December 28, 2016:

I prayed not because I have to or because I am obligated but rather because I long for the Creator to know that I want a relationship with him, that I love Him and need Him. That I cannot do this without Him. I thought more about the fact that I had called myself a sham and been depressed, for some time and realized that I was depending on myself for everything I need. It became more and more clear to me what I need to do. I needed to find the Truth of who I am. I needed to see myself the way that only God sees me. I needed to see myself in ways that no one on this earth saw me. I have struggled with this a lot over the past years. It’s a continual battle for me to trust in Christ fully with the weight of the stress that surrounds my body and spirit. It is a continual fight for me to learn to trust and rely on a force other than what I know because what I know has helped me to survive through so much. But then I remember why I was suffering in the first place. I am finally coming to live in an area that is not dictated by the events of my past. Nor is who I am dictated by what I can and should have done. The truth of your reality is not what you have been through. It’s about what Christ went through and overcame. Faith in itself will produce good works. First, we need to believe in our hearts and confess with our mouths that Christ is Lord of all the world. Hate, in any respect, even against those who hated you, is not a good thing. The Kingdom, the reason Christ came to earth, the reason I write now and fully, the entire nature of God Almighty, stands for love. This is all about love. This life is about love. Love for each other. Love for God. Love for those who hate us. Love for ourselves. Act in love and you will be doing the will of God. Knowing that there will certainly be justice. There is a difference between the love we need and the love we want. The enemy is the one who fills our hearts with deception and pain and lies. He is a punk, wrought on destroying all of mankind. Do not allow your hearts to be filled with resentment. Know in your precious hearts that you are all so very loved. One person is not loved more or less according to God. All are equal in order that God’s perfect love may be revealed. How can we love ourselves? Even when so much disaster has befallen our spirits. How can we love others? Even when there is so much hate and oppression in this world. How can we love God? Even when there is so much pain and suffering that good people never deserved. How can we love those who hate us, hurt us and persecute us? We can do all of those beautiful things in the knowledge of the Truth of God’s love for us. We can do all of these things knowing that God stands for everything wonderful in our world. And yes, it’s a very big universe. He created it all! And still, he notices us, our insignificant presence, marvelling at our every step, our every breath. He marvels at us enough to want so much for all of us to be free and to experience joy and love in the Truth that is absent of suffering, misery, oppression, lies and hate. We can love everyone once we accept the Spirit of the living God. This is not entirely about religion. It’s not about who is right and justified. For there is absolutely no contest, no trial and no battle in love. Jesus, the Lord of love and peace came to earth not just for the Jews, not just for Christians, not for Jehovah’s Witness or any other. He came for all mankind that we all may know that His love is a free gift and a beautiful one. This is not about religion. It is my hope that with love and grace, you are given a glimpse of the LORD Almighty in the way that I have seen Him. Love God, act in love and peace to each other and to all neighboring others, in truth and you will be doing the will of God. I just pray that God reveals to you a knowledge of the love of Christ as it has been shown to me. There are so many similarities between most of the religions of the world. This cannot be for coincidence. It is not a judgment when I tell you that there are too many conventions and rules these days. Merited, there is a Law that God requires you to follow. And that Law is immensely important. I simply encourage you to have faith. The Law will follow if you just have faith. Our world is a truly beautiful one. Every time I look around, I wonder in amazement at everything in God’s glorious Creation. I wonder at the sight of what we have done to it as well. Hardly in a bad way. We have erected monumental metropolis’, we have invented travel that can get us from one corner of the world to the opposing corner in a matter of hours. We have created communication that can connect an individual in Hong Kong to Wyoming in a flash. That is incredible. We are made in the image of God. But, at the same time, it is also a very hurting world. It is a world that is filled with enormous suffering and injustices. We live in a world where people thrive and blossom off of the hard work and pain of others. It is a world that needs a savior. And we are enormously blessed that God Almighty has sent us that savior. With the full knowledge of what He would have to experience in order to stand by the Truth of love and everything that love stands for, God was still willing to send us His Son. The only way we can be made holy and righteous enough to approach God, the Father is through the Savior, Jesus Christ. Church, you beautiful, worthy and strong sheep. Whatever happens, know in your hearts that in front of you lies a future none of you could imagine right now. It is a very real place. You absolutely have this to hope for. Just remember to do everything in love. Do not walk in the presence of evildoers or stand in the way of those who will sin. Just keep strong and maintain your faith. I’m sorry I wasn’t strong enough to provide a voice for you. I’m trying to feel like an apology is enough. Whatever happens, know that you are all so valuable and so loved. You will be home soon. To those who suffer and those who persecute alike, the peace and joy of love and truth is within arm’s reach of you. My life is not over and while there is life, there is still an opportunity to love. I just need to know from you what you would like me to do. I can promise to never give up and to try my hardest with what has been given to me. This was a terribly difficult mission for me. From the start, the odds were stacked against me up to the brim. But I accepted it. I said I would do many things. I’m so sorry I couldn’t have been stronger. Still, one will come who will be a voice for you in a while. You know how I feel about what happened in my life. I will not give up. Love sometimes is a difficult cause to fight for. But it is always worth it. And love will triumph in the end. The Truth does not change or waver. Keep faith. Have patience. Please. Changes are coming. Everyone has been through so much. Regardless of your religion, race or history, we all hurt in the same way. Though our reactions differ and greatly do they differ, we were all children at one point, longing for our mothers to hold us and comfort us. We need to empathize with our brother. Don’t forget the awe and beauty of this world. I see people standing next to gulls and walking through flocks of pigeons like nothing is happening. If you remove the common place occurrence that this is, and mind you, the peskiness of these animals and just step back and view these scenes for the magic they actually are, you’d be surprised. This applies to everything. Just think of the joy and majesty of creation that went into their forming. Think back, remember, as a child, viewing the world for the first time. This entire world is a testimony to the awesome love and power and glory of God Almighty. Everything you have done as a world is magnificent. I remember, (and I’m not sure if I have mentioned this before) during the time I spent on Grimsey Island, I was reflecting a lot. I was taking a lot in visually. In spite of the incredible beauty of the island and the genuine warmth of the people there, there was not much to see. The thought was welcomed in my mind that life can flourish anywhere. All it takes is more than one person. The warmth and love I was shown in my time on this quaint and unique little island, with a population of no more than 100 in the summer, kindled something genuine and irreplaceable for me. I just remember walking through the little streets, observing the trampolines for the children, the tiny church in the middle of the island, the little community restaurant where after a certain time, the locals would show up and start conversing and drinking. Having fun, like people should be allowed to. I remember walking through the schoolyard, reflecting on how many children had grown through it, down by the harbor, a hopscotch design painted into the pavement, a lone lighthouse on the far end of the island. I just think sometimes that it’s remarkably beautiful that we can do this for ourselves. I think it’s amazing the communities we can develop and foster and nourish. Anyways, I tend to think like that when I don’t sleep much.’

December 28, 2016:

Sometimes I feel as though people have forgotten about the injury that happened to me and the physical limitations that accompanied it. I’m not saying that like it’s their responsibility to remember. I know a man’s place in society. I just have such joy at the sight in my mind of what our societies can be. It gets pretty despairing having gone through a lot and having no one. I wrote a book. Maybe, read through that again. There’s all sorts of trauma in the world. There is a lot of literature written towards traumatic reaction obtained through a single event. It is different from complex trauma that extends for years and where there is little chance of escape. Early trauma hardwires our nervous systems for stress. Trauma accumulates. “When our foundations are wrought with unprocessed injustice and feelings, this makes it more difficult to deal with injustices later. When our foundations are wrought with unprocessed trauma and feelings, this makes it more difficult to deal with everything that happens to confront us. It is when we have been able to process this trauma and injustice that great things are in sight.” Me Today I am thankful that the truth is going to come out, which will make sense of a lot of things. I hope as to why I have been having so much difficulty as well. Tonight, I am grateful for love. I know no body owes me anything. I want the best thing for your world. It’s not that I don’t. It’s that I resolved to overcome at the end. This has created a lot of problems for me. Even I recognize that I deserve so much better than this. I cannot explain how frustrated I get, in knowing what God had in store for me (not that I ever deserved it) when it is so difficult for me to regulate my feelings. I’m noticing a lot of people laughing at me today. Feeling frustrated that I don’t know what I am doing wrong. Things are going to get better. Very soon. You know how I feel. Remember through whatever darkness that comes that things are going to get better. I’ve really got to stop caring about what others are thinking of me. It’s not important. What is important is my mission. And I will finish well. Even if that means coming at a sacrifice of my glory. I was using everything that I could summon within my human body in order to keep alive and to ensure that I would never be hurt again in the ways that I was. They were hurting me so much. Or rather, I was being hurt so much. My world was fracturing nightly. For me, there is a reason why it has been such a struggle to surrender my being to love also as to why I chose to wait until the end to overcome. Everything can be overcome in the Name that brings love and joy in its Truth. I’m just asking you to have compassion. I am trying very hard. And it may not seem like it but I am working so very hard at everything I do. Probably in ways nobody can even see. Don’t believe until there’s reason to. I keep saying that. You might get a surprise. A lot of the time, I have to remind myself how blessed we are to have a God who knows what it’s like to be human. The temptations, the fears, the shame and the hopes and dreams. We can unite in love and faith once we realize that everyone suffers. That everyone hopes. That everyone dreams. It’s a truly global cause that every human experiences pain. Have faith. Society is increasingly isolating itself with technology and other coping mechanisms. We need to do this together. We all have access to the Word of God, the Holy Bible. I pray that you are not tempted into disbelieving my testimony because of the Truth of the Word of God and because of its unchanging nature. I assure you that I speak nothing other than the Gospel of Christ in love and truth and that any understatement on my part is only a result of the suffering I have endured as well as the mistakes that I myself have made as well as my limited language with which to express the things I know. The Apostle Paul was a great man and fully convicted in the faith. He was very vigilant about the Way. This had to be. And he was rightly glorified. Just as this has to be now. I have only told you the truth that comes from my heart. Still, I do not expect any of you to believe in my testimony until God has proven it as what He desires. “They have seen false visions and lying divinations. They say, ‘Declares the Lord,’ when the Lord has not sent them, and yet they expect him to fulfill their word” (Ezekiel 13:6). I am not asking you to believe now, just that you have faith and compassion and understanding. If it is His will, it will be made clear. For the Word of God is immutable and unchangeable unless God chooses to make it so. God’s heart is loving and eternally unchanging but it is evident in the Bible of passages that suggest God changes His mind on a temporal level: "So the Lord changed His mind about the harm which He said He would do to His people." (Exodus 32:14). In cases of sin and repentance, God can change His mind. We see this in the Garden of Eden as well as with the Christ. With human free will and as God learns about us by our decisions, God can change His mind. Other areas of the Scripture are sufficient but not entirely clear. I speak only what has been instructed me from God. I believe it because I have faith. What is the purpose of a prophet? It was either to defend, to call for a return or the application of a new, word of God. Just have faith. I admit that others could have done the job better than me. But I have run from Him far too many times in my life because of the weight on my heart and only want so much to do the will of God now. Keep faith. The Book of Remembrance has been written: “Those who feared the LORD talked with each other, and the LORD listened and heard. A scroll of remembrance was written in his presence concerning those who feared the LORD and honored his name. ‘On the day when I act,’ says the LORD Almighty, ‘they will be my treasured possession. I will spare them, just as a father has compassion and spares his son who serves him. And you will again see the distinction between the righteous and the wicked, between those who serve God and those who do not” (Malachi 3:16-18). The Book of Life is written. To them who believe in my testimony and what I have said has happened to me in my life, will have the Book of Life opened to them. My life has been one of sorrow and pain. All I needed and want now is for people to acknowledge and to respect what I know for a fact I have gone through. Have faith and keep patience. I am – was – just a human being like all of you. This letter, I admit, may be a little difficult for you to understand now. I apologize for this. I am explaining what I know in the only way I know how. If it is God’s will, things will be made increasingly clear. Until God created it, it didn’t exist. Think about that.

