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Monday, August 22, 2016
February 7, 2016:
I figured out why I was feeling terrible over the last couple of days. I bought some falafel, which was supposed to be refrigerated that I simply put into my cupboard in the kitchen. Should have realized. After eating this, I had a difficult time on the toilet and chills and disorientation the day after. Well, right now I am in Orillia. I am preparing for my poker tournament tomorrow. I didn’t play at all today. When my bus arrived, I took the shuttle to the hotel. I did a brief workout, with the limited machines they have here. Chest press and lat pull down and sit ups. Then I went for a swim. It was nice. I’m feeling good today. I went to church this morning. As I was walking in, I said good morning to a woman who was leaving the earlier Mass. She said good morning in response. It made me feel good. The readings for this Mass developed the theme of humility and our unworthiness to be called by God. But finally, the humbling and encouragement of our hearts as we encounter the presence of God. We are all called by God, brothers and sisters. We have to remember that it is all about the glory of God. Which goes along with the importance of the Will of God for His glory here on earth. I admit that at times, I have wrestled with pride. For the most part though, I rarely feel worthy of not just the integrity of the choice of me for my own calling but also of my inner self. I am building from a foundation of shame. There’s insight in what I have been through. God has healed me a lot. And I have faith that God will never lie. I truly want this. I’m not going to lie. I have been trying so hard over the past couple of weeks, especially nearing the end of my fast. I have been trying to be respectful, regardless of how I am feeling about myself. I have been trying in terms of things like personal development: going to the gym and starting a business for myself. Then, I experienced a wonderful, sweeping feeling a couple of days ago. It encouraged me that I don’t have to try so hard. I just have to trust and lean all of my strength. I’m looking forward to this tournament tomorrow. I enjoy poker. It’s a nice treat for me. Today, on the bus ride to Rama, I finished reading the last five or six books of the Book of Sirach. My jaw practically dropped reading these wonderful pages. I don’t really know why these books resonated with me so much. It just reinforced for me so strongly that when we trust in God, He will make everything work for our good. He will make our memories strong after our sleep. There is no life except in Him and His umbrella of love. The way Jesus, the son of Sirach and Sirach wrote these last books was prolific.
Concept of intimacy doesn’t feel normal to me. It seems foreign to me that sex and physical love could be positive. My aversion is clearly understandable to me at least. Even with something good and normal, like water, if a young boy from a very young age was continually shamed for his desire to drink it and nearly drowned as a response, it is obvious that that boy will grow up with an unhealthy view of both his need for the life sustaining substance and of it in general.
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