February 10, 2016:

Today is the Ash Wednesday event at my church. It signifies the beginning of Lent. I think I will start a fast again. For myself. This is all very exciting, I must say. I was invited to a celebration of Christian art and music event at the end of the month. I thought about it a bit. And then asked if they were accepting entries for art. I sent some examples of my work and they said they would speak about it at their next meeting. Hoping I can be a part of the event. I am far from perfect. But in my necessary, yet earnestly vain attempt to do so, I feel I have to accept myself a lot more. I have to acknowledge how far I have come and just how much I have done in my own healing journey. There is no way I can expect anyone else to take care of me or to not offend me. I am a man. The repeated acts of gender humiliation and rapes from my childhood do not diminish me as a man. I am responsible for myself. I do not want glory for anything I am doing. This all rightfully goes to God. What I do need though, is validation and acknowledgement for what I have been through. I am trying very hard. Like I said a couple of days ago, probably too hard. But it is upon this basis of desire that I am building a foundation of trust. Going to bed relatively early tonight. Going to have some sleep tea. Good night! Continuation: I had to buy a new pair of shoes today because there was a big hole near the toe of my old pair. After a while, this always happens. The way I walk is pretty rough on my shoes. I try to exhaust the functionality of each pair before I buy a new pair. For the most part, I am pleased with myself and the way I have ended this last fast. I’m not going to lie, I have ordered a small pizza and spent a bit of time at the casino after my tournament. I am proud of who I am and of who I have become. Needless to say but worthwhile saying that I have not looked at porn for well over a year now. I am maintaining my weight at 170lbs. And I’m going to go to the gym tomorrow. I have faith that God can use me still. It’s been a bit discouraging for me to be tempted in the ways that I have after doing so much work on my spiritual self. I am glad that I was able to come off my fast in a healthy, safe and Godly way. One thing I have learned from this fast in particular is that my actions affect others. I have made a commitment to treat people with a bit more respect. I am trying to smile at people today. Something I will continue to do. I am grateful for the flame God has enkindled in my heart for justice and love and peace and God’s glory. I’m really excited to hear back about the art submissions I submitted to the celebration of Christian art art show. I sent them a couple of portraits I did of Jesus and another piece I call charity. We’ll see. When two parties are open enough to consider the opposing perspective to see if it is beneficial to their own opinion and potentially adapt accordingly. “For some say, ‘His letters are weighty and forceful, but in person he is unimpressive and his speaking amounts to nothing.’ Such people should realize that what we are in our letters when we are absent, we will be in our actions when we are present” (2 Corinthians 10:10). I guess that all I am trying to encourage you is not to judge anyone. Everyone experiences anger to some degree, which is directly affected by the degree of injustice you have experienced. No one is born angry. I’ll say most people have gazed lustfully upon another. Especially in this day with such easy access to porn. I am proud in the Lord that I have made the conscious decision to quit porn for good. I haven’t been to the gym for the past four days but have worked out hard in that time at home with my weights. It just worked out that it would have been very difficult for me to get to the gym in this time. “’Teacher,’ said John, ‘we saw someone driving out demons in your name and we told him to stop, because he was not one of us.’ ‘Do not stop him,’ Jesus said. ‘For no one who does a miracle in my name can in the next moment say anything bad about me, for whoever is not against us is for us.’” I want very much to encourage you all in the name of the Lord. I am ashamed today. I am asking for your forgiveness. I will not give up. My drive is to finish this race well. My drive is the Kingdom of Heaven. “Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already arrived at my goal, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me. Brothers and sisters, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on to the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus” (Philippians 3:12-14). I am working very hard to forget what is in my past. But I want to remind you to have compassion.” Don’t put your faith in any man on the earth. Our Lord and Savior is the risen Christ.