Some thoughts:

“Eventually, she would diagnose me as having the symptoms of complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. When she asked me about my childhood, I would clam up and sometimes start sweating. I would laugh all of the time when I first woke up. It was a defense mechanism against pain. I remember once laughing when a poor kid in the hospital was crying because he was hurt. I was laughing because his pain hurt me. I empathized with him and the feeling of connection was too much to bear. There were many reasons I would appear to laugh and cry at times. Merited the brain injury I had sustained probably made my expression of my emotions a little more dramatic, I didn’t feel things like others. My feelings and thought process had been severely injured by both what they had been doing to me and by the injury.” Trauma, shame and anger, if we do not release it, will fill into our hearts and continue to affect the way we live. This is true years after, if we repress the feelings. And so it was with me also, in addition to this quote from my book that another reason I have such difficulty controlling my emotions physically is because there is so much pent up anger and shame within my heart. A couple of days ago I went to the gym where I unloaded on the punching bag. And after, I felt so much better. This is what I am talking about. Though, truly for me, I was meant to disclose what was happening to me a lot sooner so that, there could have been justice carried out and I could have had the opportunity to express my feelings about what they did to me. “God values the protection and safety of children and of those suffering more than He values the endurance of pain for the sake of endurance. God would rather protect a child than have that child suffer and then have to forgive.” The way to overcome these feelings is by dealing with them and replacing the void with the Gospel and with the love of God. I felt this very clearly in the time I spent at the monastery in Georgia, where I quit a three pack of cigarette a day addiction in a day. “It’s a beautiful, wonderful world. It is a wonderful and great gift, this life, if we can allow our perspectives the shift for a moment to see how much we have, how much we are loved and how much we have waiting for us. If we choose to love. Please remember how important all of you are. You’re not animals. You are made in the image of God. However you choose to interpret that, I want you to take from it that you are beautiful. You are spiritual. You are precious gifts. You are all cherished in the eyes of God. And your existences matter a great deal.” You’re all very important. Remember how valuable you all are. And it’s very true. We have the responsibility to make of life whatever we have been given. We have the choice whether to be grateful or bitter. But we have to strive to remember that other people make very real choices that affect us. We have to take accountability, realizing that our actions greatly influence others’ lives. “I have turned my cheek in love and humility. Here, I’m not speaking about small things. Here, I’m speaking about rape, violent assaults and blatant attacks on my integrity from people who were and remain very close to my heart. If I have anything to boast about, it is surely in the Christ who has given hope where no hope existed. It is through Him that I have a chance. I can only boast in the love and faith I have held on to through the sufferings I have endured for the sake of the cross of Jesus. I cannot boast in any glory but the glory that God, the Father has offered me.” We have to make a commitment to help those who cannot help themselves. That is what being a human is about. I’m not judging or condemning at all (I don’t believe I am in a place to do that at all). All I can do is continue to try. And to be grateful.” I read what I wrote again and decided to repost it. What I wrote offers a fair understanding as to why I find it so difficult to deal effectively with stress now. When our foundations and groundings are shaky, we will not have effective footing from which to draw the resources we need to confront everything that comes our way. I’ve been noticing myself lapsing into old coping patterns and strategies over the past few days. Merited, this time for me is very stressful. In spite of the bodily stress I am feeling, I am feeling quite grateful. Try to be tolerant and understanding of the mistakes of others. We can’t see their life’s history. But we can empathize. Knowing that life, especially in these days, is not easy for anyone. Still, there are some things, which are not cool. It’s not cool to commit sin. God has compassion. But He will judge righteously. Reading this post of mine again, at the end I said, ‘all I can do is continue to try. And to be grateful.’ I believe I am stronger than that. I will triumph. Because, above all and certainly greater than the stresses is the beautiful truth that I am loved. What a beautiful truth that in the middle of all of these bad things happening in the world, we are so loved and cherished. The reason I didn’t get a job is not because I was lazy. It was because I didn’t feel I had anything to contribute. I was so filled with shame, especially stemming from the times in the past when I had tried employment and had not lived up to my own expectations. The reason I had not lived up to my own expectations is because I was being molested and/or raped at the times I sought employment in the past. I just became too overwhelmed to cope with what was happening to me and the responsibilities of a job. Now, I believe I have something to offer. Please remember, I was taught this shame. It’s nothing about my character. I suppose I could have tried harder. I suppose I could have gotten a job. I am not lazy though. I’ve written four books and create art every week. There are probably a few people who think I don’t know what hard work is. To these people, I ask, have you ever had to relearn to breathe? To swallow? To walk? I don’t mean this as a spiteful comment. Simply to display that while others have been working to make money, I have been working to keep alive. And the relearning/coping process did not stop after that injury. I’ve been working really hard. Just because you’re not getting paid, doesn’t mean you’re not working. Although, of course, I am not denying and am grateful for the incredible amount of hard work a lot of people put towards their jobs to support families. We just know work in different ways. Changes are coming. Everyone has been through so much. Regardless of your religion, race or history, we all hurt in the same way. Though our reactions differ and greatly do they differ, we were all children at one point, longing for our mothers to hold us and comfort us. We need to empathize with our brother. Don’t forget the awe and beauty of this world. I see people standing next to gulls and walking through flocks of pigeons like nothing is happening. If you remove the common place occurrence that this is, and mind you, the peskiness of these animals and just step back and view these scenes for the magic they actually are, you’d be surprised. This applies to everything. Just think of the joy and majesty of creation that went into their forming. Think back, remember, as a child, viewing the world for the first time. This entire world is a testimony to the awesome love and power and glory of God Almighty. Everything you have done as a world is magnificent. I remember, (and I’m not sure if I have mentioned this before) during the time I spent on Grimsey Island, I was reflecting a lot. I was taking a lot in visually. In spite of the incredible beauty of the island and the genuine warmth of the people there, there was not much to see. The thought was welcomed in my mind that life can flourish anywhere. All it takes is more than one person. The warmth and love I was shown in my time on this quaint and unique little island, with a population of no more than 100 in the summer, kindled something genuine and irreplaceable for me. I just remember walking through the little streets, observing the trampolines for the children, the tiny church in the middle of the island, the little community restaurant where after a certain time, the locals would show up and start conversing and drinking. Having fun, like people should be allowed to. I remember walking through the schoolyard, reflecting on how many children had grown through it, down by the harbor, a hopscotch design painted into the pavement, a lone lighthouse on the far end of the island. I just think sometimes that it’s remarkably beautiful that we can do this for ourselves. I think it’s amazing the communities we can develop and foster and nourish. Anyways, I tend to think like that when I don’t sleep much.

Keeping Faith

Satan is a punk. He's a counterfeit and a liar. Nothing in God's Creation belongs to Satan. It's true that that spirit has been given authority over this world for a time, it hasn't always been this way. Don't forget what this world was created for. It was created for Creation to have relationship and fellowship with our Father. It's true that our world is in a rough state. People are hurting. But I have a lot of faith that things can get better. That hearts can be turned. No one knows the appointed time set by the Father. What we can do while we are waiting for His glorious return, is continue our work towards making this world a better place by loving and helping each other.

