March 9, 2016:

Today has gotten off to a great start! I got a great sleep. Woke up and was able to get in touch with the church I was baptized in. I’ve been trying (though my efforts extend back a while) to get in touch with them for the past week or so. When I got dressed, I fed the birds outside. It’s really nice to feel the warm weather again. I’ve got my support group tonight. Really looking forward to this and showing that I am able to do this. I realize it’s not about me. But I am grateful I have people who believe in me. Continuation: I went to my support group. I think it went really well! I feel I am becoming more at ease and excited about this. One thing I am going to have to start working on is my ability to distinguish when to give someone my full attention and when to try to incorporate others into the conversation. I am not going to say anything about the group but I will say that these guys are amazing. Some things I would do differently, now that I am more aware. But for the most part, I think it went really well. It’s about the guys. But it’s nice to get validation. At the end of it, my co-facilitator said some very encouraging things about how I did. It’s nice to get validation at the beginning. And I have got to say: it is so encouraging to know the other facilitators believe in me. That is also one thing I have noticed about my own journey. That I am able to look at instances where I may not do perfectly as simply that: things I can do differently next time. It’s a big step considering in the past, every time I would meet with people, friends included, I would sit think over in my mind what I did wrong and how this may have affected their perspectives of me. This was a reaction of the shame. I have noticed and it is a long way that I have come. Right now, I am honored to be a part of these guys’ journeys. Yesterday, I said this: “We must remember the Gospel. It doesn’t lie. And nothing has changed. It is, always has been and always will be about love and compassion, judgement and justice against the evil-doer. Every word in Scripture is there for a reason. We may not understand why it is written. But we have to have faith that everything is for our benefit and good. And we have to have faith that we will be rewarded. We have to be vigilant but also merciful and compassionate. We have to act in love, compassion and mercy.” I’d just like to add: The Gospel is true. But we have to remember that each book was written at different times, with different cultural beliefs. The Gospel is true. There is a reason for everything in the Bible. But we have to approach everything with an attitude and stance of love and compassion. We need to look at things with compassion and love. While maintaining the integrity of the Truth of the Word of God. We need to stop and assess each situation and ask what our Lord would do in the same situation. Though, we are not perfect. Sometimes, truth does not have to encompass everything. Truth is what God says is Truth. Because that Truth is comprised of the facts that we need to know then, which are beneficial for us then. I had a strong feeling encouraging me to write about this incident. After my support group, I took the streetcar to Osgoode Station. I love that ride. Whether it’s night or day, summer or winter, it’s such a lovely trip. Anyways, going down into the subway there was a guy who stopped and offered for me to go down in front of him. I think it was because I was having some difficulty with my hips. I have difficulty walking. When I stopped I stopped abruptly. But it wasn’t intentionally. I stopped and gestured for him to go down first. He made questioning look and went down. I said out loud, “I had a brain injury.” I meant this in the best way. I just meant it as an explanation. I wasn’t sure if he heard me but I still realize that what I said was unnecessary. One thing I couldn’t quite figure out is why when we got into the terminal, I kept letting him get ahead of me and he kept slowing down. I was just walking. He wasn’t in my thoughts. I don’t want to be defensive. I just want to make clear that I know what my intentions were. I don’t like people walking or standing behind me. It’s intrusive. It’s probably not a big deal. But just because I used to do similar stuff in the past, does not mean I continue to do it. I lament that I did these things. But I was going through a lot then. In a world where every action, every word and every relationship are easily scrutinized and examined, it’s easy to see the negative in any situation. I think this is unique to the human race. But if you examine a human being for long enough, you will begin to think that its every move is about you. You will start to question why it is doing things, saying things and acting the way it is. Let’s see the positive in things. Let’s see the good things that are happening around us. It’s what I am trying to do too. Probably making more a deal of it than it is. We are responsible for how we react to a situation. Bad things happen. And what I am saying does not excuse that. There’s not an excuse for bad behavior. I guess I’m feeling a little defensive because I had no ill intent in that particular situation and I am trying very hard to not allow my feelings to overpower me. Anyways, I am having a great day. This evening I had a mango, some pineapple and vegetable broth soup. I will sleep well tonight!