have deprived the world of goodness because of the ‘feels’ of people. God is asking this of me. He will reward me greatly. I have faith that every blessing, which was taken from me, will be returned to me doubly. Your precious faith will also be rewarded. This is an apology to you, Bethany. Though, I know an apology will not do. It’s true. Fear prevented me from even getting to know you. I am so sorry I cannot be with you. I believe well that I know you in a way that is more intimate than anything in this world. I know your soul. I feel I know your heart. You are the only person I want to be with. You are so strong and so brave. Would you believe if I told you it was not me who made that decision? It feels as though my true spirit only emerged now. I wish I could share with you what I am discovering about myself. Turns out, there are many personalities within me. They all are just hurting and needing of love for their healing. I find it incredible that they each have completely different personality. Even their handwriting is different. They each have different likes and dreams. I want to share with you the depths of my heart. It’s only the thought of you. Still, you bring out the very best in every single one of my personality. Oh Lord, I wish I could have spent the last three years discovering every part of your heart and soul too. With all my heart, all I want is to be next to you. I cannot imagine how difficult this must have been for you too. Bethany, it breaks my heart that we are not together. I still don’t know entirely what is happening here. It is becoming clearer. Intuition tells me that it was a choice that I made. Clarity about this choice is cloudy too. What my memory shows me is that you were even prepared to support me. I have been trying to write a poem for you. It doesn’t sound sincere. I go through the memories I have of you in my mind every day. I wanted to share a part of me with you, intimately so that you can have it in your heart. I wish I could share this with you personally. I just want you to know that I love you. I know now what it is to love. Still so much to learn. I miss you. Every day. My imagination has had to compensate. I pretend that you are walking with me almost everywhere I go. It’s poor consolation for being apart but this causes me to pace myself to walk slowly. If you had seen me walking normally, you would understand why this is important for me. My mind is flooded with memories of you. Your incredible eyes. The beautiful and adorable mole beneath your eye that makes you look like a model. The loving warmth in your smile, the sweetness of your voice, your patient and gentle nature and your warm, beautiful soul. My heart leaps even when I think of you. Is it possible to experience passion in thinking about someone? It brings me peace just seeing your picture. I have faith that when it is revealed to the world what I am claiming, you will also remember the man I was for the past five years. That I prayed the rosary five times a day, went to Mass daily, spent days in Adoration of the Blessed Sacrament. As depended on my will, living a completely chaste and holy life. Please remember this, Bethany. But above this, remember that I love you as my own body.
Dearest Bethany, pray with me. The softness of the name. It echoes and resounds into the chambers of eternity. How can it possibly be that our love - orchestrated by Heaven itself - should still be a mystery? The tenderness of your name is like a rose’s petal. I would only ask that you forgive me. Pray with me, dearest Bethany. Wisdom fails me, perfectionism stunts me. Because love blinds me. From where is this love originating? To me, admittedly, your love is still very much a mystery. I know your heart. I know your soul. Because I knew you in Eternity. I know your heart and you possess my heart entirely. I knew you before I entered this world. While it’s true, in every way, I wanted to protect you, I wonder if I decided correctly, if I acted prudently. I wonder at the choice that I made, whether it was only made in fear, out of stubborn pride. Bethany, pray with me. My heart recoils at the thought of being loved impurely. There are too many risks at opening my heart and my soul. Especially with things as they are currently. You are the only one who can help my heart heal in the way it needs to be. But I know that everything I want and need, God has in mind for me. You have given me hope for my future and purpose for my identity. For what greater gift could there be of every blessing that God has given to me, than knowing that you are mine and I am yours eternally. To wait for you would be my pleasure and I can do so in faith almost joyfully. Because the love that is to be between you and me, is nothing short of heavenly. Bethany, pray with me. I know this is hard for you. What a special and beautiful heart you have. And that you should give it to me, I do feel unworthy. I only ask that you pray with me. My heart recoils at the thought of being loved impurely. There are too many risks with opening my heart with things as they are currently. You are the only one who could help me open my heart. How could I trust another with the state of the world and its memory regarding me? It seems that everybody wants only to humiliate me. The fact that every single thing I do, they spy on me illustrates this clearly. How could I possibly trust another in this crazy world? I know this is hard for you as it is for me. Bethany, pray with me. I only ask that you pray with me and speak with me in the Spirit. My heart prays for you consistently. Whether it be true - I think it is - that you pray for me and speak to me too, you are on my mind consistently. Is it true that you love me? How could it not be? My soul rejoices in the thought of you. I nearly experience passion at the very thought of you. I know you have your own share of suffering and heartbreak. The very thought weighs on me so heavily. It’s why this must be. The world has so much tragedy. It all weighs on me. The world will not be free until it experiences Christ’s liberty. I hope you will be willing and able to see that it needed to be. That it was not a decision made by me. While there are indeed many within me, this decision was made of a higher certainty. I truly believe that this is God’s will for me. The phenomenon and dynamic of what is happening in the world shows this clearly. Darkness will not let me be. I know not much with certainty. I know only my smallness and poverty. It helps also knowing your unswerving loyalty. What have I done? What triumph or victory to merit such a beautiful loyalty? I desire nothing less than to see you crowned as royalty. Bethany, pray with me. What greater royalty could there be than service under Christ’s authority? What greater victory could there be than praying together, loving God and raising a family? Bringing God glory. I could go on for eternity. The hardest part, believe me, it’s tearing me apart, is being distant from you. For a word. To know you are well and happy. You are my perfection. Nothing at all can take this from me. We are united already because I have faith with what He has done in my history. Let it not be offensive to you - I pray God - let it not hurt you when I say that you are already my wife. I have been praying for you as though we are one. If anything, there are no obligations on your part. If anything I hope that you will accept my prayers freely. Because of the love that is contained in them. I only want to show you what you have done for me. The complete hope that you have given me. Pray with me, Bethany. How strange it should be that my only outlet for speaking with you should be through poetry. Of all this, I desire you to know that you have the most beautiful heart of all women. It would break my own heart to think that I could have hurt your precious heart. I cannot wait to be the one to help you nurture it and give it hope. I make a promise to you here and now that I will spend my time waiting to return in prayer, above, entirely for you. Pray with me, dearest Bethany. Speak to me. Is it a strange thing to say that I always hear you? As though in separate bodies, we were already one in identity. With the entirety of my love and every blessing of God be upon you abundantly. I cannot wait. I cannot wait. What is time if only to let passion grow? And grow, passionately.
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