Truth about this:

Just keep faith, please. I know it’s difficult to believe in something without corroboration, especially coming from a man who is as emotionally scarred as I am. There’s a powerful statement that goes that out of the most damaging wounds and deepest scars, emerge the most beautiful souls. I guess I know now that I do not deserve a lot of the things God has offered me. But I have faith that He will give me more than what I deserve on the day of my judgement because of His great love. I am not asking you to have faith in me. Have faith in God’s capacity of love. Truth will come out.

Perspective (Updated):

This is very much an apology. I can't get the people who have been hurt as a result of what happened to me off of my mind. Those I have hurt in any way deserve much better. And I feel I have tried to address this apology in other literature I have written. This is a sincere and honest examination of myself in how I may have grieved others over the course of my life. Anyone who knows me well knows how accountable I am for my own sins. I have taken sins that even were commit prior to my baptism to confession for the victim party's peace of mind. I have apologized directly to a number of my victims and I have even, taken some of my reactions to the authority. I did this based on misguided advice but in full faith that my side of the story would be revealed simultaneously. Anyways, this is the reason that I have been marked with a record. Seems underhanded to me but I accept. And I have faith that when the truth about this comes out, everything will make a lot more sense. It is taking a lot for me to humble myself into saying that I am a sinner just like my abusers and those who have hurt me. I just wish that you could see the full extent of the awful experiences that I went through so that you could have an idea about why I was stumbled into a lot of the acts of my own life. In no way does that excuse it. But, I have repented. My book is as much confession as it was an account. I confessed everything in my book, to the best of my ability. I went to confession about things that happened before my baptism. Because I felt these people deserved that. Who can say that they have never done anything wrong? I’m asking you and the people involved to forgive me but also to understand why I did this with the incredible weight of what was happening to me. Keep things in perspective. I don’t want this statement to appear pointed or offer any justification, because in no way does it, but I was still very much a child when I did what I did. As the age of reason is influenced by a number of factors. I was still enduring what I endured when I reacted. And I am actively taking initiative to heal from the ‘crimes’ committed against me. What I did does not change what my abusers did.  There is so much more to humanity than the abuser/victim dynamic. It is so much more complex than this. According to the Gospel, we are all in a sense abusers. As we are all victims. Wait for the secret sins. This is not to excuse poor behavior but rather to emphasize the truth that while we are living in this broken world, we all have the capacity of both hurting and of being hurt. The reason it is taking me so much humility to say is because trauma accumulates, suffering stumbles and this particular behavior perpetuates itself. There are a lot of reasons why I did what I did. I was reacting to cope with what happened into my early twenties. I repressed my sexuality by the time i was 14 years old. It’s funny that once I was able to open my heart to a woman, I would realize how much love I have in my heart to give. That I felt this way because of what happened to me. These are not character traits. That I was reacting. And that I repented immediately after I realized what happened to me because in realizing what happened to me, I recognized what caused this reaction in me. When I received healing and a good example of what true Christian love looked like, I experienced a complete change of heart. There are many reasons for that but this is true. Again, it does not make it right. But, what they did to me was literally over the course of decades and it was very serious. I had violent crimes commit against me every day prior to the age of fifteen. I say with love that this was a part of my message. This is a reason I have come. Don’t judge by appearances. It’s tempting but there are always reasons, perhaps neurotic but very real and logical in some way that is clear to the person, for why a person does something. I admit completely, I am the first person to say that I have a tainted past. The tainted past that I have was very much caused by the traumas and sufferings that affected me in my development. I can say that I am a changed man today. I am changed by the love and grace and mercy of God and the sacrifice of the Lord Jesus. There is little way that I could feel worse for what I did as a youth. But these are symptoms not character traits. I should have known better. Having gone through this myself. And then to place the weight unfairly onto the shoulders of another. There was only one reason that I did these things. It was because I was being hurt terribly in my own life. This is hardly an excuse. I am sorry for what I did. I pray they’ve been able to see the confession and apology I wrote them in my book and know that I do not deny or invalidate their pain. I tried my best to confess a lot of what I had done in my book. I just did not want to hurt them. I respect their suffering as much as my own. I wish I could take their suffering away. They are truly blessed if they have families; if they are able to form relationships. They are especially blessed if their truth is out in the open and they are getting the support for the healing they deserve. This is not a blessing that I have had. I just pray for their lives. I hope in my heart that they have found forgiveness for me and most of all, for themselves. I pray that they’re able to see what I was going through and more so, that they can see the goodness within themselves. We all have secrets in our hearts. This behavior perpetuates much more than we are ready to admit. We talk about a rape culture. I don't think we understand how real this is. We have all sinned. Are your sins hiding still? Are they in the light of day or are they shrouded in darkness? We all have a responsibility to heal from our pasts. I am a sinner, admittedly. Understanding the concept that suffering stumbles, what was happening to me began when i was an infant. We all are. I have fell to my knees in shame crying out for forgiveness to God about this. I am ashamed of a lot of my past. The only part I would change is the unwise decisions I have made to hurt other beings because of the suffering I was going through then. This is part of the message I have been sent to bring. I just wasn’t as strong as I should have been. But I am healing. I am taking a proactive step forward in my life. The sins of my past were not mistakes in my ministry. I was baptized in my early twenties and was still being abused even after my baptism.

I think a lot of people still view me as the man I used to be. Most of the things I used to do, the bad things, the stealing, the lying, the pornography and hurting myself, the symptoms, I haven’t done for years. I can’t tell you how painful, how incredibly shaming and stressful it is to continually have to defend the way I was – most of which happened when I was a child, mind you – when that life was suffering so much. Everything I was doing was a masque to cope with very big feelings that I couldn't cope with on my own. Don’t deny people’s ability to change. Let me say that again: I was a child. When a child does these sort of things, it is a blatant indication that something else is happening. Children are not born bad. My sexuality is pretty shamed and damaged. When the truth comes out, things will make a lot more sense than they do now, today. I suppose I cannot blame you for how you are reacting. I’m just saying, I’ve been very open with my life, faults and all. Even down to my medical history and finances. When the truth comes out…

There is an element of this situation you are not getting. It is pretty unfair for me that how I reacted to what was happening to me is coming out first. Regardless, when the truth comes out, we will see. We will feel differently about a lot of things. Do you remember what I am claiming to have been through? Have you forgotten about my writings so soon? Yes, there is no corroboration. To you, this is a phantom crime. To me, I live with the effects every day of having been raped and abused by people very close to me for over twenty years. I have no doubts that truth will come out. The reason I keep saying we’ll see is because we might get a surprise as to the severity of the abuse in my case. It’s a psychological fact that some traumas will affect people more. Based on a number of variables. Relationship to abuser, duration of abuse, extent of abuse, whether the abuse was disclosed and not believed. There is a difference 

between a thousand rapes, a single rape and a stare. Based on the fact that trauma accumulates. We might get a surprise. I am not saying that to justify or minimize anyone’s experiences. I am just saying, though while everyone suffers, not everyone suffers equally. And I praise God for truth. Read everything else I write with this in mind. Read things in context. I am not not sorry. I feel terribly for what I did. Still you have to consider my age and the fact that I was literally going through what happened on a nightly basis. It’s not an excuse. I know people are angry at me right now. 

Believe me when I say that abuse is never a child’s fault. And that when these sort of things are happening to a child, their path in life will almost certainly be altered. Or stumbled. Clear fact that a child treated this way for most of its life, will be affected. Its path will be affected. I don’t expect you to believe anything at this time. I want to remind myself that God doesn’t owe me anything. And I believe that if I keep this in my heart, that nothing I could do could merit me the amazing gifts God has prepared for me, I will be able to accept the truth when it comes with grace and patience. 

My sexuality has already been shamed nearly to the point of death. I want you to know that this is not about making anyone feel bad. It is not about vengeance. You have all tried very hard to accept me. I wish I could have been stronger. You’re working so hard. You’ve been brave for so long. This will not be difficult forever. There is so much to look forward to. I just hope you can remember the state I am going into this with. You will rejoice. I hope I will be able to enjoy it with you.

