Sammy, my dear, little, blessed Sammy. Has it been so long? It is as though yesterday in my memory. The picture of you in my mind is as strong today as it was when you were with me. Oh God, how could I have treated you so cruelly? How cruel, that human memory is plagued not with pleasantry but with times we acted inhumanely. I remember your loving nature, the immediate warmth and insane depth to your eyes. The gentlest disposition of your character. I can see you trotting across the grass as you run toward me gleefully. I see you after I have come home at the end of the day. You were so excited to see me. It's like you would do a little dance for me. Honestly, regardless of whether I would go away for a week or ten minutes, you were always in ecstasy to see me. Sammy, you would listen knowingly when I needed an ear. Sadly, you would listen to me when I would cry, you would gently kiss me and cuddle me. It was like you were the only one who truly loved me. You knew, didn't you? What my abusers were putting me through. You knew it was wrong, didn't you? You were only a dog. Yet, you knew. My name is Paul. I am different from the Jonathan you grew up with. A different personality. I know that you even knew that. It brings me peace to know that you forgive me. I was so confused, acting out what had been shown to me. I'd catch glimpses when my abusers would likewise mistreat you and other dogs. I remember once, one of my abusers gave a football punt kick against your side. I am so sorry. I was so angry because of what my abusers did to me. One day, I wondered why you were not as excited anymore to see me. I Wondered at you. I couldn't face the reality that I was treating you in the same way that my abusers treated me. It affected me so ashamedly. I blocked it out of my memory. It was a different person entirely. Thinking of the ways I treated you, I am so sad. It all happened prior to my baptism. I know my baptism has forgiven me. Only truth can heal me. Until, there was a time when you were no longer happy to see me. Yet, still I know that you knew. Because you saw what my abusers did to me. My entire childhood, I was treated cruelly. I wondered at you Sammy. Funny thing is, I still cared about you a lot. Of everybody, you were my favourite. It bothered me deeply when I prioritised my smoking over your needs. Once, I was sitting outside for literally hours. After a while you started jumping at the door needing to be let out. I was oblivious. It is no consolation that I could barely walk. I could have helped you more quickly. In spite of my care and love for you, I could not see that what I was doing was affecting you. My abusers had turned me into an abuser momentarily. Though the honest amongst us will admit that we all have the potential to act hurtfully, it still affects me greatly. The real difference between a true, narcissistic abuser and one who is only reacting from trauma is conscience. Sammy, I wondered at you. When one day, I had come in, finished smoking, I found that you could not wait any longer, you had gone on the floor. I felt so badly. I promised you verbally that I would quit cigarettes. It was as though you understood me completely. For the first time in months, you were excited again with me. You knew, didn't you? I always had a bit of a theory that children and animals have a deeper connection to the Spirit, intuitively. You knew, didn't you? Sammy, I am so sorry. It brings me peace to know from God that you forgive me. Dear Sammy, it was not me. You knew though, didn't you? You knew that what you had seen of what my abusers did to me and how it was affecting me. If only dogs could speak. While I was handicapped in illustrating my love for you, accept my altered behaviour as an apology. My demeanour has become as gentle as yours. Of all those who I knew, you were the kindest to me. Even though you were only a dog, you knew what was happening to me and how it would affect me. You were only a dog - not a learned or a doctor - yet you saw something and understood it so plain to see. Sammy, I love you. I hope to meet you again in Eternity.
You cannot humiliate me if I confess my sins freely and openly. I am forgiven but you need to know that there is contrition in my heart. God knows why I was acting in this way. And you know who I have been for a decade.
If I could have another day with you, Sammy, I would play with you and be with you lovingly the entire day.
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