What I dreamed of when I was young:

When I was young, I dreamed of doing so much. I still dream of so much. It’s crippling to know that the fear that has been instilled into my heart by especially this crime, has held me back from achieving so much. It’s hurting to know that the fear has held me back from even expressing my own thoughts and opinion about things because I was afraid I wasn’t allowed to have an opinion. I was afraid of myself. I had no value for myself. Because of what was done to me. I’m not done yet. I am going to keep fighting. God’s love has illumined the fact that I absolutely am worthy and should not fear. I plan on living the most of my life for however long I have left. I have faith that God will redeem me. Things I’ve done in my life: To remind myself that I am a good person and also have many great experiences in my life. This is going to be an ongoing list. I just want to remind myself that I definitely have lived in spite of the fear that has been instilled (not chosen) into my heart. Regardless, the grace and love of God is a gift and I am not worthy of it. I am a wretched sinner. I am grateful for the love my God has filled my heart with. I just want to realize that my life was not completely ruined by selfish acts of power and violence. “I desire mercy. Not sacrifice. Go and learn what this means.” I am grateful for the people who love me in my life. And I am not crazy. We will see… Graduated college, Graduated university, Had a paper published, Gotten an A+, Traveled to Iceland, Swam in a geothermal spa, Got my license, Bought a car, Written a book, Survived a terrible head injury, Relearned how to walk, Met two prime ministers, Movie made about me, Driven across Canada, Driven to Florida, Spent a week in a monastery, Spent a week in silence, Gotten baptized, Learned another language, Had someone tell me they love me and mean it. Told someone I loved them and meant it, Spent a week in the mountains, Learn how to play the harmonica, Kept a plant alive now for over a year, Lost 70 lbs, Quit smoking, Quit pornography, Write a memoir, Swam in the Atlantic Ocean and the Gulf of Mexico, Connected with a dolphin, Visited the Hemingway house in Key West, Witnessed a meteor shower, Played golf with a friend, Held a baby, Crossed the Arctic Circle, Learn chess, Given a friend in need money, Given a homeless person a sandwich from Subway, Developed my faith, Played harmonica in front of an audience, Used my traumatic experience to help others overcome their own. Befriend a stranger, Purchased someone’s groceries, Gone camping with friends, Experienced a sunrise and a sunset, Made friends with a chipmunk, Plant a tree and watched it grow, Publicly speak to over 500 people, Featured in the media, Learned how to meditate, Become vegetarian, Gotten an eagle at golf, Painted a picture of our Lord Jesus Christ, Started a company offering a service, Read the Holy Bible, Painted over 100 paintings myself, Learned how to pray the Rosary, Conquered a bunch of fears, Experienced out of body, Chosen to forgive people who hurt me, Donated to the food drive in Sault Ste Marie, Saved a baby bird, Ride a rollercoaster, Met Sarah Mclachlan, Driven a jet ski, Painted a self-portrait, Witnessed one of the World Series Games of the Jays, Organized a party for a friend’s graduation, Gotten in contact with my birth mother, Witnessed a space shuttle launch, See a lunar eclipse, Study Astronomy, Get passionate about a cause and actually do something about it, Stood up for myself and what is right, Given to charity and others anonymously, Kept a list of gratitude for over a year, Committed to working out and health for over a year, Was an RA at college residence, Completely fast for over a week, Raw food fast for forty days, Abstinence for over 20 days, Shot a gun, Built a website, Learn to kayak, See a glacier, Saw a volcano, Helped a baby puffin, Accepted the Lord Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior.