Monday, August 22, 2016
February 6, 2016:
Today, I am downtown. I didn’t get much sleep last night. My stomach has been really upset since breaking my fast. I am trying to go easy on my digestive system. It’s still affecting me. I guess it’s bound to. Anyways, this evening, I will go to the gym again. Get a great work out in. Tomorrow, I am going to my church’s dismissal. It’s been a great week. Above all, perhaps tying everything together – or a reason for the peace I am feeling – I have been praying a particular prayer that was given to me by one of my RCIA group leaders along with some rosary beads. This prayer has been clearing my heart. As I believe that God Almighty is the only One who can transform a heart, I believe that it is working. As I pray this short prayer I can feel my heart opening up. This is not something I often feel when I read a scripted prayer. I usually speak to God in my heart and have felt this feeling then. But it is overwhelming how strongly this particular prayer is helping me. Praise God. I will keep going. Continuation: I’m feeling really uneasy at the moment. Maybe it’s because I hardly slept last night. Maybe it’s because I came off my fast. I had a tube of chips a bit ago. I shouldn’t have. There’s nothing wrong with treating yourself every once in a while. I should have realized it was too early for me. I felt really dirty eating them. In any case, today I went to a workshop. It looks like a good looking program motivating self-development. For me, at the moment, it’s not the sort of thing I would be willing to do. It was very nice to see two friends and fellow survivors who I hadn’t seen in a long time. I feel I came away from the session with a bit too. Realizing how much of an impact my own interpersonal defensiveness is having on my own conscience and in affecting my relationships. I have some incredible friends. I’m not going to lie about that. But the workshop/forum helped me realize my defensiveness is more about my not feeling safe and having feelings of grounding and security than it does with my own hostility or choice to be a bad person. I am not choosing to be a bad person. Though I believe at a level, I am making the choice. I realized that for the most part and when I am feeling good and confident, I am generous and compassionate and loving. It’s when I am having a difficult time that I feel defensive. In any case, it is my responsibility to not be offensive to others. It’s not necessarily my responsibility to ensure that people are not offended by my actions. But to ensure that I am acting as civilly as I am able and with respect. After, I went to Booster Juice at Queen and Yonge. After asking about the washrooms, I asked for a wheatgrass shot. The woman there did not understand me. I guess that I looked a bit like I was drunk. Though I am not making the assumption that is what she thought. And I was struggling to speak. This is generally how I am feeling since last night, weak and not at my best physically and mentally. Feeling under the weather always exacerbates the effects of the injury that occurred. Anyways, I just want her to know I wasn’t trying to be rude. I was having difficulty. For this reason, I believe that we need to have empathy for others. Our past certainly affects our presents. Many of us are gifted with the chance to make the best of our futures. And for many of us, we are gifted with the choice to make the best for our futures. We’re not alone in any of this. We need to trust God. I am making a commitment to treating others with the respect they deserve and to continue to process my feelings. Ash Wednesday is coming up. I have an event at my church this day. It marks the beginning of Lent. I may continue my fast and abstinence throughout Lent as well. I just like the way it feels to feel at my best. God allows suffering in order that His people may be glorified through Him. In order to discern who will remain obedient to Him and His love. What a person is able to endure is not surpassed. Know that there is an antidote to the pain and hurt we feel. It is in Christ. I just want you to be strong. Keep faith. 1 John 3:12: “We should not be like Cain, who was of the evil one and murdered his brother. And why did he murder him? Because his own deeds were evil and his brother’s righteous.” We must always remember what God Almighty, YHWH stands for. He demonstrated in the most perfect way what He stands for in entirety when He sent His Son to the earth to live as we live, to empathize with us and to die in a way that we were deserving. But, brothers and sisters, we deserved so much more than just that. God stands for love. In Him is no darkness at all. Life will get difficult. We must always remember His great promises to reward those who love him in endurance and patience with life.