April 5, 2016:

I painted a painting of Joan of Arc a couple of days ago. It ended up looking a little androgynous. But that’s okay. I admire the Saint’s faith and story. I find it resonates with me based on experiences of a similar sort. Another change is that although I have a great amount of respect for Saint Christopher and the trials he has helped me get through, I removed the medal from around my neck. I don’t entirely know if that is as important as I am making it seem. But I replaced it with the medal of Saint Michael. The reason for this switch is because I personally find Michael’s faith much firmer and convicted. I want to emulate this. I am grateful for this revelation. I have attended Mass now for every day since my Confirmation. I think this will become a habit, grace permitting. Spoke to my RCIA leader today and he said that it is a blessing to be able to attend daily Mass. I went to the gym today too. I spent some time on the punching bag. I realize it’s pretty difficult for me to do. I’d rather effectively release tension than be gentle on myself. For the first couple of minutes I’m on the bag, I feel myself losing it. I unload.. It feels like I am going to knock the bag off the hook. I know it wouldn’t. Otherwise I wouldn’t do it. But yeah, I don’t want to be gentle on myself. That’s how we become passive. A couple of nights ago, I had a conviction not to take part in Communion. I didn’t understand it. Afterwards, a voice telling me to pray the Rosary that night in my home with the intention of God’s forgiveness and for His will to be done. I have faith there was a reason for the conviction I felt a couple of nights ago not to take part in Communion. I don’t know what that reason is still but I am grateful I trusted the conviction and listened to it. I can’t describe the feeling of pure joy I felt the night after when I took Communion. I had, for some reason, the streaming image of a waterfall in my eyes that persisted even when I closed them. Sometimes, we don’t have to know the reason for what God wants for us. We have to trust, knowing it is for our own good. The Spirit of God is a path to healing, repentance and truth. He’s not an instant cure. Anyways, this joy seems to be keeping with me. And I am much more able to smile through unpleasant feelings, when they come and rejoice in positive feelings. I am in the Word for an hour a day. I read about six chapters thoughtfully, a day. I will paint a portrait of our Lord tomorrow, smiling.