When a child learns from the youngest possible age that this is normal and appropriate behavior, that this is what they are worth, that this is how adults show love to children, it is nearly guaranteed that they also will learn this behavior. This is not behavior isolated to me. It’s a lot more common than we admit. A lot more common than we want to know. I’ve said before that it is a miracle that I didn’t turn out worse. I didn't grow as a Christian. I didn't know Christ growing. Actually, realizing there was a lot of satanic stuff in my childhood. I was sold to satan when I was an infant. I am not justifying what I did. I just hope you can see what I was up against. I have absolutely done things I am not proud of but I have exhausted a lot of energy and time into making sure it doesn’t happen again. I’ve gone out of my way to change. I am a changed heart. Please keep things in perspective when you assess what I have done with what I have been through. It’s important not to judge. Sexual abuse, the only perspective that is important is the victim’s. But we cannot deny our capacity as living, reactive creatures to both harm and to be harmed. There are some things, which all creatures know are wrong. Child abuse is one of them. Yet, we have sin etched in our collective heart. We go against God all the time. The reason I have to stand up for my rights now is because they literally have robbed me of a life, stripping me of choice because of the dynamics involved. They made a lifestyle of abuse. Happened daily, crimes... daily. No exaggeration. It doesn’t matter if I submitted. Of course I submitted. They groomed me from infancy, teaching me it was all I was worth. They should have known better. They were the adults. In most ways, I knew that all of this stuff would be brought to the surface. And believe me, in no way am I defending what I have done in the past and some of the ways I have learned to cope. I know it was wrong. Believe me, I know it was wrong. But, I am changed. You ask how I can be sure. Because I have learned to love again. When I received healthy role models for love and masculinity and ways to express emotions, I healed. Again, it does not make it right. But, what they did to me was literally over the course of twenty years and it was very serious. I pray that you all remember how much courage it takes to admit you have done wrong. Especially in an area as sensitive as this. It takes an unbelievable amount of courage to admit your sinful nature. Everybody should do the same. We are more alike than you want to believe. But it is the foundation of our faith, is it not? I say with love that this was a part of my message. This is the reason I have come. Don’t judge by appearances. It’s tempting but there are always reasons, perhaps neurotic but very real and logical in some way that is clear to the person, for why a person does something. I admit completely, I am the first person to admit that I have a tainted past. The tainted past that I have was very much caused by the traumas and sufferings that affected me in my development. I can say that I am a changed man today. I am changed by the love and grace and mercy of God and the sacrifice of the Lord Jesus.” When close adults begin molesting and treating vilely a child in its infancy, it is little doubt – nor should anyone be surprised – when that child grows up and has difficulties. I think it is plaid that something like that will affect a person and the path they choose later in life. Even the strongest animal, a lion or elephant, when continually kicked, shamed and abused will learn to lower its head. I’m living in grace. I have confessed a lot of things I have been through, terrible, shameful things that most people would be content not sharing openly with the world. I have also confessed some bad things I have done. But I recognize why I did these things and as sincerely as I was able, apologized and repented. In my writing, if not directly to the individuals. My abusers sins are still in darkness.” The porn, I watched as a completely neurotic way to cope with what was happening or had happened to me. It was like a drug. It was a way to masque my emotions. When I realized what I was doing, I stopped looking at the shit entirely. Have been off it for nearly ten years. Anyways, I want to be honest. Because that is more than I ever got. Still, I have faith that things will get better. That the truth will come out. Really, what effect will my forgiveness have unless the truth comes out? I’m just not entirely sure why the authorities didn’t investigate further or contact me when they found out part of what I was saying was true. Instead, they underhandedly gave me a record because of my own confession in my claims. Name of God!

It is reasonable but actually quite unfair that my history should be brought out. Remember who reported this crime. Remember the fact that for the most part, I was a child too when I reacted, if not in age, then in emotional well-being. It does not excuse it. Remember my message. Things may seem like they’re struggling at the moment. But with God, everything works together for the good. Sometimes not in the ways you’d expect. But truth will be revealed. They can bring up everything bad that I have done. There will not be a shortage. I was stumbled from day one. I think it is very difficult to expect a child going through so much to be perfect. The adult is always the one who makes the decision in cases of abuse. When you see a child doing those sort of things, it is more than often a symptom of something going on. It is more than often never a character trait. The adult is always the one who makes the decision in cases of abuse. Abuse is never the child’s fault. There’s no sense in pointing fingers. Except for one thing: I was an infant when they started doing this to me. Completely innocent. I hope you can see why I am having such difficulty in accepting that ‘there are two or three more fingers pointing back at me’ when so much of what I have done is a reaction to what they did to me. This is not about blame. I have complete faith in Christ’s just judgement. It’s about truth. The world has to rejoice – not just the Church. If there is one thing I am continually learning, it’s that how people feel is never final. 

You might not be thinking things through fully. It feels a little uncanny that I have to keep telling my story. Also, that it feels like I have to keep apologizing. I will apologize for the rest of my life for what I did. But don’t forget that I have never received apology or even acknowledgement for what they did to me. Which is really all I want. When truth comes out in my case, will I receive an apology? I doubt it. But I will be free. There is a difference between once and ten thousand times. Remember trauma and shame accumulate. It doesn’t undermine the action or how a person reacts to it. But there is certainly a difference in traumatic effect. I understand and I have empathy. It is just difficult and sort of perpetuates the shame I feel in addition to this silence. One thing I know for certain, Truth is only going to have so much more value when it comes out in all of this darkness. I’m not a mind reader. I don’t have anyone informing me on this mission. I rely completely on the insight and wisdom that our Father has given me. That’s not a boast. I’m saying that to emphasize the fact that no one is helping me. Yet, I’ve all the help I need. I feel I need to keep reminding people that I was a baby when they started abusing me. I was wed to Satan as an infant. This is not the child's choice. I was an infant. Growing up, my abusers raped me. My male abuser started raping me as soon as he sensed I was big enough. With my female abuser, it was more of a grooming process. Although my female abuser started when I was very young as well. Again, this is not a condemnation. These are real experiences that I have lived, which have served to shape me. For the good. And in a lot of ways, in injuring ways. Don’t forget what part of my message is: that trauma accumulates. That shame accumulates. As long as it goes unprocessed. Feeling devastated and unworthy, I vowed not to overcome until the end. Still, I think I am doing a spot on job of addressing many of the issues that challenge me. I am challenging the negative thoughts as they come, with a new statement that I am saying to myself: “I am worth the precious blood of Jesus.” I am a resurrected man. You know this to be true. It is envy and a lack of justice that prevents you from accepting it. This desire for justice is misplaced. 

You need take into account, the extremely debilitating trauma of sexual assault and abuse at such early ages. We are absolutely to forgive. The Bible does not tell us to forgive and forget. The Bible does not tell us to act as if the sin had never occurred and live as if you don’t remember it. A rape victim can choose to forgive the rapist but that does not mean that the sin never happened. To spend time with the rapist, especially if they are unrepentant, is not what Scripture teaches. I came across an example on a website that I hope will help bring a little more clarity to what I am saying: "You told me that I needed to forgive my husband and be reconciled. But he was abusive to me for years. I took the abuse far too long because my pastor told me I should submit. Then when I saw him begin to abuse my children as well, I gathered the courage to leave him for good. Now you tell me I have to forgive him as if it never happened.” ‘When wrong doing is chronic, reconciliation is difficult and perhaps inadvisable.’ We can forgive within our spirits, but the full restoration of a relationship requires the commitment of both parties. Search your hearts and you will know that what I am saying is very reasonable. Forgiveness means that we don’t harbor ill will toward the person who wronged us, but it does not mean that the wrong was right. Forgiveness involves not holding a sin against another any longer, but forgiveness is different than trust. Sometimes, the dynamics of the relationship will have to change. “The prudent see danger and take refuge, but the simple keep going and pay the penalty” (Proverbs 22:3). I do love them; my abusers. I want you to see this trauma and recognize it, not out of vengeance or spite; definitely not, but rather out of an appeal to mercy. I cannot explain to you how this all affected me and mostly, how it affects me in such a negative way when I continue to interact with them and communicate with them. But they are very real feelings. As real as a broken arm or a fractured bone. There definitely was a reason I was chosen. I admit others could have done a better job here than me. I have a hard time admitting that others, having endured what I endured, could do a better job than I. Still, “If you forgive the sins of any, they are forgiven them. If you do not forgive them, they are not forgiven,” (John 20:23). I personally choose to liberate them from the debt they owe me, before God the Father, because they are God's children too. But the pain I have is very real and is absolutely not a choice. Please. Have empathy and understand that human beings can suffer. We are flesh and blood. But we are so much more than just that. We have a spirit. We are God’s children. That is why I forgive. I am sure of this: it is not me who forgives. It is the Spirit within me. There is no other explanation. But the pain is very real and goes deeper than flesh. And that pain, we cannot run from. We are going to have to deal with it sooner or later. My soul is wounded. Only Christ, only love can fix this. But we need physical love in complement to spiritual love. Without it, we cannot understand the concept of a God who loves us unconditionally. We need physical love to remind us that we are human, made in the image of God. But when we are not just deprived of this love but treated in terrible ways in the name of love, it becomes so destructive. We crave love. But yet, we push it away because it is threatening to us. We cannot have it because it is terrifying. And it is terrifying that we cannot have it. Our souls are damaged because love was replaced by fear. And that is not a choice. In spite of the pain I feel, I choose to forgive. I choose to forgive because it's for me. I choose to forgive them in spite of the fact that they knew exactly what they were doing and still, thirty years later, have not admitted their sin or repented. Rather they justify it and try to villianize me as though I asked for it. I was a little boy. What little boy asks to be abused? Read that sentence a couple of times. Not out of spite, do I say that. Rather out of emphasis. I forgive them because I can have empathy. But the pain and hurt we feel is very real. The pain we feel, we cannot simply push aside. We cannot simply run away from our problems and hurts. We need to confront them. Because if we don’t, these issues will just get worse. Like an alcoholic, if left unchecked in his alcoholism, will only deteriorate. This is what I am actively doing right now. I am healing. And if that seems like I am withholding forgiveness, forgive me. I am not withholding forgiveness. I am making the conscious decision to heal from my wounds. I am making a conscious decision to confront my problems head on. The most important element of healing is going into your wounds, opening them up and exploring them. Going into your past and exploring it. Going into your thoughts and exploring them. But I will not stop my healing recovery and journey. I am so much better than I was. And I owe that to Christ and to my desire to heal of the problems I have. I desire to heal. We must not run from our feelings. Please have patience. I am not a bad person. I am a victim. And I am not of a victim mindset. Even though, I have grown up, literally being a victim of many, many ‘crimes’. I am also an offender. I am not a narcissist. What distinguish's a narcissist from one who is simply reacting from trauma is conscience. One day, very soon, every single man, woman and even child, will be able to admit that they are both victim and offender as well. Again, I am not saying these things out of anger. I just feel it’s necessary to remind you of these facts, which are entirely reasonable. In spite of everything, I choose to forgive. I am trying so hard. I am just healing. Something we all need to do. And I absolutely recognize that it is all for the glory of God. Please, just have compassion on those suffering. Please, have mercy.

