Tuesday, August 23, 2016

June 6, 2016:

This past couple of weeks has been a rollercoaster for me. I guess that a big part of what I have been dealing with is confronting the fact that I too, in my past, have hurt others indirectly and directly. And realizing the enormous amounts of shame that surround these issues. As I have been realizing the impact of some of the things I have done, I’m feeling pretty rough. Knowing that I have taken what was happening to me and acted out in rebellious ways, makes me cringe. I have been seeing a therapist to deal with this issue. And though, while I know that I am not like this now and have come a long way in my own healing in every respect (including quitting completely pornography), I know that I have to heal from this perspective as well. I suppose that what I want to say here is that there is no excuse. God knows how sorry I am for some of the things that I have done. I suppose the reason I keep saying in my posts, to keep things in perspective, is not at all to justify the bad things I did. But to let others know what I was up against, in the insight that bad behavior is learned. Remember my age. I have said that it is a miracle that I did not end up a complete wreck in a ditch at the age of twelve. I believe that God is working in my life too. And that because I did these bad things, it does not dehumanize me from what happened to me. Because I went through an awful lot. Again, it’s no excuse for my behavior. I know my actions may have had some serious consequences. I pray for anyone I may have hurt through my actions and words in my life. I pray that you are happy and surrounded by love.

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