Monday, August 22, 2016
May 5, 2016:
Feeling pretty rough today. Heavily triggered. In spite of this, I want to say that I think I am doing amazingly at handling it. Had my support group last night. It was a great meeting. I am feeling so blessed to have the support of these guys. And I’m very grateful to be a part of the group. My fellow facilitators are awesome and very supportive. I hope I am able to offer them likewise, support when they need it. I am feeling increasingly able to consciously deliberate my thoughts and actions. I am becoming more able to assess my instincts and compulsive feelings and decide whether or not I want to act on them. For example, I wanted to go to the casino the other night. I decided not to. Then I wanted to order a pizza. I decided not to. I have always had the choice. Prior, it was more of a choice based on feeling as opposed to rational thought. Regardless, it’s a bit more difficult for me to reconnect these connections due to the many physical and emotional injuries I have had in my life. I had to relearn how to breathe, how to swallow my own saliva. In spite of this, after the injury that caused this, my memory was unaffected by what had happened. I’m eating normally right now but am also eating salads and fruits. We have to love ourselves. But at the same time, I have to be able to recognize and be prepared that this next little while is going to be stressful. I don’t want to deprive myself from basic pleasures like food. In any case, I am feeling very positive right now, moving forward. Going to Mass tonight. Reading the Bible daily. Going to finish my travel book. Going golfing on Saturday for the first time this year! I have faith that all of this will end well. I understand. Continuation: I went to Mass this evening. It was very nice and encouraging because the church had the Confirmation for the young people. It was so touching to see this process and share in the experience with them, if only as a witness. I didn’t want to sing with the choir because I hadn’t been at the practice. I look forward to continuing this later. On the bus later, a guy who was holding like five phones in his hands, reached out and tried to restrain me as I was trying to get off the bus. It was very troubling for me and unsettled me emotionally, as I was triggered back to being restrained physically as my abusers were abusing me. I think I handled this very well. I just said thank you. He still restrained me. So I turned to him and smiled. He put his hand up and fixed my collar. I thanked him again and turned and left the bus. He followed me but went off in a different direction. Emotionally, I am agitated right now. I think it has less to do with what this guy did on the bus as what I am doing tomorrow. I want to say that I am sorry if I have been rude over the past couple of days to anyone. This is all just very re-traumatizing. I have faith that this will end well. I wouldn’t be doing it if I didn’t think that.