Don’t forget that children do not simply do stuff like that. Facts are evasive and elusive. I know how hard it is to believe something, which there is little proof for. I guess I am asking you to have faith a while longer. There is proof too. In things I have done and said. Wisdom that is not my own. You will see.

There is a reason I did not deserve what happened to me, in spite of the things that I have done. I empathize with your desire for this being something I deserved. The fact is that the abuse happening to me began when I was younger than an infant. Knowing that shame accumulates, as with trauma and that this sort of behavior has the potential to perpetuate. By the time I did these things I was already abused for well over a decade. You will see.

It is God who has done this work in me. With the amount of suffering I have been through in my life, if I had not God as a continual working Presence in my life, I would be a literal wreck of a human life. Again to you who I have left with scars, I am truly sorry. I pray for your forgiveness. I pray also that you understand what I was going through when I did this to you. Really, I do absolutely feel that some people can go through more severe circumstances in life. Many factors contribute to both the traumatic effect one faces and their emotional abilities to cope with that trauma later on down the road. Of course, that is not to compare. Neither is that to excuse or to try to be insensitive to the injuries of others. I guess I just feel that it is a fact that because trauma and shame accumulate, there are many factors, which can contribute to an injury or a series of injuries leaving more of an effect. Factors like relationship to the abuser, earlier it starts, extent, use of violence, whether your story was heard and believed if there was any disclosure. Everything I have said is true. From a child’s perspective. But this is why, in a sense, I desire validation for what I have been through. Because of the extreme nature of my abuse. I don’t have the tools to know how to love. (Returning to read this, I want to leave it up as a testimony). Love, growing up, was a trap, set as the bait for abuse and terrible pain I would wish on no one. I combat these thoughts with Christ, with the truth that I am loved. I just feel that because this abuse happened to me at such an early age, the defence mechanisms are ingrained. I need help. God knows I will not give up on love until my last breath expires. But I need to keep faith. I need to keep doing what I am doing. There is no question that things will get worse. They will get better again. There will be rest. There will be peace. I want to use the voice that I have now to encourage all of you to stay strong in your faith, to not give up. Keep vigilant and watch on your heart. Do not allow anyone to test you of your firmly held convictions. Don’t be deceived by flattery. I’m looking forward to this event, even though I know what it will eventually bring will be hard to face, I know in my heart what awaits on the other side of our convictions. I know what waits for us after we have persevered and fought this battle with all our hearts, right out to the end. Keep faith. I still have not given up faith nor have stopped believing that things can get better before this happens. Keep faith brothers and sisters. God is with you. God is with you most when you feel He is absent. Just please, remember what I am claiming. And my memory is not flawed. I just hope you, the people I have hurt over the course of my life, are happy and that you have forgiven yourself. Things are going to get better. For you and for everyone else. I hope you can forgive me. If not now, understandably, than when the truth comes out. Everything I wrote about in my writings is real. Peace be with you. Please remember what I have been through. If it means anything, keep things in perspective. Know none of this was your fault. And I happen to know very well that God wouldn’t allow anything to happen that would hurt you, as a people. Trust in your God. He will not let you down. I wish you could see how hard I am trying. I want the best for you, for our… world. 

The fact that a man who smoked twenty cigarettes a day in year’s past but since has done everything in his power to avoid cigarettes, while he is going around advocating the fact that smoking is bad for you does not make him a hypocrite. The fact that he has taken part in the thing he is criticizing does not undermine the integrity of his argument. I understand how you’re feeling. Please remember my message. That trauma accumulates, shame accumulates and this sort of behavior has the potential to perpetuate. I hope this will make more sense to you after some time. Like I said, this was bound to come out. The reason my sins, every sin that I commit from kindergarten, is emerging before the truth about what happened to me emerges is because the evil one is trying to snuff me out. He knows that what happened to me justifies and vindicates me completely. Please, remember me. There is a reason for all of this. Truth will come out.

A Final Word for 2016:

This is going to be the final post I post here for a while at least. I feel as though I need to rely on and place my trust more completely into the hands of the Father. With the faith that whatever arises, He will redeem and glorify me as I deserve. I will continue to write. I will absolutely not give up. I'm asking for your mercy. Believe me, with the fullness of my heart, I want the best for all of you. And if I have hurt people (I know I have) God knows how sorry I am. I hope that you can sympathize with me and what I was going through. Please just know how much you are valued and loved. Remember that it is not against the Gospel to help those who are suffering. Jesus, come. “The Spirit and the Bride say, ‘Come.’ And let the one who hears say, ‘Come.’ And let the one who is thirsty come; let the one who desires take the water of life without price.” (Revelation 22:17). Salvation is available to everyone. I went into this knowing I'd have little support. Darkness has been permitted to grow strong. But only for a time. Truth will come out. I am certain of this. In everything, God be praised. Read it again. Whatever happens tomorrow, I know and rest my faith in His love. Whatever darkness comes, will be like dust. It will last only a while. I’m prepared for what’s ahead. Your world is hurting right now. Healing is coming. Rest is coming. In whatever has to follow, please know that while I am here, I will continue to encourage, to explain and to help. If you are willing, keep faith, please. I know it’s difficult to believe in something without corroboration, especially coming from a man who is as emotionally scarred as I am. There’s a powerful statement that goes that out of the most damaging wounds and deepest scars, emerge the most beautiful souls. I guess I know now that I do not deserve a lot of the things God has offered me. But I have faith that He will give me more than what I deserve on the day of my judgement because of His great love. I am not asking you to have faith in me. Have faith in God’s capacity of love. We can focus on the bad things in life, the things we don’t have. Have you ever paused to think about how great your life is? To think about the amazing gift you’ve been given. Lately I have been going through an awful lot of reflecting. Some of it has been positive. But a lot of it has been negative. I want you to know that we have a right to our feelings, to feel discouraged and hurt. And that whatever we are feeling, there is reason for why we feel. This is human. But it’s so very important to return to the absolute certainty that you are loved. We need to explore these recesses of hurt. But with the foundation of love and hope for the future. I know this is difficult for you to believe me. It’s difficult for me to know a truth and have it clouded in obscurity to the rest. The darkness is strong here. But people make choices in this life, which we will be held accountable for sooner or later. Don’t misunderstand the reasons people do things. I just have faith that there is a reason to this. And that when it’s the right time, it will be revealed. And I have faith in my God. Please just remember to have compassion on people who are having difficulty in life, for there is a reason. There is always a reason. Please have compassion. The key to this is taking this shame and offering it to Jesus. But we need to heal the wounds created. Only the love of Jesus can do this. I know this process is difficult for people. I wish you could see how it’s all affecting me. Remember these two things. Nothing bad and born of darkness is impossible in the darkness. This world belongs, though temporarily, to the evil one. Everything for the good and that which is illuminating is possible in God. There is a reason all of this is so obscured right now. There is also a reason my abuse seems so preposterous. The love of Christ Jesus, be with you. Peace be with our world.

August 23, 2016:

Concept of intimacy doesn’t feel normal to me. It seems foreign to me that sex and physical love could be positive. My aversion is clearly understandable to me at least. Even with something good and normal, like water, if a young boy from a very young age was continually shamed for his desire to drink it and nearly drowned as a response, it is obvious that that boy will grow up with an unhealthy view of both his need for the life sustaining substance and of it in general. As a testimony, as a prelude to my next journal entry: Keep what I have been through in mind. It feels as though an entirely new gender has appeared overnight. Love feels different than abuse. I spent the past week with an amazing friend from Edmonton. I spent an amazing weekend with her in June and at New Years of this year. This time I went to Edmonton to see her. I can’t tell you how relaxing and amazing this week has been. The first night we were there, I asked her if she would take me to church. So she took me to St. Theresa’s Parish. We got there a little early. I prayed the rosary while we waited. She was really cool about the fact that we arrived like an hour early. I knew she was not used to going to church so I explained the process of Mass to her and invited her to approach at the offering for a blessing. It was an amazing start to our trip together. The day after, we went to the movies where we saw Bad Moms. Later, we went to Fort Edmonton Park where we rode the little steam engine train into the restored village from the end of the 19th century. On the 20th, we went to Northlands Racetrack where we saw Paul Brandt perform in the infield. That was quite an experience for me because I really enjoy his music. We went to a bar called the Trap and Gill. It was an awesome bar. I feel I drank a bit more than I should have when we went to the bar. It had been a long time since I had drank that much. I guess I wasn’t aware of my limit. I was feeling fine sitting. Then when I stood, everything hit me. I stopped after this. Anyways, I have kept it in moderation for the rest of the week. I have quite a serious injury. This affects the way I walk. Because I stumble does not mean I am drunk. I was celebrating. Though, I do feel it is not right for me to drink to excess. I will go to confession. I’m not going to be held back by old methods of coping that clearly need to change. To be clear, I have not gone back to old coping patterns. I was celebrating. But I want the love that is in my heart to show in what I do and say. I’m going to put others before myself a lot more. I’m going to make a fresh start. A couple of positive things about the week: I’m proud of myself that I avoided cigarettes all week, while Donna smokes. Though, really, I have never had any real cravings to look back. I’m proud of myself that in the time I went to the casino for the concert, we did not spend any time gambling. Infinitely more than that, I spent the week, I guess you could say, learning to love again. In so many ways. Especially with what I have been through. And I know what I am claiming is to a lot of people still sort of a phantom crime, though I know you want to believe me, I am learning and learned so much this week that I absolutely deserve love and intimacy. But I also learned that love is about so much more than sex and intimacy. I learned that love is not dangerous as it was hardwired into my mind. Consent and intimate expression of love are sexy. Anyways, I’m realizing that I deserve love. Especially with what I have been through. Waiting allows a relationship to grow so that God can be the focus of the relationship. Though we need, I think, to examine each situation with love and respect. I deserve to be happy, if God says that. God has encouraged me to be happy my entire life. Remember, you cannot forget that God is above all, a loving Father to they who also love Him. Remember that. I went to confession for my conscience. Confession is very important. I consider myself blessed to have grown my faith in a Baptist and an evangelical church. In this spiritual upbringing, so to speak, I learned a very valuable lesson that has kept with me. I learned that when we are in Christ, the Law is written on our hearts. With this comes a changed self. But the change in self is very important. I learned the very valuable tenet that Christ died for our sins and that forgiveness is available through grace through faith. Still, I have come to believe and this is only my belief, that as our aim is holiness and righteousness, we should strive to keep ourselves pure. In my opinion, there is a purpose in humility, contrition and penance. I believe very strongly that what God wanted me to do, what He has always wanted me to do was to open my heart. I believe that allowing my heart to open was the right thing. I know God wanted me to be happy with my childhood. I’m feeling alive. Even though a part of me has died. High five to life, seriously. I got in touch with a part of myself that was literally dead prior to this week. I am feeling so wonderfully blessed to have met Donna. Love can heal anything. The healing power of the love of God in absolute faith is what raised Lazarus from the dead. Especially in cases where love and intimacy have been used abusively, love and physical love are all the more important when it comes to the healing process. I intend to live well here forward. I want to ensure that everything I do and say comes from a place of love. Please remember that love is one of the basest of human needs. I was deprived of that on every account for the entirety of my life. I have never experienced love, even from a mother. God is compassionate. I was meant to be happy. To show that even after and through the worst of abuses, it is possible to overcome through love. But I have faith they are not against my conscience. I have faith that God wanted me to be happy. Tradition is very important. I'm asking you to remember God's love. Remember what I am claiming. I assure you that even though this is still in darkness to you, I live every moment with the consequences of over two decades of terrible abuse. Suffering itself, suffering for suffering’s sake does not make one holy. Unless that suffering was endured for His glory. It’s about how we react to suffering. And I do not feel I am doing that bad, in the face of everything I am up against. I hope you will be able to see, when the truth comes out, just how much faith it took. I cannot and will not stop speaking my truth. The symptoms are all there. I am not nor have I ever expected anyone to believe until after there was corroboration. When the truth comes out. God bless you. I feel like I finally have a happy ending to my story.

A few special people:

I am overwhelmingly grateful for being able to open my heart. And I am so grateful for the woman with whom it happened. I couldn’t be happier. Donna, I love you. You are very important to me. Still after this week, I reflected, regretting over the relationships and experiences I was not able to experience because I wasn’t in a place healthy enough to. I am very sad that now that I am able to date and have a friendship, I lost some of the most beautiful women I have ever known. I can’t believe that I let them go. What I really can’t believe is how much effort they put into trying to get me to open up. A few especially. But another thing accepting that feeling of love and acceptance is doing for me is showing me that I have to treat myself with gentleness and respect as well. I wasn’t in a place healthy enough to show these two women how much I loved them. And I did love them, legitimately. I think I still do. I love a lot of people for their ability to see hope in me when everybody wanted to give up. These women are constantly in my heart. And regardless of what happens, that will never change. I wish I could have been stronger. I know this will not make entire sense to you now but I want to be the one to lead you to salvation. And I want them to know how much I value them. My heart wants for you to be glad and to be at peace, in joy and love. I just want you to know how much you mean to me and how much your concern and drive to help means to me. I am very happy and my heart is filled with gratitude. There will be little time to be sad.

Positive affirmations:

1. I love and approve of myself. I value my identity. 2. I am too valuable to waste my time on self-pity and sadness. 3. I am grounded, safe and nurtured. 4. I am loved. 5. I trust myself. 6. I am a unique child of God. 7. I have as much brightness to offer this world as anyone else. The brightness I have to offer is unique to my own life. 8. I trust my inner wisdom and intuition. 9. Great things will unfold before me. 10. I forgive myself for all of the mistakes I have made. I forgive myself for things that are not my responsibility to carry. 11. I accept responsibility if my anger has hurt anyone. And offer my apology. 12. I replace my anger with compassion and understanding. 13. I fully approve of who I am, even as I get better. 14. I adopt the mindset to praise myself. 15. Everything works out for my highest good. 16. I follow my dreams no matter what. 17. I trust in my own ability to provide well for myself. 18. I choose to fully participate in my day. 19. I believe in my ability to change the world with the work that I do. 20. I take comfort in the fact that I can always leave this situation. 21. I am beautiful and smart and that’s how everyone sees me. 22. I take great pleasure in my friends, even if we disagree or live different lives. 23. I trust myself to make the best decision for me. 24. I trust in my ability to do the right thing. 25. I trust in God that even though things may be difficult now, they will work out well. 26. I am strong enough. 27. God loves me and I choose to see myself through the eyes of my Lord Jesus. 28. I am prudent and think before I act and speak. 29. I am doing the right thing if I follow my heart in faith, even if it hurts. 30. I believe in myself, even when no one else does. 31. This will end well. 32. I have seen Heaven. I want Heaven. 33. I am loved. I am able to love and to accept love. 34. I care about my friends and want the best for them. 35. I want the best for myself and deserve great things. 36. I want to do the will of God. 37. I crave to finish my race well. 38. I am creative and productive. 39. I deserve intimacy, love and passion. 40. I want what God has offered me. 41. I want to glorify God.

A thought in solitude:

I don’t feel I am doing too badly. I smiled this entire morning. I feel good about myself. This morning, there was an older woman who had a bit of difficulty getting onto the bus. I was about to help her but she got on. When she sat, her walker was kind of rolling around. I noticed she was going to get off the bus and that her walker was rolling away from her. So I put my foot under one of the wheels. I think she misunderstood my intentions. I was trying to help. I have so much to be grateful for. Today, I saw a counselor. He encouraged me to make a list of the positive things I can think of with everything that is happening at the moment. This got me thinking. There certainly are some positives. I didn’t get much work done today. This evening, a community cat (there are a couple) I have seen before was waiting in the courtyard of my neighborhood as I walked up the path. I sat and he came over and purred and rubbed up against me a bunch. It was very nice even though I had to wash my hands immediately after. I smiled again today. Truth will certainly come out. It gets debilitating sometimes, having truth suppressed like this. I saw a page from the internet about children who speak up against maltreatment. This quote stuck with me and I have been meditating over it for the past while: ‘If the child's story is trusted, the implications for action are far reaching for both the child and the family. On the other hand, if the child is not believed and the allegation is true, the effect on the child will almost surely be devastating.’ And surely, not only for the reason that in a child’s situation, the disbelief that could occur there could potentially lead to the child continued to be left under care of the abusive figures. If a child tells something that serious and makes themselves that vulnerable with all of the trauma that they have been through, and they are not believed, it’s devastating psychologically and emotionally for that child in so many ways. I’m not looking for pity. I was reflecting today. I have everything to look forward to. Because I know that the truth is certainly coming out in my case. But, really that’s the least I have to look forward to. I am very happy tonight. Blessings. It seems the two neighborhood cats are taking shifts greeting people coming up the alley. I met my other friend tonight, the black and white one. Stopped and pet him. I’m starting to wonder whether they are wild. Because they’ve no collar, either one of them. But they’re well fed and clean enough. They’re very friendly and it kind of makes me feel good seeing them at night. Anyways, I had a very good and productive day. I finished my travel novella. I’m just going to go through it and add some stuff now. I’m trying very hard to smile right now. Not at anyone in particular but just to smile. In doing this, I hope to be able to train my mind into a state of gratitude. I’m trying to be encouraging when I interact with people. I wrote out a list of positive affirmations some time ago, for my personal emotional health. I’ll post it here as well. Hopefully it can offer someone else a little encouragement. I’m thinking a list of positive affirmations may come in handy over the next couple of months. Truth will certainly come out. Things will certainly make a lot more sense soon. I’m trying very hard to smile, to encourage, to be grateful. Still, I wish you could see how stressful this all is for me. There will be opportunity to rejoice. I pray that you remember me after this is over. Remember that truth is not always found in the easiest solution, in the explanation that seems to make most sense. When our foundations are wrought with unprocessed injustice and feelings, this makes it more difficult to deal with injustices later. When our foundations are wrought with unprocessed trauma and feelings, this makes it more difficult to deal with everything that happens to confront us. It is when we have been able to process this trauma and injustice that great things are in sight.

