Monday, August 22, 2016

April 9, 2016:

Today has been a joyous day, reflecting back on it. Simply glorious. The best part about these adjectives is that I am using them in pure earnestness. I am really feeling the effect of being in the Word for a longer period of time now. This morning, I went to Starbucks where I spent some time in Scripture. I read the rest of the Gospel of Mark. I felt such an overwhelming emotional response as I read through these pages. That’s usually how I feel as I read through the final pages of each gospel: sorrow and fear, followed by joy and exuberating hope. It’s like every time I read these books, I experience the same thing over again. It’s like I am reading them for the first time, each time. Afterwards, I went to church early for the choir practice I was invited to. I sang with them. I’ve got to admit, I felt very self-conscious about how I was doing the whole night. Then, we prayed the Rosary together and during Mass, I sang with the choir. I was really encouraged at the end of Mass because all of the sisters who were in the choir invited me back next week and said it was good to have a male voice in the choir. This made me feel really positive. Glory to God. I am pleased to be a part of my church community. I am going to finish what I started. Going to finish writing this book about my experiences in Iceland. If not for anyone else, than for myself. I feel as if there is a powerful account to be told there. Also, I am going to paint the oil painting of Daniel in the cell soon. I painted the picture of Jesus smiling yesterday. I’m happy with how it came out. I was very patient with it. Something, which I am finding easier to do as I am processing and confronting the emotions and feelings that are a response to trauma in my life. Noticing people’s reactions to me lately. I don’t blame you for forgetting about me. I know I am not doing the best job. And that I have let you down. In more ways than I am even able to articulate. I just hope you, at some point realize how much I was up against. I hope I am able to give you a reason to believe again. God knows, I am not going to give up until I have finished successfully. I have faith that there is a purpose for the degrees of suffering I experienced as a child. I assure you that this is very real. And that your faith will be rewarded. Stand in the light. I will continue to focus on the things I have done right. I will continue to focus on the future that I know I deserve. I am despairing. I am also rejoicing. It’s kind of a bittersweet feeling that I am alive. I am so incredibly grateful for each day I have to glorify the Lord through my actions and words. And I intend to live my life to the fullest. I was not given the opportunity to develop resources to grow along with the world around me. The reason for this in my childhood is obvious. As I grew, because I never learned to socialize, to date, to do a lot of things, it kind of felt like I got left behind. The developmental stunting is real. It’s difficult when things I do that I mean well by are viewed with suspicion and resentment. I wish my body and mind worked well. There is damage. I have nothing stopping me. Not going to stop me. I had an insight today. That about my art, I can create paintings that I am very proud of. I can do this because I believe in myself. Sometimes, I’ll sketch out the beginnings of a painting and will think to myself, I can’t paint that. After having encouraged myself, I’ll come back to it and paint something that I am really happy with. We shouldn’t let our fears hinder our voice. In spite of developmental problems, resulting from terrible experiences, still I will praise your name Lord Jesus Christ. I am starting my fast and period of abstinence today. I’m doing this for His glory. But also for temperance. And to purify my heart, showing God I am repentant. I don’t know if God will use me now. All I will do is continue to have faith and to express love. It’s all about God’s mercy. Please don’t get caught up in the superficial aspects of my life, don’t make assumptions regarding the way I act so that you forget what I have been through. There’s a reason for everything in this life. Hope you can see why this is exhausting for me. And it’s really traumatizing for me when the truth is concealed. None of this is how it was supposed to happen. I was meant to be at rest. Still, I’m hardly thinking of myself or my loss. My heart breaks when I think of what has happened.

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