February 19, 2016:

Today, I am feeling very happy. I have a great deal to be thankful for. Especially in the midst of difficult times and a lot of tempting. Grace of God really amazing. God does have the ability to transform. The defence mechanisms and shame still is there. The scars are still there. We have a choice to put on a new mind. I am not helpless. Especially I am not hopeless. Realizing that it’s entirely the love of God that creates a powerful reaction in our hearts. It’s a difficult time for me because my earthly body is heavily weighed down by shame and fear. Realizing too that this is not an excuse. I don’t want to have regrets or further shame. I went to the gym again today. Today, I worked on my upper body. I am proud of myself that I lifted for biceps 35lbs six times each arm. Honestly, there was a time when I was able to lift 40lbs six times. But that was before my fast. I may not be as strong but I am leaner and healthier. I have to explain this: when I say stuff out loud and at times, when I lash out verbally, I am not directing it to anyone. I was trying to think of an analogy that I could use fitting for this. I thought of a punching bag and someone shouting at it. It’s easy for us to see that the person shouting at the bag is not shouting at people around it because there is a physical object in front of them, the purpose of which is for being aggressive. When I say stuff outwardly, neither is it directed at anyone. It’s difficult to see, I understand, because there’s nothing there for the most part that is causing me to do this. Most of the time, I’m not saying bad things. It’s difficult to see the effect on others when you have no intention of hurting others. Still, I realize this is inappropriate. I am sorry for being defensive. Know from this that I’m sorry. I will curb it. The reason I am working so hard on myself is that I will be able to deal with this stuff. I’ll be the first to admit that I have deserved discipline in my life. But I do not think I deserve to be punished for suffering. What I have been through is not an excuse for poor behavior. But it is a reason. Tomorrow, I’ll go to my buddies place for poker after I go to the dentist. I have to say I am very grateful for the friendships that I have. I was very encouraged yesterday when Michelle liked a bunch of my posts on facebook. She shared one of the posts I posted too. She’s very important to me and I’m thankful for these small connections. I was thinking about my old roommate a couple of days ago. Think about her a lot. Her dad gave me a book when I went to their place for Thanksgiving one year. It was a good book. I hope she’s doing well. This is not something we can achieve. The grace of God is a gift. So that no one may boast. Do it all for the glory of God. The only thing that matters is not our righteousness. But the righteousness of Christ. I have faith. Generally, don’t focus on the difference. Don’t focus on the negative. If you look at something for a long enough period of time, you’ll see any number of flaws you desire. Focus on the positive. See the light. Before you make a final judgement about anything that is very important, have an understanding. Don’t approach debate and understanding with bias. Had another insight a couple of days ago. I speak to myself when I am stressed. It’s a way I learned to cope with trauma and hurt. When I had no one to help me through, very often the literal threat of death, I would speak to myself in an attempt to self-soothe. I’m responsible for treating people with respect. But I am not responsible for ensuring others’ contentment. I cannot be perfect. No one should expect me to be. But I am trying my best to get there. I’m trying very hard. I will overcome this as I have everything else in my life, including death. I went to the Eastern European restaurant at the building my gym is at again today. Today, I had borscht, a beat soup. It was amazing. Reminded me of my grandmother who was from the Ukraine. Anyways, this restaurant is amazing. Very good food and service.