Some thoughts on Pornography:

http://www.challies.com/articles/7-good-reasons-to-stop-looking-at-porn-right-now?utm_content=buffer6227e&utm_medium=social&utm_source=twitter.com&utm_campaign=buffer I didn't write this meme but I do absolutely support it's theme. There are different kinds of pornography. The problem arises when pornography for the individual becomes a problem. Which I think is what this meme is speaking to. I've looked at porn in the past. But the reasons I did it were to mask emotional pain of past experiences. Because it is like that: a drug. I agree fully that the signifier of healthy sexuality is about a relationship with the self as opposed to others or other things, but that doesn't change anything about the negative side effects of and degradation of porn. I'm consciously choosing not to anymore but that does not and should not affect your choices. Because like you say in a way Josef, sexuality is a personal expression of self. But even that is relative. It is agreed that there are softcore, romantic porns but there are just the same hardcore, fringing on extremely abusive porn. The main problem is that when porn becomes a 'problem' or an addiction, the chemicals released in the brain to provide the sexual high, get used to previous forms of it, like the softcore porn. This leads to a search for more dangerous, 'thrilling' material to get the same high. Again, this is where it becomes problematic on many levels leading to isolation and relationship problems and heightened desensitization and estrangement to human empathy and suffering. A little porn; ok? Sure. But just like alcohol, it becomes a problem when it itself becomes a problem. I believe that God created sex for a couple to express their love for each other. I think that is all that statement means. I urge you guys to check out some of these videos I've provided links to. One is a TED Talk, another a personal experience of an EX porn star, another scientific symptoms of the negative impacts of pornography addiction on the human psyche. The last one is a personal account of the positive effects of not viewing porn for extended periods of time following that individual's negative experiences with addiction to porn. Ask yourself, what kinds of porn are available today for consumption? Is it simply romantic, softcore porn that expresses human love and intimacy? Or are there practically endless amounts of child porn, brutal and violent porn and other extremely abusive forms of the stuff? http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XWf4s1B3KR8 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1Ya67aLaaCc http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wSF82AwSDiU http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tO0dzEGpl68

A Thought:

When our foundations and groundings are shaky, we will not have effective footing from which to draw the resources we need to confront everything that comes our way. I’ve been noticing myself lapsing into old coping patterns and strategies over the past few days. Merited, this time for me is very stressful. In spite of the bodily stress I am feeling, I am feeling quite grateful. Try to be tolerant and understanding of the mistakes of others. We can’t see their life’s history. But we can empathize. Knowing that life, especially in these days, is not easy for anyone. Still, there are some things, which are not cool. It’s not cool to commit sin. God has compassion. But He will judge righteously. Reading this post of mine again, at the end I said, ‘all I can do is continue to try. And to be grateful.’ I believe I am stronger than that. I will triumph. Because, above all and certainly greater than the stresses is the beautiful truth that I am loved. What a beautiful truth that in the middle of all of these bad things happening in the world, we are so loved and cherished.

Some Thoughts:

God is certainly present in church. The Holy Mass is where we encounter the true body and flesh of our Lord Jesus Christ. You can speak to God wherever you are. God isn’t only present in the church. We go there to encounter Him and to worship Him because we love Him. Though God isn’t only present in the physical building of the church. We all have the ability to speak and cry out to a God who will love us in spite of our pains, in spite of what we have done. God is present in the body of Christ; the followers of Christ. I guess the point of this entry is to let you know that God sees your hurts and your sufferings. He sees your offerings and your accomplishments. And, if you turn to Him and His love, He will reward and glorify you. What a joy that we can come before His throne and He will hear us! Entertainment and art serve many purposes. The greatest of all is the expression of the human spirit and our feelings as a community. Art and music are never irrelevant. I guess I just want to guard at all times, what I allow into my heart, soul and mind, knowing the enormously influential pathos of what we see to shape our world beliefs. Never forget their place and purpose in our society is to entertain. It’s not about what enters your stomach. It’s about what comes out of your heart in your words and actions. Life is about more than the popular trends, looking good and even, often, how we act and what we say. I have absolute faith that things will get better first. Please keep faith in a God who will certainly do what He has promised you and would never hurt you. Speaking about what I am feeling is always a good release. I think the outlet for shame, as crying is for sorrow, as yelling or lashing out in a healthy way is for anger, is having an environment where you are able to verbally express yourself uninhibited. I intend to paint a couple of more paintings. I intend to finish writing a couple things I have started. I don’t know right now whether people believe me. I wouldn’t expect you to. I know there is courage in humility. I’m just trying to encourage. Keep faith in God. Truth will certainly be revealed. Today, I am grateful for the motivation that is growing in my spirit to stand for truth until the truth is revealed. That’s what this is about, after all.

A Note:

I am driven to be a whole person. To recollect the shattered pieces of myself and my soul that were broken and lost as a result of everything that happened to me. I have faith that when we are able to heal and rise above our hurts and pains, we will be in a much better way. After I accepted Christ, I felt truly complete. Complete in a way that I cannot fully explain. I felt such peace. But I feel as though we must dig deeper, healing parts of us that have been hurt, for that love, the love of God to fully saturate our beings. I can truly say that forgiveness has been a process for me. I thought once that it would have been accomplished and put to rest every problem I have ever had, once I made that initial act of forgiveness. But I could recognize after a while that forgiveness is a continual battle. Like love, it’s an act of the will. But it takes a while for the feelings and emotions to follow. I had blamed myself for the abuse. Forgiving them involves forgiving myself first. We need to be as compassionate toward ourselves as we try to be toward others. I needed to take care of myself first. I needed to forgive myself for being human, a child and show myself the compassion and love that I deserve. I felt so much shame as a result of what they did to me. For so many years, I hated myself because I thought on some base, core level, I was filthy and worthless. I still feel unlovable at times. I want anyone who has been through these experiences to know that it’s not okay to feel this way. These were crimes that happened to us and no child, regardless of what they were doing, deserves to feel this way about themselves. The weight of this crime is on the abusers. This is a sin that particularly upsets God. But with each act of forgiveness that I offered to the people who hurt me, the more I felt complete within myself, closer to my God. Each time I was able to extend that mercy towards them, the more compassion I started to feel for them. It would become clearer to me that there was good in their lives. This was an aspect of their lives and not their total lives. No matter how often it happened, this wasn’t everything they did with their lives. When I first realized, it was difficult for me to have sympathy for people who could commit such terrible crimes against children. It was easier and safer for me to look at their dark side. There was no way, at the beginning that I could have seen them as human beings instead of evil incarnate. This belief served to detach my soul from the overwhelming degree of shame that I was experiencing and also to give validation to the fact that I was in every respect completely innocent. As time progressed, I could determine to remember a number of good memories and could identify specific things that encouraged me. As time progressed, my heart softened a bit. My first thought when I remembered was that they were pure evil. This feeling festered for a while as I remained, for self-preservation’s purposes in a state of bitterness. Then I realized they were just hurting. They deal with their pain by doing what their perpetrator did. They need compassion as well as judgement for their actions. They made the choices. But they are people who suffer just like us. I can’t believe their focused desire was to ruin the lives of children. They were acting out of horrendous pain and not out of intentional evil. After I was able to forgive for the first time, I was able to think about their anguish. I truly believe in my heart that a lot of the stuff that happens in our world is learned behavior. I don’t want to think of some of this stuff like child abuse as intentional, deliberate decisions to harm innocent creatures. I began to see them as more than vile, heartless creatures. What they did was wrong. But they too live in pain. This in no way justifies their actions but it humanizes them. To realize that they were not totally depraved and not deserving any kindness or sympathy. I realize that they also have done some good in their lives. They are more than their sinful actions. Eventually I was able to forgive my perpetrators because I saw them as victims just as I had been. They repeated behavior they had learned. I don’t think enough about, appreciate enough, how much I myself have been forgiven. How can I not forgive others, whatever the offence, when I have been forgiven so much more than I can even conceive? God not only forgives sin, God loves the sinner. That’s the example I want to follow. I like to think of the Creation like this: Man was created in the image of God. This means that we are all created as good, whole, perfect beings. It’s the enemy who comes to destroy. He is the one who placed lies into the minds of mankind, turning us against each other. A lot of the time, I have to remind myself how blessed to have a God who knows what it’s like to be human. The temptations, the fears, the shame and the hopes and dreams. We can unite in love and faith once we realize that everyone suffers. That everyone hopes. That everyone dreams. It’s a truly global cause that every human experiences pain. Have faith. Society is increasingly isolating itself with technology and other coping mechanisms. We need to do this together.

June 6, 2016:

This past couple of weeks has been a rollercoaster for me. I guess that a big part of what I have been dealing with is confronting the fact that I too, in my past, have hurt others indirectly and directly. And realizing the enormous amounts of shame that surround these issues. As I have been realizing the impact of some of the things I have done, I’m feeling pretty rough. Knowing that I have taken what was happening to me and acted out in rebellious ways, makes me cringe. I have been seeing a therapist to deal with this issue. And though, while I know that I am not like this now and have come a long way in my own healing in every respect (including quitting completely pornography), I know that I have to heal from this perspective as well. I suppose that what I want to say here is that there is no excuse. God knows how sorry I am for some of the things that I have done. I suppose the reason I keep saying in my posts, to keep things in perspective, is not at all to justify the bad things I did. But to let others know what I was up against, in the insight that bad behavior is learned. Remember my age. I have said that it is a miracle that I did not end up a complete wreck in a ditch at the age of twelve. I believe that God is working in my life too. And that because I did these bad things, it does not dehumanize me from what happened to me. Because I went through an awful lot. Again, it’s no excuse for my behavior. I know my actions may have had some serious consequences. I pray for anyone I may have hurt through my actions and words in my life. I pray that you are happy and surrounded by love.

