April 17, 2016:

I emailed the neurosurgeon who was part of the team that saved my life today. I asked him if I could book an appointment to talk about the medical file. The last time I saw him he mentioned that he might not be able to see me in the future. I was twenty-six to twenty-eight at the time. He told me this because I am getting older and he is a pediatric neurosurgeon. I completely understand if this is the case. But I hope I’ll be able to see him. If anything, it would be nice to see him. I’m at Starbucks now. I’m going to write a bit more of this travel story I am writing. Then, I’ll go to Mass at 5pm. Continuation: I got my hair cut today. After I exited the hairdresser, people started acting really strangely towards me. A lot of people were smiling at me and one guy at the university opened the door for me and when I went to open the other door for him, he rushed in front of me and opened it. I offered for him to go first. He said, “I insist.” It was really cool of him. Then, I went to Mass. I was asked to respond for the saying of the Rosary. I am still learning but for the most part, was able to keep up with the Rosary and the Chaplet of Divine Mercy. It’s for the glory of God. After Mass, it felt like people were giving me dirty looks. If anything, they were ignoring me. I’ve got to admit, I had a couple of reactions on the bus ride home. I quickly turned it around and got myself in check. But I have to say that it comes as quite a shock to my system when people’s attitudes and demeanors shift so drastically in such short periods of time. “Most of the time, I internalize it when people give me judging or harsh looks – and whether I deserve them or not – I get really frustrated because I feel I am being criticised as a person. I feel this because of the shame that is deep in my heart. I get so frustrated because I don’t know what I am doing wrong most of the time. Your feelings are usually justified. I am trying very hard. Which is why I have gone almost forty days depriving myself of very basic pleasures. So that I may be able to process what’s inside of me more efficiently.” I experienced a flashback. It wasn’t entirely sensory but it is vivid regardless. It gives me the indication that one of my abusers used attention and love as a reward for my acquiescing to her abuses. Also, she used neglect as a punishment for my disapproval and resistance. I was still very young. Anyways, I am saying this as an explanation and not an excuse. I am glad I was able to get myself in check. That’s improved dramatically. In the past, I would have just hit the slide and ended up feeling defeated and shamed. Actually, I went out again. This time, greeting others with a smile instead or just not looking at them at all. After all, I can’t smile at everyone who passes me. Anyways, I am sorry that I reacted in the way that I did. I hope I have done nothing wrong. This is more indication that I feel I may need to confront the issues in my past. You have every right to act this way. Continuation: I want to be careful that I am not appealing to your pity. No one has suggested that. But I want to say it because it’s what I am feeling. I don’t want to guilt anyone. And I hope no one is taking this as that. I know for a fact that your society does not owe me anything. And that my reaction was my problem. I thought about what was happening on the way home tonight. I realized very quickly that aside from some disappointed looks that I received a bit earlier, there was nothing unusual in the way people were treating me today. I will say, however, how proud I am of myself in the Lord for the way I handled this. It set me out for a couple of hours but for the most part, I think I reacted pretty well for the rest of the night. It’s my responsibility. I’m not a flower. I’m very tough and have survived through a lot. The reason I write stuff like my last entry is just to offer explanation. These are real experiences I have lived and the consequences of them are just as real. I can do this. I have been building up for my fast by fasting during the day and eating at night. It’s not been the healthiest way I have been going about it. But I am going grocery shopping tomorrow. I feel overwhelmed when I am shown love. And smiling and exasperation is a defence mechanism. And I don’t think this is a result of pride. Just my inability to accept anything worthwhile like love or appreciation. I read this again. Going to replace the word inability with difficulty. I am not unable. I’m just hurt. I’m better than that.