Meditation:

I meditated over this passage of the Gospel today. I just found it to be so beautiful and nourishing to my soul and mind. Here it is: “Philip said to him, ‘Lord, show us the Father, and it is enough for us.’ Jesus said to him, ‘Have I been with you so long, and you still do not know me, Philip? Whoever has seen me has seen the Father. How can you say, ‘Show us the Father? Do you not believe that I am in the Father and the Father is in me? The words that I say to you I do not speak on my own authority, but the Father who dwells in me does his works. Believe me that I am in the Father and the Father is in me, or else believe on account of the works themselves.’” Reading this passage today really humbled me and placed me into a state of awe. With the knowledge that God did come to earth as a human being to suffer by us and for us is very powerful. Especially, to know that God Himself was present with these people makes me a little envious of the chance they had. Would I have responded any differently than they? God is a God of love, restoration, justice and mercy. These things are evident in His works. He has the power to restore death to life. Something He wants for all of us. This is one thing that makes me think of Mary. Something recorded of what she says in response to the angel Gabriel leaves me humbled by her faith. She says when Gabriel tells her that she will give birth to the Holy One of Israel, “Behold, I am the servant of the Lord; let it be to me according to your word.” In these days when there are so many distractions, pains and sufferings; things that interfere with our faith, let us pray to God for a faith like Mary’s. Remembering that God wants the best for us and that the way to achieve His will is to be obedient to Him in faith. Suffering itself, suffering for suffering’s sake does not make one holy. Unless that suffering was endured for His glory. It’s about how we react to suffering. And I do not feel I am doing that bad, in the face of everything I am up against. I was feeling pretty overwhelmed earlier today. Knowing the silence is a result of my own disobedience. I need to remember the real values of life like the connections I have had in my time here. I need to remember how I have been treated with love and compassion. We all need to have that compassion and empathy for each other. It’s tough to know another person’s story, what they’re going through. But it’s not difficult to know that there is a lifetime behind the eyes looking at us. We all bleed. We all cry. We all have the ability to create. We need to start looking for solutions with each other. We are all brothers and sisters in that. In that we all suffer. We are united in love. I need even in the darkest times, to fully lean my trust into the nails of the Cross. Because the job is accomplished.

Joy in Darkness:

Remember what I said. That there would be darkness before things grew light again. I went into it knowing that no one would remember. That I would have no support in any way. The evil one has been trying to suppress my spirit from the day I was born. He will not win. I hope, in the future, you can see how much faith this took. When the truth comes out, things will make a lot more sense. Truth will absolutely come out. When the truth comes out, there will be an opportunity to rejoice. This is not about me. I’ve been paying too much attention to what others think of me lately. Don’t think I am blind. I notice the way others are treating me right now. Feeling resigned and defeated. I don’t know what I have done to upset people. I don’t want to feel like this. My identity is more than that. And I deserve so much more. I am going to focus on positive a lot more. I don’t need the approval of other people. I cannot be perfect. I’m saying that for the benefit of everyone. Believe me, you have a right to be disappointed with me. But I really am not doing as poorly as you may think. I am doing a lot positive. I wish you could see; I still have faith that it will be revealed to you how hard I am trying. What I have been through. I can’t help how you feel about me or change your perceptions about me. Because in light of everything I have been through, I’m trying very hard to do the right thing and to open my heart to trust. What I can do is not give up. I’ve told the truth in my life and I will stand by it through whatever I have to. I know it’s difficult to have compassion and patience for someone who continually is turned away from righteousness. Please, don’t forget what I have been through. No one owes me anything. I realize that. And after yesterday that feeling has solidified within my heart. I’m trying to be as neutral as I can right now. So that I can make the best of this situation with a positive and humble attitude. But I have to speak the truth as I know it. And I will not apologize for that. All I have stood against, really, is hate. I don’t think it’s insensitive to speak up against murder and rape. Truth is coming out. I remember everything else very well. I am not crazy. I know your society would expect an element of holiness. I’ll not give up. I will try my hardest. I know how difficult it is to believe in something we can’t see. I’m just asking you to understand why what is happening right now is so re-traumatizing and stressful for me. I’ll not give up. I am a child of the Kingdom before even I am a suffering human being. Every time I read the Word of God, I experience joy. Something new is revealed to me. It’s like an adventure to read Scripture. As it should be. It’s always very exciting for me to enter the Word. But today, something happened that really triggered a reaction in me. I have experienced this before but not to this degree. The Word always speaks to me when I am reading. But what happened today really made me feel a lot of joy and sorrow at the same time. I was reading the Gospel of John, chapter 20. This is the Resurrection of Jesus Christ. I don’t usually visualize when I am reading. With the trauma, visualization has been a struggle. I struggle with this a lot and try very hard to visualize when I am reading Scripture. Today, after praying before entering, I had such a powerful image of two angels sitting in the cave, appearing to Mary Magdeline. I saw these angels with such power. They were like burning embers and burnt into my vision. I kind of wept after this. It was so incredibly powerful. I am feeling a lot right now. Mostly, I am feeling sorry. I am very sorry for a lot in my life. How I have allowed the trauma in my own life to dictate how I act and speak at times. I’m sorry that it has allowed me to hurt other people. I’m sorry that I keep forgetting how great your world has been to me. The stress is not an excuse. I am going to try, keep trying. I know I’ve said it before. I won’t give up. Even if it’s for myself. I’m realizing my reactions lately are not too classy. I am going to win this. I am not going to allow the darkness to win. Satan is a punk. My life is more than what I have been through. And I have the choice over what I do and how I react.

July, 2016:

I am trying to place the needs of others before my own. I’m noticing that when I exercise on the punching bag, my testosterone levels seem to spike. I really don’t know how to deal with these hormones. Today at the gym, I approached the water fountain and while I was standing there, another man moved in before me. After the guy who was filling a bottle left, I stepped in before the guy who walked in front of me and then walked away. I felt kind of badly about this. But then I thought about it a bit. We are to put the needs of others before our own. We are to be meek. But we are not to be walking mats. I feel I took this particular situation a bit too far. The testosterone, I’m sure had a bit to do with it. But, it just made me reflect over what I have been through. I don’t think it’s reasonable to expect a man to subject himself to decades of sexual slavery and abuse at the cost of sacrificing their needs for the needs of others. Sometimes, we need to stand up and say what’s enough. We have to help ourselves for God to help us. I dislike that cliché because it’s not entirely biblical. But I believe very strongly that there is an element of truth in that. It’s not against the Gospel to help those who are suffering. Neither is it to seek justice. Please don’t forget that I confronted them myself and then with the witness of two others, without any acknowledgement of what they did. When the truth comes out, there will be opportunity to rejoice.

July, 2016:

I watched the movie the Waterboy this afternoon. I don’t know why I got this feeling but I was so empowered and felt like never giving up. I’m feeling like this a lot lately. Something my roommate said last night reinforced in my heart this feeling of assured salvation. Life gets very stressful. Everyday, there will be trials that seem like mountains to climb. Life is difficult. For the follower of the Way, it is going to be more difficult. We’re able to face through this because of the great and sure promises of our God in love and faith. Through it all, we can be certain of our salvation and secured futures. Life gets really difficult sometimes, especially with a foundation as toxic as my own. Life greatly interferes with our spirits. “For the corruptible body weighs down the soul, and this earthly dwelling presses many thoughts upon the mind” (Wisdom 9:15). I always remind myself of the vision I have in my mind of the time I spent in the spirit in heaven. But, in spite of this amazing and paramount spiritual love the Father has lavished on us, if we can’t comprehend the concept of love in its basest, physical terms, it’s going to be difficult to accept the spiritual. If our earthly fathers mistreat us, it’s going to be difficult to learn to love and open up completely to our Heavenly Father. One thing that is constant through every trial and every poor foundation is the FACT that our God loves us. His love increases for those who stray from His will for them. Because He wants the very best for every single one of us. I’m feeling amazing lately. There’s a lot of stress I am facing. The degree of which, in years past, I would have crumbled. I feel loved. I feel so loved. I’m walking down the street, smiling and saying stuff like ‘what a beautiful day’. I’m not doing this to be sarcastic. I don’t know why anyone might think something like that. But I felt it important to include. I just don’t know what else to say. It’s difficult to see now but this is all leading to something greater. I empathize with your reaction. I just praise God every day for His great mercy and love. And for the fact that there is still a chance to glorify Him as He so rightly deserves. I am feeling so loved. It took an awful lot to get my heart to open up but I am so grateful for that. There’s that. This is a personal reflection. It’s unfair that satan should still be tempting me with the weight of the accumulation of trauma over my life. It’s unfair that I am being punished for not being able to overcome this because I was suffering. Because I felt unworthy because of the nature and severity of the crimes against me. It’s unfair that I did not feel worthy enough to liberate myself in light of all of the promises God offered me. It’s unfair that I did not feel worthy only because of how I was treated. I remember saying once that even the biggest and strongest of animals, if it’s mistreated enough, will learn to lower its head to every interaction. In spite of this, I am learning to love again. I couldn’t be happier. Please keep your hearts open. Have patience. I called York U today because I am finally taking steps towards moving forward with one of my life goals. I might have to go back to high school but I am wanting to go to school for Astro Physics. This is something I have wanted to do for decades. I do not regret the degree I received. And I made good use of it, I think. But, this is what I have always wanted to do. Again, if it is God’s will, I will achieve this. Knowing that God does and always has wanted me to be happy, encourages me. I will get started on this path in any case. I want to say that I understand your reactions. Wait for truth. There will be nothing to be angry at when the truth emerges. You’ll know God is with you. Don’t allow the world and things that are happening here to distort or confuse your understanding of love. “But you, take courage! Do not let your hands be weak, for your work shall be rewarded” (2 Chronicles 15:7). I have faith in that. I will never lose faith in that. Blessings.